01x02 - Animal of the Month

[bunniefuu]

[lively chatter, laughter]

Okay, who here is watching this baby eagle nest cam?

Because my friend met them, and I guess they're actually really nice.

Morning meeting time, y'all. Everybody shut the f*ck up.

-[fanfare playing over laptop] -The glitz, the glamour, the pageantry.

It's Astoria's biggest night.

It's : in the morning, right?

It's time to announce the Animal of the Month.

-Oh, wow! -Yay! Whoo! Yeah!

From the cute noises you make to the little poops you take,

you've made me fall in love with the magic of being an animal.

And without further ado, the nominees are, Judy...

[gasps] I have butterflies in my tummy.

I had butterflies for breakfast.

Feral Streep.

[Cupcake] Feral always wins.

Oh, she's coasting on her earlier work.

-Kevin. -Hmm?

And with a posthumous nomination, our dearly departed friend

-Caesar. -[others] Aw...

And now, the winner of Animal of the Month...

My eyes see Kevin!

-Me? -[others booing]

No! This was our last chance to honor Caesar.

-f*ck you. -Ugh! It is always cat.

-Go, Kevin, go. I know him. -[Bear] Rigged!

Wow. Thank you. I'm honored. I'm humbled.

Just one question: What is this?

What is Animal of the Month? I-I don't know what it is.

The Animal of the Month is featured on the landing page

of our very ugly website,

which means you need to finish your adoption profile.

But I want to meet someone the old-fashioned way,

screaming at the top of my lungs outside their window until they start feeding me.

Trust me, Kevin. This is the way to go.

You can list all the things you want in a person and put up a snazzy photo.

Maybe you getting an ice cream with ya boys.

A pic, huh? Can it just be my face, or do I need to show tail?

Okay, I've had enough of Animal of the Month

and its pro-adoption, pro-human agenda.

I'm leaving. [grunts, gasps]

Hello. It's me, Caesar.

-I'm normal, and nothing is wrong with me. -[Seth gasps]

-Caesar! -Nuh-uh, Seth. We are not doing

any Pet Sematary sh*t in here no more. I walk in the Lord's f*cking light.

[distorted] I think he's okay.

-Oh, how we missed you, friend. -[growls]

-[screaming] -Holy sh*t.

Call the CDC.

Don't help him. He has to learn.

[Seth] N-No teeth. No teeth. Just kissies. Ow!

-[Bear] He's just mad because he lost. -[growls]

[Brandi] Okay, everyone,

next on the agenda,

what are we doing for my birthday month, y'all?

-It's only ten months away. -[Seth] This is my fault.

♪ I'm coming home, I'm coming home ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming home, I'm coming home ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming home ♪

♪ I'm coming home, but I'm gonna roam ♪

♪ out on my own ♪

♪ Till you're home with me ♪♪

[Kevin] I'm Kevin.

[Kevin] I don't know about this profile thing.

I just stopped living with people.

I don't know if I'm ready to get adopted again.

Maybe not right now, but someday you will be.

Stay ready so you don't have to get ready.

Okay, I guess it doesn't hurt to start thinking about what I want.

Let's see. Um, I want a human who's into the Criterion Closet.

-One who loves Halloween. One who loves-- -Halloween?

The holiday for fat children

where black cats get sacrificed?

Yeah, but it's also sweater weather,

that tweet comes back where the Babadook's at the wine party,

and, come on, the costumes are fun.

-Are you mad? Cats despise costumes. -We do?

Wait, which one am I again? Hall?

You're Oates. I didn't do all that laser hair removal

to have a f*cking mustache again.

-Right, right, I'm Hall. -I just said you're Oates.

So... you're Hall, and Kevin is the ampersand.

[grunts] Doesn't matter how much I back up,

I'm still in this stupid... [yowls] Can't breathe.

Ah! Stepped in my water dish.

[grunts]

Maybe I don't like Halloween.

Last year I was a butterfly princess, and this year I'm gonna be John Wick.

Holy sh*t. Are all my interests just Dan and Dana's interests?

Uh... what do I like? What does Kevin want?

What is a Kevin?

-Jesus f*cking Christ. -Pew, pew, pew, pew. Die!

Stop spiraling.

You went through a breakup. You'll figure it out.

You know, you might be a alligator, but you f*ck like a crocodile.

-Don't call me again. Okay? -[phone buzzing]

[Izzy over phone] Cupcake, they can't do that.

Izzy, I'm telling you, I want the Lambo with matte and gloss paint,

no plates, no mirrors, six f*cking wheels.

