01x04 - In Heat

[bunniefuu]

[news theme music playing]

It's heat wave day three,

and with temperatures still climbing,

some city residents have reached their... boiling point.

-[animals groaning] -[Kevin] Come on, AC.

Huh. Ah!

I want the hot to stop.

[moaning]

I need the shade of the trees.

I am just going to have to deal with talking to my mother.

Good news, everybody.

Poppers have been decriminalized?

The AC repairman is gonna be here within the next two to three...

hours.

-[groaning] -God is dead, we are abandoned.

In the meantime, our fearless leader Brandi has a plan.

I put the word out on our socials seeking emergency fosters

for all you poor sons-of-b*tches. You're welcome.

Emergency fosters?

Only the most pathetic sad sacks show up to help out in an emergency.

Oh, yeah, those losers, trying to help us... not die?

[laughs] It's so cold up in here.

My little nips could cut glass.

Why does she get to be in air conditioning?

I want my little nips to cut glass.

We ain't gotta explain nothing to these freeloaders.

And make sure you clean up after yourselves before you go.

The heat does bring in the ants.

And I hate Antz.

My one and only issue with Woody Allen,

he's a bad voice actor.

[gasping]

It's no better out there.

We live in hell.

It-it's okay, buddy. Frozen grape?

-[gulps] -See?

Everything's gonna be fine.

Oh, wait. Everything's gonna be bad.

[choking]

Glenn, are you okay?

Uh, can we please get Glenn another pair of sweatpants?

The choking thing seems to have made him...

-excited. -[wheezing]

♪ I'm coming home, I'm coming home ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming home, I'm coming home ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming home ♪

♪ I'm coming home, but I'm gonna roam ♪

♪ out on my own ♪

♪ Till you're home with me ♪♪

[Kevin] I'm Kevin.

[panting]

[operator] . It's too hot. Bye.

friendly? Say no more.

Cupcake, I've got a wonderful candidate for your temp foster.

Oh, no, I'm good. Gonna cool my t*ts off for a couple of hours at Mia's place.

You're going to her place?

-Ooh, that's new for you two. -[Cupcake] No, no, no, no, no.

We're not friends like this. We don't talk like this.

[Judy grunts]

Oh, pardon me, ma'am.

Oh, Judy, your poor eyes have completely

crusted shut.

The heat dried up all my goo so now I can't see,

but with every hardship

-comes a chance to grow. -[phone buzzing]

Uh, Furrever Friends. Can you please hold?

Your eye drops are in the fridge, Judy.

I'll get them as soon as I'm off the phone.

No, no, no, no, no. You're busy helping all of our friends.

I can get them myself.

Just let me open the old kitchen door here.

[horns honking]

-[people shouting] -[cars crashing]

[sniffs]

Is that... [sniffs] ...bergamot?

Iris? [sniffs] And vanilla?

Oh, Shalimar.

[mysterious, seductive music playing]

Well, hello. I'm Mitzi...

Davenport. I know exactly who you are.

And I've always said you must've had a good reason

to run over your interior decorator.

He tried to pair a Ming vase with a country plaid.

Did he think you were living in a TGI Fridays?

[both laughing]

I don't know what that is, but it sounds dreadful.

Mitzi, what's a person of your pedigree doing in a dump like this?

-[meows] -Oh, I'm here for you.

For moi?

I saw your picture and I had to have you for a weekend at my Hamptons estate.

I'm simply obsessed with Persians.

I have a driver waiting outside.

Then let me grab my Louis Vuitton.

If I'm gonna survive this,

it's all coming off.

I'll leave the tip of my tail for modesty.

[cell phone chimes]

[Kevin reading]

[groans] You do not tell me what the f*ck to do, Dana.

You are not my mommy anymore.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

What, what's happening? Does Glenn have another b*ner?

No, but I do.

I'm going to the Hamptons with Mitzi Davenport.

You are?

-But you hate people. -She's not people.

She's rich. She's old money.

She bullied Jacqueline Bouvier.

Before or after her husband, uh--

Both.

-[cell phone chimes] -Oh, my God.

Now Dana's reacting to her own

text message with a question mark.

Stop trying to help me. I want someone else to help me.

