01x05 - Quarantined

[bunniefuu]

[Spanish music playing]

Don't tell the softball league,

but I am on a heavy dose of Nugenix Total-T.

It makes my fur fall out, but I'm strong as an ox and hard as a--

Stop talking about your withered old d*ck. Here comes the kid.

[organ fanfare plays]

All right, I'm ready. Throw me some heat.

Ow! Jesus Christ! f*ck you. Ow.

I don't think this guy's ever played softball before.

I have not, but I love being included in things, so please don't un-include me.

You got this, baby. It's only left field.

Last season, our left fielder was a shovel in a baseball cap.

Well, I got to be better than a shovel.

Hey! Dennis may have no arms, but he has plenty of heart.

So, Pretty Paws of Sunnyside, are they, like, good?

Because my friend Franny's coming, and I do not want to embarrass myself.

They're pretty good. They got this Maltipoo from Venezuela

who's being scouted by the Mets.

Well, the Mets haven't met Kevin yet.

Your nose is bleeding again.

-Step. Step. Kick. Step. Flourish. -[sighs]

None of that was right. From the top.

Please, I beg you. Can we take five-minute break from Mame rehearsal?

I have been going hard on yerba mate.

Bathroom breaks are for real actors. You can piss in a bottle.

[Seth] Oh, no. That is awful,

awful, terrible news.

Judy, what is going on in there?

There's lots going on in here.

Rainbows, the garbage man's dating status,

that big, tall, shadowy man in a hat who stands over my bed.

Not in your head, in Seth's office.

The Hat Man's food is nightmares.

Listen up, g*ng. We have some unfortunate news, but don't panic.

-Stop panicking! -[air horn blowing]

There's been an outbreak of kennel cough, y'all.

-[all gasp] -So you better get real f*cking comfy

-because you're about to be quarantined. -g*dd*mn it.

Dennis is immunocompromised.

[ominous music plays]

♪ I'm coming home, I'm coming home ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming home, I'm coming home ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming home ♪

♪ I'm coming home, but I'm gonna roam ♪

♪ out on my own ♪

♪ Till you're home with me ♪♪

[Kevin] I'm Kevin.

Isn't kennel cough basically just a bad cold?

Actually, Queens is dealing with a nasty new strain called "Bordetella Beta."

"Symptoms may include: coughing, sneezing, sore throat,

fainting, a mucus-like discharge from the eyes..."

You're scaring Dennis! If he dies, who will dig his grave?

"And, in some cases--" Ugh.

"A smelly yogurt-like pus will excrete from your n*pples."

-[all gasp] -Sucks for y'all sickies.

Since my test was negative, I'm going upstairs

to add to my big list of nepo babies.

Did you know Sabrina Carpenter is Bart Simpson's niece?

Seth!

Tell this monster man to let me through.

His name's g*n, uh, honey.

A-A-Am I saying that right?

Is it pronounced like the weapon? Is that how you say it?

Anyway, uh, Animal Control believes that we've been exposed, my love.

And g*n, as our state-appointed quarantine officer,

can't let anyone in or out of the rescue until all residents are symptom-free.

Well, then where the f*ck am I supposed to go?

The Well Room.

For all of our furry friends who are exposed but asymptomatic.

[upbeat music playing]

No. No, no, no, no, no.

I am not spending all day locked up here with Glenn and his acorn farts.

I'm sorry, bran muffin. You stay strong.

-And stay in my heart forever and ever. -Ugh.

You know, Brandi, I'm kind of excited for us to get to know each other better.

If you could have dinner with anyone dead or alive--

Dead.

[coughing]

[tense, dramatic music playing]

[yowls]

[tense, dramatic music playing]

Is too bad we stuck here,

but Peter will use downtime to finally watch Six Feet Under.

Oh, no. I'm not letting some cold ruin my production of Mame.

If we can't go to rehearsal, then rehearsal is coming to us.

This is bullshit. I can't be in gen pop with everybody else.

There's no privacy. Where am I supposed to dial my pink telephone?

That's what you're thinking about right now? What about our game tomorrow?

What about my softball league debut?

You want to play ball, huh?

I do, and I need the practice.

-I got Franny coming to this. -Ooh.

