01x02 - Hand It Over, Teacher

[bunniefuu]

A NETFLIX SERIES

Hey, boy!

Let go of that phone now!

-I guess we can go on.
-Let's go on.

Hello? Hi, Weliton.

Auntie Isadir is back on the job market
teaching private classes.

I had so many bad students.

-I thought of you.
-Mom?

-Mom?
-He hung up.

Dear, be quiet!

-Shall we continue?
-We shall.

How do you balance work life
and married life?

Oh, well…

They don't balance anything.
They don't get it on.

-Unbalanced people.
-Mom, this is an interview.

-Stop it!
-Family talk.

-Excuse my mother-in-law.
-But…

-They're family too, honey.
-Some are not.

Better fix that, people.

-Geez.
-Hello, Jeferson?

Grandmas are like TikTok, bro.
Totally embarrassing.

-Mom?
-Yes?

We need a little bit of privacy. Quit it!

I need a bit of Wi-Fi.

I'm making phone calls through WhatsApp,
but it isn't working, Carlos!

-Why not?
-This is such a huge house.

Even the Wi-Fi signal gets lost in here.

Damn right.

What are you up to now, Isadir?

I'll put some steel wool
on the Wi-Fi antenna.

It used to work with our old TVs.

Hi, how are you? God help us.

Those large antennas
don't work anymore, Isadir.

No, Mom, I have to disagree.

Yesterday, I put a huge antenna to work.

Great connection all night long.

Marcia, we need to talk.

Of course. Go ahead, ask away.

Great. Back to it. Tell me one thing.

You're a celebrity attorney.

Is it hard work to deal with their egos?

No, not at all.

When they're sober. If they get plastered…

We had a party here. Yes, I'll tell them.

-Why?
-Reporters like to know this stuff.

What's her name?

That actress on the soap opera.

-She's that other one's cousin.
-Which one?

The one dating that…
We haven't seen her in a while.

He wanted to get…

-It's coming to me.
-You better forget it, Mom.

C'mon, let her spill the tea.
I love a juicy story.

I like them juicy. I got the munchies.

Know what I'm saying?

Is he the jokester of the family?

-He's a clown, actually.
-Tell me all about it.

No, Jonas. You're too heavy.
Too many snacks.

I'll tell you all about it. This one time…

Let's say it was a small gathering.

We had people over.

Two couples went into the powder room.

That's classier than "bathroom."

Two couples in there. I knocked.
"Do you need anything?"

-Are you telling him?
-Yes.

They said, "We're swapping."

-Wow.
-I know.

"Do you mean sweeping?"

Later I found out it was an orgy.

Let's change the subject.

-Mom looks hot today.
-Thanks, son.

Dude, are you working out?

-Jesus!
-Settle down.

They are our offspring.

-Jonas and Marcia.
-Don't block me.

Marcia goes to med school.

-A doctor? Where do you go?
-Grey's Anatomy.

She locks herself in the bedroom
and watches it all day.

She's buying her diploma.

I'm majoring in drinking.

One, two, three, drink.
Making promises I can't keep.

I may get into politics one day.

I'll be her test patient.

I'm proud of my granddaughter.

-I want a new boob.
-Mom!

Gorgeous.

How about Jonas?

Should I get a boob job too?

Let's take a family picture.

One picture!

-Yes!
-Yes.

Jonas, next to Grandma. Come over here.

Yes, the youngest in the front.

He'll hide my pouch. I need a tummy tuck.

Let's smile for the picture.

Not in the background.

This way, then.

-Say "cheese."
-Smile.

-Let me hold the vase.
-One more, please.

Take it.

Careful, darling.

It's a renowned vase by a renowned artist.

It's very expensive. I love it!

Great taste. Who's your stylist?

Oh, no, I dress myself.

Really? Wonderful.

Since I was in a hurry,
I'm pretty basic today.

I'm wearing sandals by Valentino,

a Chanel dress,

and a Tiffany necklace.

Glamorous!

Tiffany is Steffany's cousin.

They sell handmade jewelry.

Their fake silver doesn't shine, though.

They have a shop downtown,
close to the main square.

Glamorous. What about you?
What are you wearing?

Tell us all about it.

I got these sandals at a street vendor.

Great savings.

These pants were damaged,
but they were on clearance.

Creuza fixed them for me.

I brought this blouse from the north.

Actually, our whole family…

Dad's family is from the north.

But Dad could never get it up
and point north.

It only worked
after a lot of encouragement.

