03x08 - A Horny Chain Text Message for Arbor Day

[bunniefuu]

- [Sam] Tonight, following
Airbnb instructions

to get to the podium, it's Ross Bryant!

- H-h-hello?
[lively exuberant music]

Hello?

Oh jeez.
[Sam giggling]

Five, three...
[Sam and crew laughing]

It's always these ones.

Oh, actually pretty swanky.

- [Sam] Interacting with
their animated sidekick,

it's Jess McKenna!

- Oh, hi!

Oh, sorry, Duchess Bobbington! [laughs]

Get on out here!
[Bobbington chirping]

You're right! It is
gonna be a wonderful day!

Goodbye!

- [Sam] And tucking
everyone in for the night,

it's Geoff Ross!

- Oh, there's my big guy! [laughs warmly]

It's night-night time.

- I'm not even tired.

- Sweetheart-
- Another story.

- Sweetheart, storytime's over.

- Another story. One more.

- No, we already had three books.

- Half a story.

- Oh, my beautiful giant children.

- [Sam] They're all here to...

- [All] Make some noise!

[cheerful exuberant music]

- Welcome to "Make Some Noise,"

the game so good we spun it off unchanged.

I am your host, Sam Reich.
Here's how the show works.

I have here a series of
improvisational prompts

our players have never seen before.

Isn't that right, players?

- Correct!

- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.

- They will, to the best of their ability,

fulfill those prompts.

I will award them corresponding points,

and the winner will take
home the coveted Golden Ear,

which if you rub, a genie will come out

and grant you three ears.

- Ooh!
- Hm!

- Players, are you ready to rumble?

- [Players] Yes!

- In that case, let's start
with a little warm-up game.

This is a little minigame
we like to call translator.

Geoff, if you would do me a favor

and switch places with Jess.

Geoff, you are going
to play our politician

speaking in a gibberish language.

- Okay.

- Ross and Jess are in turn
going to translate for you

one line at a time.

I have a little bit of
art, a prop for you.

- Oh!

- In order to inspire
whatever your speech is about.

- [Geoff] Oh, lovely.
- [Ross] Hm.

♪ It's Paul ♪

- It's Paul!
- [Ross] Paul!

♪ Everybody, it's Paul ♪

- America's sweetheart.

- Take it away whenever you're ready.

[Geoff speaks gibberish]

- I am very

[Geoff speaking gibberish]

happy to be visiting this country

on its first day of spring.
[Geoff speaking gibberish]

The air is so crisp. Crisp like a cookie.

[Sam and crew laughing]
[Geoff speaks gibberish]

- And the air is brisk.
Brisk like a small dog.

- Nah-nah.

- Not a big dog
[Geoff speaking gibberish]

[Geoff laughing]
but a small dog.

[Geoff speaking gibberish gregariously]

- This guy knows what I'm talking about.

[Sam laughing]

[Geoff speaks gibberish seriously]

- But the thing about spring.

[Geoff speaks gibberish contemplatively]

It's a time of renewal for your home

[Geoff speaks gibberish seriously]

and for my eyes.

[Geoff speaks gibberish thoughtfully]

- Allergies
[Geoff speaking gibberish]

attack us all in different ways.

[Geoff speaking gibberish dramatically]

- But in our different pain,
we find each other the same.

[Geoff laughing and speaking
gibberish gregariously]

- [Ross and Jess] This guy
knows what I'm talking about.

[Geoff speaking gibberish seriously]

- But thank you to your citizens.

Thank you to your president
for welcoming me here.

[Geoff speaks gibberish and chuckles]

I shall now say goodbye
in our traditional way.

[Geoff singing gibberish brightly]

♪ With here from here it's good ♪

♪ From here to here it's good ♪

- [Ross and Jess] This guy
knows what I'm talking about.

- And I will cut you off
there. [buzzer blares]

[crew clapping]
Wow, very nuanced.

- If only our politicians

would speak about allergies that way.

- Holy moly.

- Just one time.
- We're begging 'em!

[bright upbeat music]

- We will proceed with round one.

- Great.

- Ross.
- Yes, sir.

- I have warned other players

that the more they succeed on this show,

the more I punish them.
- Okay.

[nervously] I'll take
that as a complement.

- [Sam] [laughs] A sea shanty-

- [Ross] Uh-huh.

- about struggling socially on the ship.

- Yeah, you got this, man.
- Oh yeah, no problem.

- [Sam] Yeah!

