01x09 - Dog Days

[bunniefuu]

A NETFLIX SERIES

I don't like this chair.

I prefer the old one.
This one is too woody.

I've got to sit carefully.
I have a bony a*s.

Some of that wood could poke me
right in my back eye.

Could you tighten it so it won't be loose?
I don't want to fall.

Don't worry, I like it tight.

Promise?

If you weren't married…

How did you know? The ring?

No. Beer belly.

That's what happens when you marry.

Married people don't exercise much,
just with sex.

That one doesn't work out
because my son's junk won't work.

She's always in a bad mood.

Are you insane, Isadir?

Told you. Good morning, Alice.

-Good morning.
-Good morning, Isadir.

I said, "Hi" in our group chat.
Got no reply.

I left our group chat.

I added you again, all right?

I added you back to let you know

that the old chair is being donated
to Cézar.

It'll be at my house, okay?

Good morning.

Good morning.

-Good morning. How are you?
-Beautiful.

Hello, love.

-Morning. I love my new chair.
-Morning.

Is my mother in your way?

Not at all.

Why don't you go talk to
your friends downtown?

-They're so old.
-What?

I can't talk to them.
It's like a rap concert.

"Say what?"

My dear Lord. Well, Mom.

You're sure she's not bothering you?

Mommy likes minding
other people's business.

I never do that.

-You didn't interrogate him?
-I didn't.

You were baptized at the same church.

His nephew will be baptized this week.
He's going through tough times.

He used his sister-in-law's card
and can't pay her back.

Well, I'm all done here. I must go.

Thanks, my friend. This way.

How about a tip?

He's going through tough times.
Give him a tip.

No need for tips. I've already paid, Mom.

I got no cash.

As a retired teacher,
I don't have a f*cking penny to my name.

And I have to tip him?

-Give him cash.
-Okay.

Here you go, my friend. Thanks.

-C'mon, Carlos.
-What?

So cheap. I taught you manners.

I'm not cheap, Mom.

No. Two reais is too little.

Beggars wouldn't accept that.

Give the man a fair amount.

Please, Carlos.

-Thanks, friend.
-Thanks.

-Happy now?
-I'll keep the two reais.

Don't be damn greedy. Go with God.

That's funny, Mom.

At home or at work, I get no tips.

That's great. Give Mommy a hug.

-Carlos.
-Oh, Mom.

Oh, how I miss
putting some baby powder down there.

-Let's go, Mommy.
-Let's go.

Let go of the phone.

-Hey.
-What?

I ain't no snitch, okay?

Marinez is late again.

-Let her go, then.
-I should let her go?

-Will you take care of the house?
-Let's keep her, then.

She's nice, Carlos. She does a good job.

I'm nice and do a good job,
but girls always let me go.

-They do?
-Yes.

-Daddy's player.
-That's me.

-Daddy's player.
-That's me.

That's me.

-No, that's not right.
-Why not, Dad?

I didn't get that.

That's structural sexism.

-Structural?
-Yes.

Sexists shall not pass! All right?

That's it, Marcia.
You see a hot guy walking around?

-Get him.
-Get him.

You can say "get him" all you want.

I was just talking to Alice.
She can't stand having you here anymore.

Your heart condition
won't guarantee your stay.

My heart condition
won't guarantee anything.

I'll meet Saint Barbara.

Okay. All right, Reginaldo.

Okay, just a second. All right.

That's why we need Marinez.
She's the only one who understands him.

I guess it's for Grams.

Oh, I never get anything anymore.
What could it be?

I'm so anxious now.

I can hardly wait.

Hello, ma'am.

Hmm left you a gift.

What? I didn't get that.

Hmm left you this gift.

A gift? Oh, that's… that's nice. Thanks.

My dog days are over.

About that…

-What is it?
-A dog.

-A dog?
-Davi left him here.

Davi?

I don't know a Davi. Good day.
Get a speech therapist.

Women who like pets, especially dogs,
get on my good side.

I really love dogs.

Ma'am, your dog.

I really can't keep the dog.

If the dog comes in, I'll be kicked out.

Allergic daughter-in-law.

Davi can't keep him, and he wondered
if you could give him a hand.

That same Davi,

when I needed a hand down there,

was of no help at all.

Please go, okay? Go with God, all right?

Kisses.

What's that, Mom?

Yeah, it's the…

The bell is stuck.

I'll call the doorman.

No!

Close the door, doorman.

Stay by the toilet.
Don't forget to flush when you pee.

