02x04 - Dear Alden

[bunniefuu]

[THEME - SAILOR MOON, "BRACEFACE"]

Something tells me I've been dreaming

of someone who was never real.

It seems I've changed a thousand ways.

I wish I looked the way I feel.

Braceface.

My life is complicated.

Boyfriends.

Don't want to talk about it.

Teenage.

I'll work it out in the end.

Braceface.

My life gets complicated.

Boyfriends.

Don't want to talk about it.

Teenage.

I'll work it out in the end.

Braceface.

SHARON (VOICEOVER): Going out with Alden

definitely had its advantages.

BROCK: Do you guys mind?

SHARON (VOICEOVER): And its disadvantages.

BROCK: I thought we had a Mangled Metal practice.

SHARON: Isn't that in an hour?

Not according to this rock star.

Sounding good, man.

You really think so?

I guess I better go.

OK, have a great weekend with your dad.

SHARON: And you have fun at the football game,

get lots of good shots.

Smile.

Hey, kiddies, it's time to pick up the pace here.

SHARON (VOICEOVER): Was it me, or did

it feel like Brock couldn't handle

Alden having a girlfriend?

Every time she comes over it's the same thing.

You both pretend to watch a video.

Then you do the kissy-face thing.

You guys are getting like an old married couple.

ALDEN: You're just jealous because you're

not getting any action.

Me, jealous?

I don't think so.

I'm a free man, and high school's

my big beautiful playground.

So play.

Come on, buddy.

Don't tell me you haven't noticed

all the other great chicks out there.

Leave me alone.

How about those cheerleader girls?

They've been sending major hints our way.

I would never want to hurt Sharon's feelings, OK.

She's a totally great person, and anyway,

it's not like we couldn't hang with other people

if we wanted to.

This isn't some big exclusive arrangement.

Who are you kidding?

I'm serious.

MARIA: I missed you this weekend.

SHARON: Whoa.

Ooh, the football game was awesome, and, um--

The game was awesome, and what?

[laughter]

All right.

What are Brock and Alden doing with them?

Who?

SHARON: Those cheerleaders.

Oh, they're not really with them, are they?

You tell me.

Did they maybe sort of meet at that awesome game

you don't want to talk about?

Your hair is totally crying out for highlights, Alden.

Hey, Tess, what about me?

Could I use some?

Why don't we have a highlight party at my house tonight?

SHARON: Ahem.

BROCK: Uh, hi, Sharon.

You know Tess and Liane.

They were at Kimberly Junior High.

Hi.

We were just talking.

So what did you end up doing with your dad Saturday night?

Oh, it was wild.

We went to see some experimental theater.

And this actress could imitate all

these electronic sounds, everything from a dishwasher

to a popcorn maker.

Huh?

You must've done something really bad

to make your dad t*rture you like that.

She was very talented.

You're not getting it.

The whole piece was a comment on how machines are taking

over and wrecking our society.

Really?

A popcorn maker never hurt me.

Sounds cool, a little flaky, but, hey.

Whatever turns you on, right?

Like a highlighting party?

I'll catch up with you later.

[giggling]

Whatever you're thinking, don't think it.

They are, oh, so lame compared to you, and Alden knows it.

Maria, it's OK.

If Alden wants to expand his social circle,

I'm fine with that.

SHARON (VOICEOVER): The last thing

I wanted to be was some jealous, paranoid girlfriend.

So what if I couldn't do an aerial cartwheel?

I could do 100 other things.

Whoa!

Except walk.

Repeat your theory, please.

Why is Alden giving those girls the time of day?

Oh, because A, Brock's desperate for female attention,

and this is his only shot.

So B, Alden's helping him out.

[trumpet playing]

Josh, we're trying to do homework!

That's a funny-sounding piano.

Just ignore it.

So maybe I should call, right?

Just to let him know he doesn't owe Brock anything.

I don't know, Sharon.

If you make a big deal out of this,

then maybe he'll feel like you're not

giving him any breathing room.

What are you talking about?

I'm the queen of breathing room.

So call him.

See, I told you Sharon was cool with Tess and Liane today.

You got our setup all wrong.

BROCK (ON PHONE): Hey, a man can be wrong about these things.

If you can have your cake and eat it too, I say go for it.

He's not home?

He said he was doing homework tonight.

Why isn't he picking up?

He's got caller ID.

ALDEN (VOICE RECORDING): Hi, it's me.

And if you don't know who me is, you shouldn't be calling.

MARIA: Maybe he was on the phone,

and he just didn't pick up his call waiting.

SHARON: So who's he on with that's so important he

doesn't interrupt them?

I don't know.

I'm going over to his house.

MARIA: But, Sharon, we're doing homework.

Hey, what happened to the queen of breathing room?

JOSH: Can I play you a little something?

Oh, why not?

SHARON (VOICEOVER): OK, so suddenly, I

felt the need to remind Alden of all my unique non-airhead

qualities.