[phone beeps]

[Armando] Now that's a cat who knows what she wants.

-You got to be more like Cupcake. -Yeah.

Cupcake, wait up.

Damn it. I need to get my nails done.

Ooh, fancy.

It's actually terrifying, which is why I insist on being sedated.

I love that you're still talking to me.

But this med spa won't do that unless I have an escort home.

f*cking nanny state.

Ooh, I know. Let me help you.

I'll make sure you get home safe.

This is what it's come to.

I used to vacation with Prince.

I'm gonna hold your entire life in my hands,

which were flippers when I was born.

[groans]

I can't believe you fell asleep during our TV time again.

I'm starting to think you don't want to rewatch Dharma & Greg with me.

No. I love how, uh, different they are.

She's a hippie and-and he's a... he's Greg.

Brandi! Whose a*s does Peter have to eat to get awards recognition around here?

-Every nominee was a cat. -And why Kevin?

-He-he just get here. -[Seth] O-Okay.

Maybe it would help you guys if I made my process more transparent.

My process is...

I listen to my heart, and my heart said Kevin.

-Your heart is bullshit! -Choke on my tail and die.

These f*cking idiots are right. You've been doing this all wrong, Seth.

-Yeah. -[laughs]

Now, honey, uh, in Couples,

-Devorah told us... -[sighs]

...not to undermine each other at work.

f*ck Devora! I'm trying to run a business here.

We should be putting our hottest product front and center on this ugly-a*s website.

I don't know about calling our friends "product."

Well, I don't give a Peter's a*s what you think.

Now I got to take over Animal of the Month,

and I already got so much sh*t on my plate.

Shaking hands, kissing babies, shaking babies, biting the babies,

getting in trouble for biting the babies. It doesn't end.

Listen up! Kevin's out. A new Animal of the Month is in.

There's gonna be a recall, y'all.

-[cheering] -Restart the count!

[up-tempo music playing]

So this is really my first time living on my own. Uh...

[whimpers]

And I guess I'm having a little bit of an identity crisis.

Whew. Should've brought my inhaler.

-Fetch. [grunts] -[bottle shatters]

[grunts] Oh, wow. Okay. I guess we're switching buildings now.

Oh, no! Ah!

[sighs] Anyway, you know what you like.

How do I get like that?

Is there a class I can take? Or a five- to seven-minute YouTube video I can watch?

Kevin, there's no video for this sh*t.

You got to hit the streets. You got to get out there.

Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm a street walker.

But not that kind. Not-not-- No. Not that it's bad.

Sex work's great. I mean, sex is-- Sex work is work.

Uh-huh.

Anyway, we got to go 'cause our ride is here. Um...

-You do have life insurance, right? -What?

No! I just remembered you're crazy!

[screams, grunts]

Ow.

And then, one time, I saw a yellow leaf on a branch,

but then I came back later and it was on the ground.

Crazy, right?

I'm going to ask them to put me down permanently.

Put you down where? [gasps] On the ground?

I love the ground.

That's where bugs dance.

-[tranquil music playing] -Shh...

Shh...

What are you doing?

I'm a white noise machine to help you sleep.

Would you prefer whale sounds?

Or maybe an audiobook?

Ulysses by James Joyce.

"Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead..."

[groans] You're ruining drugs.

Just make sure me... [groans] me g... get home.

Don't worry, Armando.

I'm gonna take such good [voice distorts] care of you.

[Armando groans]

-Wha... -You're back.

-[Armando] Huh? -I missed your cutting

but accurate observations.

What? Where am I? What happened?

We got adopted!

[dark music playing]

Uh, I-I'm not sure about us walking on the subway tracks.

-Aren't you worried about the third rail? -Third rail's a myth.

[electricity buzzing]

[shadowy figure] Tell me what to do? [laughs, mumbles incoherently]

Hey. I-I-I think someone else is down here.

-[shadowy figure] Hey, Cupcake. -What the hell is that?!

[Cupcake] Oh, grow up. It's just Rat Pizza.

[Kevin] Rat Pizza?

You want to take a video or something?

-Not really. -Oh.

I bet if I was Pizza Rat, you'd be whipping your f*cking phone out.

But you see a living piece of pizza dragging a rat around,

and that's too weird? f*ck you, man. f*ck off.

[Monica gasps]

-Cupcake! -[Cupcake] Monica.

-What's good, baby? Give me the dirt. -Ooh!

Today's hot goss is as steamy as the F platform in August.

Okay, so Naked Sam got shoes, there's a hibachi pop-up on the E,

and the c*ck are organizing.

Good for them. Union strong.

