12x09 - Episode 9

[bunniefuu]

Good evening and welcome to
a very special edition

of previously unseen clips
from this series

of Would I Lie To You?

Joining Lee Mack tonight...

Bob Mortimer,

Emma Bunton,

Jon Richardson,

Debbie McGee,

Rory Reid,

Jo Brand,

Daisy May Cooper and

Henning Wehn.

And joining David Mitchell
tonight...

Alex Jones,

Olivia Colman,

Aston Merrygold,

Diane Morgan,

Lucy Porter,

Dion Dublin and

Shaun Williamson.

We begin with Round One,
Home Truths, where our panellists

read out a statement from the card
in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never
seen the card before.

They've no idea what they'll be
faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction

and Jon is first up.

At home, if I need to remember to do
something, I will put my slippers

on the wrong feet and won't swap
them back until I've done it.

David's team.

I think that's true. Yeah.

Yes, I think we can go straight to
an answer.

So, Jon, was it the truth?

Wa-a-ait a minute!

So, you put your slippers on the
wrong feet to remind you

that you've got
something to do? Yes.

As in, like a knot in the
handkerchief?

Yes, I stopped carrying a
handkerchief around the house

in, sort of, the mid-19th century.

Yeah.

I still carry a handkerchief.

I won't get it out,
because of course,

it's encrusted with snot.

Hi, girls!

Do you not just use your phone? Put
an alarm on or something like that?

Ooh, spot the generation gap here,
look...

I quite often set an alarm on my
phone.

I've got an alarm set on my phone
now to remind me

to put the bins out later.

Yeah, but that's kind of different
to what Aston's doing.

Yours is, sort of, an early onset
tactic, isn't it, really?

I love the way you leant forward,
so happy then, as well.

"I set an alarm on my phone!"

Let's go back to Mr Cool with his
shoes on the wrong feet.

What sort of thing would you use it
to remind yourself to do?

Well, we have moved house recently,
so I very often find...

Oh, to remind yourself not go back
to the old house?

I'll be unpacking something and I'll
think,

"Oh, I'll put that picture up."
And I'll go up to get a hammer,

from the, erm...

..hammer room.

And then, on the way up, I'll see
something else that needs
doing and I think,

"Oh, I'll put that washing away."
And then, by the time I've

put the washing away, I've
forgotten about the picture.

Paint a picture for the viewers who
are wondering what sort of slippers
you wear.

They're a, sort of, blue,

they're a sort of corduroy slipper.
David, you would like.

They're almost, sort of, they look
the same.

Sometimes I put them on the wrong
way by accident

and I think, "What have I got to
do?"

And I think, "Oh, no, I've just put
them on the wrong foot."

What are you thinking, David's team?

What do you think? I would say it's
true. Yeah.

I think it's a good system.
It's so plausible, isn't it?

I am going to adopt this.

I am thinking of swapping my shoes
now to make sure I don't forget

about the bins later.

So, Jon, truth or lie?

It is a lie.

AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

Diane, you're next.

Possession.

Right. There's a box underneath your
desk, Diane.

Could you open the lid?

Read the card out first and then
take out the item.

Every time I lose a tooth, I put it
in a pot.

This is that pot.

Right. Lee's team.

Now, I'm confused, because my
children are watching this.

Why didn't the tooth fairy take
them?

Well, they did some.

Because, if you was to put that
under your pillow,

you'd get about 700 quid.

Are there teeth in there now?

Yes.

So, why did you decide to start just
collecting them?

Something to do, innit?

So, can I come and get it?

You can go and get it if you want
to, yes. All right.

Have you lost weight? You look
great!

That was rehearsed. Well done.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Thank you. Can I take the lid? Yeah.

I feel like a very grumpy fairy.

There's a quid under your pillow,
love.

Oh, my God!

Oh, wow!

Wow. That's huge! That's a big one.

That's like a big cat's tooth. More
like a fang.

This one's quite decayed. Yeah.

They're not healthy-looking teeth.

She's from Bolton. Oh...

Can you talk us through them, Diane?

Do you remember which one comes from
where?

Erm, well, they all came from my
mouth.

