Room to Move (2025)

[bunniefuu]

[crackling]

[static hissing]

[video whirring]

-[nurse] You okay?

-[woman] Mm-hmm.

-[nurse] Is this your first baby?

-[woman] Mm-hmm.

[nurse] Okay.

Here's the baby's heart beating.

This is the baby's abdomen.

Here's the right kidney,

the left kidney,

the spine,

the tailbone, the lumbar,

dorsal, shoulder, the elbow.

The baby has a lot of room to move around.

This is the baby's head.

This is the outline of the baby's skull,

looking down on the top.

This is looking down into the brain.

[gentle music playing]

All the anatomy looks normal.

The baby's the right size.

Stomach, spine, bladder, kidneys, heart,

everything I can see on a baby this age

all looks normal.

[woman exhales]

-[woman breathing]

-[rain pattering]

[thunder rumbles]

[poignant ethereal music playing]

[Jenn] Hi, everybody.

Hello. [chuckles]

Okay, we have

a short amount of time together, so

-[indistinct chatter]

-I know a lot of you are graduating soon.

And moving into the world,

there's always a lot of unknown.

And this is a time where it feels like

you need to look everywhere for advice.

And you need to look everywhere

to understand how to go through your life.

So I just want to remind you,

remember that you're here.

And to look inward

and to trust yourselves,

because you have more answers

in here than you think you do.

["Ascension" by Like A Villain playing]

I feel scared.

I didn't know

that it was going to be this hard

learning all of this about myself.

[Gilbert] Do you

have questions for me?

[Jenn] Yes.

But at some point,

I just made the connection

that it's dangerous

to have curiosity or to ask questions.

Ten and one

[Gilbert] People need to understand

that some people

experience the world in a different way.

But the incredible way

that you perceive the world is amazing.

[Jenn] If dance was taken away from me,

I wouldn't know myself.

But that's why this changes everything.

[Gilbert] Tell me more.

[Jenn] There's a change

when you're actually able to acknowledge

and name experiences and feelings

that you've been having forever.

It just makes it a lot more real.

It's always felt

like something just didn't add up.

Everything just feels different now.

[Gilbert] We see a challenge

in three areas.

One is communication.

One is socialization.

And one is repetitive

and stereotyped behaviors.

You really are hitting

all of those three marks.

And I have to see it over time,

through your history

and early development.

[pensive music playing]

There is a neurobiology

to the way the person is

that starts very early in childhood

and really goes with you

through a lifetime.

And so you do meet the criteria

for autism spectrum disorder.

[automated voice] Autism spectrum disorder

is a complex developmental condition

that involves persistent challenges

in social interaction,

speech, and nonverbal communication

and restricted/repetitive behaviors.

ASD is typically diagnosed

in toddlerhood or early childhood.

The effect of ASD and the severity

of symptoms are different in each person.

[Gilbert] Do you have questions for me?

[music turn dramatic]

[audience chattering]

-[high-pitched ringing]

-[chatter increases]

[sound silences]

[Ian] You need anything?

[Jenn] Just feels like

It feels relieving, in a way.

[poignant music playing]

[Ian] I can't imagine.

[Jenn] Today, I officially received

my diagnosis

of autism spectrum disorder, Level 1.

"Requires support."

Pack a bag. [chuckles]

[Jenn chuckles] Pack a bag?

-Yeah.

-To go where?

-For the journey.

-Oh. [chuckles]

I forget you don't like analogies.

That one went over my head. [laughs]

[music turns pensive]

Yeah, I've had a lot of feelings. Like, I

I've felt like I don't trust my mind

or my headspace in this weird way.

It's like, um

I'll read, um traits

of a person with autism or ASD Level 1,

and, you know,

I feel like I'm reading about my life,

and it feels so clear to me,

and I identify so deeply.

And then the next moment I'll feel like

I'm making it all up, or it's not real,

or like I'm looking

for a, you know, quick fix or something.

It's this weird head game

I've been playing with myself.

But today I formally

received, um, diagnosis.

So I kinda can, like, take a breath

and know, um know myself.

I don't feel like I've ever really

had the possibility

or the opportunity to do that.

So it feels like a lot, but in a way, it

feels promising.

And I'm feeling grateful

that I've had the opportunity

to go through this process.

[Ian] So why are you afraid?

[Jenn] Participating in a documentary

is my worst nightmare,

having to communicate with someone

on, like, such a deep level, and

[ethereal music playing]

I trust Alex, but I don't like

to do things that I don't know how to do.

[Ian] But you know the answer

because all the things that you can do now

you once didn't know how to do.

So what made you somehow

overcome those moments?

[Alex] I'm like,

"I don't know where I am." What's up?

-[Ian] Good to meet you.

-[Alex] Nice to meet you.

-[Jenn] This is Ian.

-[Alex] Hey, Ian. I'm Alex.

Well, I believe

this is the right thing to do.

So I'll just do it.

[car horns honking]

[Jenn] This is James.

-[Alex] Wow, look at that.

-[Jenn] Wow. He's giving it. [laughs]

-[Alex] He's serving it.

-[Jenn] He's serving it up.

[Ian] And then the legend herself.

-That picture

-[Jenn] That's my first recital.

-[Alex] With the hand

-[Jenn] I know.

-[Alex] Do you mind if I mic you?

-[Jenn] Sure.

Part of what is stressful to me is that

I don't know how a documentary is made

or how, like, you work, and

-[Alex] You're also filming me.

-I've been filming.

I'm just trying to capture stuff

of just her kind of existing in space.

And it's been awesome.

It's weird because

every person I, like, encounter now

doesn't know this.

So-- And then also to be

thinking about filming all--

Like, everything is just crazy.

-Everything is

-[laughs]

Every day is like

a day I haven't experienced yet.

[poignant music playing]

You're gonna freak.

[Alex] Wow, look at that.

I have this courage

to do things in the name of dance

that, like, I would not be able to do

as just Jenn.

-Like what we're doing right now.

-[Alex] Same.

And like a lot of things in my life

because at, like,

the seed of every interaction

or every opportunity or every job is,

"No, I don't wanna do that."

Like, it feels instantaneously

a level of anxiety.

But I just do it anyways.

[Alex chuckles] I'm exactly the same way.

-Um, this project, I think, is different.

-Okay.

[Alex] I'm honestly

not really sure what it is yet.

Basically, my whole career revolves around

what performance gives to the audience.

[crowds screaming]

[Alex] But I've always wanted to explore

what performance actually gives back

to the artists themselves.

Totally.

[Alex] And that led me

to movement-based psychotherapy,

which is just a very fancy way of saying

"communication through dance

when words fail."

-Totally.

-[Alex] This is something I struggle with.

-You were the first person I thought of.

-[Jenn] Of course.

[Alex] I realize it's been six years,

but I reached out to you

because I've been following your career

since we did that music video together.

[dramatic music playing]

I think it's fate

that after all this time,

I texted you on the same day

you got your diagnosis.

I still can't get over it.

It's so bizarre.

I got home the night before

from a trip to LA.

We have her session next morning.

Boom, in comes the email.

-Yeah.

-[Ian] And then her session is just wild.

[music fades]

[Alex] What was the draw

to go into performing arts and to dance?

My answer before was that

I was just guided into it

and fell in love with it.

And it feels like it's my purpose

and what I'm supposed to do

with this life.

-And it's my talent.

-[tender music playing]

And it's the way

that I connect with people.

And it's the way that I can help people.

But I just always had

this feeling that I was guided

or being, like, guided through this life,

which I still do in a way,

but I think I just really--

I just became obsessed with dance,

possibly just because I'm autistic.

-And, like, it was

-[Alex chuckles]

It was helpful for me

in ways that I am just now understanding.

[Alex] Okay, let's see where this goes.

Maybe we ease into it,

and I just shadow you.

-Okay. Okay.

-And we see if anything comes from it.

Okay. Then, let's begin.

[bus engine rumbling]

-[car horns honking]

-[sirens wailing distantly]

[elevator chimes]

[pensive poignant music playing]

[drums playing lively dance rhythm]

[dancers cheering]

[Jenn] One, two, three, four, five, six

-And one, two. Ha, ha.

-[dancer whoops]

[dancers whoop]

[Jenn] Yes, Barry! Ha, ha.

Ha, ha. Hey! Hup!

Five, six

Hey! Yes!

-Yes, go wide

-[ethereal music playing]

All that space in your quadrant.

Yes. Yes.

Eyes here. Let me see you.

In the beginning, it was just dance.

But it's been years

Opening, it's flowering.

since it stopped being

that therapy for me.

[lively drum rhythm resumes]

At some point,

dance started taking more from me

than it was giving me.

Yes!

As a human, when I'm watching you dance,

if I can't find your eyes,

I literally can't connect with you.

I found a way to make a living

doing the thing I love,

but it's been a long time

since I've been able to find

the joy in moving.

But I'm still having this career

that's happening simultaneously,

but I'm not really finding

the joy in it for myself.

[pensive music playing]

But I'm still showing up for my students.

Yes! That's right. Let's go, guys.

It's hard for me to find environments

where I truly do love dancing now.

[Gilbert] I can see

how you have lost some of that.

[Jenn] I'm really blessed that I can

make a living doing the thing that I love,

but it's also kind of a curse,

because you can lose the joy

in the thing that you love.

[dancers cheering]

[pensive music continues]

We come down hard. All right?

We come down hard,

because that's how we're trained

and that's what we really want to do.

Yes, I'm disciplined,

but I love seeing effort in dance.

I don't like it to look too easy

or too perfect or too polished.

I like seeing that, especially in women.

I wanna see the power

behind what you're doing, and the effort.

But it's hard.

