13x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, and welcome to
Would I Lie To You At Christmas?

A very special edition filled
with festive fibs.

On Lee Mack's team tonight, a TV
star who'll be spending Christmas

with her husband, Ozzy.

She'll be stuffing the turkey
and he'll be biting its head off.

It's Sharon Osbourne!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And a doctor turned TV presenter...

so if you've had a long wait
at A&E today, apologies

but we booked him first!
It's Dr Ranj Singh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on David Mitchell's
team tonight,

a writer and comedian who created

a little known show called
The Office

and I, for one, wish him all the
luck in the world with it.

It's Stephen Merchant.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a wild animal biologist,

although I don't know if she's
a biologist of wild animals

or just an animal biologist
who's a bit feisty...

It's Liz Bonnin!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, we begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists

read out a statement from the
card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to
sort the facts from the fiction.

Stephen is first up.

LEE: "I am in a Madness
tribute act."

Sorry. What I meant to say was,
Merry Christmas, Stephen.

Thank you. I once concealed a
serious injury

because I didn't want a builder
to think I wasn't one of the boys.

Lee's team. You pretended
you had a serious injury?

No, he concealed it, he hid it.

Oh, he concealed. I'm sorry.
Concealed means hidden.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much.

You can't dance to save your life.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, and what was this injury?

Thank you. No, thanks for asking.

It was quite a severe hand injury.

What happened to your hand?

I was at a, er, like a place
where they sell glass

and I cut my hand there.

Why did you care what the
builder thought of you?

Well, I had gone to buy some glass,

and my father, who used to be
in the building business,

said, "Orr, careful, son!"

Dunno where he's from!

Was he a pirate?

He said, "Be careful, mate,
when you go in there,

"cos if they think that you're,
like, some speccy student type,

"they'll hike the price."

So, I went into the shop and I tried
to seem quite sort of geezery.

Whoa! How did you do that? Show us!

I was like, "All right, you geezer!"

I said, "Where's your glass, mate?"

He's like, "We've got a tonne
of it!" and I went, "Cheers!"

And I sort of went over,
and in the shop

it's sort of stacked up, a bit like,
you know, if you go in...

But not like this story?

And I went to look at a piece
like that,

and I slid it out...
Ooh! Ooh!

And, yes, you're right

because the chap behind there,
the geezer said,

"Oh, don't do that, mate!"

Hang on, what are you...
He said, "You might cut yourself."

And obviously, I didn't...

And I went, "I think I know what
I'm doing, Chief."

I threw in a "chief!"

And looked at my hand. Gash.
Huge gash and I went, "Oh!"

But I didn't want him to see
that I'd cut my hand,

cos then he'd know
I wasn't one of the lads.

But what were you...
I put my hand in my pocket.

Did it not seep through?
Yes, it did.

Ooh! So, you now had a patch of
blood on your pocket.

It's sort of dribbling down
the leg for quite a while. Was it?

I want to know about when
you went to pay for it,

because that's tricky, cos
you've got one hand out of action.

Firstly, I tried to bandage it.

What with? Well, there you are.
That was... That was... Yes.

Where?! Well, so I...
In the pocket?

Well, no, what I did was I said...

Oh, I pretended to take a
phone call... Right.

And I said, and I went, you know...

"Hello, you muppet!"

And then I said,
"I've just got to take this."

Yeah, it's Kermit the Frog! Yeah!

LAUGHTER

I went outside and I was looking to
see if there was any shops nearby

and there was a sort of,
you know, a corner shop

and so I popped in there.
What did you get? Tissues?

I'm not sure I want to say.

Well, you have to.
Oh, I know what you used...

Oh, no, you didn't!

You used a diaper... You used
a panty liner, didn't you?

Yes, I did, yes.

Great idea! Really good idea!
Good! Thank you, doctor!

Very good. A trained doctor said
it was a good idea.

You used a panty liner
on your bleeding hand? Yes.

Well, I... And then took that out
of your pocket?

Well, no, I kept that in the pocket
when I went back in the shop...

Ugh... I was worried that he might
think I wasn't one of the lads

if I had a panty liner on my hand.

So, I kept that hidden,
I kept that from him.

