16x11 - Episode 11

[bunniefuu]

Good evening and welcome
to a very special edition of

even more unseen clips from
Series 16 of Would I Lie To You?

Joining David Mitchell tonight
are Motsi Mabuse, Bez,

Sarah Greene, Joe Wilkinson,

Snoochie Shy, Lucy Martin

and Anton Du Beke.

And joining Lee Mack tonight -

Jo Brand, Steve Pemberton,

Shazia Mirza, Lucy Beaumont,

Tom Allen, Amol Rajan,

Bob Mortimer,
Professor Alice Roberts

and Morgana Robinson.

We begin with Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panellists read out

a statement from the card in front
of them. To make things harder,

they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea what they'll be
faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.

And Jo Brand is first tonight.

I once broke my ankle, but instead
of calling an ambulance,

I went all the way to A in
a wheelbarrow.

David's team?

Oh. So, where were you when you
broke your ankle?

I was in the park. OK.

Uh, I fell off a swing.

There was a wheelbarrow
just lying in the park?

Well, there was one with a gardener
quite near it.

Right, so you fell off a swing

and you broke your ankle?
I'd been to the pub, OK?

Yeah.

And I got a bit tired cos I had
so many crisps.

So, we walked home through the park,
we're drunk.

So, we went on the swings.

And what time of day was this?

Sort of about three o'clock in
the afternoon.

OK. And so you break your ankle...?
What? You get much more drunk

if you drink at lunchtime,
don't you?

It's absolutely true. Wine at lunch
makes you silly,

wine in the evening makes you wise.

That doesn't rhyme at all.

Not everything has to rhyme!

Yeah, but you said it...

You said it like it was rhyming.

You said it with a rhythm.

Wine at lunchtime makes you silly,

wine at night-time makes you wise.

So, you fall off the swing?

Do you know instantly
that your ankle is broken?

No, but it really, really
hurt a lot.

So, what happened? Well, what
happened was that we were in a park,

which is... We know what a park is.

I hadn't finished the end of
the sentence yet. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, we're in a park. Right.

Comma. Right.

I've started hearing punctuation.

We're in a park, colon,

cos that hurt, too. And...

...the hospital wasn't that far,
but it was too far for me

to kind of limp.

And there was a gardener doing
some work on a flower bed.

And so a friend of mine just went
over, like you do when you're drunk

and ask stupid questions.

"Can you wheel my friend
to A in your barrow?"

What do you think, Joe?

Yeah, yeah, afternoon drinking
can do that.

What about you, Lucy?
I think it's true. Yeah.

Yeah, I think we do think it's true.
You think it's true? Right.

Was it true or was it a lie?

It is...

...a lie. Oh!

I believed that.

Bez, you're next.

At Top Of The Pops, I upset
MC Hammer when I stole

his silly trousers from his
dressing room.

Now, for those of you at home
maybe not familiar with him,

this is MC Hammer.

MC Hammer's budget always
went on the trousers.

There was nothing left for upstairs.

What was he singing?

I'm not sure what he sang, sings,
sung, actually.

But, uh...

That one? Yeah, yeah.

Probably not allowed to do that cos
we probably have to pay
the rights to MC Hammer.

I don't think it was that close.

It sounds more like this,
doesn't it?

♪ Can't touch this... ♪

Wow! You're very good.

I'll give you that.

Oh-h-h-h-h!

OK. I take it back. They have
cleared the rights.

OK. So, you were on with
the Happy Mondays?

Yeah. The Stone Roses

and MC Hammer. How do you chance
upon stealing his trousers?

Well, I was dared.

Shaun said to me, "Listen, Bez,
I'll give you 20 quid if you sneak

"in there, get MC Hammer's pants."

And obviously I rose
to the challenge.

Now, when you popped into
the dressing room, surely

there was nobody else in there
at the time? I mean...

No, no. It was empty, he was doing
his dress rehearsal.

Had you already had your dress
rehearsal? No, no.

We was waiting cos we was higher
up in the charts than he was.

Oh!

How did you get in there?

What, in the charts you mean?

People would buy any old rubbish
back in the '90s.

How did you get in
the dressing room?

He'd foolishly left it open.

Oh! With a big sign saying,
"You can't touch this".

So, he's got his massive
trousers in there.

Now you've taken them.

What happened when MC Hammer
went back?

Well, the producer of the show wants
to know who had

MC Hammer's... And we was all
denying it.

Word had got out. He wanted
them back,

you know what I mean? The Stone
Roses were denying it, were they?

