EERIE CHAN(PHONE RINGS)
EERIE CHANT RISES
(MAN SPEAKS WITH
AMERICAN ACCENT) "You awake?"
Yeah.
"Tales?"
Yes. Who's this?
"Truth. I represent a client in
need of an immediate tattoo."
Alright.
"My client is an extremely
successful and well-known musician."
"How soon can you be at the shop?"
Er...
"He can pay."
Er... er, 20 minutes?
Er...
I can be there in... 20 minutes.
See you in 20.
(DOGS BARK)
What?
TRUTH: Shh.
(SPEAKER CRACKLES)
(GRUNGY GUITAR PLAYS)
For f*ck's sake...
SCREAMO
(SCREAMO MUSIC PLAYS)
(MUFFLED MUSIC)
LOUD SCREAMO
OK...
f*cking hell!
Alright?
You must be Tales?
Yeah.
I'm not late, am I?
We said 20 minutes.
And that was like 12, 13 minutes,
so if we said 20 minutes, I'm not late...
We were outside when we called.
Tales. Nice to meet you.
Truth.
Truth, we spoke on the phone.
Yeah.
- Tales.
- Yeah.
And this man needs no introduction.
(MAN WHISTLES)
(WHISTLES)
Oh...
(WHISTLES)
Hi, Tales.
Nice to meet you.
Hey...
You gonna invite us inside?
Sorry. Yeah, yeah.
Come in. I was...
Yeah, yeah. Come in.
Er... (CLEARS HIS THROAT)
Make yourself at home.
Er, sorry about the mess
and everything, I've...
I'm helping a mate move flats,
so his sh*t's in the corner.
(SCREAMO PLAYS) Can you turn that off?
Yeah. Yeah, no problem, man. No problem.
(MUSIC CRACKLES OFF)
So, can I get you guys some drinks?
Tea? Coffee? Beer? Whisky?
(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) Vodka?
You're a bubblegum man.
What?
Me too.
Oh!
Yeah, yeah...
Cool.
Well, there's an interesting energy here.
Thanks, man.
You think it's the right fit?
Let's take a picture. Let's see.
Uh-huh.
Um...
(TRUTH LAUGHS)
TRUTH: This might be the one.
- Give me some.
- Mm-hm.
- Give me some.
- Mm.
(CAMERA BEEPS)
Go ahead.
(GROWLS)
TRUTH: Ahh!
- Woo-hoo!
- It's a fit, right?
TRUTH: It's a fit, baby.
Give me more smoke. Give me some smoke.
(CAMERA SNAPS)
(TRUTH LAUGHS)
Ah...
- Just like we talked about.
- Just like we talked about.
(THEY LAUGH, HIGH FIVE)
Here, do you...
Do you mind if I, er...
Do you mind if I get a...
a little photograph too?
My, er
my niece, she's a
she's like a big fan, or whatever.
Sure. Step right up.
Give it a try, yeah.
TALES: Cool, cool.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, she's gonna
she's gonna love this
sh*t, man. She's, er...
But, er...
Sorry, sorry, just...
Can't find my cam... Yup,
there we go. OK, cool.
Hey, Tales.
Yeah.
Down there. That's the best spot.
Yeah, man. I was thinking I was gonna...
You know what, I really think
down there is the best spot.
- Trust me.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Like, boom?
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah, OK.
- Could go
a little lower.
OMINOUS PIANO CHORD
- Lower?
- Uh-huh.
Yeah?
Get that angle, that shot, you know?
- OK, cool.
- You know?
- Yeah, OK. Like...
- A little lower.
- OK...
- There you go.
You know what?
A little lower.
Lower than this?
- I'm... I'm trying to help you.
- Lower than this?
Help get that shot, come on.
Yeah? OK... (LAUGHS)
TALES: Alright, here we go.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, alright.
- No, it does look good.
- There you go.
OK, cool.
So your niece, huh?
Yeah.
What's her name?
Er, her name's Lola.
Alright, here we go. Three, two, one...
You know what, maybe we do this after?
You know?
(TALES PISSES)
CIRCLING GUITAR MELODY, CHANT RESOUNDS
TRUTH: Hey, Tales!
What's happening in there?
Nothing. I'll... I'll be right out.
I can hear the urine stream's ended, man.
Yeah, just a minute.
Don't be just lurking in the bathroom
when there's a man out
here that needs inked.
(TATTOO g*n BUZZES)
(PHONE BEEPS)
(g*n BUZZES)
So, how did you hear about me?
I told you, he's meditating.
Don't talk to him whilst he's meditating.
(PHONE RINGS)
Just gonna add some really fine detail.
(PHONE RINGS)
(NEEDLE BUZZES)
(NEEDLE STOPS)
What?
What is it?
(CLEARS THROAT)
(NEEDLE BUZZES)
If I needed glasses to do my job,
I would wear the glasses to do my job.
From the start.
(PHONE RINGS)
That phone hasn't stopped ringing
since you came out the bathroom.
You don't find that distracting?
(SIGHS) No.
You're not curious who's calling
you in the middle of the night?
(PHONE BEEPS)
No.
Well, I'm curious, Tales.
(NEEDLE BUZZES)
You send that picture to somebody?
You know I did. I sent it to my niece.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
In the middle of the night?
Yeah.
How old is she, Tales?
Six.
No, seven.
What's her name?
What the f*ck is this?
Why are you interrogating me?
I told you,
her name's Lola.
(PHONE RINGS)
You've got some murky sh*t going on.
I can sense it.
Relax, T.
I got this.
Besides,
Tales is doing a good job.
(SIRENS BLARE IN THE DISTANCE)
Who's Francesca, Tales?
Your murky sh*t better not
splatter on us, m*therf*cker.
(NEEDLE BUZZES)
(PHONE RINGS)
(PHONE RINGS)
(STOPS)
TRUTH: So, what's the
verdict? Are we happy?
Just give me a minute.
I'm... assimilating.
(PHONE RINGS)
I need to, er
take a piss.
Don't be long, man. (DOOR SHUTS)
(DIAL TONE)
"Oh, hi."
Oh, hi. What's happening?
(TALES PISSES) "Well, you tell me."
"Why are you sending pictures of random men"
"to your daughter in
the middle of the night?"
What are you talking about? Random men?
"I've had to come off shift
and have Steve tell me"
"you were sending
pictures, yes, random men..."
Why's Steve got Lola's phone?
"Probably coked out of your mind.
"Steve's got Lola's phone cos she's seven,
"and you don't leave a seven year old"
"with a phone on a school night."
"No, you don't. She shouldn't
even have the phone."
Steve is a f*cking dweeb.
"This isn't about Steve..."
Must be the only person in the
world who doesn't know who that is.
"Start being a responsible father."
Yeah, it's about me.
Have you seen the picture?
"In the way we talked about.
No, I haven't see the picture."
"I've only just left the hospital..."
Right, so you haven't seen
the picture. Wait a second...