I appreciate that,

but in which parts of the mouth?

Can you explain this one? Because
that is just...

That's like a dinosaur tooth!

It's very long and sharp.

Well, you know that it's not just
the top of your teeth

that you can see. They go down into
your gums.

Oh, yeah, I went to school.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

What scares me is,
if this isn't true,

whose teeth are these?!

If I find out the producer of this
show has pulled

out his children's teeth for the
sake of this show,

I will genuinely say,
"Well done, mate."

You can probably buy children's
teeth online.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

What do you think, Rory? Is she
telling the truth?

I think she has to be telling the
truth, because she doesn't

strike me as a person warped and
deranged enough to collect

other people's teeth.

No, I don't think... No, no, no.

I think I'd better explain how this
show works.

If she's not telling the truth, it
means that this is as new to her

as it is to us.

It doesn't mean, "I'm lying because
they're not my teeth."

All right, it's true.

It's true.

I hope it's true. OK, true.

You're saying it's true? Yeah.
OK. Diane. Truth or lie?

It's actually...

..true.

Argh!

Why would you do that?!

I don't know.

Bob, you're next.

My first taste of fame was when the
local newspaper

dubbed me the c*ck King.

David's team.

What was the newspaper?

My local.

It was called the South London
Press.

So, are you from South London?

I was in the lead up to the
headline...

..the c*ck King.

Why were you in the public eye?
Doing what?

I was a solicitor at the time...
Mm-hm.

..and I sued the local authority...

..because of c*ck infestations
in the council houses.

Yes!

Yes!

AUDIENCE CLAP AND APPLAUD

That's what I did.

And, of course, it was that kind of
style in court that won the day.

We settled outside of court,
actually.

But the...

I have to change the names.

Because these are real legal
proceedings that we're talking
about.

Why does the fact that it's real
legal proceedings mean

that you have to change the names?

Because I don't think it's fair to
say that,

let's say she's called Barbara
Lighthouse,

lived in the horror of c*ck
infestation.

Were you representing Barbara
Lighthouse?

I was, yes. She had engaged your
services?

She had engaged my services.

I visited her property.

It must have been ages to get to the
top.

There were Egyptian c*ck.

So, I had an idea, right?

I said, "I bet this is bad for your
mental health,

"living with c*ck."

And I, erm, took them to the
Magistrates' Court

on a private criminal prosecution
under the Public Health Act.

Why're you counting every letter in
the sentence? Because...

Are you working out how much to
charge her?

You mentioned Egyptian c*ck.
The Egyptian c*ck, yeah.

I wasn't aware that there were
different types.

They live in the concrete and they
can actually live

off the concrete that the buildings
are made of.

They can eat concrete? Yep.

Bob...

They've got some ha-a-ard
c*ck.

They live in the concrete?

They nip out to go behind the fridge
or the cooker,

or to turn the lights out.

What were the size of these Egyptian
c*ck?

They're long and thin, slip right
in.

That's my profile on Tinder!

The phrase c*ck King would
suggest a champion

of the c*ck, other than an
opponent. Or, in fact, their leader.

Did you lead the c*ck away,
like the Pied Piper?

No, I didn't.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

What happened was, is I got an
expert from

the University of Cambridge called
Broccoli Highkicks.

Again, I've changed his name.

His brief from me was, "Can you in
any way argue that this is contrary
to public health?"

He confirmed it, went to court...

It's all coming every so clear,
now...

We went to court, yeah?

Ronnie Omelettes was the housing
officer.

You haven't changed his name, have
you?

And what was she called...?
Barbara Lighthouse.

Barbara Lighthouse brought a clear
jar

of the c*ck with her and
poured them over Ronnie Omelettes.

Right?

Of course, he was very frightened,
didn't know what to do,

at which point Barbara Lighthouse
said, "I think I've made my point."

You know, to the housing officer.

"This is what I live with."

So, the Council agreed to rehouse.

Next day, the c*ck King.

Right, what you going to say, David?

It's that bizarre that only Bob
could make it up,

so I think that's true.

That doesn't make sense. So, you're
saying...