This place has been iconic to me.

I grew up in Idaho

in the middle of nowhere,

and I used to, like, see Steps

in dance magazines, and I would--

Like, this studio. This studio.

And I just wanted--

Like, I wanted to be here so bad.

And the fact that I'm here with you

and so many familiar faces

that I've known for years and years,

I feel so grateful.

-You guys are--

-[woman] We love you!

[cheering and whooping]

[drums playing lively rhythm]

[all cheering]

[Jenn] Five, six, seven, eight

[automated voice] Symptoms must be present

in the early developmental period,

but may not become fully manifest

until social demands

exceed limited capacities,

or may be masked

by learned strategies in later life.

-[ethereal music playing]

-How do I know

When it's overload?

-[music fades]

-[Robbyn] Jennifer!

-[Bryon] Hi!

-[Robbyn] Say hi!

-Okay, go!

-[Bryon] Hi!

[Robbyn] Just look.

-Yeah, come on.

-[Bryon] Hi!

[man on TV] This is the way

I was my face early in the morning

[Robbyn] What in the world

is wrong with you?

[Jenn] Saying hello

from my favorite place on planet Earth.

My happy place.

I love it here. [laughs]

It's like one o'clock,

on a Tuesday, in the afternoon.

And this is my second bath today.

Just one of those days.

[upbeat pop music playing]

[Holland] What do you feel?

What do you feel?

What do you feel?

[Gilbert] Stimming is anything

that you do with your body

to be able to get yourself

to a regulated place.

[Holland] What do you feel?

[Gilbert] Anything that is bringing about

regulation for that person

is really a stimulatory kind of behavior.

[Ian] Nice toes.

[Gilbert] When you were younger,

I think that you were self-stimming

when you were twirling.

And your parents called it dancing.

-[upbeat music playing]

-Huh?

[Bryon] Finish dancing your dance.

[music fades]

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

Could you move your hips any faster?

Ha! [laughing]

-There you go.

-[Jenn] Nice.

Drop.

Now other side.

[Jenn] Beautiful.

[Sonya] Step! Step, step, five!

Step, five! Kick, kick, five!

[laughing hysterically]

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

Okay? You wanna try it with music?

-One, two.

-[classic pop music playing]

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

[automated voice] Hyper-

or hypo-reactivity to sensory input

or unusual interests in sensory aspects

of the environment.

Apparent indifference

to pain or temperature.

Adverse response

to specific sounds or textures.

Excessive smelling or touching of objects.

Visual fascination

with lights or movement.

[Ian] Feel good?

-Yeah.

-[Ian] What feels good about dragging it?

Just like my human instinct

just wants to do this.

The vibration in my hand and the sound.

I feel bound.

[pensive music playing]

There's so many manifestations

of social challenges.

There's so many manifestations

of sensory issues.

[family] Happy birthday, dear Jennifer

[brakes screeching]

[indistinct chatter]

-[jackhammer thudding]

-[indistinct chatter]

[man] Is it too bright?

-[Jenn] The visuals, sound, texture

-[baby crying]

[poignant music playing]

-[Bryon] Sorry. Wipe it on your pants.

-[toddler Jenn] Uh-uh! [crying]

-[Bryon] Oh, Jennifer, stop it.

-Yuck!

-Yucky!

-[Bryon] Just go back to the car.

[Gilbert] It's a lot to process.

-[Ian] You doing all right, Jenn?

-It's too much.

I literally, like, shut down.

I feel crazy.

[Ian] That's why you should

let me continue to shop--

No, but I wanted to try to have fun

and pick out stuff together.

It was like lightning in my eyes.

Like, it was like flashes.

This, like, bright light.

Literally, it felt like

my brain was breaking.

Like, permanently.

[Gilbert] It's very overwhelming.

I think that your sensory system right now

has been on overload for so long.

["My Hands" by Like A Villain playing]

It's important

for you to come up with ways to cope.

Sorry that it hurts

But that's not always healthy for you.

It's what you need in that moment

to be able to soothe

and to deal and to process.

-[Jenn] What?

-[Ian] Having really heavy beer cravings.

It's bad. It's 'cause I started drinking

when I was f*ck' 13.

Binge-drinking. It's in my DNA. It sucks.

[Jenn] I understand.

So much

[Jenn] Pour me one too, babe.

[Gilbert] When things are too heightened

or things are not patterning out

the way that makes sense

for someone like you,

the world is gonna be challenging

and hard to be in.

["My Hands" continues]

[Jenn] As an adult,

you basically just stop stimming

[Ian] Get it out, buddy.

Burn it out. It's okay.

Let it hit you where it needs to hit you.

[Jenn] Because it makes

other people feel uncomfortable.

Or you feel judged.

[Gilbert] And that's why having

the ability to regulate,

to refuel, and to be able to balance

in a very healthy way is very important.

[Jenn] I disguised my stimming as dancing.

My hands

My hands

[Gilbert] Find the balance,

find the middle,

find where you need to be.

Or also just to cocoon

and just be in a space that felt safe.

[Jenn] Yeah, I did that a lot

when I was younger.

Like, make little nooks for myself.

[Gilbert] And that can be a place

where you find a lot of solace

and a lot of comfort.

Being out in nature is very soothing,

so you would wanna go into those spaces

for long periods of time and just be.

["My Hands" continues]

-[Jenn] Ready?

-[Ian] Yep!

[Jenn] Whoo!

So pretty. What do you think?

I love it.

I love it too.

-I love you.

-I love you, buddy.

["My Hands" continues]

[Gilbert] Tune out the whole world.

[song fades]

[Ian chuckles]

[Ian imitating electronic dance beat]

-Is that the arm or the hip? What is that?

-[Jenn] It's all f*cked, doesn't matter.

[man] Was it

a sports-related injury you had?

[Jenn] Yeah. I'm a dancer.

-[man] Dr. Borowski will be in in a few.

-[Jenn] Okay.

-These are too small for me.

-[Ian chuckles]

-[Jenn] Too small. I need bigger ones.

-[Ian] Let me see your butt.

-Turn around.

-[Jenn laughs] No.

[Ian] Let's play the nurse-doctor fantasy.

[Jenn] No, thank you.

[pensive music playing]

-[Ian] Is she broken?

-[Jenn] Is my career over?

[Borowski laughs]

Pull this knee towards my hand.

[Jenn] That's Whoa!

[Borowski] Yeah. [laughs]

-Okay, so

-[Jenn] Anything lifting my leg is bad.

[Borowski] Okay.

[Jenn] I was able to dance through it.

Everything was fine.

-[Ian] As she always does, though.

-[Borowski] Right. Of course.

[Jenn] At this point in my life,

all you're doing is dancing through pain.

[Borowski] You've got

a couple things going on.

So your hip flexor

does certainly seem to be all fired up.

What I would say is that,

actually, let's get the MRI now.

I wanna do it to make sure

we're not dealing with a stress reaction.

[tense music playing]

[Ian] If this becomes a situation,

she has Martha Graham coming up.

[Jenn] On top of everything I'm doing,

I have nationals coming up.

-[Borowski] Let's do physical therapy

-[Jenn] Classes have 250 to 400 people

[overlapping voices]

[Jenn] It's gonna be a lot.

[serene music playing]

[automated voice]

Insistence on sameness.

Inflexible adherence to routines.

Or ritualized patterns

or verbal/nonverbal behavior.

[Holland] Take me home

[Ian] What you thinking?

[Jenn] I'm thinking

this is not interesting.

What are you filming?

[Ian] I think it's interesting.

Pack.

[Jenn] I'm not fun to watch, you know.

[Ian] Wanna bring James?

I wish.

[Ian] Jenn's packing,

and she's not happy.

What are you thinking?

[ethereal music playing]

She's not winning at this moment.

[children singing indistinctly]

[Gilbert] For you,

it's very hard to know what to do,

where to begin, how to interact,

how to have a conversation,

how to understand

someone else's perspective, emotionally.

You are having to process

each and every person,

each and every person's emotions,

each and every person's backstory,

reading the room

and reading what's happening.

And it is very challenging

when you think about

how much someone

has to cognitively unpackage something.

And for you, the pressures

are quite a few in social situations.

They're many.

-[unsettling music playing]

-[indistinct chatter]

[phone line dialing]

[automated voice]

Your call has been forwarded

to an automatic voice message system.

[on recording] You've reached Alex.

Leave a message.

[voicemail beeps]

[Jenn breathing heavily]

[Jenn] Yeah, Alex

I'm here, teaching classes,

but I don't know

what the disconnect with my body is.

One of the reasons I love movement so much

is because it's fleeting.

Once it comes out, it's done.

[ethereal music playing]

I'm happier when I'm moving more.

But literally,

the last thing I wanna do is move.

So, yeah, I don't--

I don't know what's happening.

All right, dancers, come out

onto the floor if you're taking class.

[music fades]

How am I supposed to motivate these kids

if I can't even motivate myself?

[music fades]

What time are you getting here?

[voicemail beeps]

[Ian chuckles]

Told you you're not allowed

to film me while I'm sleeping.

-Well, you're awake.

-[both laugh]

Good night.

Bye.

[Jenn] You have to do a dance in front

of the window 'cause the shot's good.

[Alex] Like

[Jenn] I can see

your silhouette like Beyonc. [laughs]

[Alex] If only.

-[Jenn] I always request a bathtub.

-[Alex] Uh-huh.

That's why I got put

back in this building because I think--

-[Alex] It's a bathtub building?

-It's a bathtub building.

I was having panic attacks last night.

Which is so dumb

because I'm prepared. Like

And I've been doing this

for over a decade.

-[Alex] Yeah.

-But it just never get--

To me, it gets just harder.