-Did it work?
-He couldn't start it up.

How about me?

-I got no satisfaction.
-Mom.

-Enough!
-Okay.

-Don't mention it.
-Great interview, but I got to go.

-Me too.
-I'm in a hurry.

-Time to go.
-See you.

-I'm going too.
-Thanks.

Bye.

Let me give you a tour.

-Can I?
-Sure! Take photos.

-This is the living room.
-Of course.

Let me show you.

Dear, one coffee.

The magic word?

Sugar-free, keto only.

Can't help you, then.

I'm pretty sure Alice is the boss.
You don't pay me.

I pay you by putting up with you, Marinez.

Listen, there's no story here.
I better go.

-Got a scoop for you.
-Yes?

Is it hot stuff?

Am I what?

Is it hot stuff?

Are you flirting with me
because I'm a MILF?

Geez!

Get real, Isadir!

-No way--
-He ain't talking about you.

And I know that.

I'm trying out a double entendre.

So, if there's no scoop, I'm out of here.

-No, sit down.
-Coffee?

-Have some coffee.
-Thanks, darling.

Actually, about the scoop.
As I was saying…

They're only keeping me here--

-No sugar?
-Sugar-free.

-Geez.
-That's what I ordered.

-Without sugar.
-I want a cup.

I live with them.

I'm retired, but I'm looking for a job.

-I have my needs.
-Are you destitute?

No, I need butt implants.

-I need one boob job.
-One boob?

Yes, one at a time.

I'm from a poor background.
I pay in installments.

Listen, let's do this.

I'll blog about your job-seeking saga.

They never give us a chance
to talk about the language.

Languages are full of nuances, right?

Instead of "really tired,"
you can say "exhausted."

Is it "you and me" or "you and I"?

Should I stay, or should I go?

Come what may, whatever may come.

Is it two words, or is it hyphenated?

Hey, Isadir.

Isadir!

-Isadir?
-Yes?

He left 15 minutes ago. You can stop now.

He didn't take notes?

-Good morning, Aloisio.
-Morning!

Listen up.

Marcia, dear, take this to med school.

Show your friends.
I'm giving private lessons.

-All right, Grandma.
-Thanks.

Are you going out?

-I have a date.
-Really?

I got to find someone on Tinder.
I'm swiping right all day.

Talking about that, I think
I pulled my back sweeping the floor.

-Try stretching.
-He was on top of Marinez.

Isadir, time to leave me alone!

Don't talk behind my back.

You ain't seen me crazy yet.

You should actually say "haven't seen."

Okay, I'm teaching private classes.

He won't complain about my privates.

I'm off to Fatima's. Nothing to do here.

What are you gonna do there?

Nothing, but with Fatima.

-Fatima!
-What?

Soap opera?

-How about porn?
-Are you crazy?

-I want to see things.
-No, you don't.

Hi, Auntie. You're famous now, honey.

I saw you on that gossip site
with your entire family.

Did I look good or old?

-You looked the same.
-Old, then.

-You're hot stuff, Fatima?
-Think so? Thanks.

You're melting.

-Geez.
-Gimme a break.

UNKNOWN CALLER

It must be a new student.

-Let's see.
-Okay.

Hello?

Auntie Isadir's private class.
How may I help you?

Hi, Clebinho. How are you?

Yes, private classes. I'm back at work.

Your kid?

So the whole family is illiterate.

No, I was just joking.

Yes, I'm teaching.

Are you in the neighborhood?
You can come over, then.

Where?

Do you remember Fatima,
the lunch lady at school?

Yeah, she looks even worse now.

-Hey, Auntie?
-Yes?

-Is he cute?
-Are you desperate?

I'm married now.

So you're not getting laid, then.

No, Cléber. Sorry.
I was talking to my godson.

No, Clé--

-You won't come over here?
-Good.

My place?

Yes, we have a branch uptown.

That makes me happy. Bye.

-Let's celebrate, Fatima!
-What?

Let's celebrate my first student.

Won't Carlos and Alice get upset?

-They're upset with you in the pool.
-Geez!

-Here.
-C'mon, Isadir!

-So you won't drown.
-Stop it.

Well, sh*t floats, so you're okay.

Go to hell!

I'm just kidding, Fatima! I love you.

I'm not going now.

-Come, Fatima!
-I'm cooking.

-Drop me off at my destination first.
-Yes.

-Then go back for Fatima and Cezinha.
-Okay.

-Did I tell you?
-Three times.

I'm going back to work.