She likes to watch, huh? Naughty, naughty.

Wait, hang on. Am I making you horny?

Ugh. Maybe I am sick. What were those symptoms again?

Mm, hard to think of anything but yogurt n*pples. What else?

There was coughing, sneezing, fainting.

I don't do that weak-a*s sh*t. [coughs, sneezes]

-Cupcake. -Kevin, come closer.

What is it, buddy? Is it bad?

I need you to help me make one last telephone call before I go.

-Okay. -The number is ,

and then you hit the zero

-until I beg you to stop. -Okay.

[Glenn] Oh, no. Is that a line?

Okay, maybe

-I should just do another one. [gasps] -[Brandi] Hey!

Do this someplace else, Glenn. I got to use the wee-wee pad,

and I don't need you watching me, you perv.

I've done a lot of work on myself, and I do not peep anymore, okay?

[gasps] Somebody took a poo-poo on the wee-wee pad.

Where the hell am I supposed to do my business now?

I can help you go to the bathroom.

I used my crafting supplies to make a homemade catheter out of boba straws.

Judy, what are you doing back here?

I'm immune.

Apparently, I'm already so full of germs, there's not room for any more.

I knew we should've went to the heart. There's probably no line at the heart.

Hey-o, Tetanus. What are you doing all the way back there?

Get up here, gorgeous.

Seth made me a nurse,

and I see nurses all the time, so I know how to act like one.

I can also do hospital machines.

Beep. Beep. Beep...

Ah, f*ck it. I'm gonna go piss on Kevin's Blu-rays.

When I hear the long beep, I see the Hat Man.

What kind of psycho buys The Irishman on Blu-ray?

Brandi, if you need some wet wipes, I have some fun ones called Dude Wipes.

Uh, excuse you.

I am a lady. I don't wipe, I scoot.

[coughing]

[tense, dramatic music playing]

Oh, no. Are you okay?

-Can I get you some cough drops? -[squawks]

Can I get you some cough drops?

-Oh, no, don't worry about me. -Oh, no, don't worry about me.

-But it's my job to worry about you. -Can we not do this sh*t right now?

[coughing]

Should we take Airborne? It was designed by teachers.

-The light! -Whoa!

It's so bright. [wheezes]

Is that you, sissy?

Wow, Cupcake's really sick. I thought she was invincible.

I mean, she dated the bat that started Covid.

Maybe it's just a -hour bug,

and it'll be really, really bad, but all over by tomorrow?

That's positive thinking.

-That doesn't apply to this situation. -What?

Even normal kennel cough is a multiple-day ordeal, and this strain

seems much, much, much, much, much, much worse.

Ugh! I'm gonna miss my game.

Who gave this to us? I want answers.

[Bear] "Goat Throat."

Stop googling Nancy Reagan porn.

I don't use the computer for that.

I don't want the government seeing me doing that.

Bear? Did you have any helpful information for us?

I do. Bordetella Beta is also known as "Goat Throat,"

and it says here, on the failing New York Times,

that "most animals contract it after extended contact with goats."

But who here would be hanging out with goats?

[traditional Greek music playing]

Clover, I'm serious. This is really good.

Have you thought about expanding into cheese?

I mean, I'm not a f*cking scientist, but this sh*t's gold.

Oh, sh*t.

[jaunty piano music playing]

-♪ Mame ♪ -[bike bell rings]

Hey. Use the bike lane, as*h*le.

If you owned the stage, they would go around you. Now, get those knees up.

-What? -Oh! High knees.

High knees when you kick.

g*dd*mn it, Peter.

Sorry. Is difficult to see through painfully infected eyes.

Toughen up, man. The dog from Frasier

didn't miss a single mark the day he got his ba*ls cut off.

How's it looking?

f*cking terrible.

You need to put more sauce on it.

We still can't hear you.

"Dab"? You're the director.

-[jaunty piano music playing] -[Armando] No, no, no.

Hey. Do you have to do that now? I want to see a permit.

-[tires screech] -[Billy groans]

Oh, g*dd*mn it. Billy!

What the f*ck? "Astoria Jackhammer Club"?

How is that a club? Cut.