Do you remember the cost, Steve?
I didn't get the discount.

Did they charge you the top whack?

The charged you the top idiots rate.
Yes.

Stephen, darling, how many stitches
did you have in your hand?

I didn't... I didn't actually get
stitches in the end.

What did you do?

I think I just let it
sort of...heal. Naturally?

Yes. More organic, yes.

Thank you, yes.

You know what's also organic?
Tetanus.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, Sharon, what are you thinking?
Is this true, Do you think?

I think it is.

LEE: Why? Why do you know it's true?

Because I think he's trying to throw
us off by...

Being vague about it. Yes.
Yeah. Very vague.

I think you're lying, because
I would've thought you'd have gone

and got medical attention
and got it seen to.

Hmm... I don't know who to trust
the most.

I mean, it's Hobson's choice,
isn't it?

I'm 51-49. It's very close.
It's true, I think. Sharon...?

I think that's how much it cost!

51.49!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, you're saying it's true?
We're saying it's true.

Steve, was it true
or were you telling a lie?

It was a...

..truth.

SHARON CHEERS

Sharon, you're next. OK.

I once sacked a member of my staff
because he showed

absolutely no sense of humour
during a house fire.

David's team.

What was burning? The house.

No, but...

..where in the house did the fire
start?

In our living room.

And this member of staff,
what was his job?

He was my husband's assistant
at the time.

OK.

You fired him cos
he DIDN'T find it amusing? Yes.

Why did you find it amusing?

RANJ: Did you start it?

No...

No! Well, yes, but no.

How did it begin, Sharon?
How did this happen?

Christmas... Yes.

..beautiful, kind of, you know,
chilly, Christmas night,

and my hubby and I thought,

"Oh, well, let's light
this beautiful gift,"

that somebody had just given us.

And it was this big candle

in this copper kind of vessel that
it's in.

And we turned the lights out
and we watched a Christmas movie,

and then we went up to bed.

We'll draw a veil there.

What happened then?

This alarm was ringing
and ringing. An alarm went off?

Yes, a fire alarm.

Was Ozzy keen to go down
and have a look?

Yes, I sent him down. Ah, OK.

He's going, "I can't go down -
I'm flammable!"

And so he went down and suddenly
I hear my name being called.

SOFTLY: "Sharon! Sharon!"

"Help me! Help me!"

It's the Ghost of Christmas Past!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, I went downstairs and,
there he was in the living room,

and his arm was on fire.

His what?! Arm. His arm?

Was he in pyjamas, or...?
What's he got on?

No, he had a sling on like this...
His sling was on fire?

And half his hair.
Half his hair was all on fire.

So, um... So, you started laughing?

Yes! So, then...

Where was this assistant
during all of this? Why...?

Sleeping.

So, anyways...

How dare he?

And by this time,
the candle had melted

this thing that wasn't copper.

It was like...cheapo.
It wasn't copper.

Ooh, that's ill*gal. that -
pretending to be a copper.

But, you see, in America...

I just got it.

Anyway, so, I picked up the magazine

and I'm hitting Ozzy
with the magazine.

"You idiot! Don't catch fire!" Yes!

And I'm thinking, "Why isn't it...?"

And then the magazine
caught on fire.

Was it Heat?

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

So, then, outside,
there was a fountain. Right.

So, I pushed Ozzy out...

You threw him in the fountain?
Made a wish.

The arm and his hair stops.

ROB IMITATES SIZZLING
Yes.

And then, I think. "Right,
where is that...of an assistant?"

So, I go into the guesthouse...
Yes.

..and he's going,
"Everything all right?" You know?

And I'm like,
"No! The house is on fire!

"Get out. Help! Go in, and
get the paintings out."

It's what a personal assistant's
number-one job -

go into a burning building
and get the art out.

"Fetch that magic eye!"
Yeah.

"The cat calendar in the kitchen -

"there's still four days to go
on it!"

And there were dogs, and I said,
"You must go in and find the dogs."

Yeah.

And so, he was, like, humming and
hawing, this EX-assistant.

So, anyway, he did get the dogs.

And so the fire engines arrived.
Very lovely people.

And then they came and they had
this oxygen for the assistant.

So, then I said to him... Yes?

.."How very dare you.

