03x09 - A Kid Who's Definitely the Reason Their Parents Got Divorced

[bunniefuu]

- [Sam] Tonight, faking asleep so Mom

will carry them in from the
car, it's Jeremy Culhane.

[Sam laughing]

Having major beef with one
of our camera operators,

it's Kimia Behpoornia.
- Hi!

[Sam laughing]

- [Sam] And trying to start
the wave unsuccessfully,

it's Kurt Maloney!

- Are you guys ready for
some "Make Some Noise"?

Yeah!

We'll start on this
side. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Fine.
- [Sam] They're all here to...

- [All] Make some noise!

[cheerful music]

- Welcome to "Make Some Noise",

the game so good we spun it off unchanged.

I am your host, Sam Reich.
Here's how the show works.

I have here a series of
improvisational prompts

our players haven't ever seen before.

Isn't that right, players?

- Yeah.
- Never seen them before.

- We have not seen this.
- They will,

to the best of their ability,
fulfill those prompts,

I will award them corresponding points,

and the winner will take
home the coveted golden ear.

- Ooh.

- Which can be traded for a finger trap,

a mustache comb, and 10
little green army men.

- Oh.

- [Sam] Players, are you ready to rumble?

- Yes!
- Let's go.

- Jeremy.
- Uh-huh?

- Oh!
- I'm bringing it back.

- A hopeless romantic is wrecked

by the time they reach the airport gate.

- Wait, babe, no! Ah f*ck! [grunting]

Gods!
[Kimia laughing]

I think I broke my knee.
[Sam laughing]

Crystal, you are the girl
I've always been dreaming of,

and when I got hit by that
car right outside the airport,

I thought to myself, I've
gotta stop her from flying home

'cause she needs to stay with me.

You're an actor, Crystal.
You were meant to be here.

We're talking, please,
geez. God, is that a taser?

- Sorry, yeah.
[Jeremy grunting]

It didn't work. Find something else.

- Crystal! Crystal!

You're the love of my life.
I absolutely love you.

You don't need your
family! You need Hollywood!

- Click.
[Jeremy grunting]

- Was that a knife?

- It didn't work. Find something else.

- Crystal, baby, don't
give up on your dreams.

You should stay here, okay? Okay.

- Rubber band.
- Ow, god.

That was the worst one for some reason.

- We're getting traction, boys.

[buzzer buzzing]
- I will cut you off there.

Kurt responsible for some sort of

research and development committee.

A my heart rate when I do
cardio amount of points for you.

- Yeah, thank you.

- Kimia.
- Yep.

- [Sam] Sampling a flight of bees.

- Oh, thank you so much.
- There you go, enjoy.

- Yeah, so these are
organic from your farm?

- Yeah, from left to right,
they get more organic.

- More organic, amazing.

Oh, a honeybee. Hmm.

[players buzzing]

[Kimia yelping]

You can taste the honey.

Wasps. Wasps.

- Those are wasps.
- [Kimia] Great.

[players buzzing]
[Kimia grunting]

Why was this place made?

[Sam laughing]

Okay, and yellowjackets.

[Sam laughing]

You know, just one, I think, at a time.

[Kurt buzzing]
[grunts] It came out my nose.

Oh, it went up and it came out my nose!

Okay. Oh.
[Kurt buzzing]

You can really taste the yellow.

- And I will cut you off
there, Kimia. [buzzer buzzing]

- Just making a ton of dumb faces.

- You transitioned from look
of confusion at that prompt

to full commitment to that prompt so fast,

it was really inspiring.
- What was I going to do?

- A the declining bee population's
amount of points for you.

- Oh, that's right, and I ate them.

- Kurt.

Apologies. Mr. Kurt.
- Mr. Sam.

- The white Power Ranger

just said his name out
loud for the first time.

- It's morphin' time!

- Yellow Ranger.

- Green Ranger.

- White Ranger! No, wait, hold on, cut.

Not like White Ranger. I'm not like...

I was green and then I changed into white,

but I'm not, like, proud of that.

Let's try another one.

- Yellow Ranger.

- Green Ranger.

- Eggshell ranger. That makes
me seem weak like an eggshell.

Can we start at the top? Is that okay?

- Go ahead.

- Yellow Ranger.

- Green Ranger.

- Tommy.

[Sam and crew laughing]

That feels good. Feels good for
me if it feels good for you.

- It's all right.
- Is it?

- Yeah, I think it's all right.

- I made a meal out of
something I didn't need

to make a meal out of.
- [Jeremy] Oh yeah.

- I get so freaking in my head!

- It just was a color before.

Now you're making
everybody think really hard

about the combination of the
color and then the word power.

- See, I thought I was doing the opposite.

- No.
- Sometimes you go too far,

and make it worse.
- Yes.

- Okay.
- It's just a color.

- You know what? I'm the Green Ranger.

- No, I'm the Green Ranger.

- Yellow Ranger, Green Ranger.

- I just feel like it
would be better for me

if I was the Green Ranger,
[Sam laughing]

and what if you were the Magenta Ranger?

