02x22 - Ranchelor Party

[bunniefuu]

[men] ♪ Take one down and pass it around ♪

♪ Snooki will drink all the beers on the wall ♪

[Jenni] We really need to get Mike out of post-court stress.

So I took the initiative to book a dude ranch.

[Mike] We ain't in Secaucus no more!

[Nicole] Whoa!

[Ronnie] Jenni's definitely doing what I did

when all the [bleep] went down with me and Jen.

I just tried to act like it was fine.

But you're going through a divorce.

[Jenni] Single Jenni. You wanna do dinner?

[Deena] I think Ron and Nicole are spiraling.

They might not come.

Ronnie's drinking away his problems.

♪ Hey, hey, plenty drinks at the party ♪

♪ Here I come ♪

Yeah, buddy!

Party's here!

The Situation is under construction.

This might not have been the best idea.

We're so classy now.

On the seventh day, it'll be lit.

Get the frig outta here, you crazy!

Uh, hello!

♪ Here I come ♪♪

♪♪

Oh, my God, you sleeping?

Hey. Wake the [bleep] up.

This way. Let's go eat, all right?

I like this song.

We'll come back.

How you doing?

Me and Nicole decided, you know what, everyone's going to dinner.

We're like, we don't wanna go to another dinner.

We'll just hang out in the bar, just us two.

Not a good [bleep] idea.

Come on. We gotta eat.

Hey.Come on.

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, my God!

[bleep] off! [bleep] off! [bleep] off!

I don't remember that.

[sighs] All right, let's go.

Who are you? [bleep]...

Let's follow the beef brisket.

[tray clanging]

Oh, God.

[Ronnie] So I'm trying to feed Nicole right now

'cause she's spiraling big-time.

And I'm like, you need to eat

and she's like, okay, I'll eat.

She was like...

I'm like, wow, I didn't know I was at dinner

with my daughter.

[snickering]

It's in your hair.

You can't eat it.

It's-- It's still in your hair.

Snooks? You alive?

Good?

Snooks?Nicole?

♪♪

♪ Ooh ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh... ♪

Did you get all the gifts Lauren sent?

Oh, yes, thank you so much again.

What size is CJ right now in fruit?

He is and something inches.

He's . pounds.

I think he's a coconut right now or an eggplant.

Aww, a little coconut.

Whoa. [Deena] You wanna know a fun fact?

You were once in your grandmother. Wait!

'Cause girls develop eggs while they're in the womb.

So you were technically in your grandmother.

What in the world? Isn't that crazy?

There are these theories that there are these undergr--

like these worlds... Yeah.

...within our world.

I believe it. Who's to say there's not

another Earth with like... people like us on there?

Really? Maybe they're not

throwing me in jail in that freakin' world.

[laughter]

That Situation got probation.

[laughter]

My question I have is,

is the Keto Guido in another universe not Keto?

[Deena] Definitely. Eating carbs.

Yeah. Carbs. [Angelina] Oh, [bleep].

Is the other Keto Guido in Ketosis? Exactly.

Does he even have a beard?

Does he even live with his mother? [Vinny laughs]

Does he still drive a Cobalt?

[laughter]

What if, in another world,

I wasn't your girls' favorite DJ?

[all] Ooh!

In another world, he definitely has like a hair part.

[women laughing]

[Pauly D] This alternate universe sounds scary.

There could be like a Pauly D that isn't fresh to death.

God!

In an alternate universe,

did Snooki ever find the beach?

Did the other Ronnie pull out, unlike his couch?

[all] Ohh!

Did the other Ronnie really go to Secaucus?

Is Ronnie still with Sam in the other universe?

[all exclaiming]

"Ron, stop!" Oh, [bleep].

Alternative universe Ronnie!

♪♪

Are you good?

[snoring]

You wanna go to bed?

Snooks! You wanna lay down...?

Whoo-hoo!

Hold on to me.

No! We should go on the boat.

[Ronnie] I'm not going back on that boat.

[Nicole] Let's go!

[Ronnie] Where you going? Where-- where you going?

Let's go in the water.

I'm running. I'm excited for this.

Hold on. Don't go to the-- Those people...

Hello! Come on, Ron.

Let's go in there. Can you push it?

I'm not putting you in the water right now.

Push it in the water. It's like attempted m*rder.

Whoa!

Oh, God. I think there's a spider.

Ron!

I'm going. Push me out.

Whoa!

It's floating. Look at that.

It's floating. Look.

Whoa. So pretty.

[snickering]

What's happening?

Oh, yeah, bachelor party! Yeah!

Obviously no strippers. [Deena] Yeah.

We got some thotties coming.

Oh, my God! What...? You okay?

[Ronnie] When I was going through [bleep],

everyone was so worried and they wanted to talk about it.

So why isn't everyone worried about Jenni

going through her divorce?

I put myself out here when everyone else doesn't.

They hide what they want. I have a problem with it.

♪♪

Oh, God.

I don't feel good... at all.

