02x09 - The Coolest

[bunniefuu]

[MUSIC - SAILOR MOON, "BRACEFACE THEME SONG"]

SAILOR MOON: (SINGING) Something tells me I've been dreaming

of someone who was never real.

It seems I've changed 1,000 ways.

I wish I looked the way I feel.

Braceface.

My life gets complicated.

Boyfriends.

Don't want to talk about it.

Teenage.

I'll work it out in the end.

Braceface.

My life gets complicated.

Boyfriends.

Don't want to talk about it.

Teenage.

I'll work it out in the end.

Braceface.

Hello.

Is this Sharon Spitz?

Yeah.

Who's this?

Steve Brady here.

Producer at TV Three calling to let you

know, you've been randomly chosen

as one of three lucky finalists in TV Three's Coolest

Teen in Elkford contest.

Huh?

You did fill out an entry form, right?

Oh, I'm going to fill out 12 of them.

SHARON: Maria!

MARIA: That's mine!

Move out of the way!

I can't believe this!

I Won!

Well--

Maria is going to be so jealous.

No--

When do I get to go on my shopping spree?

Actually--

I could come after school today or whenever you--

Hang on.

Wait a second.

You haven't actually won.

What do you mean?

You said I'd been chosen.

I said you'd been chosen as a finalist

along with two other teens.

Oh.

STEVE BRADY: So the three of you now

get the chance to prove just how cool you all really are.

Me an TV Three's videographer, Brian The Man,

will follow you around school tomorrow--

your basic reality TV deal.

We broadcast the show, and then let our live studio

audience pick the winner.

Exciting or what?

Definitely.

This sucks.

I know my wild-horse parting mane isn't perfect yet,

but, hey, give a pony a break.

I'm not talking about your Tai Chi.

I'm talking about the contest.

Oh.

Are you guys still going on about that?

Yes, because Sharon's paranoid.

Listen, this contest is in the bag.

Newsflash.

I'm not actually cool.

All you have to do is think of cool

in the same way TV Three would.

That's my problem.

Here's me, and way over there is their idea of cool.

I mean, I don't even have the latest clothes.

Totally irrelevant.

Cool is an attitude.

It's being confident, independent, not

afraid of authority.

Basically my total opposite.

So be yourself.

Conner, she'll never win then.

I'll leave you guys to work this out.

I mean.

Never mind, I know what you mean.

OK, then let's make you so cool you have to win.

Yeah.

And as your coach in this endeavor,

I think it's only fair if we split the shopping spree 50-50.

How about 70% for me and 30% for you?

Deal.

See.

You're already getting some attitude.

Conner, are you in on this?

Not out of my 30%.

I'll pass, thanks.

Good luck.

Just remember though, disguises always

have a way of coming off.

Sharon, pay no attention to him.

STEVE BRADY: Well, hello.

I think we've found our girl.

Hi.

I'm Steve, and this is Brian.

Greetings.

Are you ready for your big day?

She sure is.

These are my friends--

Maria and Conner.

Great.

Listen, we've gotten the OK from your principal to sh**t here.

So if I could just get your autograph

on these release forms, we'll be ready to rock and roll.

Rock and roll?

Are these guys for real?

[school bell rings]

And we're recording.

STEVE BRADY: Fabulous.

So where should we start?

Uh, history class, which will be starting any second now.

Just relax and you'll be fine.

Hey, there's only one coolness coach here, and that's me.

Now, think c*ck.

Aren't you worried about being late?

I'm never late.

It's the bell that hasn't figured out my schedule.

So, Sharon, are you the kind of kid

who sits up front answering all the teachers questions

or the class clown?

What do you think?

Thank you for giving us the pleasure

of your company Miss Spitz.

And who is this?

Steve and Brian.

We're following Sharon around as part of the Coolest Teen

in Elkford competition.

What a waste of tape.

We'd love to sh**t a great teacher like you,

if that's all right Mr?

Melamed.

I guess.

Take your seat Miss Spitz.

Was there something wrong with the old one?

No, I just like this one better.

And do we always just get what we want?

Don't answer that.

Just recount Miss Spitz, if you can,

the details of the assassination of the Archduke

Ferdinand for us.

Oh, sure.

The Duke dude got himself shot--

caught on the wrong end of the b*llet.

Majorly bad timing if you ask me.

What has gotten into you?

Perhaps an hour in detention will

help you regain some respect.

SHARON: (VOICEOVER) A detention?

I'd never had a detention in my life.

My parents are going to freak when they

saw this on my report card.

You seem really popular.

It's tough sometimes since everyone

wants a piece of my time.

