07x05 - Straight to Seaside

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

[energetic music] - It's happening!

- [through megaphone] It's national "Jersey Shore" Day!

- This day deserves to be celebrated worldwide!

[all cheering]

And more importantly, Sam's back.

[all cheering]

- Everyone is just so excited that Sammi's back,

but I've been on the show way longer than she has now.

- I say we go back where it all began...

- Yes!

- And go right to Seaside right now!

[all cheering] Right now!

- Whew. You're going to be a big brother again!

Can you believe it?

We're going to surprise Daddy.

- Are we waiting for Ang?

- I'm coming.

So I bring you on the show.

Like, at least help me with my luggage.

- This is the second time

I've heard you throw my name around like that,

and you're pissing me off.

- I gotta hit the road, fellas.

I gotta DJ in Boston.

- I can't believe we missed hanging with the boys...

- I'm going to go back to strip at the Hard Rock.

- No, you're not.

- Because Angelina was throwing a tantrum in her room.

- Like, I take a while to get over things.

- I know.

Angelina is a ticking time b*mb,

so this might blow up in Sammi's face.

[upbeat music]

- Yeah, buddy!

- Party's here!

- The Situation is under construction.

- We're so classy now.

- On the seventh day, it'll be lit.

- Get the frig out of here, you crazy!

- Um, hello?

- I'm still the sweetest b*tch you'll ever meet.

♪ ♪

- ♪ I, I ain't been this high in a minute ♪

♪ And I ain't smoked none ♪

♪ I'ma stack it independent ♪

♪ Thumbin' through these... ♪

- You want me to leave you alone?

- No, no, no. Not you.

I feel like I'll be better.

- So why is Ang on one? We just had a day about us.

- It's just a funk.

She was fine at the award thing.

- Wilin'. - Right?

Something clicked like that. [snaps fingers]

- It was such an amazing vibe in Atlantic City

with "Jersey Shore" Day.

- Therefore, I hereby recognize today

as "Jersey Shore" Day. [all cheering]

- It was one of the best days of our life.

[laughs]

To now, the vibes have totally flipped.

She's wilin'. - What is happening?

- She just gets so upset over everything.

Like, it's not that big of a deal.

- I can't handle the sh*t

that's going down at this point.

- I swear, if I was a big DJ, no one would give a f*ck.

- No, honey.

There's always subtext to Angelina's behavior.

There is never just the real reason.

Listen, it's all namaste today.

It's supposed to be such a positive day.

- All right, all right, all right, all right.

I'm trying. - You're good.

There has to be an underlying reason

that she flipped the script.

- Thank you, Lord.

- It could be she wasn't center of attention.

Maybe it's because Sam is back.

- I just said that it would have been nice

if, like, some people that were down the hall

as me, like, could have just, like, came in my room

and been like, you know... - I understand that.

- I mean, I just had surgery done,

and it's a little hard for me to, like,

lift, like, heavy sh*t.

And the roommates just got in the truck,

and I got really overwhelmed.

I'm not mad, you guys.

I would have liked somebody, like Sam,

maybe or somebody.

Like, she walked past my room.

- We're positive only.

We're coming off a national holiday.

- Even though I'm feeling some type of way a little bit,

I'm going to let that go.

But Sam is the one that did walk past my room, though.

[dramatic notes]

[tense notes]

- Shut up.

- I don't know where the f*ck I am.

- That's what I'm saying. - Are you f*cked up right now?

- No, I haven't even been, like, here in so long.

I don't know nothing. - [laughs]

- You guys still got the keys to this place or something?

You think you can just drop by? - Oh, sh*t.

Danny's here. - Oh, my God.

- [screams] - Hi, Danny!

- Part of the deal of you guys staying here

is you'll also be working for me.

- We got it.

- I'm happy to see you,

but what the hell are you doing here?

- We had a "Jersey Shore" national holiday today.

I was just under the impression since the boys

were going to get there first

that they were going to call Danny.

- Why are you eating the food? - What do you mean?

We thought that was our food. - Our food.

- We do tours of the house now, guys.

- We know it's a museum here. - It's like the White House.

It's a museum now. - It's a museum.

- But it's our museum. - Yeah.

- You never were here.

What, you spent five minutes here?

- b*tch, I f*cking--

- You walked in the door and then you walked out.

- I don't care what he thinks about me.

I don't care what anyone in this house thinks about me.

I don't.

- Grab your garbage bag and please leave again, all right?

[all exclaiming] - Oh, sh*t!

- Listen here, f*cking--

I've been here for six years, f*ck.

So you better bow down to the queen, m*therf*cker.

- Listen, I love a good Angelina joke,

but I feel like it is bad time and this b*tch wants to leave.

- I earned my stripes, m*therf*cker.

- I'm going to scream.

- as*h*le.

- She's still talking? - Oh, my God.

- Danny's just poking the bear,

and I'm like, oh, my God.

- We should be doing the tours, not you.

- Who would want to tour the house?

- Since you got a national holiday now,

it might go to your head,

but people f*cking are obsessed over you guys.

- No, it went to our heads.

- Exactly. It definitely--

- It was a pretty big day. - It went to my head.

No, it's so cool.

- So wait, are you bringing a tour here right now?

- Yes.

We go through really quickly. It's ten minutes.

You walk through it. Talk about it.

- Ten minutes? - Yeah, it's ten minutes.

- How much for ten minutes? How much for ten minutes?

- Yeah, I wanna know. - $.

- Ten minutes. No. - No way.

- What do you say? - Wait, time-out.

- There's a tour happening? - Right now?

- Yes. - Can we hide?

And surprise them? - You want to hide?

- Can we scare them? Aah! - Rar!