It doesn't get easier.

-Really, why?

-Yeah, I don't know.

I guess, like

I don't know. It just doesn't get easier.

'Cause I feel like--

More is expected from you?

Not expected, but like

I'm like never getting to a place

where I'm phoning it in.

I'm still trying to do

new things all the time.

-Yeah.

-So

-But do you want to phone it in?

-No.

Let's just [exhales]

Let's take a breath together.

[all inhale]

-[Jenn] Exhale.

-[all exhale]

[Jenn] And just take a moment

to remember why you are here.

Are you sober?

[Alex] Whoa.

-I am actually, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Um, about three years.

-Yeah.

Why did you stop drinking?

I needed to.

["Gloss" by Holland Andrews playing]

[Jenn] I really want to see you

step inside of the movement.

Produce the movement from the inside out,

make it yours from the top.

I want to be sober,

but I'm struggling with it.

I want you to be

generous with your approach

and generous with your spirit.

Don't worry about you right now.

Let's affect the others.

Does that make sense?

And realizing

that I really started drinking in college

when I was forced to, like,

be part of more social community.

[Alex] Ugh. Exactly.

So I've always really relied on it

to, like, help me.

[Alex] Me too.

It's far better without,

but it is not easier.

Yeah. It's been back and forth for me too.

And I just feel like I want to be done.

Yeah.

I want to be done.

Five, six, seven. Here we go.

One, two, three, four.

Back,

forward, again.

[feet stomping]

Three, four.

Back,

forward, again.

It's so much more than just the movement.

I like seeing the fight.

Forward. Again.

[feet stomping]

Three, four. Back.

Forward, again.

[Alex] How long have you

been working together?

Ten years, 11 years.

[Jenn] Again.

I've known Tay since she was 12.

-[Alex] And how old are you now?

[Jenn] I've been making dances on her

since she was 12.

Yeah. Three.

That's it. There's something

about your focus. It's everything here.

[feet stomping]

Three, four.

Back,

forward, again.

One, two, three, four.

Back,

forward, again.

[feet stomping]

Three, four.

Back, forward, again.

-One, two, three, four. Back

-[ethereal music playing]

[automated voice] Symptoms cause

clinically significant impairment

in social, occupational,

or other important areas

of current functioning.

[Jenn] One, two, three, four.

Back, forward, again.

[feet stomping]

Three, four. Back, forward, again.

One, two, three, four, five

[Ian] Jenn, you okay, honey?

eight

-Do you not want to go to rehearsal today?

-No, I do. I just

I feel a little crazy.

What's making you feel crazy, honey?

I'm not sure.

It's okay to just have

a panicky day sometimes.

[sighs]

[poignant music playing]

The panic attacks

seem to be happening a lot more.

And right out the gate

in the beginning of the day,

so we laid on the couch for a few minutes

and tried to get her to breathe.

Drew her a bath.

Danced around

in my underwear a little bit. [exhales]

Tried to just shock her brain

from that terrible sight.

That got some laughs, but it--

You know, it's not lasting.

[Gilbert] What do you feel?

[Jenn] I feel out of control.

My emotions come

so much faster than my words.

-Yes.

-That's what's hard.

Yes.

You're not recognizing

that all of this is going on internally,

and you're pushing yourself

to the extent that then it comes out,

and you're like, "What is all of this?"

But this has always been.

It's just not been talked about.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-And I can't tell what the emotion is.

-Yeah.

It's just, like large.

[poignant music continues]

I think it's just too much.

I don't know how she does it.

[music stops]

[thunder rumbling]

It hurts.

[exhales]

[groans]

[inhales]

[groans]

It hurts to breathe.

[sighs]

[indistinct chatter]

[man] Little bit of a pinch, okay?

[Jenn exhales]

[Ian] Good job, babe. Good job.

So Jenn's had an autoimmune flare-up,

which has revealed

that she has gallstones.

Now we have to have emergency surgery

to have them removed.

So, she's pretty, uh

She's hit pretty hard right now.

[indistinct chatter]

[man] We'll come down.

This one is not under your control.

[Ian] So I'm headed up

to White Plains for Alex

because he is in the ER

right now up at White Plains,

and Miguel, his husband,

is out of town for work.

And so I'm gonna go up,

make sure he's okay.

[FaceTime chiming]

Hi.

[Alex] What a pair.

[both laugh]

-Hey.

-Yeah.

-Hey.

-What's going on?

I am in the hospital too.

-[laughs]

-Whoo!

I would've been there,

had I not been sliced open.

[Alex] That is absolutely true.

I just got to Alex's house.

[poignant music playing]

Um, got him situated.

He's being admitted to the hospital.

Well, he is admitted to the hospital.

Um

Running some brain MRIs.

He's definitely not himself right now.

Uh, I definitely think

it's more than, uh, burnout.

I'm pretty sure he's afraid.

And I know Miguel is rushing

to get back here tomorrow.

And on the heels of Jenn,

and that scary, uh, gallbladder procedure

that just had to happen,

it's like all the people in my life

that mean the most to me

are really going through it.

-[Jenn] Do you want to see my cuts?

-[Alex] Of course I do.

[Jenn] They pulled it,

the gallbladder, out of this.

-[Alex] Oh, interesting.

-[Jenn] You look gorgeous.

-[laughs]

-[Jenn[ Do you have a filter on? [laughs]

No.

Not us both in the hospital

in the same week.

I just wanted to see your guys' faces,

'cause it--

We've all had some really tough weeks,

and Ian is, you know, mama bear.

[chuckles]

How are you doing? How you feeling?

[Jenn] Went to reload yesterday and today.

I'm just doing some really light movement,

but I'm just walking, basically.

That's funny,

we were literally in the same position,

because I'm just trying

to walk in straight lines.

-Buddy.

-I'll go over

What's going on?

Well, I have, um, this thing called--

Do-- What was it called, Ian?

Guillain-Barr.

Guillain-Barr, sounds beautiful.

So it's like your autoimmune response

goes into overdrive

and attacks your nerve cells

that talk to your muscles to move.

It's like your proprioception is off.

Yeah, I have no idea

what that word means, but yes. [laughs]

Your body's going like, "f*ck this,

we're going to attack everything."

[Jenn] Overreacting.

[Alex] It can really be paralytic.

And as you know, we're always talking

about mind-body connection.

It kind of puts

all that kind of stuff in perspective,

because you really got to figure out

what's important to you

and make it happen.

-Yeah.

-While you still can.

Absolutely.

[poignant music continues]

[Jenn] Yeah, keep going.

Love that.

[laughs]

[Jenn] Growing up, I always felt

a little on the outside of my own family

or a little misunderstood.

That's why my chosen family

now means so much to me.

We've just known each other for so long.

-Where are you going?

-[Sonya] Up.

-[Jenn] How high?

-[Sonya] Real high.

[Jenn laughs]

Six, seven, and an eight, we go.

[Gilbert] That joy, I think that

the more that you allow yourself

to kind of get back into

what brings you pleasure in your field,

and you'll find that joy again.

[both laughing]

[Gilbert] Find the things

that you love about it,

talk to the people that fill you up,

and surround yourself with those people

and try to have fun

and find the fun in what you do again.

[Barry] Wow.

Yeah, I mean, that's a lot to take in.

[Jenn] Are you gonna be okay?

Always.

-I'm sorry.

-It's okay.

-It's how it goes.

-Yeah.

Can't feel the ups

if you don't feel the downs.

[both laugh]

Do you feel the need

to give inspirational quotes right now?

Yeah.

[Jenn] What other quotes

do you think people should know?

-[Barry] You know

-[Jenn laughs]

I've always thought,

and this is an original idea

[Jenn laughs]

Be the change

that you wish to see in the world.

[both laugh]

-[Jenn] Wow. That's deep.

-[Barry] Yeah.

[Jenn] Be the change

you wish to see in the world.

[dramatic music playing]

[Gilbert] If movement is what tells

your stories and tells your emotions,

I think that's where

you need to be right now.

[Jenn] I know what to do.

It feels like I have a message to share,

which is why I know

that my dancing is still there.

[Gilbert] Your dance

is absolutely with you.

So that tells you a lot

about what you need to do for yourself.

[Jenn] I've always understood

the world around me

and my place in it by making dance.

I've learned so much.

I wanna share it with the world.

It's time to make something.

[Gilbert] You'll find that joy again.

[music fades]

[Jenn] Let's begin.

[Sonya] You got this in the bag

Literally in the bag, you're loving it

All the possibilities are endless

What are they?

[all] Endless!

-[Sonya] Who are we? Perfect.

-[Ian] Perfect

We are perfect people

In a perfect space

And we honor it

With such grace and grace

And we boop, boop, boop, boo!

All right!

Everything that you bring

is magic and beautiful and meant to be.

Thank you for all saying yes.

Let's make a show.

-[people cheering]

-[Jenn] Yeah.

Do you have any interest

in telling this group how you realized?

When I realized that this is me,

I was completely uneducated about autism,

a hundred percent uneducated.

I think most of you know the story,

but I realized I might be autistic

while watching Alex's docu-series

about Amy Schumer.

Uh, following Amy's pregnancy,

creation of a comedy special,

but there was a sidebar in the film

about Amy's husband, Chris.

And in the film, he ends up receiving

a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder.

The way it was shown in the documentary

was so-- Just suddenly.

She loved this amazing guy.

There was a disconnect

in the way they communicated.

So they went to a doctor.

[Jenn] And it was

when I was watching this episode

that I had the epiphany

that I too was autistic.

I had never thought this

about myself before.

It was when I was watching you speak

and then, like, the way that your family

was speaking about you.

I still-- I don't know what it was.