- "It doesn't matter."
- I'm sending it to you now.
f*cking hell...
Right, have you got it?
"Look, Tim, I'm actually driving right now,"
"so I can't deal with this nonsense..."
Well wait, and look at
the f*cking photograph...
"Oh, my God. Fine, fine. Hang on. Hang on."
Have you got it?
"Tim, this could literally be anyone."
- Yeah, well it's not anyone.
- "Tim, just listen to me..."
That is a picture of an extremely famous...
"Forget about whoever it is, listen"
you definitely know, who's in my shop
"looking after your daughter tomorrow..."
I've not got time for this.
"Do not spend the night getting wasted."
I've got to go, he's got to pay.
I'll call you back in a bit, alright?
"Stop and f*cking listen
to me, Tim..." (HANGS UP)
f*cking "random men"!
(PULLS FLUSH)
Hmm... Nah, it's cute, man.
I like it.
Cool.
Cool. Er, glad you like it.
Yeah. You've been paid.
Thanks, Tales.
TRUTH: Right, let's
get the f*ck out of here.
See you later, Tales.
Yeah, yeah. I was wondering...
- Erm...
- Uh-huh?
Er...
Just cos you said you liked
the tattoo and everything,
and well, we were saying earlier if...
If I could, er... you know.
If I could get
a selfie.
Oh, for your niece.
Yeah, for my niece. She's
a big fan and, you know...
Just a wee picture for my niece.
Can you get a selfie for your niece?
Hm...
No.
What?
No.
What, are you serious?
Yeah.
He's serious.
Ah, no! What?
No, you're joking?
You're funny... funny guys. Yeah?
You just said you liked
the tattoo, I thought...
Why would you not just
let me take a quick picture?
You asked me a question.
So I'm free to answer how I choose. Right?
So I choose no.
Alright, but choosing no
makes you a bit of an arsehole.
TRUTH: Hey, hey. Who do
you think you're talking to?
Whoa, f*cking... lads, calm down.
Right... no, look.
It'll take two seconds.
Look, I'll just get it up...
Don't even think about it.
Alright. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, mate, please.
Bro, just respect the no.
Am I being unreasonable here? (TRUTH SIGHS)
You said you liked the tattoo,
I've just spent two hours doing your tattoo
in the middle of the f*cking night.
Which you got paid for.
Think I wanna be here in
the middle of the f*cking night?
Mate, come on! It's for my niece!
For a six-year-old girl.
You... you said she was seven.
- Oh...
- OK.
Let's do this.
Thank you.
f*cking hell...
LOW CHANT BUILDS
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
What?
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
You heard me.
- What?
- You heard me.
So... Er...
OK.
OK, I'll erm
I'll rub my tummy.
Yeah? Yeah?
Happy?
Can I get a selfie now?
Again. Rub your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
- OK...
- How does that feel? Easy, right?
It... it feels pretty weird.
But yeah, easy.
Well, let's see how a million times feels.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Alright, OK, I get it.
I get it, I get it.
OK, you get asked for
selfies a lot? That's it, right?
No. You don't get it.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
No, I'm pretty sure I do. But
yeah, it costs me nothing, so...
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
- Cos I'm not an as*h*le.
- Mm.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
I'll keep rubbing it.
Yeah? I'll keep doing it.
Yeah, keep doing it. Rub your
tummy, or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
OK. I'll keep rubbing it.
Cos I'm not an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Give me a f*cking selfie.
Keeping rubbing it. Rub it!
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Mm-hm.
Rub that tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
- Rub your tummy or I'll think...
- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
- TRUTH: Tales?
- Mm-hm.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
TRUTH: Come on, man.
You're gonna be here all night.
You really want to do this?
Yeah.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Just give me a selfie, man.
Just give me a selfie. One selfie.
Again. Rub your tummy or
I'll think you're an as*h*le.
I'm rubbing it. I can keep rubbing it.
That's great. Keep it
coming. Rub your tummy...
I can do this all night.
I can do eternity.
I can do it longer.
Oh, OK. Well then, rub your
tummy, or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
- Yeah? Just like that?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Rub your tummy or
I'll think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy or I'll think...
I'm rubbing it, man.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
- Can I get a selfie?
- Er
no. Rub your tummy, or
I'll think you're an as*h*le.
I can do this f*cking all night, man.
Keep it rubbing. Rub your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
TRUTH: Hey, Tales, Tales.
Give me a f*cking selfie.
- No. Rub your tummy...
- Give me a f*cking selfie.
Hey, hey, Tales.
No hard feelings, man.
OK.
How about
we leave you to get on with
whatever murky personal sh*t
you got going on, and
we go our separate ways?
- OK. Yeah.
- Mm-hm?
Yeah, yeah. Let's let it go.
- OK.
- Just, er...
Let's get that selfie.
And then we'll call it quits.
Yeah?
No. Rub your tummy, or
I'll think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
All night, baby.
So, my man, what are we thinking?
There's a thing happening here.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Like a... like a real thing, you know?
So just go outside and
chill in the car till I'm ready.
TALES: Ooh!
- OK.
- TALES: Oh, man.
Ah...
Oh, my hand's
it's getting tired with all
this difficult tummy rubbing.
Oh, you're joking now. I see.
Well, rub your tummy, or
I'll think you're an as*h*le.
Oh, now I know how
how painful it must be to
to take all those...all those
selfies with those kids that
that buy your music.
Give me a f*cking selfie,
you sad little man, come on.
Kids? You... you think it's kids who ask...
So difficult! Oh wait, no.
No, no, it's actually really f*cking easy.
Oh, OK, well then, keep rubbing your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
- So f*cking easy, man.
- Rub your tummy.
As easy as taking a little selfie.
For a little f*cking girl.
OK, well, it's so easy,
keep rubbing your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
Let it go, Tales.
Trust me, let it go.
Why don't you tell him to let it go?
No, man. You don't understand.
You are tangling with a
being from a higher plane.
What, you think he's better than me?
He better than you.
I'm just warning you.
f*ck off.
(THE SINGER CHUCKLES)
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
- I'll be outside if y'all need me.
- Thanks, T.
Nice to meet you, Truth.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
OK...
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
TALES: Just to be
clear, you actually think
- this motion, right?
- Yeah.
That's it. That's all
you've asked me to do.
- Cos you've f*cked it for yourself.
- Oh, have I?
You could have said hop on one leg...
(TRUTH SIGHS)
(DOGS BARK IN DISTANCE)
(MEN SHOUT)
Ah...
OK.
(MAN SCREAMS, WINDOW SMASHES)
(CAR ALARM SOUNDS)
Get me the f*ck out of here.
(WHISTLES)
You're a really talented
artist. You know that?
Thanks.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
(SNIGGERS)
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
(PHONE BEEPS)
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le...
Yeah, I've got to make a call. But erm
don't worry, I'll keep rubbing my tummy.
Oh, I know you will.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
- "Why is he still there?"
- He's leaving soon.