I bet they had their eye
on Ian Brown.

He looks like he could steal things.

We was going to swap bands with
The Stone Roses at the time.

We was going to go
on as The Stone Roses. Were you?

And they'd go on as us.

But, you know what I mean,
after stealing MC Hammer's

trousers before, that might have
been a little too much for him.

Were you going to go on and sing
a Stone Roses song or sing

your own song? Yeah, yeah, we was
going to swap bands.

What were you going to sing
as The Stone Roses?

I think it was only
Fools Gold at the time.

But did you know that song?

No. We was miming it. It was Top Of
The Pops.

Get away with it.

Did he get his trousers
back for the performance?

Well, unfortunately,
he had spare pairs.

So, you managed to keep them?

Yeah. We've still got them to this
day. Where are they now?

On me trophy wall at home.
What else is on your trophy wall?

Wouldn't you like to know?

All right. What do we think? Shazia?

I mean, it's plausible, isn't it?

And there's a lot of detail.

What about you, Steve?
I think it's true.

It's a perfect Top Of The Pops
story. Lee's not so sure.

I'm not so sure because I think...

I think Shaun would tell him
to do it, definitely.

And I think Bez
would definitely do it.

The more I think about it,
the more I think it's true.

Saying it's true.

Bez, Top Of The Pops,
MC Hammer's trousers,

truth or lie?

It is the...

...only lie...

Snoochie, you're next.

Oh, OK.

There's one job in the house
I hate doing so much,

I get my mum to come round and do
it for me.

Right, Lee's team. What is it?

When I'm washing up, there's food
and it gets stuck in the plug,

so all the food like comes together
and it's just there,

like a little party of food.
That's the job.

So, you'll happily wash up the
plates, but you're not dealing with

the food that's gone into the hole?

Yeah, yeah. No. Your poor mother.
That's not very nice.

Yeah, but she only lives five
minutes' walk down the road,

so it's not like she's travelling
far. It's no bother at all to come

and clear your plughole? No, no, no.

Literally. No.

Sorry. That came out a bit wrong.
To be fair, actually...

I think you're apologising
to the wrong person, Rob.

So, your mum's cool with this, then?

I think it's something that she's
just like, "Oh, yeah, it's fine.

"I know Shy wants that to happen."
It's for my Snoochie.

Yeah, exactly. Does she call you
Shy, your surname?

Snoochie Shy? No, She actually calls
me Charlotte.

Why does she call you that?

My real name is Cheyenne,
but I was born Charlotte. Right.

And in first day year seven, when
I was 11, my mum was downstairs

and she was, "Cheyenne Shy,
get down now!"

So I was thinking, "Who the hell
is Cheyenne?"

So I came down the stairs and she
was like... She had the deed

poll, paid £50 for it.

She's like, "It's your name now, go
to school."

So I went to school.

This is the story
you should be telling!

I went to school...

She changed your name at 11
without asking you. Yeah.

What was wrong with Charlotte,
why did she change...?
She said she never liked it.

Wow. So then I got Cheyenne.
Where did Cheyenne come from?

She just had it in her head.

Sounds like one of Bob's
friends, doesn't it? "Shy Anne".

But I've been calling you Snoochie.

Well, clearly when she was 15,
she went,

"Snoochie, get down here!" You're
thinking, "Who the hell's Snoochie?"

"I never liked Cheyenne either, so
I've changed it to Snoochie.

"Get yourself to school."

But with Cheyenne, obviously, that's
my name now, my real name.

And then the only person
that calls me Charlotte now

is actually my mum.
Oh, so she likes it now!

She's made everyone else change
it, but now she likes it.

Snoochie was the name that my nan
used to call me when I was
growing up.

She's like "Oh, you're so cute."
Like "snoochie" meant cute.

But then I changed it to my
work name.

And then after I changed it to my
work name, I actually went

on Urban Dictionary and then I found
out that "snoochie"

actually means "flaccid carrot
stuck in the refrigerator".

What?

How can a flaccid carrot be
stuck...?

I have no idea. "I can't get this
blooming flaccid carrot out!"

Snoochie, can I ask, do you have
a dishwasher?

Yeah. And will you clean the filter
in your dishwasher?

Clean the filter in the dishwasher?

I must apologise. My friend Robert
has not been speed dating before.

I'm going to be so honest,

I didn't know there was a filter
in the dishwasher.

You don't know there's a filter in
the dishwasher, where do you think

it all goes? I don't know.
To the River Thames.

