[blowing]
[birds chirping]
[acoustic percussion music playing]
[acoustic percussion music fades]
[boat engine humming]
[marching band drums playing]
[bell tolling]
[marching band music playing]
[band playing "We Are One"]
Can't understand
Why we treat each other in this way
Taking up time
With the silly, silly games we play
We've got our love
And no matter how it's said or done
We are one
No matter what we do, we are one
Our love will see us through
We are one
[bell tolling]
And that's the way it is, we are one
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen, Hampton University.
Welcome home, Ms. Wanda Sykes.
[audience cheering]
[music fades]
[Wanda] Please, please take a seat.
Thank you, Hampton. Thank y'all so much.
I love y'all.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Thank you so much.
I'm home, y'all.
[audience cheering]
This is amazing.
It's It's good to be back.
You know, it's been a minute.
I'm sure y'all like me,
campus has changed.
[audience laughing]
I can't find sh*t.
I'm like
[Wanda chuckling]
We didn't have all this when I was here.
I mean, the student center,
the cafeteria is amazing.
You see these kids,
they got all these options now. Yeah.
What the hell is that?
Vegan, here's the gluten-free stuff.
They got They They
They even got a he, she, they.
We ain't had that when I was here.
[audience laughing]
We ain't had that option. We
There was only one choice you had to make
when I was here.
Gravy, baby?
[audience applauding]
[Wanda chuckling]
[audience cheering]
That was it. That was it.
It was about the gravy.
And don't sleep. You better pay attention,
'cause when she go, "Gravy, baby?"
if you distracted, you gonna get gravy.
You gonna She gonna "Mm."
Gravy, baby?
[audience laughing]
Oh, I guess I got gravy on my fruit cup.
I ain't see that coming.
[audience laughing]
So Man, I I feel like
I can breathe a little bit being here.
You know, right?
[audience applauding]
I don't know about y'all,
but what the hell's going on
out there now?
Boy, I feel like I've been stuck
in the shittiest escape room ever.
[audience laughing]
[Wanda chuckling]
I can't figure it out. [chuckling]
All the clues have been redacted.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
I mean, what is this?
What are we living, y'all?
I mean, the the the show
Stranger Things ain't got sh*t on us.
[audience laughing]
'Cause at least that show has
some logic to it.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, they had The Upside Down world.
sh**t, you flip this b*tch upside down,
it'll be raining r*cist grifters
and pedophiles. It'd be like
[audience cheering]
Girl, a billionaire just fell
through my roof.
[audience laughing]
[chuckling] How we gonna get out of here?
There's nowhere [mutters]
We need Harriet Tubman
to get us out this b*tch.
[audience laughs]
This administration is so incompetent.
In the files, they released the names
of the Epstein survivors.
Come on, man.
Like, how do you screw up redacting?
That That's just crossing sh*t out.
[audience laughing]
That That's pre-K.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, uh, when in doubt, cross it out.
[audience laughing]
Maybe they ran out of ink
crossing all the Trumps out.
Maybe that was it, you know?
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]
Oh yeah, you know he's in there.
He's in there. He's
What We We knew before the files
were even released that he was in there.
We saw the pictures,
him all chummy chummy with Epstein
and, you know, video of him
at that party with Epstein. And he
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]
Biting his bottom lip.
When you bite your bottom lip,
that's some lascivious sh*t right there.
You You up to no good
when you biting that bottom lip.
You're like, "Mm, I'm gonna
f*ck something up. Yeah, mm."
[audience laughing]
You see somebody walking towards you
with they bottom lip like this, run.
Get out of there.
They mean you no good.
[audience laughing]
[Wanda sighs]
I can't believe I'm gonna say this, y'all.
But I miss 2016 Trump.
[audience laughing]
[Wanda scoffs]
[audience cheering and applauding]
Baby Trump seems cute now.
You know, we just had to humor him.
Yeah [mimics Trump]
"Oh, I'm gonna build a wall."
[in baby talk] Oh, you gonna build a wall?
Yes, you are gonna build a wall.
You gonna build
a big, beautiful wall, aren't you?
Uh-huh.
[mimics Trump]
"And I'm gonna lock her up."
[in baby talk] That's right. Lock her up.
Lock her up.
-Lock her up.
-[audience clapping along]
Lock her up. Lock [chuckling]
[audience laughing]
That Trump was harmless 'cause
we had the guardrails up on his crib.
You know.
[audience laughing]
This Trump, there is no supervision.
This man is off the rails.
You see he posted that sh*t
about the Obamas?
He posted the Obamas as apes.
What the hell, y'all?
I mean, even racists were like,
"Now that's too far."
[audience laughing]
You're the president, show some decorum.
And there's no decorum anymore.
All these politicians just cursing.
Everybody's cursing.
That's my job. I [mutters]
Chuck Schumer out there,
"You f*ck off!" I'm like, "Hey, hey."
[audience laughing]
Trump got them all cursin'.
You You know it's bad
when when the State of the Union is
about to come on, you like,
"Oh, here come the president.
Get them kids out the room."
"Get the kids out of the room."
[audience laughing]
We used to have standards, y'all.
There was a There was a bar,
a high bar, right?
[audience applauding]
Remember Howard Dean?
Howard Dean, yeah, yeah,
Democratic candidate, right?
He ruined his career.
2004, he ruined his career.
It wasn't scandal.
No, it wasn't a scandal.
It was over-exuberance.
Because he screamed weird.
He did well in the Iowa caucus,
and he got a little too excited.