Rub your tummy...
"I mean, surely he's got
somewhere better to be?"
"I mean, if that's who you say it is."
If? What do you mean "if"?
Do you need another picture?
- Cos I'll get you one.
- "No, I don't care..."
I can't hear you rubbing
"I just wanted to check"
"you're still looking forward
to your weekend with Lola."
Check? What do you mean check?
Can I "check" that you're looking
forward to your weekend with Steve?
"(SIGHS) Oh, f*cking hell,
there's no need to be defensive."
Yeah, well there's no need checking on me.
Keep going! Come on, baby.
Alright? Of course
I'm looking forward to it.
you're an as*h*le...
I'm really looking forward to it.
"Yeah, so's Lola."
"I just really want it to go well, OK?"
Rub your tummy or I'll think
you're an as*h*le. You even there?
Are you... I don't hear any tummy rubbing.
Yeah, it's,
so do I.
Oh, there you go!
Mm!
That's f*cking sweet.
I was actually thinking we
could go to like... get a cottage,
go for a walk, nature
hikes, and all that... pish.
(FRANCESCA LAUGHS)
"Well, I do love the idea of
you up a hill in skinny jeans."
Er
I...I don't wear skinny jeans anymore.
"Ah! So you've booked somewhere then?"
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Yeah. Yeah, I've booked somewhere.
"Can you send me an address?"
Why?
"In case of emergencies."
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Why would there be an emergency?
"Tim, can you just get Roxy
to send me the address?"
"Is Roxy going?"
"Tim, is... is Roxy going?"
Er...
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le
I actually...
I actually thought maybe it would
be nice if it was just the two of us.
"OK."
- You know?
"OK, but I mean Lola
really likes Roxy, so..."
"I mean, I think it would
be nice if she went..."
Roxy's busy, so...
"OK."
think you're an as*h*le. Hm-hm-hm-hm.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le...
"I do want to see you happy, Tim.
"I want this to work."
"For Lola's sake, but
for your sake too. I..."
"You need this more
than I think you realise."
Yeah, well, I've got to go, so erm...
"Alright, Tim. Just... I..."
I was... we're actually gonna get a
a selfie together
before he leaves, so...
I think, er... I think Lola
might find that pretty cool.
"Lola already thinks you're cool, OK?
"Because she's a child."
"What she needs is for
you to be there, alright?"
"You need to be there when
she finishes school tomorrow."
"Do you understand?"
Yeah, I...
Yeah, I just don't think that
you're like registering how, like,
big a deal this is that
he's in my shop, so...
"Alright, fine, Tim, I
get it, congratulations.
"I'm happy for you, alright? Just...
"Just get some sleep, OK?"
"She can be pretty exhausting."
Uh-huh.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
(INHALES)
(GENTLY) Rub your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
(BOXING MATCH PLAYS ON PHONE)
COMMENTATOR: "Mike Tyson..."
Oh, damn...
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
You sure you don't have
somewhere better to be?
No.
I told you.
I'm not going anywhere
until I get that selfie.
That's kinda sad. Rub your
tummy, or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
I could say the same about you.
I mean, yeah, you could.
But come on...
So why are you here?
Maybe I like you.
But not enough to give me a selfie?
Or maybe I don't like you.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
I don't really care
whether you like me or not.
Rub your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
OK...
See you in the morning. (SEAT BUZZES)
(WHISPERS) Rub your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
(PHONE BEEPS)
You know, every time your phone dings,
I think... well, I hope,
that you're gonna be like,
"Oh, man, my wife or
girlfriend, or whatever, texted me,
"and was wondering where I am.
"f*ck the selfie.
"f*ck the tummy rubbing."
"I've got a nice and
cosy home to go back to."
"I'm out of here."
That's what I think's gonna happen.
DRAMATIC PIANO CHORDS
GUTTERAL CHANTING
PIANO CHORDS INTENSIFY
MUSIC STOPS
I'm going nowhere.
Now give me that f*cking selfie,
or I'll think you're an arsehole.
(PHONE RINGS)
Every time you say the word
selfie it gives me the creeps.
It's like hearing your f*cking
dad say "orgasm" or something.
Dad? Dad, dad, dad...
I'm f*cking eight years older than you...
Hey, T.
I saw that as*h*le pull the shutter down.
(TALES SHOUTS) "Everything good?"
Yeah, it's all good. We're just
getting warmed up, you know.
"Getting into the dance."
Can he hear what I'm saying?
eight years older. People
say I've got a baby face. Hey?
I still get f*cking ID'd.
"Nah, he's cool."
Alright, put the poker face on, man.
I got something I want to say to you.
You ready?
TALES: It's cool, it's
cool. f*cking chill man...
Mm-hm.
Chill...
(MUFFLED BY WINDOW) Oh, cool...
Awesome...
(BANGS ON WINDOW) What's he saying?
(BANGS WINDOW) What's he saying?
- Eh?
- Bye.
What's he saying?
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
QUEASY, REPETITIVE MELODY CIRCLES
Ah, God...
(MUFFLED) Rub your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
(WHISPERS) Rub your tummy
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Please be careful with that.
- Oh, is it real?
- It's not a toy.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le!
Just, just...
- Rub your tummy...
- ..put it back, OK?
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
I'm serious man. Put it back.
Don't touch the fish. Don't
touch the fish, that's cruel.
I'm not gonna do it, I'm not gonna do it...
Rub your tummy or I'll think you're
an as*h*le (TALES LAUGHS)
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
He's mad.
an as*h*le. Rub your... (TALES LAUGHS)
tummy or I'll think you're an as*h*le...
or I'll think you're...
- Oh!
as*h*le... (BOTH LAUGH)
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le!
Rrr!
(LAUGHS) Again!
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
h*-h*-h*!
MUSIC BUILDS
Go on.
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy or I'll think you're
an as*h*le. Rub your tummy...
Oh!
Ah...
Oh, I'm not gonna say it...
Rub your tummy or I'll...
There we go!
- ..Think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le!
What?
Rub it! Rub it!
You think I'm gonna rub it?
Yeah! (MIMICS ACCENT) Rub your
tummy or I'll think you're an as*h*le!
(TALES LAUGHS) I don't
care what you think about me.
You care what I think about you.
MUSIC STOPS
Not the other way around.
Now rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're a f*cking as*h*le.
What? Come on!
You're gonna give up that easy?
I was just messing with your head.
Come on, man!
Argh!
Come on, man. Don't make me ask twice.
I know you're a free and easy-going guy,
so it's not that big of a deal.
Cos you're not an as*h*le.
Right?
Oh, yeah!
We're just getting started now.
Rub your tummy,
(SINGS) or I'll think
you're a f*cking as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le!
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) Rub your
tummy, or I'll think you're an arsehole.
(VOICES MUFFLED)
OK?
All good?
All good!
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le!
(TALES SHOUTS)
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le...