Stop. And phone your loved ones 'cause we're gonna be here all n--

-[coughs] -[phone buzzes]

-Patti. -[Patti] Listen, doll.

-We can't work like this. -I agree.

Put me on speaker, so I can tear everyone a new as*h*le.

'Mando, the problem isn't with them, it's with you.

You're sick, and it's making you a bigger b*tch than you normally are.

That's why I'm taking over this rehearsal.

Okay, nags. Company move.

We'll take the Queensboro Bridge. Five, six, seven, eight.

[sighs]

You must admit, they are majestic creatures.

[straining, sighs]

Brandi? Could you be a dear and help me Bubble Boy myself?

It's moments like these where I really feel being single.

You know what, Glenn? I will lend you a helping hand because we need healing.

And there's nothing more healing than laughter. Hi-yah!

-[screams] -Oh, I'm taping this.

I'm sending this sh*t to Ridiculousness.

[laughs, coughs]

Seth! What in the holy hell are you doing?

I heard you cough.

That wasn't a cough. I was workshopping a new bark.

Oh, no. You're positive!

Hey! Do not say my personal info out loud like that.

That is a HIPAA violation.

The contagion, it's in here with us.

[grunts] I'm exposed.

You have to take her to the sick room, Seth. You have to follow the protocol.

I know that, Glenn.

Well, I ain't going nowhere.

[dramatic music playing]

I put my brakes on. See that?

He can't move me once I put my brakes on.

It's true. When the brakes go on, the walk is over.

He can't do nothing now, except stand there crying

in his Bonobos like a little p*ssy.

These aren't p*ssy tears.

They're tears for what I must do next.

Oh, what the f*ck? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no!

[whimpers]

[laughs deviously]

Oh, dear. That's unnerving.

You think you locked me in a dog crate?

Nah. All you did was knock over the first domino.

And when that last one falls, well, you'll find out.

[ominous music plays]

[grunting]

[coughing, groaning, sniffling]

Armando, don't squish me, don't squish me.

[chuckles] It's Kristie.

I spied on your show like you wanted me to.

Where the f*ck have you been?

I stayed up all night waiting for you.

Okay, I was on my way here,

but then I stopped off at Sardi's for one drink.

One, okay?

But then Chris Noth showed up, and, you know,

he had to start with the whole thing--

-The show, Kristie! -Oh.

Oh, yeah. I saw it, I saw it.

And, brother, it needs a lot of work.

I knew it. Patti's f*cking it up.

I mean, the horses were stiff.

And the choreography was just so boring.

Around and around in a circle for hours.

There's no story there.

But the music slapped.

[singing carousel music]

[groans] You went to the Central Park Carousel.

I have a drinking problem,

-and I need help. -[Cupcake coughing]

[hoarsely] Oh, my God, this sucks.

Who get us so ill?

Does it even matter?

Let's just save our energy and focus on feeling better.

I know what'll make us feel better.

A nice hot cup of Sleepytime tea?

Revenge.

We should find the sick f*ck who got us sick

and f*ck him up.

-[cheering] -Or we can channel all this anger

into winning the big softball game.

Let's not forget the real enemy here.

Pretty Paws of Sunnyside.

Boo!

Right, guys? Boo?

We're too sick for softball!

And my n*pples hurt now!

[Peter groans]

Look at yogurt coming from the big dog's teat.

Well, I think you got us sick, rat boy!

I am not rat!

I am purebred Chihuahua. Yip, yip.

-And what about Cupcake? -Me?

She f*ck anything that moves.

Goat move lots.

It was Armando.

He works with horses,

and I personally believe horses to be goats who have taken steroids.

Oh, please. It was Bear.

He's old and weak

and, I would have to assume, anti-vax.

I'll k*ll you!

Polly wants a riot!

-Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! -[growling]

Clack, clack, clack,

them dominos is falling. [cackles]

Aah! [grunts] Oh, no.

What you gonna do, punk?

I will bite you with a dog's mouth.

Okay, here's the game plan.

We hide in the drapes. We'll be safe in the drapes.

Sorry, Kevin. Mob mentality has won this round.

I'm going to k*ll one of the animals I live with.

[yelling]

[panting]

[coughing]

Oh, my God. You guys are so mad about this.