Yesterday was the country spiral.

[sighs] Holy [bleep] happy hair day.

I think I'm still drunk.

What the [bleep]?

I'm such a degenerate when I'm with these [bleep].

This is what happens when you leave me with Nicole all day.

And now I just have to get ready to drink again.

[Jenni] Howdy, cowboy. [Vinny] Howdy.

Yo, you look handsome in that cowboy hat, you chooch.

I know, it's just... The boots, the beard, the hat.

Oh, calm down, Vinny.

It's just like a... You're just made for this life.

I'm in alignment. Finna leave you here.

[chuckles]

I brought bachelor games with me.

I wanted to have the bachelor party up here or attempt to...

Oh, for Mike? Oh, that's a good idea.

...I wanted to keep it open-ended because

I wasn't sure how his moods were gonna be up here.

Right. But he seems to be really happy,

and it might be our last time before the wedding getting together.

Yeah. Yo, any excuse to party, I'm in.

But it's like, how to set it up like my kids' birthday parties?

Mm-hmm. Innocent, yeah.

I thought like, I don't know, by the bar,

we could decorate it, make it cute.

Games. Shirley Temples. Good foods.

I'm down.

[chuckles] I'm not doing that.

Um... [clears throat]

Yeah, that'll be fun.

♪♪

I went back in-- in the cabin.

Ronnies... he's out for the count.

Bro, he can't handle his liquor.

I remember my first time I got drunk.

Yo, I'm feeling there's fish in there today.

[Vinny] Oh, let's go back in the boat.

Yo, Mike, give us a push, my G.

A'ight. [Pauly D] Why, thank you.

Here you go, Vin.

[Pauly D] I tell Jenni that I agree with her,

that we're gonna keep it PG.

But The Situation used to be The Situation.

I mean, girls used to beg to see his abs.

♪♪

I'm not gonna let this man...

Damn!

...go out on his bachelor party and leave that

in the fate of this girl's handling it.

Why would the girls handle a bachelor party? It makes no sense to me.

So what about if it's not like a normal bachelor party

and like, you know, there's no drink?

It's gonna be more like fun games... h* sentencing.

What if we call it like a "ranchelor" party?

Ehh... That's a good idea.

Like a big cutout of Lauren.

Like instead of Pin the Tail on the Donkey,

it's like Pin Mike on Laurens.

Oh, that's cute. Oh, I love it! That's really cute.

Yeah, bro, I don't wanna like get playing [bleep]

Ring Around the Rosie all night. No!

Obviously no strippers. [Deena]Yes.

We need strippers. That's what I'm saying.

We need to make this [bleep] lit.

We all know Michael Sorrentino.

He's a good guy. He's like a saint.

But The Situation deserves a real bachelor party.

Laurens could be the stripper.

Oh, yeah, maybe she could be the stripper.

We'll be like, Mike, we got you a stripper!

We should have her drive up. As she comes out...

No, not like she has to be a stripper.

Or we're like, Mike, we got you a stripper.

And he's like, oh, God.

[Pauly D] We gotta get the strippers.

I'm gonna call this guy that hooks it up.

I spun out here a long time ago. Okay.

This guy gave me his number.

He's says, "I'm a plug for everything."

Damn, so you never know when you're gonna need a plug.

Exactly.

[phone line trilling]

Hi. Oh, hey, girl!

We kinda miss you. Same.

[Jenni] He's doing good, but he misses you. He's doing good.

[Deena] He misses you. Yeah.

Yo, what up, Slim? Yo, you come through for me

or what, my dude? [man] Yeah, what you need, Pauly?

We have this big bachelor party and, um, it's a surprise.

I wanna surprise him with some hot girls.

We were wondering if you would come up tonight and surprise him.

[Lauren] I would love to come up and see him.

[women exclaiming]

[Deena] Yes, he does. Ohh!

Yay! [Deena] Definitely.

[Jenni] Yeah, we're so excited!

Love you, Lauren. Bye now.

A'ight. Later. Peace.

Yes, sir! That's what I'm talking about. Girls!

Mike's party just got a whole lot better.

He would be mad if we let the girls do that stupid...

Hell yeah, hell yeah. ...Pin the Tail on the Donkey party.

[all] Team Ranchelor Party!

Oh, yeah, bachelor party!

Yeah! We got some thotties coming.

All right, Mike, this is your bachelor party. [sirens wailing]

This is the best day of my life. He's crying!

I always cry at bachelor parties. [laughing]

♪♪

[Ronnie] Tonight's gonna be exciting.

I'm over these flies.

They're so aggressive. [sighs]

[flies buzzing] And another bee.

Ooh, that's a vol-- that's a wasp.

That's a wasp. That's a wasp. That's a wasp.

Oh, my God! [bleep]!

[Jenni] Are you okay?

Are you [bleep] stupid?

Are you all right? How did you fall like that?

[distorted speech]

[screaming] [bleep].

You shouldn't have fell like that.

Someone die?

[Nicole] Almost broke his arm.

