08x05 - Cryo Mort a Rickver

[bunniefuu]

Podcast host: You're about
to learn the tragic fate

of the Oak Point High
lacrosse team.

But this podcast won't cash in
on their specific

and particularly gruesome
group decapitation .

[ Switch clicks ]
Too bad.
Someone else will.

It's a big market, man.

Morty, don't just respond.

Find a podcast
without scruples.

Woman: CryoShip detected.

Ooh, power's still online?
[ Burps ]

Whattaya think, Morty?
Bunch of sleeping beauties?

Wanna go tap
on some glass?

Uh, that could be fun.

W-We haven't done one
of those in a while.

Podcast host #2:
Welcome to "Bloodbath"!

The podcast
that's only grisly details!

[ Burps ]
Now we're talking!

♪

Holy sh*t.
Look at this place.

Damn, Morty, ain't just
your run-of-the-mill ark ship.

This thing is gold-plated.

Wow, w-where
do you think they're going?

Ha ha. Looks like these guys
flung themselves into space

after wrecking
their home world.

This'll be like taking
candy from a baby,

if that baby was in a coma.

Oh. We're--
We're robbing them?

Morty [burps] what did
I just say about scruples?

Whoa, mama.
You see this, Morty?

T-T-This thing is fancy.

Computer said it's got
super-rare hypercoal inside.

Ha ha ha! The planet they left
must be a husk, Morty.

Woman: Access denied.

Huh.

Alright,
on second thought,

let's just blow a hole in the
ship and drag the vault home.

What?!
Help me with these charges.

This'll be quick.
They got fast countdowns.

Rick, I-I'm fine
with taking candy from a baby,

but I-I draw the line
at blowing up the stroller!

What the hell, Morty?!

We're not literally
robbing babies.

Aah!

God damn it, Morty!
Look what you did!

They're counting down
even faster.

[ expl*si*n ]

Fire detected.

Emergency Cryo-wake
commencing in 30 seconds.

You little sh*t!
You woke 'em up!

Good! Let's get outta here!
f*ck you.

I'm not leaving
without that hypercoal!

Now go find that other pod
with a dead guy in it.

Hey!
Sub-Bay 18.

What dead guy?!

Just get in the pod
with the bones!

Or don't, and
get thrown out an airlock.

Cryo-wake in 10 seconds.
You did this to yourself,
Morty.

Everything that happens
after this is your fault.

[ Muffled ] You're
gonna wish you were one
of those Oak Point kids

after I get through with you.
I'm going, I'm going!

Don't you run away
from me!

I've got more to yell
at you, Morty!

Morty!

♪

Cryo-wake in three, two...
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Whoa! Uh! Uh! Aah! Oh! Ah!

[ System powering up ]

♪

Oh, boy.

Talk about cryo-crick
in the neck.

Hope my schwanz still works.

[ Children laughing ]

What's a schwanz?

- Jimmy?!
- Oh, my God!

Jimmy? Is that you?!

Umm, no?

It's our boy, honey--

He's got
the family bald spot.

Doctor! Doctor, please!

Ah, Karen.
How can I--

Oh, my God!

The pod. There must
have been some kind of...

malfunction.

Son?
Are you in there?

What do you remember?

Um, last thing
I remember was being...13.

Doug and Karen: 11.


It must be the pituitary
governor on his pod.

While we were in stasis,

Jimmy kept growing
at an accelerated rate.

Will he be okay?

Short answer-- no.
Long answer-- nope.

Doctor!

I went to school
for medicine, not manners.

Look at him-- gray skin,
necrotic breath, jaundiced eyes.

I give him a week, tops.

[ Crying ] Our poor child!

We're gonna use whatever time we
have left to make things right.

Should I get him
some clothes?

[ Whispering ]
His p*nis is big now.

[ Man coughing ]

Ugh. Wish that pod had
a snooze button.

Alright, Makeys,
let's get to work!

Um, aren't-- aren't we all,
like, super rich?

[ Laughter ]

Only thing "rich" down here
is that joke.

"Chachaco"...
you're on toilet duty.

Ooohhkay, I'm not supposed
to be here.

M-M-My grandpa's a scientist.

I-I just jumped in this pod
because--
What?