So, you're saying, only Bob could
make it up,

then he could have made it up?

Only Bob can make it up like that.

Right. So convincing.

So, we're in trouble, aren't we?

Because, what you're saying, if
anyone else had said it,

it would definitely be true, because
they couldn't have invented it.

The one person who's saying it is
also coincidentally the only

human who could also have invented
it. Yes.

What a terrible set of
circumstances.

You think it's true? I think it's
true.

Do you think it's true? Yes, let's
say it's true.

We're going to go true. OK.

Now, Bob, truth or lie?

I was telling...

..the truth.

Emma.

You're next.

OK.

When I was Baby Spice I mainly just
ate babyfood.

David's team.

So, you only ate babyfood? Yeah.

So, I moved in with the girls,
we lived together.

And we didn't have very much money.

So, I used to eat babyfood.

What were the other girls eating at
this stage?

Beans on toast, erm,
corned beef and rice.

Corned beef and rice?

Who was eating that? Who do you
think?

I'd go for Mel B. Yep.

Nowt wrong with that!

Just eat it.

It would never occur to me to eat
babyfood.

How did you discover that?

It was either my nephew or a cousin,
a baby,

and I must've just tasted it.

You were stealing babyfood off a
child?

I still do it now with my own kids.

What were your stools like?

I don't know...

I don't think that question's ever
been asked on before this show.

I'm not going to answer that!
Well, because, because...

You don't have to answer that, Emma.
Thank you. Please.

Because having been an active father
with nappy changing,

I know the effect that that stuff
has on your system.

I think there's a trajectory.

What you're talking about is, when a
baby goes

from just having milk to having the
first babyfood,

there is a marked change in the
nature of the stools.

Basically, it turns into normal
excrement,

which is not very nice,

from being extremely, you know...
The most pleasant of the excrements,

is the excrement of a baby before it
is weaned.

Not saying it's an actively nice
substance, but of all the excrement,

it's definitely my favourite.

AUDIENCE HOWL WITH LAUGHTER

THEY APPLAUD

Can I just say, David, on behalf of
the team,

thank you for getting us past Sean's
awkward moment.

If you like, I'll rank all of the
excrements.

So, I would prefer horse to dog.

Who wouldn't?

No-one puts dog on the roses.

Tell you what, why don't you relax
for a little while?

So, what are you going to say?

I think it's a lie.

What do you think? I think it's
false. We're going to go lie.

You're saying it's a lie. Right.

Emma. Truth or lie?

Erm, unfortunately,

it's true. Oh!

David.

You're next.

I can walk from my house to the
corner shop on only one gulp of air.

And regularly do so, just for fun.

Lee's team.

How far's the corner shop from your
house, David?

Four miles.

No, it's, erm...

..I mean, it's... it's yards.

When do you take the gulp?

Earlier that day.

Is it before the moat or after the
moat?

It's as I clear the drawbridge.
Yeah.

As the drawbridge has landed and
you've stepped off the drawbridge.
Absolutely.

Approximately how many houses are
there from you and the corner shop?

To the corner shop? I think, 25.

But these are just estate workers
cottages.

I pass them very, very quickly.

Why did you go to the shop and
think, I'll take a gulp of air

and hold your breath till you get
there?

It started on a day where I had had
a problem

with serial hiccups.

One way of getting rid of hiccups is
to hold your breath,

but I was also going to the shop and
I was trying to hold my breath

as long as possible.

And is it not an awkward moment?
When one of your neighbours passes

you and says, "Morning, David!" And
you go, "Morning..."

Yes and on occasion I have given up
on the holding the breath

in order to greet someone and seem
like a normal human.

Why don't you demonstrate it for us?

You want me to walk back and forth
across the set holding my breath?
Yes.

And that, in your view, would
achieve something?

I won't be able to talk
you through it,

of course, because I will be holding
my breath. We will observe you.

Which is one of the many reasons why
this is such an ill-fated idea.

Shall we be your wife and child?

Well, they're back at home. Yeah,
you can.

Or you could be a grandfather clock
and a piano.

You're not part of this.

OK. So, you're saying goodbye to
Lucy, your lovely wife, and your boy

who's shot up, Dion.