Morning, Isadir.

Morning, Marinez.

You're late.
It'll be deducted from your pay.

I make so little money as is.

I'm late, but you have no idea
what just happened to me.

You know Aloisio, who works here?
We're doing it.

He spent the night with me.
I swear to God.

He spent the entire night
spooning with me in bed.

I don't want details on your sex life.

That's not it, Isadir.

I'm not talking about sex.
He rolls me to the side so I won't snore.

I guess I was bothering him,
so he spooned with me all night.

All night long.

What is that? Cookies?

Yes, cookies, don't worry.

-Give me one. I had no breakfast.
-Not this one.

If I can't get a raise,
can't you spare a cookie?

This cookie--

-Won't you share?
-Take it.

Gluttony is a sin.

A candle for my angel
to rescue me from this sh*t.

God bless you, my child.

Wow, my allergies are back
out of the blue with no pet in sight.

No, there are no pets around.

-Bless you.
-C'mon.

-I'll blow my nose.
-Don't.

Not here.

No, nope, don't, you can't. No!

Why can't I use
my own powder room, Isadir?

My insides were bubbly.

Then I ate papaya with chia seeds.

Have a great day. Go with God.
Good day, you perfect lady.

Know what's crazy?

There are mugs for right-handed people,
not for left-handed people.

So disrespectful, right?

No way.

Marinez?

Where are the artisanal cookies I got?

The only cookies I saw… Wow.

I ate some that Isadir gave me.
They were so delicious.

-Bone shaped.
-Boy.

Help your mom. Get off the phone.

-Find the cookies.
-Geez.

-I'll help her.
-Go now.

-I'll put it down.
-Do it.

Tomorrow. It's an addiction.
I can't go cold turkey on it.

I agree with that.

I'm going back to my low carb diet.

Why use foreign terms?
Go straight to hell.

Everyone uptown is bilingual, darling.

-Is that a dog barking?
-I heard it.

There must be a stray cat outside.

Do cats bark now?

Everyone uptown is bilingual.

I want the fancy cookies
my friend got me from India.

These? She's not your friend, then.
They taste horrible.

This is 100% whole wheat.

Staying skinny is a challenge.

I'd rather challenge my gallbladder
and eat Doritos.

These cookies are sugar-free.

Lactose-free.

Free of taste, flavor, and enjoyment.

People, can't you hear it?
There must be a dog around.

No dog in sight. You're totally…

-It can't be.
-Just let it be.

I don't hear it. You said barking?

-Is it outside?
-Look at the chair.

Beautiful chair, right?
Alice has great taste.

Did you need another chair in the house?

How many butts are there?

No need to count my tiny little butt.

In college, my nickname was "Flat Bottom."

The chair is for our reading room.

It looks like a doctor's office.

There are so many chairs,
soon there'll be someone yelling, "Next."

-Mom.
-Go to hell.

As Alice said, it's for reading.

It's extremely comfortable.
It's above average.

When you get your credit card statement,
it will be above average.

Here at our complex,
everyone has signature furniture.

-She didn't know.
-At home too.

My cleaner's daughter
used to sign her name everywhere.

Chiquinha. I loved that kid.

-Mom.
-She'll never get it.

It's a chair by Sérgio Rodrigues.

The Sérgio from downtown makes
four of these for half the price.

Wake up, Alice. You got scammed.

Mom, look at the cute puppies
up for adoption at my university.

ADOPT A PUPPY

-Are you a doctor or a vet?
-Yeah?

Don't get me started, Marcia.

You'd bring stray dogs home
from the street.

The last one I brought home was at a gym.

-C'mon.
-Stray?

-C'mon, Marcia!
-I'm allergic to dog hair.

-She is.
-Don't you even think about it.

I'm sneezing at the thought of it.

Funny, Mom. Dad's all hairy.
How come you don't sneeze at him?

-What, boy?
-It's about dog's hair, you animal.

-It is.
-Go study. I'm off to school.

-Go with God, dear.
-Kisses, Grams.

Hello?

No, my dear. I'm stuck in traffic.

No, you're not losing
your soap opera contract.

I'll use the bathroom before we go.

-No!
-Why not?

-Mommy's gotta pee.
-I got to go too.

Mommy's bladder can't hold it in, Carlos.

I got to use the bathroom.

-Is it that bad, Mom?
-It's just that…

-I gotta keep it tight.
-Tight?

I got it.

Where's Grandma's puppy?
He ain't here. Come here, pup.

Ouch, my back. Where's Grandma's puppy?