- You guys want to hide? As I take 'em through the tour,

you guys jump out at them?

They would trip out.

- I am so here for Danny's tour right now.

I'm hiding in the bathroom.

I really want to scare the sh*t out of these people.

- All right, guys. Go hide.

I'll be back in a couple minutes.

- I'm coming with you, Jenni.

- I'm going to go in my room. - All right, come on.

- The meatballs are going to go in our closet here.

It's super weird that people think we're cool enough

to take tours of the house.

- Wait, Jenni, where are you? - I'm near our bathroom.

- All right, guys. You guys ready for the tour?

all: Yeah. - Follow me.

Come on over this way. We're going in.

- f*ck do I hide? Come on, man.

- I'll hide here. - You're going to hide here?

- Because I'll see them walk in.

- And then when I hear you, I'll pop out.

- What do we do? Do we scream?

- Oh, I love Snooki and Deena--

- [screams] [Snooki gasps]

- Yeah, that was good.

- This is the kitchen. - [gasps]

- The table there for Sunday dinner.

- The tour is coming. The tour is coming.

Hurry up, they're coming. - Behind the--behind the thing.

- Oh, now she's the Unabomber. - Right here.

Come on. Beanbag chair.

This is where the famous Sammi-Jenni fight happened.

The only outside contact they had with the real world

was the duck phone.

If you all want to get over here

and take a picture of the duck phone.

[duck phone quacking]

- The [...]? Is that thing quacking?

That's really weird.

[duck phone quacking]

- [laughing] There's no cord.

There's no f*cking cord.

That's funny.

- This was the boys' bedroom.

Vinny and Pauly's.

Just walk this way. This was the girls' bedroom.

The meatballs' room.

[Snooki screams] [all scream]

[laughter]

- Meatball power!

[cheers and applause]

- Were you scared?

- Did she f*cking fall asleep in there?

- This is like a Halloween haunted house.

- I know.

- It is so nice and so much fun

that we are able to take pictures with these fans.

- Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

- Back in the day in ,

I never would have thought years later,

we would have such amazing fans like we do.

- Sam's back!

- And then here is--

- [laughing] Hey! The Situation.

- Surprise. It's BDS.

What's up, guys? How are you?

- I love being good to those fans.

Pleasure to meet you guys. - You too.

- My energy with fans is always a very grateful, thankful vibe.

- Thank you so much. - I've been watching for years.

You guys are the best.

- Aw, I love it. - Oh, I love that.

- Thank you. - You're the best.

- On three. One, two, three. - "Jersey Shore!"

all: "Jersey Shore!"

- ♪ It's like magic ♪

- ♪ You want to know our secret ♪

[energetic upbeat music]

- We're going to do parchment, pizza cutter, and pizza.

I think that's all I need.

I cannot wait for Mike to get home

so I can tell him that I'm pregnant.

Oh, the things I do for this man.

I ordered a ton of Sicilian pizza pies.

It's a thick pizza.

And I'm going to surprise Mike

by writing out "Baby number three" in pizza.

B-A.

Does that look like a B?

Oh, my God. It looks good.

The three is looking, I think, quality.

Mike always wanted a third baby.

Whew! This is happening.

So I'm just excited and happy to be growing our family.

- Hey, honey. How are you?

- I'm good. What's happening?

- Oh, my God.

OK, so you'll be home in, like, a few hours maybe?

- Yeah, yeah.

- This is k*lling me to not be able to tell Mike yet.

- All right, love you. - All right. I love you too.

[sighs] What am I going to do? [phone clatters on counter]

- This is the best girl day ever!

- "Jersey Shore" Day, b*tches! [all cheering]

- I want to go home.

- Is this guy coming home tonight?

- Hurricane Angeliner's coming.

- I'm done with that f*cking b*tch Sam.

- Why are you coming for me?

- b*tch, I brought you in here.

I'll take you the f*ck out.

- "Jersey Shore" Day has been ruined.

- f*ck out of here, b*tches!

- Oh... my God.

- ♪ Put your hands in the air ♪

♪ Put your hands in the air ♪

- We're hitting the boardwalk. You guys ready?

- All right, let's do it. - Come on. We got to go.

Girls' night with Mike! [all cheering]

- Let's go, girls.

- Mike, let's go get a mammogram.

- Oh, my God. - Let's go, Mike.

Pap smear time.

- Whoo! [laughs]

- My vibes are, like, top-notch.

Like, positive. Let's go.

I'm ready to celebrate because this is an amazing day.

This is cool. - This is cool.

- I love this! - I feel weird.

These are, like, my favorite moments

from back in the day when we used to have the shore house.

- I love, like, boardwalk days. Like--

- Same. - Wait, wait.

Is this--what bar is this? - This is Aztec.

- Aztec. - But it's not anymore.

- Oh, right. 'Member? 'Member?

- Yeah. - Oh, what is it now?

Jersey Roll? - It's Jersey Roll.

- Wait, wait, wait. Nicole, stand right here for a second.

- Is that where I got punched? - No. Stand just right here.

- No.

- There is an age-old w*r in the state of New Jersey.

- It's pork roll. - Stand right here.

- It's pork roll.

- Pork roll or Taylor ham.

- Oh, yeah. Pork roll.

- Oh, f*ck you. [laughter]

f*ck you.

This is going to be a debate till me

and Mike are in the grave. - It is pork roll.

- He tried to play you. - No, no.

It's Taylor ham. b*tch, it's not pork roll.

- Guys, we're here. Spicy's!

We've been waiting for this all day.

- I mean, I love Spicy's. Such good drinks.

I'm so excited to, like, sit here and eat and drink.

I think it was over here where I danced on the bar

when I got arrested.