(VOICE ECHOES) Rub your
tummy, or I'll think you're an as*h*le
(ECHOES QUIETLY) rub your
tummy or I'll think you're an as*h*le
(ECHOES) rub your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
(ECHOES) Rub your tummy
or I'll think you're an as*h*le
(ECHOES) rub your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le
rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le...
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
(ECHOES) ..rub your tummy
or I'll think you're an as*h*le...
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
(ECHOES) ..rub your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le...
rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le...
(ECHOES) ..rub your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le...
(ECHO FADES)
(CAMERA CLICKS)
In the end
it comes down to stamina.
All those hopes and dreams, but
after a certain point in life
(ECHOES) rub your tummy
or I'll think you're an as*h*le
what most people really want is
to be curled up in front of the TV
front of the TV...
(VOICE ECHOES) No stamina.
No stamina.
You've seen it, right?
(VOICE ECHOES) ..no
stamina... rub your tummy...
I don't know what the
f*ck you're talking about.
I'm fine.
(BREATHES HARD) I'm fine.
I'm fine!
You know what I'm talking about
(VOICE ECHOES) rub your tummy...
You're an artist. You know
what I'm talking about
(ECHOES) you're an artist.
You know what I'm talking about
you're an artist. You're an artist.
You know what I'm talking about.
Wake up, wake up, wake up.
That golden thread of creative flow.
Once you get a glimpse
of it, life makes sense.
Everything's beautiful.
You know that if you
can just follow that thread,
it'll lead you... home.
To where you're meant to be.
Eternal life.
But keeping that thread in sight, man.
No one can do it.
No one.
ECHOING CHANBut that's just how it goes, Tales.
Nothing lasts forever.
You...
I reckon you've held on longer than most.
But nothing lasts forever.
That golden thread.
And we're just at
different points of the river.
You and I.
No shame, no judgement.
It's just life.
Nothing lasts forever.
I've got a firm grip on that thread, and
you're losing it.
(LAUGHS)
May as well just say it how it is.
Am I right?
Am I right!
Am I right?
(TALES GROWLS)
You see this?
Ooh!
No, I like it,
but you don't have the guts.
(SCREAMS)
Yeah!
Now that's commitment!
Yeah!
Woo!
I think I underestimated you, Tales.
Come on!
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Argh!
Where did this new energy come from?
TALES: From in here!
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Come on!
Rub your tummy. Rub your tummy.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
(TALES SHOUTS) Keep rubbing!
TRUTH: He what?
He what?
He what?
He what?
He what? He what?
(SCREAMO PLAYS)
Hit me!
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Hit me again. Come on. Hit me!
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
(DIAL TONE)
"Hey, T."
"Tales ate the key."
He what?
"Say that again."
(SCREAMO PLAYS)
"Make sure I heard you right."
"Yeah, you heard me. He
swallowed the key to the shop."
Uh-huh. That's what I thought you said.
"Yeah, it looks like I got
myself a real opponent here."
Yeah, you f*cking do!
"Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le."
"So I think this thing is
gonna go the distance."
I hear what you're saying.
Want me to make some calls?
"Yeah."
"I guess you better do that."
Alright, I'll call you back.
(HANGS UP)
(MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE SHOP)
(MUTTERS) You want me to
make the calls, I'll make the calls.
You want me to make the calls
I will make the calls.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Another one! Give me another one!
Say it, go on! Say it!
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
(SCREAMO BLARES)
think you're an as*h*le...
He's doing something
that's important to him as
an artist and a human being.
"Yes, I do understand that..."
It's my job to protect him as
an artist and a human being.
"Yes, I..."
- So...
Keep rubbing your tummy
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy... (BANGING ON SHUTTERS)
Tales! Hiya, it's Shimmy!
Are you in there?
items on his sch-schedule...
Hello, it's Shimmy!
(SHUTS OFF MUSIC) Shut the f*ck up!
- Tales!
- Rub your
that come into conflict
with his interests...
Hiya! Tales?
as an artist, and a human being...
"Yes, listen to me..."
I know you're in there, Tales.
- SHIMMY: I heard the music.
- Shut the f*ck up.
Rub your tummy or I'll think...
No, no...
I'm assuming that's
you I can hear in there.
I don't know who else it would be.
She'll go in a minute, OK?
Who the f*ck is she?
- Just...
- Tales?
Rub your tummy or I'll think you're...
Shh!
SHIMMY: I can't make
out what you're saying,
but I was just on my way home
from a party with some friends of mine,
and I was just passing by,
and I thought I'd see if you were
awake and wanted to hang out, maybe,
cos I know you're not staying
with your girlfriend anymore,
which is totally not my fault by the way.
Just saying.
Tales?
Tales?
"These are serious, serious commitments."
"So listen to me. Listen to me..."
OK, she's gone, she's gone.
(PHONE BEEPS THROUGH SHUTTERS)
f*ck...
OK, so you do get my messages, then?
It's pretty shitty, you know?
To sleep with someone,
and then just ignore them,
because it's like you're projecting onto me
this idea that I'm not
capable of interacting with you
like a normal person,
because you're imagining
that I'm obsessed with you,
and want to be like
girlfriend and boyfriend
"a lot of money tied up in"
which means you can't
even interact with the real me,
because you're not giving me a chance
to be myself, and express
how I actually feel...
OK, you back off.
cos you're just imagining what I feel.
And you don't know what I feel
cos you won't even talk to me.
- No, no, no.
Like, yeah, whatever,
you've got some ugly old
girlfriend, who you don't love,
and it's convenient for you that
she lets you stay at her big house...
- She got you there!
- ..cos you have a real...
"Listen to me..."
- Uh-huh.
connection with someone...
(MAN UPSTAIRS SHOUTS)
who actually gets you and likes
literally all the same bands as you,
and all the same TV shows as you,
and sees you for who you actually are,
and actually... likes you?
I get it. I do. I get it.
It's scary feeling seen.
Shut the f*ck up...
Scary when you have a
real, deep, emotional, spiritual,
and physical connection with someone.
It's scary for me too, but like
I can get past that
scariness cos I know it's worth it
when you find that one in a
million connection like we have.
Maybe you can't do that...
(BANGS ON SHUTTERS)
Maybe you're too scared. (DOGS BARK)
Maybe you're not as brave and
honest as I thought you were.
You're willing to just throw it away...
(WHISPERS) Just point the finger
to live in a nice house
with some boring old b*tch
who has no tattoos, (BANGING ABOVE)
And doesn't get what
an amazing artist you are.
MAN: Shut the f*ck up!
You shut up, you boring old f*ck!
MAN: People are trying to sleep!
cut your d*ck off and
feed it to your f*cking dog!
TRUTH: And we value... SHIMMY: b*tch!
(SHIMMY SCREAMS) And we value...
Call the police, you f*cking
pig! I'm here to talk to Tales!
MAN: Tales! Send your
f*cking friend home...
SHIMMY: You hear me, Tales?
I'm here to talk to you
whether you like it or not.