It couldn't hurt, right?

Hey.

I just thought you might need some help

with that math assignment.

I'm totally acing it this term.

Um, no thanks.

I was just going to have a snack.

Why don't I keep you company?

I know you know I do a volunteer shift every week at the vets.

But are you aware of the recycling program

I'm helping launch at school?

Huh?

SHARON (VOICEOVER): Was Alden even

the teeniest bit impressed with how well-rounded I was?

Listen, Sharon, I think I'm going

to finish developing some of those pictures

I took from the game, OK?

Sure.

SHARON (VOICEOVER): Apparently, not.

Did you talk to him about Brock?

We didn't get to that.

I was too busy trying to remind him of all my top virtues.

Do I have weird bumpy patterns in my foundation?

Liane said it looked like I was wearing Braille on my face.

Does it say help I'm made of plastic?

I did the sample test on my jawline,

and this is a velvet finish.

What do you think?

Oh, oh, beautiful.

Tess, would you say that maybe you're a complete stereotype?

I like stereos.

Who doesn't?

There you go.

Do you have any other interests besides cheering, that is?

Um, no.

At least I wore the right bra today.

Don't forget, girls, pure silk.

It gives you just the right bounce.

At least that's what Alden told me at the game.

SHARON: He did not!

Sharon, stop.

Don't play her game.

Can't you see she's trying to make you crazy?

But she is making me crazy!

You just have to up the ante now.

How?

Don't let her see Alden without you.

But that's impossible.

He's got a Mangled Metal practice after school,

and I'm working at the vets.

I'm just telling you what I think we're dealing with here.

[music playing]

Where's Alden?

He had to go work at his parents' restaurant.

Cook got sick.

SHARON (VOICEOVER): What was I supposed to do, stop my life,

give up my volunteer work?

No, I was in a committed relationship,

one that was based on mutual respect and trust.

I just had to have a little faith in Alden.

[music playing]

Hello, anyone here?

TESS: Wow, so you can read music?

You're too much.

I wish I had my camera.

SHARON: There's no one out front.

ALDEN: Hey.

SHARON: Don't you think the music's a little loud?

I could hear it from outside.

I like it loud.

Your new sound is amazing.

Um, Tess dropped by just as this huge bus tour came in.

She's been keeping me company while I clean up.

Oh, is there something I can do?

I think we got it all done.

Alden, how long will you be?

I think I'm just going to do my homework in the backroom

and catch a ride with my mom when she closes up.

Oh, we can catch the bus together if you want.

I don't know.

Maybe I'll just do homework with Alden.

I'm sure he can help me with math.

I'm horrible.

Sure, good idea.

ALDEN: You can hang out if you want.

I don't think so.

Take a close look.

This is a picture of a major guy-stealer.

Can you believe this even got posted on the school website?

I'm sure he can help me in math.

I'm horrible.

What could Alden possibly see in her?

I don't know.

Why don't you ask him?

I just came in here to borrow a CD.

You know what?

That's a good idea.

Dear Alden, how could you possibly hang

out with Tess what's-her-name?

Can't you see she's a total airhead,

whose biggest issue in life is what

size-enhancing bra to wear?

Does she even have one interesting thing to say?

It's obvious that Brock Mr. How-Desperate-Am-I

will take anything he can get.

But does he really think those pom-pom heads

would even look twice at him if you weren't his friend?

[meows]

Oh, OK, Lawrence, I feel a little better.

Oh no, what's happening?

Where did it go?

I wasn't really going to send that thing.

[music playing]

MARIA: Give me the worst-case scenario.

Do you think it was the whole letter or just

excerpts that got on the site?

What does it matter?

It was all bad.

OK, OK, calm down.

Let's not overreact.

I mean, who actually surfs Elkford High's website?

Except for you, of course.

And I had a specific reason.

Exactly.

Probably no one.

MARIA: There you go.

Everything's going to be fine.

[sighs]

[school bell ringing]

[laughter]

"Surrender, Spitz.

You're out of your league."

CONNOR: What's going on?

I came in early and saw this.

MARIA: Oh, you don't want to know.

Hey, I could use some of that.

Ow!

What was that?

More tissue?

TESS: Just in case you don't have enough, Spitz.

It's for your mammary envy.

[giggling]

Maybe you should get a little brain envy!

It could come in handy in the future.

I think I might have to be sick today.

Wait, I bet nobody else read that thing.

What thing?

Will someone please tell me what's going on?

Let's go to the library computer,

so we can at least try to get the letter off the site.

A letter?

You're not being helpful!

OK, OK.

[giggling]

GIRL: (SARCASTICALLY) Hello, Mr. Desperate.

She can't just write a letter like that and get away with it.

She called me desperate, and she made you sound like an idiot.

She's bringing us both down.

I wasn't doing anything with Tess.

Could I help it if she wanted to drop by the restaurant

last night?

So what if she did?

You're the one who said you weren't exclusive with Sharon,

right?