And I was like, "I really relate

to whatever is happening."

They identify that you're different,

but then they don't ever tell you that.

If you're with someone on the spectrum,

you have to love that about them.

[Jenn] The way that

I found out about myself

was because someone else

had the courage to share their story.

That's why I want to make this show.

I remember the moment I realized,

and it literally felt like

the world just cracked open.

I think in most realizations you feel--

In something that huge,

is that you feel

the world coming down on you,

but you felt the world cracking open.

And I think

there's something really beautiful

about needing to feel like

what you feel and the way you see is real,

and that "It is my brain."

An actual trait of autism,

especially Level 1, is masking.

-It just goes hand in hand. Um

-[poignant music playing]

This idea that, like, you're not "allowed"

to exist as your real self.

So you make a habit of, like, starting

to mask different aspects of yourself.

And over time it builds and builds

and builds to a point where, like,

you don't even consciously realize

that you're doing it.

Once you realize you're doing it

and you have the desire to stop,

it's nearly impossible.

And also like this idea

of knowing who you are

underneath all of that

also feels impossible.

We have footage going all the way back

to Jenn's ultrasound.

Her father filmed everything.

[Alex] Can you tell me

about what you're putting together?

[Sonya] It's hard to explain.

Trying to build this analysis environment

of Jenn's diagnosis,

an expression

of how she survived through movement

and how she created

a lot of her vocabulary

through her stimming,

her tics, her anxieties.

[Jenn] When I was little,

I loved the way it felt when I was dizzy.

It made everything disappear, literally.

[Sonya] So it's an analysis

of an evolution

of a movement vocabulary

she didn't realize she was making.

It's almost like I make the movement

from an instinctual place,

and then I'm able to look back on it

and understand

what I was feeling at the time.

[pensive music playing]

[Gilbert] What you did is took dance

and made that your way of regulating

from when you were little

and you flapped your hands and you'd spin.

-[Robbyn] Twirl!

-[Gilbert] They became very positive.

So I think dance connected you

in so many ways

to people in the dance world that said,

"Yeah, come on, we wanna be your friend,"

because you were so into

what they were into.

-[Jenn] Spin me!

-[whoops]

[Jenn] That's what's been

so powerful for me to think about.

When I was doing those things,

people said that I was dancing.

That repetition of movement

really connected you.

And I think in your dance,

that's communication,

and it's connected you with so many people

'cause you don't have to use your words.

You can use your body to say something.

[on recording] You're an individual person

looking at other individuals

that have an easier time

at socially relating,

but they don't see the world

in the beautiful way you do.

There's something to celebrate

but not see in a negative light,

because they're really beautiful.

Dr. Kim

-[Jenn] I know. She

-Can we just talk about Dr. Kim?

That is beautifully said to reassure

someone who has new information

that may literally shift

the trajectory of her life.

-[dancers gasping]

-[Sonya] Oh!

-[Jenn] There we go.

-[Sonya] Perfection.

[poignant music playing]

[Jenn] Sonya, she's been a constant

in my career and my life.

There's no part of this piece that exists

without the two of us coming together.

[Sonya] She told me on my roof,

I thought she was-- [laughs]

She said, "I have something to tell you."

I was like, "Oh f*ck."

Got very serious.

And then what did I ask you?

"Are you pregnant?"

-"Are you quitting?"

-[Jenn] Yeah.

What did I do?

-It was all these questions.

-[Jenn] Yeah.

-I was like, "I'm autistic."

-And then I was like, "Oh!"

-Yeah, "Oh!"

-"Oh!"

[laughs]

"f*ck yes. Okay. Like, now what?"

[poignant music continues]

[Jenn] That's what makes it crazy.

It's not the actual diagnosis itself

and the experience of being autistic.

It's going through almost 34 years

of your life not knowing it.

[Sonya] We've had

many experiences together,

and those experiences

are part of this too.

Like, the struggles she's had

in our friendship and our workplace.

I just wish I knew

because to be able to have an awareness

of how to have her live life

but also live a life she sees as lighter

Like, a little lighter. [cries]

I didn't know.

[Jenn] That's the point.

If you don't know,

you don't even have a starting point.

-You don't even have a chance.

-[Sonya] Yeah.

What's crazy

is that you feel sad or bad about it,

but I felt the most seen by you.

That's ironic.

[Sonya] Let's make this show together.

[Jenn] Together.

Don't come near me, I'm gonna cry.

Love you

But you're gonna lose your mind

I'm gonna do it

In the musical theater fashion

-Maybe you won't cry

-[laughs]

["You Were Right"

by Virginia Marcs playing]

Are these still my hands?

I can't feel them

Don't recognize them anymore

[Jenn] I'm experiencing

some serious burnout

at a level that, like,

I've ever experienced before.

Literally not even being able to move.

So that's why, like, this process

and to make this piece,

doing this now is serendipitous in a way

because I feel so far away

from, like, what I knew before

that, like, if I don't step

into something like this now,

I feel like I might lose it.

-[Sonya] Yeah.

-You know?

Like, I need to know myself

back in this place that feels like home.

Like it used to.

[inaudible dialogue]

[Jenn] Or else I don't know

if I will step back into it.

["You Were Right" continues]

I love these people.

They're family to me.

So there's something

about the combination of hearing Kim

and then seeing them in the space.

Thank you so much

to every single person in this room.

I don't know. It's like life and art meet

in this, like, really cool way that

I've never experienced before for myself.

I've witnessed that happening

for other people, but not for me.

So, it's really cool.

Okay, Jenn, why don't you play it for us

since you put it

[Gilbert on recording] So that's kind of

everything in a nutshell.

Do you have questions for me?

Oh!

-[Jenn] Yeah.

-Okay!

-That's exciting. Hit it again.

-[Jenn] Yeah.

[Gilbert] Um, So that's kind of everything

in a nutshell.

Do you have questions for me?

That might be

the f*cking thing that unlocks it.

-[Jenn] Yep.

-[Sonya] "Yes, I do."

"And it's right--

And here are my questions." Literally.

That's great.

Hit it again. Good job, Jenn.

[Gilbert] Do you

have questions for me?

Love it. Let's keep going.

["You Were Right" continues]

I'm more than what you see

Look at this.

All my hair is breaking.

I'm literally losing, like,

tons of hair.

-Look at this.

-[song fades]

All broken.

And my hair is, like, falling out.

What is happening to me?

[crickets chirping]

How long am I just gonna be like this?

-I don't feel good.

-[Ian] Hm?

I don't feel good.

Do you want to talk to Alex?

He deals with this stuff a lot too.

[sniffles softly]

[sniffles]

Alex. [sniffles]

[Ian] What?

[softly] I'm gonna call Alex.

[FaceTime dialing]

[line dialing]

[dialing continues]

-[poignant music playing]

-[dialing continues]

[Ian] Still no?

Waiting for Alex to call me.

[sniffles]

-[Ian] Okay.

-[sniffles]

[FaceTime dialing]

Hey. It's Alex.

-Hey, guys.

-Hey.

-Where have you been?

-What's going on?

[Alex] Uh

Well, I was back in the hospital.

[Ian] What happened?

[Alex] It was the same thing

that happened before.

[Jenn] That's awful. Why?

[Alex] I have a variant of Guillain-Barr

called Miller Fisher syndrome.

And it just keeps coming back

again, again, and again.

[Jenn] How is this happening?

[Alex] For me specifically,

they don't really know

what has been causing it

other than mental and physical stress.

But this kind of stuff has been happening

since I can remember.

[Ian] What do you mean?

I really don't understand it. Um

But it is part

of something bigger, you know?

[Ian] Do you want to share?

[poignant music continues]

[Alex] It affects me in a way

where I can't--

physically and mentally can't function.

[Jenn] Can you explain that

a little bit more?

[Alex] Well, I always understood

what depression was

because I was always deep, deep in it.

[Jenn] I didn't realize that.

[Alex] And I always knew

the word "anxiety,"

but for some reason,

I didn't really know what it meant.

Once I really learned what it meant,

I realized like, "Oh, that's my baseline."

[Jenn] The reality is

that it's always like that for me.

I've had depression and anxiety, like,

for so long that I didn't even know

that I was suffering

because I thought that

that's just how life was.

[Alex] Same.

-Yeah, I've been on medication for years.

-Yeah.

It's taking away the edge,

but you still have

these huge bouts of anxiety.

You still have these bouts of depression.

You literally couldn't be healthier.

-Yeah.

-You couldn't exercise more.

You're also sober.

Like, what the f*ck else

are you supposed to do better?

-Yeah.

-And then you're still feeling like this.

[Alex] Well, basically,

I really feel like

I could share this with you guys, uh, now.

We learned a while ago

that I'm actually, um

bipolar.

And it, uh, affects me

in more ways than I would like to admit.

-My immune system can go bananas.

-Yeah.

And then my body just breaks down.

[Jenn] Same.

I'm void.

-Yeah.

-I'm empty.

-There's nothing.

-Yeah.

[Jenn] We're not working

towards eliminating these episodes.

[Alex] Right.

[Jenn] You're actually working towards

accepting them as part of your life.

[Alex] Aren't I

supposed to be comforting you?

[Jenn] I understand.

But, like, knowing you're not alone,

it's not your fault,

that's enough sometimes

to just get someone, like, moving forward.

[Alex] Thank you for listening.

[Alex] Saying it out loud is--

That's the hardest part.

-[Alex] Well, you make it easier.

-[music fades]

You and I

still got some sh*t to figure out.

[wind blowing]

[Ian] Do you feel sadness

or do you feel relief right now?

No, I just feel like I'm changing.

I'm changing, and, like, it feels sad

but good.