- Because I'm a woman?
- Oh sh*t.

[buzzer buzzing]

- That is an incredible button.

A Megazord aggression
amount of points for you.

[Kurt and Jeremy laughing]

Jeremy.
- Uh-huh?

Is it getting better or worse?

- [Sam] Mr. Beastiality.
- Oh no.

- God, okay.

What's up, YouTube!

I just spent 10 days in a
cave with a bunch of wolves,

and this crazy stuff happened.

You will not believe how much I love

and fell in love with those wolves.

Wolves are a species of
dog that have come down

from the prehistoric ages from mammalia

and are man's best friend.

One of the wolves was named Rebecca.

Maybe Becca is more than
just a friend for me.

It was crazy!

And after seven days, I
didn't know what to believe.

Becca went from being a wolf to a 9.5

on the hot scale.

What up, YouTube!

I'm gonna see if I can
give myself $1.6 million

to live with a bear.

After a week,

I f*cked the bear.

[everyone laughing]

It was crazy!

Me and the bear had consensual sex

multiple times over the course of 10 days.

What up, YouTube!

I've got 17 contestants
and they're gonna see

if they can win $500,000 by watching me

f*ck a gecko.

[Sam laughing]

Now, I know what you're thinking.

What's the game here?

That's for them to find
out and for you to watch.

What's up, YouTube!

I got a full train and I'm
gonna put it into a pit

so it explodes, and next to the pit,

I've got a snake pit and I
am wrapped up all in that.

What's up, YouTube!

Now, I've gotten a lot of
feedback and a lot of hate

from you guys, but that doesn't matter!

'Cause today, this is insane.

I've actually hired
the best sub technology

to get deep underground and
into the ocean so we can do

a little bit of deep sea
exploring, and you guessed it,

I'm gonna have tentacle
porn sex with a giant squid.

I've got 400 people in the
back of the sub watching me

f*ck a tentacle squid, and
see if they can win $2.6.

[buzzer buzzing]

- Wow, Jeremy.

- Whew!
- [Sam] Bravo.

- You can edit something there.

- [Sam] Absolutely, I can.


from Mr. Beast for you.

- Whoa.

- This was a sponsored segment.

- I quit.

- Kimia.
- Okay.

- A kid who's definitely the reason

their parents got divorced.

- So, which one of you
has me this weekend?

- We're gonna alternate every weekend.

- Okay, because this weekend,

I was thinking that we would
spend all weekend just hugging.

Just hugging and hugging me.

- Great, so you're actually
gonna go with Dad this weekend.

- Okay, and I want to eat a
bunch of peanut butter first,

and then we'll just be hugging
and hugging, sticky hugging.

- Yeah, so definitely
you're going with Dad, then.

- Yeah.
- Absolutely.

- I'll take you for
this weekend, for sure.

- If you want two weekends in a row-

- Well-

- And then after we do all that hugging,

we're gonna watch "Milo and
Otis" over and over and over.

- This weekend, right?
- Yeah, no, I can take that.

So far it doesn't sound too bad.

- And then you guys tell each other

that you love each other.
- So, no.

- So, that's not going to happen. So.

The thing is, we still love you.

- We love me.
- We love you.

- We love that we had you.

- Yeah, we love that we had you.

- So it's not me.

- Of course it's not you.

- It's definitely not you.
Oh my god, you're so sticky.

- Actually, that's
something you can talk about

with your dad this weekend.
- Yeah.

- What this is about.
- Uh-huh.

What would I say?
- I don't know.

- Because I need a lot of attention,

you guys stopped paying
attention to each other?

- Well, yeah.

- That's pretty succinct, actually.

[buzzer buzzing]
- And I'll cut you off there.

- We got there.

- This really became family
therapy at the very end.

- Really figured it out there.

I was like, what kind of
a menace do I want to be?

And then I turned into not one at all.

- Four points a week at Mom's
house and two at Dad's, Kimia.

Mr. Kurt.
- Mr. Sam.

- Trying a little too hard
to cry at an audition.

- Yeah, kiddo, I saw it.

I saw the home run, bud. I'm so...

I'm so proud of you.

I would've been proud
either way, kiddo, okay?

I'm so proud. Look at my
face, look how serious I am.

I'm so proud of you, kiddo.

- Cut for a second.
- Yeah.

- Thank you. Wow, that was great.

- Thank you.

- You know, the scene calls for crying.

You're going off book a lot.

- Okay. Just say the words.

- Stick to the script.
- Okay.

- That'd be awesome.
- Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.

- And whenever you're ready.

- I'm so proud of you!

[straining] I'm so proud of you, son!

A walk off home run is so cool.

It's so...

It's so...

I almost got one.

Look, look, look, look,
look, look. Zoom in.

- Okay, cut, cut, cut. Sorry.

So, that's not the lines at all.

A walk off home run is so
cool? That's not in the script.

Just try to stick to the script.

- You want me to cry on
"I'm so proud of you, son"?