All right, off you go. You're
heading to the corner shop.

Farewell, beloved family. For I must
go to the shop.

See you, Dad. Yeah.

All right. You get to the front
gate.

HOLDS BREATH

Morning, David!

Why'd you never talk to me?

I'm stuck here with the baby and
you're parading

round the street!

Your flies are undone!

Are they?

Debbie said my flies are undone and
I just exhaled and went, "Are they?"

So, you know, the experiment is
completely ruined.

I'll check my flies.

So, what are you going to say, Lee?

I don't believe in the shop.

What?

I'm imagining that David lives in
the countryside somewhere.

No, I've been to David's house.

It's a ghetto.

The thing he's missing out is, when
he gets to the shop,

all his crew are hanging around
outside.

"Ah, doing your graffiti again, can
I play?"

I don't think it's true. I don't
think so. Well, I'll go with my team
and say that's not true.

You're going to say it's a lie.
David, truth or lie?

Well, it is...

..a lie.

Henning, you're next.

I...

I once presented a woman at work
with what I now realise

was a deeply inappropriate gift.

What was the gift?

Dustpan and brush.

And what was the context in which
you gave her a dustpan and brush?

It was her birthday.

And... Oh, no.

And where were you working?

That was the company I was working
for before I left for Britain.

And what do they do?

Essentially they tried to bundle the
demand of golf clubs.

Tried to what?

Bundle.

So, they wanted... So, not golf club
as in a stick, but a golf club

as in the whole thing with 18 holes
and facilities.

And they did what to them?

Tried to bundle it.

You know! It's a company that tried
to bundle 18-hole golf courses.

You know, when you run a golf club,
you have got certain needs.

You need ba*ls for the driving range
and you need flags for the holes

and whatnot and obviously,
the manufacturers,

they overcharge you, but if all the
clubs come together and buy...

What the hell are you talking about?

What they are doing!

I'm only speaking behalf the nation!

I think I'm getting there.

This is a company that organised
separate golf clubs to act

as a consortium in order to buy
golfing equipment

more inexpensively.

That is exactly, concisely the
business plan.

Exactly right.

And what was your role?

Er...

Chief bundler.

Trying to recruit new members to the
consortium.

I went round to golf clubs for a
jolly and then said,

"How about...

"You need a flag?"

It sounds ever so slightly like
a... sort of a mob protection racket.

It sounds like you turned up and go,
"What a shame

"if something were to happen to this
flag.

"Oops! It's snapped."

Was it particularly difficult
selling the bunkers?

Genuine question. Genuine... genuine
interest.

And why did you think that a dustpan
and brush would be an appropriate

present to start with?

Because we were, er, the day before
she was saying how much cleaning

she had to do at home and then I was
in a supermarket

and then I saw..."Oh, yeah, look at
that, that would be a nice present."

Henning, could you re-enact the face
of the gift recipient

when she opened the present?

Do you want me to be you and you be
the gift recipient? Yeah.

Give me.

I'll do my best you. Yeah.

FAUX GERMAN ACCENT: Hello.

Hello.

I have seen you trying to sell the
flags in the clubs like me.

You're doing such a great job.

We are bringing together so many of
the different golf clubs

in Germany.

We should get the Nobel Peace Prize.

But, instead, I got you this.

Oh, thank you very much.

AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

Alex, when you're there on
The One Show, do you exchange gifts?

Do you and Matt Baker, do you...

It's me, Matt Baker! Do you, erm...

Matt has bought me a variety of
gifts over the years.

Last year...

..a cup and saucer.

It's one of those you put in a posh
cupboard in your kitchen.

There's only one, ever, and it's in
that one.

It's nice, I always think, in your
house, to put a few things

aside for people to pack away

when you're dead.

I've got a few things in my house.

You put them there, you sort of
think, yeah, I won't be...

..I won't be touching that again,
but one day, when I'm dead,

someone will have to deal with that.

All right, well, David, what do you
think?

I think we'll all die one day.

Is it the truth?

It's true. I think it is true.

Well, I think we... we think it's
true.