[VCR clicking]

[tape whirs]

[Ian] What type of changes

are you feeling?

No, I think it's just letting go

of, like, the idea of [sniffles] what I--

Like, what I thought, um, I was.

[woman on tape]

Jennifer is a straight-A student,

who likes school and loves to dance.

When she is older,

Jennifer hopes to be a famous dancer.

Jennifer would like to thank her family

for helping her so much with dance.

She loves them very much.

[ethereal music playing]

[Jenn] I was obsessed with it.

Always have been, always will be.

I liked that I lost myself

in, like, the hard work and the dancing.

[percussive dance music playing]

So would you say at those times

you're at peace when you're dancing?

-Yeah.

-[pensive music playing]

I think nothing else exists,

but I'm also going to a place

of just ignoring my needs completely.

Being in the dance world,

you're constantly surrounded

by people who are not honoring balance.

'Cause it's just a culture of

pushing.

[poignant music playing]

Your pattern has been

to just push until you fall over.

I actually burned out.

[music fades]

[Gilbert] When we talked about burnout,

the lever, the switch for doing

for people with ASD across the board

is that it goes all the way to the end.

And so, you know how to push yourself

to the point

where you're falling onto the floor.

[pensive music playing]

[Holland]How do I know

When I'm finished?

'Cause when I'm finished

There's always more to do

More to do, more to do

More to do, more to, more

More

[Jenn] I feel crazy.

I feel crazy. I feel like I don't know

anything.

I feel scared,

and

I didn't know that

it was gonna be this hard

learning all of this about myself.

No time to wait

Or think

How do I know how?

[Jenn] There's a change

when you're actually able to acknowledge

and name experiences and feelings

that you've been having forever.

Just makes it a lot more real.

[Holland] Go

Go

[Gilbert] It's hard because

you are so tired, and that's

When we talk

about "all or nothing" thinking,

it's "all or nothing" doing.

[Holland] Go, go, go, go

[Gilbert] You also have

a tendency to do the extreme.

So it's almost like you run yourself

completely into the ground,

and your body's just like,

"Wait a second, we have to stop."

Keep going, go, go

Yeah. How is your hip?

[Jenn] It's been really bad.

I've been doing all the things

I'm supposed to do, and nothing's helping.

So it's starting to feel a little scary.

[Holland] Go

[Borowski] Does anything

make it feel better?

[Jenn] If I'm being honest,

I've had chronic pain

since I was a teenager.

[Holland] Shh

[Jenn] Right there.

[Holland] Do more, go

[Gilbert] And have you been to someone

that's looked at all your blood work

to look to see if there's

anything going on that's autoimmune?

And I know we talked about this,

but there's a higher correlation

of autoimmune and ASD.

[Holland] Go

My markers for lupus were

[Holland] Go

high.

[Holland] Go

[Borowski] You have a different scenario

than a lot of other dancers.

You have this underlying diagnosis,

autoimmune issue.

[Jenn] I know that stress

can kick off a reaction.

[Sonya] Don't worry about the money now.

-I don't wanna self-produce a show again.

-[Joseph] You're not going to.

[Jenn] Especially a show

that I'm performing in.

The biggest grant that we applied for,

we didn't get.

We were finalists, so we were close,

but it's always a big bummer

because it's kind of a start-over

with fundraising now.

[Gilbert] You have been taught

to endure pain.

You've been taught to endure discomfort.

What should I do?

[Jenn] So that's where

I just get overwhelmed.

[Holland] More

[Jenn] I just want to focus on one thing.

Everything besides my show,

like teaching and choreographing,

they're not just side jobs.

I put everything into them.

But it's just what it takes from me.

[Holland] No time to wait

No time to think

No time to feel

Should I do more?

I'll do more

I'll do more

Do more

[Gilbert] And that's a huge drain

to kind of go through that

and to reveal yourself.

And that's why, as you're saying,

"I've been through a lot,

and I just want to be still."

[breathing heavily]

[Jenn] I'm just trying to,

like, keep showing up every day.

-[Alex] Yeah.

-Whether I know what I'm doing or not.

[Holland] Go, go, go

What should I do more?

Should I do more?

Should I? Should I? Should I?

Should I?

[Ian] It's the cost of our living

that's burning you out?

[Jenn] Yeah, I just need the burden

of supporting our lifestyle to go away.

[Ian] We can also cancel your show

because the last thing you should

be doing the show for is for the other,

the outside world, Sonya or Alex or--

I'm not. I want to make this show.

But that's all I want to do.

I don't want to do anything else.

[Ian] Let's make that happen.

Should I do more?

I'll do more

[Sonya on screen]

You gotta lean on me, boo.

You're not putting anything on me.

You're my sister.

-[Jenn] How do you have capacity?

-[Sonya] You're-- I'm obsessed.

I'm obsessed with dance.

I'm obsessed with ideas.

I'm obsessed with

my soul sister feeling better.

-Fall, literally collapse on me. I got it.

-[laughs softly]

[Jenn] I'm only in this

for, like, the reason of sharing.

It's the little ripples, you know?

The most important thing is the people

who need to see this piece see the piece.

That's a lot of people.

[Alex] We'll find a way.

[Jenn] I know the show is happening.

Like, I see that.

Like, that I know in my soul.

I don't know where or when it's happening.

And I don't know how it's happening.

[Alex chuckles]

[poignant music playing]

[Jenn] So much of this career

is maybe not super healthy for me.

Yes, it's been all the great things,

but I would not recommend it for everyone.

It's just my special interest,

and what was helpful for me was dance.

[Ian] What are you scared about the most

when you think of packing up

and leaving the city?

Now that you know it's happening.

Just a lot of change all at once.

And I don't know

what the future looks like.

[Ian] We're selling our dream home

that we now no longer

can justifiably keep.

Can't afford it,

making the art that I wanna be making.

Yeah, I made the decision

to cancel everything this fall.

I don't know what's gonna happen.

I've never done this before.

I just turned down $50,000 worth of work.

[Ian] You said five, right? Not 50?

-Fifty thousand dollars' worth of work

-[Ian] Oh. [laughs]

Feels good. Oh, yeah.

-[laughs]

-[Ian exhales]

Okay, here we go. Cheers.

Cheers, I can't afford pants anymore.

[both laugh]

Yeah, I have no f*cking clue

what's next other than this show.

It feels like taking steps back

to take steps forward, for sure.

That's like us, babe.

-[Ian] The two street rats?

-[Jenn] Yeah, from Jersey.

-[Ian] Two street rats moving to Jersey.

-You're the fatter one.

-I'm the fat--?

-[both laugh]

[Jenn] Well, we won't be walking distance

from this view anymore.

[Ian] No, ma'am.

But I imagine

that even if we fail forward,

we'll be better off than staying here

watching the ducks swim by.

Also, straight line.

[Jenn] They're saying,

"Get your ducks in a row."

-[Gilbert] It's what balance feels like.

-[Jenn] Yeah.

Maybe in your work,

you're going to help

redefine that for the dance world.

[hopeful music playing]

[Gilbert] Pushing as

an athlete is important,

but the rest is important.

The nutrition is important, the balance.

Your mind, your health, your emotions,

all of that's a part of that.

And I would imagine that

when that's all in balance,

you're going to have

the most incredible performance.

[Jenn] Yeah, that's what

I'm wanting to find, what that looks like.

[woman] Thank you, Jennifer.

-Yeah, I like that, what that looks like.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, because you don't know it yet.

-Mm.

But you're finding it.

[Ian] The best type of art is the art

is the art you're not

totally aware you're making.

You're just ever present in it.

Like Jenn, I'm seeing the world now

through a new set of eyes myself,

and starting to understand what may have

connected me to Jenn in the first place,

and what connected her to me,

and why we so quickly just

I'm trying to grapple this grit factor

of growing up

a punk-a*s sad kid in the '90s

that drank way too much too young,

where you just shove your sh*t down

and be tough and get through.

I gotta let go of that old Ian completely,

and that's been pretty f*cking hard,

doing that in tandem with her

right now in this time.

[groans]

My head hurts so bad.

[Ian] Where are the keys?

[Jenn] Did I have the keys?

[Ian] Be right back.

[Alex] He seems stressed.

-He's going through it right now.

-[Alex] Okay.

[plastic wrap squeak-squealing]

[Jenn groans softly]

I'm having my last bath

in our New York City apartment,

but I think it's all good.

We're moving to Jersey for a little while.

For who knows how long, actually.

[serene music playing]

But first

[Holland] Take me home

Take me

[automated voice] Persistent deficits

in social communication

and social interaction

across multiple contexts.

Take me home

Home

[pensive percussive music playing]

[Gilbert] That was a really

beautiful place for you to grow up,1

a place where you felt

very secure and at home.

Being out in nature is very soothing.

-[Jenn yelps]

-[Ian yells]

-Jenn!

-[screams]

-Damn it!

-[Ian laughing]

[Gilbert] Less of an environment

that is pressing on you

to have a response

or to be sensory regulated.

[train horn blowing]

[Jenn] At the same time

that I'm having all of this clarity,

I also feel kind of adolescent in a way.

I really feel like I'm experiencing

everything for the first time again.

-I'm home

-[music fades]

And so I have this instant desire

to know where this came from.

[hopeful music playing]

It's just so confusing to me

because there's so much love there,

but no chance of successful communication.

That's what it feels like.

[laughs]

But I just had this deep feeling

that I had to leave.

[Gilbert] Yeah.

I felt nothing leaving home.

[thunder rumbling]

[automated voice] Deficits in non-verbal

communicative behaviors

used for social interaction.

[poignant music playing]

[Robbyn] There's a difference

between loving and needing.

You haven't ever really needed me.