But I don't like to commit to stuff.

I get a rush from freedom.

That's why she digs stunts like skydiving and extreme

boarding.

I board.

So what's your trip?

Half-pipe or solid carves?

Definitely half-pipe.

This girl has a wicked 360.

Well, as you can see, Sharon's popularity

knows no great limit.

What can I say.

Hey, girlfriend, how are you doing?

I'm sorry.

Did I interrupt you talking to--

is that a camera?

The camera loves me.

You can see it on my commercial tape portfolio.

In fact, one time--

[shrieks]

Do you have a boyfriend?

Basically, I'm a real free spirit.

I don't need or want a boyfriend.

Really?

Absolutely, I've never been tied down in a relationship,

and I never will be.

So what was Alden?

ALDEN: Yeah.

No, I mean, Alden was my boyfriend.

But the nice thing about our relationship

was that I was never tied down.

It wasn't a co-dependent thing.

I was still my own person.

Well, those are the best kinds of relationships.

So do you guys have the story on Sharon here?

Do you board together?

Board?

Sharon was in their band.

Mangled Metal ruled!

Intense alternative rock for all.

So what did Sharon play?

Sharon was our best backup dancer ever--

no offense Maria.

Dancing for an alternative band?

Sounds quasi-postmodern to me.

That's good, right?

You should have seen her.

Hey, why don't you videotape Sharon during our free period?

She could do a special guest appearance with the band.

We could use some action shots to punch up the piece.

Yeah, Sharon could do that k*ller routine we worked out.

Which routine?

The one that ends with her spinning the fire stick.

Fire stick?

What fire stick?

Just roll with it.

What are you talking about?

Relax.

She'll do it.

And we're recording.

In my darkest hour, you were there.

Did you care?

Sinking deeper still.

This ain't no Ferris wheel.

ALDEN: Great powers still surround me.

Life is like a black and white TV.

Don't say it'll be OK.

The sun gets dimmer every day.

Impressive.

What about the fire part?

Oh, our principal isn't big on setting off the fire alarm.

In fact, the last time Sharon pulled that stunt--

Maria.

That definitely kicked things up.

Sometimes with these pieces, you get kids doing the most

boring do-gooder things.

Remember that one kid who had to sh**t his volunteer

work cleaning up poop from animal cages?

Ah.

He must have said, "let's make the world

a better place" 29 times.

Why is that uncool?

Well, put it this way, it just doesn't

make for a cool television.

Why not redefine what makes cool TV?

They could be talking about me.

They're reporters.

Maybe they figured out what a geek I really am.

I'm the poster girl for social consciousness.

Relax.

They don't know about any of that.

Steve was talking about someone else.

But that's who I really am.

Maybe this is going too far.

No, no, no, no, hang in there.

Get through the afternoon, and the contest is yours.

Maria, what else are you going to make me do to get

your piece of the action?

Come on, don't you want to win the money?

Yeah, but I never knew being cool would be this hard.

Is there anyone here who can demo

a basic jackknife dive for us?

You can.

Are you nuts?

Sharon, are you volunteering?

You can do it.

Whoa.

Ah!

[gasps]

[laughter]

Now, we wouldn't exactly call that the classic jackknife.

BRIAN: Way to go.

Hysterical pratfall kid.

What a comedian.

Oh, no!

That detention is going to make me late meeting my dad.

I've got to call him, or he'll freak on me.

He's like Mr. Punctuality these days.

10 for responsibility factor.

Zero for coolness.

OK, I'll distract the crew while you call.

No, I don't think that's a good idea.

You'll tell them about my days as a tightrope walker

or something.

Conner, could you keep them occupied?

Sure.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

Oh, hi.

Checking in with your dad.

That's very responsible of you.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't ordinarily do it.

I mean, really checking in with the parental units?

Please.

But my dad's just breezing through town.

In the middle of a big European tour.

Yeah, he's big in Belgium.

One of the craziest drummers they've ever seen.

And he's going to be huge here.

But Sharon wouldn't want him to lose his reservation whatever

fab restaurant he's taking her and her brothers to this time.

You know how it is.

Hello Miss Spitz.

You don't really want to come into the detention, do you?

I mean, the day is technically over, right?

OK, look, we've really come through here, Brian.

You've got to follow along with this.

All right.

All we have to do is follow her over.

Yeah.

The detention is probably going to be a drag,

but we've enjoyed following you around

so much that we've decided to go with you to dinner.

Get some footage of your dad for the piece.

This is a major bonus.

I mean, there aren't that many teens

in Elkford that have a dad who's a big rock star in Europe.

We haven't really heard of him.