[all cheering]

[mumbling] I'm running away from you.

No, no! - Deena, yes, come here.

Come here. - Why am I in trouble?

- Stop. It's 'cause you're dancing in the streets, OK?

You can't block traffic like that, do you understand?

- This time, I cannot get arrested

after drinking at Spicy's.

- Look who it is. - Oh, my girls!

They all come back, huh?

- Look who it is. - Welcome back to Seaside.

- You know, Seaside is our home away from home.

It really is.

Good to see you. - Mikey.

Doing all right, buddy? - Yep.

So cool running into Chief Boyd of Seaside.

- Let me tell you something. - What's the deal?

- What you did for my town, I'll never forget.

- We love you. - Aw.

- And I think you guys are great kids.

- We love you so much. - But you did a lot for us too.

- We put this town on the map,

and it's really good so many years later

having the chief tell us what an impact we've had on culture,

what an impact we've had on Seaside.

- What you guys did for my town, I thank you so much.

- He's just saying such nice things about us.

- I'm happy you're here, Mikey.

- You were always the nicest to us.

And I'm like, sir, I got arrested on your beach,

and it was, like, national news.

- She's drunk and disorderly. She's causing a scene.

You see that. - I'm a [...] good person.

- To "Jersey Shore" Day, b*tches!

- Whoo-hoo! Girls' night!

- I just say this is a perfect national "Jersey Shore" Day.

Oh, my God. They have cheese ba*ls here.

- [gasps]

- And we are back to our stomping grounds. It's amazing.

- Are you guys getting food?

- I'm going to get cheese-- they have cheese ba*ls.

- Definitely want Philly cheesesteak egg rolls, maybe.

- Taylor ham. - Pork roll.

- Taylor ham. - It's pork roll!

- Taylor ham.

So Mike calls Taylor ham pork roll.

I call it Taylor ham because it literally says "Taylor ham."

- Pork roll.

- Do you wanna do a poll around the bar?

In North Jersey, they call it "Taylor ham."

South Jersey, it's "pork roll."

It says Taylor ham on the package.

- Ooh. - Doesn't say pork roll.

- It says pork roll in my areas.

- [chuckling] Ooh! - See? Pork roll.

- Let the debate start!

- Taylor ham.

We're going to do a tally.

I think we should go around and ask everyone.

- All right. A tally? - Yeah.

Just say, "Pork roll or Taylor ham?"

- All right. - You go first.

- OK. - Because I'm the lady.

Why don't you over to Santa Claus right there?

- You want me to go to Santa Claus right now?

- I want you go to Santa Claus and say,

"Pork roll or Taylor ham?" - Fine.

It is time to settle this age-old debate.

How are you doing, sir? - Good. How you doing?

- Uh, I'm the Situation. How are you?

- I know who you are. - Nice to meet you.

- Taylor ham. - I have a question for you.

It's going down right now.

Are you Team Pork Roll or are you Team Taylor Ham?

Are you a Taylor ham... - [chuckles]

- Or are you a pork roll person?

- Taylor ham.

- Pork roll! [bell rings]

- All right, Santa! - Yeah!

- Hi, ma'am.

Me and Mike have this ongoing bet.

Taylor ham or pork roll?

- Pork roll. [bell rings]

- No! Cancel that.

Taylor ham or pork roll?

- Taylor ham all the way. - Taylor ham!

- It's definitely pork roll.

All right, guys. We have a question for you.

- Yes? - OK.

Are you a pork roll person or a Taylor ham?

- Pork roll. Taylor ham.

- Boom-boom. Boom-boom. - OK, tie.

- Exactly. Yes, yes.

[Snooki grunts sarcastically]

Pork roll or Taylor ham?

- I'm Team Taylor Ham.

- Wow. - Thank you.

- Oh, wow. We're tied up. - Boom-boom!

- OK, Taylor ham. - Boom! b*tch.

- Do you say Taylor ham, egg, and cheese,

or pork roll, egg, and cheese?

- Pork roll. - Exactly.

- Oh, b*tch. Oh, you got one. - Yes.

- But you're actually persuading people

by the way you say it.

You go, "Taylor ham orpork roll."

Say it normal. - Fine.

- It's pork roll. It's pork roll.

- Pork roll! - Who cares?

- I have to change my tampon.

Where's the bathroom? I forgot.

- On the back to the right. - Thanks, ma'am.

[indistinct chatter]

- You good, girl?

- I'm so tired.

I'm shot. Drama from today.

- What drama though?

- I'm not talking about it. I just want to go home.

- OK.

- You know? - OK.

- Sam's back. She can take my spot.

[tense music]

- You're being dramatic.

- No, I swear to God. No, I have a lot going on.

- I'm not even sure what's going on with Angelina.

I just see her kind of getting, like, in a mood.

So I'm kind of just like, all right, I'm just going

to keep eating my cheese ba*ls...

[laughing] Because I'm not trying to get involved in that.

- I gotta, like,

watch out for me, you know what I'm saying?

- OK.

Don't even ask me. - Oh, wow.

- I don't even know what Taylor ham is.

- Go, go, go! Two votes? - Good job.

- Oh, yes! - Oh, sh*t.

- Yes! Yes. [laughter]

- Oh! - Oh, my God!

- Taylor ham. - We're not doing Taylor ham.

- I'll be honest with you, it's kind of even right now.

- Taylor ham or pork roll?

- God! - Oh, yeah.

The game is over. [bell rings]

The game is over.

- f*ck me. It's Taylor ham.

Oh, I still love your doggy.

Your name is Taylor Ham. Yes, it is.

Uh, it annoys me. I like to win.

And when people say pork roll, it really pisses me off.

