04x25 - The SS Side Piece

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

- What was nosy [bleep] Ms. Peabody Lauren

asking you, last night?

- To be honest, I don't even remember.

I was so [bleep]-up.

- Oh, no. You probably answering [bleep] dumb [bleep].

- I think we should throw, like, a birthday party

for Jenni, since we're all together.

- Cool.

- What are we gonna get Jenni for her birthday, bro?

- Maybe some sort of, like,

talent show for her, as a gift to her.

- And this is a present for Jenni?

- Yeah. It's a present for her. She'll love it.

- Are you here? - I think I'm pulling in.

- Hey, pardners. - Are you insane?

- We gotta smuggle you. - Yeah.

I literally--I'm gonna throw up, but I need a mimosa.

Nobody has no idea I'm here?

both: No. - They're gonna be surprised.

[upbeat music]

- Yeah, buddy!

- The Situation is under construction.

- This might not have been the best idea.

- We're so classy now.

- On the seventh day, it'll be lit.

- Get the frig out of here, you crazy!

- Um, hello?

♪ ♪

[plucky upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- [laughs]

♪ ♪

- Whoa! - What the hell is this?

- So we want to start celebrating

your birthday today, and...

- Whoo-hoo! - Today is your first surprise.

- Happy birthday! all: Ahh!

- Whoo!

- I am dying right now. I'll be honest.

Like, I didn't think I'd see Nicole here.

Like, it's...it's really nice.

all: Yay! - Nicole's here.

It's Jenni's friggin' birthday. Time to start celebrating.

Everyone's popping champagne. Everybody's happy, laughing.

- Jenni's crying! - And I'm just so happy,

'cause this is exactly what we wanted.

We were hoping you were gonna cry.

I made it happen. [laughs]

- That's Jenni's best friend. - Yeah.

- She came for her birthday breakfast.

- She used to hang out with us all the time.

- Yeah. - Then she quit.

- Then she came back, for Angelina's lunch.

- [laughs] - You guys are so bad.

- Welcome to the Pocono Mountains!

- How long are you staying?

- I'm staying the night, so we can cuddle.

- Yay. - Oh, my God. It's happening.

- I know. Sitting at the table right now,

I feel like there's a lot of people.

Like, last time, it was just, like, us.

But now, like, we have all the spouses and everyone.

There's like people here.

- Speech. Speech. Speech. - All right, guys.

I'm all in my feels right now,

because I'm looking at this table right now,

and this family has gotten bigger.

Our sister is back. It is JWOWW's birthday.

JWOWW and Zack have gotten engaged,

and we're celebrating two babymoons,

and Vinny is still single.

[laughter]

Living our best life. To family. I love you guys.

- Who's better than us? - Yay!

- Yes. - Salud.

Salud. - Happy birthday.

- It seems like we have another wedding

to plan shortly, in the future.

- I can't wait for this. - I know.

- I can officiate. - Yeah.

- Angelina wants to do the speech to that one she said.

- That's fine. - That's fine?

- Jenni won't flip out. - Ooh.

all: Ooh!

- It depends on what's in it though.

- Ooh-h*-h*.

- You never know.

You never know, girl. - Dramars.

- It's funny, because tonight, at Jenni's birthday,

I'm going to give her a real speech.

Can I give her a speech? [both gasp]

- Wait a second. This could be hysterical.

- Kind of like what she did to me.

- It should be fine.

- Ooh, she said it should be fine.

You ruined my life for a year. - Ooh.

[laughter]

- What a nice breakfast.

- This is so sweet.

- So sweet. - Just like old times.

- Yes, and we have a very fun-packed day today.

- Yeah. We have some fun things planned.

That's all I'm gonna say. So Nicole's here.

The meatball surprise is done,

but I have things planned for Jenni this entire day.

- All right. Let's go. - Let's go, guys.

- Yo, there!

- We have to keep this ride going.

- Come on, come on, come on.

- Babe, stop putting stickers on stuff.

- We got a big squad now.

We rolling deep with this squad, dude.

- Nicole, Angelina and Chris are fighting over

taking a [bleep] this morning. - Really?

- He goes eight times a day, Nicole.

- Yeah. I think taking a [bleep], like,

trumps doing your makeup though,

so, like, you couldn't move and go to another mirror.

- No. Not in that-- Not in this room.

- He can't [bleep] on the floor.

- Oh, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren.

- He can go [bleep] in their room.

- What?

- She always has something snarky to say.

- Oh, my God.

And I still don't know what she said

at the significant other dinner.

What was Chris saying? - I asked him some things.

- Those hard questions?

It just never ends.

- I got this discussion going again.

- It's fun while you're doing it, but then...

- Oh, shut up, Vinny. - The next--

- [bleep] it. Let's rage. - Shut the [bleep] up.

- Shut up, [bleep].

- Nicole... - I am so sick and tired...

- Welcome back. - Of hearing your p*ssy mouth.

- Welcome back. - What are you, the gangster?

- No. She's a wank-ster.

[laughter]

[energetic music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God. We're all going in at once?

We're definitely not gonna fit.

- Nicole, sit on my lap. - Yeah.

Let the short people be in the front.

- Oh, this is a lot.

- I want to come, too, you know?

- "Happy birthday, Jenni," ready?

all: One. Two. Three.

Happy birthday, Jenni!