Can I please come with you to Mitzky Havenbirth's house?

Fine, but I'm telling her you're my unpaid intern.

That's actually ill*gal now. Do you ever listen to

-The Daily? -Shut the f*ck up, Kevin...

and carry my bags.

[hip hop music playing]

[growling]

Okay, Mia. So, what, you gonna bite me?

You gonna break the skin?

You want me to?

I want you to shake me around like a ragdoll

till the city euthanizes you.

Oh, baby, I can't believe this is working.

Oh, yeah? Well now, I want to hear you bark, b*tch.

Babe, we gotta keep the role playing down.

My person is home.

Oh, I know she is.

Why do you think my kitty cl*t is so erect?

Oh, Cupcake.

[laughs] Now, you gonna pretend to be a fighting dog

and I'm gonna be Michael Vick.

[growls playfully]

Oh, man. It's hot in "thurr," it's hot out "hurr."

Ah. My tootsies are sizzling.

Should I go get my Hokas?

Chop chop, Armando.

Oh, who is this?

This is Kevin. He makes my reservations,

touches money for me.

An unpaid intern, yes.

If he hasn't unionized, he can ride up front with my driver.

[Dan] Kevin?

-Dan? -You're going with these guys?

But you do little throw-ups in the car, Kevin.

Actually, little throw-ups is the old Kev. [strains]

I'm in cars all the time now.

-Okay, okay. -And if I'm gonna throw up,

it's not gonna be in a car.

It'll be one big barf in a place

that'll take you days to find.

[dramatic music playing]

[Jerry] Mission log: Day three.

Our search for food for the colony drags on.

[wind blowing]

Food!

Hello? Is this the fridge?

Manna from heaven.

Wait, what? We can't eat her.

We eat rotting food and dead things.

And she's just a little lady.

[sniffs] Oh, yay! My eye drops.

She's glazing herself, Jerry.

And I love spicy food.

You're sick. You're a sick ant.

"Oh, you're a sick ant."

Ouch. These eye drops are burny.

But that's how you know they're working.

[♪ Matthew Cassell plays "Fly Away"]

♪ Fly away ♪

♪ Fly away ♪♪

Ow! g*dd*mn, this sh*t is hot.

[yawns] Cupcake? You're sticking around?

Yeah, baby. I thought I'd,

you know, stay the night, if that's cool with you.

Oh, my God, yes.

It's actually a really nice surprise.

[purrs]

Ooh, child, I think I got the bubble guts.

You might want to move 'cause

you right in the splash zone.

I think you're just purring.

What the f*ck did you give me?

Just a little affection?

Yeah, this sh*t is good.

[clacking on keyboard]

Yo, watch it, as*h*le!

And then I dated Frederick Sharpie,

before he had the marker money. [chuckles] Whoops.

His last name was "Sharpie"?

Oh! [laughs] Oh, no, that was just a nickname.

On account of his deliciously dry and razor-sharp...

p*nis.

Don't do a little throw-up, don't do a little throw-up.

So, I get that you're this cat's intern,

but, like, what does he do for work?

I'm not actually his intern.

He's one of my really good friends

who's just a little embarrassed to be around me sometimes, okay?

[Dan] Anyway, I've been good.

My mom and her boyfriend broke up,

so me and Ma have been going to Union Pool a lot.

Oh, look, oh, good, we're here, we're done.

[Kevin] This is where Mopsy Toothenberg lives?

I mean, this is way too much house for one person.

Oh, Kevin, please. You sound poor.

Mitzi, don't saber the champagne

without me!

Hey, I was gonna get some McDonald's and eat it on the beach.

Thicc boy summer.

Dan, it was great to see you, but I'm doing my own thing here.

[entrancing music playing]

[Armando] Kevin, welcome

to p*ssy cat paradise.

Oh... my... God.

-[meows] -Air conditioning.

Oh, yeah.

God is real and she is this vent.

I can't believe my luck.

Of all the places I could have wandered into,

I ended up in

-a spa. -That's right.

Just lay back and enjoy your salt scrub

with that Pink Himalayan salt from Sur La Table, yum yum.

This is so f*cked up, dude.

She invited me to her birthday party.