All right. Thanks for not saying Taylor ham.

- Oh, I didn't know.

- ♪ But I want you to know ♪

- I'm so f*cking mad. Taylor ham!

- ♪ We gettin' to it over here, we're gettin' to it ♪

♪ Got the whole squad living like a movie ♪

♪ Just sayin' ♪

- Mike, what's the verdict?

- Guys, I would like to make an announcement!

[Snooki screams]

I have finally won the age-old debate,

Taylor ham or pork roll.

Pork roll was the winner!

[cheers and applause]

Listen, I feel like a little kid right now.

- I'm so f*cking mad.

- And I'm with my best friends

and we're having the time of our life.

- Made me so upset. - That was so fun.

- Yes!

- I'm out of this. I don't eat pork.

- I don't care about this sh*t.

It could be either-or, and I wouldn't give two f*ck.

- What's happening?

Why is this girl throwing my name out there again

and talking sh*t about me?

- She's having a day. - Yeah.

Ever since press week, it has been nonstop

talking and bashing my name.

Apparently Angelina's been, like,

saying negative comments about me.

- So what's your deal?

- What are you talking about? - I want to go home.

- Don't go home.

Why go home?

- Why is she upset?

- I'm, like-- I'm, like, beat, bro.

I'm--I'm beat. I'm beat.

- Did something happen to you? - But like,

what is, like this--

what is burning right now?

- It's like, what happened today and then, ah, all this.

- Can we move on or is, like, there's something--

- There's something bigger brewing in my brain.

- I really don't have-- she's got an issue with me.

- I could feel it. - Tell us.

Tell us. - I could feel it, Ang.

- So I bring you on the show.

I DM'ed you.

And I literally brought you in

thinking you were going to be a friend.

You've been nothing of that sort.

- Why would I be the one to go to your room

and ask you if you need help?

- Well, I don't know where you went.

- Don't say to Deena

that Sam should've came to my room and got me.

That's not my priority.

- What's the issue?

- What is the issue though?

- What's happening? - I can't relate.

I can't relate. - What's happening?

- Ang can't explain why she's upset with everybody.

She's not even making sense.

- Hold on.

- I've got to go to the f*cking bathroom.

- Saying I'm like a toddler, like, having a tantrum.

f*ck off. - I don't understand.

What happened? - Nothing. There's nothing.

- There are things that I could have called her

way worse than a toddler.

- What is happening? - Honestly, it's so bizarre.

- What is happening? - I have no idea.

- There's literally nothing.

- Jenni, can you come to the bathroom with me, please?

- This is so bizarre.

- Sam just coming for me.

"Why are you acting like a toddler?"

It's like, girl, you act like a toddler

every day of your life.

Nicole!

And I think she's trying to make a name

for herself by coming at me and it's not going to work.

- I just can't handle this.

- Nosedive. - b*tch!

- What is--Nicole? Did I miss something?

- Who the f*ck are you to tell me that I'm--

it's like a tantrum?

f*ck you, b*tch.

I brought you back, you m*therf*cker.

How do you f*cking come for the girl

that like, went out of her way and, like, brought you back?

- We've been trying so hard to get you back.

- Stop. - Oh, my God, you're back.

- Totally disrespectful.

And I don't think I get the recognition I deserve.

She's a f*cking as*h*le. She's a--

- Who? - She's an as*h*le.

- Who's an as*h*le?

- Sammi.

- I gotta pee. - Oh!

- I gotta pee. Please excuse me.

So I feel like Sam doesn't know what happens

when you get into, like, a little tiff with Angelina.

It lasts for years.

So here we f*cking go.

- She called me a f*cking toddler.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- No, I didn't hear that. - Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I didn't hear Sammi call anyone anything.

- I didn't hear her call you-- - No, no, no. I swear to God.

- She goes, "Why are you so mad?

"It's like I just had a fight with a toddler just now,

like, with a tantrum."

- But what is the problem?

- I brought you into the show again,

and it helped you financially.

I mean, like, the girl bought a house because of me.

- Me and Justin, we bought a house.

- Ooh, congratulations. - Exciting!

- Yeah.

We're here. - We're home.

Beautiful. - Wow.

- If anybody f*cking could buy a house,

would you be mean to the person that, like,

f*cking helped you?

- Wait, what's happening?

- Welcome to the circus.

- Where are you going? Do you want me to go with you?

I'm going. - Sure.

- I gotta be honest as f*ck all the time...

- [laughs] Jenni? - Nicole!

- But nobody else wants to be real as f*ck!

And I'm over it.

- Nicole! - Jennifer?

Like, oh, my God.

Like, we can't have a nice night.

We can't have nice things.

Like, we're just-- we're terrible.

- You're all pussies.

- ♪ Make some noise ♪

- Dee.

Like, why are you doing this?

- What the f*ck, man? [sighs]

I don't know how this is happening right now,

but "Jersey Shore" Day has been ruined.

- We're just talking about everything.

- What?

- Get the f*ck out of here, b*tches!

- Oh.

- ♪ What's poppin'? ♪

♪ You don't want no problems in this party ♪

- [laughs] ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ You wish you could be like me ♪

- Who the f*ck are you to tell me that

it's like a tantrum?

f*ck you, b*tch.

I brought you back, you m*therf*cker.

- Is it safe to come out?

So the fact that Sam called Angelina a toddler,

she's going to hold on to that for five years.

- We're just talking about everything.

I'm upset that like, Sammi, like, please don't ever--

- Oh, there it is. What?

- Please don't ever say-- - Sammi did nothing wrong.

- You did nothing wrong. - I did not hear it.

- But please don't ever say, like,

I'm having a temper tantrum because--

- Well, you just acted like you were.