- Aw. - Happy birthday.

- Thanks. - We got it. Good job, guys.

- Yeah. - Roomies only, you guys.

Roomies only.

- All right. Roomies only. Angelina, get out.

- Eff off.

- If you guys can go out there, please?

- Oh, yeah. - [bleep] it.

- We're the misfits. - I got your boy.

We gotta kick off the show. - The surprise.

- [bleep] them. [bleep] them. [laughter]

- Well, they don't need us anymore.

- Fam's back.

- Wait. The fam's back, or fam's back?

- Family's back. - Family's back.

- We should do one in the hallway right now.

Professional. - One. Two. Three.

all: The family's back! - You grabbed my tit.

- I missed it.

- Yo, they just kicked us out, man.

- Yeah. Like, what the hell? - New Jersey [bleep].

- Confessionals with the rejects.

- Yeah! - Yay!

- Right here, boo-boo. - This our room?

- This is our room. - I love you, Ron.

- Nicole's moving in. - So I'm in here?

- You're in this bed.

We're in that bed, but they're--

- Nicole's staying here? - Nicole's staying here.

- Do you have a problem? - No.

- Know you guys just got engaged, but step aside, Zack.

I'm moving in. b*tch is still here.

Can we get Jenni wasted?

It's her birthday celebration today.

- Yeah. I guess so.

- Have you ever even seen me wasted?

- Stop.

- Wow. I drank a lot of tequila.

[thud]

♪ ♪

- [snorts] - Yes?

- Babe, come on.

- I'm gonna go over to Vinny's room really quick.

- What? For what, the speech?

- Yeah.

On one side of me, I'm like,

"This could start some drama between Jenni and I."

On the other side of things, I'm like, "Eh, [bleep] it."

This girl gave me a terrible speech at my wedding.

What should I say in the speech?

Give me some pointers. - See what Vinny says.

I don't want to tell you something, and then you [bleep]

yell at me for giving the wrong information.

- I hate that I have to ask Vinny for anything,

but I definitely need help,

because I don't want to go up there

and, like, totally [bleep] b*mb like they did.

all: Boo! - Oh!

- It's a joke.

- Calm down, Staten Island.

- It's joking. Joking.

- All right. See you later.

- All right. Bye.

I can [bleep] in peace.

- ♪ Gotta train when you rest, bless! ♪

♪ I am a secret they kept ♪

- [muttering] Or as I like to call them,

jerk chicken parmesan.

I am feeling a little bit of pressure

of putting on a whole talent show for Jenni's party.

Look, I'm a showman.

You know, when I do things--when

I hit a stage, like, I want to be prepared.

I want to do it right. I have to perform my talents.

I want to, you know, of course,

make everybody laugh.

I'm stressed.

[knocking]

- Vinny? - Who is that?

- Ang. It's me.

- Who said you could come in here?

- I'm allowed to come in here. Can you help me with a speech?

Like, can you do a speech with me?

'Cause I can't do it alone.

- Right now, I'm writing my own material.

- No, no, no, no.

- I'm kind of--

- I'm gonna take my notepad out right now.

- I'm kind of a genius. - No. [bleep] you.

- Angelina leaves you no choice.

Can you get out of my bed? - No.

- There's another bed right there.

- I don't care. I'm sitting on yours.

- She's just like a chihuahua that won't stop.

Okay, so if I help you with this, will you go away?

- Yes. - So I'm literally just, like,

trying to help Angelina,

so that I can kick her out of the room.

Like, what do you have, so far?

- [sighs] Nothing. - Nothing, at all?

- No! I can't [bleep] write anything.

- You need to start strong. You need to start with a joke.

- Okay, so I'm just gonna walk up there with a microphone

and just be like, "Hey, you [bleep] assholes?"

- Um... There is an art

to comedy speech writing.

- Jenni, we all know you found your [bleep] man

at a [bleep] flea market.

[laughs] - Wow.

No. Now you're getting dark. - I'm joking.

- Now you're gonna offend. - All right. All right.

- Angelina is not really, like,

eloquent or, like, smooth with it.

- Can we say something about Zack?

- Yeah, um...

And then you also have to say funny stuff, so she's [bleep].

- Okay, so you said, "Jenni, you said you were the dump

"to my--I was a dump to your--no.

"I was the dump to the island.

To Staten Island. To her island."

- But I don't want it to b*mb so bad

that it causes another year of drama.

- Jenni, you said that I was the dump to your island,

but what? [bleep].

- This is gonna be a disaster.

- [bleep]. This is so hard. There's so many things.

- Wait. Just shut up for a second.

- I'm [bleep] brainstorming and talking out loud.

- Well, brainstorm in your head, for a second.

- I can't.

- Clearly, the lake is frozen,

but we could do a fun,

competitive boat-building competition.

[rock music]

- Go! - Go!

- Saffabears! - Side Piece!

- Whoo! - These two are ruthless.

- Saffabears!

- Ahh! - [bleep]!

- I want to get a little drunk, and then...

- Ooh. - I'm coming for you.

- Oh, [bleep]. - But happy birthday, for now.

all: Ooh!

- Sounds like she's coming for you.

I'm just saying, but what do I know?

I just play the music.

[rap music]

- ♪ Smoke ain't free but there's pro in me ♪

♪ Open wide for these pork and beans ♪

♪ But I hope you hungry ♪

- [sighs]

Well, we all-we all know- we all know

that we--this family loves speeches.