No gifts. I'm asking my guests to make a donation to Planned Parenthood.

Okay, Miss Judy.

Time for your mineral soak.

Aw, I wish I had my bath toys.

Well, it's actually just one toy. It's a spoon.

[dramatic music playing]

[Jerry] A message from the palace?

What does it say?

"Check your phone."

Holy f*cking sh*t! The queen is coming!

And she's excited about our feline feast.

You text with the queen?

We hooked up once.

We all hook up with the queen, man.

Because we can't be with who we really want.

Jerry, I said never again.

That was one time and it was a mistake.

-[upbeat jazz music playing] -[indistinct chatter]

[laughs]

[sips] Ooh... in oil.

Ah.

[cheering]

Dana may have AC,

but I'm on a terrace.

I'm a terr-erist.

Well, I haven't seen you at one of Mitzi's whizbangs before.

I'm Kevin, but my friends call me Vin...

Diesel. My name is Vin Diesel.

Ah, there's my dumb intern.

May I interest you in some

Silver Vine?

I have it imported from Kyoto.

It's like catnip but stronger.

You used to be able to get it at Petco,

until Tipper Gore ruined all our fun.

[laughs]

Well, it'd be rude to say no.

Mm, hey.

Oh, yeah.

This is definitely from Kyoto.

I can't feel my whiskers.

[both moaning happily]

Hmm?

-Hey. -[laughter]

Oh, hey.

[dance music playing]

I love this place

and I love Millie Dupencourt!

[stretches]

[Angie] They said it was

gluten free, but I could taste the gluten.

Ooh, that's my cue to get

the f*ck up out of here.

Hey, if you've been gluten poisoned,

it's your responsibility to leave a Yelp review. I'm sorry.

Hey, hey, babe. Babe, come in here.

There's someone special I'd like you to meet.

-This is Angie. -Cupcake.

I've heard so much about you.

May I hug you?

Mm-mm. Not for free.

I hear you.

And I hear you hearing her.

Oh, okay. So, it's this.

So, I made us all breakfast.

We're having vegan shakshuka, my specialty.

But for our honored guest, I dug some old

Thai food out of the trash.

-I told her it's your favorite. -[howls]

Oh, that's my girl.

Ooh, sorry.

I'm feral.

Hey, you do you. You be your authentic self.

I almost picked us up some mochi donuts.

But then I told her about your mother abandoning you at the Dunkin.

Mm. How was that for you?

I'm not really looking to get into all of that.

I should probably

get out of here, ladies.

No, I can't do another round of IVF.

And I refuse to adopt.

Well, since sh*t is still biblical out there,

I could tell you about the time I watched my sister drown in a Coolatta.

[groans]

-[stretches] -[joints crack]

[stomach gurgles]

Oh, boy.

I think it's time for my one big barf.

[dramatic music playing]

[retches]

[Ernest] Mother? Mother?

-Is that you? -[gasps]

Please don't see me. Please don't see me.

-I see you. -f*ck.

My name is Ernest.

Play mancala with me.

No, thanks. I'm trying to quit. [shouts]

Play mancala with me!

Miyazaki will never admit it,

but I was the inspiration for that cat bus.

-Wow. -[chuckles]

Armando,

may I steal you away for a moment... to my chambers?

Me, going to Mitzi Davenport's boudoir?

This trip just gets better and better.

And this scarf is sexy, and this scarf is mean.

And this is the hideous purple brooch they sent me

when my brother was k*lled in Vietnam.

Oh, boy.

Oh, and this is the sash I got when I was named Miss Flag.

You see, in the late 's, they were going to redesign Old Glory.

No stars, no stripes, just

the prettiest girl you've ever seen!

[Armando] And you're

no stranger to going up and down on poles.

[laughs] You are so wicked.

[fancy cat] Mitzi.

I'm all juiced up and ready to go.

R-Ready? For what?

Oh, don't play coy with us, my little Persian papa.

I won't bite.

Unless you're into that.

Uh, Mitzi? Are you trying to get me to f*ck your friend here?

Why, yes. When I saw your face

and your big orange testes on that website,

I knew I needed you.

To revitalize an old business venture.

Are you hard up for money, Mitz?