Mom.

That's not true.

[Robbyn] Jennifer can you say,

"Happy Mother's Day"?

Mother's Day.

[Robbyn] Yeah.

[Jenn] I got called selfish a lot

when I was little.

[toddler Jenn] Let go!

[Robbyn] What are you trying

to push me away for?

[Jenn] More combative.

[poignant music continues]

Told that I don't care about my family.

So I started to believe that.

Once you get a diagnosis

and then you also have the information

that it's genetic or it runs in families,

you start to look at your family.

-You just threw a lot on my brain.

-[Jenn] Sorry.

[Robbyn] I can't control her.

The way I was raised,

when my mom said, "boo,"

you jumped.

That's never, ever happened for me.

[Jenn] It feels like

it really all stems from communication.

[Gilbert] Yes.

[Jenn] That's the way

I used to feel with my mom.

I can't communicate with this person.

It makes me feel insane.

When you say to me,

"Why do you need to know?"

And "What's the point

of getting a diagnosis?"

And "What changes things?"

And "Who cares?"

[Robbyn] I don't understand your world,

because you haven't shared it with me.

[Jenn] I haven't been able

to let you in my world

because there's been a huge missing piece.

[automated voice] Deficits in

social-emotional reciprocity.

[Alex] Why are you

going through all this stuff?

Just trying to find money for my show.

[Alex] Trying to sell those dolls?

[Jenn] I'm seeing

how much I could sell it for.

Each one of these

really does represent so much hard work.

Thank God I found dance

because I grew up in such a small town.

There wasn't a lot of opportunity,

and, like, people don't leave.

[Ian] As your mother said,

had you not had dance,

you would've gone bad.

-[Jenn laughs] Yeah.

-[Ian] Gone real bad.

[Ian] With Idaho, I see it.

There's this whole populace of people

that never had access

to mental health care.

Or it's not discussed.

[Jenn] Not a comfortable place to be

[toddler Jenn] I'm coming!

anything that is considered other.

[Ian] Jenn didn't fit into the equation

of what that town is.

[Jenn] It's a really small town.

The population when I was growing up there

was 700 or something like that.

-[Alex] What's the name of your town?

-[Jenn] Star.

Oh, my God. This is the birth book

that has two pages full or something.

"Notes on behavior."

"Eight months old. You wanted to play

with big kids, not the babies your age."

"At this age, you are very independent

and argumentative."

"Sometimes I wonder

if I will even make it through the day."

[all laughing]

[Jenn] "You are very intelligent."

"You spell your name, count."

"You have a vocabulary

that is amazing at times."

[Robbyn] "Screams a lot. Screams a lot."

Is that in there?

-[toddler Jenn] Let go!

-[Bryon] You got it. Take it off.

-[toddler Jenn] Let go! You don't

-[Bryon] You got it.

[toddler Jenn cries]

"Most important though,

we love you

more than we ever thought possible."

"You are a wonderful child,

and I couldn't trade you for anything."

"You are such a grown-up little girl."

"February 21, 1991."

[poignant music playing]

[automated voice] Deficits in

developing, maintaining

and understanding relationships.

[Jenn] Part of having autism,

they say, is genetic.

[laughing]

This is dysfunctional.

Obviously your siblings and your family

hold up a mirror to you.

-Fits right in then, right?

-[woman] We're family.

[Jenn] All of these real-life revelations

are happening simultaneously

with the creation of the show.

[Bryon] Hold your doll up

so everybody can see it.

[Jenn] And so discoveries

that are happening in my life

are ending up in front of me on stage

in this really beautiful and organic way.

[ethereal music playing]

I will follow you

[Florence] Bear? Where's the bear?

Where's the bear?

Where's the bear?

Where's the bear? Where's the bear?

Where's the bear? Where's the bear?

[man] I think you have it.

[Florence] Where's the bear?

Where's the bear? Where's the bear?

Where's the bear?

Where's the bear? Where's the bear?

-She's cute. She didn't see me.

-[man] She can crawl, remember?

In a perfect world,

I could pull, like, tons.

[Joseph] Yeah.

Like there's a mountain of them

at my feet when I'm done.

Yeah.

[Alex] Can you say a couple words

about this piece?

-What it means to you?

-Yeah.

[ethereal music playing]

[Bryon] There's Robbyn's mom's house.

[toddler Jenn] Hi, Grandma!

[Jenn] At my grandma's house,

I just have all these memories of play

and feeling really free.

[baby Jenn babbles]

Peek-a-boo!

[Jenn] She had this innate way of knowing

how to, like, let me do things

over and over and over and over again.

So I just always felt really free

because she would never stop me.

I'd play the same song a hundred times,

and she'd never say,

"Okay, it's time to turn it off."

The tissues are because

when I was little I couldn't skip.

Kim told me that's

a common trait of an autistic child

is they have a hard time skipping.

And so my grandma taught me how to skip

by giving me a box of tissues.

She'd say, "When you step,

you grab the tissue,

and then when you hop, you throw it."

So that's how I learned how to skip.

And I remember the whole living room

would just be, like, covered in tissues.

And she didn't make me clean them up

or feel bad about making a mess

or anything like that.

But that's how I learned how to skip.

So that's where

the tissue idea comes from.

[Gilbert] She taught you

how to move in a way that was rhythmic.

People with ASD

often have a motor disfluency.

So they don't always have

that rhythm to the way they move.

And that's why skipping was hard for you.

Your grandmother

really walked you through that

in a very visual way with tissues

and was able to show you through stepping

as you pulled the tissues

and hop as you tossed the tissue.

And once she did that, you had it.

And that's really how

you reach people with ASD,

is you follow their currency.

What a gift she gave you.

[poignant music playing]

[Robbyn] So Jennifer learned

to be independent at a very early age.

I didn't learn until my mom died.

[Jenn] You really relied on her.

[Robbyn] I did.

And I always wanted that for you.

I've never resented you.

I loved everything about you.

[music fades]

I just needed help sometimes.

[ethereal music resumes]

[Holland] Funny little bird

I'll watch you grow

[Gilbert] What a gift she gave you.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

[FaceTime dialing]

-[Alex] Hello?

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Cut to it.

Uh, the Perelman

is commissioning our show.

-What the f*ck?

-[Ian] What the f*ck?

[Jenn] We're going to be

part of the inaugural season.

[Jenn and Alex laughing]

Sonya got this email from Bill,

the artistic director, today.

He said, "Forgive the delayed response.

It's been a crazy stretch."

"We are definitely all in

on wanting to commission

and help make this happen."

"Meanwhile, Sonya, thank you for bringing

this beautiful project to us."

-This is not normal.

-[Alex laughs]

-This is like--

-That's what we should call the doc.

-"This is not Normal."

-[laughs] That's what you should call it.

-[Jenn laughs]

-[lilting music playing]

This is beyond,

like, truly beyond anything

that I could have dreamt, seriously.

-[Alex] It's amazing.

-[Jenn] Yeah.

I didn't know that something like this

was even possible.

This is crazy.

[Alex] Well, it only takes, you know,

traumatic things in your life to happen.

-You can't just open those doors.

-[laughing]

-[lilting music continues]

-[Ian] Okay, jump. Whoo-hoo!

[Jenn] You're just imagining

what it's gonna be like.

Taking it in.

So cool.

[music fades]

[Gilbert] I want you to know

that you always have me if you need me,

but that you have the ability

to say what you need in life.

And you needed me today,

and I'm so glad to give

this space to you to be able to talk.

So I feel so good that you asked,

and I'm glad you did.

Do you have questions for me?

[Alex] Yes, I do.

I'd be glad to talk it through with you

if you need ever it.

[Alex] I would. I think that would be,

I think, beneficial.

-I would appreciate that. Thank you.

-Okay. Yeah. Sure.

[Jenn] It's encouraging

because I know why I'm doing it.

-And I think you do too.

-[Alex] Yes.

-[Jenn] The why is there.

-[Alex] Yeah.

[Jenn] Parents that know that their child

is autistic or might be on the spectrum,

but they don't choose to identify it

-"Let's just wait and see if they pass."

-[Alex] Mm-hm.

And that's really sad

because that child knows

that they are not the same

as the other children.

And so you're basically, by ignoring it,

teaching them to ignore themselves.

-[Alex] Mm-hm.

-[Jenn] I'm not saying it's malicious.

-It's done with love.

-[Alex] They think it's the best interest.

But as someone

who got diagnosed fairly late in life,

I wish that I had known sooner.

Like I definitely wish I knew sooner.

-[Alex] Me too.

-Mm-hm. Yeah.

[Ian] Why don't you

take the camera from Alex?

-Okay.

-[Ian] Point it at him for a minute.

-[Alex] Okay.

-[Ian] That okay?

-[Alex] Yeah.

-[Jenn] Is it on?

-It's on. It says "recording," right?

-[Jenn] Yeah.

[children chattering]

[woman] Alex!

-[Jenn] There's a lot happening. [laughs]

-Yeah.

-[Jenn] Still happening currently.

-Yeah.

[Jenn] So, I'm just wondering

where you are on the rollercoaster.

[Alex] Say something.

-I don't have anything to say to you.

-[Alex laughs]

-[poignant music playing]

-[Jenn laughs]

I know. Wait, are you stressed?

No. I feel like there's a better way.

[Alex] Well, I feel lucky

that I found you.

[Jenn] Don't throw me yet.

-[Alex] When we did and how we did.

-Wow, pretty.

[Alex] Or rather we found each other.

For a reason that is turning into

something that is bigger than both of us.

[Jenn] I totally understand that.

[Alex] You've become

one of my closest friends.