- No. Shut up.

- That was an interesting breakfast.

- Yeah. - It was...

- JWOWW cried. - Unexpected.

- Yeah. - Family's back.

♪ ♪

- Hello. I'm so happy to see you.

Happy to meet ya.

Happy to meet you.

I just want to know all about you and what's going on,

'cause I have to approve, so-- - [laughs]

- Ask me whatever you want to ask me.

- How did you guys meet, and, like,

why do you like Ronnie, and everything?

- Any predictions for Ronnie and Saffabears?

- He seems happy, and this is what he wants.

- Facts. - I don't know her yet, so.

- Yeah same. - So why do you like Ron?

- He just, like, loves me differently

than I have ever been loved before,

and he's really caring.

He reminds me a lot of my dad. - Ew.

- I know it's kind of weird, like a Sigmund Freud thing.

- No, no. They say that though. What nationality are you?

- Italian and Puerto Rican. - She's like me.

- Oh, my God! - Yeah.

- You guys are, like, the same person.

- I sat down, and I'm like, "What are you?"

I was like, "You're, like, Colombian?" She's like no...

- He thought I was from Miami. - "I'm Italian

and Puerto Rican." I looked at her...

- Same. - And I was like, "Uh-oh."

I was like, "Uh-oh."

- I mean this could be good or bad.

- Jenni, you once told me to stay and get your a*s beat.

- All right, just-- - But now, by the looks of it,

you don't really have an a*s to [bleep].

- Just--you're so stupid.

[laughter]

- Wait. Why? That's perfect, no?

- No. There's no punchline. - This is gonna be so hard.

- See? It's harder than it looks, right?

I just think it's funny that, you know, after Mike's wedding,

everybody was like, "Vinny is the worst speech writer ever."

All I want in life is somebody to look at me

the way Mike looks at a food menu.

- Oh, my God. - I'm here all night.

Well, Mike, this is the--

- Speech. Speech. Speech. - [clears throat]

This is the premiere to the-- - I'm embarrassed.

- Guys. - I'm embarrassed.

- Yep. - Okay.

[laughter]

Speaking of dumps--[bleep] I forgot the punchline.

[laughter]

- Oh, my God! Ah!

- But now, it's like how come everyone's coming to me to ask

for help about writing speeches?

You can say her new fiancé is here.

It's so nice to hang out with , your next ex-husband.

- Oh.

- We had a great time in Vegas.

- All of a sudden, I just feel this big hand

just, like, right on me.

Oh, my God.

- Happy birthday. Zack, let's get her wasted.

I want her to show her t*ts.

- No. - I'm here to rally.

I'm here to get everyone drunk who wants to drink...

- Please do. - And have fun.

It's your birthday celebration.

- We all remember your speech at my wedding.

Ooh, did you--not b*mb. What's that word again?

- I think you can say b*mb. Make it like an old w*r.

- Okay. Jenni, we all remember your speech at my wedding,

and, oof, I haven't seen bombing

that bad since World w*r II.

[laughter]

I'm hilarious. Jenni, I'm coming for you.

I love this. This is gonna be great.

- ♪ I feel good ♪

♪ I feel, feel, feel, feel good ♪

[upbeat music]

- Hey, guys. - Hi.

- Hi. - Sorry.

- on the rocks. Oh!

- Uh-oh. - The happy couple's here.

- Can we get a couple golds? - Oh, whoa.

- Whoa. - You guys feeling it?

- Did you guys get it in? - Yeah, I did.

- Not with each other. - Just not--

[laughter]

- You guys don't have sex?

[tense music]

- Ooh, they don't have sex.

- No. We just haven't, in a little bit.

We have a little hiccup, in our relationship.

- I get it. - What's the reason?

- Do we have to talk about our sex life all the time?

- It's not a bad thing. - [laughing]

- Come on, Lauren.

I've said it a million times that I want to go

to therapy first before having sex with my husband again.

Get out of my business. Where are we going?

- So I figure, since we're all getting along so well,

we could do, like, a group activity.

Party planning is my specialty,

so I've planned an amazing event

the roomies are going to love. I was thinking we could do,

like, Jenni's birthday, like, on a yacht.

all: Yeah! - Wow.

- The last time, Miami, was so much fun.

- I can fly, Jack. Tell me you'll never let go.

- Where? - Clearly, the lake is frozen.

- Yeah. It's winter. - Oh, God.

- But we could do a fun

competitive boat-building competition.

[dramatic musical sting]

- First, she had ghost tours in New Orleans.

- We are going to a ghost tour tonight.

I don't know if you're into that.

- And then the cookie exchange.

Deena, of course, sent us all matching PJ's.

- And I also got, like, fun Christmas pajamas.

- Yo, yo, yo. What up?

- Oh, good. Everybody's wearing their jammies.

- And now, it's boat building in the Poconos.

- Is this a joke or-- - No. It's not a joke.

[laughter]

- Thanks, Dee. - Best birthday ever.

[knocking] - Oh, [bleep] what's happening?

- Hello? - Someone's at the door.

Chris, get it.

- Hey, everyone. - Hi.

- Hey. - How we doing?

I got some materials for you to make a boat out of.

- Can we drown ourselves? - Oh. My. God.