He's like, "And then we're gonna go
all the way to the White House, yeah!"
And he did that, "Yeah!"
And everybody was like,
"The f*ck you yah-ing about?"
[audience laughing]
Ruined his career, over.
We went from, you can't "yeah" to this.
[audience laughing]
[mimicking Trump]
"I just grab 'em by the p*ssy. Mm."
[audience laughing]
This man is [splutters]
Y'all, Trump believes,
because of the Civil Rights Act,
that white people
have been treated unfairly.
He even got a 1-800 number.
This is true.
So they can report their hardship
and file for reparations.
Can you believe that sh*t? What the hell?
I mean, what what what more
do they want? Man, come on.
Okay, first you steal our music,
now you want our justice too?
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
I don't want this 800 number sh*t.
My family's white.
They'd be reporting my a*s every day.
[audience laughing]
I can see my son calling now.
"Yeah, this Black woman
won't give me a PlayStation."
-[audience laughing]
-[Wanda chuckles]
You better not be on that phone again.
[audience laughing]
Yeah, I I have a white family.
My my my wife is white.
Uh, well, she's she's French.
She's French,
but you know if sh*t goes down
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
And we have twins, Olivia and Lucas.
They're 16 now.
You know, they're
they're they're white too, yeah.
Yeah.
Black excellence.
You're looking at it right here.
[audience laughing]
Well, unfortunately, racism,
it is in this fabric
of the country, right?
It's in It's here, and it's
Remember, it hasn't been that long
since, like, during
the Civil Rights Movement, right?
And our people were out there
marching peacefully.
And that that
those people in that angry mob
who were yelling stuff
and and just evil stuff
and and and spitting on them,
some of them are still alive.
And they had kids.
And you know they indoctrinated those kids
with that same hate.
Yeah. One image
that really stuck out, uh, to me,
I was watching, uh, Eyes on the Prize,
and, uh, there was
a a a little white boy
standing out there with a clarinet.
And he was playing "Dixie."
And he was just out there
[mimicking clarinet playing "Dixie"]
[audience laughing]
Now, first of all,
the clarinet is an evil instrument.
We can all agree.
[audience laughing]
[hesitates]
Any parent who's been in the house
with a child learning an instrument,
you know it's hard.
But a clarinet,
that's that's a whole 'nother level
of tolerance right there.
Like [mockingly mimicking clarinet]
[audience laughing]
But I think about that little boy because,
you know, this little boy grew up.
And you know who I think he is today?
Lindsey Graham.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
He had his pinkies up
when he was playing too.
[mockingly mimicking clarinet]
[audience laughing]
This is just an ugly administration, man.
You Y'all see Pam Bondi testifying
in front of Congress?
I should say
testi-lying in front of Congress?
Just, I mean, she was just ugly.
Just, I mean just
You You know what? Here's the thing.
I never wanna hear
the phrase "angry Black woman" ever again.
Don't just uh-uh.
Nope.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Nah.
Not accepting that.
I mean, Bondi,
Noem, Leavitt. Phew.
These are white women on steroids.
You know what I'm saying? I'd be like,
they they put Karens to shame.
[audience laughing]
Karens like, "Oh sh*t, here they come.
Go, move." [muttering]
[audience laughing]
Karens be doing sh*t like,
"Um, you know,
I called the cops on this Black man."
"He was napping."
[audience laughing]
That ain't nothin' what what they doing.
Noem is like,
"I sent a Puerto Rican to the Congo."
[audience laughing]
[Wanda chuckling]
It rough, man.
But here's the thing,
like, women, just, like, imagine,
like, if if we all got on the same page
and worked together,
we could run everything.
We could.
[audience applauding]
But, I mean
but we know that's impossible.
'Cause the only time you see
white women working together
is in synchronized swimming.
[audience laughing]
They in sync in that pool, boy.
They [vocalizing]
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
Well, Black women,
you know, we check each other, right?
And if one of us gets out of line,
pfft, we just write you off.
You done. Right?
Nicki Mi-who?
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
[Wanda] I don't I don't know her.
Everybody's like, "Well, Wanda,
we have to make it to the midterms."
I'm like, "You really think
we're gonna survive to the midterms?"
[audience laughing]
Not with RFK Jr.
as our secretary of health.
This non-vaccine mug, what the hell?
I mean, come on, man.
He got old diseases coming back.
sh*t that we already cured is back.
Measles is back.
In a In a few more months,
we going to be sounding
like an old western or something.
"Hey, Wanda,
what happened to your sister?"
[mimicking cowboy]
"Oh, she died of consumption."
[audience laughing]
sh**t.
What [chuckling]
[woman shrieks]
[Wanda guffaws]
[audience laughing]
[Wanda groans]
sh*t.
Look, soon as I heard that he was
the nominee, I didn't hesitate.
I ran down to the CVS.
I was like, "Okay, uh,
I'm gonna need like three shingles."
"Uh, give me two COVID shots."
"Uh, what else you got back there?
You got any tetracycline back there?"
"Give me some of that."
[audience laughing]
I knew where this sh*t was heading.
This man stays in office any longer,
boy, you gonna go to the pharmacy,
and behind the counter, it's just going
to be mason jars with sh*t in it.
Just labels, and
[Wanda chuckling]
You walk in there,
your eye's just oozing and sh*t.
You like, "Uh, I don't know
what's going on with my eye."
The pharmacist be like,
"Oh, wait, wait, hold on."
"One sec, one sec, one sec."
"Ah. Ah, yeah."