♪ Set out there from Newfoundland ♪

♪ Went down to the Horn ♪

♪ Red seas at morning ♪

♪ Down at early morn ♪

♪ Passing through the waters
in between so many nations ♪

♪ Why haven't I ever had a
really deep conversation ♪

♪ I think the captain hates me ♪

♪ The boatswain's out for me ♪

♪ They've never really said it ♪

♪ I just read their energy ♪
[Sam cackling]

♪ I wish that they would listen ♪

♪ I wish that I could speak ♪

♪ I wish that I could find
the validation that I seek ♪

♪ Way, hey, and up she goes ♪

♪ Way, hey, she rises ♪

♪ Way, hey, and up she grows ♪

♪ Seriously, do you hate me ♪

[buzzer blares]
- Wow.

- [Sam] Wow.
- Really good.

- You just did yourself no favors

as far as next season goes.
- [laughs] Oh no.

- It's the details for me, you know?

Like, Ross knows he's called a bozeman.

- It's the boatswain, yeah.

- Boatswain. See?
- [Sam] Yeah.

- See, there it is.
- [Sam] See?

- He knows it's boatswain,

and I think it's a city in Montana.

- Yeah, a big difference between
Bozeman and a boat swain.

- [Sam] Oh.
- Oh no!

- Which is what boatswain is short for.

- What century are you from?
- [Geoff] What?

- I'll never tell.
[cast and crew laughing]

As soon as this show's over,

I go back to my ancient slumber.

- The vampire rises only
to do improv comedy.

- It's a very specific curse.
- 'Tis a curse.

[cast laughing]
'Tis a blessing and a curse.

- A yo-h*-h* and a
couple of points for you.

- Hot dog.
- Oh.

- Ooh.
[Sam sighs]

- Jess, it's kinda like I told Ross.

- [chuckles] Oh no.

- The Oompa Loompa song

after a kid was straight-up decapitated.

[Jess laughing]

♪ Oompa Loompa what did we do ♪

♪ You stuck your neck
out, oopie-doot-doo ♪

♪ Heads will roll when
you try that taste ♪

♪ We tried to get there,
but guillotines haste ♪

♪ It chops your head from
a blicky-blick block ♪

♪ We can't get the blood
to stoppy-stop stop ♪

♪ Oompa Loompa do-ba-dee-doo ♪

♪ This was a chocolate headed for you ♪

- Wow, Jess.
[buzzer blares]

- Yes.
- We'll say 50 points

specifically from the
nightmare chocolate tunnel.

- Yeah, yeah. Thank you.

♪ In a world of pure decapitation ♪

- Whoa! He's back!
- My guy.

- Geoff.
- Your Honor?

[Ross and crew laughing]
- Sure.

- [Jess] Oh.
- Sure, we can go with that.

The foreman-
- [Ross] [laughs] Come on.

- of The Cheesecake Factory.

- All right, listen up, folks.

I don't like having to speech
over and over again, okay?

This is a serious operation.

People get hurt here when they're
not doing their job right.

[Ross and crew laughing]

People can lose their lives here

[Sam and crew laughing]

when they're not doing their job right.

I hope you all notice
Robbie isn't here tonight.

[Ross laughing]
- Oh sh*t!

- Yeah, he called out.

Got a little too close to the printer

that was printing the new 600-page menu.

- Oh sh*t.

- We had a table of 16 come in yesterday.

Yes, I'm telling it!

We had a table of 16 come in yesterday.

They needed a high chair.

What were they told? "No problem."

That was a weekend meal.

We knew right then and there

we didn't have any high chairs!

[Jess and crew laughing]

Safety ain't a joke to
me. Not on my floor!

Not at my Cheesecake Factory!

Not here in Santa Monica!

- And I'll cut you off
there, Geoff. [buzzer blares]



of points for you, Geoff.
- Ooh.

- That's a good run, kids.

- Which brings us back to Ross.

- Never heard of him.
- Holy moly.

- Ross, a bit of a sequel prompt for you.

- Huh?

- An ad for a new Burger King sandwich,

the King Lear.

- Lunchtime is upon us.

The noonday meal where one
may slake their hunger.

The new Burger King: King Lear.

The only sandwich that must
be divided into three parts

[Sam and crew laughing]

and given to whichever of your
daughters doth love you best.

Perhaps they flatter,
perhaps they do speak truth,

but perhaps you're too mad to see clearly

because the sandwich
is just too delicious,

having, as it does, a horseradish aioli.

[Sam and crew laughing]
- Oh!

- Ooh!
- [Geoff] Oh!

- The new Burger King: King Lear!

Now, gods, stand up for b*stards

and burgers!
[Sam laughing]

[buzzer blares]
- Um, question.

Can I get my fries full-sized?

- It is a bitter fry.

- I don't know how you
managed to remember,

beat for beat, that original prompt.

- Oof.
- [Sam] Like two years later.

- Someone make a side-by-side.

- Just for Jess.
- I mean-

- Just for Jess-
- Come on.

- [Sam] Just for Jess.
- Make a side-by-side.

- For nobody.