- Listen, b*tches. We're doing the boats,

and everybody's gonna [bleep] like it.

- [laughs]

- Sick. - Sounds great.

- They're gonna friggin' do this activity,

and they're gonna friggin' like this activity,

and that's it, and that's all.

- All right, so we're gonna split you into two teams.

You're gonna craft a boat

that's gonna float somebody on your team.

Someone's gonna get into these boats,

and we're actually gonna race them, over in the pool.

You're gonna receive a -foot

by -foot sheet of corrugated cardboard.

A yardstick. You're gonna get a wooden dowel.

You got one roll of duct tape.

A bedsheet, all right, and a marker, and a knife.

- Where does Deena come up with this [bleep]?

- That's all you get for a boat?

- This look like some k*ller stuff.

- So it's my birthday,

and we're all building mini boats.

Like, guidos can't do this [bleep].

- I'm scared, [bleep]. - Row hard!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Whoa, whoa. Deena.

Deena, watch out. - Whoa, Deena.

Whoa, Deena. Deena. Deena. - Ahh!

- Oh, [bleep]. Oh, [bleep].

Yo, this thing's sinking.

- I regret this!

- You gotta go the other way, Ron.

- I know [bleep] doing it right.

- Ah! I got hit in the head.

- I'm just being honest.

- You're gonna split into two teams.

Make sure you have a name for your boat,

and when you're done with your boat

I'll meet you at the pool. Sound good?

- All right.

- Cardboard gets wet, and it usually sinks, no?

- How do you build a boat that doesn't sink?

- And then you gotta put a person between that [bleep]?

That's definitely [bleep] sinking.

- Our significant dinner went so well last night.

Maybe that's how we should split up the teams.

- Ooh. Roommates versus spinoff.

- They're gonna have their own group chat,

by the end of this trip.

- Who's going in the boat?

- It should be the lightest person.

- I'll go in. I'm the best person

to be in the boat, 'cause I'm the smallest,

and I'm just gonna have my glass of wine.

I'm gonna, you know, enjoy life.

- Who's going in for us? - I could do this.

- Wow, Saffire versus Snooki.

- I might drown you, if you're my competitor.

Welcome to the family, b*tch.

- Seamen, let's go. - All right. Let's do this.

- Let's go. - You're gonna lose, Nikki!

- Suck it. - Come here, b*tch.

- See you later. - Good?

- Yeah. - This is regulation?

- ♪ I'm only coming in first place ♪

- Oh, that's like a big cardboard.

- We just took two feet off this board.

- Boom, boom. It's like a house.

- Like a house. What we're gonna do is

the bottom's gonna be lined with this duct tape.

Duct tape's gonna be our friend here.

Nobody on my team has any idea what's going on.

It's time for me to take over.

Duct tape's waterproof. - Okay.

- I want to do the whole bottom with duct tape,

and actually the sides I want to do duct tape too.

Our strategy here is to not actually cut the boat,

to fold the sides, and then also line

the entire bottom of this boat

with duct tape, and put Nicole in the middle.

- All right. - Oh, she's tiny.

- Yeah she's little. - This is easy.

- I think you should arm paddle.

- White wine.

- We need to make a paddle out of that.

- Thanks, Ron. - We're gonna slice it.

We're gonna slice it and tuck it in.

- Happy birthday, Jenni!

Boy, you're the best.

Oh, my God.

- Thank you. - Oh, I thought you--

- Thought she said "lights the fire."

- Yeah. - And I was like, "Oh."

- I like her. [laughter]

- Nicole is getting drunker by the minute.

- All right. I'm starting to get wasted!

- [laughs]

♪ ♪

- And I'm, like, looking at her. I'm like--

- I'll fight somebody. I'll fight somebody.

- My meatball might go overboard.

- The reason why we're gonna win is because Nicole is drunk,

and she's gonna sink, no matter what.

I don't care if that boat's a professional boat.

She's going in the water, and that's it.

- [snores]

- ♪ Girls all night, yeah ♪

- You want me to refill a drink?

Chug it. Chug, chug, chug.

- ♪ Let's go crazy ♪

- What's up? Where's it?

- ♪ Let's go crazy ♪

[music slows]

[music stops]

- Here, Mama.

- Ron, hang out!

- Hey, Nicole, get over here for a second.

- Okay.

- Sit crisscross applesauce in the middle.

- Oh, she's tiny. - Yeah she's little.

- This is easy. - Yeah.

- But I do want to line the whole thing with duct tape.

- You're right. The duct tape. Lot of duct tape.

Jenni and Pauly are just hovering over it.

- Tape what? This piece?

- This is where we're gonna make the point off of.

- Where we're gonna make the point off of it.

- Then Mike's just like-- - I totally agree.

- "Hell yeah. You guys are doing a hell of a job."

- I like what Pauly's doing. - Eating snacks.

"You guys are doing... an amazing job."

- Doing a great job.

- This'll fold up, and then we can duct tape this.

- Yeah.

- I think we got a good technique here.

- We have professionals here. Our team's gonna win, for sure.

- Cut it, Jen. Fold it this way.

- There's no way.

- Honestly, I'm really nervous

about my husband being on the other team.

Like, he's really good at building things.

- I don't think aerodynamic trumps the...

- So wait. - Staying afloat.

- He's good at construction.