Oh! And that would be fine,
wouldn't it?

Right. OK, let's go for
a guess here.

Alice? If that indeed is your name.

Sometimes it is.

Oh, she was almost flirting with
you then, Lee.

Almost. Almost. But then she looked
at me and remembered what I looked

like and changed her mind.

So, Alice, truth or lie?

I think it's true. True?

I think so. Yeah, cos it is yucky.

I can't lie.

I actually enjoy it.

I enjoy it as well! The satisfaction
of getting like that in a ball

and eating it like an apple.

Yes. No! Ugh!

Lovely.

What do you think, Bob? I think it's
true. You think it's true, too?

Of course it's true. She's young.

She hasn't lifted a finger in
her life, they never do.

All right. Charlotte, Cheyenne,

or should I call you Snoochie?

Was it true or was it a lie?

It was...

...true.

Steve, you're next.

I once had to explain to the police
why I had two coffins

in the back of my van.

David's team. Imagine I'm
the police.

"Why have you got two coffins
in the back of your van, sir?"

Um, well, I was doing a touring
play at the time

and there was vampires in it,

so we had two coffins in the back
of the van as props.

And we were actually in Germany
doing this play

called Neighbours with Long Teeth. And...

Things never translate from
English to German, do they?

Why did the police stop you?

Well, unbeknownst to us,

the head of the Deutsche Bank had
just been assassinated...

...in Frankfurt.

Right. And they were stopping everyone.

And so they were pulling
over basically all vans.

They were looking for anything
dodgy, basically, I guess.

Where were you? Which city?

It was just outside Frankfurt.

I live there. Do you? Yeah.

So, they pulled you over.

Machine g*ns, everything.

Very, very serious situation.

And we had to explain the plot
of our play,

Neighbours with Long Teeth.

Cos you speak a bit of
German? Ja.

How many of you were there?

Three of us. Oh, you should have
said "nein".

What sort of venues
are you touring round?

Schools. Schools?

The plot went that I was a sort of
young 17-year-old schoolboy

who'd fallen in love with my
neighbour, who was a vampire.

And she came up out of the coffin

and that's where we first met.

And what was the other coffin for?

The other coffin was for her
parents, her mum or her dad.

I think they shared,
because they're a married couple,

they're allowed to...
Like a double...

I mean, to be fair, Motsi is
loving this show.

And how did you explain all this to
the police?

Um, it was a lot of mime. But it's
quite a complex plot,

so how would you convey it to them?

I think they had more things
on their mind than the...

They didn't get to act three.

What point in your description
of the story did they glaze over?

Right, Bez, what do you think?

Well, I love the plot of Neighbours
with Long Teeth. It's got

to be true with Steven, I reckon.

You think true. Motsi?

You don't think any of this is true,
do you?

You don't think this is really
happening. Is this happening?

But don't you remember when
the President of the Deutsche Bank

was assassinated in Frankfurt?

When did this happen?

It would have been late '80s.

I was just born.

So, you're not a suspect.

That wasn't a big part of your
childhood. I was in Africa!

"Let us tell you the story

"of the president
of the Deutsche Bank."

What's it going to be?

Well, I live around Frankfurt area.

I mean, even if I wasn't there
in the '80s,

I think I would have heard
the story.

How old were you when you went
to Germany? 18.

You arrived in Frankfurt

over 20 years after Steve's
van was pulled over.

I am not surprised
they didn't mention it.

But this is a story.

This is culture. You carry that on.

A school tour of a play about vampires

and the police pull over their
van once,

on what was quite a busy day
for the police.

I cannot share your confidence
that they would have mentioned

it to you, an 18-year-old dancer
coming from South Africa.

I don't think that will be on
the things you need to know -

local restaurants, you know,
this is how you pay the tax,

the bins come on Tuesday.

"Oh, and I must tell you, back in
the late '80s,

"there was a guy here and he had
a couple of coffins in his van,

"turned out it was just
a schools tour."

If that's what you're basing it on,

I'm going with Bez.

So, you're saying it's true? Yes.

So, Steve, was it true
or was it a lie?

True.

What?!

And they never mentioned it!

I am moving out!

No!

Anton, you're next.

Oh, right. Bins on.

Here we go.

I taught Nelson Mandela
how to moonwalk.

Ooh! Oh, hello. Lee's team?

So, when were you on the moon
with Nelson Mandela?

When did you meet Nelson Mandela?

Just after he got released.