- I didn't act like that. - I didn't hear that.

- I'm going to call it how it is.

Once again, Angelina has found a way to come at me.

And I'm just like, no. I'm sick of your sh*t.

You literally just freaked out when I was just talking to you.

- But that's not having a temper tantrum.

- You went like, ooh!

And freaked out like a child having a temper tantrum.

- I know I'm a child. I know.

[phone line trilling]

- I'm your world's favorite DJ

and I will never let you down, so leave a message.

[voicemail beeps] - Yo, Pauly, man.

We got a situation, man.

We just had one of the best days of our life

at "Jersey Shore" Day.

The energy just nosedived.

Has now taken a turn for the worst.

I have no idea what's going on. The girls are fightin'.

Everything was all peaches and the next thing you know,

Angelina wants the smoke,

Sam is saying, "You're acting like a toddler."

Save me, man. Save me.

- And you don't know how to communicate--

- Ang, just say what you need to say because this is, like--

- Just say it. - I know I'm a child. I know.

[baby crying]

- Look at the way you're acting right now.

- So I have a toddler right now,

and toddlers are maniacs

that just, like, do whatever they want.

They scream, they have fits.

- I'm coming! - And they have tantrums.

- I will bug out right now.

- Go hide. I'll be back in a couple of minutes.

- I'm not hiding! - Hide.

- Why?

I want to go home. [baby crying]

f*ck out of here, b*tches!

- [chuckling] So I can see why Sam maybe said,

"You're acting like a toddler."

- But I gotta be transparent to the m*therf*cker!

- But yeah, this is not going to be good.

- OK-- - Let it out.

If something's bothering you, why this whole thing?

- Yes. - What bothers me is that

I'm so, like, over this sh*t

because it's like, I give, give, give, give, give,

and then sh*t like that happens

and then nobody wants to talk about it.

It's really offensive to be called a toddler.

And now I'm just, like,

just f*cking just kind of pissed.

Sam, we need to be more transparent.

- [chuckling] Oh.

- We'll call my chicken guy, man.

I got somebody helping me with my chickens right now.

My chicken guy.

[upbeat banjo music]

- Of course you got a chicken guy.

- I got a chicken guy. I got a f*cking chicken guy.

I do. [laughs]

[notification chimes] Damn.

It's probably just-- he's probably...

tending to the chickens right now.

- I'm out.

- You're not f*cking out, b*tch.

You're not out. - Look at my eyebrows!

Do you--can you look at my eyebrows?

- Can we squash this? 'Cause she wants to leave.

- What? There's nothing to squash.

- I know. I'm not saying to you.

- Well, I don't wanna leave 'cause of you.

- I'm saying with her.

You can't leave.

- We don't want you to leave. - You're not leaving!

- Let's go take a shot and have a good time.

- It's "Jersey Shore" Day!

- OK, OK, OK. - Cut the sh*t!

- Oh, my God. I just want to drink and have fun.

We're fine! Let's take a shot!

- This is just crazy pants right now.

Let's dance. Let's go dance at Beachcomber.

- It's our day, b*tch!

- Like, I don't want any negative energy.

We're here for one night in Seaside.

Taylor ham or pork roll?

[bell rings] - Thank you, Joel!

I'm gonna have a good time.

I don't want to be fighting

and, you know, drama tonight.

- Let's go to Beachcomber.

We're going to get rid of this bad energy.

We're going to go to Beachcomber.

- There's no bad energy! - We're going to take--

- [screams] - Yay!

- We're gonna take shots.

- Do it again, do it again, do it again.

- Whoo-hoo! - [laughs]

- Your titty's out. - Oh, my tit's out.

- I am praying that when we get to Beachcomber,

everything's going to get better.

- What is happening? - Nothing.

We're having the best f*cking day of our lives.

We have to just change our energy.

- At this point I'm realizing Angelina just does not like me,

so I'm like, you know what? We're just going to drop it.

- Sam's a b*tch.

It's been a lot, you know? Roller coaster.

Bringing Sam in was not easy for me.

This has not been easy.

I'm a child having a temper tantrum?

b*tch, I brought you in here. I'll take you the f*ck out.

I thought it was going to be a different story.

It has not been.

I want to fight people.

But it's like, you know what?

Is it worth me going to jail? Nah.

She's like penny-pinchers. She's got chump change.

She bought a $, house 'cause of me.

So yeah. Shouldn't have did it.

- Toodle-oo, m*therf*cker.

- I brought her in. I'll take her right the f*ck out.

- Michael... - [sighs]

- I don't know what's going on.

- Like, f*ck you, Sam. - All right. We're over it.

- Then I want to crawl into a hole and die.

- What happened? Tell me about it.

- No, let's not. Let's not talk.

We're having a good day today. - No, it's not relevant today.

- Guys, this is the best girl day ever!

- All right, Mike. - Is it?

- Way to be a part of the girl squad.

- I don't want any drama.

[shouting] Where's the beach?

Let's just swipe it under the rug

and let's have a good time.

[shouting] Where's the beach? - Clear the way!

- Don't arrest me. Where's the beach?

Where's the beach? Where's the beach?

- Where the f*ck did Nicole go?

- She's on the run.

- Where's the beach?

- [laughing] Dude, she's on the run.

- [shouting] Where's the beach? - Nicole!

- She's "where's the beach?"-ing it.

- Where's the beach?

- No, where's the beach?

It's right there?

- All right. Thank you.

Oh, my God, I wanna go to the beach so bad.

- ♪ Feeling so good like a day on a beach ♪

♪ I feel so good ♪

[upbeat music]

- Mike! We're doing a debate. - Oh, no. Not again.

Do you call it pork roll or Taylor ham?