You know, I heard the bed bugs made a really bad deal and f*cked them over.

Hold on a second. I got to make an important MTA announcement.

-[P.A. chimes] -[Monica speaks indistinctly over P.A.]

[muffled talk]

Cupcake, is this, like, uh, your person?

Person? I don't have a person.

I have people. I got spots all over the city. Okay?

Ah, right, right, right. I like that.

-Who wouldn't want some Kev in their life? -[Monica] Kev?

You want to pull a lever and switch the track?

Me? I-I couldn't. I simply couldn't.

Oh, come on. Isn't it every New Yorker's dream to control the subway?

That and getting deep dicked on the big piano at FAO Schwarz. Huh.

["Chopsticks" playing on piano]

Don't be a p*ssy. It's easy. Go for it.

Yes, child. Operate a train. You want this.

Okay, okay. [chuckles] Only 'cause you guys really want me to.

-[screaming] -[Cupcake] I can't believe you did that!

-You said-- -Not that lever! -It's : p.m.!

-School just let out! -You crashed the train!

-Oh, God! -You just k*lled

-hundreds of kids! -Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

-[Monica and Cupcake laughing] -We just f*cking with you.

-Ooh, damn. You should've seen your face. -[chuckles]

You got me. Made me think I k*lled a bunch of kids.

I put fresh ice in your Stanley, my love.

I want you hydrated for today's Animal of the Month auditions.

Gimme, gimme, gimme!

[slurping]

Okay, I'm done with this. Put it in the trash.

My name is Glenn. I'm a Pisces, and I'm a member of A.A.

Acorns Anonymous.

I actually saw the squirrel from Ice Age at a meeting last night.

-Wait, I am not supposed to tell you that. -[Brandi] Next!

-[growls] -[ball squeaks]

As you can see, Peter can fetch like a good boy.

And he will not jump up on couch.

-Unless this is casting couch. -[Brandi] Next!

And now a small popcorn and a soda is $?

-Email my son if I do win. -Next.

[Brandi] Mm.

Dang. Yeah, bring it home.

Mama likey. Whew.

I'm Faye. I'm auditioning for the role of animal in Animal of the Month.

I'm hands tall, I'm with Gersh, and I'm willing to shave.

Faye, how old is your f*cking headshot?

You look like you just slipped out of a mare's cooch.

If you want something more recent, I can send you a link to my web series.

It's like Curb, but it's me!

Next. Next. Next. Next. Next!

Judy, you were supposed to bring me right home.

I was, but then I met our mommy.

What? I do not have a mommy.

Yes, you do. She smells like cinnamon rolls and love and $ candles.

Oh, no, no. I was unconscious.

This is not a valid adoption.

Goodbye.

Now where the hell am I?

Hey, I need you to put your dresses on and get back in the installation.

You got it, Mommy.

This is Mommy? She's a teenager.

Yes, that's the best kind of mommy.

People have so many questions.

Guys, for real. You're f*cking up my RISD application.

Oh. I get it. You're an "artist,"

and that bedroom is a commentary on what it's like to be a young woman in America.

Um, that's an oversimplification of my work,

-but-- -Tell me about this one.

That painting is Flo from Progressive nude and crucified.

How edgy. Let me guess: the paint is your menstrual blood?

No. It's my friend's.

The color of mine is all wrong for this piece.

My compliments to the chef.

[chuckles] Uh, would you want a tour of the gallery?

Yes, Mommy, yes!

And then let's take a tour of the Museum of Ice Cream.

[gasps] And then we could go out to Baskin-Robbins!

-What is up with her? -Don't drink when you're pregnant, kid.

Wow, Cupcake, you really have given me a lot to think about.

There are a lot of problems at the MTA and pizza can be alive sometimes.

But his hate will k*ll him.

Anyway, thanks for the super fun night.

Can't wait to go home now, get in bed,

and turn this whole experience over in the rock tumbler

-of my mind. -Go home?

b*tch, we just getting started.

-[The Strokes sing "Last Nite"] -♪ Last night ♪

♪ she said, "Oh, baby, I feel so down ♪

♪ Oh, it turns me off when I feel left out" ♪

♪ So I, I turned round ♪

♪ Oh, baby, don't care no more ♪

♪ I know this for sure, I'm ♪♪

[somber music playing]

-[conversing in Spanish] -It is time

I am ready

Cupcake

-["Last Nite" resumes] -♪ Last night, she said ♪

♪ "Oh, baby, I feel so down, see, it turns me off..."

I am alive!

[Cupcake] You know I got rimmed in the torch once, right?