[audience laughing]
[blows]
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
Messed up. I'm telling you.
The germs and the the plague
or whatever don't get us,
now we got to worry about ICE. Yeah.
Yeah. ICE is out here now.
Now, here's the thing.
They're They're They're supposed to be
going after violent criminals, right?
That's That's what they said.
They're gonna get violent criminals
who aren't supposed to be here,
get them off the streets.
Now, I'm like, okay,
I'm I'm down with that.
But here's the thing.
I I want all violent criminals
off the street.
[audience applauding]
If somebody came up to me
and just started stabbing me,
I'm not gonna be like "Ah."
[groaning] "Ooh."
"Wait Wait a minute." [grunting]
"Where you from?"
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]
"You stab like a Guatemalan."
[audience laughing]
They're supposed to be looking for
violent criminals, right?
So what where
where are they looking, huh?
They're going to restaurants
in the kitchen.
'Cause, you know, violent criminals,
they make a great sous-chef.
[audience laughing]
ICE is staking out
at the at the courthouse,
you know, catching people
coming out their hearings.
'Cause you know violent criminals,
they show up for them cases. They
[audience laughing]
That paperwork is in order.
They're going out,
hiding out at the at the Home Depots.
That's where they're searching.
Yeah, ICE is in front at the Home Depot.
'Cause we all know violent criminals,
they love a good DIY project.
[audience laughing]
Get the hell out of here.
Fake-a*s ICE agents.
They ain't nothing
but pardoned January 6th insurrectionists.
That's who they are.
Fake-a*s agents.
[audience applauding]
Went down to the surplus store
and bought them little tight-a*s vests.
How How the f*ck
you hopping out a Ford Focus
to go capture somebody?
[audience laughing]
But they're supposed to be protecting us.
But they're k*lling Americans
is what they're doing.
k*lling Americans.
Minnesota, Alex Pretti.
That man, unarmed,
a a VA nurse, k*lled him,
ex*cuted him right there.
Renee Good, a mother.
Yeah, in her car.
ex*cuted her in her car.
And And then called her
a "f*cking b*tch" afterwards.
That's what the agent called her
right in front of her wife.
Yeah. Yeah.
So lesbians, you know what we gotta do.
[audience laughing]
We gotta call Subaru and be like, "Hey."
Uh
[audience applauding]
"Let me ask y'all something."
[audience laughing]
"Can you make an armored Outback?"
[Wanda scoffs]
They going off in these streets, man.
But we out there, man.
People, we we we out there protesting.
Okay, when when I say "we,"
I mean white people.
White people are out there protesting.
I ain't taking my Black a*s out there. No.
We ain't doing that.
We read Project 2025.
[audience applauding]
We knew what was up.
They want us out there
so they can escalate sh*t. Mm-mm, no.
White people, this is on you.
This This is a
This is a you thing right here.
This We ain't going out there.
You know what's funny?
We didn't even have a meeting about it.
[audience laughing]
There There wasn't
no text chain or nothin'. We
You just felt it, right?
I mean, every time
I think about going to protest,
it's like I hear from my ancestors.
"Sit your Black a*s down."
I'm like, "Okay."
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]
White folks, if you want us out there,
you get you gotta show us
that you you really mean this.
Like, ten toes down.
You gotta, you know
You You gotta do some sh*t like we do.
You, you know
Tear up something that you love. You know?
If I see a Wegmans on fire
[audience laughing]
[Wanda chuckling]
You firebomb a Supercuts
[audience laughing]
But until then,
we gonna be we gonna be right behind you.
Okay, not not physically behind you.
We gonna We gonna like your posts.
We gonna be online.
I'm gonna like all your posts.
I might even comment
heart, you know, strong arm, you know.
[audience laughing]
People of my generation,
white folks, y'all y'all been out there.
You've done it before.
You You've been protesting before.
Yeah, but it but it's the younger people
I worry about.
Y'all Y'all gotta train.
Like, you gotta be ready
for that pepper spray.
So I want you to just put hot sauce
on everything. Just hot sauce.
[audience laughing]
In the morning when you brush your teeth,
just just sh**t yourself in the face
with your Waterpik. Just
[audience laughing]
f*ck it, walk through a car wash.
Mm-mm, you know.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
[Wanda chuckling]
But, you know, I think we're here because
we're in this situation
because the Republicans did a better job
connecting with
the working-class people. They did.
Yeah, the Dems, oh my God.
You was just just listening to them like,
"Oh, I don't understand.
How did we lose the uneducated vote?"
Like, well, maybe if you stop
calling them uneducated,
that could help.
That's why whoever runs next,
I want them to to be able
to connect with everyone.
They They gotta be like
one generation from from being broke.
I want them to know
about being broke, you know?
Here's Here's the prerequisite.
If you don't have the Western Union app
on your phone, you can't run.
[audience laughing and applauding]
Oh, here's another thing.
If you drive a Cybertruck, you're a d*ck.
[audience laughing]
And we all think you're a d*ck.
[audience cheering and applauding]
[Wanda chuckles]
It's greed, man. It's greed.
These some greedy people, boy. Greed.
And And because of greed,
we're all cashiers now.
How did that happen?
See, they're going through,
and they they cut out working-class jobs.
And they make us do it. Yeah.
We're And how did they
how did they slow-walk us into that one?
I I remember like maybe 15, 20 years ago,
you you went to your store,
and there was a little kiosk,
a little self-checkout kiosk.
And our curious asses were like,
"Ooh, I'mma go play cashier."