MedBay! Got another
compliance chip on the fritz.

Why do I have to mop?!
I should be driving the ship!

[ Screaming ]

Ohhhh! Ha ha.
J-Jokin' again!

I-I'm definitely the thing
you guys are.

Uh, ready to clean!

[ Beeping ]

Doug: Jimmy! There you are!

We've been looking for you.

Are you trying to open
the vault?

I thought maybe
you were stuck in there.

I'm just a kid and, uh, dumb.

That's alright, sweetie.

Money affords us
the ability to be dumb.

Son, it's important to us

that you're recognized
as a man in the eyes of God...

before you die,
which feels soon.

So, tomorrow night,

we're holding
your Constellatio Celebratio!

Pretty sure God
already made me a man.

Like, very rapidly.

But he didn't make you
a citizen.

This will.

And once you join our society,

you'll get access
to our knowledge,

our history...
Our hypercoal?

Well, sure.

You'd get a key
to the vault like every citizen.

You see, son,
we're very, very rich.

Wow. Okay, yeah.
Let's, uh--

Let's Constellatio this up.
I-I'm in!

Ahh, that's the spirit!
Come on, son.

Let's get you a big lollipop

and dress you
like a little sailor.

Ugh! How much sh*t is there?

They've only been
awake for five hours.

[ Whistle blows ]
Grub time, Chachaco!

Hurry.
We only got eight minutes.

Great.

Man, cryo-sleep, huh?

Guess I forgot
how bad the food was.

Yeah,
wish I could forget.

Tastes like lumpy piss.

[ Electricity crackling ]
Aah!

Which I love!

Love piss.
Look at me eat it up.

This gruel,
it's got energy, lumps,

all the things a Makey needs.

Um, why do
we call ourselves that again?

Wow, cryo really took it
outta you, huh?

They gave us that term.

'Cause we "make" it
all possible.

[ Laughter ]
I-If we're Makeys,

may-- may-- maybe
that makes them "Takeys."

Ha ha.

Did you not just get
complio-shocked?

Oh... yeah.

Y-Y-You learn to take the pain.
Heh.

- Whoa!
- Bad-a*s!

Chachaco's hard-core.

Mm.

Rick?! W-Where the hell
have you been?

Morty! Great news.
It's all going as planned.

We didn't have a plan!
We do now.

These people, Morty,
they're golden retrievers.

No natural predators, totally
softened by generational wealth.

Tomorrow they're throwing me
some kind

of "becoming a man" thing and
just giving me the hypercoal.

Who cares?!
Get me outta here!

I-I'm literally scooping sh*t
by hand!

Good. You made your bed,
lay in it.

Gimme the car keys!
No! We're not leaving!

Yes, we are,
you greedy sh*t!

Damn! Chachaco's giving

that old rich kid
a piece of his mind!

Aah! Oh!

Give them to me,
you Takey scum!

Hey! Leave our son alone!

Your son sucks!
Ugh!

Chachaco, are you crazy?!

Get back here!

We'll be speaking
to your manager!

No, no. It's fine.
Just jealous poor people.

Ungrateful monsters!

Impatient, too!

[ Panting ]

Holy sh*t.
Are you crazy?

We're all gonna get it now!

What the hell got
into you, Chachaco?!

He's an as*h*le.

Okay, seriously.

How are
you not getting zapped?

Ow! Hey!
Something's up with his chip.

He don't got one!

- Oh!
- No chip?!

Um, I-I took it out.

They said taking the chips out
would k*ll us.

Chachaco is living proof
it won't.

Wait! Wait! Stop!

[ Thud ]

Chachaco k*lled Tibs!

Should we tell someone?

Listen, I'm not who you--

[ Makeys gasp ]

[ Makeys cheering ]

Chachaco, you're an idiot.

And a g*dd*mn hero!

Um, thanks...

Tell the Makeys to gather.

It's time to show the Takeys
who really runs this ship.

And after you finish
sipping from the final chalice,

the sacred light
will shine down upon you.

You've grown so much.
We are so proud of you.

Jimmy, I used to dread
giving this you.

It's the most precious thing
in our family

and frankly
you were a brat.

But there's nothing
like a fluke cryopod accident

to show you
what really matters.