- Oh, God.

[suspenseful music]

[all exclaiming] - Pork roll!

[all cheering] - Let's go!

- We just fought with Angelina at Spicy's,

but we all are in good spirits.

I think Angelina is the only one who's not.

[shot glass clinks]

But everybody's just kind of trying to enjoy themselves

and just forget about what just happened at Spicy's.

- I can't do this no more. She's f*cking pissing me off.

I'm getting pissed off.

Unappreciative. f*ck that sh*t.

- Who?

- I'm just not about being around people

that don't have respect for me.

She called me a whiny, little brat.

- She's coming for me. - Again?

- b*tch, you're lucky you're here.

I called you. I DM'ed you.

You wouldn't even f*cking be here.

Grow the f*ck up. - [gasps] b*tch.

Opening a can of worms right now.

- I don't give a f*ck.

- It just makes me really pissed off

that she's still talking about me.

- [imitating crying]

- Even now, like, right in front of me.

It's just wild.

- And I don't wanna deal with f*cking assholes.

I don't want to deal with it anymore.

- I'm ignoring her.

That's why I'm ignoring her.

- I am a little concerned,

because I feel like even for Angelina, this is weird.

And I want to make it stop.

Angelina, grab your sh*t. Let's go.

- You're leaving?

- I think something else is going on.

It could be Angelina's relationship with .

or it could be Angelina and her father.

- Let's go. You ready, Mike?

- All right, let's go.

- So if Angelina is not in the right state,

she might just be taking it out on Sam.

Grab and go. Let's go.

- I'm a little baby, so.

- f*cking get over it. - I can't.

People are pussies out here!

- Peace out!

- She's dipping. - Oh, yeah.

- f*ck all you m*therf*ckers.

I'm done with that b*tch, Sam.

- What happened? - What is with the drama?

- She's annoyed at the toddler comment.

- Still? Just now again?

- [sarcastic voice] You're like a little baby.

What? It's like why? 'Cause you're mad?

Because you're, like, trying to get in my business?

Being called a toddler is-- it's not cool.

You see what I go through.

I'm pissed off, so I'm going to go shopping

and I'm going to clear my head because I need my head cleared.

Can I shop in here really quick?

I want these!

- What size do you want?

- It says "Stay and get your a*s beat."

"Stay and get your a*s beat." - Are you going to be nicer?

'Cause you were really mean to me when I saw you today.

- Fine. I'm just having a day.

- Why is she doing this right now?

We were all perfectly f*cking fine.

- Oh. Nicole, do you want to take a photo?

Pork roll! - f*ck off!

- Are we in a hurricane right now?

'Cause it feels like it. - We are.

I don't know if we're going to be able to make it home.

- That'd be fun to sleep over again.

- Wait, you want us to sleep at the shore house?

- I think that's our best bet.

- Like, it's been an epic day

and I don't want the party to end,

so, like, let's go back to the shore house.

- Oh, Ma, I'm home. - And keep the party going.

[soft upbeat music]

- Thank you. Bye-bye.

Where's Angelina? Ang!

If this b*tch left.

Angelina! Where is she?

I'm thinking Angelina is going to be here waiting,

and Angelina is not here.

- Maybe she's on the deck? - Oh, I miss it up here.

- She's not here. - This was my fave.

- She's not here.

- I feel like I have a lost child.

Angeliner? - Angelina!

- Let's go back.

- [word echoing] Angelina!

[phone line trilling]

- Honey. - Hi.

- Hey. - Where are you?

- I'm at the shore house,

honey, right now.

The weather's a little rough out there.

We had a day over here.

I don't know where Angeliners is, but, um,

we're all feeling nostalgic.

Everybody's like, sleepover, sleepover,

so I think I'm just going to crash, honey.

And I'll see you tomorrow morning.

- [sighs] OK.

I know he's having a good time with his friends,

but today's number one goal

was to let Mike know that I'm pregnant.

- I'll be home in the morning, though.

- OK. - All right, honey.

I love you. - OK, I love you.

[sighs]

What do I do with this pizza now?

sh*t.

Romeo, want some pizza?

[phone line trilling]

- Hello? - b*tch, where are you?

- Wait, but where are you?

- OK, we're at the house waiting for you.

- I feel like I'm in an alternate universe.

We're all just so confused

'cause she was just in such a bad mood,

and now she's like, yeah, you know,

I'm just out shopping.

- Do you want a hoodie?

- Yeah, just make it a black one

so it matches the other one.

- Can I have a small black hoodie?

- All right.

- Can you come back?

- Hurry up. Bye. - Bye.

Thank you, Danny. - Later.

- I am not here for the bullshit.

- I feel that. - What is her problem with me?

I've been so kind to this girl.

- I wish I knew.

- Here we go.

[suspenseful music]

- Hey, mama. - Hi.

- Hi, ma'am.

- You're back? - Yeah.

I was like, you know what? I didn't bring any pajamas.

Danny and I, he owed me something,

so I was like, make me something.

♪ ♪

- You got me a-- you got me a pizza?

- Mike.

- Ang, what's your deal with me, b*tch?

- [gasps] - What?

- I heard you were, like, mad at me

because I said something about the toddler comment.

- Well, that was a little weird, but--

- Are you mad at me?

- What did you say again exactly?

- ♪ Drop that beat ♪

[dramatic music]

- Oh boy.

Here we go again.

- I said, "Why are you acting like a toddler?"

because you freaked out and left when I was talking to you.

- If I do that--

- It was like a toddler reaction.

- But I'm not a toddler. I'm years old.

So when you say-- - Then why'd you act like that?

- Who the f*ck is she to, like, cast judgment on me?