Hey, I sound like a
foreman from Santa Monica.

- Look...

- [gruffly] I was born and raised

on the West Side of Los Angeles.

- [boisterously] I love
it here in Playa del Rey.

- [strongly] I can hear LAX!
[Sam laughing]

- Let's say five couplets
worth of points for you.

[Ross gasps dramatically]
- Hm.

- Jess.
- Sam.

- [Sam] A horny chain text message.

- [Jess] Uh-huh.
- For Arbor Day.

- Sure, I'm always sending these.

[Sam and Ross laughing]

You know me, [scoffs]

married for nine years,
[Sam and crew laughing]

constantly sending little
pictographs of horniness.

- Jess McKenna, canonically horny.

[cast laughing]

- You heard it here first.

- 'Sup?

How you celebratin' this
big [emphatically] tree day.

Want me to bark woof
woof up your strong trunk

[cast laughing]

till you're sprucing out
like it's pollen season?

[Sam and crew laughing]

Sneezy face, sneezy face.

Yeah, make me Zyrtec all over you, baby.

[Sam and players laughing]

I don't know if it's because it's April

but I'm feeling showers, showers, showers!

Boy, it's getting slippery,
but at the end of the day,

when you and I are lying
in bed, let us remember,

this is about trees.
[cast laughing]

- That was really good.
- Okay, thanks.

- Yeah.
- That was great.

- [Sam] That was really good!
- That was fantastic.

- And you know, it was still
sorta performed by the foreman.

I needed just a little bit of-
- [Sam] It's character.

- Just a little bit.
- Just a little bit

of character to-
- Hard to shake.

- It's gonna keep coming back.

- You know, 'cause if it was
my real, authentic horniness,

no one would be able to take it.

- No, no.
- [Sam] No, it'd be too much.

- [Jess] It would be-

- We'd all have to excuse ourselves.

- Look at me in this shirt.
[Sam and crew laughing]

Look at me and this blue
stand looking like a Crayola.

Let's go ahead. [clicks
tongue] This one's for you.

- [Geoff] That's a freebie.

Normally you have to pay.
- Fancam this, baby.

- 69 points distributed-
- That's right. [laughs]

- [Sam] They are for you.
- Sick!

- To me, Duchess Bobbington!
[Bobbington chirping]

- [gasps] It's back!

- Away!
- Ah!

- Geoff.
- Your Honor.

- Bob Ross teaches you how to
draw insulting caricatures.

- Perfect.

[calmly] So what you wanna do
is highlight a facial feature

that you believe they're
uncomfortable with.

And you wanna make it as big

and as prominent as you can.

Look at this nose.
[Jess and crew laughing]

Okay, you want it big and
red 'cause you are implying,

that's right, alcoholism.

Anything that you can
sense is a sensitivity,

front and center.

That's why this small scar,
probably from chicken pox,

takes up half of the forehead.
[Jess and Sam laughing]

You know what, we're gonna
put a little brown in there

'cause it is discolored.
[Ross and Sam laughing]

Look at that happy little scar!

And once you're done,
you know you've succeeded

when they pretend to smile at
the partner they came with.

[Ross laughing]
Here you go!

- Oh!

- That looks just like you, babe.

[Sam cackling]
[buzzer blares]

- I will cut this off there. Wow.

- At least I was riding a dolphin.

- Riding a dolphin playing soccer.

- Uh-huh.

- Eight comically
distorted points for you.

- Oh, thank you.

[bright cheerful music]

- That brings us to our first minigame.

This is a little game we
like to call Dubble Duty.

How it works is, Ross and Jess,

I'm gonna ask for the two of
you to enact a scene together.

Jess, if you could come stand
just in front of the door

in this general play area, please.

- [Jess] Great.

- Ross, when it comes time to speak,

Jess is gonna be providing
all of your dialogue.

- Great.

- This is a scene out of a military movie.

- Mm.
- Mm.

- Called "The Trenches."

- Look, son, none of us thought
France would be like this.

- [waifish New York accent]
Yeah, this ain't what France

looked like to me on the map.

[Sam and crew laughing]
- I know, I know.

- [Jess] When I looked it
up, it was by an ocean.

I thought maybe it would
be like a vacation.

- This ain't no vacation, son.

- [Jess] No it ain't, Sarge.
- No.

- [Jess] And I haven't gotten

to try any of the fine cuisine.

I'm just eating these little MREs,

when I thought I was gonna
be having some cordon bleu,

some escargot.
[Sam and crew laughing]

- Okay.
- [Jess] Some eclairs.

- God, there it is. Look-

- Oh, I wanted an eclair, boss.

I mean, Sarge.
- [Geoff] Yeah.

You're not on vacation.

- I know that now.

- And I need you to stay strong.

- Okay, I gotta stay strong

like a beautiful baguette.