- The other leftover cardboard we can put

at the bottom of the boat, just to make it more buoyant.

- So I'm like we might lose. [laughs]

[phone rings]

- Vinny. - Yeah. Uncle Nino.

What are you--what?

What are--I can't hear you. I'm doing something.

- I'm just starving.

I'm starving, and I'm going stir crazy.

- Where are you?

- I'm sitting in the [bleep] parking lot,

sitting in my [bleep] room going stir crazy.

- I totally forgot Uncle Nino was here,

and I thought the went home. Bro, you're still here?

What have you been doing this whole time?

- I'm [bleep] the [bleep] off in my room.

- So go [bleep] home. I told you,

you should have--you didn't have to stay here.

- Are you yelling at somebody?

- Uncle Nino. - [bleep].

- Oh. [laughs]

- Hey, listen. We gotta [bleep] off.

I'm coming to see you, so now I'm [bleep]--

- No, no, no. Don't. We're busy now.

Come to--remember where we did the wrestling match?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪ ♪

all: Oh!

- Yeah. We're having, like, a party.

A birthday party for Jenni. Come there later.

- Okay. [mumbling] - All right. Goodbye.

- Ten minutes! - Do you have any tape?

We're gonna have to go ham all the way around,

from side to the other side.

Side to the other side, so there's no seam.

- Get it, Pauly! both: Pauly!

Pauly! Pauly! Pauly! Pauly! Pauly!

- And Jenni's doing good too. both: Jenni! Jenni!

Jenni!

- Oh, Mike's holding it. - Oh, yeah.

both: Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! - I didn't do [bleep].

- Did you touch it? - I touched it.

- All right. both: Angelina!

Angelina! - [spits]

[both laugh]

I just spit up--

- What's gonna be our boat name? Bear Boat?

- Speedy Bear. - Speedy Bear.

- Yes, Speedy Bear. - I like that.

- Speedy Bear is definitely gonna crush the roomies.

- This is nice, guys.

- Five minutes. - Five minutes?

- We don't got enough time to do the whole thing.

- But you guys got this. - Oh, my God. We gotta go.

We have one minute left. - Come on, team!

- There we go. - Yeah. Look at that.

all: Speedy Bear! Speedy Bear! Speedy Bear!

[buzzer blares] - All right. We're gonna win.

We're gonna win. Let's go.

- We did our best. - I think that we did well.

- Yep. I'm going in my boat.

[laughter]

- What's our boat name?

- Let's call it Side Piece. - [bleep] you.

- Side Piece. - You're so annoying.

- The boat looks like a side piece.

[boat horn toots]

I like that. - No.

- Yeah. It's a little janky. It's a little beat up,

but it also looks like it could be a good time.

all: Side Piece. Side Piece. Side Piece.

all: Speedy Bear! Speedy Bear! Speedy Bear!

- Damn. They're gonna k*ll us. all: Speedy Bear!

- They are gonna k*ll us. - I know.

They're like soldiers.

all: Speedy Bear! Speedy Bear! Speedy Bear!

- They're going down! - Yeah.

- They're gonna sink. all: Speedy Bear!

- Y'all act like you never built a boat before.

- We never let our meatballs sink, unless it's in sauce.

all: Side Piece! Side Piece!

- You ready? - Yeah. [laughs]

[music slows, stops]

- Oh, it's hot up in here.

- There's Side Piece in the building, dude.

both: Boo! - Oh, my God. They're here.

- Screw you. - Good luck, guys.

all: Speedy Bear! - Good luck, guys.

all: Speedy Bear! Speedy Bear!

- The significant others want to take us down.

- We don't gotta boo them.

We're better sportsmans than them.

I can just feel the competitiveness.

Nobody wants to lose here.

- So what is happening? - You guys are racing.

You versus Saffabear.

- You ready?

- Yes. - Yeah.

- What are you talkin' about? - Okay.

- Nicole is meatball wasted.

I mean that's kind of expected when the meatballs are around.

I'm jealous. I wish I was able to drink with her,

'cause then, at least, she wouldn't be by herself

in this state, you know?

- She's my mom.

- But I don't know if she's gonna be able

to pull this off and get in the boat.

- Jenni, get ready to save her. - I am not jumping in.

- She might drown.

[electronic music]

- So what is happening? She's my mom.

- Are you okay? - Jenni, get ready to save her.

- No. It's not doing that. - I am not jumping in.

- I'm not here for that.

- You're not going in?

- Do you want me to go in, instead?

- You want to watch instead?

- Yeah. - Angelina, sub in. Let's go.

- All right. I'm gonna take one for the team right now.

- No. I'll go to my boat. - Jeez Louise.

She does not belong in that water.

- No.

- And I'm gonna get in that boat,

because I want to win this [bleep].

- You good? You okay? Sit down. - No. I'm not great.

- All right. Sit down.

- Here is how the boat race is gonna work.

When we say "go" you're gonna try to get your boat

down to the other side of the pool.

You need to touch the other side of the pool.

Then your boat needs to turn and come all the way back.

Whoever's faster wins. - Let's go!

- This is serious business.

No one wants to lose.

- Back up. Why you listening?

- I actually wasn't, but now I am.

- In the air, it is just pure competition.

- Ours is called Side Piece.

- The most amazing thing is that it's Angelina

and her side piece.