I-I mean, we're all so mad about this.

Yeah, and when we figure out who did this to us,

we're gonna make them persona...

[coughs] non grata.

They'll live, but they'll never live it down.

Like the guy in my chorus who farted during "Defying Gravity."

[Glenn] I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna find this guy,

sleep with his sister, and then break her heart.

That's how we handle things...

up in the trees.

[horn honks]

-[snoring] -f*cking Seth.

That lanky male l*sbian don't know what's about to hit him.

-[Seth singsongs] Brandi. -Oh, sh*t.

I've got a big healing bowl

-of bone broth for you. -[whimpering]

[weakly] Seth, can I talk to you?

Don't do this to me, Brandi.

I cannot let you out of there.

No, it's not like that. I just had time to reflect in here.

And in case this is the end...

No, I want us to die at exactly the same time!

...I just want to thank you for all the stuff you buy me.

I miss it all so much.

My Roku Stick.

Oh, my hump pillow.

My poster of JC Chasez.

He should have been the breakout star of NSYNC.

God, you're so smart. And right.

You are frequently right.

I am?

Take me upstairs and show me your souvenir spoon collection.

Wait a minute.

You said my pretty spoons were for un-f*ck grandma men.

[gasps] You're trying to manipulate me!

No, I'm not!

We're just finally vibing. Whoa.

Where are you taking me?

The only way we're gonna make it through this

is if I put a wall between me and your mind games.

-[crying] -You're putting me in the bathroom?

I'll f*cking k*ll you!

-I wish you would k*ll me! -Hey, hey!

This is trafficking!

-I'm calling Paw Patrol! -[crying]

I'm gonna use one of them spoons of yours to pop an eye out!

[snoring]

[grunts, groans]

[sighs]

Mmm.

[coughing]

[groans]

-[whimpers] -You betrayed us, Kevin.

You are persona non grata.

-[whimpers] -That means "everyone hates you."

He taught me Latin.

-Who did? -[door creaks open]

-[Judy] The Hat Man. -[yelps]

[spooky muttering]

[screaming]

[gasps] No!

[coughing]

[pants] Oh, f*ck.

sh*t.

I got to destroy those pictures.

[snoring]

Come on.

Whee. I'm flying.

Whee! I'm not flying.

-Hey! -[gasps]

Is this the AA meeting?

You're in an air conditioning duct.

Do you want to see a picture of Chris Noth's p*nis?

-No, thank you. -[singing carousel music]

Ah! [laughing]

[singsong] I did it, I got it,

I g-- [screaming]

[grunting]

Kevin, are you okay?!

What happened?

I think he fell out of that hole.

What were you doing up there?

He was trying to escape quarantine!

Or he was masturbating where the government can't see him.

No! I wasn't. I swear!

Then why were you in the vent?

And do you have a sister?

I was in the vent because...

that's where I've been hiding all your guys' Christmas presents!

Merry Christmas!

Come on. Whoo!

[grunts, gasps]

Look. It's a picture of Kevin with a goat.

-[gasping] -You know what that means?

There's a photo booth in the ceiling!

No. It means Kevin is patient zero.

-He was trying to destroy evidence. -You made

Activia come out of these proud American n*pples!

Let's get him, Dennis!

[groaning loudly]

-[gasping] -Holy sh*t. He's having a heart attack.

-They did it. -[gasping]

The CIA hacked my pacemaker.

They say talking to yourself is a sign of going crazy.

But I'm in the clear. I'm just talking to you, JC Chasez.

You don't deserve to be locked away like this, Brandi.

You're a good girl.

Oh! Take me away from here, JC Chasez!

Take me to Orlando.

You know, Brandi, I should have been the breakout star of NSYNC,

just like you should be the breakout star...

of this crate.

Are you JC Chasez-ing what I think you're sha-zaying?

-♪ Let's break out of here ♪ -♪ All right, girl ♪

♪ And bring back frosted tips ♪

♪ Yeah, oh, Brandi ♪

♪ you're a sexy dog ♪

-♪ A sexy dog ♪♪ -f*ck yeah, I am!

[monitor beeping steadily]

[sighs] Wow. You know, seeing one of our own laid out like this is very sobering.