[audience laughing]
'Cause a cashier was a real job
with benefits. You in in there, boop.
Like, "Ooh, I did it."
Now you're doing it. That's your job.
[audience laughing]
You can't find real people now.
Yeah, it's all self-checkout.
You know what really annoys me?
When there's a line at the self-checkout.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "I am waiting in line
to work here for free."
[audience laughing]
What in the hell is this?
Then they got you snitching on yourselves.
"How many bags did you use?"
[audience laughing]
[chuckling] "Two." What the f*ck?
We should be stealing
is what we should do.
'Cause they That's what they doing.
They making you steal.
So they got to bring the real people back.
And it's not stealing. You work there.
[audience laughing]
You're not taking
some entry-level position.
Be the store manager.
I have sales all the time.
"Store manager sale."
It's a
"Buy one, get one free."
[audience laughing]
Boop.
[audience laughing and applauding]
[Wanda chuckles]
They taking all the jobs, man.
All the working-class jobs, right?
Like even delivery, uh, services now.
Now in LA, we have these little carts.
You've seen the Yeah. The the little
It's like a little shopping cart.
And it's It's a little robot,
and you order stuff.
And they put it in the cart
and they send it to your house.
I'm like, "Don't Don't send
that sh*t to my house."
"I want a real person."
You know, I almost k*lled myself
the first time I saw the cart
'cause I didn't know what it was
and it was heading into traffic.
And I was like, "Oh Lord,
the baby stroller." Then I'm like
[Wanda chuckling]
[audience laughing]
Only time I would use that,
if you could, like Something useful.
Like you could order up an a*s-whooping.
I'd do that.
[audience laughing]
Wouldn't that be cool?
You could send somebody an a*s-whooping.
You open it, open your door,
m*therf*cker jump out and just slap
the sh*t out of you. They'd be like
[audience applauding]
"Brenda says hi."
[audience laughing]
[Wanda chuckling]
They climb back in the cart. Mm.
Oh, I'd be ordering
a*s-whoopings all the time.
I'd be there, "Mm, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave."
[audience cheering and applauding]
You know what kills me is, like,
when greed is is masked,
uh, as, uh, benevolence, you know?
Like, you you go to a store,
and they ask you that question,
"Would you like to round up
and donate to our charity?"
The nerve.
You want me to give you
more money for cha--?
I'll take a note of the charity,
and I'll donate myself.
How about that? I'll donate it myself
and get the tax write-off.
I mean, 'cause And if
And if you want to be so charitable,
why why don't you ask me
if if I want to round down?
[audience laughing]
Hotels do it.
Yeah, hotels do it.
"Hey, you know, we're thinking
about the planet. Why don't you reuse?"
"Hang that towel back up."
You know, "We don't We don't change
the sheets every night."
"You have to request that
'cause we're thinking about the planet."
Like, no you're not. You're thinking about
your water bill and employees.
That's what you're thinking about.
[audience applauding]
'Cause if you want to encourage
people being green,
you will give me a little green discount,
a little a little
a little something off of my room, right?
'Cause I'm green. I'm green at home.
At home, I sleep in my same sheets
until the fitted sheet flies off the bed,
you know?
[audience laughing]
The fitted sheet just gets so tired
and worn out.
It just Oh, it just
The rubber just gives away.
Just like, "Oh boy, sh*t." [groans]
You go get into bed, pull the covers back,
you're like, "Where my fitted sheet at?"
[grunts] "Oh, it's at the foot of the bed.
I'll be damned."
[audience laughing]
I'll use the same towel at home, you know?
I'm in there, like, with the towel, like,
"Ow, sh*t. Did I Did I break my skin?"
Towel feeling like a loofah.
You're like, "Oh boy."
"Am I bleeding? What the hell?"
But if I'm paying full price
for a hotel room, I'm using all that sh*t.
I'm in there, towel for my right titty.
Towel for my left titty.
a*s towel, a*s towel,
a*s towel, a*s towel.
[audience laughing and applauding]
[Wanda chuckling]
[Wanda chuckling]
Then I call downstairs,
"I need some more towels."
[audience laughing]
"My cooch is still a little damp."
[audience laughing]
"And change my bed."
[Wanda chuckling]
I was in a a hotel in New Orleans,
and this, uh the the housekeeper came
to change my bed, right?
Service my room.
So I I opened the door,
and it was a young girl,
but she she was sweating,
just, like just profusely, just sweating.
And I'm looking at her, and I'm like, "Mm,
I don't think I got a vaccine for this."
"I don't know what she got."
[audience laughing]
And I couldn't let her in my room,
you know you you know,
all that sweat dripping.
And I And I just pictured her
changing my bed,
fighting with that pillowcase. You know
[audience laughing]
You know, just sweat flying.
So I had to think fast.
I was like, you know what?
I'm gonna grab my my towels
and my my my linen,
and I'm I'mma do it myself, okay?
So I went to the car and got my sh*t,
and as I'm walking back,
she's like, "Ms. Sykes, are you sure?"
I was like, "Yeah, girl, I got this."
"I was a cashier yesterday."
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
[Wanda] It's greed.
You know, like, recording artists,
they they don't make money
selling records anymore.
No, uh-uh, that's why they have to tour.
Because the the downloads
and the streams,
they get like a fraction of a penny.
So that's why we, you know,
got all these great shows out here,
because you gotta, you know
they gotta make their money touring.
And, you know, it's it's good for us,
but then again, not so good.