You can't just sleep with someone
and then pretend they don't exist.
Your actions have consequences...
MAN: I'm calling the police.
and I exist. Do you
hear me? I f*cking exist.
And we're connected.
And I know where you work.
And I know where you live.
And I'm not just gonna
disappear into thin air
cos you're too chicken sh*t
to deal with something real.
I'm right here, I know you're in there,
and I'm not going anywhere
until you stop ignoring...
Hi, Shimmy, hi.
Hi, it's er... it's Tales here.
Erm...
How are you doing? Sorry. Are you there?
Look, look, I'm erm...
f*ck, look, I-I'm really sorry
that I've not been in touch,
it's just my life is kind of...
falling apart at the moment,
and that... that's kind of taken
up a lot of my... my brain space.
But you're right. You're right.
I do, I owe you...
Erm, er... an explanation.
We have... a discussion, really.
So, erm
sorry.
SHIMMY: Do you want to... let me in?
Er...
Yeah, I can't...
I can't really do that at the moment.
I'm kind of, erm...
I'm kind of locked in.
You can't open the door?
No.
Because you don't want to talk to me?
No, no, I want to talk to...
I want to talk to you, it's just, well,
I've got the locksmith
coming over and everything.
You know, I'm... I'm literally...
Listen, look, you're
you're a really, really great girl...
Woman. Person.
But I just think that... that
what happened between us...
I'm not doing this through a metal door.
Er, OK...
Would, er... do you...
do you want to go for a
coffee, or?
A coffee!
Are you serious?
Alright then, when?
Er, well...
- Er...
- Tomorrow?
Well, maybe...
Or today? Whatever. You
know, when the sun comes up.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tomorrow, today. Later.
Yeah, that sounds good. That's... yeah.
- Mm-hm.
- You promise?
Er, yeah, I promise. I promise.
OK. That'll be nice, maybe.
(SIRENS APPROACH)
I should probably go.
OK. Yeah, that's fine.
Er, well, it was nice talking to you.
(SIRENS BLARE)
(SIRENS PASS)
Shimmy?
Shimmy?
Are you... are you... are you there, or?
Are you gone?
- Tales, man...
- Don't.
I got to say...
Don't. Don't. Just f*cking don't.
OK?
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Urgh...
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
I mean, we can talk about it, if you want.
(TAP RUNS)
(KETTLE COMES TO THE BOIL)
(PHONE BEEPS)
(KETTLE CLICKS OFF)
(VOICE ECHOES) Rub your
tummy, or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
(ECHOES) Rub your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
DARK SYNTH THROBS
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
(VOICES ECHO) Rub
your tummy or I'll think
no stamina
rub your tummy
rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le,
or I'll think you're a f*cking as*h*le.
(DIAL TONE)
"Yo, T. What's up?"
- Hey.
So...
"Mm-hm?"
I spoke to the powers that be, and...
reading between the lines
of what can and can't be done...
Uh-huh?
"I'm gonna be honest with you, man."
If we're not on the road
within the next three hours,
the consequences are pretty real.
Three hours?
"Uh-huh".
Three hours. Max.
Pretty real?
Pretty real.
Clear the next
48 hours.
"You sure?"
- Yeah.
Do it.
"I'm on it."
You got to be kidding me.
Time to crank this sh*t up.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
You're just being cruel now.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
You can't care about this this much.
Care about what? Rub your
tummy, or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le...
Just give me the photograph, man.
Please.
- Look, this is gonna be really...
- Just give me the selfie.
- Good for you.
- Just give me the selfie.
Rub your tummy...
- Please.
- Push through the pain.
Let's see where this goes.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
- You can do it.
- Just give me the selfie.
- Look into my eyes.
- Just give me the selfie.
- You can f*cking do this.
- Please, please...
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
- I need this, man.
- Just dream, man.
Just give me the selfie.
- Rub your tummy...
- Give me the selfie.
I got big shoulders, OK?
You're just gonna get on them,
and you're gonna reach for the stars.
- Alright?
- Just give me the selfie.
Let's see where this goes.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
(TALES GROANS) This is
gonna be so good for you.
So, so good.
(TALES SCREAMS)
Rub your tummy... (HE SCREAMS)
What the f*ck am I doing?
What the f*ck am I doing?
I've f*cked it!
I've f*cked it...
I've f*cked it! What the
f*ck am I doing? (SOBS)
What the f*ck am I doing?
What the f*ck am I...
(TALES SHOUTS)
- Just breathe, OK? Just breathe.
- I've f*cked...
Why am I even asking
for your f*cking permission,
like a f*cking dog?
f*ck this, man. f*ck this.
You f*ck!
You don't want to do that.
- Yeah?
- No.
I'm getting you in focus this time...
(TALES SHOUTS, FALLS)
Everything alright?
(TALES GROANS)
(MUTED BY SHUTTERS) ..f*ck off!
(TALES GROANS, PHONE BUZZES)
TALES: Urgh!
And
delete.
You can't cheat, man.
(PHONE BUZZES)
The game's no good if
you cheat, you understand?
We're all good, T.
We're all good.
(KNOCK ON SHUTTERS)
OK.
Are we all good?
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
You're f*cking pushing it.
That's the game.
But you're right.
Let's take a break. Hm?
What the
f*cking hell.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
f*ck's sake...
No, no, no, no...
(BASHES SINK)
(DOOR OPENS)
Hey, man.
You out of juice?
I got a spare.
One bubblegum man to another.
Thanks.
(EXHALES) Oh...
GENTLE STRING MUSIC
(VOICE ECHOES SOFTLY) Rub your
tummy or I'll think you're an as*h*le...
GENTLE VIOLIN MELODY
rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le
(VOICE ECHOES) rub your
tummy, or I'll think you're an as*h*le...
Hey, man. Can
can we just talk...for a bit? I
I'll...I'll keep rubbing my tummy,
but can we just like drop
the phrase, and talk, cos
man, I got a lot of stuff
I need to get off my chest.
Yeah, I do too, actually.
Yeah, OK. But one at a time, yeah?
Cos look, cards on the table, man,
my life is a f*cking mess right now.
I mean, my
my girlfriend...
Well, no. My ex, I suppose.
Roxy, she
she kicked me out of her flat,
and now... I'm living here.
Alright? There you have it.
I'm living here. And it's f*cking sh*t.
She'd always be on my back about the money,
and the business, and our future,
and she wanted other
tattoo artists in here with me.
She wanted a separate room for piercings!
She said I needed to grow up.
I told her she was being a
boring b*tch and to f*ck off.
Like, I thought when I was with Roxy,
I thought that I was finding
someone who got me, who got this.
Cos Francesca, she... she never got it.
I mean, shagging her was
the best thing I ever did,
cos it got me Lola, right?
But she... but oh, my God...
Wait.
So... Lola's your daughter?
VIOLIN STOPS
That's new information.
No, man. That's not...
That's not what I'm...
That's not... You're missing the point.
You're missing what I'm saying.