This [bleep] sucks.

What the...? Don't bring Guidos to the wild!

[laughing] Oh, my God. Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

[laughing] Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Can we go decorate before I get [bleep] stung by a bee?

There he is again.

Let's do it.

We have a big day today because we are planning Mike's bachelor party.

And I love decorating with wine. It's like my thing.

So I'm excited to get this party started.

I'm in charge of balloons.

I'm in charge of drinking wine.

[Deena] Ooh, party poppers.

[gasps]Ha-ha!

You just wasted it!

I really just wanted to see it.

[laughter]

♪♪

We're still playing horse now, right? Yeah.

All right. Unless you wanna play one-on-one.

We can play horse first. All right.

Let Mike... [sighs]Warm up.

So we wanna set up the surprise for Mike.

So me and Pauly have to distract him

'cause we have like a lot of setting up to do.

I get buckets.

My middle name's "Buckets." Pauly "Buckets" D.

[ball bouncing]

It's definitely not that hard to misdirect Mike.

You could literally just like put a cheeseburger

to the right and he'll just... [sniffing]

So what y'all think of this? Goliath!

[laughter] Damn!

♪♪

[Jenni] Hi, guys, I'm here!

[Nicole] Hi!

[Deena] Oh, my God, it's cool! Laurens!

[Jenni] I had to put her together. Oh, she looks hot.

Right?

I'm so excited for tonight, honestly, because even though

there's not strippers, which I don't even think Mike likes...

[Nicole] Yo, Laurens-- Oh, she's drunk.

Oh, Lauren! She's drunk. Laurens, get it together.

Oh, I cannot wait for Mike to see Laurens.

I feel like he'll be just like a kid in a candy shop.

We're gonna say, "Mike, we got you a stripper."

Then he's gonna like freak out,

and then Laurens is gonna come out.

All right, we're gonna move to the love shack.

So, being that we have an extra cabin

because Deena didn't wanna sleep in there...

I get it! It's my fault 'cause I don't wanna sleep...

It's not your fault. ...in that [bleep] cabin!

[Jenni]Shut up.

Why not make it like a love shack for Mike and Lauren?

I think it's pretty.

We're gonna decorate it and make it beautiful and romantic,

so when Laurens gets here, they can have some sexy time.

[Ronnie] They do have assless chaps! Put 'em on!

These are [bleep] and assless chaps.

You put these on, [bleep] gonna get weird in here.

[Ronnie neighing like horse]

♪ Whoa whoa whoa whoa... ♪

[Mike] What type of breads do we have? Oh, yeah!

We finished the saloon. Yeah, and we...

[Pauly D] So it's all decorated?

It looks awesome. We k*lled it. Looks nice?

We also called Laurens, and she's gonna come.

[music scratches]

Oh, God, this is gonna be bad.

About that, me and Pauly have something to tell you.

We had a surprise. Me and Pauly invited some guests.

Wait, who? It's a bachelor party.

What bachelor party you gonna have without strippers?

[Jenni] What the [bleep]?

Lauren's coming. I'm sorry, you can't have

a bachelor party without strippers.

Everybody knows that. How many?

Seven.[women] Seven?!

Oh, my God! [Pauly D] They're for Mike.

Cool. Of course, the boys have to invite strippers.

They couldn't go three days without freakin' thotties.

I think Laurens is gonna get really pissed off that they got strippers.

Mike's gonna be like... You know. He's gonna be like, no,

I'm dodging them thotties like...

Yeah. Annoying. It's annoying.

Ronnie, remember, these strippers are for Mike.

[laughter]

We are not dealing with any more hot tub [bleep] Jacuzzi,

shutting-doors dramas out here in the Adirondacks.

[men] Ooh...

I'm all nervous. Single JWoww talking [bleep].

Single JWoww. It's all fun and games...

Until someone [bleep] a horse.

♪♪

Are we going anywhere that I should...?

Can I just stay in this? I have no idea.

[Angelina] We're going to eat right now, right?

[Deena] Yeah, and then I think we're going right into the thing.

Let's roll out, Vin. Get your Keto Guido a*s over here.

I've been waiting for you all [bleep] day.

Time to go.

Lauren is on her way.

We know you're in there! We have the cabin surrounded!

[Deena] I'm caught.

[Pauly D] I wonder what's on the menu today.

[Deena] I love that Jenni's drinking beer.

That's awesome. I like a good liquid bread.

[Nicole] I [bleep] love it.

It's game time. We gotta keep a straight face.

Don't [bleep] it up. Make sure Mike eats his dinners,

but somehow maneuver him back

so everyone surprises him at the saloon.

[Mike] I think we should say grace.

This may be the last time y'all see me.

No, I'm joking. No, God forbid, Mike. Damn.

Well, guys, I'd like to thank all you guys for coming to get me.

I was not gonna come out here.

I was gonna just stay home with Lauren.

I was sort of forced to come.

But at the same time, once I got here, I was so happy.