-[ferry horn blows] -♪ I turned round ♪

♪ Oh, little girl...

Ugh. My dad and my Uncle Anthony are making another

Avengers movie.

[Armando] They sound insufferable.

Yeah, like all people.

"Honey, the horseradish chips are back at Trader Joe's,

-and I won't shut the f*ck up about it." -[chuckles] Right?

I mean, the world's on the verge of societal collapse,

and there's a filter on TikTok called "Collarbones Popping."

f*ck everyone.

-[Judy strains] Hey, guys. -Huh?

-Judy, get off the art! -But I am the art.

I'm capitalism!

Oh, my God. For the hundredth time, you're toxic positivity.

Right. I'm toxic positivity!

She's so annoying.

But this piece eats. I'm so going to RISD.

She looks like she's been up there for a while. Maybe it's time for a break.

Judy, do you want to take a break? Or do you want to make Mommy happy?

I want to make Mommy happy.

-See? She loves it. -[whimpers] Oh, no.

-Ah, my collarbone's popping. -[bone snaps]

Wow. I'm feeling pumped.

Let's go to a rock climbing gym. Oh, wait, let's do karaoke.

Baby, I'm banned from K-town.

Ooh, I want to get banned from somewhere.

[Muzak playing]

[gasps] Holy sh*t.

Look at him.

Thick sweater, strong hands for petting, and all that access to fish.

Then, Kevin, go get that fish.

-Can I help you? -Me? No, I'm just browsing.

What's up with you?

Doing all the tasks that Wengman's pays you an hourly rate to do?

I'm actually salaried with benefits.

Sallied with bennys. Good on Wengman's.

Hey, check this out. The store just got an extra crate of Antarctic toothfish.

And it's coming home with me. Don't tell nobody.

I shall take it to my grave.

My shift ends in ten. Come back to my place. You can have a taste.

Yeah, I could, I could go taste-- taste some stuff at your place. Sure.

So, the fish counter guy wants to hang out.

He's gonna give me free fish!

Okay, baby. You go have some fun.

You're not coming with me?

Mm-mm. I'm gonna stay back and have a g*ngb*ng with these lobsters.

[lobster] f*ck my tail.

Judy.

Judy!

Ugh, look at these American Girl dolls.

The housing crisis one and the girl who was on the Titanic...

OceanGate sub that imploded.

-[sighs heavily] -[Armando] There you are.

What are you doing in here?

I'm taking my five

-before I have to represent racism. -[toy squeaks]

Oh, come on. Get real with me.

Do you really want to live with little miss RISD?

Yes. I love Mommy and the cold white paint of the gallery walls.

No warmth, no comfort, just commentary.

Look, I know it's your dream to get adopted,

but Chloe doesn't see you as a pet.

She sees you as a prop.

[plaintive music playing]

She's a mean mommy.

Judy, I may not believe in having a person, but you do.

So, you should hold out for the right one.

You're so right.

And so soft.

Ugh.

Now, let's get the f*ck out of here.

Right after we free Julia Fox.

I don't think she knows she's in an installation.

I'm capitalism

[romantic piano music playing]

It's marketed as Chilean sea bass, but that's actually a sister species.

Mmm.

Bro, whatever it is, it's amazing.

Pairs nicely with that Blanc, right?

Mmm. I hope you don't mind, but I'm gonna get a little more comfortable.

I want to make biscuits on that.

[laughs]

Uh, dude, let me give you the full tour.

Surprisingly roomy in here, right?

Wow. Whoa.

k*ller setup, man. Oh, and those shelves.

[grunts] Dude.

Yeah, made them myself, out of hickory from an old whiskey barrel.

Whiskey? Okay, now we're bro-ing out.

Pretty sturdy, right?

Oh, yeah, could totally see myself knocking something off this

while you're trying to read.

[voice] Wouldn't you be a little bit more comfortable if you got on his lap?

-Uh, who's that? -[chuckles] Oh.

That's Jared.

[Kevin] You have a pet fish?

Isn't that weird? You know, with your job?

I leave my work at work. Jared's a good hang. Promise.

Okay, if you say so.

Uh, nice to meet you, Jared.

You're still not on his lap.

Okay.

[suspenseful music playing]

Now give him some pets.

You're a bossy little guy, aren't you?

Don't look at me. Look at him while he scratches you behind your little ears.

-Oh, f*ck, that's good. -Yeah, that's good.

That's f*cking good. Now pull on his tail. Yank it.

-Yank it good. -[yelps] Don't love that.

-Ow! -[Jared] Now feed him some flakes.