Obviously, otherwise you wouldn't be
able to teach him, would you?

So, it was just after South
Africa won the World Cup.

Yeah. The Rugby World Cup. It was tremendous.

There was different festivals
and things going on, and I was there

for a particular dance festival
with other dancers.

And Nelson Mandela, of course,
was there and onstage

I taught him how to moonwalk.

You think you would have mentioned
it on Strictly.

There's not as much room
for mentioning on Strictly

as there is on this show.

All we do on this show is mention.

Whereas that, they do dancing
as well.

This is just... The format is just
mention, mention,

mention, mention. And very little
dancing. So much so that half

the stuff we mention is just
absolute rubbish

and it's not true at all.

They have to give us untrue things
to mention, just to pad out

all the mentioning that needs
to be done.

Whereas on Strictly they have other
things to do.

It's like watching the football.

No-one mentions things, then.

A vague bit of shouting, very little mentioning.

At the end, there's a bit of mentioning.

"Why did you lose?"
"I don't know." But...

You know? But this is
a mentioning-based bit of TV.

Like Question Time.
That's very mentioning.

That's basically the same as this.

There's a different style
of mentioning,

but they just basically mention
away until that's finished

and people can go.

Why aren't you called Mention Time?

They absolutely should do.

It's more mentioning
than questioning, isn't it?

So, what do you think about
Anton's claim?

Ralf? I'm leaning towards true.
I think it's the kind of thing

that could happen.

You think it's the truth. Lucy?
I think I've heard it before.

I think a lot of people have said...
Oh, so you have seen it on Strictly?

No. Like, "Oh, I taught
Nelson Mandela to moonwalk." Wait.

A lot of people? A lot of people
have said that? Yeah.

I've heard other people say, "Oh,
I've done that with Nelson Mandela."

I think you should go with true,
but I think it's a lie.

Best answers.
It's one or the other, innit?

It definitely is. I'll give
you that.

What's it going to be?

I think it's true.

Anton Du Beke, truth or lie?

It is...

...a lie.

Told you!

I knew it was a lie.

Lee?

A complete stranger once
stopped me outside a church

and got me to be a pallbearer
at a funeral as they were a man

down and the service was
about to start.

David's team?

OK, so where was this church?

This church was in, uh...

Just outside Bristol.

And why were you there?

I was just looking around
for funerals.

What were you wearing?
I was wearing a...

Black top hat.

I was wearing a black denim jacket,

a white T-shirt.

And I can't remember what...

I don't think I had anything
on below the waist.

So, who is it that approaches
you and asks you?

Well, I don't know his name,
but he was a ruddy man and he said,

"You couldn't do me a favour,
could you?"

And I said, "What?"

And he said, "I work
for the undertakers

"and we are a pallbearer short.

"We don't want to ask one
of the mourners.

"Is there any chance you could take
left back?" Cos I play me football.

Why did they say, "We don't want to
ask one of the congregation"?

None of the family wanted to pallbear

because he died of obesity.

But isn't it...?

Did they warn the congregation

that one of the fellows is going
to be in jeans?

Right, yes.

They're all sat there, and you know
like in a play?

They went, "Ladies and gentlemen,
just so you know,

"the person playing left back on
the coffin today

"will be played by Lee Mack.

"If anybody would like a refund,

"please come to the ticket
office now."

And then I walked in.

So, you walk down the aisle
and then what happens?

I was very respectful.
I just walked in.

I did the nod that you do.

The nod that can say "I'm so sorry
for your loss" without saying words.

That one says, "I'm going up to my
room. Give it ten minutes.

"I'll see you there."

You know, well, she was a widow.

So, Lucy, what do you think?

I think it's a lie. Why?

It's the clothes. That's the only reason

you think it's a lie?

I think it's a lie for loads
of other different reasons.

OK. So, what are you going to say?

Nonsense. We'll go lie. You're
saying it's a lie? Yeah.

They think it's a lie, Lee. Was it
true or was it a lie?

It is, in fact, a lie.

David?

For one term at school,

the other boys called me Two Hats
because my mum used to make me wear

two hats to keep warm.

Lee? Sure they didn't call you
a twat?

OK. Describe the first hat.

The first hat was a
dark blue woolly hat.

Right. And it had a bobble,
but that was cut off.

Ah. Wow.

What's the second hat?

The second hat was my school cap.

Sounds like a pretty
tough school.

Did you wear shorts? Yes.

Did they make you wear two
pairs of shorts?

Yes, but that was for
a different reason.