VIOLIN RESUMES Like... look...
Roxy was all about this place
being a certain way for business...
Wait, just a quick question. MUSIC STOPS
Erm... it's just been
bugging me for a while.
What's the deal with Shutter Girl?
Shutter...
Oh.
Shimmy.
DISCORDANT PIANO MUSIC
I don't know, man.
I don't know what...
I don't fu...
Look, I went out, I got f*cked.
I was upset, I was angry.
And I went, and I
I bumped in... Ah, I
f*cking...these teen...
You know, they're not... I
don't know, I thought she was...
- She looks older. I mean...
- She's a teenager?
- Ah...
- How old is she?
I bumped into a bunch of these...
You know, they looked like me.
I mean, they look like
me when I was... them.
Tee... you were saying, like teenagers?
I... OK, right, context.
There was a big g*ng of them. Right?
And they saw me, they thought I was cool...
- Big g*ng of teenagers?
- You know...
So you were like, yeah, let's
go get f*cked up with some...
They thought I was cool!
They thought I was cool! And it felt good.
It felt good!
To be cool! And there's
nothing wrong with that.
There's nothing wrong with that, is there?
GENTLE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
Well, I mean, I'm
really f*cking cool, so...
Exactly, man, there's
nothing wrong with being cool.
They saw me, they came over
to me, they asked what I did.
I said, "I do tattoos." They
said, "We want tattoos."
I had them back here and,
you know, we were drinking,
and I was doing some tats - for free!
Cool... cool thing to do right there.
But... by doing tattoos
legally, in this established,
I had to get forms from them,
I had to make sure they were
over 18, all that kind of sh*t...
So you checked... you
checked all their IDs?
I checked all their IDs,
because I was not willing to give
them my booze not knowing that...
- OK, OK...
- I'm not some f*cking creep.
- Alright?
- So, just one question.
How old was Shimmy?
ORCHESTRAL MUSIC STOPS
She's...
She's 19.
Very soon. Very soon.
They were young people. OK?
That's all I saw. Alright?
OK.
Young people, OK? I'm young... ish.
It's like I'm...
It's like I'm under a spell
or something, you know?
Cos if I...
I can't see when I'm
being a bad guy, you know?
I mean, you're not a bad guy.
Well actually, maybe you are a bad guy...
I mean, I remember when I was a teenager,
seeing guys the age that I
am now shagging my pals,
and thinking, who the f*ck
are you, you manky old b*stard?
And now I am that manky old b*stard.
When the f*ck did that happen?
Yeah, that's just you trying
to fight against the river, man.
You're trying to swim upstream,
you're not going with the
flow, cos that's how I got this.
Yes, you're very wise.
I mean
there's some pretty angry people
out there as a consequence, but
technically, yes, it's done.
"You are free to do whatever
you want for the next 48 hours."
That's good news, isn't it, Tales?
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Ya'll hungry?
Nah, Tales ate the key, so he's all good.
"Alright."
- Thanks, T.
(SNAPS PHONE SHUT) Rub your
tummy, or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
How's your next 48 hours looking, Tales?
Rub your tummy, or I'll think...
Yeah, yeah, I just wanted
to double, triple check
what time she gets out of school?
Just cos I know it's a Friday, so
she might have a half day, or...
"No. Lola finishes
school every day at 3.30."
PM?
"What?"
Yeah, no, no. Of course, PM.
- Sorry, I'm just...
- "Yes. 3.30pm".
- Just really tired.
- "Is that gonna be a problem?"
(GROANS)
"Tim? Tim, is that going to be a problem?"
My brain is f*cking mush, man.
"Tim?"
MAN: "You can't trust a word that
comes out of that man's mouth."
- "Oh, shut up, Steve."
- What the f*ck has Steve said?
"Don't say f*ck to me."
- Sorry...
"Please can you just set my mind
to rest that you'll definitely be there
"to pick Lola up when she finishes school,
"so me and Steve can just go away"
"and enjoy our f*cking
weekend without worrying."
OK, yeah, no, I'm 100% gonna be there.
105%
"Tim, I am trusting you with..."
(HANGS UP)
Look, mate, it's out of my control.
There's nothing I can do, there's...
- MAN: "What's the problem?"
- It's the building, there's a...
There's a problem with the, er...
"Why are you cancelling?"
- Er...
- Plumbing.
Plumbing. There's a problem
with the plumbing, man.
Like f*cking sh*t hitting
the walls, you know...
- "Aye, aye. I'm not happy..."
- Yeah, I know, I know.
"Just gie us my deposit back..."
You'll get your deposit
back, man, just calm
"Danny said you're a
flaky f*cking c**t, man."
Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
"Not happy. I'm not happy, man..."
- OK, bye. Sorry.
- "I'm not happy."
(HANGS UP) f*ck.
I just lost a lot of money.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Yeah, man, I'm cancelling all appointments,
it's not just yours, you're
not like a special case.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
- "Are you taking a sh*t?"
- I'm not, I'm not.
Look, mate, I just told
you, the plumbing's f*cked.
So I couldn't take a sh*t if I wanted to.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
f*ck!
Ah...
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Sorry, man, I'm not feeling very well.
If we could cancel until next week,
that... that would be great for me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well... well f*ck off.
f*ck off. Well, find
another f*cking artist.
f*ck...
(GAGS)
Oh, I was just sick in my mouth a bit.
Plumbing trouble?
Oh, shut up.
It's just coffee on an empty
t-tum
stomach.
That's cool. You're free to f*ck up
your business whenever you like.
Just rub your tummy...
My business?
Yeah. You're so free, man.
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
See, that's the problem with you.
You see all this, and all you
think about is the f*cking money.
There's nothing wrong
with making money, OK?
You have no concept of
the actual value of f*cking art.
Rub your tummy, or I'll think...
(BELCHES) This place could burn down,
and it wouldn't matter,
because I would still be an artist.
I'd still be an artist.
Alright? Because there are
literally hundreds of people out there.
Hundreds of people.
With my masterpieces
imprinted on their skin.
What have you got? Huh?
f*cking... two minute, conveyor belt,
disposable, trash f*cking noise,
that will be forgotten as soon as
the next bubblegum pish comes along.
Uh-huh? OK. Well, rub your
tummy, or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
With every tattoo, I imprint a
part of my self on that person.
And they will take that
to the f*cking grave.
Wait, did you imprint yourself upon Shimmy?
- Oh... oh, f*ck off. That's...
- It's your words, man.
- Don't make it f*cking weird, man.
- Your words.
You. You!
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
You have a part of me imprinted on you,
that you will take to your f*cking grave,
and that's real.
That's f*cking real, man.
OK? You know, you know...
Everything else in
your life is f*cking fake,
fake as sh*t.
You f*cking... you get driven around,
you get f*cking doors opened for you,
everyone thinks you're amazing,
cos you're rich and you're famous,
but none of it's f*cking real!
None of it's f*cking real,
because... because you're not real.
