05x06 - Tequila sunrise

[bunniefuu]

SHIP HORN

CARON:
Hold on, are you kidding me?

So I'm the dead one?

MORGANE: Well-
SHIP HORN

HIGH INTELLECTUAL POTENTIAL

48 HOURS EARLIER

MORGANE:
Yes, yes yes yes, present!

I'm here! Okay, okay!

Good morning, good morning!
So what do we have today?

ADAM: Good morning, Morgane. One hour
and 12 minutes late, a great achievement.

Gille's started the
neighborhood canvass,

he was afraid witnesses would
die of old age while we waited for you.

- Ha ha ha, very funny.

So it turns out, firstly, I haven't
had electricity since last night, okay?

And secondly...

it turns out that your son
didn't sleep all night, and why?

Because his father has, 'accidentally,'

burned his favorite cuddly toy, so
consider yourself lucky that I came!

INSINCERELY
- Léo didn't sleep? Damn.

Are you sure he
wasn't upset because

his mother forgot to pick him
up from daycare yesterday?

- Ohhh, 'kay! I see we're in top form!

KARIM: Are you okay, I'm
not bothering you, am I?

- Sorry, doctor.
MORGANE: So, what went wrong?

Oh f*ck!

Yeah, he took quite a beating.
Do we know who he is?

KARIM: We don't know yet,
he had no ID on him,

and the b*ll*ts went through his face,

making identification considerably
more complicated.

What I can tell you is that
he's a man about 43 years old,

six foot, blonde,

and no distinctive marks
like tattoos or piercings.

- Woo! Who found him?

- This morning a local complained
about young people smoking cannabis,

Municipal Police came to check
and their dog smelled the body.

It could be a settling
of scores... A drug deal?

- It's not impossible, given the caliber.
ADAM: Mm-hmm.

- Well, we'll go ask those
stoners if they saw anything!

- We already have someone there, he
hasn't been able to get much out of them!

- Yeah yeah, well...

- It's been two hours, can we go?
MATTEO: We have class, sir,

keeping us from studying is serious.

- Chief, I think they need
you over there. It's urgent!

Great!
INGRATIATING LAUGH

Hey, f*ck' crazy, huh?

So guys, you saw the k*ller, huh?

- Well...

- No, don't saying anything, she's a cop.

LAUGH

- Me? A cop?

Did you see me?
Where did that
come from, how
am I a cop?

- No, excuse me, but the
disguise is a little "too much."

Yes, the cowboy boots, the
miniskirt; it's not really working.

We already told your colleagues,
we haven't moved from this bench.

- Okay.

That's how you feel, fine.

If you don't want to
spend the rest of
your life in jail

for drug use,
if I were you

I'd cooperate, okay?

- This woman's useless at
procedure as well as undercover.

No, because smoking a joint
is a misdemeanor, not a crime.

The penalty is just
a €200 flat rate fine.

- O-kayyy, ha ha, well I see I'm
dealing with a criminal law specialist,

You know what? You just
made two serious mistakes.

First of all, you made
fun of my "look," and

secondly, you tried
to make a fool of me.

Because that, what's that, pollen?

How did you pick up pollen if you
didn't move your a*s off that bench?

Can you tell me?

You're hiding something, somewhere.

ADAM SNEEZES

- Oh! First clue: allergy
has everything to do with it.

MEDITERRANEAN
CYPRESS

MORGANE VO: So, what is pollen?
SNEEZE

DECEMBER-MARCH

From the cypress? No.

No, blooming tends to occur
at the beginning of the year.

SNEEZE
But here we are in May.

APRIL

So what do we have in May?

We have oak, pine, and chestnut.

There are no oaks in this park,
so I'm thinking chestnut.

. . .

Well...

MORGANE: Tell me, am I warm?

You've frozen up on me there.

Oh, I don't know why,
I feel like I'm getting hot.

Ah ha ha! You see? Boiling!

So, what did he hide,
our 'budding' little lawyer, huh?

Weed? "sh*t"?

Oh! It's heavy.
CHUCKLES

Oh yeah?
- You should tell your mother.

- Shut up.

- Hey! Karadec,
c'mere, look what I found!

The m*rder weapon!

And handing it to you.

- Gloves, Morgane, gloves.
- Oh yes, well...

- Matteo?

- Matt- who? You know him?

- Yes, he's Celine's son.

CELINE: I'm not joking anymore, Matteo.

Do you realize you risk
being suspected of homicide?

Come on, where did
this weapon come from?

- I don't know. I've never seen it.

Why don't you believe me?

- Maybe because the last time
you told me you didn't see anything,

it was about a bottle of
vodka I found under your bed.

Well, listen. If all this
is a way of telling me

you'd like us to spend a
little more time together,

there may be other ways
to get the message across.

- No, don't get carried away, I just
wanted to spend time with my friends.

That's all.
And for the hundredth time,

it's not my weapon, I didn't k*ll
that guy. I don't even know who he is!

(Phew.)

KNOCKING,
DOOR OPENS

- Excuse me, can I talk
to you for a moment?

Of course. Go on,
go for a walk, you, go on.

- The prosecutor just
called me, we've been pulled.

The Gendarmerie is taking over the case.

- I understand.

- I also have information from Forensics.

The g*n is missing a
b*llet, which is a match.

Everything indicates
it's the m*rder weapon.

- Okay.

Well, for now, nothing
proves it's Matteo's weapon.

He insists that it's not his.

Do we know if there are any fingerprints?

- Not yet.

I know it will be hard, Céline, but you're
gonna have to stay away from this case.

Obviously the Gendarmes
will interview Mattéo.

The only thing left to do
now is find a good lawyer.

- I know.

When I think that
I was so happy that he

came back to live with me
for his first year of law school,

CELINE: Well, do we
have anything else today?

ADAM: No, it's calm.

CAUTION: HIGH VOLTAGE
CABLES NEARBY

MAJOR: Good morning, Judge.
LAFOLET: Good morning, Major.

- Oh my! Will you be all right?

- When was the body discovered?

- This morning at 9:15 by a walker.

According to the ID, her
name is Laëtitia Pasco.

She's 45, a real estate
agent in Cannes.

The coroner is
thinking electrocution.

See the cable
coming out of
the transformer?

LAFOLET:
Mm-hmm.

We believe it
electrified the grill,

and then she
touched this grill.

Hence the burn on
the hand, it matches.

- Oh no!
- What?

So we're wondering- we're
wondering why the cable was cut.

Maybe the three-day storm.

- Are you leaning towards an accident?

- Yes, or suicide.

Her phone was on her.

It was damaged by the electric shock.

But we have partial
access to the photo gallery.

Nothing suspicious was found.

ANGRY SIGH
- It won't come out, how annoying.

- Uh, information on the victim's
family situation and acquaintances?

- No, not yet.

We'll contact them, we'll interview them.
- Very good.

For my part, I'll take charge of
speaking to Cmdr Karadec.

- To who?

- In the last photo.

It's Cmdr Karadec, one of your
colleagues from the Lille PJ.

We worked together on a case in 2017.

I never forget a face. You see?

It was taken day before yesterday.

Well, why does a Cannes real estate agent

have a photo of a Lille
policeman on her phone?

Well, I'll ask him the
question and let you know.

- All right, judge?
- Fine.

- Shall I take you back to the vehicle?
- Yes, I'd like that.

- Careful.

MURMURS
Don't trip on the cable.

DAPHNÉ:
Morgane, how many are you gonna plug in?

- I don't have electricity at home.

I have to charge up.

DAPHNÉ: Come on, Morgane!

GILLES: Being with us means
something to you, right?

- Huh?
- I was saying, it must

mean something to you, being with us.

Like, you haven't come
here since you were little,

and now you're here with us—
in truth, it's crazy!

Uh, that's the wonderful Daphné,

and then I'm Gilles—
CROSSTALK

—remember me?

- Oh, you're Gilles.
- Yeah.

- Okay, that's tough.

- What? What's 'tough'? What?

- Well... You were screwing
the girl at Reception, right?

- Uh...
- You were mega pissed off.

She was almost gonna fire you.

- Well- no, but- I can't actually-
I mean yes, it wasn't easy.

LAUGHS, SNORTS

- No, I'm just kidding, huh, don't worry.

- Oh.
- No, she's used to your bullshit,

it's just that your team
is like an episode of Elite,

everyone's sleeping with everyone else...
DAPHNÉ LAUGHS

Except- except you.

- 'Except' me?

- Yeah, you, you...
you're sleeping with no one.

You're the only one in this office.

You don't like sex?
- S- ?

- Uh... Yes, I... Yes.

- Ah.

I don't know, I'm not...
I'm not the only one,

there are plenty of people here
not sleeping with their coworkers.

UNCOMFORTABLE AGREEMENT

There's...

- Ha.

- Uh...

- Gilles, do you have
another power strip, because

this one's broken. Please? Thanks.

MARIE: Hello.

Matteo Hazan?
Cmdr Marie, Lille Gendarmerie.

Follow us, sir.
CELINE: Hold on!

May I know what's going on?

- I'm sorry, Commissioner,
your son is in custody.

We found a video on
his social media this morning.

He had a weapon in
his hand that interests us.

- What?

- It's not me! I was just having some fun!
- What?

- I found it this morning in the park,
in a bag on a bench with my friends.

I wanted to goof around,
then I saw the cops and
threw it in the bushes, that's all!

I didn't fire it, mom,
I didn't fire it, I promise!

- Come on, let's go.

- Mattéo, don't say
anything else!

I'll find you a very good lawyer,

don't worry, I'll get you out.

- I swear, I didn't k*ll anyone!
- Don't say anything else!

Nothing!

Find me this video, now!

- Yes! I- yes.
Yes, I have it.

I have it, I have it.

VIDEO
MATTEO: Yeah, what're you gonna do?

I've got a "g*n"! I'll
f*ck the police! Everyone!

I'll f*ck you up, man!

You'll see, I'm gonna
pop a cap in yo' a*s!

You're gonna sleep,
you're gonna die!

- Is he completely stupid???

- On the other hand, what isn't stupid,
if you want to get rid of a g*n and body,

it's throwing them into a park
where there are lots of gangs of kids,

because it's sure to
come back to bite them.

- What do you mean?

- Well, look, uh:

The woman in the back there,

she takes out her
phone, she makes a call.

She didn't type in her code!

And she didn't unlock with her face
either, since she has glasses.

Therefore?
OTHERS: She was calling Emergency!

- This morning the cops
told us they came to the park

after a complaint from
a local resident regarding

young people smoking cannabis.

That's how they discovered the body.
- We can find the contact details

in the central call logs.

So, it's Eva Le Bihan, stylist,
living at 8 Rue du Lac.

CENTRAL AGENCY

Well she's not near the river,
she's on the other side of town.

Should I transfer it to the ASR*?
* SPEECH RECOGNITION

- Know what? I'll do it, because
they must not be far away, huh?

Uh, Morgane, will you
come help me transmit?

CELINE: Come on!
- Right now? No, because

CELINE: Now!
- ...I'm in the middle of something-

- Morgane!
MORGANE: Yes, yes, yes!

Woo! Oh yeah,
not a bad house!

- Okay, so we're not supposed to
investigate, but I have a plan,

stick with me.
- Okay!

GIDDY
It's so cool!

- Hello ma'am!
EVA: Hello.

- We're with the police, and
you dialed 17 this morning.

- Oh, yes! Yes, yes, but
it was handled, thank you.

- Certainly, but then it turns out that...

we conduct satisfaction surveys,

of users of our services!

- There you go!

- Would you have
5 minutes to spare?

- Yes!
- Thank you.

- Wowsie!

- You're loaded, aren't you?

KNOCKS

Hello madam judge, Commander-
- Karadec!

Come in,

sit down, please.
- Thank you.

- We know each other, you know?

- Really?
- The Ouvrier case.

In November 2017.

We crossed paths
briefly during the reenactment.

- Oh, well yes, very nice.

SHE LAUGHS
ADAM: Hmm.

- Thank you for coming
so quickly, Commander.

I apologize for rushing you, but

I'm currently investigating
a case of suspicious death,

in which you may be able to
provide me with some information.

- Of course.

- Well— do you know this woman?
Her name is Laëtitia Pasco.

- No, I don't think so. Why?

- We found this photo in her phone, so

I was hoping you could tell me more
about her. Will you look at this one?

It's very much like you.

- Yes, it's me.

I don't understand, I don't know this woman.
- Mmm?

Maybe it's just a coincidence.

Yeah. She wanted to take a picture
of this building, you were in frame...

- Eh... well... yeah.

I'm afraid I've bothered you for nothing.

For the sake of completeness, can I
ask you for your schedule yesterday,

between 6 and 9pm?

- Uh, yeah.
- We're leaning towards an accident,

but I wouldn't want anyone to
think I gave you special treatment

because you're one of us.
CLICKS PEN

- Of course.
I was with my son at home.

His mother unexpectedly
couldn't pick him up from daycare.

So I took care of him all evening, and

I took him back to his mother around 9:30.

- Very good.
. . .

Can I ask you for your
partner's contact details,

just for verification?

- We're not together.

- Yeah, that's... Ffff!
. . .

- 'Morgane Alvaro.' 06, 0-

- Hold on.
. . .

Was that 'Alvaro'?
ADAM: Yes.

'Morgane Alvaro.' Why?

- No, it's nothing. Pardon.
Go ahead, you were saying?

. . .

PEN SCRATCHES

BARKS

- So, to return to our
questionnaire relating to your call:

My first question would be,
'How would you rate how...

...how fast did you
get through to someone,

on a scale of 1 to 5?'

- Well, I don't know, it was
almost immediate, so we'll say 5.

- Five! Five. Five is good, 5 is very fast.

Uh, okay.

And, it seems to me you
weren't in an emergency situation.

- No, it wasn't an emergency,

but it wasn't calm, there were
three young people doing drugs

in front of me. There was
no one around, so let's say 2, 2½.

And by the way, what were
you doing in that park at 9 am?

- Pardon?

- The third question:
the context of the call.

There are three possible answers:
First, a 'leisure situation'.

Second, 'professional.'

And number 3 is-
- Yeah, number 2, 'professional.'

My muslin supplier is in that neighborhood,
I have to cross the park to get there.

- Oh, speaking of the
park, did you know that

we found a body
in the park this morning?

- What?
- The m*rder weapon was there,

and know what? The brown paper
bag it was in is similar to this one.

In terms of coincidences, how
much is that on a scale of 1 to 5?

LAUGHS

- What's this all about?
Why are you telling me all this?

Do I have a problem?
- No problem!

No problem, it's just
a satisfaction questionnaire.

MOBILE RINGS
BOTH: There it is.

MOBILE RINGS
- Uh, answer, Morgane?

MOBILE RINGS
- It's Karadec, it's fine.

MOBILE RINGS
- Well, answer anyway.

MOBILE RINGS
There may be an emergency situation.

MOBILE RINGS
- Okay!

- Okay!

MOBILE RINGS

DOOR CLOSES
Yes Karadec, what?

- Morgane,

do you know a 'Laëtitia Pasco'?

- Laëtitia... Pasco?

- You work for the police, right?

I'm not sure they'd appreciate
it if I showed them this.

- No, why?

- Are you sure?
CAMERA CLICKS

- Uh, yes Karadec, I'm sure, yes,

why?
- No, nothing, but...

You're certain? Because-
- Uh, Karadec,

I have 2% battery left, so if
you have nothing else to tell me

other than asking the same
question three times, well,

CAMERA CLICKING
I'll let you go.

Goodbye- uh,

Hey! h*!
What is it? Can I help you?

- Uh... Marcel Veronika, private detective.

I think we're on the same case, but

I'm warning you, I'm not
going to let you steal my bonus.

- What case?

- Well... Eva Le Bihan. Investigating
the death of her first husband.

- The death of her first husband?

WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY

THE DEATH OF THE
FIRST HUSBAND

MORGANE:
So, who do you work for?

The underworld? Oil magnates?
GASPS

Politics?

Come on, don't be shy.

- Yes- No, actually...

I'm more of an
administrative fraud specialist,

I work for Châlus Insurance

They paid out the life insurance
to Eva le Bihan at the time.

Well, her first husband was a
somewhat swanky architect, Eddie Delval.

In 2023, he took out a
€500,000 life insurance policy,

designating her as sole beneficiary.

Three months later they
went on a Pacific cruise,

and, according to the
official investigation,

a passenger Eddie Delval fell overboard,

FATAL CRUISE

after a night boozing.

The police deduced he
drowned accidentally. But—

—mid-ocean in the middle of the night,
they were unable to recover the body.

So no autopsy, and his wife
was at the bar with several people

at the time, so she
was never suspected.

- Mmm.
- sh*t.

- Yeah. But you, huh?
Tell me what you think.

Deep down in your gut,
you think she did it. Am I wrong?

- In two years, I found
nothing suspicious on her.

And then, it's true that she
didn't play the widow or cry for long.

Six months after Eddie's death,
she signs up on a dating site,

and six weeks later she marries her
current husband, Yannick Le Bihan.

This is him.

Do you have any
information for me, then?

Because we're on
a give-and-take basis.

- Hold on, you know
what I'm gonna do, tiger?

I'm going to take everything with me

to have time to study the thing.
I'll bring it all back to you, all right?

Hey, Marcel, I owe you a lot.

Thanks Marcel, I'll pay you back!

- It's two years of work!

- Yes, I'll bring it back
to you, all right?

Ah! Last question: So,

on a scale of 1 to 5, how many
husbands have you bumped off?

- Pardon?

- My deepest condolences
on Eddie, your first husband.

It must have been terrible!
PHONY GASP

To lose your great love
like that in the prime of life! . . .

Well, at the same time, you
turned the page quite quickly, huh?

Six months later meeting a
Yannick Le Bihan on the Internet.

Who loves to travel, and
'Breton and proud of it.'

Uh, that's his profile, right?

- Yes. So?
MORGANE: Well, so picture this.

There's plenty of information
in here, including

his physical information.
So what do we have?

Age: 45, Height-
- Six foot, blonde,

and no distinctive marks...

- Exactly the description of the
body found this morning in the park.

It's him, our death! It's Yannick
Le Bihan, her second husband!

So it's not your son
who k*lled him, it's her!

She's the black widow who kills all
her husbands to get the inheritance.

Is what she said true?

SMUG
- Hmm.

YANNICK: What's going on?

- Apparently, I m*rder*d you, my love.
HE LAUGHS

- Yannick Le Bihan, I presume.

YANNICK: Uh, yes?

- My love, can you call the police?

- Of course. Is there a problem?

- If you are involved in this investigation
in any way, shape, or form,

I'll inform IGPN.* Is that clear?
* INTERNAL AFFAIRS

- It's very clear, Mr Prosecutor.

Excuse me again for the inconvenience,
and have a good evening.

- So okay, okay, she may not
have k*lled her second husband,

but she probably
k*lled the first one.

And then, sorry, but she had
the same brown paper bags!

- It's actually all a game to you.

My son risks 30 years in prison.

TEARFUL
I had one shot, one. And you blew it

by doing whatever
you want, as usual!

You know what? For weeks
I've been moving heaven and earth

so that you stay in the police,
this is how you thank me?

- Well no need to tire yourself out, huh?

Because I'm not
having your test! It's dead!

- How is it dead?

- I flunked the written.

- 'Flunked the written'?
- Yes! Flunked the written!

- But we're talking about
multiple choice questions

that an 8 year old
child could answer!

Aren't you supposed
to have a 160 IQ?

- Well, I guess I'm dumber than I look.

Or maybe too smart to
work for the police, I don't know.

SCOFFS

No, sorry, that's not what I meant!

STRAINED
- Uh...

- I need to take my
son some clean clothes.

I mustn't stop you from
getting home on your own.

BARKING

MOBILE RINGS

Yes, Emmanuel, anything new?

CARON: Yes. So, it's not good
news. I spoke to the prosecutor,

Matteo is going to be
indicted for voluntary homicide.

I'm sorry.

- Thank you.

GILLES:
Still, it's strange
that neither

the Commissioner
nor Morgane
arrived, huh?

Maybe I should call
them, because it's-

DAPHNÉ:
Can you let me concentrate, please?

- Sorry.

- Oh, here! Isabelle!
Isabelle isn't sleeping

with anyone in the office either.
I knew it was nonsense!

GILLES: Isabelle,
the woman from
General Services?

- Yeah.

- Yes, she's involved with Gerard,
the guy from Maintenance.

That's why they're getting divorces.

WHEELS

You all right?

- Well, no Gilles, I'm not.

Everyone is sleeping with
everyone here, except me.

What's wrong with me?

- Nothing's wrong with you,
not everyone has a sex life at work.

Like... uh...

Like speleologists! They
don't have a sex life at work. Uh...

The self-employed,
they don't have... uh, priests!

They don't have a sex life at work!

Yes! No, don't worry about it!
It's just that you have a "vibe"—

—super-professional! And
mind you, that's actually a quality.

When- when we see you,
Daphné, we say to ourselves,

'Hey, there's Daphné.
I'll stop thinking about sex,

now I'm going to work.'

It's 'work work work work.'

It's- it's- it's- great! You-

Oh, Commander!

Uh... any news from the Commissioner?

- Yeah, I just saw her.
Her son was indicted yesterday.

She's not coming in today.

- Hmm.
- I'm thinking that

maybe we could send her
some flowers, what do you think?

- Well totally, totally. Hold on,

I'm gonna- gonna give you some money.

ADAM: That's nice.

- Good, thank you. Uh... Is...?

ADAM: ((What...))
GILLES: Huh?

- You know this woman?
- ...do you know this woman?

Her name is Laëtitia Pasco.

GILLES: Oh, yes, she's
Morgane's stepmother.

She gave me her card
when she came to the Directorate.

- That's Morgane's stepmother?

- Oh, yeah, her
father's last wife, yeah.

She wanted to appraise
my apartment, but...

just between us, I'm not
going to do it, because

it was so electric
between them that-

ADAM: ...do you know a 'Laëtitia Pasco'?

- Laëtitia... Pasco? No, why?

TEXT ALERT, GILLES LAUGHS
- Ah!

GILLES: It was the Commissioner.
She invited us to her place this evening.

Strange, right?

- Oh yes, strange.

- Commander? Yoo-hoo?
SNAPS FINGERS

- Yes?

- Strange?
- Yes, strange. Very strange, yes.

LUDO: Oh... sh*t!

Well, I tried everything, but
it's impossible to turn on the power.

It's as if the whole installation melted.

- Are you serious?
What am I supposed to do?

I can't cook without electricity.

Oh no. Kids? Did you
reconnect your thing to the pole?

BOTH: No, no, no!

- Because if I find out it's because of you

my hair straightener won't work
anymore, it's gonna be a mess, huh?

MOBILE RINGS

Oh jeez, it's that 07 number again.

Yeah- Well, it actually says 'courthouse.'
SCOFFS

What'll they lie about next
to sell us heat pumps? I swear.

Hey, what say you hold
onto your heat pump, buddy?

- Well.

You still pouting about Santo Domingo?

- No, seriously.

What do you think?
HE CHUCKLES

Hey,

you'd better get a villa
with lots of bedrooms.

For the kids;

and for me.

Yeah, because guess what:
I might have a lot of free time now.

- How do you mean, 'a lot of free time'?

No, don't tell me
that you're getting fired!

- Yes— but this time
it's really not my fault.

TEXT ALERT

- Well, well. The Commissioner.

LAUGHS

She wants me to go to her
house to solve her case in secret.

She's lost without me.

- That must be it.

Well? To Santo Domingo.

- Okay. To Santo Domingo.

DOORBELL

- Oh, Morgane! You're
finally here. Come in.

- Okay, I want to give you a
hand, but let's be clear—

—I'm still giving you the cold shoulder!

What, is this an ambush?

- Well, it's a little party
for the team, that's all.

So, can I have your full attention?

FAUX BRIGHTLY
I've gathered you all together tonight, for

NERVOUS LAUGH

something that has been
talked about for a long time:

A "m*rder party"!

GILLES: Oh.
(She's totally lost it.)

- Yes, play along, if it
can take her mind off things.

- So! I'll set the scene for you.

1920. We're on a ship, for
a dream cruise in the Pacific!

Who do we have on
board? Who do we have? Ah!

'Dr de Lafeuille,' retired
hearing aid specialist

who can only see out of one eye,

- Interesting.

- ...as well as 'Gilles Tonic,' the-?

- Bartender?
- Bartender. All right.

Uh, Emmanuel... ah!
- Ah.

- You're 'Eddie Fice,' well-known
architect, along with his cigar

and his wife, the mysterious
'Tarantula Venard.'

- No, I'm the "femme fatale"!

- Oh...
- Yes!

- Uh, well, if you want.
So— lethal, huh?

- Yes. Yes, lethal.
- All right.

- Next, uh...

- Morgane. Morgane?
Can I speak with you a minute?

- Come with me.

Do you take me
for an idiot or what?

'A cruise in the
islands of Samoa'?

Where our black widow's
first husband drowned?

You think if you can
prove that she k*lled him,

the Gendarmes will
be interested in her

for the park m*rder
instead of your son.

You're unbelievable!

You organized
all this so that I'd investigate?

- (No! So the team would investigate!)

(You're not the center
of the world, Morgane!)

GRUNTS
- Huh! 'The team,' huh?

We know the team.
Lucky that I'm playing.

All right, well, I guess this
nice detective's fedora is for me!

Let's go, it's a party!

- 'Inspector Sécur,' onboard
security, armed with your pipe

and— your character sheet.
There you are!

And Morgane, that only leaves you-

- The Captain!

- Certainly not.

'Blanche White,' laundress and chef.

GILLES LAUGHS

And there we are!
Everyone ready?

Come on, let's get started!
CLOCK CHIMES

It's 11:30 pm.

Our ship is sailing at a speed of 20 knots

towards Upolu in the archipelago of Samoa,

PIANO

A string of paradise-like islands
located 3,000 km east of New Zealand.

A light drizzle lashes
the windows of the bar,

inside which the night owls
enjoy a piano recital.

On deck, Dr de Lafeuille
sniffs the sea air.

. . .

Behind his bar, Gilles Tonic
prepares his signature c*ck

for his future alcoholic customers.

- Really?

- No, but seriously, why
do I have the worst role?

I'm a cleaning lady, so I'm the one
who gets slapped with 'laundress'?

- Ha! Isn't meritocracy beautiful!?

- Sorry, but there's only sparkling
water, I thought we could open

a little Prosecco that I
brought, which is still very cold-

- No, Gilles! I'm sorry, but

but there won't be any
alcohol until we find the culprit.

Is that clear? So we stay
focused, focused, focused! Right?

- Morgane, can I speak with you a minute?

CELINE: Please, Commander!
We focus on our characters!

And, to continue—
CARON LAUGHS

So, leaning on the bar,
Eddie Fice sips his "white lady,"

accompanied by his wife,
the seductive Tarantula Venard.

Where is she?
- I dunno, where is she?

EXASPERATED SIGH
DAPHNÉ: Yes?

GRAMOPHONE STARTS,
BOUNCY JAZZ

BOUNCY JAZZ

. . .

- Good evening, my love.
- Hello.

- A c*ck, please.

- But, Eddie Fice seems to have drunk
too much. He spills his "white lady"-

He spills it on his "white lady"...!
- DRUNK Oh yes...

PLASTIC CLATTERS
Uh, yes!

- ...and stumbles out onto
the deck to go to his cabin,

SINGS DRUNKENLY

while his wife orders a last drink.

- I hate drinking alone. Will you join me?

- Uh, no. No thank you ma'am.
UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGH

It's funny how this looks
like an interrogation report!

- Gilles, can we focus?
- Sorry.

- Meanwhile, Blanche
White and Inspector Sécur

are at their respective positions:

the Inspector in his office,
and Blanche White in the laundry.

- Yes, obviously in the laundry!
Where's the upward mobility, huh?

Well, not at Celine's m*rder
party, if you know what I mean.

- Morgane— I mean Blanche
White— that's enough, huh?

- Morgane, I really need to talk to you.

Celine, I need to question Ms White
about a theft of napkins.

MORGANE YELPS

- So I stole some napkins,
are you out of your mind?

Let go of m- YELPS

You're hurting me! Have you
heard about consent and all that?

- Stop lying. Gilles told me
Laëtitia Pasco is your stepmother.

- Oh, that Laëtitia Pasco!

Well, you're not very precise either.

You have something to tell me?

- Well yes. She died day before yesterday.

The judge didn't call you?

- 'The judge'?
- Yes.

- Oh f*ck. sh*t, then it wasn't spam?

But at the same time, if a
woman with an 07 number calls me,

obviously I'm not answering!
- Morgane, a woman is dead,

police found a photo of me in her mobile,

and you've been lying since yesterday.

Can you explain to me what I'm involved in?

- Wait, are you accusing me?

- The evening of her death,
I picked Léo from daycare.

You were unreachable.
What were you doing?

- You have until 5 pm.

- I was at the movies, okay?
But now go ahead,

cuff me for being late to daycare!

CELINE: ...when suddenly a
scream comes from out on deck!

CARON AND CELINE
STAGE-SCREAM

- Man overboard! Man overboard!

- Hold on, are you sh1tting me?

Oh, okay, so I'm the dead one!

- Oh, well in the end it's not
me who got the worst role, huh?

FAKE DISTRAUGHT
- Oh Eddie! How can I go on?

Can you take me in your arms?
- Hmm? Whoa.

COUGHS
- Well my friends, this is a serious time.

A passenger is dead,
he was probably m*rder*d.

- I still can't believe you
gave me the role of the corpse,

Can't I play someone else?

- Sorry, but it's really weird
that the dead man is talking.

And we haven't fished out
the body, why is he here?

- Fine, fine! Emmanuel,
you're dead. You're silent!

And you, Gilles, can you stop nitpicking?

So: a little imagination, sh*t.
The dead: he's dead.

And we refocus.
INHALES RESOLUTELY

Dr de Lafeuille, you witnessed the death,

tell us what you saw.
- Uh... yes. Yes, yes, of course.

CLEARS THROAT

So, uh... one minute. Ah, here:

I- I was enjoying the sea air,

on deck, when Mr Fice
stumbled past me.

MUSES
Oh...

- A minute later,
I heard a scream.

I rushed over, and
saw him disappear
in the waves.

MUSES
- Oh...!

- When I leaned over,
I saw a slight red discoloration

appear around the body,
as if he'd been injured in the fall.

- Very good, very good. And in
your expert opinion, this bleeding,

could it be consistent with
a theory of accidental drowning?

- Excellent question, Captain.

But you'll have to ask
a medical examiner,

I'm just Dr de Lafeuille,
a hearing aid specialist.

That has nothing to do with this.
BOTH: Obviously.

SEETHES LIGHTLY
- Very good. Uh...

CLEARS THROAT
Inspector Sécur, what do you think?

- Uh... okay. Doctor,
you claim you were on deck

enjoying the sea air this evening.
- Quite.

- Right. Very good.

- Oh, in fact I see on
the weather bulletin

that it's 53°F and
raining this evening.

- Ahhh!

- I think that's not really ideal

weather for going out on deck.

LEVER CLICKS
MORGANE: Stop! He k*lled no one!

No. No no no.

He just called his mistress!
SMUG LAUGH

Give me that.

It's. All. In. Here!
So, two days ago,

the infirmary delivered
doxycycline to you,

an antibiotic for chlamydia.

And according to the passenger
log, you boarded the ship

with your wife of 48 years, Gertrude.

. . .

I find it hard to imagine that it was
she who gave you the clap, was she?

. . .

Well, I deduce that
you're cheating on her.

And I tell myself it was probably

for a romantic video chat with your
mistress that you were out on deck.

Am I wrong?
- A video chat in the '20s?

- (Gilles!)
- Allow me introduce myself:

Hercule Carotte,
at your service!

Oh! So: sidebar.
(Here, give me that.)

Sidebar: don't listen to
anything he says, because

falsely accusing innocent people
is his thing, huh? LAUGHS

ADAM: Hold on, 'Hercule Carotte.'

I thought you were the laundress.
- Yes, yes yes,

that was my cover! Because
I'm in fact a private detective,

know what that is?

Let's go! I see you there,

come here kid, so I
can ask you a question.

- Celine! She, she,
she's making everything up!

ADAM: Can she do that?
- At some point we have to keep going!

- Yes, at some point you need
someone competent on this case,

because we're talking
about a m*rder, okay?

Good. So then...

- Ah, you can
question me with him

if you want.
Everything is more fun with three.

LIGHTER SNAPS

Oh, I imagine you're going
to talk to me about Eddie.

. . .

- That's correct.

Forgive me for this
question, Ms Venard, but

was there any tension
between you and your husband?

- Call me Tarantula.
And don't apologize.

I'm used to people getting
the wrong idea about me.

A free woman

BREATHY
is scary

- Yeah, uh, tell me: your
husband's death, do you agree

that you hit the jackpot
with your husband's death, right?

Between us girls?
- It's good to do things with a girlfriend.

What do you call 'Hercule'?

- No, seriously, Karadec?
I'm a non-binary detective!

What? What, you're going
to lock me up for that maybe?

- So, it's true— that my relationship
with Eddie was... complicated,

- Mmm.

- and that his death
makes me immensely rich,

I'm not the monster you think I am.

I was at the bar when he
died. Could I have k*lled him?

- Indeed, it seems difficult. Except,
perhaps, with the help of an accomplice.

The ship's log.

Well...

This morning, 10 am.

'Our ship made a stopover
at the island of Tutuila,

for a small excursion.'

But guess what: the
skipper was responsible

for checking the
number of participants,

and noticed an unexplained
one-passenger discrepancy

between the outward and return journeys.

Obviously, no one was
missing, he made a mistake.

Know what I think, Ms Venard?

An extra passenger
came aboard that morning.

- Ooh!
- Yes.

He hid.

- Oooh!
- Mm-hmm.

And he waited for the right moment
to throw your husband overboard.

- No, time out, no,
no more bullshit.

He has access to things
I don't, frankly it's annoying!

ADAM: COUGHS The logbook
is available to everyone, ma'am,

if you'd spent a little less time
inventing stupid identities for yourself—

SHAKER SLOSHES

—you might have solved
this case before me!

- 'Solved'?

This one thinks he's solved it.
You haven't solved anything at all!

I mean, this girl has
a concrete alibi, obviously she

has an accomplice, everyone knows it!
- Boy!

- Madam!

- A sex on the beach.

SHOCKED CRIES,
SPLASHING

- Oh no, no!
SPLASHING

- Oh no, no!
- I'm sorry!

CROSSTALK

GILLES: I'm sorry! Sorry.

What a blunder!

Uh, right away.

ADAM: Okay, let's get back to
business. Who's this accomplice?

- I don't know.

- Here kid, pour me a bourbon.

QUIETLY
- Yes, right away.

- You look troubled.

- 'Troubled'?
Why should I be troubled?

- Dunno... You like her?

Huh. Not surprising.
Quite a lady.

Cold as an iceberg, hot as
a french fry fresh from the oven.

The kind of girl a man would
drop everything for, even k*ll for.

- k*ll? Never. No, that's
not me at all, not at all.

- Oh yeah? But what's this?
I've been going through your receipts.

You left your post this evening
between 11:45 and midnight.

Right on time for the crime.
Well, well, well.

- It's not at all what
you think. No no no no no.

I went down to the storeroom
to get... some grenadine!

No Gilles, ser- You couldn't find
anything better than grenadine?

- It's true! You have to believe me!

A Dutch group ordered Tequila Sunrises,

but someone stole all the syrup
from storage, so I searched like crazy.

You can check my
personal log, it's noted.

- Yes, yes, okay. So, uh...
Stolen syrup. Well, well, well.

LAUGHS

Let me guess: She asked
you to bump off her husband,

and made you think
it was your idea. Huh? Huh?

- Pffft!
NERVOUS LAUGH

ADAM: Gilles?
- Huh?

- What's going on?

- Wait, is that true?
You k*lled my
husband for me?

- Uh...
- I don't know whether to be horrified

or flattered.
CARON: Excuse me?

Since you're all at the bar,

can someone bring
me a Sprite, please?

SHOUTS
- Okay! Okay! Okay!

I confess everything. (Yeah!)

(Yeah, I k*lled him!
Yeah, I k*lled him.)

FRANTIC LAUGH

I poisoned his glass!
. . .

YES, YES!
And to finish him off, I used—

—an olive pick!
MANIACAL LAUGH

- An olive pick?

- What? You want to get cut?

Cut! Cut! Cut!

INSANE LAUGH

- Wait, Gilles, are you making this up?
- Yes.

- Well done Karadec, because you've

managed to get an
innocent man to confess.

- Is that a joke? You were
the one making the accusations.

- Huh?
CARON: Well, since no one's

listening to the corpse,
I helped myself.

- It's not reassuring, as I-
CROSSTALK

SCREAMING
- THAT'S ENOUGH!

MY SON'S LIFE IS AT
STAKE! LET'S FOCUS! sh*t!

- What do you mean, your 'son's life'?

MORGANE'S GEARS SPIN

SOFTLY
- Jeez. Yes, that's it!

EPIPHANIC GASP

He's not dead!

- Yes, yes yes, I'm dead-
OTHERS: Sssh!

- I just got up to pour myself a drink!

If I'm not allowed to have a drink

you should've got a mannequin!

- Oh! That's it, it's a mannequin!

Obviously, it's a mannequin!

Okay, we completely messed up—
Eva didn't whack her husband.

- Who's Eva?

MORGANE: Eva is the woman
who set up Celine's son, okay?

We thought she k*lled
her husband to collect the insurance,

but that's not it at all!
They were actually accomplices!

- Oh Eddie! How can I go on without you?

- Doctor, do we agree
that you didn't

see the body of our
dead man fall from the ship?

- Well, I just heard a scream.

- There you go! By the time you got there,

you saw him floating on the surface,

amid the red color-
- Mm-hmm.

- and then it sank into the
depths. Therefore we deduce

that he injured himself in the
fall, and then drowned. Except that—

—the red around the body!
It was not blood but:

grenadine!
ALL: Grenadine?

- Grenadine, absolutely. Consider
this: grenadine is heavier than water.

Yes, because of its sugar content.

So when you pour it in something,
it sinks to the bottom.

WAVES

If we fill an object like
an inflatable mannequin,

like those we found in Eva's stateroom,

it'll sink to the bottom in a few seconds—

but slowly enough for witnesses to see it,

but fast enough that
we don't have time to fish it out.

So, the perfect setting to
collect the insurance without dying.

SCREAMS

GIDDY LAUGH

- But the real Eddie, no one saw him
again after that he fell in the water.

Where is he?
- Well it's quite simple—

—he simply got off the
ship quietly the next day.

OTHERS: Ah!

- Yeah! And you know what
I discovered in the ship's log?

A difference of one passenger
between the departing and returning

on Tuesday's excursion to Tutuila.

OTHERS: Oh!

- I'm the one who discovered that.

- Yes, but you deduced that the
lady brought an accomplice on board,

when in fact it was the opposite,

she helped her husband
sneak off. They're totally separate.

- Yes, but it doesn't fit,

because the excursion
was Tuesday at noon,
before he drowned.

- No, it was twelve hours later!

MORGANE:
Eddie drowned off the coast of Samoa,

an archipelago which
has the distinction of

being crossed by the
international date line,

DAY DAY -1

an imaginary line at
which we change days

TUESDAY MONDAY

in the international
time zone system. Okay?

So even if it's only
70 km between the two islands,

they in fact have a
24 hour time difference.

So, if the drowning did indeed occur
at midnight on the 23rd at Upolu,

and the excursion to Tutuila
was at noon on the 23rd—

- The excursion is the next
day, but in fact it's the same day.

- There ya go!

- And the husband could've taken
advantage of it to disembark discreetly,

counting on this to cover his tracks.

We summon the widow.

- No, Eddie got me involved
in all this against my will.

I swear I didn't know anything,
I really thought he died on that ship.

Then three months later I received a call,
and I immediately recognized his voice.

He was hiding in Australia, and
wanted me to join him with the money,

to start a new life under a false identity.

How could he do that to me?

He left me crying for months,
I thought I was going to die.

- So you maintain that you weren't
aware of your husband's plan in advance.

SCOFFS
- Yes.

- Yet it was you who
pocketed the money, not him.

- But I couldn't refuse without
attracting attention too. If we were

found out, Eddy kept telling me
I would be accused of complicity.

I was stuck!
ADAM: But I believe you

and Eddie were accomplices.

Only once you received
the insurance, you decided to

keep the money and start
a new life with another man.

Except he came back to
claim his share. So you k*lled him.

And you managed to
have a teenager accused instead.

- Ugh.
- Yes, I know it's hard to see.

This is the body found
in the park. With the series

of point-blank shots to
the face, we can't identify him.

But his height, hair color,
everything, matches your first husband.

Of course, officially, he's already dead.

You told yourself no one
would make the connection.

- Everything matches except the
blood type, which this says is A-positive.

Eddie was O-negative.
You can check.

I don't know who this
man is, but it's not Eddie.

I didn't k*ll him, sorry.

- You okay, Commissioner?

- Meh.

I'm sorry for what I
said to you yesterday.

I know you did
everything you could.

- Yeah, at the same time,
you can't say I was brilliant.

I already said the second
husband was the dead one.

Well, he wasn't dead, huh?

Then I said it was the first, but
he wasn't the right blood type.

So no, honestly, let's
not lie to each other,

I was well below my usual level.

No, what pisses me off is
that it's happening on a case

where your son is
the prime suspect.

But in my defense, that woman
really does have a type of guy.

She only marries blondes who are 6 foot.

She wants us to mix them up.

- Yeah, looks like bad luck.

- Well no...
MORGANE'S GEARS SPIN

Oh... Oh jeez!

LAUGHING
Okay- hoo! I take back everything
I said. I'm brilliant. I'm brilliant!

DOORBELL, PERSISTENT

EVA: I'm coming!

- Hello!

- Is this a joke?

- Ah. Oh! Yannick le Bihan.

Wooo! I have the impression you
were about to celebrate something, right?

Heh. 'Yannick le Bihan.' If
that's not a Breton name, what is?

Proud of your origins, huh?
- I guess so, yes.

- Well of course! Hey, your
'100% Breton' t-shirt on your profile?

And there in the kitchen, all the posters?

And above all, sorry,
the traditional Breton bowl

with his little name written on it

- Sorry, but this is crazy talk.
- So, it turns out that

- So, it turns out that

I had a little affair,
I don't even know why—

—I say 'little,' I'm minimizing
it by saying 'little' affair—

no, no, I'm sorry, it wasn't a little
affair, we still have a child together.

It's a- I mean, we're bound
for life— for life and death!

CELINE: Morgane?
- Yes? Yes?

In other words, it wasn't a little affair.
- No, no no.

- Well, I had an affair with a Breton,
you see. Extreme regional pride.

I'll tell you, the guy, if there's
one thing he doesn't joke about,

it's salted butter!
- Ha!

- Well, you won't make him
eat unsalted butter, will you?

That's the Bretons!
Why am I telling you this...

To understand that other time,

when we came to see
you, do you remember?

You were making yourself a little tart.

And what were you slathering on?

Sweet butter, I say!
- What's going on?

To me it's a no-brainer!
I say to myself,

'Hey hey hey hey,
Yannick isn't that Breton,' huh?

Am I right or aren't I?
You aren't Breton, Yannick le Bihan!

And I'll tell you, you're
not even Yannick Le Bihan.

BOTH: Ha!
- No!

You're Eddie, Eva's first husband! Ta-da!

- You'll have to elaborate
a little, Morgane.

- Yeah, I'll give you the lowdown, guys.