Oh, and a little mademoiselle's bicycle.

[Sam laughing]

Ooh, I thought I was gonna see it, Sarge.

I thought I was gonna see
her, biking along the Seine.

And she'd have a little scarf on

and it would fly off in the wind,

and I would pick it up and
I'd run to her and I'd say,

"Excuse me, mademoiselle.

Is this your scarf?"

And she would say, "Let me
teach you how to be a lover."

[Sam and crew laughing]

'Cause I'm horny, Sarge!
- Private, I got that!

I got that. I got-

- [Jess] Oh, I'm so horny, Sarge!

- Private, I understand! I understand!

Please, I un-

- [Jess] Canonically horny, Sarge!

- I know, I know! I know.

I read your file. I know.

Look, if you go over that edge, okay?

- Oh, don't make me edge, Sarge.

- No, that's, don't.

- [Jess] Okay, Sarge.

- I need you to strike at these Germans,

and you're gonna come back

and you can have your
little French fantasy.

- Are you serious, Sarge?

You're saying all I gotta
do is give what for [laughs]

to the enemy, boss?

And then I can come back and
say, "Oui, oui, mademoiselle.

I do have a fine baguette."
[Sam and crew laughing]

You get what I'm saying?

- Yeah, no, no, I caught it.
I caught it, I caught it.

- And cut.
[buzzer blares]

Canonically horny.

- Canonically horny is back!

- That's about Ross.

- It was literally about Ross

even though it was once again in the voice

of the foreman-
- Of the foreman.

- It's hard to drop.

- from the Cheesecake Factory.
- Look, it's hard to drop.

- This episode is living in
a certain time and place.

- Yeah, you're okay, you know?

- Sarge, I just wanna get back to my home

of Venice, California.

- I'm going to a screening

at the Hammer Museum in Westwood, Sarge.

- I gotta get back to my home of Malibu.

- You wouldn't believe
how long the fog lasts

over our house, Sarge.

[bright upbeat music]

- That brings us to round
two where our players

will now test their
talents in teams of twos.

- Oh my god!
- Hm.

- Ross.
- Yes.

- And Jess.
- Yes...

Sam!

- A Jane Austen protagonist gets the ick.

- Mr. Finley, you know I was
ever so much looking forward

to promenading with you,

but there's a thing that has come upon me.

It is not an illness. Don't you fret.

It's more that I, well, I...

I no longer can stand the sight of you.

- Miss Berrington, I
was given to understand

that you enjoyed our time together.

- It is almost as if you are
now a different man entirely

standing before me and I can't
undo what I have now seen

which is that you get a bit of sweat

on your upper lip before
speaking and you never wipe it.

Don't do it now! It's too late!

- Too late? Too late?

If I fall short in matters
of hygiene, Miss Berrington,

I hope that you can
look past the pure soul

that beats within my heart.

You would be the topic of all my felicity.

- You certainly will never be able

to undo the ick that is upon me.

- I'm terribly sorry that
your judgment is so impaired.

[huffs] I thought that this was
because we're first cousins.

[Sam laughing]
- [Ross] But apparently...

- And cut!
[buzzer blares]

Roles you were each born to play!

- Oh!

- Six points and
pointibility for you both.

Jess.
- Sam.

- And Geoff.
- Your Honor.

- Sweeney Todd on "The
Great British Baking Show."

- All right, so a little
bit of a mince pie.

- [chuckles knowingly] One could say that.

- Just gonna dig in.

- Yes, please.
- If you don't mind.

- Don't delay. I didn't.

- Oh, okay. Here we go.

- So I used a bit of chutney
to highlight the flavors

of the priest's shame.
[Sam and crew laughing]

- Yeah, maybe those taste
a little less like blood.

Let's see.
[Sam wheezing and laughing]

All right.

- No soggy bottoms, I assure you.

- [strained] No, no.

- I left them in the heat, the damned!

[Sam and Ross laughing]

- I do taste the cayenne.

- Just a bit on the back of the throat.

- Yeah.
- The tender, supple throat.

- All right.

- The easy-breezy breakable throat.

- All right, okay.
- The wind pipe

that connects you-
- All right.

- to your mortal coil.
- Thank you so much, Sweeney.

Thank you.
- I can't wait for you

to see my showstopper.

- Oh! Delightful.
[Sam laughing]

- I made a treacle.

[buzzer blares]
- I will cut you off there.



- Oh!

- Geoff.
- Your Honor.

- And Ross.
- Yessir.

- A "comedy sketch"

[Geoff slaps podium enthusiastically]

written by bad A.I.

- Hey, Fart Brother. How
you are you this Thursday?

- Hello Butt roommate.
[Sam laughing]

I was curious how you're going to deal

with Abraham Lincoln
coming over for dinner.