[laughter]

- Don't worry. We got a [bleep] paddle.

You guys ain't smart enough for that.

- Yeah. How'd you guys get a paddle?

- We built it. We built it all.

- God damn it, b*stard. - We don't have paddle.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little intimidated

by the other team's boat.

I mean their [bleep] looks official.

Like, it's taped the right way. They had, like, a paddle.

We're going up [bleep] creek without a paddle.

Literally we have no paddle.

- Angelina, get in the Side Piece.

- Angelina.

- Get in that Side Piece.

- Not the first time her Side Piece got her [bleep].

[laughter]

- Too soon. - Racers in.

- Wait, Ang, put up your sleeves.

You're gonna have to use your arm as a paddle.

- We're gonna go. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Go!

all: Yay! - Ang!

- Saffabear. Saffabear.

- Go, Angie! - Side Piece.

- Go!

- Hey, no! Angelina, no!

You can't do that! Yeah, Saffabear!

- These two are ruthless. - Saffabear!

- They are willing to do whatever it takes

for their teams to win.

- Ahh! - No!

- You have Angelina all in,

[bleep] doggie paddling her life to the other side.

Saffa's taken lead with the [bleep] paddle.

That [bleep] paddle. God damn it.

- Come on, Angelina! Come on, Side Piece!

- Come on, Side Piece. It's like neck-and-neck.

Neck-and-neck. They make it to the other side.

- Angelina!

- Angelina is creeping from behind.

It's anybody's race right now.

all: Side Piece! Side Piece! Side Piece!

- Our boat's sinking. - You got this, Angelina.

You got this--all of a sudden,

you see a hero jump into the water. It's Chris.

- Look at his [bleep]. - Help.

- Come on, Angelina. - Chris! Get it!

Chris is like, "I don't care if I'm on the other side.

I'm going in to save my girl."

Yes! - Ooh!

- Oh, [bleep]. Oh, [bleep].

- And then Ron is like,

"Well, I can't be showed up by Chris,"

so now Ron's getting naked and jumping

in the [bleep] pool too, [bleep].

- Get her. - Side Piece.

Yeah! We won!

Side Piece won. We won. - We won!

- Side Piece won. - We won.

- I mean it's just ironic that the husband goes in

to save Angeliners from this sinking boat

that is also known as Side Piece.

Did you guys even get that? How [bleep] crazy that is.

- You got a traitor on your team.

- Oh.

- Now, that right there is Staten Island love.

- She did a good job. - Yeah. You [bleep] k*lled it.

- Saffa. No, no, no, no, girl.

- She was like a [bleep] monster. You're scrappy.

- She did not need a paddle.

- I am the Staten Island queen, and I always will be.

- Guys, we have a party.

Let's get ready. Can everybody be on time?

- Yes. - Yeah.

- Let's do this.

- In the end, Chris saved Angelina from the Side Piece.

- Aw. both: Yeah.

- So what is happening?

- Somebody grab Snooki.

- You ready, honey? Ooh, your eyelash.

- Yeah. I'm over it.

I feel like I want to pass away,

because I drank way too much.

I got too excited about, you know, my mom vacation,

and I just--I went too hard, and now I'm dying, so--

- Are you good? - Love her.

- You too. - You were very handy.

I wanted to jump in and drown you myself.

- Ooh!

- Angelina, I'd be as salty as she is, if I lost too.

- I'll see you there.

- I'll see you there? We're all going.

- We're going to the same spot.

- Me and Chris are kind of, you know,

getting ready for our second kid over here.

My meatball. Good little meatball.

- No. You're fine. You're fine.

- Let's get you inside. - Nicole, you want a snack?

- [muffled mumbling]

I [bleep] [indistinct] [bleep].

- Right. You're gonna relax.

- No. I am relaxed. - No. For the party.

- I'm very relaxed. - I know you're relaxed.

You're extremely relaxed. You want to lay down here?

- Yeah. For a second. - All right. Go ahead.

She'll be all right.

Once she sleeps it off, she'll be fine.

All right. I'm gonna go get ready.

You're good? - Yes.

- All right. I'll see you in a little.

Love you, meatball.

- ♪ 'Cause we're k*lling it ♪

♪ k*lling it, k*lling it ♪

- She'll be all right. She's gonna fall asleep.

- ♪ k*lling it together ♪

- Nicole? I lost Nicole.

There's a meatball on the loose.

- We gotta put out like a APB?

- Is that what it's called? - MOB? Missing person?

- Missing person. - Hello?

It's literally been, like, four hours,

and my meatball has blacked out in a gutter somewhere.

Where is she?

- ♪ She know we all viewin' ♪

♪ Throw it back, and she drop ♪

♪ She a bitty bop ♪

- Nicole's sleeping in our room.

- Yeah. She's not [inaudible]. You know what I mean?

She doesn't have the stamina she used to.

- That's what I'm saying.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Oh, she dangerous ♪

♪ She know what she doing ♪

♪ She know her angles ♪

♪ She know we all viewin' ♪

♪ Throw it back and she drop ♪

♪ She a bitty bop ♪

♪ Throw it back and she drop ♪

♪ She a bitty bop ♪

♪ Throw it back and she drop ♪

♪ She a bitty bop ♪

- You know what's strange about the winter?

- What? - There is no T-shirt time,

because you can put a T-shirt.