But from what your friends said, we want to catch

him before he gets big here.

Well, I've got to get to volleyball practice.

It's been nice meeting you guys.

SHARON: (VOICEOVER) Maybe I was in the middle of a nightmare--

the kind when you know you're dreaming but you can't wake

yourself up.

I hope so.

Because once these guys met my real family,

they'd probably disqualify me from this contest.

[vocalizing]

Hey.

How's my video star?

You guys still taping?

Do you mind if we sh**t some family stuff?

Sure, why not.

Well, my little girl's pretty together, don't you think?

Not.

Say, you wouldn't happen to have any gaffer tape,

would you?

My dad doesn't really wear such goofy glasses.

It's just one of his disguises to get away from the fans.

What a nut.

And my brother, Josh, he usually plays rock and roll.

My wrestling coach has us taking ballet

so we can be light on our feet.

I kept looking for you guys at school today,

but I must have missed you.

What a shame.

Do you guys remember me?

I worked for the station making a few extra bucks last year.

Sorry, no.

I'll give you five bucks to get lost.

Why?

Because you're acting like a freak.

Oh, am I embarrassing you?

I'm serious.

$10.

Oh, looks like you mean business.

OK.

I'll drop the ballet.

Oh, thank you.

How was Belgium?

Belgium?

You mean the Belgium lounge at that fishing camp way up north?

Gee, I haven't played that place for at least two years.

In fact, I thought it burned down.

Steve, are you and Brian staying for dinner?

So you're not heading out to some glam restaurant?

The kind where rock stars hang out.

SHARON: (VOICEOVER) That's when I knew the gig was up.

Reality TV had suddenly gotten a little too real.

Why I ever thought I could pull off being cool was beyond me.

It's OK.

We understand.

Sure, you can't always pick your family.

Your dad's outfit was something else,

but that can happen to musicians when they're going downhill.

They lose touch.

Ow!

Stop it!

Even though my family isn't perfect, I love them a lot.

And just so you know, everything I was today was a joke, OK?

A lie.

You want to know who I really am?

I'm not totally not cool person you are laughing about before.

I'm that boring do-gooder who thinks

it's important to be kind to people and the environment.

And you know what?

I'm cool that.

So why don't you find someone else for your contest?

I don't care about the shopping spree anymore.

But you can't withdraw.

It's in the papers you signed.

No matter what happens, we use it.

That's the point of reality TV.

SHARON: (VOICEOVER) The nightmare was over.

I was awake-- totally humiliated, but awake.

Hey, it's on.

Move already.

You saw the other two.

Isn't that enough for you?

I'm sure you'll look great.

You really don't want to see this.

Trust me.

We do.

Come on, you're a star.

STEVE BRADY (ON TV): Try $1,000 shopping spree at the Den.

I don't think that's very nice.

Relax Mom.

How can I relax when my daughter

is acting like a delinquent?

CONNER: Kids, don't try this at home.

Oh, that must have hurt.

Oh, no!

Do I really do that with my tongue when I play?

How about me.

I look 80 years old in that bathrobe.

Oh, man.

It was funny at the time, but now I just look lame.

SHARON (ON TV): Stop it!

Oh, no.

Not this.

How did this get on there.

Even though my family isn't perfect, I love them a lot.

And just so you know, everything I was today was a joke, OK?

A lie.

I don't care about the shopping spree anymore.

We'll be back with our studio audience votes,

and the winning teen after this message from our sponsors.

Do you think anyone noticed the tongue thing?

I mean, it was only for two seconds, right?

Wow.

OK.

I don't get it.

Was that supposed to be some kind

of reverse psychology thing?

You know, I'm so uncool, I'm cool.

I think that was very cool of you, honey.

Honesty is always the best policy.

I'm glad you love us.

We love you.

There goes the contest.

Who cares about that?

I've got way bigger problems, like facing the rest of my life

and everyone at school.

And, now, the moment we've been waiting for.

Who will be named the coolest teen in Elkford?

Will it be Sharon--

our diving, fire-stick dancing, tell-all teen?

Or will it be Gabriel--

our goth teen with his collection of safety

pins from famous dead punk rockers.

Or maybe Jazz, the skateboard loving chainsaw juggler.

It's Sharon Spitz.

Our audience overwhelmingly picked her

for being a real normal teen and having the courage to admit it.

Aw, yeah!

Woo-hoo.

I knew you would win.

I won?

I won?

No way!

Woo!

SHARON: (VOICEOVER) Sometimes, just

sometimes, even the nightmares of real life

can have a happy ending.

[MUSIC - SAILOR MOON, "BRACEFACE THEME SONG"]