- Oh, I'm glad you asked
about a very auspicious dinner

I'm having with the President.

I have decided to have
six hams. Come with me.

[crew and Sam laughing]

As you can see, they're already
burned. What a travesty.

- This will bode well with our meeting

with our 16th president.

- Our 16th president is very
important for many reasons,

many of which are Civil w*r.

- The Civil w*r began for numerous reasons

[Sam and Jess laughing]

including the states' rights

to hold people in human bondage.

What is one boy to do

in such a situation and scenario as this?

- President Buchanan was the president

before Abraham Lincoln.

Some say his inauspicious administration

was part of the reason for Civil w*r.

- And the following President Johnson

is notably one of the worst.

- That is a fascinating
tidbit that is useful to know.

Oh no, my hams!
[Sam laughing]

- I have nine fingers on each hand.

- Ding dong! President's
here, and he's horny.

- And cut.
[buzzer blares]

Wow, Jess.
- Put that on TV, cowards!

- Come on!
- Cowards!

We were almost too good at it.

- No more questions, please.

- Let us move on with the
game so that later on,

we can learn about what
you humans call love.

- 40 AI-generated "points" for you both.

- Okay.

- Worth absolutely nothing.

- Hm.
- That took a dark twist.

- Ross.
- Yessir.

- And Jess.
- Sam.

- Eugene from marching band

only invited the hot cheerleader
to the renaissance faire-

- [Geoff] Oh my god!
- as a stupid bet.

[Jess and Sam laughing]

- Um, so, should we like,
make sure that we're in line

for the falcon show or, um,

did you want me to get in
line for the turkey legs?

Britney, I have something to tell you.

- Is my costume not authentic enough?

I-I really tried hard and my t*ts are out.

- No, the cleav' is popping, for sure.

I had other intentions,
Britney, but something happened

at the renaissance faire
I wasn't expecting.

I fell in love.

I have to be-
- With immersion?

- Oh.
[Sam laughing]

Immersion is 100% my first love.

- I'm sorry, Eugene. Did, did...

Did I do something wrong?

- You didn't do anything wrong.
You did everything right.

You made me fall for you,

even though we're from
two different worlds,

and I guess maybe-

- I know.
- I made you fall for me too.

- I already liked you, Eugene. Come on.

- What?
- You play the quints.

Those are the heaviest drums.

- [Ross] I know.

- And me, I'm just like,

I'm just on the sidelines, you know?

I'm just cheering at what
other people do. I'm a loser.

- Britney, I only asked you here

because the woodwind section-

- [Jess] What?
- thought it would be funny.

- Oh my gosh. They came for me again?

- Mm-hmm.

- Those reed-suckers?
- Yeah.

- They've been tormenting
me since fifth grade

ever since I couldn't
get my embouchure right.

And I thought you were better, Eugene

'cause you're a percussionist.

- I thought so too, but now
the only rhythm I wanna step to

is the one that's beating in your heart.

- I don't know if I can, Eugene.

- I don't even deserve
a relationship with you.

I've been misleading you this whole time.

When I asked you to join
me in my DnD game night.

- No.
- [Ross] That was part of it.

- No!

- When I asked you to go to
the Coin Collectors Convention,

that was part of it!

- [Jess] But I have coins!

- When I asked you to
paint Warhammer figurines,

that was part of it!

- And cut!
[buzzer blares]

♪ Every day is a winding road ♪
- Wow!

I was so, like I didn't wanna...

I wanted to see what happened.

- Reed-suckers.
[Jess laughs]

- A "my, how the tables have
turned" amount of points

for the both of you.
- Oh.

- Jess.
- Sam.

- And Geoff.
- Your Honor.

- Movie buffs discuss the symbolism

of an accidentally left-in water bottle.

- Sorry, do you need a
couple more minutes to like,

take it in or can we like,
share how we feel about the-

- No, no, no. We can get right into it.

- Okay, 'cause I don't wanna
like, influence you yet.

- Here's the thing, like, I will admit,

it hit me as a surprise.
- Yes.

- But I would also go as
far to say, a challenge?

- That's what I felt too.
- Right?

- 'Cause at first I was like,

"Okay, so this is obviously a gaffe."

- [Geoff] Oh!
- But then the more

that I sat there I thought,
"He would never do that."

- No, I know this director.

- He's an auteur.
- I know.

He is so specific with everything.

- So here's what I was thinking.

Like, tell me if this is too far,

and again, I do not wanna put this on you

if you're not ready.
- Okay, I'm ready.

- The mother character was disposable.

She had only four lines,

and they were only in service
of the protagonist, her son.

- Mm-hmm.

- She was the water bottle.
[Sam laughing]

And like, he gets so much criticism

for not writing strong female characters,

but I was like, "The
water bottle is a woman."