Mitzi's parties don't pay for themselves.

So that's why I'm getting back into the breeding game.

Thanks to you, stud.

Well, here's the problem with that.

Tut tut. I'll give you two some privacy. And don't forget,

I can charge extra for a boy,

so, think "boy" while you're pumping away.

Oops.

Honey, unless you can do a perfect Eric Bana impression,

I will not be losing my gold star tonight.

[Vanessa Carlton plays "A Thousand Miles"]

♪ Making my way downtown ♪

♪ Walking fast, faces pass and I'm homebound ♪

♪ Staring blankly ahead, just making my way ♪

♪ Making a way through the crowd ♪♪

So, what are we watching?

Gilmore Girls, Golden Girls, Girls Gone Wild? The Boys?

Actually, I had something else in mind.

Oh, I know. You want to watch

a YouTube compilation of models falling off runways.

Cupcake, you are the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Now, I know this might feel sudden,

but I wanted to ask you...

will you live with me?

[Cupcake] Wow.

That's a...

a big question.

Um...

-Oh, look at her. She's speechless. -Come here,

let-let me put it on you, baby.

-[stomach gurgling] -[laughs]

Guess I'm so happy, I'm purring again.

[Mia] Oh, no, babe,

you-you sh*t all over the floor.

She sh*t on our floor.

Did I swallow a chopstick?

[eerie music playing]

Oh, goodie. I win again.

You're not letting me win, are you?

No, no, no. You just... you just rock at mancala.

[squawking]

Oh, I'm so happy you're here.

Mother has been promising me a new brother for ages.

Ah. Where's your old brother?

Is he at a meditation retreat in Sedona?

Is he in rehab?

Oh, don't be silly.

He's right here!

Oh, my God! Is that your brother? Is he dead?

It's hard to say.

They think I might be a cyst.

[Kevin] Speaking of,

I'm supposed to be getting biopsy results,

so I should step outside for better service.

[stammering]

[ringing]

Kevin, what's up?

Dan, this place is so creepy,

and this inbred cat has a talking cyst! Please come get me! I need you now!

Ow! Oh! [grunts]

Whoa, whoa. Slow down. Say it again.

Ah-ha!

-Whoa! What? -Bad kitty.

Bad kitty? You just met me.

Kevin? Hello?

[chanting] Feast! Feast! Feast! Feast!

We don't have to do this, man.

Jerry, it's over.

The cat's dead and it's time to eat.

Her name was Judy,

and she played with a spoon.

[dramatic music playing]

My queen, we are so very honored.

[breathing deeply]

-[ants gasping] -Oh, my God!

[ants gasp]

My eyes!

The crust is gone!

Holy f*ck.

What did we do? The queen is dead.

Well, according to the code,

our new queen is... [gasps]

...Judy!

[chanting] Long live the queen! Long live the queen!

I'm the queen?

Yay!

First order of business,

I want Gypsy-Rose Blanchard back behind bars.

[chanting] Lock her up! Lock her up!

[Lawtina] No, no, no, no, no, no, I don't wanna sidebar

with you. The motion is filed, con dios.

Perhaps we should turn down the air conditioning just a skosh, my love.

Can you shut the f*ck up?

I can't hear Lawtina, my new favorite show.

About a lawyer who's also Latina.

[cell phone buzzes]

Cupcake? To what do I owe this pleasure?

Listen, Seth. I'm having a crisis, honey.

Mia has asked me to live with her,

and I like her, but I do not do relationships.

Look, you need to be your authentic self.

Just be honest with Mia

and tell her how you feel.

Ah, sh*t. I know what I need to do.

Oh, I'm so happy I could help.

Let's make this a regular thing.

-Seth and Cupcake chattin' it up-- -[line disconnects]

Aw, she hung up on me.

God damn it, Seth!

I am missing her falling in love with the judge!

-Who? -Lawtina!

-Ow! -She's Latina,

and her name's Tina,

and her last name's Law.

Tina Law. Latina at Law.

[seductive music playing]

[fancy cat] Oh, yeah. I'm doing the sexy dance

that all the boy cats love.

[scatting]

♪ Meow ♪♪

[sighs] This is my weekend with Liza all over again.