You're not a real person.
You have no real friends.
Me?
Oh, I got real friends.
You wouldn't know what
that is, but real friends,
who would... who would lie
down in f*cking traffic for me.
Not because I'm rich or because I'm famous,
because I know I'm not.
But because they are real friends.
Real human connection.
Right? Watch this.
Hundreds of people, right here,
who would lie down
in f*cking traffic for me.
Do anything for me.
Real friends. Look at this, right?
Random number.
There.
Gordon.
(PHONE RINGS) Gordon...
"Oh, hello, Tales."
- Gordon.
"Nice to hear from you."
Er, how are you doing, man? Yeah.
"I thought that maybe you were dead."
Yeah, I know, man, it's
been a while. It's been a while.
Look, f*cking... I've got a
little bit of a favour to ask...
"I'm going to stop you there, Tales,
"cos you still have not paid me
back the money that I lent you"
"the last time you called
up looking for a favour."
What are you talking about?
- I definitely paid you back.
- "No, you haven't paid me back."
Yeah, I did that back tattoo for you...
"Yes, that was supposed to be the deal,"
"but the tattoo that you then
made was f*cking grotesque."
It's not f*cking grotesque.
The work that I did on you
was f*cking ten times better
than the sh*t that you wanted.
"I had a design that I showed
you, on a piece of f*cking paper..."
Well...
"And you said..."
- Nah, I didn't.
"You were going to do
that tattoo on my back..."
Yeah, you wanted,
"but instead, you did some
f*cking disgusting f*cking demon..."
Mate, what you wanted
was f*cking embarrassing,
I wouldn't put my f*cking name to it.
"You agreed that you
were going to do the design"
"that I brought in on a piece of paper."
"The angel that my sister drew..."
I'm not doing a f*cking angel
"said you were going to do that for me,"
"but instead, what did you do?"
I did you a favour, man!
"You tried out a design on
me without my permission."
I don't... it wasn't
against your permission...
"You violated me..."
Sorry, but the customer
is not always right, OK?
The artist is right in
this f*cking situation...
- "It was a horrible thing to do..."
- ..you f*cking moron.
"How dare you f*cking
talk to me like that?"
- Sorry...
- "You're the f*cking moron."
"You've got some
f*cking nerve, telling me..."
That was f*cking way
out of line. Look, I'm tired
- "you know you called up..."
- I shouldn't have called, look
"asking for a f*cking favour.
Do you still want that favour?"
Yeah, man, I still...
"Is that why you're still
on this f*cking phone call?"
Do you know what,
f*ck it. No, you're an idiot.
You're f*cking wrong, and you're an idiot.
- "You're a f*cking a*s..."
- (HANGS UP) f*cking d*ck. Twat.
Prick. f*cking shite. Bad example.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Hi, bro. Look, I know you're
probably at work and everything,
but I'm in a bit of a
f*cking jam right now.
I've locked myself inside my shop,
and I need someone to pick up Lola, so...
Look, I wouldn't ask if
it wasn't like last resort,
but please, please, can you... can
you call me back when you get this?
Alright, I love you. Bye. Bye.
(COUGHS VIOLENTLY)
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Don't ask if I'm alright or anything.
No, it'll help. Rub your tummy.
(TALES GAGS)
(GROANS)
ANSWERING MACHINE: "Welcome to the..."
Oh, f*ck!
f*ck!
So, this photo.
What?
What are you talk...
The selfie.
Oh. Yeah, what about it?
Just admit, it's not for your niece.
What are you talking about?
It's for your daughter.
I'd have taken a selfie for your daughter.
No, that's...
That's a f*cking lie.
Is it?
No, don't... don't...
That's a f*cking lie!
Maybe, I don't know.
A guy like you, owning being a dad?
I think that'd make me feel
something real, you know?
I'm not f*cking... I'm
not f*cking falling for that.
That's f*cking shite.
That's... that's... you
can f*cking drop that sh*t.
OK.
You're a f*cking liar.
You're a f*cking liar...
- Rub your tummy, or I'll think...
- And you can f*cking...
TRUTH ON SPEAKERPHONE: "So, obviously",
"I have already spoken to
all concerned parties, right?"
But I'm just making you aware
that our three-hour window is now closing.
Uh-huh!
"For real."
We are passing the point of no return.
"For real."
If we break this contract,
you're gonna lose a lot of money.
Cool. No problem.
"Thanks. Bye."
Yeah.
Sorry. Er, where were we?
Oh, yeah...
GIRL: "I showed the picture to
Rose, and she was like really jealous."
"She said it wasn't him, but I
said it definitely, definitely was him,"
"cos my dad is cooler than
her dad, and then she cried."
Yeah? Yeah?
Well, you should see the photo
I've got of the two of us together.
"Rose, it totally is him.
I'm gonna show you."
Look, look, listen, Lola, erm
do you know where the, erm,
where your mum keeps the secret key
to... to get into the house?
"Oh yeah, under the blue plant pot."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's right, that's right.
OK, erm... have you ever, erm
have you ever walked home
on your own from school before?
"Er, no, PC Green says we have
to walk home with a trusted adult"
"after what happened to Nicola..."
Yes, and he's absolutely right. Erm...
PC Green is absolutely right.
Look, can you just... can
you just keep your phone on?
"Er, I actually think it's
about to run out of batt..."
(LINE GOES DEAD)
Lola?
Lola? Lola, are you there?
"The person you are calling
is unable to take your call."
(TALES SCREAMS)
(GROANS)
f*cking f*ck!
f*ck!
Come on, come on, come on, you f*ck...
(GROANS)
f*ck!
(SCREAMS) f*cking f*ck...
Yeah, he's freaking out now.
"Like I always say, man."
The spider who spins a web of bullshit
ends up eating sh*t-covered flies.
Yeah...
Just make sure you get out of there
before he turns full psycho, alright?
(SCREAMS)
Oh, God...
Oh, God...
Come on, come on, come on...
Come on, come on, come on...
Oh, no.
I can't call Francesca.
I can't call Francesca.
I can't. I can't.
No.
No, no.
"The person you are calling
is unable to take your call."
"Please leave your message after the tone."
Hi, Roxy, I'm really sorry for calling.
I wouldn't be calling if it
wasn't an emergency, but I...
Look, I can't believe
this has happened to me.
It's just one of those crazy f*cking things
that always happens to
f*cking me for no f*cking reason.
But look, I'm locked in my shop.
Like completely 'locked
in' locked in, and,
and Lola's finishing
school at like 3.30,
and there's nobody to pick her up
because Francesca and f*cking
Steve are away at the weekend,
and she can't walk home by
herself cos she's... only six years old.
And I... I've got nobody else to call.
Mate, I've got nobody else
to call, so please, please...
I really, really, really, really,
really, really, need your help.
So would you just call
me back when you get this?
OK, I'm sorry, please, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Bye.
Do you remember when we first met?
All that lying and pretending?
Now you're just letting it all hang out.