Like, only God could judge me, girl.

- [words echoing] You are a toddler.

K, bye!

- Toddler my ba*ls.

- Like, what's going on?

You seem like you have a lot going on right now.

Like, what's going on?

- Why do you keep saying that to me?

You know what's going on in my life, Sam.

- I know Angelina has gone through a lot,

but at the end of the day, I've been there for her.

- If you're going to call me a toddler, that's not a friend.

I would never call you a toddler.

- You acted rude towards me.

- Although Angelina is a very formidable foe,

she stands no chance against Sam.

- Don't be talking about--

like, talk to me when things bother you.

- Sam has had an unbelievable training course

that is the shore house.

- You had a freak-out

and then got up and walked away,

so I was like, what the hell? - But that's how I am.

- OK, you're deflecting.

- Sam is bodying Angelina right now.

- You called me a f*cking toddler.

- Angelina will say a point,

and Sam is like, you don't make sense.

- I can see right now that this is going in a circle.

I'm sorry I called you a toddler.

- Then we need to be done with it.

I'm willing to remove myself from the situation.

- Again, nothing ever gets, like, fixed or anything...

- I'm not going to talk-- I don't want to talk about it.

- Because you don't know how to communicate or talk.

- Where does she get off talking to me like this?

- Listen, we can move on from it.

I'm sorry I called you a toddler.

I will move past the way you reacted towards me

because I'm a grown adult, and I understand

that maybe you weren't in the right mindset.

- You're a little snarky towards me.

It's a little f*cking weird.

Like, who are you?

You can't even have the decency

to think about what I'm going through in my life.

Like, do I got to, like, f*cking flip the f*ck out?

- Why are you coming for me?

- I would never come for you.

- You have been nothing but talking about me.

Multiple people have pressed me.

Three different people came up--

- Who? Unless you have receipts

and you wanna add people's names,

don't talk about it.

- I think Angelina doesn't like the fact

that I'm getting all this attention for coming back.

You have been nothing but mean except talking about me.

Even on the phone today in the car.

You said my name, and I'm tired of it.

She doesn't like the fact that I don't "thank" her enough.

What is your deal with me? I've been kind to you.

- I've said it to you.

- I have been so kind to you.

- But have you, though?

- I really have been. When have I not?

- You just called me a toddler!

- OK. Please stop.

- My God. - [screams]

all: Ew! - Yo.

This right here is a museum of ejaculation.

- You keep talking about me to people.

- There's no problem with you. - Then stop talking about me!

- ♪ I just took a hit of some power ♪

- I just can't with the dramatics.

Like, this is absurd.

- You just called me a toddler!

- OK. This right here.

- I'm going through a lot!

I'm going through so much sh*t!

- I have been here for you. I have texted you.

You have unanswered texts.

- What? - You don't answer me.

I have been very, very kind towards you.

- When someone is going through a hardship like this--

- What would you like me to do? I've been there for you.

- Don't call me a toddler in a bad time.

- I don't want the problems.

- When you call me a toddler,

that's really hurting my-- that's hurting me.

- OK, so me and you are able to talk about it now,

and I can say I'm sorry that I called you that.

At this point, I will say anything

because I just want her to, like, stop.

Just drop it.

I don't want to be talking about you.

I don't want to call you a toddler.

- OK. - That's it. I don't wanna ca--

- Are you sorry for calling me a toddler?

- For the fact that Sam called Angelina a toddler,

she is not going to get over it until we are in the grave.

- How many times do I have to tell you?

I am sorry for calling you a toddler.

- Please don't do it again.

- Can you let it go?

- Oh, my God. We're going to be here--

we're going to be up all night.

This fight is so stupid.

Every time you hear a toddler, take a shot.

- I'm sorry that I called you a toddler.

[bell rings]

- When somebody calls somebody a toddler,

that's not cool.

- OK. I don't like the way you acted towards me.

- And I don't like that you called me a toddler.

- OK, are you sorry for the way you acted towards me?

- No. I'm not sorry about that.

- Then you don't have to be. I would like to move on.

- Please don't do it again. I don't--

- Can you let it go?

- [laughing] This is f*cking ridiculous.

- This whole conversation with Angelina

is just going in a full circle right now.

Like, I'm not getting through to her

and I'm like, you know what?

This isn't the right time or place.

Like, I'm just going to let it go.

Can we end the night on a good note?

Maybe do a confessional. - Sure!

- And be friends again. - Sure.

- [laughing] Ang, you're arguing about her

calling you a toddler.

[bell rings] - Wait a second.

I'm like, wait, wait a second. - [laughs]

This is embarrassing. - All right, guys.

Let's do a confessional.

I think the only way to break up this madness right now

is to go upstairs and do a confessional.

- This is the most makeshift sh*t I've ever seen.

- All right. On three.

- Wait. We're waiting for the toddler.

- Ang, Ang.

- I'm a toddler. You know what?

It's probably a compliment. At least I'm not old.

- There she is.

- On three, toddler. - Ang.

- Ang, you ready?

- Wait. One, two, three.

all: Toddler!

- "Jersey Shore" Day, b*tches.

[baby crying]

We're staying the night at the shore house, girl.

- We're making it work. - Oh, my God.

- Is this the same beanbag from back in the day?

- Yeah.

- Does this beanbag have, like, c*m stains on it?

- Yep. - I don't wanna lay on it then.

- Well, speaking of that,

the Investigation's in the building.

- I love that.

- I think one of the main procedures

of staying in the shore house

is to break out the black light.

- Is there stuff on there? Check it now.

- Oh, God. Ew! - Oh, my God!

- Oh, right there. Right there.

- c*m stains. - Mike, I jumped on it!