[door opens]

Oh, would you look at this?

More bad kitties.

-[shouting] -Armando, help.

Ow! It's filled with gin? Is that gin?

Mother, stop it.

Oh, sh*t. That's Big Mitzi.

If you won't let the cats copulate,

we won't have any more money!

Well, we don't have any money

because you blow it all on your silly cat parties.

Wow, moms and daughters.

Such a complicated relationship.

Ah! So now I'm getting olive juice.

Oh, okay. So it's a dirty martini in a spray bottle?

The breeding nonsense stops now.

You never support me!

Oh, please.

I support you.

The only reason you won Miss Flag

is because I sucked off the judges!

I finally have something to send to Vanity Fair.

[distant crash]

-[Dan] Oh, no. -What the devil was that?

That was God's wrath.

He is punishing you for your filthy behavior.

[groans] I hate you, I hate you,

I hate you, hate you, hate you!

"'It was God's wrath,' she scowled,

decades of hatred boiling to the surface."

[coughs]

[gasps] Oh, sh*t.

Hey, man. We gotta, like, get the f*ck out of here.

[shouts]

[dramatic music playing]

[choking]

-Dan! -Kev?

Go, go, go, go.

Are you okay?

Drive, man, drive, drive, drive!

[tires screech]

-[cats yowling] -[screams]

-Okay, we made it. -Oh, thank God.

We're okay.

-[Ernest] Excuse me. -[all scream]

Do you want to play travel mancala?

I like to see out the window.

[Lawtina] Mira, mira. It was her quinceañera, you b*stard.

[knocking on door]

Ooh, Angie. It's the door.

Better get it. It might be important.

Hello, I'm a policeman.

I have an arrest warrant

for a feral, hairless cat.

Goes by Cupcake.

Oh, no, did you find out

about my various ill*gal activities like money laundering,

drug dealing, drug doing and whatnot?

Uh-huh. And we have enough evidence to put you away

for a long time in a facility...

...where no loved ones can come visit you,

ever, underlined.

Come on, Cupcake.

If you don't want to move in with me, just say so.

No, baby, I would love to live with you.

But I just... I gotta go to jail right now.

All right, then let's walk to my squad car,

cat who I've never met before.

I know I probably shouldn't say this, but I thought that cop was kind of hot.

Your AC is all fixed,

but it looks like you have an ant infestation.

Yes, one of the cats who lives here just became their queen.

[majestic music playing]

To the bodega, boys.

Your queen desires Twizzlers.

Did you know that Mitzi was briefly married to Osama bin Laden?

[chuckles] Yeah, that tracks.

She says he didn't do it.

[Chuck] Oh!

Two minutes left in the Knick game

and you're gonna f*cking change it?

We wanna watch Lawtina.

Look at this.

You guys are hanging out again. I love it.

[sighs] No,

he just drove me to the Hamptons,

and then I made him come back and save me

because I'm a helpless wittle baby.

"Helpless wittle baby"? What are you talking about?

I'm supposed to be living on my own, Dan.

The second something scary happens,

what do I do? I come running right back to you.

Dude, you just called me for help. We're friends. That's what friends do.

I mean,

I almost called you.

My mom got back together with her boyfriend,

and now they want to get married at Disney World.

That was gonna be my thing!

Kathy cannot afford to have a wedding at Disney World.

Exactly. I'm calling her right now.

Keith, where is my mom?

Why are you answering my mom's phone?

Those two should just f*ck already, right?

Dan and Keith?

No, Dan and his mom.

[laughs]

No, Keith, it doesn't matter if you're a frog or not.

Mom cannot be Princess Tiana for the wedding.

[♪ The Optic Nerve playing "Same Way Too"]

♪ I'm just so glad you ♪

♪ Feel the same way too ♪

[sighs contentedly]

♪ Come on, take a chance with me ♪

♪ You never know how...

Ugh, now it's too cold.

♪ Come on, baby, take my hand ♪

♪ I'll take you to this promised land ♪

♪ We'll take just what we need ♪

♪ We can take a trip for two ♪

♪ Get on a boat and sail to places new ♪

♪ I just hope that you ♪

♪ Feel the same way too ♪♪

Chirp.