Yeah, I I can't tell you
how many of my friends
went to that New Edition concert
and acted a fool
thinking they could still do them steps.
They out there.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
[vocalizing]
And the next day you see them,
they in a boot.
Girl, I tore myself up
at that damn New Edition concert.
Oh boy. Oh boy, I thought I had it.
I ain't got it I ain't got it no more.
[Wanda chuckles]
[Wanda inhales sharply]
[chuckles] Whew.
[exhales sharply]
I'm doing too much physical sh*t, sh*t.
[mutters] The f*ck I write
these jokes for, good Lord.
[audience laughing]
It's time we do some sit-down comedy.
[Wanda chuckling]
We in our sixties, man. I don't know
about y'all, but sixties hit different.
Like, first of all, where's all this gas
coming from? What the hell?
[audience laughing]
Just gassy for no reason.
Just Gas just come anywhere.
Just [splutters]
And And And you gotta focus
on not farting in public. You do.
If you If you let your mind relax
[mimics fart]
[audience laughing]
They just fly out, just [mimics fart]
Just
[Wanda scoffs]
[Wanda chuckling]
I'm like, where's
all this gas coming from?
It don't make no sense.
Like, one of my friends,
she's a CEO of a big company.
She was like, "Girl, I was in a meeting,
and and I stood up,
and and gas, I passed gas."
"Just" [mimics fart]
I was like, "Well Well, what did you do?"
She said, "I said, 'Meeting's adjourned.'"
[audience laughing]
I was like, "I bet it was. Yeah."
I said, "Now you gotta end
all your meetings like that."
That's You gotta just stay with it.
I'm telling you, boy, you know,
when you younger,
you gotta work on that Kegel muscle.
You gotta do those Kegel exercises.
When you get older, mm, that sphincter,
you gotta mm, mm,
'cause 'cause they just
[mimics fart] boy.
You don't know it until, like, if you
unless you talking to somebody.
And you see it on their face
'cause you're talking,
and you're like, "Yeah, girl."
And all of a sudden, they do this.
[audience laughing]
And step back.
When they step back, yeah, you passed gas.
You did. You Just own it.
Just like, "Yeah, that was
that was me, yeah."
[audience laughing]
"That was me."
"Meeting's adjourned.
Meeting's adjourned." Just
Sleeping is hard now.
I don't know why I I can't fall asleep.
It's hard to fall asleep.
I'm I'm on a group text
with with, uh, like,
four other Hamptonians in in my class,
and, man, it [chuckles]
at like, 2:30 in the morning,
somebody'll text, um
"Do y'all marinate your lamb chops
[audience laughing]
or rub them?"
And I'm like, "Oh,
I prefer to do a rub myself."
-[audience laughing]
-[Wanda scoffs]
It's 2:30 in the morning!
And when I wanna stay awake,
I fall asleep.
Every time I go to the movies,
I sit there,
and I'm like, "Well, here's a $42 nap."
[audience laughing]
Out.
[chuckles] Everybody's like,
"Ooh, I saw Sinners three times
just so I could understand
all the symbolism."
I was like, "I saw it four times
just so I could see it." It took me
[audience laughing]
I'm in there [snores] out.
I was at home watching something,
and and I was trying to stay awake,
but I couldn't.
I kept falling asleep,
so I changed chairs.
I said, "You know, I'm gonna get
this dining room chair."
"I ain't gonna fall asleep in this."
Five minutes in
[snoring]
And And the way my head fell
in that straight-backed chair,
I I cut my air off, so I was like
[intermittent snorting]
And my brain was like, "Wake up, wake up!"
"We can't breathe.
Wake up. You're k*lling us."
And I was like, "I can't.
I'm in such a deep sleep, I can't."
I had to throw myself off the chair.
[audience laughing]
[Wanda breathing heavily]
[breathlessly] I almost k*lled myself.
[exhaling heavily]
[Wanda chuckles]
Trying to eat better, you know,
trying to do that, you know.
But, uh, Esther's Esther's not having it.
Uh, for for for those of you
who don't know,
this this fat roll here
popped up when I was 40,
and she's staying around.
She's [chuckles]
Esther is not going anywhere.
Esther loves bread,
alcohol, and cheesecake.
That's her favorite.
[in guttural voice]
Mm, give me some cheesecake.
[audience laughing]
Esther's Esther's been
a little down lately, though.
She's been a little depressed, you know.
'Cause yeah, she Every time that
Every time that
that Ozempic commercial comes on,
she I hear her [sniffling]
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Esther, what's wrong with you?"
She goes
[sniffles] "All my friends are gone."
[audience laughing]
[Wanda sighs]
No, I'm the only one in my family
who uses a washcloth.
[audience laughing]
Now
I don't know if it's a French thing
or a white thing or just a nasty thing.
I don't know what it is.
[audience laughing]
I remember the first time
Alex came to visit me,
you know, I put the the the towels out.
Bath towel, hand towel, washcloth.
It's a set.
[audience laughing]
And after a couple of days,
I I noticed the washcloth was fresh.
So I was like, "Hey, Alex, babe,
did you you see
I got a washcloth here for you?"
And she was like
[in French accent] "Oh, non, merci."
[audience laughing]
"You know, we we don't use those things."
"We, uh I don't know."
"We just It's It's just not
the thing we do. Non, merci."
I'm like, "Well, what what do you do?"
She's like, "Oh, you know,
just, uh, put a little savon."
"Uh, you know, dans ta main, comme a.
You just, you know"
"Doo-doo-doo."