That's fine, but you better put a sweatshirt over it,

so the T-shirt, in fact, is the shirt before the shirt.

Normally, the shirt before the shirt is what I had on here.

- Is a tank top. - Then it's T-shirt time.

But now, it's shirt before the shirt.

T-shirt becomes the shirt before the shirt.

After the shirt before the shirt.

You understand what I'm saying? - Mm-hmm.

- So is it jacket time? Sweatshirt time?

I'm confused.

Poconos problems. You hear me?

- Hello? - Come in.

- I'm really excited today, because it's my birthday party,

and there are supposed to be a lot of surprises tonight.

But one surprise I wasn't ready for was Nicole.

[sighs] I lost Nicole. Hi. Have you seen Nicole?

- I put her to sleep in the suite, on the couch.

I put a blanket on her,

and I tried to give her some Pedialyte.

- I'm just happy she's not still in the pool.

- No. Yeah. We made sure she got out of there.

- Okay. Thank you. Now, I gotta go find her,

because she better [bleep] come tonight.

- I hope she's still in there. - If she is not there,

we gotta put out, like, a--what is that thing called?

APB? - Is that what it's called?

- MOB?

- MOB? both: Missing person?

- I don't know. - Missing.

[electronic music]

♪ ♪

- Don't act like I haven't been here.

Honestly, I'm waking up from my nap...

I have to go get ready. I don't know what's happening,

but I know I'm alive, so all right.

Let's get this [bleep] started. I'm ready to drink.

Hello?

- Nicole?

Where is she?

It's literally been, like, four hours,

and my meatball has blacked out in a gutter somewhere.

Hey.

I lost Nicole. I can't find her.

There's a meatball on the loose.

- The universe will point me to where I'm supposed to be.

- BDS is in the building.

- Oh, God [bleep]. - Oh, damn.

- You look so hot. What are you, a Spice Girl?

- Come say hi.

- I am just [bleep] up. - [laughing]

I am a great time. Nikki?

- Yeah? Oh, we're wearing black tonight. We're...

- Are you wearing black? - Kind of the same sleeves.

- Ooh, cute. I'm shot. That was a lot of--

- I know. You cheated.

- You still bitter about it? - Of course I'm bitter.

You [bleep] cheated.

- Ahh! - Yes!

[all shouting]

- Get her!

- Yeah!

- Side Piece won! - We won!

- Side Piece won! - We won.

- Well, it is what it is.

What's up with this [bleep] that I heard last night?

Like, what did Lauren say to my husband?

The other night, the significant others went to eat,

and I heard Lauren said something.

What was Chris saying? Was he like--

- He was good. - He was good?

- And I asked him some things.

- Those hard questions?

What was Lauren saying to you?

Was she, like, asking you a lot of questions?

- Not really. I forget, to be honest.

I don't think it was bad though.

- I just want to know if Lauren was, you know,

getting a little too involved.

Was she asking Chris any, like, bad [bleep]?

- Nothing out of the ordinary.

If you feel like Lauren did something,

you should go talk to her.

- Sometimes I do feel like she gets involved

a little too much. I'm just saying.

I'm not really satisfied

with what Nikki's telling me right now.

Something's weird. Don't know what Lauren said.

I just hope and pray that Lauren was being nice.

She's also pregnant. If it turned into a fight,

I don't want to fight with her honestly.

- Why would it turn into a fight?

- Who knows?

[lively music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, Vincent.

What's the over/under on Nicole making it to dinner today?

- Is this my room? No.

- She'll be up. That girl's a professional.

- You could look at her, at this very second,

and be like, "Eh, she's not gonna make it,"

and she'll probably make it.

- Where's my room? - That one.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

- Okay. - What's up?

- Hi, boo. - Look who I found.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- You look warm. - You do look warm.

- Warm? - Yeah.

- And cozy. - I have COVID.

- Oh.

So should we all go down?

- I'm ready. - Let's go.

- My best friend Jenni, who I'm here for,

is saying, "Let's party, b*tch."

I'm like, "[bleep]," so I have to rally, so let's go.

- Nicole, do you want a song to get ready to?

- Yeah.

- Okay hold on.

[electronic music plays]

♪ ♪

- Hey, guys.

- Is this [bleep] Angelina?

- The girl from Staten Island's back.

And yeah, there's nothing you can do about it.

- Goodbye. - What the [bleep] is this?

- This is exactly what I need to get in the mood

for my party tonight.

Nothing like Angelina rapping...

- ♪ And dance a lot until I drop ♪

- To put everybody in the mood.

- ♪ I even hopped a cop I popped his crop, ha ♪

♪ Came to play, I'm here to stay ♪

♪ And I'll do it my way every day ♪

[pumping electronic music]

- Yo, let's roll out. Shuttles is there.

It's Jenni's birthday. Time to get the party started.

- Happy birthday! - Thank you.

♪ ♪

I have a birthday song I wanted to play.

["I'm Hot" plays]

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.

- Hey, guys, it's Angelina.

- Perform it for us! - Go!

- ♪ I'm like an ice cream cone with a cherry on top ♪

♪ And I got a lot ♪

♪ No, I won't stop till I pop to the top ♪

- She's hot. You're not. She's hot. You're not.

- ♪ Until I drop, I shop and shop ♪

♪ I just can't stop it ♪

♪ I even hopped a cop, I popped his crop ♪

- That's a lyrical work of art.