It's your father's
Constellatio suit,

from his father,
and his father before him.

Oh, that's not necessary.

I'm-- I'm still a brat.

[ Crying ] I'm just glad
we're getting to do this.

We love you, son.

We love you.

Ha ha. Yeah.
L-L-Love you guys, too.

You've never said that before.
Honey, he loves us!

I'm so glad you said it
before you die of old age!

[ Crying ] My boy!

[ Crying ] Oh, Jimmy!

[ Sighs ]

Fresh planet,
fresh start.

Fresh planet, fresh start.

We have a slogan now?
Catchy, huh?

Tibs is looking for ya.
Great cover, by the way--

acting like nothin's happening.

General Chachaco!

General?

Together:
Fresh planet, fresh start!

You taught us the only way
to beat those rich b*stards

is to actually beat them.

Check out this.
It's a Bang-Bang.

To bang people's heads in.
My invention.

Yeeeeah. Maybe we put a pin
in the Bang-Bang

and peacefully ask
for some change-change?

What am I saying?
They put chips in your heads.

Phew. For a second,
you sounded like Spoogler.

Ha ha.
Yeah, w-where is Spoogler?

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, my God!

Spoogler's out there waiting
to hear both sides of the issue.

Meanwhile, we're gonna
take out the Takeys.

Ah, geez,
I-I-I don't know.

We-- We got that old kid's
party tomorrow.

That's brilliant, General!
Attack during the party.

Not-- Not quite
what I was pitching.

Those Takeys are gonna regret
the day they messed with you!

We--
We got a hand thing now?

For the resistance.

T-This feels too long
for a secret handshake.

[ Thud ]
Aah!

Together: Constellatio!
[ Camera shutter clicks ]

The crew is so proud
of you, Jimmy.

You've really taken

your grossly shortened
life-span in stride.

I couldn't think of two
better parents to die before.

Aww, get over here,
ya goofball!

Hey, my hair!
I just put gel in!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

♪

Ah, geez.

Father, we gotta delay
the ceremony.

Something bad
is going to happen.

I sure hope so.

Great idea to stick pins
in the Bang-Bangs.

[ Feedback whining ]

People of Plociff,

tonight young James Jamerson
ascends to manhood.

Hell yeah! Gonna be a man!
[ Cheers and applause ]

Rick,
we really gotta go now.

Aah!
Don't ruin this
for these people.

Party people!
Let's hit those chalices!

We love it, son!

Proud of you!

[ Gulping ]

Alright, Father. Gimme the
light. I'll take it from here.

How 'bout you take this
in your Takey neck?!

Watch out!
Whoa!

Going off script, padre.

Party's over, Takeys!

Why isn't she complying?

It's not working!

Fresh planet, fresh start!

[ Screaming ]

Aah!

- Yah!
- Bang-bang!

Wait! You can't attack them!
They're helpless.

They don't even know
that food comes from somewhere.

♪

We gotta get to someplace safe.
L-Like the vault.

Gimme that!
You got it, boss!

[ Screaming ]

My bad.

Morty. Change of plans.

Take me to the vault!
Now!

- Please don't hurt our boy!
- Just do what he says.

But if this deranged janitor
kidnaps me

and steals everything
from this vault,

j-just know you two
were great parents.

Really unreasonably trusting.
Maybe too trusting.

Honey, what are
you talking about?

Open that safe,
or you're worm food!

♪

Greetings, Doug Jamerson.

Thank you for being rich.

♪

[ Grunting ]

Jesus, Morty!

Doug and Karen's only crime
is naively benefiting

from systemic inequity.

Just grab the loot,
you big baby!

Interesting.

Wait, what?!
You-- You gotta be kidding me!

They robbed us!

The rich kid
and the janitor

put aside their differences
to f*ck us over!

Let's follow
their example.

Mob justice!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Hold on a second!
- We can explain!

- Where's our money?!
- Where's our money?!

We told you--
We don't know.

You manipulated a working class
to rise against a ruling class.

I was right, Chachaco--
You are funny,

but not in the "ha ha" way.

In the bad way, like
"is my dog sitting like that

because he's watching TV
with us

or is he 'expressing
his a**l glands'" funny.

Oof. Long walk.