And I just want to say,

I'm really, really sorry I got everyone sick.

I just-- I didn't want you all to be mad at me.

Because you guys mean a lot to me.

Shut the f*ck up, Kevin.

And give us a hug.

[gasp] Me, too, me, too, me, too!

I should have recognized the warning signs.

I'm a bad nurse.

You're not a bad nurse, Judy.

You're not a nurse at all.

You're an idiot in a costume.

I bought it at Spirit Halloween.

I'm wearing a thong!

If anyone needs to apologize here,

it's me. [inhales deeply, sighs]

You were right, Peter.

I've been completely unreasonable in my demands of this company.

It takes big cat to admit when he is wrong.

But it takes even bigger dog to forgive.

I am dog.

I'm sorry, too.

I put five G's on Pretty Paws beating us.

You bet against us?

-Yes, honey. And you were my ringer. -[beeping quickens]

You know, to help us lose?

You're worse than a shovel.

[gasps] What gender is the president?!

-[Judy] Bear! -Bear, buddy.

Are you okay? You had a heart attack.

Well, that makes three this week.

The first was when I found out that bacon in my breakfast sandwich was turkey bacon.

Uh-huh. What caused the second one?

When I found out the bread was whole grain!

You ever heard of this?

[upbeat music playing]

It's all over, my sweet Brandi!

I'm so proud of you!

I'm so proud of me!

Oh, dear.

[indistinct P.A. announcement]

I need two tickets to Orlando--

one for me and one for Mr. JC Chasez.

♪ Got TSA PreCheck ♪

♪ And Global Entry, baby ♪♪

♪ Prove to be inspirational ♪

♪ We think you're just sensational ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame...! ♪♪

Did you all feel that?

Because I did.

That's how you perform an o'clock number.

Well, f*ck me, she didn't ruin it.

Look at this.

The dead have risen.

I got to hand it to you, Patti.

That was great.

But I'll be taking it from here.

Back to one, everybody.

If this is about my previous behavior, you're in luck.

A near-death experience has changed me.

And so, moving forward, I promise to be better.

It's a little too late for that, 'Mando.

We had a meeting, and the entire cast is in agreement.

I am replacing you.

Permanently.

Wait, wait. Wait just one minute.

What-what about Peter?

He hasn't had a chance to weigh in.

Shouldn't he have a vote?

I...

choose Patti.

You know me-- I am shameless starfucker.

No, no, no!

This is my production. I hired you!

You can't do this to me.

Places.

-[sputtering, neighing] -I wouldn't stand there, Armando.

There's about to be , pounds of kickline coming through.

And now they know how to put some sauce on it.

[piano playing]

[groans]

Yeah.

Ow!

Kev! Hey, man.

Franny! You made it!

It was nice of the other team to reschedule.

Actually, when we had kennel cough,

Pretty Paws was dealing with an outbreak of parvo.

S-- At the same time!

Animals need to start washing their hands.

We do. We lick them.

Anyway, would you maybe want to come hang out with us after the game?

We're gonna go to Astoria Park and chase birds.

Nah, that's dumb.

You probably don't want to chase birds.

Are you kidding?

I love chasing birds.

I'm down.

Really?

Okay. I'll...

see you there.

♪ You've done it all ♪

[♪ Steve Harley & c*ck Rebel sing "Make Me Smile"]

♪ You've broken every code ♪

♪ and pulled the rebel to the floor ♪

[cheering]

[grunting]

♪ You spoiled the game ♪

♪ no matter what you say ♪

-♪ For only metal, what a bore ♪ -[cheering]

-♪ Ooh, la, la, la ♪ -♪ Blue eyes, blue eyes ♪

-♪ Ooh, la, la, la, ooh ♪ -♪ How can you tell so many lies? ♪

♪ Come up and see me, make me smile ♪

♪ or do what you want, running wild ♪

♪ There's nothing left ♪

♪ All gone and run away ♪

♪ Maybe you'll tarry for a while ♪

♪ It's just a test ♪

♪ a game for us to play ♪

♪ Win or lose ♪

♪ it's hard to smile ♪

♪ Ooh, la, la, la ♪

♪ Ooh, la, la, la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪♪

Chirp.