She's hot like an ice cream cone

with a cherry on top. both: Yes.

- I can't. I can't.

It's so [bleep] awful.

I don't know if she intended to say that she's so hot,

like an ice cream with a cherry on top,

because ice cream is not hot.

Or she meant--I can't.

- I like it. - That's hot.

- You guys are good to go.

♪ ♪

- Wow. - Hello.

- Oh, my God! - Whoa.

- Yeah. - Man, this is a party.

- Oh, my God. - Look at the cake.

- Yeah. That's dope.

- This is so pretty! - Wow.

- It's like a nightclub with, like, a luau.

Thanks, guys.

Like, this [bleep] is phenomenal.

- It's so classy and so fun. We have the tequila bar.

Dance floor. The DJ booth.

And you have all the games.

You have the boardwalk games. The bar games.

This is so, so fun,

and I just want everybody to have a good time.

- Get this party started, mother[bleep].

Jenni, what the [bleep]? - Uncle Nino!

- [indistinct]

- How can I celebrate a birthday without you, handsome?

- Jenni, do you want tequilers? - Yeah.

- Ooh, somebody's starting the party up.

- Jenni, she's, like, so stunning right now.

Gorgeous in her dress,

and her t*ts are up, like old JWOWW.

I'm like, "b*tch, it's time to catch up."

Like, I'm here for you. What's going on?

Zack, you want a shot?

- Mike, you see the bocci ball court?

- Stop it. I will mess you up, son.

- Right here. - I will mess you up.

- My bocci game is serious.

Being a full-blooded Italian, being good at bocci

is just in your blood.

And unfortunately, I've been to prison,

so BDS' bocci skills are next level.

I want to see somebody on that bocci court tonight.

- They don't call me the bocci ball champion for nothing.

- They don't call you that at all.

- I know. Wait what? - Best day ever.

The fact that the roommates are having a birthday party for me,

like, I am living my best life right now.

[clanking] Oh, my God. Don't break it.

- You're pregnant. - No, [bleep].

- Not after today's drinking. - All right. Okay, Vinny.

- Durr.

[laughter]

- You're so excited I'm here. [bleep] off.

- You're so jerky.

- JWOWW, you're beautiful, and I love you,

and you're my best friend, and I would die for you.

And I'm so happy that you found your soulmate in Zack.

- Ooh!

- Oh, okay. - Chris.

- Well, you're not really invited so--

- Whoa!

- That really distracted me. I'm just--

both: I love you. - You know, just when I think

that we're gonna have a classy dinner

there's never gonna be a normal dinner with us.

- Zack, go to the platform.

- Ah... [laughter]

No.

No, I gotta keep it short, 'cause I will start crying.

- Aw. - It's okay. Stop!

I'm gonna freak out. - Aw.

- Aw!

- Man, you never [inaudible].

Come on.

- Zack just starts crying.

It's like the weirdest thing in the world.

Like, just when I think he's gonna speak, and I'm like,

"All right. A speech. I'm gonna hear his voice."

He cries, and he can't talk.

- [laughing] Aw.

[both chuckle]

It's like the engagement all over again.

- ♪ It's all so perfect ♪

- No. I gotta keep it short, 'cause I will start crying.

- [laughing] Aw.

Aw. - That's real love!

Okay. I first would like to say happy birthday

to my sister wishing nothing but positive vibes,

and if you deserve it, the universe will serve it.

- As soon as I walked into the house,

you had my back, from day one. - Okay.

- We've been through so many milestones,

and I'm just so, so happy

to have you in my life, and I love you, and we're...

- Thanks, Deen. - Gonna be little old ladies.

All of us. - Yes. In a nursing home.

- Thank you. - Cheers.

- Happy birthday, JWOWW. I love birthdays.

Thank you for having one, and I'm looking forward

to doing many more birthdays together,

just like this one with everyone.

- Yay. - Thank you.

- Yay.

- People are giving me very nice compliments right now.

- I just want to wish you guys the best of luck,

and I love you, and happy birthday.

- Thank you, Ron. And like, being so sweet.

So endearing.

- You grew up to be, like, one of the most inspirational,

amazing women that I know today.

Just keep k*lling it, and I look forward to you,

and Zack, and the rest of your life.

- Thanks, Vinny.

- Happy birthday. - Yay!

- I'm not really gonna say much, because yeah.

I want to get a little drunk and then--

- Ooh. - Oh, [bleep].

- I'm coming for you.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- What do you mean?

- It sounds like she's coming for you.

I'm just saying, but what do I know?

I just play the music.

Angelina says she wants to get drunk, before she has

to say something, and then I'm like, "Uh-oh."

What is that? Liquid courage? Is there a fight brewing?

JWOWW hasn't fought in a long time, but she'll still do it.

- Yep.

- Happy birthday, for now.

- Ooh! - Cheers.

all: Ooh.

- Awkward.

- What did you say to him?

- What did I say to him? - Yeah.

Lauren needs to mind her [bleep] business.

- I would like to welcome you to the talent show.

- Boo! You suck. - Boo.

- Freaking loser.

- Get off the stage.

- How much more can I take?

- Hey, are you gonna fight me? - Oh, God.

- Oh, my gosh.

- Nicole, I'm right here, b*tch.