Because there would be no bunch of people that I would be able

to enjoy myself around, except for you guys and Laurens.

These guys right here are my best friends.

We've been through so many ups and downs.

We've been through everything together.

I'm very grateful to have them by my side for this support right now.

I love every one of you guys.

Even me? Even you, Ronnie.

[Pauly D] You, not so much.

And I'm grateful that we have each other

in each other's life today, so...

Hear! Hear! Thank you guys so much. Love you guys.

We love you, too.

We wouldn't wanna do it without you, my guy.

[Nicole] I love the fact that Mike is saying "thank you" to us

for bringing him up here because, honestly,

we didn't know what was going on.

Like, he didn't wanna come

and then we had to kinda kidnap him.

And I feel like he's in a good mood right now.

But, I mean, wait till he sees Lauren.

There better be freakin' tears.

And on that note, I'm gonna get some dessert.Same.

How are we gonna get him outta here? What's the plan?

[Jenni] I'm gonna ask him if he'll walk me back

to the room 'cause I forgot my phone.

You need... Why do we need him to be...?

So you guys can go in the other room and-- and like...

And then, when we walk in, surprise, yeah.

I feel like this is perfect because Mike

is one of the most nicest, sweetest guys.

So he can't say "no."

Ooh, what did you get?

Carrot cake, peanut butter cake, and chocolate rocky road.

Will you do me a favor?What?

Will you walk back to my room with me?

I forgot my phone. I don't wanna go alone. Yeah, sure.

After you eat. I'm gonna get, um, cheesecake.Okay.

Nailed it! Right over his head.

You go with me? Yeah.

I feel naked without it. Whenever you're ready.

Okay. Let's go.

[Nicole and Pauly] Where you going?

I forgot my phone. She has to go back to the house,

so I was gonna just walk with her.

[Nicole] All right, don't get stolen.

[Pauly D] I think he can see something's up.

Nah, he don't know. I think he thinks something's up,

but he'll never think of what we got planned, yeah.

The best part of this thing is like,

it's almost like a prank 'cause he has no idea.

Wanna call it an early night? Hell yeah.

All right, let's go.

Can't wait to see the look on his face when he sees the strippers.

Yas! We did it! Do you like it?

[Ronnie] You guys like this?

Whoa! Oh, look at Lauren.

Oh, Lauren's here! What's up, girl? Hi, Lauren!

[Pauly D] This is cool. [Deena] Right?

Found it. Cool.

[Jenni] Here's how I know Mike doesn't know

what's in store for him-- by his outfit.

If Mike had an inkling, he'd dress up a bit.

He'd put pants on.

No. Oversized shorts, oversized hoodie.

I'm like, this mother[bleep] is clueless!

Can't wait to get back to Laurens and Mosey.Mmm...

[Deena] They're coming!

Remember, he doesn't know Laurens is coming.

What up?! Are we allowed to go in?

Come in, come in. [cheering]

Going in... What's happening in there?

I don't know. You go in.

[all] Surprise!

[Vinny] Come in, come in. [cheering]

What are they doing?

[all] Surprise!

[laughter]

Oh, didn't expect that.

I love you, my guy. [men] Hey!

[siren wailing]

[Ronnie] Mike's had a rough couple of days

and going through his own motions.

So I think that him walking in, seeing that we throw him

a "ranchelor" party, it put him in good spirits.

Mike, welcome to the same vag*na forever. Yas!

And it's good to see that he's actually

genuinely, like, surprised and happy.

All right, guys! Game time, b*tches!

[Jenni] Pin the stitch on the b*tch.

You gotta spin Mike around ten times first.

Seven, eight... Eight's good, eight.

Now you go. There you go.

There you go. Right in front of you. Go!

Dude, I can't believe my roommates

pulled off something like this.

[Pauly D] Right there! Right there! Right there! Right there!

Hey, Mike gave Laurens head. [laughter]

These guys are the best and I love them to death.

You wanna go a little low. [laughing]

[cheering]

You cheated. [laughing]

No one... no one's mouth goes there except mine!

[Deena] You know, seeing Mike smiling and laughing, playing the game,

it just makes me happy 'cause I feel like we did good.

So, basically, you're gonna take the card

and you're gonna put it on your head.

And then, whoever has the card has to guess what it is.

Do you wanna be the guesser?

Yeah. Or do you wanna be-- Okay.

Right there, you gotta look at Vinny.

[Jenni] It was a club that you sleep in.

[Ronnie] B.E.D.! Oh, sorry.

d*ck![laughter]

The worst!

[pounding on table]

Beat the Beat Up! [cheering]

[Pauly D] First, we start off banging the ground

as the beat builds, 'cause that beat's hitting us,

so we're fighting back.

It's like we beat up that beat.

A club! Karma!

[cheering]

♪♪

Okay. How do we do this one? This is hard.

[Nicole] Just point at Ron. This, look it.

Black eye. No, just say it.

Secaucus! [laughing]

That's funny. Mike, second word.