- There's c*m stains on there.

- I'm a mother!

- Right there. Right there.

- There's cream puff on it!

- Well, there's spermies everywhere.

The walls are probably smeared with,

like, semen and fricking disgusting fluids, throw up.

- Ang, turn the lights off.

- [screams] [all exclaiming]

- Oh, def--oh, definitely.

all: Ew! - Definitely.

Yo, this right here is a museum of ejaculation.

- Let's check the beds.

- Damn.

Splittly-splat. - Oops!

- Whose bed is this? both: Nicole's.

- We got a little schnitzel.

- I feel like people pay to f*ck here.

Mm-hmm. Yep.

All right, we're past our bedtime.

- Good night, guys. Great girls' day.

Good night, Dee. All right, guys. Good night.

[mellow percussive music]

♪ ♪

I'm just going to hit the hay like old-school, man.

Oh,casa di amore,man. Peace. Good night.

- ♪ Ain't no competition, don't try ♪

- You caught chlamydia.

- I'm kind of grossed out to go to sleep

in my own bed right now.

Like, I don't want to do it.

I hate this f*cking bed.

[fingernail clicks] I'm getting itchy.

- I don't want to sleep in a ejaculated bed.

- I don't think we can sleep here.

- I want to go home. - Can you take me with you?

- I'm just thinking, you know,

my shore house is literally minutes away.

We're going to my shore house.

- But we should leave Mike here?

- Mike's sleeping,

so let's just go sleep

at my nice shore house

and then we'll come back in the morning

like we never left.

- I'd rather sleep in a gas station bathroom than here.

- [whispering] Angelina.

- I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

[thudding] - [whispering] Oh, my God.

- [laughing] I f*cking--

- [whispering] Shut the f*ck up. Shh.

[upbeat jazz music]

- [laughing] I-- all: Shh!

- Shut up.

- I got it. Is my phone in there?

- Shut the f*ck up.

- I gotta put my sh*t in the back.

Get in the f*cking back.

You're so loud. [laughter]

- How is Mike not awake for this?

- Bye, Mike. Love you.

- Bye, Mike. - Aw.

[snoring]

[upbeat music]

- Wait. We're here already? - All right, get out.

Get out, get out, get out, get out.

- I'm getting the f*ck out, Angelina!

- All right, so this is, like, a nice shore house.

- All right, let's go to bed. - No, wait, wait, wait.

I want to pop champagne, b*tches.

To girls' night! - Girls' night!

[cork pops]

[all cheering]

all: Girls' night!

- It's our night!

- f*ck him. He was sleeping.

- He's sleeping on cream-infested bed.

♪ ♪

- ♪ I want to just scroll nonstop ♪

♪ While I'm taking shots ♪

♪ Vaping, wasted all night long ♪

♪ I know it's wrong and I gotta stop ♪

- Smells like fermented piss in here.

- Oh. [laughter]

Oh, I'm in it. Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. - You spilled your wine.

- Go away!

- It's girls' day, and we have to get back to the house.

- We got to get back to Mike.

- Wait, so is she, like, moving?

Like, is she getting ready?

- I'm not--after what she did to me yesterday,

I'm going to tread lightly with that one.

She's coming for me and I've done nothing but be nice,

so I have no idea what's her deal.

Maybe she just doesn't like me.

Angelina was just coming at me all day yesterday,

but I hope today is much better for me.

- Where you going? - Oh!

[laughter] - Oh, she's dry humping Sam.

And Sam doesn't like physical touch.

- We're friends again.

- Sam doesn't like physical touch.

- We're friends again.

- ♪ Don't you wanna be like this? ♪

- Your hair smells amazing.

- Oh,marone.

- Actually, we're friends again.

- There you go. Give her a little.

- Yeah. I'm actually happy we're friends.

I guess she likes me again.

I just want positive vibes always.

I don't want any negative vibes.

Do you like me?

- I--it's not like I don't like you.

- [gasps] - What is it?

Get off me for a minute.

What is it?

- Ladies, it's : in the morning.

- What's your problem with me?

What's your problem with me?

- Nothing!

- Then why did you just say,

"It's not that I don't like you"?

- It's not that I don't like you!

- But? - What is it?

- But what?

But what, Angelina?

- Did I say the word "but"?

- No, but that's not a end of a sentence.

- We need to never talk, like, bad again.

We've known each other for f*cking--

- I don't talk bad.

You do.

Please. - Sam.

You have a different way of talking.

- You have a problem with me.

I don't have a problem with you.

- I don't have a problem with you.

- You keep talking about me to people!

- I don't have a problem!

- What is your problem with me? - There is no problem with you!

- Then stop talking about me!

I heard you talk about me! Nicole heard it.

- b*tch, I brought you in here. I'll take you the f*ck out.

I said I'm going to come for her?

I'll take you the f*ck out.

And Nicole, why do you even say that?

- She heard you. - I heard it!

- You were so loud. I didn't say anything.

Us girls fight 'cause we're like sisters.

- Stop talking about me!

- But this is, like, hatred fight.

- I want a f*cking friend!

- I've been a friend for you!

- These girls might actually k*ll each other.

- Put your finger out of my face.

- Don't put your finger in my face.

- Don't touch me.

Stop. I'm a -year-old woman.

Stop. Act your age.

- When you said "toddler," that's why I got mad.

- Ang, back up. Put your finger out of my face.

- It's "Jersey Shore" Day!

- I'm in hell.

The power of Christ compels you!

- What's up with the surprise, honey?

[all exclaiming] - Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

[honk honks]

- It's game day!

all: J-E-T-S. Yes, yes, yes!

[siren wailing] - Oh, my God!

You don't do that! - We're gonna get kicked out.