[Jenn] Spot Alex. [laughs]

[Alex] But I realize that

we're much more alike than I thought.

You know I don't like this.

Because you're able to mask it so well

for everybody else.

[Ian] You're never too old

to feel special.

[Alex] But I feel like I got to see you,

like, really see you.

[poignant music continues]

I realized that you are a mirror.

[Jenn] Does anyone else

know you're autisticg

other than me and Dr. Gilbert?

No.

You've been hiding

parts of yourself that you don't prefer.

Yeah.

And now you're being asked

to expose the parts of yourself

you've been working

your entire life to hide.

It was a point where I--

It just basically broke.

Yeah, and a few years ago,

I just shut down.

I didn't know what to do.

That's when I was getting really bad.

It was affecting work

and family and friends.

I just-- I couldn't do anything.

And where do you feel

sadness in your body?

Oh, everywhere.

[Jenn] You lose your words a little.

-Yeah. I understand.

-Yeah.

I cannot even look people in the eye

at that point and communicate.

[Jenn] Why do you think we're like that?

There's some questions that

have to do with feelings and emotions.

-Mm-hm.

-And the first one is just happiness.

Like, what makes you happy?

-My family.

-[Gilbert] Yes.

[Alex] I'm very fortunate

when it comes to that.

Hey, Mom.

-Hi, sweetie.

-[Alex] How are you?

-Are you taking a video?

-[Alex] Yes.

-Oh, dear.

-[Alex] Say something sweet.

-I love you.

-[Alex] Thank you.

-And I'm thrilled for you.

-[Alex] Thank you, Mom.

-[poignant music playing]

-Ha!

-Oh!

-[Alex chuckles]

[Rory] Oh yeah, look at the Hammer boys.

I get a lot of inspiration from my brother

'cause I look up to him.

Because so much of me comes from him.

-[Gilbert] You're very close with him.

-[Alex] Very much so.

[young Alex] He's crazy. [laughs]

[Alex] And then there's Miguel.

God, I love that man.

I think about it often.

I think if I didn't have Miguel,

like if we never met,

I don't know where I would be.

So, I do see that diagnosis for you,

and you meet the criteria for it.

What do you think about that?

It's honestly not what I expected to hear.

What are you feeling right now?

I just didn't expect it.

I think that's a common thing people say,

"You don't look autistic."

"You don't appear that way."

Or "Why is it important?"

Because I know there are people

that are further along on the spectrum,

this goes on in my mind,

that need it more than I do.

Me getting a diagnosis, specifically,

makes me feel like

I'm taking it away from somebody else.

-I don't know why.

-[Jenn] Yeah.

[Alex] You're an adult,

you've already made it past

the finish line of where it's the hardest.

-[Jenn] Common mentality.

-Exactly.

[Jenn] After all this time

of proving that you're capable,

why would you want a label,

like a terrible label, like autism?

Why wouldn't you choose to continue

passing as a neurotypical person?

Why in the world

would you out yourself like that?

-That's what they're really saying.

-[Alex] Yeah, I'm tired of pretending.

-That's what needs to change.

-[Alex] Yeah.

-[crowd chanting] Byonce!

-[Byonce] You ready?

-[hip-hop music playing]

-[crowd cheering]

[voices] Nine.

Bang, bang.

Eight. Seven.

[crowd cheering]

Six, five, four,

three, two, one.

[Alex] I was iffy on that one.

I didn't know if it was too weird.

[Byonce] No, that's what

I think it needs to be more of.

-It's so cool.

-[crowd screaming]

[Alex] Well, you know I'm a film editor.

[Jenn] What's that like?

[Alex] It's like trying to solve a puzzle

with infinite possible combinations

while simultaneously

designing the puzzle at the same time.

[dramatic music playing]

I love this because I've since learned

that my particular brain is just wired

to process, see,

and create things differently.

[Jenn] Yes.

[Alex] Any success came

from being completely obsessed with it,

but also blindly ignorant to my limits.

-[Jenn] Totally.

-[Madonna] Hey!

[crowd cheering]

[Madonna] Light it up, baby! Go, Hammer!

[crowd cheering]

[Alex] Like you, once I had to start

surviving on it as a career,

I felt as an artist

that I lost my purpose.

[dramatic music playing]

I failed at understanding

the complexities, politics,

and my loss of trust in so many people.

It's something-- It's a outcome

that I'm not happy I have.

-I don't know what I'm saying.

-No, you're explaining.

I have an unrelenting trust in people,

to a fault.

I see what they do on the surface

as what they mean.

And that puts you in that space

of being taken advantage of.

That's where I always struggle.

You know, just like you,

I could push through anything,

but just like you,

I would burn hot and then burn out.

I didn't know what autistic burnout was,

so I had no tools to fight it.

[Jenn] Yeah.

[Alex] And neither

did my best friend, Ray.

All right!

I hate being in front of the camera,

but I'll do this for you guys. Love you.

We were so alike.

-We're so, so, so alike.

-[Gilbert] Yeah.

[Alex] I knew his personality.

I knew his fears and anger,

and also what he presented to the world,

which was very different.

[poignant music playing]

Except for Ray,

I never really talked to anybody

about anything before.

[laughing]

[Alex] He was very outgoing.

-But it was to compensate.

-Okay.

[Alex] Like with Jenn,

I saw a side of Ray

that few others really got to see.

And I saw myself.

He was a light.

He was a light in my life.

Several years ago, um

he took his own life

by jumping out of a building window.

And I can't help but think

that if we both knew then what I know now,

maybe he could have shifted

to a better path with the right tools.

[poignant music continues]

Let's talk about happy things.

What'd you think of the film?

Because I'm thinking

about changing the whole thing. [laughs]

What are you thinking?

Like, I've just been feeling you so much.

The experiences you're having in real life

are gonna change your perspective.

As much as you're telling my story,

like, your experience

and your point of view

is such a big part of what you're making.

You need to be in there too.

You're not the one

that usually is doing the sharing.

You're showing, you know,

what someone else has decided to share.

So, it's a different light for you.

-[Alex] It's just scary.

-Yeah.

[Alex] Because originally

I wasn't part of it at all,

but that's the only story we have.

I'd never talk about anything

with anybody ever, honestly.

That's just something

I'd never had before, even with Miguel.

Because I've always kind of put that

[Gilbert] What are you fearful of?

It's the shame of it, you know?

I don't know why.

It's really hard to get past that part

because I never fully fit in anywhere.

So I sought approval wherever I could,

which made me easy to manipulate

into things like, um

sexual-- child sex abuse. Um

[Gilbert] Oh, wow.

[Alex] I've never really

said that out loud before.

[Gilbert] How old were you

when this started?

[Alex] Maybe, um, five or six, I think.

Wow. You were so young.

-[Alex] Yeah.

-[Rory] Alex.

[Gilbert] The tough part, too,

about abuse is it's so secretive.

[poignant music playing]

Unfortunately, that person taught you

to cover up and to be quiet,

to not be you.

It's more highly correlated

than the neurotypical population.

I was scared of being perceived as g*y.

-[Gilbert] Okay.

-Um

That was my biggest fear,

and I think that's why I kept quiet.

I just didn't understand it.

But the world was telling me

that g*y was bad.

But you feared, when you were little,

what would happen?

That I would be unlovable, and let go.

Mm.

[Alex] I now know that

that was never even a possibility.

That takes so much energy, Alex,

to hold that for that long.

[Alex] Learning how

to talk about things with you

has made it a lot easier

to connect with Miguel.

I never thought I'd be able to talk to him

like this without any fear.

I've-- I had missed that since Ray.

But now Jenn

has also come into that role for me.

Because we can process things together

instead of alone.

[Jenn] I just hide away when it gets bad.

[Alex] You and me are so similar

in so many ways.

-[laughs] It's ridiculous.

-I know.

-She wants to be completely sober.

-[Alex] She does, yeah.

-Wanting it for so long.

-[Alex] Yeah.

Like nothing, nothing

I'm trying to just show up and be brave

with everything and share everything.

That's really important to me.

But this is like something

that I have so much shame about.

-And so then I just feel like it's all

-[Alex] Yeah.

I'm like a I'm just like a lie.

Depression and anxiety

also can be comorbid with ASD.

Often people also will go

to alcohol to soothe

because it can open up doors to make it

a lot easier in those situations.

She was crying, she said,

"I'm worried that if I stay with you,

I can't become sober,

and I don't ever want to be without you."

And I think that was the part

where I was like.

[Alex] "g*dd*mn."

"g*dd*mn it."

[Alex] Just know that

I love you guys unconditionally.

And, like, I might be one

of the better ones to kind of understand.

I'm like a couple of steps ahead of you.

-That's it. Not that far.

-Yeah.

-[Alex] Just like you were with autism.

-Yeah.

-[Alex] Just know I'm here to support.

-Thank you.

The more that you talk,

the more that you let people see you

and love you will give you

more of that core belief that you matter.

Your weight in the world is important.

Yeah.

[laughing and chattering]

[all] Happy birthday

[Alex] These are the reasons

why I've been working so hard

to understand my brain

long before getting this diagnosis.

Because I'm terrified.

I don't want to get to the point

where I feel like there's no other option,

but to turn everything off.

[music fades]

[Jenn] Ian.

-Ian.

-[Ian] What?

-[Jenn] I can't see you.

-[Ian] Huh?

[Jenn] I can't see you.

No, no, no. Let me see you.

So I know where you are.

[Jenn laughing]

[ethereal music playing]

[Alex] So where are we?

-[Jenn] Jacob's Pillow.

-[Alex chuckles]

In the most beautiful studio in America.

[Alex] Tell me where we are.

[Alex] We are here

at the Church at Sag Harbor.

I mean, this space is magical.