- Of course, of course.

- So I'm thinking now, it
probably does pass Bechdel.

- Okay, first impression.

- Lay it on me.
- First impressions.

It is about waste. He's saying-

- That's what I'm saying.

- The entire relationship is waste.

- Do you know what he's saying?

This whole thing where
we sat here and spent-

- [Geoff] Waste.

- Spent three hours and 15 minutes.

- Waste.

- That's a waste of our time.

- It's a mirror, okay? I
think people don't get this.

- Holy sh*t, Brent.
- The screen's a mirror.

- Brent, what does water do?

Water reflects.
- Reflects.

There it is, there it is! There it is!

- And cut.
[buzzer blares]

- [Jess] You get it.
- Hell yeah!

It's scary how well two smart
people can justify anything.

- As someone who went to
film school, it's like that.

[Jess and Ross laughing]
It is like that.

- Let's say five points and
stars on Letterboxd for you.

- Ooh!
- Thank you.

- Which brings us to the
last prompt of round two.

- Oh my god!

- Geoff.
- Your Honor?

- And Ross.
- Yes. Sir.

- Two inventors arrive
at the patent office

to register the same
invention at the same time.

- The office is just about to close!

- You stand back, you son of a b*tch!

You are not doing this to me!
- Oh my god.

[gasps] Is that what I think it is?

- No, you did not. You did not.

Do not tell me you did this to me again.

- Morton Palasky strikes again.

I guess this is what they
call parallel thinking, huh?

[Geoff laughs sarcastically]

- Neil Fudge, you've outdone yourself.

- Guess what, you're about to get snaked

by the Fudge man today.
- Oh, I don't think so!

Not again!

- I have poured my lifeblood into this.

- I got a divorce because
of this invention!

- Oh, you got a divorce?
- And it was worth it!

- My family forced me out
of the house at gunpoint!

They said-
- Okay, Fudge!

- They said that this invention
wasn't just a boondoggle,

wasn't just folly, but "totally immoral."

[Geoff laughing sarcastically]
[Sam laughing genuinely]

- The government came to my home and said,

"Sir, you must stop!"

- The government? How quaint!

The Secretary of the UN tried to sh**t me

with an bow and arrow!
- Please, please!

We've all been to hell,
and I fear nothing, Fudge!

- I-
- Nothing!

- Well, Fudge knows no fear.
- Hm?

- Apparently we both invented

the world's smallest d*ck sucking machine.

[Sam laughing]

- [Geoff] No one will take this from me.

- The world's smallest!

- The President's here, and he's horny.

[buzzer blares]
- Okay, the thing is,

they have small penises, you see.

- Very small.
- [Jess] You see.

- The invention's for them.

- I'm just glad that
canonically horny Jess McKenna

got a button in there.
- Canonically.

- Two eerily similar points

for the both of you.
- Oh!

[cheerful music]

- That brings us to our final minigame.

This is a little game we like to call

Who Are You Supposed to Be?

How it works, players, is when I say go,

you are going to race over
to this box of costume items,

put on whatever pleases you,
race back to your podium,

buzz in, and pitch me on
who you are supposed to be

in the style of a child on Halloween.

Does that make sense?

- Yeah, Sam.

- [laughs] Thank you, Jess.
- [Ross] Uh-huh.

- Uh-huh.

- Sure does!
- Yep.

- And away we go.

[lively piano music]

- Okay, let's see.

[bell rings]
- Jess, that was fast.

- Canonically Jess McKenna.
- [Ross] [laughs] Yep, yep.

- [laughs] Unbelievable!

[bell rings]
Ross.

- [British accent] Nigel
Merryweather, baby reporter,

BBC News, Kuala Lumpur.

Ga ga, goo goo.

[Sam laughing]
Goo goo, ga ga.

[bell rings]
- Geoff.

- Dale Johnson, the pride of
the MILF-hunting community

here in Santa Monica, California.

[buzzer blares]

- I like the callback a lot, Geoff.

[bell rings]
Ross.

- Congratulations, you're being robbed

by the world's most whimsical bank robber.

[Sam laughing]
Stick 'em up!

- It's a manic pixie dream robber.

[bell rings]
Jess.

- Hello, greetings.

I'm someone who should
played by Ross Bryant.

[cast laughing]

[buzzer blares]
- Absolutely.

[bell rings]
And Ross.

- Kyle Dugan, skateboarder
on my last ever run.

- Oh! [laughs]
[Geoff laughing]

[laughing] Oh no!

And Geoff.
[bell rings]

- I'm a divorced dad on a solo cruise

pretending everything's okay.

[maracas shaking]
[Geoff forcing laughter]

When do we get to the Bahamas?

I would love to...

Love to smile again.

- His family left him

after he invented the
d*ck sucking machine.