Did you use to yell at students?

Only at their mothers.

Listen, honey, those mothers…

They don't teach their kids manners.

They used to say, "You must teach my kid."

I'd tell them, "Go to hell.
Teach them manners at home."

Did you say that?

I'd say, "Go to hell!"

I should tell them to go eat sh*t.

Okay, if you say so, I believe you.

-I'm much mellower now.
-Really?

Now I'm specializing in lower education.

You mean "higher education."

I target people with low IQ.

Good thing I did track and field.

Hi, Clebinho. How are you?
Come on in, my dear.

Damn! You livin' it up, Teach!

Right? Do I look slimmer?

No, you look old.

Where's your son?

So, Teach, here's the thing.
The boy's not doing too good.

He woke up feeling sick.

I came for the lesson,
then I'll pass it out to him.

-Okay?
-It's "pass it on."

You know, as a dad, I got to be evolved.

You mean "involved."

You understand.

Well, you're doing good.

You live in a mansion,
in a nice community.

I saw you in the magazine.

You gotta be full of dough.

Remember that old saying?

I mind my own business. And you?

You mind your own.
Was that active or passive voice?

I'm no passive, dammit!

If you do it, it's active.
And if it's done to you?

You're passive
because you suffer the consequences.

I get it. Let me show off my knowledge.

-All right.
-Gotta get real now.

-Okay.
-It's a holdup!

-Yes…
-R-O-B-R-E-R.

What is it? R-O-B-R-E-Y.

What are you doing?

Practicing for a spelling bee?

I'm here to rob you. R-O-B--

Don't try it again. It's "robbery."

I got my .38 right here.

-My God!
-Here it is.

-k*ll her!
-Here it is.

-Isadir!
-It's mine now.

This criminal was your pupil?

I had a g*ng back then.

He's flying solo now.

Pardon her French. Potty-mouth.

You calling me sh*t now, Teach?

No, it wasn't me.
She's the one who said it.

You better watch it. You feel me?

Isadir, I already told you
not to invite strangers into my home.

He's not a stranger. I was his teacher.

-Listen up. You two sit down!
-Sit.

-You both sit down.
-We sat down.

If you ain't behave and keeps quiet,

you gonna wish you would of listen.

Were you his grammar teacher?

-My worst student ever.
-Shut it!

It's shut.

Gimme your valuables.
I'll take the cactus.

Not my cactus. I named her Juliette.

I want dough, valuables. Fill up my bag.

She owns the house. I'm the maid.

Liar. I'm the maid over here.

Wait a minute.

I'd love to be the maid here.

At least I'd get paid and get benefits.

I'd steal some steaks too.

I never stole them.
They weren't that good.

Quiet, Marinez! We'll talk later.

No, I must say it.

Steaks are too expensive. That's a crime.

Don't change the subject, all right?

Time is money, right?

Our security guards
must be looking for you.

This gated community
has cameras all over the place.

She ain't joking.
It's like being on a reality show.

So much dirty laundry.

By the way, I'm doing the laundry.

Come back here.

-Stay.
-I'll do it later.

-C'mon.
-It ain't worth it.

-Hold on.
-The laundry can wait.

Life is so precious, isn't it, Mrs. Alice?

-Quiet, Marinez.
-Blink, there's a g*n in your face.

If I had a g*n, I'd shut you up.

Isadir, ain't life flashing
right before your eyes?

g*dd*mn it!

Take it easy. Let's--

He has that tape we used to use
to fix broken shoes.

Can I have some?

I have some cheap sandals to fix.

Show me the way to crack your safe!

It's right here.

That's not funny, Teach!

I wasn't trying to be funny.

Stay quiet, Isadir. Shut up!

You're invading my privacy!

-Feeling invaded?
-Yes!

Shouldn't of bag…

Shouldn't of beg…

Bagged? Bragged.

-Right?
-That's right.

Saw your pictures on the web.

Was I wearing too much makeup?
Did I look like a clown?

I try to cover the dark circles
under my eyes,

so I won't look like a panda.

You think I'm paying attention
to your panda face?

I had my eye on this huge flat screen.

Is that a Philippe?

No, it's a Sonya.

I'll take it.

Isadir, who's to blame for all this?

-You are.
-Me?

You were flaunting your necklace.

Is that for real?

I warned her.

"Steffany makes nice jewelry
that's much cheaper than Tiffany's."

-Bag it.
-Not my Tiffany!

-Take it.
-Not my Tiffany! I'll k*ll you!