[Angelina laughing]

Oh, the I.F.F.! Yes, he got it!

[cheering]

I'm [bleep].

Ronnie's new nickname now is I.F.F.

I.F.F. is the I'm [bleep] Foundation.

He's a client and the president.

Did you think this is lame?

No, not at all! I would've felt bad

if there were strippers here.

Yeah, we don't wanna do that.

To respect the wife, that's all. Yeah, exactly.

And like where the [bleep]

would we get strippers out here?

We wouldn't do that, my dude. [giggling]

And then we didn't wanna bring any strippers around Ronnie, 'cause you know how he gets.

[Vinny laughing]

[Ronnie] It's like nobody else has their own lives.

It's always "Ronnie's life."

And I just get agitated because the wanna make my life

the butt of the joke, you know, and it's starting to become,

like, all right, well, like, enough is enough.

[Nicole] Oh, my God. Mike wants to go to bed

because he's missing Laurens, obviously,

and he really wanted her to be here.

Now he's like, "Cool, they didn't invite Laurens,"

but we did, so you're not going anywhere.

♪♪

♪ Wind it up, wind it up, wind it up ♪

♪ Wind it up ♪

♪♪

Best man's duties.

I don't use this word lightly, but we're heroes.

I didn't wanna say it either. Like, I don't wanna say the "H" word,

but, hey, [bleep], we're heroes. We're heroes.

Facts.Oh, God!

[Jenni] I do not want Laurens upset with me

because the boys ordered strippers.

[Pauly D] I love bachelor parties this time of year.

So we're just gonna do an overall plan.

We'll get the strippers to come in first,

and then we gotta get 'em out of here before Lauren shows up.

[woman] I'm looking for Pauly D.

Uh... Tell him the party's here.

Okay, if I can just have you just wait one moment,

let me, uh, see if I can find him real quick, all right?

Sure, sounds good.

♪♪

I got some guests you were looking for.

♪♪

[Vinny] He's gonna hate this.

[Scott] All the more reason to do it then.

Yeah, exactly! Hello.

[women] Hi!

Hi, you guys, how you doing? Hi, Vinny.

Bianca. Nice to meet you.

How you doing? Pauly.

Thanks for coming. Appreciate it.

Thank you so much. Absolutely. Our pleasure.

We had to make it lit. We know what to do.

Yeah.

Don't make us tell you how to... do it. [laughter]

[Vinny] The worst thing that could happen now is Mike

is having such a good time and we ruin it by putting

a bunch of random vag*na in his face.

Come with us and we'll show you. Come with us right now.

But... we'll see what happens. That's all I can say.

All right. Thank you!

I'd smash. [laughing] Hell, yeah!

Everyone is helping cover the strippers' entrance

by playing with the chair so Mike can't see

these girls walk in, and, um, we want him to be surprised.

Hey, JWoww to the main stage.

All right, Mike, well, this is your bachelor party,

and we're the best men, so here's the entertainment for tonight.

[Vinny] Mike, we got a surprise for you!

Yeah, buddy! It's a party right now.

Surprise! We got you.

Oh, damn! Uh-oh. We got a situation.

Happy Bachelor Party, Mike! This is the best day of my life.

[Deena] Oh, my God!

You're cheating!

[Ronnie]Ohh! Oh, damn!

Oh, hell no! Laurens would not like this.

[Deena] Oh, my God!

♪♪ This isn't us!

I have never seen Mike this nervous around strippers.

[Pauly D] Oh, my God!

He definitely looks petrified.

♪♪

[laughter]

This isn't us! We didn't do this.

The strippers look amazing, but they're literally

twerking their vaginas in Mike's face.

Oh, my God, we're gonna ruin this kid's life right now.

Live your best life! Live your best life!

[Vinny]Slap it!

Help! Save me!

We didn't do this. All the boys.

Oh, my God, Laurens is gonna k*ll me.

[laughter]

[distorted voice] Are you kidding me?

This is not safe!

No, no, you're safe.

I will not dishonor my queen.

[Ronnie] Oh, [bleep], he got a little hot!

Oh, you look scared, Mike.

[Mike] At this particular point, I've had enough.

[Deena] Don't look!

I gotta pull the eject button and I gotta get out.

[laughter] Whoo! That was lit!

The best part of this, like, Mike has no idea.

We can have the strippers make Mike all uncomfortable,

and then be like, "Hold up one more second.

We got one more stripper for you," and then bring out Laurens.

So just say, "You got one more surprise?"

Put him on the chair?

Mike is so shook right now.

One more surprise for you, hold up.

What now? No more surprises, guys.

And definitely no more strippers.

[Vinny] You thought that was something?

I'm so nervous. He's so sad in there.

He wants to see you so bad.

Give it a second. Mike, just wait.

[Angelina] She's so hot, it's not even funny.

Surrender! Surrender!

You can take the blindfold off on three.

Sit on his lap.One...

Sit on his lap, sit on his lap.

Two... three! Take it off!

Give it a second. Mike, just wait.