"You work here and you get more
paintings out right now."

"Yeah, you can oxygenate
your blood on your own time."

And I took the mask...
You didn't take the mask off him!

I took the mask
and I put it on my dog.

Seriously? Yes.

You said on the card that you sacked
him for not having a sense of
humour.

Isn't that what you said?
Yes, because...

Where's the humour in all of this?

Well, after this terrible night,
he was not talking to me.

And Ozzy and I were recounting
everything,

and we were laughing and laughing.

And he goes, "I don't see
what's funny about any of this!"

and he said, "I think I'm going to
have damaged lungs."

And, I mean, please!
So, then...I said...

.."If you don't think that's funny,
do you think this is funny?"

And he goes, "What?"

I said, "You're fired."

You used the word "fired"?!

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

All right, Liz,
what are you thinking?

I 100% believe this story.

So, totally true for you? Yeah.
Stephen?

I think I'm inclined
to agree with Liz.

There was a lot of
very, very good detail.

So, you're going to say it's true?
100%. I think we are.

And I think we're hoping
that it's true. Yeah, yeah.

Sharon, were you telling the truth,
or were you telling a lie?

Well, the answer is, it's...

..true!

Yes, true.

Sharon really did sack someone

because they didn't have
a sense of humour.

Our next round is called
"This is My...",

where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.

Now, this week, each of
David's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest.

It's up to Lee's team to spot
who is telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Nolan.

So, Stephen, what is Nolan to you?

Well, this is Nolan, and we once
caused a genuine accident

whilst filming a fake one
for You've Been Framed.

Liz, how do you know Nolan?

This is my old friend Nolan.

When we were at school together,

he refused to remove a spider
from under my desk

until I agreed to pay him a fee.

And, David, what is your
relationship with Nolan?

This is Nolan,
and I once spent New Year's Day

comforting his drunk sheep.

Lee's team, where would you begin?

Stephen. Shall we start
with Stephen? Yeah.

He looks the shiftiest, doesn't he?

So, Stephen... Yes, sir.
..when was this?

Uh... Back in the day.
Back in the day?

And talk us through
what you intended to do.

Well, I think we thought that,
you know, good money to be earned

from a video on You've Been Framed.

And so the plan was, during a lunch
hour, we would go to my house,

my parents' house, where I lived.

I'm supposedly walking out
of the living room,

Nolan comes in, he bumps into me,
you know, hits me with the door...

This is part of the fictional...?
This is the fictional version.

And it smacks me in the face
and I fall backwards over the sofa.

Nice. 250 quid, done. Right.

So... So, we're trying that.
That's the plan.

Had you rehearsed it?

Well, during the rehearsal,
we...we did this.

Did you videotape the rehearsal?
No.

Well, I thought we were filming,

but you know how sometimes when you
press record on a camera... Yes.

..it's actually pausing it cos it
was already running? Oh, yeah.

So, um...I say, "Action!"

but we get the timing all wrong.

And so he comes in
and hits me with the door,

but it was a genuine accident -
I wasn't timing it right -

and I ripped the door off its hinges

and I flipped backwards
over the couch.

I mean, that sounds unbelievable.

What can I tell you?

And we obviously, we thought, "This
is dynamite. Did you get it?

"Did you get it?"

But, of course,
he'd got the timing all wrong,

so what we saw was us going,
"This is going to be amazing!"

Blank. And then, "Oh, God, what have
I done?! What have I done?!"

That is kind of what we had on
the tape.

Yes... Who's Nolan?

Why doesn't he talk?
Why doesn't he talk? Yeah.

He's not allowed.
It's not cos he's traumatised.

That's the rules.

All right, OK.
Who would you like to quiz next?

Liz, can you remind us
how you know Nolan?

Nolan and I were in school
together... Oh, yeah.

And he only agreed to remove
the spider from under my desk

if I agreed to pay him a fee.

Right... How much was it?

Was it money?

STEPHEN: How the hell
are you a doctor?!

What were you thinking? Sweets!

Yeah. Has anyone checked
his doctor credentials?!

Or is he a doctor
like Dr Dre is a doctor?

So, first of all... You two went
to school together, then?

So, you're the same age, then?