It's like we're friends or something.
I know a lot about you, but,
but I feel like there's not
much going the other way.
You know?
f*cking heart burn.
(RETCHES)
Is there anything you
want to know about me?
No.
That's what I thought.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Rub your tummy...
(EXHALES)
(GROANS)
Rub your tummy or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
Argh...
(PHONE BEEPS)
(GROANS)
f*ck...
Hi, Shimmy. Hi.
How are you doing? How are you doing?
"Er, I'm good. So... you want to hang out?"
Yeah, definitely. Definitely.
Look, do you... do you think
maybe you could do me a favour first?
Rub your tummy,
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
"You've got a f*cking kid?"
Yeah, yeah!
I've talked to you about her all the time.
She's amazing. You'll love her...
"You definitely didn't, but whatever."
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
"How will I know what she looks like?"
I'll send you a picture of her.
I'll send you a picture of her.
There's a secret key, OK,
under a blue plant pot,
to the right of the front door.
OK? Just... just go in, wait
for me there, I won't be long.
OK?
"OK. I'll do it."
(SIGHS) Thank you. Thank you.
"Do you..."
"Do you love me, Tales?"
"I mean, can you just..."
"I mean, well, like..."
"Can you just like... can you
just say you love me, Tales?"
"Can you just..."
"Can you just say it?"
DARK ORGAN MUSIC
I just told Shutter Girl I love her.
So, let me get this straight.
You're sending Shutter Girl,
who you cheated on your girlfriend with,
to pick up your daughter
from your first marriage
while your ex-wife goes on vacation
with her new boyfriend, is that right?
Me and Francesca were never married.
Man.
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
(DIAL TONE)
"Shimmy"
ANSWERING MACHINE:
"is unable to take your call."
f*ck...
Please, please, please,
please, please, please, please...
Come on, come on, come on, come on...
(PHONE BEEPS)
(LAUGHS)
Oh! Ooh, my God!
- All good?
- Oh!
All good.
All good. She's fine.
She's fine, she's fine.
Well, that's a pleasant surprise, huh?
Rub your tummy, or I'll
think you're an as*h*le.
She's all good. She's all good.
She's all good!
She's all good, she's
all good, she's all good...
Oh!
(PHONE RINGS)
(FRANCESCA BREATHES RAGGEDLY) Hello.
"Where's Lola?"
Er...
Er, she... she's with me.
"Don't lie to me."
"Where is she?"
Er, I'm...
"Tell me where your daughter is, Tim."
Wait...
"I just had a call from Roxy."
You... you spoke to Roxy?
"Anything you want to tell me?"
"Where is Lola?"
I, I...
You... you...
You spoke to R-Roxy?
"The fact that you don't even
know makes my blood run cold."
"Lola is with Roxy."
"She told me what you did."
"You... you are not
even a real human being."
"You've failed. You are nothing."
(SHE HANGS UP)
(PHONE BEEPS)
"Hello!"
Shimmy, Shimmy...
"Hello!"
Who... who's that girl you
just sent me a picture of?
"Your daughter?"
No, it isn't. No, it isn't!
"I'm pretty sure it's your daughter."
What's her name?
"Who, your daughter? Or..."
Oh, my God. Oh, my God...
"What's your name again?"
"Laura. That's right, isn't it?"
No, that's not f*cking right!
You just picked up some
random f*cking child!
"She's not random. She looks
really similar to the photograph."
What good is f*cking similar?
"Don't shout at me, OK?
I'm not good with faces."
"Don't shout at me.
This is not my problem."
My God... Shimmy, where are you?
"To pick up your own daughter..."
Shimmy, where are you?
Are you still in Francesca's?
"Just ask Shimmy, cos
she's such a pushover."
"Know what, I don't
care about you anymore."
Get out, get out!
Get out of the f*cking house!
- Shimmy, get out!
- "Don't shout at me!"
Listen to me! Listen to me,
get out the f*cking house!
"There's someone there."
SHIMMY: "Hello?" FRANCESCA:
"Is there someone there?"
"Hiya, I'm..."
"Who are you? And what the
f*ck are you doing in my house?"
"I'm Shimmy, are you Roxy?"
ROXY: "No, I'm Roxy..."
They're all in the same house.
The... they...
Shimmy, Roxy, Francesca,
Steve, Lola,
and Laura.
They're... they're
they're all in the same f*cking...
They're all in the same f*cking house.
Oh, man...
Oh, man.
Ooh, man!
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
Oh, man. Ooh...
Ooh.
Oh, man.
Oh, man...
Oh, man.
Oh, man...
GENTLE PIANO MUSIC
Oh...
Ooh...
Oh, man. Oh, man...
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, man. Oh...
Ooh! Oh...
Oh...
- Rub your tummy...
- Oh, man.
or I'll think you're an as*h*le.
Oh, man...
Oh, f*ck.
Oh, man. Oh, man...
No.
Is that a no?
No more tummy rubbing?
No.
No more.
You know what that means, right?
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
You'll think I'm an as*h*le.
CELLO MELODY
I am an as*h*le.
Oh, this is it!
You're crossing over.
I'm an as*h*le, I'm an as*h*le...
I'm an as*h*le, I'm an as*h*le.
This is the rebirth.
You're nearly there.
I'm an as*h*le.
Excuse me.
I'm proud of you, man.
(SIRENS APPROACH)
(SIRENS NEAR)
It's been a privilege.
ORCHESTRAL MUSIC INTENSIFIES
(SIRENS)
(HAMMERING ON SHUTTERS)
MAN: Police, open up!
WOMAN: Tim, this is the police.
Open up!
(HAMMERING) This is the police...
(POLICE SHOUT AND HAMMER ON SHUTTERS)
WOMAN: Come out calmy and quietly.
(SHUTTERS RAISE)
WOMAN: The door was open. I
repeat, the door was already open.
We did not force entry...
TIM: "People say I've got a baby face".
I still get f*cking ID'd.
f*cking "dad"...
Can he hear me?
Little sh*t!
Nah, he's cool.
Alright, put your poker face on,
I've got something I want to say to you.
You ready?
Mm-hm.
That fool's lock is busted.
MUSIC RISES
So you can leave whatever time you want.
What's he saying?
- You hear me?
- "OK."
Everything's totally cool.
What's he saying?
"Bye."
(TRUTH LAUGHS)
UPLIFTING CELLO MELODY
SOFT PIANO MELODY
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
(POLICEWOMAN'S VOICE ECHOES)
Keep your hands above your head.
Don't make any sudden movements.
You are being arrested
for conspiracy to kidnap.
Do you understand?
Where is he?
Was there someone in here with you?
Sir? Was there someone
else in the building?
Sir?
You need to tell us
if there was someone
else in the building with you.
Sir?
I did it.
(VOICE ECHOES) You're
not required to say anything,
but anything you do say will be...
I won.
Yeah...
SCREAMO
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Tummy Monster (2024)
Moderators: Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters, Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters