03x03 - Uber but on Horseback

[bunniefuu]

- [Sam] Tonight, unaware he
has a terrible podium allergy,

it's Brennan Lee Mulligan.

- So excited to be here, Sam! What's up...

- [Sam] Discreetly paying
tribute to the Illuminati,

it's Jacob Wysocki.

- Wow, season three.
What a true, true honor.

It is so nice to see everybody.

How's everybody doing out there, huh? Woo!

- [Sam] And daring the
sn*pers to take a shot,

it's Lou Wilson.

- Hey, good day, everyone.
Here I am, right in the open.

Right here. Not even moving.

Give it a shot, m*therf*cker!

- They're all here to...
- Make some noise!

[cheerful music]

- Welcome to "Make Some Noise",

the game so good we spun it off unchanged.

I am your host, Sam Reich.
Here's how the show works.

I have here a series of
improvisational prompts

our players have never seen before.

Isn't that right, players?

- Here's the thing about this bit.

We do it every season,

and I feel like people at
home don't get the bit.

If I had a box, and
you couldn't see in it,

and I said, "Have you seen
the thing in this box before?"

You'd be crazy to say no!
- No!

- No?

- Yes, the prompts are all

future "Dimension 20" season titles.

- Oh.

- They will, to the best of their ability,

fulfill those prompts,

I will award them corresponding points,

and the winner will go home
with the coveted golden ear.

- It's very gold this season.
- Yes, it's very shiny.

Which is missing a giant AirPod,

if anyone's seen one lying around.

Players, are you ready to rumble?

- Woo!
- Let's do it.

- Come on!
- [Sam] First up,

a little warmup game to whet your palates.

This is a little game we like
to call Take Some Direction.

How it works is, players,
I'm going to give you

a line of dialogue-
- Great.

- ...to repeat over and
over and over again.

As you do, I'm going to
be giving you direction,

micro-adjustments, if you will,

to incorporate into your performances.

Does that make sense?
- Yeah.

- Your line is, "Keep the
change, ya filthy animal."

Brennan, we'll start
with you. No direction.

Take it away whenever you're ready.

[with irregular intonation]
- Keep the change, you filthy animal.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- Was that really-

- That's my neutral. Is that bad?

- [Sam] Jake, give me a little bit more.

[nasal and high-pitched]
- Keep the change, you filthy animals!

- Lou, give me a little bit more.

[very high-pitched]
- Listen here!

Keep the change, you filthy animals!

- Brennan, politely.

- Someone's gotta keep the change,

and if you want it to be me,

I'd be happy to keep the change.

But my understanding of
what we were asked to do

is make sure that a filthy animal had it.

[Sam laughing]

If you feel that that
describes you, I would love,

if that were to happen
to be you, to do that.

- Jake, under your breath.

- Keep the change, you filthy animal.

- [Sam] Lou, on an inhale
instead of an exhale.

[Lou exhales]

- Keep the change, you filthy animal.

- There it is!
- There it is!

- Brennan, like a sweet wittle baby.

[Brennan babbling like
a sweet wittle baby]

Jake, like it's the secret
code to a speakeasy.

[Jacob knocks on the podium]

- Keep the change, you filthy animal.

- [Sam] Lou, to your beloved pet.

- Aw! [babbling adoringly]

Keep the change, you filthy animal!

I don't have a pet, so.
[everyone laughing]

- Brennan, like a sweetie
wittle baby who needs his baba.

[crew laughing]

- Give me my f*cking baba.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- Jake, like it's code for, "I'm DTF."

- Yeah, keep the change.

Keep the change, you filthy
animal. Whatever you want.

- Lou, like a heckler at a comedy club.

- Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Keep the change, you filthy animal!

Me, dude.

- Brennan, like the sweetest,
widdlest widdle baby

with a poopy-oopy diaper.

[imitates baby cries]

- I don't care how sweet the baby is.

If it has a poopy-oopy diaper, it's upset.

- Yeah.
[Brennan crying]

- Keep the change, you filthy animal!

I still need my baba!

It's unclear if we're
building on the last prompt!

- Jake, as a WWE entrance line.

- About $8,000 worth of pyrotechnics.

[imitates expl*si*n]

Keep the change, you filthy animal!

Yeah!

[everyone laughing]

- And finally, Lou, shouting
over your flamethrower.

- Keep the change, you filthy animals!

- And that is a minigame.
Bravo, gentlemen.

Way to warm.
[jazzy music]

That brings us to round one. Brennan.

- Let's go.
- [Sam] Almost performing,

and then asking for clarification
on this prompt five times.

- Sorry, is this prompt
sort of referencing itself?

- Yes, it's a meta prompt.

- I'm totally fine to do it.

My concern would be that
it's a little bit meta,

just for the first beat of the show.

- I would nonetheless appreciate it

if you would just take a stab at it.

- I want to do this, because
I think it's challenging.

I've noticed for "Make Some Noise"

I tend to get very cerebral prompts.

- Yes, that is true.
- You know what I'm saying?

I don't want anyone to feel lost.

What would it look like
to reference this prompt?

- I think I would probably begin with like

some sort of commentary
about it being a meta prompt.

- Isn't that sort of putting
a hat on a hat, though?

[Sam laughing]
It's already meta.

Are we worried that by
commenting on its meta-ness,

it's like a matryoshka doll?

We're kind of incepting ourselves.

- It would be, if we then
began to comment on commenting

about it being a meta prompt.

- I'm so close to beginning
this prompt, but I do want to...

Do you guys feel like we're going to...

[Brennan gasps]

[Sam and crew laughing]

Jacob knows a secret spot on my neck.

- It calms him down.
- It calms me down!

- It's like a virtual whoosah.
[buzzer buzzing]

- It's like picking up
a dog by the scruff.

- Yeah, I immediately
zen. I immediately go zen.

- Let's say one fifth of a point for you.

- Wow.

- Just, you know, for
all the false starts.

Jacob.

Jacob Wysocki's alter
ego, Jacob Ice Hockey.

- Ooh yes! Yes!
- Finally.

- Tell me I'm the first person to do this.

- Yeah, you're the
first person to do this.

- Hell yeah!

- You're the first person to see Wysocki

and go, "Ice hockey!"
[Sam laughing]

- You need more space?

- Yeah, man. Yeah, man.
- I'm gonna head out.

- Jacob Ice Hockey needs this.

- [Brennan] Oh no!

[Lou cackling]

- Nice to see you, eh?

[Sam and crew laughing]

You want to go smoke some yute?

I'm sick to my stomachs, fam.

Nice to see everybody.
Thanks for being here.

That's it for me.

[crew laughing loudly]

Oh, and don't forget!

My last name, Ice Hockey.

- I can't fault you there.
[buzzer buzzing]

I can't fault you there, Jake.

- Thank you for the space.
- You needed it!

- It wouldn't have happened.

- Two tickets to Jacob Ice
Hockey on ice for you, Jake.

Lou.

- You got something for me, Sam?

- Let's make that a thing.

- I feel like I'm trying
out catchphrases today.

- Yeah, do it!

Five laughs, each a little
wealthier than the last.

[Lou chuckles]

[Lou laughs deeply]

[Brennan laughs]

- [Sam] Yeah, a little bit.

[Lou chortles]

[Sam laughs]

[Lou guffaws like a cartoonish rich man]

[Lou cackles like a wealthy supervillain]

That last one was a sadistic billionaire.

- Of course.
- Yeah, Lou.

Let's say a Lou Wilson
net worth Google search

amount of points for you.
- Ooo!

- Those are always correct.

- Brennan.
- Yeah-huh?

- What's in the 'Elon Musk'
at a New York City deli?

- For people that don't know,

there's a lot of famous New York delis

that have sandwiches named
after people that were either

the famous sandwich that they
ordered, or what they loved.

Elon Musk is the latest in
a long line of technocrats

who offer absolutely nothing to society.

They posture as inventors and visionaries.

- This is the second time you've taken

what I thought was going to be a bit

and just gone off on the monologue.

- Let's pretend it says, "A New York guy-

- Sure, yes.

- ...describing what's in the Elon Musk."

[New York accent]
Hey, welcome to the New York deli.

- Hey! We're back at the show!

- How we doin'? You want an Elon Musk?

Great, that's a foot long semolina

with an absolutely cratering Tesla stock

in the middle, okay?
[Sam laughs]

And then we smear that with an aioli,

which is just a fancy mayonnaise,

and then on top of that, we put a person

[drops accent] who's being poisoned
mentally by the social media company

that they bought, and should not have,

who is radically becoming
basically a neo-n*zi

in front of all of our eyes.
- We lost the character.

[accent returns]
- No, no! And we got some gabagool!

We got some gabagool, and
we put it on. Molto bene!

♪ This is the night ♪

- Yeah, can we get one of those,

but without the Tesla stock?

- But you do want the
rapid descent into fascism?

- Yes.
- [Brennan] Okay, you got it.

♪ Makin' the sandwich,
makin' the sandwich ♪

[buzzer buzzing]

- I love, "Makin' a sandwich."

♪ Makin' a sandwich, makin' a sandwich ♪

- Eight points on soggy
wet bread for you, Brennan.

- Wow. Thank you.

- Jacob.
- One quick sip.

- You may need it.

Tonight's DJ set, Prospector
Bugaboo's Electric Jamboree.

[Jacob whistling cheerily]

- I'm warming up. [whooping]
[Sam laughing]

[Imitating a record playing a hog call]
- Sooie, sooie, sooie, sooie sooie

Sooie!

You know you got that...

You got that...

You know you got that...

You got that good, good gold!

You got that, you got that,
you got that good, good gold!

And don't forget, you're at

[imitates a record slowing down]
Bugaboo's Electric Jamboree!

[Sam laughing]

Giddy-on, giddy-on, giddy-on,
giddy-on my big one.

Giddy-on my big one. Big, big, big!

[Jacob scatting]
[Sam laughing]

[rhythmic scatting]

[scatting continues]

- [Jacob] Where's your claim?

Chinese guy selling shovels.

[Sam laughing]

[buzzer buzzing]
[crew cheering]

- [Sam] I like that a lot, Jake.

- I jumped in on the jug.
- [Sam] Way to go.

- That was great, that was great.

- I jumped in on the jug.
- I think that was perfect.

- I think that's exactly it.

- Yeah, let's say what
looks like 30 points,

but is actually 30 fools
worth of points for you.

Last prompt of round one. Lou.

- Now Sam, I told you
not to come around here

without no prompt.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- [Sam] Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
- I'm trying catchphrases!

- Oh, you're trying catchphrases.

- He's digging in on those
catchphrases, for sure.

- My bad.

- [Sam] Your problematic
grandpa comes full circle

[Brennan chortles]

on a single specific issue.

- Jason, can I ask you something?

Jason, I've been seeing how the
kids these days, they're uh,

you guys are going to non-alcoholic bars?

[Brennan and crew laughing]

The hell is that?

You want to have a drink,

but you don't want to have a drink,

but you want to have a drink?

I don't understand.
[Sam laughing]

I mean, back in the day, you
go to a bar, you meet a girl,

you take her home, you
do a little something,

you get a little married, and
you have a beautiful life.

I mean, what are you doing,
turning bars into places

where people can commune and, what,

enjoy each other's company?

Have a long chat?

[Brennan chortles]

And not rely on the dark liquor

[Everyone laughing]

to lubricate social interaction?

You're telling me you find
out who your real friends are,

and who your fake friends are
that you can only tolerate

when you're drunk out of your mind?

[sadly] You're just with your
friends, like when you were young?

Jason, can we go to one of
these non-alcoholic bars?

[buzzer buzzing]

- [Sam] Oh, I love Grandpa!
- Beautiful.

- An old dog learning new
tricks amount of points

for you, Lou.
- Wow.

[cheerful music]

- That brings us to our second minigame.

This is a little game we like to call

Now "That's What I Call".

In this case, masturbation.

Players, I am going to give
you a series of locations,

contexts, regions, if you will.

You buzz in and let me know
what masturbation is called,

a nickname for it, in said location.

Does that make sense?
- Nasty. So nasty.

- First off, Portland, Oregon.

[Sam laughing]

[buzzer dings]

Eyes on Lou. Lou!

- Organic reclamation.

- Ooh!
- Wow.

- That's gonna be tough to beat.

[buzzer dings]
♪ Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪

Again, that's my buzzer sound.

- Oh my god, Jake.
- [Jacob] That is not-

[Brennan laughs]

- Of course, now I will say what it is.

- Yes.
- It's the city of bridges,

which of course, I mean, is a frenulum.

- I like that, Jake. I see
what you did there, too.

- It's a big thinker.
- I just keep thinking,

how do I combine a penny-farthing bicycle-

[Lou laughs]
[buzzer dings]

♪ Ba-du-ba-du-bwee ♪

- Jacob.

- Portland, Orgasm.
- Woo!

- You know what? Great.

I am going to say this one goes to Lou.

- And thank god, 'cause Brennan
put his hand on the buzzer,

like he'd finally conquered

penny-farthings and masturbation.

- [Sam] The mad scientist did it.

Next up, a dorm shower.

[buzzer dings]

♪ Bi-di-di-di-di-di-dee-di-di ♪

- Jake.
- The fungus ruckus.

[Sam chuckles]

- I like it. Brennan.
[buzzer dings]

- The least gross thing that happens here.

- Yeah, yeah.

Let's say that one goes to Brennan.

- [Sam] Next up, a sperm bank.

[buzzer dings]
Brennan.

- Making a deposit.
- Absolutely, we do.

- Really good.
[buzzer dings]

- Lou.

- A deeply caring and thoughtful act.

[Brennan and crew laughing]

- A little side hustle there, Lou?

- Please guys, come on down.
[Sam laughing]

[buzzer dings]

♪ Bi-du-di-du-dwee-do-du-du ♪

- Jacob.
- A whale of a good time.

[Brennan laughing]

- Let's say that one
goes to Lou once more.

- [Sam] Next up, back
in your grandpa's day.

[buzzer dings]
Brennan.

- Fighting the Kaiser.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- That one really got me. Lou.
[buzzer dings]

- Going back around to
say hello to Vinny Spigot.

[Brennan laughing]

- Who's that?!

- Somebody from your grandpa's day.

[buzzer dings]
- [Sam] Brennan.

- A Protestant thunderstorm.
[Sam and crew laughing]

- I feel like you could
do this one for a while.

- This is right in my lane.
[Sam laughs]

This is right in my wheelhouse.

[buzzer dings]

♪ Doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo ♪

- [Sam] Jacob.
- World w*r Me!

[Brennan and crew laughing]

[Sam laughing]

I needed that inspiration,
though. You inspired that.

- It's also because it implies

that this guy's having a really hard time.

[Sam and crew laughing]

I'm gonna need about a whole
day to get this job done!

- Self love can be a
b*ttlefield of its own.

- Let's say that point goes to Brennan.

Next up, a priest's confessional.

[buzzer dings]

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-dwee-doo-doo-doo ♪

- Jake.
- Guilty pleasure.

- Ooh, elegant.
[buzzer dings]

Brennan.
- Tran-c*m-stantiation.

Tran-c*m-stantiation!

[Sam laughs]

- I was about to repeat it on your behalf.

- Do you see what I did?

I put the word c*m in transubstantiation.

[buzzer dings]

- [Sam] Lou.
- [groaning] Our Father!

[Brennan and crew laughing]

[Brennan yelps]

- Let's say this one goes
to Brennan once more,

for tran-c*m-stantiation.
- Would've given it to you.

I would've given it to Lou.
- Last one.

Jane Goodall's field notes.

- Wait, this prompt is asking us,

in Jane Goodall's field notes-
- Yes.

- ...how she describes masturbation?

- Yeah, that's correct.
- I love this prompt.

[everyone laughs]

I don't have one coming to me immediately,

but I'm like, what would-
[buzzer dings]

No, sh*t! sh*t, no!

- This is canon! This is on the record!

- No!
- Five, four, three, two, one!

[Jacob mimics buzzer buzzing]

- The first elimination
from "Make Some Noise"!

You can no longer play! Get
in your car and go home!

- Lou, so sorry. So sorry, man.

- [Brennan] Wow! Wow.
- [Sam] I'm so sorry, Lou.

- Hey, thank you so much, Sam.
- [Sam] Yeah, you too, man.

- Appreciate the opportunity.
- Here's the wild thing.

Lou isn't allowed on any
Dropout projects anymore.

- Until he fights his way back

to the tournament at the end of the year?

- I heard that.
- Sick!

- I heard that.
- I heard that.

- The bit's over?
- Yeah.

[buzzer dings]
- Brennan.

- Bonobo special.

Bonobos are actually

our most closely related primate species-

- Brennan, it's not the extra credit show!

I got places to be! Lou.
[buzzer dings]

- Monkey business.
- Woo!

[Sam chuckles]

sh*t.

- Jane, you dog!
- That's what I call it.

[buzzer dings]

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-dwee-doo-doo ♪

- Jake.

- We observe the young teen
monkeys peeling their bananas.

[everyone laughing]

- I like the additional
worldbuilding there.

[buzzer dings]
Brennan.

- The discovery of tool use.

- Oh!

- Brennan! That one
goes to you once again.

And that is a minigame.
- Dr. Goodall.

- [Sam] Damn!
- Hey, this is for you, Jane.

- Thinking about you, girl.
- Yeah, girl.

[Sam and crew laughing]

[cheerful music]

- That brings us to round
two, where our players

will now test their
talents in teams of twos.

[Brennan chortles]

Brennan.
- Yes.

- Jacob.
- Ah!

- Two guys from Brooklyn's
fight turned meet-cute.

[Brooklyn accents] - Hey, hey, hey,
hey! Man, the guy said you're gone!

That's it! You and your friends-

- I f*cking basically live there!

- Oh, yeah-

- I f*cking live in there, basically!

- Then why does Nicole not
know who you f*cking are?

- She's brand f*cking new!
- Hey, come on, man!

- And she lives in Staten Island!

- You think 'cause
you're f*cking handsome,

you can do whatever you want?
- Yeah, I can!

I got a leather jacket,
there's studs on it,

and my boots are made of snakes!

- Mister big d*ck with
the big, beautiful d*ck.

- Yes, it's huge! Could you handle it?

- There's only one way to
find out, m*therf*cker!

[Sam and crew laughing]

- I like the way you f*cking smell.

[Sam and crew laughing]

You smell like that sh*t whales make.

- Ambergris, baby boy.

- Did you go to college?

- A little bit.

You have a fire in your
heart, and it burns bright,

and it motivates great passions,

and life is nothing
without its great passions.

- You know, this is really
awesome, but the tough thing is,

I'm actually moving to
Los Angeles tomorrow.

[crew laughs]

- I don't know if I even believe in love.

[Sam laughing]

- I've never felt this
way in my entire life.

- Never felt this way my entire life.

- I feel like I've only felt like

cold in a microwave.

- And if all we have is tonight,

I got a bag of coke in my jacket.

- And I got poppers in mine.

[buzzer buzzing]
[Sam laughing]

[crew cheering]

- Never seen a cleaner
Brennan set up than,

"That stuff that whales make."

[Brennan laughs]

He's gonna know.

- Two points, a point hitting you

and you hitting the ground.

Jacob.
- Hi.

- And Lou.

- Now Sam, don't you come
'round here with no prompt.

- Don't you come 'round
here with no prompt?

- Now Sam, don't you not come
'round here with no prompt.

- It's working.

- I'll be honest, I
doubted it. It's working.

- Uber, but on horseback.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- Are you Kevin?
- Brian?

- Okay, yeah, it says bronco.

[Sam laughing]

Do you mind if I put my
hand on your shoulder?

- Absolutely not. That's the only way up.

- Thank you.
[Sam and crew laughing]

- You're not allergic to sh*t, are you?

- Allergic to sh*t?

- Yeah, are you allergic to sh*t or hay?

- No, I don't have any
sh*t or hay allergies.

- Then hold on tight, baby.

- Is this new?
- No, its very, very old.

[Sam and crew laughing]

Four-way stop. I hate these.
- Oh yeah.

- Go ahead. Go ahead.

So what are you doing tonight?

- I'm going on a first date with a girl.

We met on Hinge. Do you know Hinge?

- I think so. It's what goes in a door.

[Brennan and Sam chuckling]

- It's a dating app, but yeah,

she's in tech and I'm in tech-
- Well, if it goes wrong,

I could hang outside and you
could signal me with smoke.

I could rush in and, you know,

kind of save the date if it's going bad.

- Is that extra, or is that-
- Hold on.

- Oh sh*t.
- Sorry, I gotta

put some gas in the engine.
- I'm dizzy!

[Sam and crew laughing]

- I'm not gonna get
charged for this, am I?

- Well, it depends what the app says.

I make no f*cking money on this!

By the time I pay for carrots,

[Sam laughing]

and the time I get my leather conditioned,

I'm actually losing money doing this.

- Yeah. Totally, dude.
- So a tip would be awesome!

[Sam laughing]

- Hey, I'm just gonna
kind of put on headphones,

if that's okay.
[buzzer buzzing]

- I will cut you off there. Holy sh*t.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- [Sam] But I'm really a musician!

[Jacob laughing]

Two points in a one horse
town for the both of you.

Lou.
- Now, Sam.

Don't you come around
here not having no prompt.

- And Brennan.

- It's not never the wrong
time to have had not...

You didn't have a prompt for-

- [Sam] An audiobook
concludes, and the other guy,

who's there to say, "This has
been," really goes for it.

- And so we are borne back,
boats against the current,

ceaselessly into the past,

left only to navigate

this last
[Sam and crew laughing]

dream of dreams.

Regarding the house that
our actions have built,

[Sam and crew continue laughing]

Nicholas turned to look one last time

at the billboard over the freeway,

the eyes of Dr. Eckleberg looking down.

He gazed at the manor and the
green light across the bay

and said,

"This time,

this time,

I choose a different path."
[Lou panting hungrily]

The end.

- This has been

an audiobook presentation

by Penguin Books, m*therf*cker!

[everyone laughing]

I'm @LionelCulvert. You
can find me on Instagram.

[Sam laughing]

It has been a pleasure. Shout
out to my man, he was great.

You were great.
[Sam laughs]

Dude,

[buzzer buzzing]
We need to hang out!

- I love that. Oh sh*t,
those warmup moves.

- Let me at 'em, dog.

- Five audio points,
which are just points,

but they're easier to read.

- Sam, you don't get
enough credit for those.

They're great, man.

- He's just trying to
get back on the show.

- I know.

- Come on, Sam, let me massage you!

- Please!

- Brennan.

- Yes.
- And Jacob.

You just don't say anything.

- Sometimes less is more.

- I think it's a power move. I like it.

- Wow.
- Oh sh*t.

- The best and worst person
to sit next to on an airplane.

- I think I'm at the window.
- Oh yeah, of course.

[Brennan shrieks]

I'm gonna go to the bathroom, sorry.

[Sam and crew laughs]

- Hey, hey. I've got some wet wipes, here.

- Oh, thank you so much.
- Yeah. Keep them.

- Hey, I got some wet wipes.

[Sam and crew laughing]

I'm bad!
[laughter continues]

- I'm gonna pray for the plane.

Dear god, just get everybody
where they're going safe,

and if anything bad happens,

let me and everyone else survive.

- I'm gonna pack these paper
straws full of cayenne powder

and go [exhales sharply]
spray it in babies' faces.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- Hey, would anyone like a
pre-flight drink? Soda, water?

- I have my own bottle of rubbing alcohol.

- Okay, and-

- I heard it was your birthday.

- It is.

- Here, I carry chocolates around

just in case it's somebody's birthday.

It's from Sweden. It's a family thing.

- Oh my god, thank you so
much. I appreciate that.

- Do you guys like Gavin DeGraw?

[Sam laughing]

♪ I don't want to be ♪

♪ Anything other than what
I've been trying to be lately ♪

- Sir, I'm going to have to
ask you to put on headphones.

- I have an extra pair.

- What if I do this?

Somewhere up there in those seats.

- And I will cut this off.
[buzzer buzzing]

That sounds like a good last beat to me.

Let's say points that stand up

when the airplane comes to
a stop for the both of you.

Jacob and Lou.

- Now Sam, don't you come around
here with not having no...

[crew laughing]

- [Sam] What parents
imagine happens to a bully

when you say the 'sticks
and stones' thing.

- Hey, where's my lunch money, huh?

You little squid!

Go back to the ocean, you little squid!

- Hey, I'm gonna give you
one opportunity to apologize.

- You're not gonna give me anything

but your lunch money, squid!

Or I'm gonna put you down the toilet,

so you could get a
little bit of that water

that you love so much!

- Stick and stones may break my bones,

and I will break yours!

[Jacob screaming powerfully]
[Lou screaming in pain]

[Lou screeching like a
man being torn asunder]

[Jacob screaming]

[Lou whimpering]

Stay in your bed and drown!

When are we gonna learn about dinosaurs?

[crew laughing]

[buzzer buzzing]

- Jesus Christ! Full
telekinesis, oh my god!

- I blacked out.
[Brennan laughs]

- Points equal to the amount of times

words have hurt me to the both of you.

Last prompt of round two, Lou.

- Now Sam, don't you come around
here not having no prompt.

- And Brennan.
- Come as you are.

- All of Grandpa's stories

somehow involve a guy named Chorizo Joe.

- What's up, Gramps?
- Hi there, kiddo.

I know it's a sad day.
- Yeah.

- But, you know, your
father was such a good man.

My son.

- Mm-hm.
[Sam laughs]

- You've done such a good job,

and I know that you're taking
care of everybody else here,

and taking care of your sisters.

- I'm doing what I can, yeah.

- You know, it's funny.

Your dad once told me way back,

he was about 12 or 13 years old,

and he came to me and he said,

"Pappy, if I catch you stealing horses

with Chorizo Joe one more time,
I'm gonna call the sheriff,

and we're gonna kick him out of the shed!"

[Lou chuckles]
- That's funny.

- Chorizo Joe was living
in the shed at the time.

[Sam and crew laugh]

Your dad, that was who he was, you know?

He stood up for what he believed in.

- 100%.
- Not like Chorizo Joe.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- What was Dad like as a
kid? You know, it's funny

he never told me those
stories, kind of, growing up.

- Did he never tell you how
he actually got that scar?

- No!

- Chorizo Joe kicked
him as hard as he could,

[Sam and crew laughing]
right in the head.

- Grandpa, who is Chorizo Joe?

[Jacob blows a raspberry]

- g*dd*mn!

[Sam laughing]

g*dd*mn!

[gruffly]
- Is it too late to pay my respects?

- Oh, Chorizo. You slimy son of a b*tch.

Chorizo, this is Paul's son, David.

- Hey, it's nice to meet you.

- Your dad was one of 'em.
- Your dad was one of 'em!

- What is this on my hand?
- Chorizo!

[buzzer buzzing]

- I think I'll cut this off there.



[cheerful music]

That brings us to our
third and final minigame.

This is a minigame we like
to call "Vent It Out".

How it works is, players, I
am going to give each of you

something to rant and rave about.

- Ooh, Sam!
[Jacob clears his throat]

- I'm going to call on
each of you by name.

You are only allowed to rant
and rave when it is your turn.

Your rant and rave must pick up

exactly where your fellow
player's rant and rave left off.

Brennan.
- Yes.

- Drug store items behind plastic guards.

- Essentially, we have decided

that we cannot trust our fellow citizens.

When you take something as
simple as, I don't know,

a shampoo, and you put it
behind a plastic guard,

what you are communicating
to your customers-

- Stop, and Lou.

- ...is that I think you are the other,

come here to my drug store to
invade like the Mongolians-

[Lou stammering]

- Stop! Jacob!

- k*lling thousands and
thousands of people.

But in fact, that's not the same crime.

- Stop. Brennan.

- We spend more in this country-

- Stop. Jacob.

- ...on sex and missiles

[everyone laughing]

than we do protecting our people!

- And next topic!

Let's begin with Lou, that pets die.

- We gotta figure this out,
guys. We gotta figure this out.

My heart is gigantic,

and I am eager to give
it to so many things,

yet as long as we continue
to allow pets to die, I-

- Stop, and Jacob.

- I won't rest. We need to
get to the bottom of it.

I don't want humans to live longer.

Let's stop oncological
studies. Let's stop it.

Let's get pets living
longer, because the heart-

- Stop, and Brennan.

- ...of a pet is the heart of a family,

and our understanding of
purpose and meaning in life

is not rooted in a selfish, hedonistic,

first person perspective.

It's rooted in meaning.

Where does meaning come from?

Our connection to the
living things around us.

By having a cat-
- Stop. Lou.

- ...or a dog, I am
investing all of my life's

worth and meaning into
that vessel, all right?

And you're telling me that it
just breaks after 10 years?

Build a better box! Okay?
- And we will move on.

Jacob, let's start with you.
The lack of third spaces.

- Why has our life been taken
down to so little things?

Work and home. Can't there
be somewhere else, baby?

[Sam and Brennan laughing]

A bar, a park-
- [Sam] Stop. Brennan.

- A park with a bar in it.
[Sam laughing]

A bowling alley with a bar
that you find in a park, folks-

- Stop. Lou.

- We need more bar parks
or bowl bars, all right?

Where you get to be yourself!

Where you get to express and allow-

- Stop. Jacob.

- ...copious amounts
of booze in your mouth!

You can drink in the sky.

Why can't we drink everywhere we go?

Get rid of brown bags. Let
the third space be a Miller-

- Stop. Brennan.

- ...High Life.
- Thank you!

- I'm right there with you,
baby. I'm right there with you.

- Let's move on. Let's
start with Lou once more.

That men don't get flowers.

- Y'all know I'm upset.
[everyone laughs]

Y'all know I'm mad.

I'm tired of watches.

I'm tired of tie clips.

- Stop. Brennan.
- I'm 36 years old.

I promise you, I got the
things I need for myself.

What I don't have are perishable,
consumable things that,

in their ephemeralness,
give beauty to my life.

Would it k*ll you to get
me a f*cking bouquet?

I just want to feel-
- Stop. Jacob.

- ...something.

[Sam, Brennan, and crew laughs]

Anything.

And I don't want it to be
when I'm gone in a casket.

I want to know it now,
and I'm not playing games.

I've been to the-
- Stop. Lou.

- ...the mountaintop.

[Jacob laughing]

I've been there, I've seen what they have,

and what I want is something small.

- Stop. Brennan.
- As small as a daisy.

As small as a peony.

As small as-
- Stop. Jacob.

- My mental health!

- And I will cut this off
there. Last one, Brennan.

That Daniel Day-Lewis is
so choosy about his roles.

- I guess it would've been
awesome for Michelangelo

to be like, "Oh, I can't
do the Sistine Chapel,

I have to be in the west of
Ireland f*cking jerking off."

[Sam laughs]

Make more movies, dog! f*cking do it!

You're so talented!

I think about Bill the Butcher every day,

and you're out here being
like, "Well, as an actor-

- Stop. Lou.

- ...I have to be particular!
There are only so many roles!"

f*ck that!

I want you to be in "The
Guardians of the Galaxy!"

I want you to be Rocket Raccoon!

- Stop. Jacob.
- Ryan Reynolds, gone!

John Cena, gone!

The guy who voiced Mario
whose name I won't say

'cause he's that bad, gone!
- Stop. Brennan.

- I know you were great
in "Phantom Thread".

I can't watch it

because it doesn't have
f*cking swords in it!

If you had been Aragorn,

if you had been f*cking Obi-Wan Kenobi-

- Stop. Jacob.
- I would watch!

I'd tune in!

But instead, I'm not
getting Disney Plus, okay?

I'm out!

Do I have a Dropout subscription? No.

If Daniel Day-Lewis was here,

I'd be paying six hot ones a month!

- And [buzzer buzzing]

I will cut this off
there. That's a minigame.

- I think we might get Daniel Day-Lewis

for the next "Um, Actually".
[cheerful music]

- That brings us to round
three, where our players

will now hold hands and jump
into the abyss together.

- Yeah!
- Whee!

Brennan.
- [indistinct]!

- Jacob. Lou.

- Now don't you come 'round here

with not no havin' no prompt.

- A divorced dad tries to get the kids

excited about his new houseboat.

[Jacob chuckling]
- Who wants it?

[Brennan and Jacob laughing]

- Any of us!

- Any one of us. Everyone knows.

[everyone laughing]

It's like, here's a slice of cake.

Who wants the first bite?

- Maybe you should rock,
paper, scissors for it.

- Winner gets the divorced dad?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Winner gets it.

- [All] Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t!

- Oh, so we both-
- [Sam] Okay, so Jake's out.

- [Brennan] Jake's out.
- f*ck!

- [Both] Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t!

- Bam.
- Divorced dad!

- Brennan's Dad. Here we
go, that's how it works.

That's how we do it here
on "Make Some Noise".

- All right, when can we
take off the blindfolds, Dad?

- Come on! Come on!

- When can we take them off?
- Hey, all right, all right.

Who's ready for summer vacation?

Now, I don't have any life jackets,

so you're gonna hold my hand.

- Why does it smell
like salt and dead fish?

- Are we doing fishing? That's fun!

- Oh, you don't want the
fish in this harbor. No, no.

Kiddos, kiddos, kiddos!

The Anna Marie, she's a
worthy vessel, all right?

She used to be a fishing dinghy.

You guys know what a dinghy is?

[Jacob burps]
[Sam and crew laughing]

- I think David needs to throw up.

- Don't throw up. The
pelicans are gonna swarm.

Don't throw up, don't throw up.

- What?
- Come on, come on.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

I'm trying!

[Sam and crew laughing]

- Okay.
- Okay.

- It's summer vacation.

- Yeah.
- Yeah!

- Don't do that.
- What?

- The bass, the bass
will feel the movement,

and they'll come up.

There's some tarpons. I saw
a kid, he had a dachshund.

That fish, bam, took it out.
It cleared over the bridge.

By the way, a lot of people
throw trash off the bridge.

Okay. Here we go.
- Oh!

- Into the boat, into the boat.

Careful, careful. Hold hands.
- Oh no!

- That's gone, that's gone, that's gone.

- What?

- The shoe's gone.
- Okay.

- Go back to jail.
[Sam laughs]

- You think I haven't asked?
[buzzer buzzing]

You think I haven't
asked to go back to jail?

- Unreal.

- Sad.
- f*cking sad.

- 60 house points to each of you,

which brings us to Brennan.

- Yes.
- Jacob.

- Hi.
- Lou.

♪ Don't you come 'round
here not having no prompt ♪

- An intimacy coordinator for
two boxers about to fight.

- All right, guys. I'm
your intimacy coordinator.

I've been doing this job
for about four months.

I got a certificate online.
[Sam and crew laughing]

- Okay.
- That's all it takes.

It's a rather new job,
so there's some nuances

that you guys might not understand,

so let me explain what we're doing here.

We're gonna talk about
exactly where you're

gonna get touched, how
you're gonna get touched,

and how you prefer to be touched, okay?

Because there will be
touching in this boxing match.

You guys are going to absolutely
obliterate each other,

but we need to make sure
that that's consensual.

[Sam laughing]
- [Jacob] That's my job.

I earned that right, to figure that out,

because I went to a course online.

- I'm a little confused,

because broadly, I consent.
- Yes.

- But I think if we go step by step,

it ruins the boxing match.
- See, that's the thing.

Sometimes two people go into
a scene or a boxing match

and they go, "I'm good
with whatever happens."

And then something happens
that they didn't expect,

and then they're not good with it.

[Sam and crew laughing]
So we want to eliminate that.

- How many times have you
been punched in the face?

- I mean, countless.
- Same. I feel pretty good-

- But let me posit a question.
- [Brennan] Yeah.

- What if you got punched in a face

that made you feel dirty, underpaid,

[Sam laughing]
under-appreciated,

and like you're being taken advantage of?

What if?
- Okay-

- Wouldn't it be nice to avoid

all those hard, tough feelings?

- All right, let's just walk
through a few moves, okay?

- Okay, so can I pitch
what should happen first?

- Okay.

- I think you should touch tongues.

[Sam and crew laughing]

Instead of touching gloves.

Does that feel comfortable,
or does that feel nasty?

- I mean, wildly uncomfortable.

- Yeah, it doesn't make any sense.

- Wildly uncomfortable.

If it's a choice between touching tongues

or getting hit in the face,
I'd rather touch tongues.

- How does that make you feel?

- I mean, I'm open to touching tongues.

- Again, again, I'm 19.

[Sam and crew laughing]

I've never kissed or f*cked,

and I took a course online to be here.

- And cut! Incredible!
[buzzer buzzes]


points for the three of you.

Last prompt of our game.
- What?

- If I could, I would
just double the order.

Double the episode.
- Aren't you in charge?

[everyone laughing]

Is Sam not in charge?

- If not you, who can make this call?

- Exactly!

- Brennan!
- Yuh?

- Jacob, and Lou.

- Now Sam, don't you come 'round
here not having no prompt.

- I like it better and better each time.

- I'm never going to do it again.

[Brennan and Jacob chortle]

- This funeral home is run
like a New York City deli.

[Brooklyn accent]
- Come on up. Who died?

- Grandpa.
- Cremated or coffin?

- Can we do coffin?
- Satin, silk?

- Satin.

- Buried Green-Wood or outside the city?

- sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Which one do you recommend
this time of year?

- Just move to the side real quick.

- Oh, sorry 'bout that.

- You think about it over
here. I'll get the next guy.

Who died?

[Texan accent]
- Hey, howdy. I'm visiting from Texas.

Never been to New York City before.

- Who died?

- A lot of people died this
year. Been a tough year.

My aunt, she passed away. She passed away.

She fell down a well.
[Sam and crew laughing]

She fell down a well.

- Okay, you doing cremate
or you doing burial?

- She wanted to be turned into a tree.

- Okay, move to the other side.

- Okay.
- This guy here.

- Hey, what's going on?

- Hey, Tony! What's up, boss?

Yeah, you got it.
- Yeah, what's going on?

I mean, yeah, can we
just do the number two?

Make it quick.
- Yeah, real quick.

You want the Elon Musk?
- Yep, yep.

[Sam and crew laughing]

Hey, thank you. Perfect, perfect, perfect.

Thank you, brother.
- We also do sandwiches.

Oh, what we got here?
- We got a fresh one.

- I can do this right
now. I got it, hold on.

- I was gonna take it downstairs.

- No, we gotta lock it from the outside,

'cause the guy keeps
going... [babbling rapidly]

[Jacob babbling rapidly
in a Brooklyn accent]

- You don't know what you're
f*cking talking about!

- Fuggedaboudit!
- Hey, excuse me!

I think I know. I'm gonna do Green-Wood.

Let's do Green-Wood.
- Get him a Green-Wood!

He got a grandpa that
gotta go in the ground!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Not a lot of people
asking you, how you doin'?

- You know me. I can't complain.

- Ah!
[buzzer buzzes]

[everyone laughing]

- Un-f*cking-real.



Lou, Jake, and Brennan.

That brings us to the end of our show.

Our winner tonight.

I have never seen three
more evenly matched players

up on this stage, and
this is a three way tie.

[players cheering in unison]
- Wow!

[celebratory music]

Congratulations, the three of you!

You are all the recipients
of the coveted golden ear.

- We're all going to have
to move into the same house!

- Yeah!
- I guess!

- That does it for us
here at "Make Some Noise".

Tune in next time for
more of the game samer.

I'm Sam Reich, and that
sounds pretty good to me.

Goodnight.
[relaxing music]

[relaxing music continues and fades]