My nickname was Porky. Aw. Yeah.

Cos you used to wear a pig on
your head?

Cos I smelt of scratchings. No.

I was a bit overweight.
Two Hats, that would be nice.

What's it going to be? I think it's
true. I think the bobble.

OK. Bob, what are you thinking?

The name Two Hats feels a little
bit 1960s East End London.

I think it's kind of New York.
"Hey, it's Davey Two Hats.

"Here he comes." Yeah.

"You will not marry that girl."

"You heard what Porky said,
Two Hats.

"You're not allowed to marry
the girl."

I think it's a lie.

It can't be true. Not David.
Not David Two Hats.

You're saying it's a lie.

David, was it a lie or was it,
in fact, the truth?

It was...

...a lie.

I thought so.

Sarah, you're next. OK.

Live on air,

I used to regularly distract
a fellow Blue Peter presenter

by pretending to be one
of the animals.

Right, Lee's team?

What era of Blue Peter were you?

Cos I want to see if can... I know.

Peter Duncan and Simon Groom.
Simon Groom. Correct.

And Goldie the dog.

Went on to become a rapper.

Your fellow presenter,
Simon Groom, Peter Duncan.

Was it one of them two that you
pretended to be an animal to?

Peter Duncan. Peter Duncan.

What animal did you pretend to be?

The dog.

Can we listen to your dog, please?

I want to hear you bark.
I didn't bark.

Oh! So, you're doing it off camera?

No, Peter Duncan would be always
doing the cooking.

Ah! Ah! OK.

I would be behind the unit.

You'd be under the kitchen unit?

No wonder they called it
Blue Peter.

Can you act out a bit of the dog
impression?

OK. Who shall I choose?

Maybe Rob.

So, if you go and stand down...
Maybe just down a step.

That's right. Get your trousers in
place and everything.

So, you're about the same
height as Peter Duncan. Oh, big guy.

Big guy.

You have to stand forward a little.
Pretend that you're making

a Mother's Day cake or something
like that, something.

And I would be... I'm baking my...

So, there you are. Good God,
woman, there's no need for this!

I'm behind the unit.

No-one can see that I'm there.
So, I'm cooking?

You're cooking. And what you do is
you basically add the sugar.

Good God!

And the whole point is... Yes?

The whole point is he had to just
keep going... He had to carry on.

...through it. Yes. Yeah. Yes.

Well, I believe you. Yeah. Yeah.
Good Lord.

Well, time to take a guess.

Tom Allen, what are you thinking?

I think that this is...

I think this is true, actually.
Morgana? Yeah, I think it's true.

Oh. I think we're going to say true.
You're saying it's true.

OK, Sarah, truth or lie?

I'm telling...

...the truth. Yeah!

Amol, you're next.

My wife still hasn't realised,
but for the last month,

the first sentence I say to her each
morning has contained the answer

to that day's Wordle.

Ooh! Now, some people may not know,
Wordle is an online word game.

A five-letter word, you have to work
out what the word is.

So, I wake up, I work out
the answer

and I make sure I get it in.

So, what can you...? That sounds
terrible!

What was today's?

So, today's was "today". Right.

That was quite an easy one, then,
I'd say.

But it also wasn't, was it?

The word wasn't "today". Was it not?

No. What was...? Oh, I see.

Well, I think we're done.

What was the word today?

Well, I don't really want to upset
anyone cos people

lose their mind if you say the...
Oh, they lose their mind?

Yes, and have I used it in that
sentence?

Ooh! Ooh!

No, I didn't because I didn't think
that far ahead.

I have just had a thought as well.

I think I might have been thinking
about yesterday's.

So, today's might have been "today"?

Yeah, but... Was it?

No.

I'll stick with my first answer.

What was today's word?

Was it "watch"?
Yes.

Yes!

Well, look, whether or not Amol
got the word wrong needn't

necessarily mean members of
the jury...

No, no, we're not ruling it out
merely because of that.

Oh, we are. We are.

I'm going to put a tenner on
the table.

This is not a gambling environment.

He's lying. We're going to say
it's a lie.

Saying it's a lie. OK.

Amol, was it true or was it a lie?

It is a lie.

Yes, it's a lie. Amol doesn't say
the Wordle answer to his wife

every morning. I've got to tell you,
I've never played Wordle in my life.

Amol, you don't have to tell
us that.

Well, that's all we've time
for on this special edition

of Would I Lie To You?
Thanks very much for watching.

Goodnight.