So: Eddie and Eva, the terrible lovers,

staged Eddie's drowning
to collect the life insurance.

Only...

To collect the insurance,
well, you have to die!

And once you're dead, how do
you use your money? It's stupid!

- This is where the second
part of the plan comes in—

RASPY VOICE
- Yeah!

—find a new identity for
Eddie to bring him back to life.

So you target a guy on the internet

who looks like him
perfectly: age, height, hair.

Single
No Kids.

- 'I like solitude and quiet,
okay to change region.'

- Poor guy, no ties,
no one would worry about him

when he loses touch.
And you seduce him!

- You k*ll him!
- And he takes his place.

- And all we have to do
to prove we're right...

CELINE: Is check your blood type. Ha!

BOTH:
Eyah! Ha! A-yuh!

THEY HOWL

EMBARRASSED
- Ahem.

Yeah!

- We tried, my love.

BOTH: To you.

MORGANE: It's almost moving.

How are you?
They didn't treat you too badly?
Did you eat well?

- No, honestly, it was
great. I made friends

in the cell, I even
got their numbers.

No, I'm joking, Mom.

- I don't see what's funny.

Don't think you're off
the hook about the joint thing.

What would make you happy?
What would you like to eat?

- I dunno. Goodbye, huh?

GILLES AND ADAM:
- Bye, Matteo.

- Daphné?
- Yes?

I have to go to daycare. Could you
file this report for me, please?

- No problem!
- Thanks.

- You saw?
GILLES: Who?

- Oh, the Commander,
how he devours me with his eyes.

- Well, no. No.

- Well obviously, since
the Commissioner's party.

He constantly undresses me with his eyes.

And I'm not even talking about
Benzaoui's smutty comments.

- Ah, I understand why
all the girls at the station

feel obliged to sleep with the guys
here, they're obsessed, you know?

- Oh yeah?
I don't understand.

- Yeah, you're the only one who
hasn't changed your view of me.

Yeah. I'm very lucky
to have a friend like you.

- Morgane, it's me. I just
picked Léo up from daycare,

I got yelled at again because
he doesn't have any clean clothes.

So for the umpteenth time, the rule is

a change of pants or onesie!

And don't bother telling me
you have electrical problems,

there are laundromats!

VOICEMAIL
- Yes, Commander, Judge Lafolet here.

Ms Alvaro didn't call me back regarding

the electrocution of Laëtitia Pasco.

Could you please make
sure she got my messages?

Please don't hesitate
to call me back. Thank you.

- Yes, Morgane, me again. I just had

a message from the judge.
She's trying to contact you.

So, 1) I'm not your secretary.
2) You call her back. Okay?

Unless you have a phone outage
in addition to your electricity outage.

ADAM'S GEARS SPIN

. . .

BREATHY
- Karadec, I have a big electrical problem.

- It was so electric
between them. So electric.

LAFOLET:
- Ms Alvaro didn't call me back regarding

the electrocution of Laëtitia Pasco.

KNOCKS

Good evening, Judge.
Can you spare me a moment?

- Commander! Yes of
course, what's going on?
PEN CLICKS

- I wanted to tell you
as soon as possible.

I'm afraid I made a mistake in my

declaration the other day.

- Oh.
- When you asked me about

my schedule on
Thursday, I told you that

I stayed all evening with my son

because his mother forgot him at daycare.

And actually I checked again,
that was from the day before.

- Mmm.

On Thursday she brought
him on time as planned.

We even had a bite
to eat together afterward.

Well, I...
I wanted to tell you,

in case it might be
important to your investigation.

- All right.
- Yeah, I- I'm sorry.

So you spent the
evening with Morgan Alvaro?

- Absolutely.

- That's exactly what you're telling me?

- Yes.
LAFOLET: Hmm.

Well all right! We'll record all this.

Clerk, will you swear in the
commander and take his statement?

RAIN

You do realize that guy
called me a m*rder*r?

A m*rder*r! And all
because I talked to him for like

two minutes about
some girl blackmailing me?

- Fine! Anyway!

ELIOTT: Yeah. No, clearly it's not cool.

- 'It's not cool'? No, it's not cool,
it's downright scandalous, actually!

THÉA: It's too much, as if you're
the type to electrocute people.

HE COUGHS

MORGANE: What?
- Uh...

ELIOTT AND THÉA MUMBLE,
COUGH NERVOUSLY

MORGANE: What, Théa?
- It's just an example,

to illustrate what I'm saying.

- What are you talking about?
Electrocute who? What?

MORGANE:
And the last thing I need today

from you all is to be
electrocuted! Understand?

(Oh f*ck.)

- It's him, it's him who
had the idea of ​​not telling you!

- What are you talking about?
You're the one who told me to be quiet!

- You're a big liar!

- What, that's nonsense,
you said to be quiet.

CROSSTALK
MOBILE RINGING

- Quiet! Quiet! It's a 07 number,
that's the judge calling back, shut up!

Shut up!
- What do we do? What do we do?

- I'll handle it, okay? Shut up.

. . .

Yes, hello?

Ah, yes. Uh, that's right. Yes. Yes.

- (Come on!)

MORGANE: What do you
mean I've been summoned?

What date?

I'll be there, fine.

Yes, thank you.

THÉA: Is it all right?

Is it serious?

- Uh, no, it's about my exam, I...

I passed the written exam,
so I'm eligible for the oral exam.

THUNDER

- There you go, sign there.
ADAM: Thanks.

LAFOLET: Perfect.
PEN CLICKS

I'll add your statement to the file.

- Very good.

I won't bother you any longer. Thank you.

- No! It's I who thank
you for your diligence.

Good evening.
ADAM: Good evening.

- Oh, by the way!

- Yes?

- Don't worry about your ex-girlfriend.

She's not accused of anything.

LAFOLET: Morgane Alvaro.
- Yes.

- It's because you were
afraid she was involved in this

that you just lied
to me under oath, right?

- I didn't lie to you.
- W-...

Since Ms Alvaro didn't call me back,

I made a few calls about her.

And picture this, on the evening
of the tragedy she was in Calais.

Taking the written portion
of the police exam.

So obviously, it's your word
against that of the other witnesses.

But in this case,
there are forty of them.

Cmdr Karadec, I hate being lied to.

If you were a civilian, that would
already bother me a lot, but...

but coming from a commander
in the PJ, you'll understand that

this kind of conduct may seem to me...

frankly, problematic.

Please sit back down.