That it's true? Yeah. OK.

Henning, was it true or was it a
lie?

Of course it's true.

Jo, you're next.

I was once favourite to win an
athletics events.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

But ended up coming last after an
incident

in a toilet cubicle.

David's team.

Well, OK, what was the athletics
event?

It was a javelin.

The javelin.

And when were you entered into a
javelin competition?

When I was at school.

How old were you?

I was abo-o-out 16.

And you were the favourite?

I was.

Why?

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Because I could chuck it a long way.

How far, roughly? Probably...

For God's sake, make it less than
110m,

which is the world record. Give
yourself a fighting chance.

111m.

No, I would say about 20 or 30m.

Were you also good at running fast?

Ha-ha-ha.

I don't think that was a joke!

To be fair, I think that was a
genuine question. Oh, sorry.

To get the momentum to throw it. OK.

I did actually, for a short time,
hold the 100m record for our school.

That was because I was having a f*g
behind the bike sheds

and I heard the dinner bell.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

What's the incident in the toilet
that handicapped your performance?

I was preparing for sports day in
the afternoon,

so I went in the toilet to have a
f*g, and, erm...

..I had a box of matches and I
struck one to light my f*g with,

didn't blow it out properly, put it
back in the box the box exploded

in my javelin throwing hand.

Oh.

So, this is a story about a serious
burn.

Yeah.

So, I had to throw the javelin at
sports day with my left hand.

Jonnie, what do you think?

How does this strike you?

I think it could be true.

And you think it's... True.

OK, true. You are saying it is true.

Er, Jo, truth or lie?

It is...

..true.

Lucy, you're next.

I once continued with a first date
even though I'd been sick

in my handbag.

Lee's team.

When was this?

Er, last week.

No, it wasn't. It was, erm...

I was about, I'd say, 22. 21,
22.

And why had you been sick in the
handbag?

I got very drunk.

We'd gone to an art gallery.

It was like a private fancy one and
he'd said...

He was a bit older and posher, and
he said, "Let's go to this art
gallery."

How much older and how much posher?

How much married?

AUDIENCE LAUGH

He was very... He was terribly,
terribly...

He didn't have a chin and, er, he
was...

Now, did he literally not have a
chin?

Because no wonder you vomited into
your handbag!

I'd got really drunk and then...

..he said, "Oh, I'll take you home."

We were on the bus.

The man who's a lot posher than you
took you home on the bus?

Well, I'd normally have had to
walk,

so it was an upgrade.

How big was your handbag? It was...

It was a, sort of, novelty,
leopardskin, fur bag that I'd
bought

from a, sort of, student
marketplace.

What, into the fur bag?

Was he starting to go...
"You sure that's dead?"

Oh, no, he didn't notice at all.

How were you sick? You must have
been sat next to him. Yeah.

I think he was looking out the
window or something.

Were you going home? Or you going...
Where were you going?

He said, "I'll walk you home." Yeah.

And I walked and I was aware that
there were was dripping.

Oh, God.

But he didn't seem to notice.

Well, he was older, maybe he was
leaking, too?

So, he walked you back to your
house. Yes.

I think he wanted to come in and I
said, "No...

"..I've just been sick."

Oh, you told him, then? Yeah.

And then nothing happened and I
never saw him again.

Presumably your keys...

Oh, my word, did you have to reach
in...? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Wouldn't that have been great?
"Would you like to come in for a
coffee?"

"OK!" They get to the front door...

"Actually, I've actually got to go
home."

Do you know? I don't think men's
standards are that high, are they?

All right. What are you thinking?

Debbie. I haven't quite got there
yet.

Because, if you're sick in your
handbag,

over all your stuff,

it is going to seep out a lot.

She said it was dripping out.

It would be leaving a trail.
And smelly.

At least he can find his way back to
the bus stop.

Follow the yellow sick road.

So, what are you going to say?

True.

Bob thinks it's true. True.

I'm going to go with my team and say
true. And say it's true!

Lucy.

Truth or lie?

It is...

Yeah!

I'm afraid that's all we've got time
for on this special edition

of Would I Lie To You? Thank you
for watching. Good night.