"Doo-doo-doo."
"Doo-doo-doo."
"Doo-doo-doo."
"Et voil."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "All right, well, you know,
it works. So, okay, all right, cool."
So then it was my turn
to go meet her family, right?
So we we fly to Paris,
and we're staying at her at her mom's.
So I get there, long flight.
I say, "Hey, babe, I want to jump
in the shower, you know, freshen up."
"Can I get a washcloth, please?"
And she's like, "Mon cur, non."
[in French accent] "I told you, no.
We We don't, uh"
[inhales and blows sharply]
"We don't have those."
"We We don't, uh, use those things, no."
I'm like, "You sure?
Did you ask your mother?"
"I told" [huffs]
"Maman,
uh, est-ce que tu as une petite serviette
comme a pour Wanda?"
"Non? Non, non, non, non. Non."
[audience laughing]
"Elle dit non, je dis non, non."
"Mon cur, just"
"Doo-doo-doo."
"Doo-doo-doo."
"Doo-doo-doo."
"Doo-doo-doo."
"Allez."
[audience laughing]
I'm like Get in the shower,
I'm like, "This is some bullshit."
"This is what this is."
I get in the shower, and I'm like
[angrily] Doo-doo-doo
[audience laughing]
Doo-doo-doo.
Doo-doo-doo
[audience laughing and applauding]
[audience cheering]
Maybe I should wash that again.
Doo-doo-doo.
Doo-doo-doo.
[softening] Doo-doo-doo.
Doo-doo-doo
Let me really get in there.
Doo-doo-doo.
[pitch rising] Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo.
Doo-doo-doo.
Doo-doo-doo-ooh!
[high-pitched vocalizing]
[breathing heavily]
[audience laughing and applauding]
Voil.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
I'm throwing away all my washcloths.
[audience laughing]
[Wanda chuckling]
But you know what I noticed is
that, um, my skin didn't get dry.
You know,
it was like I I I didn't need lotion.
I guess when you use a washcloth,
you're wiping off
all your natural oils, right?
So I'm like, okay, this this this works.
So I was over there for a couple of weeks,
and then then I get back here,
and I get home.
And I jump in the shower,
and I grab my washcloth.
And I'm in there,
washcloth, you know. All All of that.
I looked at that washcloth.
[audience laughing and cheering]
It looked like I had Armor All'd my tires.
I was like, "You's a dirty h*."
[audience laughing]
[scattered applause]
[Wanda clears throat] Right.
I knew Alex was ready
to take our relationship to the next level
because, uh,
she wanted to get a dog, right?
But she wanted to make sure
that her dog would get along with my dog
because my dog, Riley, man,
I had him for almost 18 years,
a border terrier.
He was the best dog, my God, man.
I would I would take him everywhere.
You know, I even went online
and got him one of those
bullshit service animal vests
[chuckling]
[audience laughing]
so he could, you know, be outside his bag
and fly everywhere. But you know what?
I would put that vest on him,
and that fool would,
like, act right. He'd like
[audience laughing]
'Cause you seen animals at the airport.
You know damn well
they ain't no service animal.
Service animals don't take a dump
in the middle of terminal two.
[audience laughing]
So I take my guy, Riley,
to meet this little dog she was getting.
So we get there, and they they bring out
this little Chihuahua puppy.
He had big-a*s ears.
He was about this big.
And Riley looked at that dog,
he was like, "Is that a dog?"
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Yeah, man."
And this Chihuahua, he knew he wanted
to get out of there and go home with Alex
because he bent down
and picked up Riley's leash
and started walking Riley around.
[audience laughing]
Yeah, we were all like, "Aww."
Riley was like, "Really?"
"Is this what we doing?"
"You gonna make me
this little rat's b*tch?"
"Is that what we doing?"
"Is the p*ssy that good?"
[audience laughing]
[Wanda chuckling]
I was like, "You gonna have
to take one for the team, man."
"It's hand-washed."
[audience laughing]
[Wanda chuckling]
Delicate.
So we got the dogs,
and and it was time
for the kids, you know?
So we talked about, you know,
parenting and and all of that,
you know, before the
before we had the kids,
and big thing that came up, Alex was like
[in French accent]
"Babe, so look, um" [smacks lips]
[inhales and blows]
"I I don't want to spank the kids, okay?"
"'Cause, you know,
I I don't think we should spank."
"It's just not good. So I hope you agree."
"'Cause, you know,
I know of your Black-ground."
I was like, "Excuse me, my what? My"
[audience laughing]
"What?"
"What the f*ck you say? My Black-ground?"
I was like, "Not a word. Uh-uh, no."
"I I I get
what you're trying to say though."
"Like culturally, African-Americans,
yeah, we we we spank the kids,
but mm-mm, we not gonna coin that
Black-ground. Mm-mm."
[audience laughing]
[Wanda chuckles]
So we said we weren't gonna spank.
And I I agree with her. I'm like, "Okay."
And then Lucas turned three.
That boy lost his mind.
Everything was like, "No, no, no. No."
He was like acting up at pre-K,
and he bit his sister.
And one day just I had enough, you know?
I was like, "Lucas, stop. Stop."
He's like, "No, no, no."
So I grabbed his little a*s. I was like
[imitates spanking]
You know, I had to do it
on a couple of occasions too.
Yeah, I was like, sh*t,
I'd rather spank you at three
than thrust kick you in your neck at 16.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
I don't wanna be here
"I am Sparta" on your a*s. [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
Olivia, never had to spank her.