Under the Laws of Space,
I sentence you to death.

Wait! Jimmy couldn't
have done this!

I opened the safe
and it was empty.

Sorry, Doug.

We checked the vault's log,
and the last person

to access it was, in fact,
Jimmy Jamerson.

That's not possible.
Jimmy Jamerson is dead.

[ Crowd gasps ]

I don't understand.

Karen, let me make this as
gentle as I can-- We're aliens.

Come on, let's go see
your dead son's bones.

[ Crowd gasps ]

Bones?!

Oh, sh*t. Monkey bones.
Was Jimmy a monkey?

Lizzy! No!
I thought you escaped!

What the hell is going on?!

I'm a zoologist.

Not you!

[ Beeping ]

Karen: Jimmy?

And apparently,
Guffy Chachaco.

They thought I was that guy?!

These two hacked
the vault 30 minutes

after you all
started hypersleep.

So Jimmy's still alive?

f*ck him!
Where the hell is our money?!

They bought a yacht.
It's on Blackjack 9.

They weren't very discreet.

Why would they be?

They thought you'd be asleep
for the next 200 years.

Little as*h*le.

When you woke up,
we thought Jimmy'd grown

into a thoughtful, kind man.

We were so happy.
This guy?

Rick: They were nice,
so I was nice back.

Try it sometime, Morty.

Sorry to be the "money" guy,

but our cash is
on a casino planet

and we're all
just standing here?!

[ Indistinct shouting ]
Wait! Wait!

All that money did is tear you
apart-- from your friends,

your neighbors,
even your old home.

But now you can go to
a whole new world as equals.

A place
where you can live--
[ Horns honk ]

Son of a b*tch.
They're already gone.

Damn it. I was about
to tie it all together.

Space race, Morty! Let's go!

Gonna pay off med school,
baby!

Aah!
Time of death is now!

Hey!

♪

T-They're gonna k*ll
each other for that money, Rick!

Why didn't
we take your car?!

Constellatio gift
from a rich uncle.

Be rude not to take it.

[ Mockingly ] Ha ha!
I never believed in God!

I do believe in God!
I do believe in God!

♪

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Chachaco, when I met you,

you were scooping
hot steamers out of a pipe.

So I saved you.

Now blow some working-class
luck on these dice, amigo.

[ Blows ]

Wa-h*! Jimmy!

All the money goes
to the 11-year-old

and his best friend.
- Yeah!

Hey, turn up the TV.

A massive space race
is under way,

apparently chasing down a large
fortune of stolen money.

Glizop is live with the story.
Glizop?

Tim, I'm here at the scene,
where I'm gonna be rich!

I quit! Aah! Snap!

Wish he didn't do that.
Those mics are expensive.

In any case, here's a picture
of the suspected thieves.

Oh, sh*t.
Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.
sh*t! Oh, man! Oh, God!

[ Both panting ]

Ah, farts!
It's my dumb parents!

Punch it, Chachaco!
Load up the hypercoal!

Hey! I gotta pay for those!

And soon I can!

[ Engine starts, bell clangs ]

♪ Lovely pennies,
copper pennies ♪

♪ Little
window-shopper pennies ♪

♪ Lincoln-headed pennies,
touch them when I'm all alone ♪

Son of a b*tch!

You're a terrible doctor!

Tell that to my money!

I will!

♪ Eat my pennies,
kiss my pennies ♪

♪ Give a lil' miss my pennies ♪

♪ If you have a penny,
then I'll have you for my own ♪

That money can't bring back
Lizzy,

but it can buy another monkey
that I will also name Lizzy.

♪ My mouth is full of pennies,
pennies ♪

♪ Say it once again ♪
[ Screams ]

Thank you, New Lizzy.

♪ Tinkly pennies,
sweaty pennies ♪

♪ Throw-'em-like-confetti
pennies ♪

♪ A hundredth of a dollar
is as much as I require ♪
[ Horn blows ]

[ Laughs ]
I'm driving the ship!

I'm finally driving the ship!

Uhhhhhh! Riiiiiick!

Okay.
Think he found a shortcut?

No, he's just nuts.

♪

[ Radar g*n beeps ]

My favorite part of the job--
escalating situations.