- d*ck sucking machine.

[laughs] The d*ck sucking machine is back.

[bell rings]
- And Ross Bryant.

- [waifish] Oh gee, mister,
do you have two bits?

It's me, a character
played by Jess McKenna.

[Jess and Sam laughing]

[bell rings]
- [Sam] Jess.

- None of us grabbed
this for the longest time

because it's terrifying, so just here is,

I guess, nightmare fuel.

I'm hoping that like,
after maybe two months

this is gonna pop up in your subconscious.

You're not gonna remember
where it came from.

- [Sam] What a terrible curse.

- All you're gonna know is, is that it's

canonically horny.

- Yeah!
[Sam laughing]

[claps emphatically] Yes, yes, yes!

- This is so scary.
- [Geoff] Bravo.

- And that is a minigame.

[lively upbeat music]

That brings us to round
three where our players

will now hold hands and jump
into the abyss together.

Ross.
- Yessir.

- Jess.
- Yeah, Sam.

- Geoff.
- Your Honor.

- The Ghosts of Past,
Present, and Future huddle

and strategize in between
visits to Scrooge.

- I tried to show him his childhood,

but he was focused on his studies.

- [dry and raspily] Time
to bring out the big g*ns.

- Let's wait a second.
I haven't had my chance.

- Let me show him his grave.

- Okay, hold on, hold on.

- Future, Future.
- Future.

- You're always so eager-
- Hold on.

- to show them their grave-
- Every time.

- But first we must let Present

show him what he's fighting for.

- Fine, fine, fine.

You go show him the
Cratchits for a couple secs.

- Yes!
- Yes, for a little bit.

- And then the grave!

- Future, future, future, future.

- Sometimes when there's too
much grave they get a little,

you know, defeatist.
- Yeah.

- There's a bit of nihilism to it.

- You know, sometimes they
give up at that point.

- Yes.
- They're like,

"Oh, we don't want this."
- You are helpful.

You are helpful, but as the last bit.

- I was thinking...
- [Geoff] Last bit.

- Just blue sky here.

- Sure.
- [Geoff] Okay.

- What if we go way far future.

Like future 3022.

- I just don't know how
that would help Mr. Scrooge.

- Oh, so that's so distant.
There's no connection, you know?

- He'd see a world where most people

have uploaded their
consciousness to the cloud.

- [Geoff] He doesn't know what it means!

- Christmas is a distant memory.

- Our goal is to help Ebenezer Scrooge

keep Christmas in his heart.

I don't see how future inventions

is going to change anything.
- Fine, fine.

You've talked me into it.

I'll show him the grave.

- Oh, there it is. Okay.

[buzzer blares]

- I think I'll cut this off there.

The spirit of Christmas in
your hearts kept all year long-

- Oh!
- That's nice.

- Ross.
- Yessir.

- Jess.
- Sam.

- Geoff.
- Your Honor.

- So that's why the
McDonald's ice cream machine

is always broken.

- Oh jeez, it's back again.

- I know it's my gremlin shift,
but I can't deal with it.

- You're not manager yet.
I've worked here a long time.

- Okay.
- You learn a few things.

How to work the griddle.
- Mm-hmm.

- When breakfast ends.
- Mm-hmm.

- [Ross] And that every day around noon-

- And always keep the ketchup filled

and also how to give the
gremlin its ice cream machine.

[Sam laughing]
- [Ross] Yeah. Yep.

- Hi, Jerry.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Please let me nobble out its parts.

- Get in there and start
nibbling and nobbling.

[Sam laughing]

- I just feel like we
should not allow this.

- Ray Kroc made a pact
with them years ago.

- I know!
- How do you think

he was able to franchise so quickly?

- Look, the gremlins giveth
and the gremlins taketh away.

- I just feel that the gremlins
have been taketh a lot.

- I understand-

- Their last innovation
was the Snack Wrap.

It's been a long time.

- You know what? We also gave
you those salads that shook.

- The shakeable salads,
McPizza, the McLean.

Those are all gremlin brainstorms.

- Those are terrible! Those
have all been discontinued.

- Look, a deal's a deal.

- You got me.
- But to be honest,

everyone comes hoping for ice cream.

It's broken so much that
it's become like, a thing.

- Are you telling me that
people stopped ordering

'cause they assume it's broken?

- Every time, they just
assume. They don't even...

We don't even have to
tell them it's broken.

- That's not what I wanted.
- [Geoff] Yeah.

- All right, I'll take
one of your souls instead.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- And a button.
[buzzer blares]

- Jerry the gremlin.

- I like that there was so much lore.

- Yeah.

- That's a lot of McDonald's products.

- McDonald's lore.

Grimace is real.