Never had to spank her. Yeah.
Now, I I don't condone spanking, I don't.
But I will say this,
today, Lucas is the better kid.
[audience laughing]
[Wanda] That boy listens.
And that's the thing as parents is that
you gotta let them be, you know, right?
Yeah, you gotta let them be.
And each kid, they're individuals.
You gotta figure out what works for them.
It's not a one-size-fits-all.
You know, and you don't you don't wanna
You don't wanna crush their joy.
And I I had a hard time with that.
Because, uh [chuckles]
like, Lucas, he was outside, um,
getting rid of the the the packaging
that the dog food comes in.
That That was That was his thing.
He liked doing that.
Because the packaging, it would, um
You put water on it, and it dissolves.
So he loved taking care of that.
So one day he was out there,
and he threw the stuff in the garden.
He was watering it.
And he goes,
"Oh boy, this is so satisfying."
[audience laughing]
Exactly, I wanted to laugh,
and and I wanted to tell him,
"Hey, man, don't say that out loud.
You sound weird."
[audience laughing]
"People gonna People gonna laugh at you.
You don't Don't You can't say that."
But I told myself, Wanda, let the boy be.
Just leave him alone.
That's his thing, leave him alone.
But it made me laugh though,
because I pictured myself saying that
in front of my mother.
You know, if I was a kid
out there doing that,
and been like,
"Oh boy, this is so satisfying,"
my mother would've made sure
that I never got to do that again.
[audience laughing]
She would've been, "You give me this
and you get your butt in the house,
Miss Satisfied."
[audience laughing]
"It ain't supposed to be satisfying."
"Wait till I tell your father,
you out here being satisfied."
[audience laughing]
That've been my new nickname.
Hey, y'all, here come Miss Satisfied.
[audience laughing]
[Wanda chuckling]
Olivia's thing, she she would go
in and out of a British accent.
Yeah, that was her thing.
And and it was jarring
because you didn't know when it was
when it was coming, you know?
Like, and she I'd say,
"Oh, hey, Olivia, how was school?"
"Oh, it was pretty good."
"All right, cool.
You got a lot of homework?"
"No, not too much, but I do have
[in British accent]
a bit of mathematics."
[audience laughing]
What the hell is wrong with her?
She would do it so often
that I googled it.
I was like,
"American white kids, British accent."
I got some results.
It said maybe 'cause
they watched Peppa Pig.
And I was like, "Nope.
They watched it in French,
so that ain't it."
And the next one
I thought was really interesting.
They say
it's actually a a soothing technique.
Yeah, it's it's a stress reliever
for American kids
to speak in a British accent.
Yeah, yeah.
I was like, "Well, that makes sense
because the Brits got
healthcare and g*n control."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
Yeah, our kids over here
doing active sh**ter drills.
What the hell, you know?
Yeah, and to all the educators out there
and future educators, God bless y'all.
I love you and thank you.
God bless you and what you're doing.
Because it it's wrong. It's wrong.
We shouldn't be putting our kids
and our teachers through this sh*t.
We should Right?
It And it's traumatizing.
Lucas came home one day,
and he's like, "So we had a drill today."
I was like, "Yeah, man,
I know, I got the text."
He's like,
"So now they're telling us, like, um,
to to to just lay down and play dead."
He's like, "Yeah, so, what,
the sh**ter comes in,
hasn't fired one b*llet,
but we're all dead?"
[audience laughing]
And he was making this face like,
"What the f*ck, Mom?" Like
[audience laughing]
[chuckling] And it broke my heart.
I was like, "Lucas,
I'm so sorry, sweetheart."
"YouYou shouldn't
have to go through this."
"You You know what?
Some dog food came today, here."
[audience laughing]
"You go ahead out there
and satisfy yourself."
[audience cheering and applauding]
"Where Where's your sister?
Is Olivia home?"
"Hey, Olivia, honey, would you like
[in British accent] a spot of tea?"
[audience laughing]
[Wanda chuckling]
You wanna protect your kids, man, you do.
I You know, I I think about,
you know, uh, like,
uh, you know, Olivia, you know,
and and and I worry about her
because how women's healthcare
is just under attack, right?
I mean, all these bans
these ab*rtion bans out here,
all you're doing is k*lling women.
It's about controlling women.
That's what it is.
They are just
It is about controlling our bodies.
That's what they want.
If they were really concerned about
unwanted pregnancies,
then they should be able to pass some laws
where they could actively participate in
participate in curbing the issue, right,
curbing the problem.
Like, why don't they pass a law
like, um, when a boy goes through puberty,
he has to have a vasectomy, right?
[audience laughing]
Fellas, just to show some accountability,
I think all guys y'all should get
your p*nis chipped and registered.
[audience laughing]
So we can keep an eye on these dicks.
[audience laughing]
I even want an app, Find My d*ck.
[audience cheering and laughing]
[Wanda laughing]
[Wanda sighing]
Guys, some of y'all are
just too fertile too fertile, yeah.
So I think we should
take you down to to one ball. One ball.
You don't need both of them.
Two ba*ls, that's overkill.
So we're gonna take one ball,
and to keep your balance,
we'll replace it with a squeaky toy.
[squeaking]
[audience laughing]
That'd be fun.
Oh, your dog will be so excited
when you come home.
[squeaking]
[audience laughing]
Lord.
So Alex and I,
we've been together almost 20 years.
Yeah, we've been together almost 20 years.
[audience cheers and applauds]
Like all relationships,
there's there's some ups and downs,
and but I I don't really think
she was aware of the down, you know?