All of these organizations

donated not only space to us,

but most importantly, time.

Creating a show like this

can take years and so many resources.

[Sonya] In our art form

and in many places,

there's a recipe

that has been the same for a long time

that is not working anymore.

And if we could soften that,

and explore that together,

and not consider these situations

as flaws or a hindrance

And maybe things

take a little bit more time,

but what would happen if you gave time

for a beautiful brain

to encompass an idea?

What would it be like?

That's what I want.

[Jenn] For autistic people,

one of the most common stims

is just free improv dancing.

I would like

to keep some of this improvised.

[Sonya] I think it's important

to be able to walk in and go,

"What do you need?" Not, "What's wrong?"

Jenn's not trying to, in Jenn's case,

cure it or fix her.

It's awareness.

[Jenn] Being really clear

that this is my story only,

and I have no interest in making

any type of overarching or grand statement

about autism in general

or anyone else's experience.

And that's really important

because autism is a spectrum

and people have

many different types of support needs.

The arrival of that,

I think it would help

with the forearm more to really

feel the stops, yeah.

[Jenn] So, the realization

that my brain will never be changed,

that was, like, the most freeing thing.

[crew laughing]

Are there any questions

right now before we begin? Anything?

Yeah, it's gonna be fun.

-[crew cheers]

-[Sonya] Yeah.

[ethereal music playing]

Ooh

[percussive dance music playing]

[Jenn] We're trying out using language

from the actual diagnostic criteria.

And I think it's really interesting

seeing that rigid language

juxtaposed with a human experience.

Like, when you read

the DSM criteria for autism,

it's so rigid.

The first word of every trait, it's like,

"failure, abnormal, inability, deficit."

Then hearing the way

my therapist describes these traits,

she describes them

in the most beautiful, positive way.

So seeing that language

up against each other

and then also seeing, like,

video of a child,

it, like, doesn't match up.

[Sonya] Yeah.

[ethereal music playing]

Sometimes there's just stuff.

[Jenn] Yeah, I mean, same.

What

What did you do

When you grew out of the red dress

I never asked you

I never asked you

-Got it!

-[Jenn] Yay.

-Great!

-That's what this time's for.

[ethereal music continues]

[Alex] Tell me where we are.

[crew laughing]

-I can't hear you. Speak up.

-[Joseph] La Jolla.

-[Alex] La Jolla? [laughs]

-La Jolla? Is that you? Oh, hi. [laughs]

Yes, we'd love to.

We'd love to come

spend three months there.

Thank you so much, bye.

We are at the infamous La Jolla Playhouse

in our rehearsal room

in La Jolla, California.

[Jenn and Alex laugh]

[Alex] First day.

First day!

[tuning drum]

[Sonya] We see this memory here

and the tractor and the doll

are important to see.

Our show has also been commissioned

by La Jolla Playhouse.

We're the first dance piece ever, I think,

to be a part of the main season,

and it's just a total dream

to be able to come here,

to have a creative process,

to be able to play

and fail and learn and grow.

-Okay, everybody. Yay!

-[woman] Have a great show!

-[Jenn] Oh

-[Sonya] Ah!

[Jenn] You just feel

so held and supported.

[drums playing jazzy rhythm]

[Holland scatting]

[crew laughing]

[Jenn and Sonya whoop]

[woman] Yay!

[Jenn] Having this opportunity

to dream big is incredible.

[Sonya] That was amazing.

[Ian] Whoa!

[Ian chuckles]

[gasps]

[Ian] Hold it up.

-[hopeful music playing]

-[Ian] Whoa!

They even spelled your name right.

[Jenn on recording] Is it Thursday yet?

Is it Thursday yet?

Is it Thursday yet?

Is it Thursday yet? Is it Thursday yet?

When am I gonna be dancing again?

[Sonya] When Jenn was little,

dance was on Thursday.

Even when it was Monday,

she asked, "Is it Thursday yet?

-[Jenn] What?

-Over and over.

I was really saying, "I need it to be

Thursday, and I need dance every day,"

but I didn't even know

how to express that at that time.

When am I gonna be dancing again?

[Sonya] There was

this anticipation for Thursday

because it brought a peace and a release.

It brought her a profound sense of order.

[Jenn] Is it Thursday yet?

And so I just find that so beautiful.

[Jenn] Is it Thursday yet?

Is it Thursday yet? Is it Thursday yet?

[drums playing lively rhythm]

[Alex] What's happening today?

[Jenn] It's our opening night

at La Jolla Playhouse

and first time with an audience.

[Holland vocalizes]

[Alex] What are you thinking now?

I'm just so proud of us

that I can't believe

three years have gone by.

-[Alex] Yeah.

-[Sonya] You know what I mean?

[Holland vocalizes]

[Jenn] I think I'll feel more emotional

after the show when I finally get to see

all the people that I love.

[Holland vocalizes]

[music stops]

I also don't know

how many people will be here.

[Holland] Twenty, nineteen, eighteen,

seventeen, sixteen, fifteen, fourteen,

thirteen, twelve, eleven,

ten, nine, eight, seven, six

This is so crazy. What are we doing?

three, two, one.

["Transform Forever"

by Holland Andrews playing]

[Jenn] As a newly

diagnosed autistic person,

I'm rediscovering myself

and who I am as an artist

in real time

as the show is coming together.

I am beyond grateful that there are places

like the PAC and La Jolla Playhouse.

It says so much

about the risks they're willing to take

because so much art begins

in ways that are unusual

or unquantifiable.

It just feels so big.

[Alex] I'm so, so proud of you.

Thank you. I love you.

[Alex] I love you too.

["Transform Forever" continues]

[automated voice] Good morning, Jenn.

Let's begin.

-[upbeat music playing]

-[Jenn] Let's go!

[Holland] What did you do?

Where did feeling go?

[Holland vocalizing]

[Jenn] Perfect!

[Alex] See everybody

when you said "Get up"?

-They were dancing.

-[Alex] Yeah, dancing.

[vocalizing]

[audience cheering and applauding]

Good job. [cries]

I'm proud of you, hon.

I love you so much.

I'm so, so lucky.

My cup runneth over with gratitude

that you're in my life.

Oh, my God.

The three of us

are like that Spider-Man meme.

You're autistic.

Wait, you're autistic. Wait.

[all laughing]

-Yo!

-I know.

[Jenn laughing]

Oh, f*ck!

All right.

-Alex, we must go. We must pick the look.

-[Jenn and Alex laugh]

-I'll be back to confirm.

-[Jenn] You're getting kicked out.

-[Jenn laughs]

-Uh, just yell, I'll be right there.

-[Jenn] Great.

-[Sonya] Love you, babe.

-[Alex] The last time you have to see me.

-Yeah, right.

[Alex laughs]

-Bye. It's been real.

-[Alex] Bye. It's been great. Lots of fun.

When you contacted me about this project,

you didn't know

that it was gonna turn into

a piece centered around autism.

No.

[pensive music playing]

[Jenn] Would you want to have

an autistic kid again?

Yeah.

-[Jenn] You would?

-I would have you again.

-You would have me again?

-[Robbyn] Yeah.

And it would be nice to have you

with a little more understanding,

but even without the understanding,

I would do it all over again.

[Jenn laughs]

Hello, love.

-[Alex] Hi, Mom.

-Give me a kiss.

["Don't Miss It" by Virginia Marcs

& Alexander Hammer playing]

[Alex] I do have to say

that since losing Ray,

besides Miguel,

having you guys

to talk to about this type of stuff

has been something

that's been very, like, special to me.

Yeah.

[Alex] 'Cause I don't have that

with anybody else.

[Jenn] Even if this all ended today,

like there was no support for the doc,

it didn't move on, I feel like it still

[Ian] Did its job.

-It saved Jenn's life and your life.

-[Jenn] Yeah.

[Alex] That does sound a bit dramatic,

but it is true for me.

-[Rory] To love and life.

-[all] To love and life.

-[Jenn] There's no going back.

-[Alex] No.

[Jenn] There was before the diagnosis,

and there was after.

-There's BD and AD. [laughs]

-Yes, totally. [laughs]

It's not even like a next chapter.

-It's like a whole new book.

-[Alex] Yeah.

'Cause it keeps on going

[Jenn] More people are

just piecing their stories together

and sharing information

and having access to information

and seeing themselves

in other people's experience,

not opening a textbook.

Yeah.

I've been doing some research

about movement as therapy

for people with ASD,

and I'm really excited

for how it's gonna change my teaching.

Yeah, I have a feeling it will.

If you share that with people,

it's helping them to also understand

that they can move it to their art

or their work to help balance themselves.

[Jenn] I feel like

there are many examples

of people who have existed safely

inside the dance community,

who otherwise might not have had

such vibrant, peaceful lives.

I see it in students,

and it's mostly the students

that I, like, connect really deeply with.

That's an incredible story.

The ones who maybe need it

more than they understand.

[Gilbert] It's my pleasure to be

of support and help to you.

[Alex] You've been so kind,

so supportive, and so wonderful

that I can't express how much

how special it really has been

to just-- to me, to Jenn.

I don't know how else to thank you.

Oh, Alex.

But I would like

to see you as a patient. [laughs]

I'd like to give you some money.

Well, Alex, you know, sometimes in life,

money is not the thing.

And as it keeps going

If there's no need

For the perfect image

Don't miss it

Like I did

Like I did

Like I did

[Jenn] It feels like a gift.

Ooh

The diagnosis feels like a a gift.

Ooh

-[laughing]

-It's like [laughing]

Exactly.

Ooh

[song fades]

[ethereal music playing]

[music turns dramatic]

[music fades]

[poignant music playing]

[music fades]