[Angelina] She's so hot, it's not even funny.

Surrender! Surrender!

You can take the blindfold off on three.

Sit on his lap.One...

Sit on his lap, sit on his lap.

Two... three! Take it off!

♪♪

[all cheering]

[Pauly D] Congrats, Mike!

[Jenni] Aww! [Ronnie] I told you!

He's crying, he's crying, he's crying.

He's crying.

You crying?

[Mike] Tonight's been a roller coaster of emotions.

But this is the best surprise ever.

[Pauly D] I'm not crying! You're crying!

I always cry at bachelor parties! [laughing]

[Mike] When Laurens is around,

I feel like the universe is whole again.

And then-- You're sweating.

Yeah, 'cause I was having anxieties. [Lauren laughing]

Oh, my God, success. Successful dude ranch.

♪ Lift me up ♪

[Pauly D] Cabs are here! Thank you so much.

It was so nice to meet you. Thank you.

Thank you. You k*lled it.

[Vinny] It's hard to say goodbye to strippers.

I hate to see 'em leave. I mean, thanks for coming.

Love to see 'em walk away,

but, honestly, this isn't goodbye.

This is just "See you in my DMs."

Aww, can they come back? No, no!

Have love. Enjoy that [bleep]. Enjoy that love.

Where's Moses? He's home!

I thought he was in the car outside! [laughing]

He's happy.

Stop.

[Jenni] We'll have another Patrón.

I would love for me and Jenni to have a moment of, like,

where I can talk to her, and, like,

maybe have her confide in me.

All right.

Every time I try to talk to her, she goes silent.

What's going on with you and Roger?

And you just file for divorce and, like, you're,

"Oh, I'm just fine. Let's go to a dude ranch and--"

No, it just-- It doesn't [bleep] make sense.

[Ronnie] You just want transparency.

Like, let's look at the other people

that are not being transparent.

[Angelina] All right, guys, let's go to the campfire.

I don't wanna sit around a campfire

and listen to bull[bleep].

We are family. We're roommates. We bounce off each other.

We're here to support each other.

When I was going through [bleep],

everyone was so worried and they wanted to talk about it.

So why isn't everyone

worried about Jenni going through a divorce?

I'm k*lling it! I'm k*lling it!

Spiral squad.

I wanna sit away from all three of them right now.

It's like, how are you going through a rough time

and you don't wanna confide in nobody?

What the [bleep]? I'm done. I'm over it.

[Deena] Whoo.

Why you looking at me? I didn't say one word.

And don't [bleep] say [bleep].

[Nicole] Who you yelling at?

'Cause it ain't happening tonight.

So then stop looking at me and making threats.

Don't look like an a*s[bleep]. You psycho.

So, what do you think about it, this place, Lauren?

I'm not a big camping person. [Deena]Same.

But I like the fire. [laughing]Same!

And I like him, so it's--

[Nicole] You're happy to be here. Yeah!

[Pauly D] ♪ Look what Vinny got ♪

Whoop-whoop! S'mores! Y'all want s'more?

Oh, the s'mores train coming on through.

[Vinny] Ron, you want? No, I'm good.

Thank you, sir.

[Angelina] Nicole, you wanna make s'mores?

I mi-- I miss the strippers.

[Angelina and Vinny] Same.

They were hot. Yup.

I liked their-- I like their boobies.

They were really nice. Mmm, smells good.

Yo, Vinny "s'mores" when he sleeps when he's drunk.

[laughter]

Do you want me to hold yours in the fire?

[Deena, chuckling] I don't think--

You're not reaching, Nicole.

[Nicole laughing]

Nicole's like, "Why's my marshmallow not toasting?"

[bleep] off.

This is the life. Campfires. S'mores.

Angelina, this is what family's like.

[scattered chuckling] [Mike] Oh, damn. Oh, damn!

I have a very good family, actually.

Not that kind of family. What kind of family then?

The family that you left, season one.

[Mike] Oh, damn! Oh, damn.

[laughter] And two.

Who I was nine years ago doesn't define who I am today.

Oh, damn.

[bleep], straight the [bleep] up.

I'm a totally different person.

Why are you looking at me? I didn't say one word.

And don't [bleep] say [bleep].

[Nicole] Who are you yelling at?

'Cause it ain't happening tonight.

Angelina is... delusional.

Every one around this campfire is starting with you.

I didn't say one word. I'm happy.

As long as you're not saying anything.

So then stop looking at me and making threats.

All right, good, I won't say anything. I didn't say one word to you.

I haven't spoken to Angelina in a few days, so, of course,

Angelina is, like, backed up with [bleep] talking.

Don't look like an a*s[bleep] talking [bleep].

Psycho, I haven't said one word to you.

All right, good, so don't talk [bleep] then, thanks.

So, she's gonna start with me to get out

all the [bleep] talking that she hasn't done

over this whole trip, 'cause this girl cannot resist

talking [bleep] to me.

Vinny, [bleep] a*s[bleep].