Grandma's little doggy?

Where is it? Listen.

These are the cow's cookies,
but dogs can eat them too.

Come… come here.

Oh, he peed on the rug. Is he under here?

What is it, Isadir?
Why are you squatting down?

I was reminiscing
about those downtown parties

when I'd pee in the street.

Can you smell it?

It smells like dog pee.

-No.
-Dogs pee around.

They mark their territory.

I was peeing here to mark my territory

so Alice will know this is my corner.

-Isadir, what's this?
-What?

This over here?

My Lord. It's a dog.

Isadir, what's this dog doing here?

My Lord, it must be my spirit animal.

Alice doesn't need to know, right?

I'd love to keep mum about it.
Know what I'd love more?

More phone credit.

You jerk.

Jerk?

Yes, this jerk ran out of credit.

But this jerk's boss
takes my collect calls.

-Check it out.
-No, I won't check it out.

-Want cash?
-Who's a good boy?

I got some…

Here's a fifty.

So little for phone credit?

No, buy yourself a watch,
so you won't be late.

You're insisting on that, aren't you?

I told you I was late
because I got busy last night.

Make it easier on me, then.

Keep Alice in the dark. It's between us.

I'm sending him back.

I shouldn't get close to him.

-We get attached to pets.
-We do.

I got attached to my ex-husband.

Mom, it's great you decided
to cover your gray roots.

-You needed it.
-Didn't I?

Or you'd look sloppy like Auntie.

Hi, Cézar.

I'm old, but I'm not deaf.
The door was ajar. I heard you.

Why are you dying your hair?
There's no event coming up.

Yes, there is.

Neuza's wake. You forgot?

My Lord.

I forgot her wake. That's okay.

At our age, people die every day.

I don't get it.
Why dress up if Neuza is dead?

She died,
but her husband is very much alive.

And he's very…

-Mom. What's that?
-What's that? A dog?

No, it's Lacoste's crocodile.

-Go to hell, Fatima. Can't you see?
-Wow.

You got a companion dog?

It's your companion dog. You lonely hag.

I don't need one.

The dishes in the sink keep me company.

Auntie, I'll stop by later
to pick up that chair.

I'm so scared.

You run away from dogs
but not from big men?

I run toward those.

Let's drop him off for adoption.

No way. I can't go out like this.

Fatima, we're two old ladies.
Nobody is ogling us.

Oh my God. Look at him. He's so cute.

He likes you.

Of course he does.
Who doesn't like me, Fatima?

Zulmira, Eunice, Cleide,
Ronaldo the paper man, Tereza upstairs…

All right, I get it. Let's take him.

And the wake?

There'll be others. It could be yours.

Good heavens. God forbid. Take it back.

Look at that face.
He has no idea he'll be adopted.

Adoption can be fun.
Remember Chiquititas singing and dancing?

I deserve to be happy

I deserve to be happy

No way.

My dear, eyes on the road.

I deserve to be happy too, so focus.

I think he's hungry.

Got any food for him? A cookie?

-I got Alice's cookies.
-Alice's?

These are cookies for lawyers.
They taste like loopholes.

No eating in the car. I want no mess.

-It's messy already.
-It's not.

You just lost a star.

-Got any water?
-No, ma'am.

You don't? Even better.
You lost two stars.

-I got candy.
-Candy?

Okay?

I want no candy.
It gets stuck on my amalgam fillings.

One more thing.
The dog doesn't pee, right?

I'll sew his hole, so he won't pee.

-Calm down.
-Give me a break.

Here. One star for the candy.

One more thing. The dog won't puke, right?

I got new upholstery.

Go get your money back.
This upholstery is too shitty.

Yes, it's shitty.

Funny how, at first,
he said dogs were allowed.

Yes, but I meant small dogs only,

not a big stray dog.

The national average is 13 cm.
You must be well below that.

-Zero stars now.
-You're very inconvenient.

-Thanks.
-Hold on to that dog.

I bet it got no shots.

-Hold him.
-Yes, you could be bitten.

He bites? Hold on to him, please.

-I didn't mean him but her.
-Yes, I'll bite.

I'm a downtown gal.
I used to go to a krav maga gym.

So you… No, I'm sorry.

No, don't growl at me, for God's sake.

I told you, didn't I?

-I'm confused.
-Stop it.

Can you stop it?

Enough. Lacoste.

My Lord.

Did you see how faithful he is, Fatima?
He's so cute.

Isn't it amazing, Fatima?