No problem. He'll k*ll us both.

No fancy talking, lady!

Please, my Tiffany.

-God…
-Say your goodbyes.

-Bag it.
-There.

-That's my savings.
-There.

What's that? Intercom?

-Come and answer it now.
-Okay, we'll do it.

Come with us.

Come, Marinez. You better hop.

Come with me.

Come.

So?

Who's answering it?

Marinez.

Well…

-Answer it, Teach.
-The magic word?

Answer that sh*t!

Hey!

-Yes?
-Say it's all good.

-It's all good.
-All good.

-All great.
-Good.

-Perfect.
-Perfect.

Fatima and Cezinha?

Nobody. Don't let them in.

Just a sec. Let them in.

Fatima is unstable.
She can't live without me.

If you don't wanna die, you better listen.

Yes, okay.

It's okay, but nobody else.

Just Fatima and Cezinha.

Good.

Isadir, I told you I don't want
your low-class friends over.

-Low what?
-Class.

Low-class?

sh*t. The ones coming in have no money.

Don't talk like that.

You're discriminating against them.

Don't discriminate. You're lower class.

Actually, they're middle class.

Cleusa, for example, bakes cakes.

Cleusa Cake is a baker.

Mug cakes! Hello?

Come in, Reginaldo. Kisses, dear.

Marinez, go slow.

Here.

What's all that?

What's that? I'mma blow you up!

-What's that? God!
-My vase!

-God!
-Wait! Your vase?

You worry more about a vase
than about your husband?

Of course! It's imported!

-You're crazy!
-Hold on! I know this!

If it hit the peritoneum, the projectile
may be in the intra-articular cavity!

The projectile?

What the heck is going on?

Who's the crazy one?

Oh, Saint Gilberto Gil
and Saint Caetano Veloso!

-Calm down, Carlos.
-What?

I've gone back to teaching again.

Explain yourself, then.

I told you
not to teach private classes here.

I deeply regret it.

You'll take it to your grave, then.

Oh my God!

Can I rest now?

-Okay.
-Thanks.

-Hands up again.
-sh*t!

He's playing the Squid Game with us!

-That's right!
-C'mon, Mom!

Hold on before you k*ll us all.

Fatima is almost here.
You'll get the combo.

The doorbell.

-Go get it.
-Lord, help me.

I'll get it.

-I'll get it.
-Run, Mommy, run!

I can't! It's my nerves!

Fatima, come on in.

-Yay.
-Hi, everyone.

How are you?

I'm dying for a swim.

I'll keep my hair dry.
I've straightened it.

Are you praying, honey? So nice.

Yeah.

-What's that?
-Some beans for you.

No, I'd rather die on an empty stomach.

Listen up…

-Cute. Is he with you?
-No.

No, but he's screwing everyone.

Hand over the DVD.

-It's season one.
-Season two too.

You two, hands up. It's a holdup.

Leave Fatima alone!

She has bursitis and smells.

Here's the deal.

Gimme all your valuables.

For God's sake, my Diesels!

I'm not here to steal fuel, dude!

I mean my pants. They're Italian.
I haven't paid them off.

I get it. I want anything worth money.

Cash.

-Cash?
-Excuse me, man.

I'm sweating my ba*ls off!

If you want cash, take Alice.

She has invested a lot.

Boob job, butt implants,
porcelain teeth, hair extensions.

I get it. I want anything worth money.

I have a pre-paid phone and beans.

-Pre-paid?
-Yes.

-Pass the beans.
-God!

Get off me!

-Now what?
-Get off me!

Now what? Beat him up!

Stop!

-I'm a student!
-Enough!

I'm the law!

Let's talk now.

Take that!

I'm allergic! Stop it!

sh*t hit the fan, bro.

C'mon, player.

What now?

-Is that the police?
-They're here.

They always come in late.

To hell with you too!

In the name of Saint George!

Auntie, you're crazy.

It's just that…

So here's the deal.

I…

I got lost, you know.

Yes… I remember now.

What are you doing, Isadir?

I forgot the steel wool over there.

The steel wool.

Sorry.

Wait for what?

Oh, did the bell ring already?

C'mon, gimme more.

-I forgot my line.
-I want it…

What is it?

For the love of God. Give me a break.

I'm tired of running
up and down this house.

-My back hurts!
-Who gives a sh*t?

Please.

-Thanks.
-Man!

You may go. Run. I'll get the door.

I got to open the door, Aloisio. My Lord!