Jam your finger in his mouth like a hook. Put him on ice and price him!

[grunts] Okay, hang on, hang on.

-Whoa. -What's wrong?

Yeah, I-I'm not one to kink shame, but I don't think I'm game for this...

cucking thing.

Uh, what are you talking about?

This isn't cucking. You're my surrogate.

He can't get any cuddles or scratchies in there.

-So you're getting them for me. -I thought that was pretty clear.

Guys, with all due respect, this is just a little weird.

Wow. Wow. Okay.

So I'm a f*cking weirdo because I want to be included?

You've upset Jared, and if he cries too much, his tank will overflow.

Please leave. Now.

Uh, okay.

Well, um, thanks for the fish.

The fish I was eating, not Jared, of course. I... Yeah.

Anyway, it stinks in here. You should get an air purifier. Bye.

-Hey, Cupcake! -Did you have a good time in there?

No, it was f*cking terrible.

Well, you can't trust a man too comfortable handling fish.

-You know what I mean? -No, I do not. Uh...

[sniffing] Wait. What is that, butter?

Oh, yeah. Your lobster thing.

-[lobster] Come on. Sloppy seconds, baby. -[growling]

[Cupcake] No, you're not getting any more. Leave me alone.

-Clingy-a*s crustaceans. -I...

I think I'm done with sea creatures for tonight.

I just want to go home.

[Cupcake] Ooh!

My p*ssy smells like Old Bay.

[Kevin] Is it bad that that's making me hungry?

[Cupcake] Yes. But let's go get a lobster roll.

[laughing]

-[snoring] -I can't take the waiting.

I got to go call my sponsor. Will you come get me if I win?

I will not. Because you will lose.

-[phone beeps] -Liam. Liam.

I'm really struggling here, bud.

I miss Mommy.

Do you miss Mommy?

Oh, shut the f*ck up, Judy.

Well, y'all, I just want to say that I learned a lot yesterday.

Now I see you all as individuals and not just surrogate children

for couples who can't afford Astoria preschool prices.

Each and every one of you is so special.

But there can only be one winner.

And so, well, the Animal of the Month is...

-[drumroll playing] -[laughs]

It's me!

-Oh, come on! -[booing, hissing]

Bark, bark, bark, bark-bark-bark!

-I am ripping up speech. -Ridiculous.

But-but not for nest.

I wanted Yellowstone to win.

-Brandi, hello! Yes! Over here! -All right, boys, let's go!

-To your left! -Let's get an OTS.

-That's "over-the-shoulder." -Yeah! Over here!

Now somebody make me laugh.

I want to do one of them laughing pictures,

and I don't know how to do it naturally.

And get my feet in there.

-I want to get my score up on wikiFeet. -Over here!

[groans] I am never eating fish again.

[gags] Except tuna.

Oh, and maybe salmon. Aw, f*ck it. I f*cking love fish.

Kevin! Tell me all about your big night!

Did you figure everything out?

Do you know exactly what you want in a person?

No, I have no f*cking idea what I want.

In fact, I feel like I know less than I did yesterday.

-Kevin, can I tell you a story? -[gentle music playing]

Once, there was a green leaf.

Oh, God, no.

And this green leaf lived on a branch, and it was happy.

But then the seasons changed,

and the green leaf turned yellow and it started to fall.

It didn't know where it was gonna end up.

But then it found its new home on the ground, where bugs dance.

Judy, what the f*ck are you talking about?

[Armando cries]

You're not gonna figure it out in one night.

You got to just keep getting out there.

[phone rings]

[Cupcake] Cupcake's burner.

Unless, of course, you're the cops. Then, f*ck no, it isn't.

[indistinct, muffled voice over phone]

What? Those f*cking lobsters gave me crabs.

Kids, got some news.

There's no hair here, so we're moving back to the movie theater in Times Square!

-Yay! -Woo-hoo!

I'm gonna get Reese's Pieces!

And I'm gonna drink human blood!

-[♪ Daryl Hall & John Oates sing "Out of Touch"] -[Kevin] Okay, let's see.

Likes.

Riding in the back of a garbage truck.

I would prefer a fish-free home.

Halloween.

Eh, some parts of Halloween.

♪ Shake it up is all that we know ♪

♪ using bodies up as we go ♪

♪ I'm waking up to fantasy ♪

♪ The shades all around ♪

♪ are the colors we used to see ♪

♪ Broken ice still melts in the sun ♪

♪ and ties that are broken can often be one again ♪

♪ We're soul alone ♪

♪ and soul really matters to me ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪♪

Chirp.