You're in heat. You need a man.

Does it make any difference?
Men are all dogs.

Tell me about it.

Two hours ago, you would get rid of him.

A lot happens in two hours.

See? He agrees with me.

Two hours. Right, my dear?

In two hours,
I corrected tests and made Carlos.

While in bed? How about your husband?

He failed his test.

Your poor late husband.

Why did you change your mind
when you were giving him away?

Actually, dogs are not like men, Fatima.

They love you for who you are,
not what you have.

Oh, you're so cute.

Fatima, I read that a dog's mouth
is cleaner than a human's mouth.

I see.

My Lord, Fatima.

Fatima, for God's sake. Come here.

Come. Don't run away from Grandma.

What is it? Oh, no.

No.

Come back.

Good. Stay there. My Lord.

What's this paper? We must find a way…

We got to wash the dog. Give me my phone.

Your phone? To wash the dog?

Yes, Fatima. I taped Carlos' first bath.

I want to record his too.

By the way, Carlos has just pulled up.

Good God in Heaven. What do I do?

I have to clean this dog,
or this is it for me.

I have to wash off the dye,
or I'll be bald.

My Lord.

Not there.
Pee on my face, not on that chair.

-For God's sake.
-What now?

Keep Carlos busy.

I'll put you down here
because Grandma has a bad back.

Here you go. Oh, so nice.

Isn't that nice? Look here.

Let me convince your brother
to let you stay here.

He was an only child,
and he needs time to get used to the idea.

-What is it?
-Hey!

What happened to your hair?

I have no idea.

-I'll find out soon.
-Where's my mom?

-Your mom?
-I'm stressed out.

It was chaos at work.
It's a dog-eat-dog world!

Carlos, please don't say that!

Your sister-in-law,

she's allergic, you know.
She can't be around you.

I know, she's a cow. What can I do?

Mommy will let you watch this video.

You can watch Dr. Pimple Popper.

Isn't it fun? Keep watching.
Later on, we can…

The dog again?

What is this dog still doing here, Isadir?

I'm giving him away.

-What time?
-Seven-thirty.

-Isadir.
-Twenty to eight.

If Alice sees the dog, it'll be hell.

Ten past nine.

-It's up to you.
-Okay. I'm grateful.

Dumb b*tch.

Fatima.

-Bless you, love.
-It's crazy.

I'm still sneezing.

Something smells like a wet dog here.

Were you out in the rain?
You don't shower anyway.

-Fighting again?
-It was a joke.

-Is the bathroom clean?
-Yes.

-Are there animals in the house?
-Not inside. Just outside.

-How are you?
-Fatima?

Wow, you look great, Alice.
You're such a beautiful woman.

-Bless you.
-God bless you, child.

There must be pet hair in this house.

Maybe there is.

I told Fatima she had better shave.

She has allergies and ends up like you.

-How come?
-Thin-skinned.

Mommy.

-Quit it.
-I quit a long time ago.

-Back in 1994.
-Mom.

Mom, is your chair made of LEGO?

Why?

It's all broken down.

I can't even look.

Neither can I.

-What is it?
-Mommy?

Did you buy a dog?

I'd never buy one. I support #AdoptADog.

You should too.

I'm gonna k*ll that filthy dog!

-He's not that filthy.
-His name is Lacoste.

Love…

-My chair!
-My Lord.

My very expensive chair
by Sérgio Rodrigues.

Should have bought one at Ricardo Eletro.

Who authorized you
to bring a stray dog into my house?

Alice, you shouldn't say "stray dog."

You should say "BTBD."
It means "Breed To Be Defined."

I think he looks like…

Could he be a Chihuahua? A Bulldog?

How about Doberman?

Right, son? Son.

Son? You're calling the dog "son"?

I'd rather have a dog-child
than a child who's a dog.

Right, child? My little doggy.

-Enough, Carlos!
-Enough what, love?

I'm done. Will it be me or her?

Don't do that. No ultimatums.

Go with God, my dear.

I used to go to a krav maga gym.

So you… No, I'm sorry.

I'll take a child-dog, not a dog-child.

No, I'd rather have… f*ck.

Who's going down… I mean, going…

I'm confused. He's upset. Calm down.

I don't know a Davi, okay?

Sorry, my mistake.

These cookies are sugar-free,
glucose-free… No, not glucose.

I messed up.

Great. I got to put up with it now.

My day was… f*ck.

f*ck. How about mine now?

No, Lilo. No.

Calm down. You stressed the dog out.