♪

Hey!
The race hasn't started yet!

Kinda bummed to leave
that race behind.

Thought we'd end up winning it
by accident.

Oh! Chicken coop cluster!

It's all coops!
Wall-to-wall coops!

[ Screaming ]

[ Coughing ]

Why would you roll
the windows down?

I wanted
the full experience.

♪ Pennies, pennies,
shiny pennies ♪

♪ Have-them-all-for-mine-y
pennies ♪

♪ Melt me down for pennies
in a crackling metal fire ♪

You have the right
to remain poor!

You have the right
to shut up!

Rick, there's too many
of 'em!
Smoke 'em if you got 'em!

♪ Nothing I won't do to get
a pocketful of cents ♪

Oh, man!
They're on our a*s!

Man: I'll eat dirt for pennies.

Why is this old dude
wearing my Constellatio suit?!

You don't deserve
Karen and Doug!

Guffy: Eat a d*ck!
[ Grunts ]

Ow! Blue-collar guys
always have an arm.

[ Pounding on door ]
Oh, I'm gonna be
so grounded!

We prepared for this,
Jimmy.

Kiss the back of my head.

[ expl*si*n ]

You little brat!

You can't hit me!
I'm a kid!

I can't hit you.
You're old.

♪

[ g*n c*ck ]
Back!

I'd hold on to something,
Rick.

You wouldn't.

♪

[ Screaming ]

♪

I-I can reach it!
Leave it, Guffy!

We'll steal more!

[ Screams ]
Nooo!

♪

God damn it!
We were right there!

These people will
never stop k*lling each other

for this dumb sh*t.

It's over, Rick.

Chachaco, you funny b*stard.

All our wealth--

It's gone.

Ah, screw it.
I've come this far.

What's that lunatic doing?!

Taking our money!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

♪

[ Screaming ]

♪

[ Screaming ]

[ Electricity crackling ]

♪

I made it way worse.

Jimmy!
You're in big trouble, mister!

How could you rob
your own parents?!

[ Crying ]

I'm sorry!

I thought it'd be funny
if you guys woke up

and thought I turned into
a monkey.

- In 200 years?!
- You're a piece of sh*t!

You are a piece of sh*t.

Stay out of this, fake son!

Ohh, Jimmy, you're a f*ck up.

But we always threw cash
at the problem.

Now that we just have
these gold bars,

we'll have to throw ourselves.

Dad? I owe money
to some baaad people.

I set the navigation
to a nearby inhabitable planet.

Also gave everyone
a compliance chip.

Y-You can finally get
that fresh start.

We'll be fine as long
as these poor idiots don't--

[ Screaming ]

Not so fun, is it, you Takey?
Aah!

And if you remove those chips,
you will die.

Thanks... uh, Rick, right?

Yeah. Sorry for pretending
to be a deformed version

of your dead son
and try to rob you.

That's pretty messed up
in hindsight.

It's messed up
in any sight.

Rick, in only two days,
you were a better son

than Jimmy ever was.

[ Muffled ] I can hear you!

Shut up, Jimmy! Aah!

Yeah, shut
your f*cking mouth! Aah!

Using all our money to pay off
your g*dd*mn loan sharks!

You suck, Jimmy!

Ah, I wish you were never born!
We're putting you up
for adoption!

[ Doug and Karen scream ]

You're a loser! Aah!

Welp.
The treasure is gone.

And there were massive
casualties on both sides.

Still, I think we did good.

Right?

Rick? Y-You okay?

Guess it's true--

You can choose your friends, but
you can't choose your family.

But I am family.

And you did choose me.

Yeah, it's a stupid quote.

Woman: Cryo-ship detected.
Class-- medical.

They typically have some
pretty good drugs in those.

Okay.
But five minutes, tops.

And y-you can't hog
all the drugs this time.

Sold!

♪



New Lizzy,
think about this.

That's all our money.
We were gonna start a new life.

[ Shrieking ]

Ah, Jesus,
you dumb f*cking monkey.

Three of a kind
to the lizard man.

And a full house
for the monkey!

New Lizzy! Holy f*ck,
I always knew you could do it.

God, I love you!

[ Chattering ]

It's days like these that
remind me why I got into this.

Did you get any of that?