Awkward!

That's what I mean when I say family.

You guys, listen, whoever planned this surprise--

whoever planned this surprise, touché.

You're welcome! You all got me.

[Jenni] We also got you guys a cabin.

Oh, for real? Word?

[Nicole] No, it's very sexual. It's very nice.

Ooh! Yeah, and it's very romantical.

Ooh! Thank you, guys. Thank you!

All right, guys, go. Toodles! Go do sex.

All right. Good night, guys!

[Deena and Nicole] Make babies! [Pauly D] Send us videos!

Some alone time is definitely needed right now.

Your cabin awaits, my darling.

[chuckling] Darling!

Uh, uh, oh, wow.

What is that?! Look at this!

The flowers are cute. It smells so nice in here, too.

But what-- What is this? Was this on a real horse?

This right here... Honey.

These guys continue to surprise me. Oh, my God.

You're gonna... save a horse, ride a cowboy.

It's a little big. [chuckles]

Okay, I'm gonna go shower. Go shower, honeys.

Love you. Love you.

All right, I'm gonna head to bed.

Are you tired, Jenni? I'm tired, and I have to pack.

I am leaving very late at night for Greyson's appointment,

so I won't see you [bleep] in the morning.

[Pauly D] Good night, gals. Safe travels.

Good night.

Do you like Vinny, Angelina?

In what sense? Just as, like, a person.

I wish Vinny would come back down

from [bleep] his ego and be a [bleep] human.

Same. That's exactly how I feel.

My favorite thing to do in the whole entire world

is instigating and egging on

the whole Angelina and Vinny beef, I love it.

I think he's jealous of you, Angelinas.

I-I don't know. I think his ego--

I think he needs some humble pie.

Humble pie, yes. I was telling him that earlier.

I don't know why he acts like that.

Ask your [bleep] husband that question.

I don't know. Trust me.

I'm gonna have a long talk with him after this.

You should. Straight up.

Maybe he's unhappy with himself and he's an insecure person.

Ooh, you nailed it. I was gonna say that too.

Eventually, that smirk's

gonna be [bleep] slapped off his face.

Not by me. Oh!

But just by life.Whoa.

He knows you're right. That's why he shut up.

But at the end of the day,

I'm happy with who I am as a person. Good for you.

And that's all that [bleep] matters at the end-- That's all that [bleep] matters.

Shut up. [Pauly laughing]

At this point, it is what it is.

I'm literally sitting at this campfire not saying a word.

I'm not looking Angelina's way.

I don't ever look Angelina's way.

Yet she is just like going on and on.

I wish he would actually be somebody

to tell something to somebody's face for once.

Yeah, like, for once.

And I'm not talking, and the more I'm not talking,

the more she keeps going. It's like feeding her.

I think he should take down his ego a little bit.

Right, Ron? Yep.

[Pauly and Vinny laughing]

[Vinny] So, I don't know what to do.

I'm just, like, looking at the stars.

Like, looking for [bleep] Jupiter.

No, Vinny, I don't have a problem with him.

I just think that he-- he just talks about me for now reason.

He has a problem with you, but...

Well, eventually... We're all gonna die.

...it does happen. Eventually, we're all gonna die.

No, eventually I'll be a nurse, and he'll

just be like, "You're [bleep] gross."

And it's like, no, but I'm actually a nurse.

What if you needed stitches and you have to go see this woman?

What would you do? Well, then he's screwed.

[Vinny and Pauly laughing]

[Vinny] That's my cue to go to sleep.

That's my cue just to jump off a bridge, honestly.

[Angelina] Bye! [Pauly D laughing]

Did you see his mouth? I think I upset my husband.

[Pauly laughing, coughing]

Whew! My stomach hurt. [laughing continues]

I'm glad I was able to say that [bleep] to Vinny's face.

I've known Vinny for so long,

and he acts like he never knew me,

and now he walks around Pauly like he's the [bleep],

and it's like, no, bro. It ain't happening with me.

She's probably still talking to herself right now.

Right now still talking [bleep].

Wait, wait, wait. Shh!

You-- you can hear her right now talking about me.

[Angelina] To his eating habits, the way he just looks at me.

It's the way he talks about me.

It's just-- It's just-- It's enough. a*s[bleep].

Tomorrow, like, the sun's gonna come up,

she's still gonna be out there just talking.

Just talking [bleep]. Talking [bleep] to the fire.

I've listened to this over and over, and it's getting old.

[Ron yawning] And I need to be accepted for who I am.

I accept you. Thank you.

That's why I like you as a person,

'cause you actually accept me. Some of them don't.

[grunts] You know?

It's just annoying.

How do you feel? Eh.

[Angelina sighs]

Ronnie is being strangely quiet.

You know, I think something's going on with him.

I hope he's okay. I hope he's all right.

I really-- I'm nervous about Ron right now.

I don't know. I'm just-- phht-- spent.

I'm just at a point where it's a lot of stuff

that's just really just starting to bother me.