[hesitates] 'Cause it was
it was my issue. It was my issue.
I was having this problem
'cause I thought she was trying
to put gender roles on us.
You know, like like, making me feel
like the the man or something.
[splutters] This is what she was doing.
She would say stuff like
[in French accent] "Um, you know, babe,
you you haven't given me a kiss today."
"No bisou pour moi?"
And And I was like,
"Oh, yeah, baby, sure."
And then I thought about it,
I'm like, wait a minute. You got lips.
[audience laughing]
The hell I gotta initiate? If you want
a kiss, just kiss. I'll kiss you back.
Or she'll go
[in French accent] "Babe, um,
you haven't told me you love me today."
"Non je t'aime mon cur, non?"
I'm like, well, if you need to hear it,
I mean, you know I love you, just say it.
I'll say it back, you know?
Or Or I'm at work, you know,
and I'm filming all day.
And yeah, it's it's
it's been a long day, right?
And I haven't checked in or anything,
and I'll I'll just get
a text message from her.
And it's just a row of question marks.
[audience laughing]
Ooh, that irked me.
I'm like, what the hell is this?
What What What is this?
So I would just send her back this emoji.
[audience laughing]
And it was really bugging me.
Like, what is What the hell, man?
I didn't sign up for this sh*t.
What Why does she need me to do this,
need me to do that?
And then it hit me,
it was like, oh. Oh, okay.
I'm in a relationship.
[audience laughs]
I get it.
Yeah, I'm in a relationship.
And in order for a relationship
to function,
one of you has to be needy.
[audience laughing]
Yeah. And if you're not laughing,
you're the needy one.
[audience laughing]
You hear that?
You're welcome, non-needy people.
But it's good, needy people. We need you.
We need you to be needy
so we can participate in a relationship.
Now, I know what I need to do.
So yeah, I I, you know
Oh yes, I check in with her.
I tell her I love her.
'Cause Yeah,
'cause that's what she needs.
And it's it's fine
because that's you know,
that's what makes a relationship.
Like, I couldn't be in a relationship
with another me.
It would be like
not being in a relationship.
[audience laughing]
I'm not checking in with me.
I don't give a f*ck where I am.
[audience laughing]
I don't need to talk to me all the time.
That would get on my nerves.
I'd be like, "Hey, look, let's just go,
no news is good news, all right?"
[audience laughing]
But now that I know,
you know, what she needs,
it's like, okay, cool, I get it.
You know, I check in.
I even share my location with her.
Okay, that was by accident.
I'mma be honest with you.
That was not intentional.
I was putting the phones up,
you know, for the kids,
and I did the family thing.
I was like, uh-oh, but
And now I I can't turn it off.
It'll look suspicious.
[audience laughing]
Although I don't care I don't care
if she knows my whereabouts.
I don't. It's not like I'm doing anything.
I don't cheat.
No, 'cause one, I'm too lazy to cheat.
[audience laughing]
Yeah, I'm I'm not trying
to learn another birthday.
[audience laughing]
Pretend to listen to another conversation.
"Oh, really? Mm."
[Wanda chuckling]
Only time it's in my mind
about her, uh, knowing my whereabouts
is when I'm at a casino.
'Cause she hates when I'm in a casino.
She's like [in French accent] "Babe,
I don't like for you to, you know"
[inhales and blows] "be in the casino.
It's just not healthy for you."
"You know, you you don't go to sleep."
"You stay up all night,
and, you know, you you drink too much."
"It's just not good for you, you know?"
Oh, by the way, Alex doesn't smoke.
This is just how I see her. This is just
[audience laughing]
[scattered applause]
But she's right. She's right.
I'm horrible in a casino.
Oh man, I light up
when I go into a casino, man.
I I I'm like them kids
in that movie Weapons in a casino.
I just see it. I'm just
[audience laughing]
[chuckling] I love a casino, man.
I like casinos so much
that, um, I volunteered
to take my friend to the airport
because there was a casino
like ten minutes away.
[audience laughing]
Yeah, I'm like,
"Oh yeah, I got you girl. I got you"
So I dropped my friend off.
I was like, mm,
let me stop off at the casino.
A couple of hours, in the middle
of the of the day, no harm, no foul.
So I pull up, and, uh
and I get my phone out of the cup holder.
And then I look at my phone.
I went, "Oh sh*t, she knows, right?"
So I [chuckles]
Close the door, get the hell out of there.
I was like, "She knows."
And I was frustrated.
I was like, damn, you know?
And I thought about it.
I was like, "You know what, Wanda?
I mean, come on, think about it."
"You You You're blessed.
You got someone who loves you
and who's looking out for you."
"You know, don't
don't be like this. Yeah."
And that's And that's what we gotta do.
We gotta look out for each other.
And so on the way home,
I drove by my church
[audience laughing]
and I threw my phone in the Bible study
and went back to the casino.
[audience laughing and applauding]
[audience cheering]
You know what, y'all?
This This has just been amazing.
And I think about, you know, 40 years ago,
and I was sitting out there
watching performances up here.
And now I'm standing up here.
[audience cheering and applauding]
God is amazing.
Thank y'all so much, Hampton. I love you.
God bless you.
[marching band playing "We Are One"]
We are one
We are one
We are one
We are one
We are one
We are one
We are one
We are one
We are one
We are one
[music fades]
[marching band music playing]
[group chants]
[Wanda] Woo!
[indistinct chatter]
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Wanda Sykes: Legacy (2026)
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