- Oh yeah, that's my uncle.
[Sam and Ross laughing]

- Let's say two golden-arched
points for you all.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

- Bringing us to the penultimate prompt

of our game, players.

- Penultimate.

- Ross.
- Yeah.

- Jess.
- Yes, Sam.

- Geoff.
- Your Honor.

- A 21-pun salute.

- Oh.
- A 21-pun salute?

sh**t.

- Let me take that one down the barrel.

- This'll be cannon-ically horny?

- Sure.

- But I could see how a 21-pun
salute could be triggering.

- Oh, let me just r*fle through my brain.

- 21-pun salute?

More like a 21-g*n
salute, am I right, folks?

- Let's all stand together
and take a crossbow.

- So much energy. Yeah, what a p*stol.

[Sam laughing]
- [Geoff] Damn it!

- Oh yeah, of course
he was referring to me.

I mean, all of his jokes have perfect aim.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh!

- Oh!

- Of course we're referring to
you. You're right on target.

- Of course.

And your jokes never misfire.

- Boy, I know we talked a lot about canon.

It was a ball.

[Sam giggling]
- [Geoff] Damn it. Okay.

- At first I didn't think
I would get that joke,

but that's a joke I musket.

- Hurry up and get in here, Geoff.

Time is running out on the GL*CK.

- You know, considering

how many Abraham Lincoln
references we had,

I'm surprised no one has referred

to John Wilkes Booth
sh**ting a man in the head.

- Okay, you're right.

Thank you for giving me that
idea, my "American Cousin."

[cast laughing]

- But of course we can do these puns here.

This is a safe place.

Everything's fine in this chamber.

- Mm-hmm.

- I mean, I've done so many already.

There's probably 16 in the clip.

- Damn it!
[Sam and crew laughing]

- Not to get political

because we could talk about these puns,

and if we even have a right to bear them.

- All right, can I take a
second? Can I take a second?

- I'm sorry you wanna amend my pun?

That's all fine and good.

And we could talk about bears
or we could talk about bulls.

And when it comes to
animals, I say b*llet.

[crew and Ross laughing]
[buzzer blares]

- That's 21.

- [Ross and Jess] Yeah!
- And I did three!

- Damn! Super, super impressive.

A point per pun seem fair? 21 points?

- That seems fair.

- Last prompt of our game.

- Oh no.

- Ross.
- Yeah.

- Jess.
- Sam.

- Geoff.
- Your Honor.

- Abraham-

- Wow!

- Lin-Con.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- Wow, okay.
- What's going on?

- Hmm, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Boys, are you excited or what?

- Nice hats.

- Oh, fantastic hats.
- [Geoff] Oh, thank you.

- You gonna go to the panel

on how we keep his
oratory legacy alive or?

[Sam laughing]

- First thing.
- I don't think we...

That hall is slammed. It's so
hard to get into Fourscores.

- Gosh!
- Oh.

- Gotta get into Fourscores.

- It is tough. And what about the mixer?

Will I see you fellas at the mixer?

- You'll see me-

- To the Better Angels of
our Nature meet and greet?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

I will be late. I will be
late, but I will be there.

- Where you coming from?

- Well, I did wanna see the
Ford's Theatre reenactment.

I know it's controversial.

- Okay, that's not official.
- I know, I know.

- That's like...
- That's fringe.

- I, look-
- That's fringe con.

- Yeah, are you moonlighting at Booth-Con?

- I am just going for a little
bit, just to get a taste.

I've heard it's very accurate.

- I mean, I'm not gonna
talk you out of it.

It's clear you've already
made your decision.

- Guess so.

- I guess we won't see you
at the Better Angels mixer

where we will all be getting very horny.

- Mm-hmm. [laughs]
[Sam laughing]

We all know how this convention ends.

- In a pile of c*m.

[buzzer blares]
- [Jess] You said it.

- If ever there is a button.

Fourscore and seven points for you all.

- Hell yeah.
- Oh, okay. Great.

- That brings us to the end of our show.

Our winner this eve...

[paper rips]

Ross Bryant.
[jubilant music]

- Oh!

- Ross, you are the recipient-

- Unbelievable.
- of the coveted Golden Ear.

- I couldn't have done
it without you, Sam.

I couldn't have done it without all of us.

- Oh, stop.
- Way to go, Ross.

- Most of all, I couldn't
have done it without you,

[Bobbington chirping]

Ms. Bobbington.

- Oh, it's Duchess Bobbington!
- Oh, Duchess!

- You were right! It was a great day!

[Sam laughing]
- Yay!

- Bye, Duchess!
[Bobbington chirping]

That does it for us here
at "Make Some Noise."

Tune in next time for
more of the Game Samer.

I'm Sam Reich, and that
sounds pretty good to me.

Good night.

[warm upbeat music]

[warm upbeat music fades]