I give a [bleep], but I don't give a [bleep].

With the divorce thing, right? That's crazy.

We all know stuff about each other,

and it just seems like everyone just wants to put

my [bleep] out there, but at the same time

ignore Jenni and what she's going through out of respect.

If I was [bleep] going through a divorce

or just having a problem, like, I would want you guys to know.

I would just be like, "Listen, I need therapy."

It just shows that there's a lack of respect

that they have for me and my life,

because when [bleep] was going on with me and Jen,

everyone wanted to talk about it.

It was like I was their entertainment.

When I put myself out here and everybody else doesn't,

they hide what they what.

I have a [bleep] problem with it. Like...

♪ I got money, making change ♪

It's cold as [bleep] tonight.

[yawning]

You gonna go to sleep, Ron? No.

After your cigarette? Are you gonna go in there? No.

♪ I'll be through the entrance ♪ ♪ Out front ♪

♪♪

[Angelina] Jenni.

Where's she going? She's leaving?

Yeah, she's gotta go to an appointment with Greyson.

[sniffs] Bye.

Good night. At the end of the day,

that's a big, fat elephant in the room.

'Cause she's [bleep] fake as [bleep].

You're [bleep] fake about your life.

You're fake about everyone else's life,

and it's just you're [bleep] fake.

I'd be the first one if I was going

through a divorce to talk about it.

First one, man. I'd be like,

"I need help, man. I need [bleep]--"

I tried to talk to her earlier at the bar.

I tried that literally without you guys.

Pull her aside, be like, "Yo, how are you?

How are you doing with it?"

And she just, "Oh, we don't talk about that here,

don't talk about that."

And I was like, "So when do we talk about it?"

"Oh, just later." Like... okay.

Like, I'd rather you talk about it whether it's good or bad.

And then-- At least I know you feel something.

Yeah, yeah. Yo-- you acting like you feel nothing?

That doesn't work for nobody ever.

Like, when me and Jen fight, and she acts like...

That makes me more mad.

You know? Be real.

[Ronnie] I'm not trying to be disrespectful,

but Jenni wants to brush it under the rug

and make believe it doesn't exist.

Stop acting like you're not hurting.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying, yeah.

Stop acting like you're not hurting.

But she is hurting. There's no way that... that this man is--

I know what he's going through to be with somebody

that's so cold and shows no emotion,

and is just so--

And all you do is give and give and give.

Like, it hurts.

That's always, like, other people's problems

and, like, nobody wants to address it,

but, like, you have to address everything.

You know what I mean?Mm-hmm.

Jenni just acts like everything in her life

is [bleep] peaches and gravy and she just wants

to judge everyone else and their relationship

and tell Angelina, "This is what you should say,

what you shouldn't say. And, Ronnie, this is what

you should do, and like, this is what--"

Like, b*tch, you ain't perfect.

How do you deal with someone so [bleep] fake

and not in touch with their emotions and not communicative?

And like you-- It's-- I get it.

That's why me and Roger are so close,

'cause we're dealing with the same person,

where it's like we're not-- we're not asking for much.

We're just asking for real life emotion.

It's the worst thing ever to be with somebody

and not know how they feel. It's terrible.

Like, you might as well [bleep] be with a [bleep] corpse.

[Angelina] I feel like a lot goes on in Ron's head.

I feel like he's going through a lot,

him and baby mama, and he's gotta fix things

right now in his relationship.

This-- this [bleep] doesn't make me happy

putting myself in such a vulnerable position,

and my [bleep] was everywhere with Jen.

That was my fault 'cause I did the [bleep] Instagram thing,

and it was dragged on. And you know what?

It might break us, and it might make us stronger,

but at least I know I was [bleep] real.

Just don't-- don't beat yourself up

about any of the [bleep] that's gonna happen in the future.

It is what it is.

I'm just [bleep] worn out.

Don't worry about [bleep], Ron.No, no.

Don't let [bleep] get you upset.

[yawning] Oh, let me get up.

You done? Tired? Yeah, I'm tired.

We definitely all are going through our own stuff,

and it's real life [bleep], you know?

And it's like we're not kids anymore, you know?

So it's like I guess we do tread lightly sometimes,

but I feel like people don't tread lightly when it comes to me.

All right, good night, Ron. Good night.

It's all the [bleep] bad memories

that I had to go through is a joke to everybody else.

I got jumped last night.

Where? Secaucus.

In Secaucus? [laughter]

Is Jen coming?

Tonight? Yeah, she's gonna come tonight.

Are we taking her phone and her car? [laughing]

Vinny, Ronnie's pregnant! He knocked up Jen again.

Oh, my God! Bro, pull the [bleep] out.

What the [bleep] is wrong with you?

[laughter]

[Ronnie] Like that's no t real friendship,

and I know what real friends are.

[thunder rumbling]

♪ Can you hear thunder? ♪

♪ Listen to the sound of rapture ♪

♪ Oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh ♪

♪ Whoa whoa whoa ♪