Has he had, like,
a much harder life?

Irish gentlemen tend to weather
quite...quickly.

Sorry, Nolan. Mr Nolan, are you
related to the Nolan sisters?

No. No, no, no, no.

Nolan is his first name,

whereas with the Nolan sisters...
Do you remember? Yes.

..that was their surname.

So, tell me the conversation
with Nolan. How did it go?

There's a spider under my desk...
Right.

I think I went...
SHE SQUEALS

You know, I started getting
a little bit nervous of the...

Did the teacher not say,
"Pipe down"?

Well, we were in detention
at the time. Right.

Right. Do you just want to explain
to David what detention is?

David...

Actually, I had to go
to detention once.

LEE: Why?
Wow.

Because of an injustice!

So, Liz, you see the spider,
you nudge Nolan.

How close is Nolan?

I didn't nudge Nolan, but I went,
"There's a spider under my desk!"

He immediately went,
"I'll get rid of it for you,

"but, like, give us some money."

Did you not think to say
to the teacher,

"Look, I'm sorry to, uh, complain,
but there's a spider under my desk?"

"Excuse me..." No...

"..I'm afraid
I'm going to have to complain.

"Is there some sort of feedback form
I can...?"

Have you seen Nolan since,
or is this the first time?

We do see each other every now
and then in Dublin,

cos Dublin's very small,
so we do bump into each other.

And how are you now with spiders?
I'm great with spiders.

Why?

Now, what about David?
Remind us, David.

This is Nolan,

I once spent New Year's Day
comforting his drunk sheep.

When was this?

I think about...about ten years ago.

Right. Why was his sheep drunk?
Alcohol.

All right...

The consumption of alcohol
was what I put it down to.

How did the sheep get alcohol?

The sheep was hanging around
the back of a pub...

..wearing stockings!

Not... Not that I noticed, Sharon!

I was with a group of friends
staying in a little house...

How many friends?

I think there were about...
I think about eight of us.

That is definitely a lie.

Can we get to the whole thing
of why the sheep is drunk? Well...

And who gave the sheep
the alcohol?

The sheep had found the alcohol
for itself.

There had been some bottles and some
drip trays left out

the back of the pub after
the New Year's Eve revelry,

and the sheep had gone and had...

Swigged a bottle.

I didn't see the initial drinking,
but I've always assumed

it was more of a sort of
lapping from a drip tray.

But it may be that the sheep
had lifted up...

..a bottle and, you know,
delicately brought it to its lips.

And when you came across this sheep,
what state was he in?

Paint a picture for us.
Imagine a sheep...

You've lost your friends,
they seem to have vanished again,

and...you're at the back of the pub
on your own.

One of my friends...

A gentle tear
trickling down on New Year's Day.

"Not another 12 months of this,"
you're saying to yourself.

Absolutely, yeah.
No, one of my friends is with me.

We had gone for a walk
on New Year's Day.

You and the friend?
Yeah. Right.

We'd been staying in this cottage
on Nolan's farm.

We came... It wandered into
the village,

and in the pub car park, there was
a sheep behaving eccentrically.

How...? How...?

It was capering about.

Maybe there was the odd bleat,
I'm not sure.

Looking at the clouds, going...

SLURS: .."How did you lot
get up there?"

So far, you've painted
a very vivid picture,

but there's no sign of Nolan.

No. Well, my friend goes
and gets him.

We figured it's probably
a sheep from that farm. Yes.

And, either way, he's the only
person we knew locally

who knew what to do about sheep.

How did you actually
comfort that sheep?

I mean, I mainly...

I mean, all you can do, really,
is I just...I stayed with it,

I was there.

All right, we need an answer,
so, Lee's team, is Nolan

Stephen's pranking pal,
Liz's mercenary mate

or David's sheepish shepherd?

I think it is Liz.
You think it's Liz. Because?

He's got an Irish accent.

How'd you do that without moving
your lips?!

Did you catch that?
That's absolutely amazing.

Do it again. Wow!

Just cos I think...

Is my chair sinking?!

Someone's had some extra mince pies
this year!

Send this clip to
You've Been Framed!

Is it "bring your child to work"
day?

So, Ranj thinks it's Liz.
I think it's Liz.