Uh, right.

The thing is, it's not like I want to be exclusive with Tess

either.

I get it, man.

You want to be a free agent, nothing wrong with that.

Hey, did you see what Tess did to Sharon's locker?

Now that's way too radical for me.

MARIA: Oh, how can the library be closed?

This is an emergency.

Hi.

Uh, hi.

How could you say hi to her like nothing's happened?

Guess you saw the website too, huh?

Yeah, sort of.

SHARON: I'm really, really sorry.

The whole thing was this weird accident.

It was a pretend letter, like something

you'd write in your diary.

I never meant to send it anywhere.

Why did you even write all that stuff in the first place?

SHARON: Uh.

Look, you obviously have a pretty low opinion of me

and Brock, fine.

But to trash Tess and Liane like that.

You don't even know them.

Alden, can I talk with you alone?

How's that going to fix anything, Sharon?

The damage has been done.

Why don't you stay out of it?

I got to get to class.

[music playing]

Go ahead.

It'd be the perfect ending to my miserable day.

ADAM: It's no fun if you want me to do it, Sharon.

I heard about that letter thing, that sucks.

You really like to go all out, huh, Sharon?

Alden hates me now, and so does Brock.

Forget what the rest of the school thinks of me.

Everybody makes mistakes.

I mean, that was a pretty big one.

But, hey, you'll survive.

No, I won't.

And it was an accident.

Now that was fun.

Adam!

[trumpet playing]

I'm doing something important.

Go back to piano, please.

Are you asking me to just give up?

Yes!

Actually, no.

[trumpet playing]

[laughter]

CONNOR: And this was posted on the school's site last night?

Whoever wrote this must want some serious revenge.

Listen.

"Sharon Spitz is so superficial.

She judges a lot of people by appearances as if she

thinks she's better than them.

Truth is, she's probably one of the most

insecure people around."

"She can't even trust her boyfriend.

She's so paranoid.

She's lucky to even have a boyfriend."

Do you think Tess or Liane wrote it?

Who knows?

Oh, check the spelling.

If it's bad, that'll be the first clue.

SHARON: I don't think it was them.

But whoever wrote it makes a few good points, don't you think?

You wouldn't write this about yourself, would you?

Maybe.

Do you think it was a bad idea?

Try brave.

Or stupid.

Either way, Alden has to forgive you now.

I hope so.

ALDEN: I guess I just saw a side of you I never knew.

So what does that mean?

I don't know, Sharon.

Does everything have to be a heavy serious discussion?

No, but--

So I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I'm a little messed up right now, OK?

Sure, no problem.

It's just--

ALDEN: Oh, Sharon, I just need a breather.

I thought what you and I had--

well, I thought it could handle some stuff, but it couldn't.

Are you breaking up with me?

You are.

So does this mean you're going out with Tess now?

She's just a friend, OK?

This has nothing to do with her.

I mean it.

I just want to be on my own for a while.

Keep it simple.

SHARON (VOICEOVER): It wasn't as if I couldn't see this coming.

But still, getting dumped felt lousy.

[sad music]

Everything we need for a break-up recovery session.

I know how much you love the smell of clean laundry.

Or did.

But, hey, do we really have to drown

your sorrows in deranged awful Mangled Metal music?

It's really awful, isn't it?

I don't know what they're doing with that band.

I mean, Alden and I used to have the same taste in music,

but now he's gone off the edge.

Maybe he's just going through some weird hormonal stage,

and it's affecting his brain.

You think there's a chance he could

change his mind about all this?

I don't know, probably not.

Maria!

I'm your best friend.

I got to call it like I see it.

Do you want some?

Despair can't live on clean laundry alone.

OK, so now is the part where you

have to list all the reasons why I'm better off without him.

Don't you watch those self-help talk shows?

Now is the part where you list those reasons.

I'm just here for the snacks.

Very funny.

MARIA: I aim to make you laugh.

OK, well, he was into photography,

and I found it kind of boring.

And he never really got into my animal stuff.

Oh, sorry, I can't help myself.

He's also way into sports, which is cool, but not your thing.

Yeah, and I think he thought the theater stuff I

went to with my dad was weird.

And let's not forget he was into airheads.

Right, even if he pretended he wasn't, he was.

And I could never act like them even if I tried.

Exactly.

What else is there left to say?

Well, he is a good kisser.

Go!

Forget that part.

[trumpet playing]

Wow, Josh did it.

Maybe it's just time for a change for both of us.

MARIA: There you go.

Mission accomplished.

Maybe instead of writing all my thoughts

and opinions on the computer, I should

stick to old-fashioned print.

Oh, Sharon, maybe your writing career needs to go on hold.

You can't see me doing a column for the school paper?

MARIA: No, spare me, please.

Why not?

OK, OK, OK, OK, as long as in the thoughts and opinion parts,

you never mention me or anyone we know.

For how long?

MARIA: Forever.

[laughter]

[theme music]