What does Sharon think?
I think Stephen.

It's Liz or Stephen...

We'll say Liz.
You're going to say it's Liz.

OK, Nolan, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Nolan,

and Stephen and I tried to video
a film for You've Been Framed.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Nolan is Stephen's
pranking pal.

Thank you very much, Nolan.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies,

and we start with...

It's Stephen.

One New Year's Eve, a group
of strangers used me

as a living landmark.

Lee's team.

Uh... What are you talking about?

What, they threw a firework
at you, right?

No. No?

Not everyone's a pyromaniac, Sharon.

No, they...
I was down in Trafalgar Square,

cos it was New Year, and, you know,

it gets very popular down there,
very busy.

How long ago was this?

This was probably ten years ago
when I was more, you know,

more of a young, free
and single player, guy about town.

You know, down in Trafalgar Square

at the stroke of midnight
New Year's Eve.

You know what I'm talking about.

Well, I've been there at lunchtime.
OK.

Cos I'm 6'7", obviously, I tower,

I can see everybody, you know,

and I see a group of young ladies.

And I thought, "Here we go, lads.
Watch out."

Cos they were looking at me,

I thought, "They've see me
on the telly.

"Of course they have.
They're looking for a bit of..."

"Happy New Year," I thought.

They're looking for
some Steve action.

And they came over and they said
to me,

"Are you going to be here
for a while?"

And I said, "Yes, I am."

And they said, "Great, because
we've arranged to meet back at you."

In Trafalgar Square, where there's
no other obvious landmarks.

I'd just like to say something. Yes.

Because when you said
in the beginning "landmark",

I thought you said "land mine."

That's why I said...

..a firework, you see?

Hang on, hang on...

Why would you throw
a firework at a land mine?

To set it off!

It's a lovely thing to laugh about
at Christmas.

Ha-ha, land mine!

Cluster b*mb!

Do you think it's true or a lie?
I think it's true.

You think it's true? Yes.

You're going to say true?
We'll go with true.

Stephen, they're saying it's true.

Was it the truth, or was it a lie?

It is...

..true.

LEE: Yay!

Next...

..it's Lee.

Possession.

Right, there's a box
under the desk.

Uh... Now then...
DAVID: Aw, lovely!

Would you first of all, Lee,
take the item out of the box,

pop it on the desk, and then, when
you've done that, read the card.

This is Big Bertha.

Every Christmas morning,
I use it to wake my wife

from her peaceful slumber
by honking it in her face.

David's team.

Why did this tradition begin?

It started because I am very excited
about Christmas morning.

I always get up nice and early.

I'm actually one of the few people
that are up before the kids get up.

Why did you feel that
you couldn't just let your wife

either wake up naturally or perhaps
just wake her up in a more gentle

and, dare I say it, human way?

I did a different system
for the first three years.

That didn't work.

Um...

But you've got some lovely kids!

Why don't you imagine
that the beautiful Sharon...

I'm sleeping.

Sharon, you're my wife. Yes!

OK, now, if you could just get into
character - pass wind, snore.

So, she's asleep,
and then I wake up.

HUSHED VOICE: Ooh! 4:30.
It's time for the trumpet.

Under the bed.

Who are you speaking
to when you say that?

This is the internal monologue.

Try and communicate that just with
your face, just with the eyes.

OK, then.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Lovely bit of acting there, yeah.

And I get it out like this,
nice and quiet.

Oi! Who's he?

RASPY TRUMPETING

She wakes up - same joke every year.

I go, "Sorry about that,"
and waft the duvet.

And then she wakes up.

And then...

HE PLAYS NOTE

Oh...!

I was holding back.

What do you think, Steve?
I just... I don't know.

There's something that doesn't
quite ring true with this story.

I can't put my finger on it,
I don't know what it is.

What about you, David?

It is a lie.

Well, there we are.

So, was it the truth,
or were you telling a lie?

Well, I was, in fact, telling...

HE INHALES DEEPLY

..a lie.

TRUMPETING

BUZZER

Oh, that noise signals time is up,
It's the end of the show.

I can reveal that David's team have
won by three points to two.

APPLAUSE

Thanks for watching. We'll see you
next time. Goodnight.