- Yeah.
- f*ck that.

Okay, that's so little words.
- Yeah.

- I'll do a little more.

- Okay, whenever you're ready.
- Yeah.

- [painfully] I, your father,

the one who raised you,

because you are my son,
are so proud of you.

Proud.

Now, a sense of pride.

[Sam laughing]

- Okay, cut. Cut.

We're gonna have to clean.
I think you defecated.

[buzzer buzzing]

- Okay, well, at least something happened.

- Oh my god. Unbelievable.

Mr. Kurt, a we'll be in touch
amount of points for you.

[cheerful music]

That brings us to our first minigame.

- Oh!
- This is a little game

we like to call Who
Are You Supposed To Be?

Basically how it works is, players,

you are going to race over

to this trunk of
miscellaneous costume items,

pick whatever you like,
race back to your podium,

buzz in, and pitch to me
as if a child on Halloween

who you're supposed to be, make sense?

- Yeah.
- Oh yeah.

- On your mark, get set, go.

[cheerful music]

[buzzer dings]
Jeremy.

- I'm a wizard who loves weed.

- Yeah, he is.

- Look, alaka-zalaka-weed!
Look how big this blunt is.

f*ck, bro.

- A "Make Some Noise"
prompt that didn't make it.

[buzzer dings]
Kimia.

- I'm a baby at a Dodger game.

You couldn't not go to sports,

so I'm your baby, and you have to take me.

- Kimia, that's brilliant.

Bravo. Jeremy.
[buzzer dings]

- It's me, Sherlock "Home on the Range".

- Oh!

- There's a mystery afoot,

and I'm the only man who can solve it.

[buzzer dings]
- Mr. Kurt.

- I'm a shake and bake.

- Oh.

- It's a pun.
[buzzer buzzing]

Yeah, that's fair.

[buzzer dings]
- Jeremy.

- I'm a dapper lady on a Sunday morning.

Where am I from, England or the South?

You'll never know, 'cause I won't tell.

- I feel like Kimia's
getting deep into character.

- No, it's really bad.
[buzzer dings]

- Kimia.
- Hey! Stick 'em up!

Unless you can give me some bangs!

I'm robbing a hairdresser. It was so bad.

- Keep explaining it, keep explaining it.

[buzzer dings]
Jeremy.

- Oh my god, it's me, Sherlock sl*t.

[Sam and Kurt laughing]

Something went awry on my best
friend's bachelorette party,

and I think I'm the only
one who can solve it!

But maybe I'll get a little distracted.

[buzzer dings]
- Whoa, Mr. Kurt.

- I'm an 8th grader

changing in the locker
room for the first time.

Can you guys all turn around
please? Close your eyes.

You're zooming in, that's
the opposite of what I want.

[buzzer dings]
- Jeremy?

- We're desperately trying to
start a jam band drum circle.

Come on, everybody! You can join in!

- Our eyes are up here.
[Sam laughing]

- Our eyes are up here.

- Our eyes are up here, especially mine.

- This is like a really
awkward nudist colony.

Incredible.

[buzzer dings]
Kurt.

- I'm a fancy horse. Ask
me out for coffee sometime.

- You want to go out sometime?

- Nay.

[Crew laughing]

- Wow.

As if I didn't face enough
rejection in high school.

[buzzer dings]
Jeremy.

- It's me, Sherlock Airport.

I help at the airport, and
I solve a mystery or two.

[Sam and Kurt laughing]

[buzzer dings]
- Kimia.

- Welcome to the close up magic room.

Watch as I turn this hat

small.

[Sam laughing]

- What incredible prop work.
- [Kimia] Thank you.

[buzzer dings]
- Mr. Kurt.

- I'm Mr. Beastiality.

- And that's a minigame!
[Everyone laughing]

[upbeat music]

That brings us to round
two, where our players

will now test their
talents in teams of twos.

[all oohing]

- Oh.
- Two-ooh.

- Jeremy.
- Uh-huh.

- Kimia.
- Yeah.

- A driver and their GPS
have undeniable chemistry.

- Take the next left.
- [chuckles] Okay.

[Sam chortling]

- Oh, you missed it.
- Oh god. [chuckles]

- Sorry, I meant the left
before that. That's my bad.

- No, it's fine, it's my
bad. It's totally my bad.

- No, you could never do anything wrong.

It's my job to keep you on track.

- What are you talking about?

You literally can never do anything wrong.

You're a GPS, so.
- Yeah.

- Sorry, I missed the turn again.

- It's okay.
- This is crazy.

- Why don't you just
pull over for a second?

- Yeah, that sounds good.
[Sam and crew laughing]

- Destination reached.

I thought you'd like this place.

- Whoa, the views are amazing.
I can see the Hollywood sign.

- If you want...

No, never mind.

- No, what were you
going to say? It's cool.

- I've just been thinking,
and my ETA to love

is zero minutes and zero miles.

- Wow, I went through
a pretty bad breakup-

Oh, hello?

- Hey man, I don't know
what the f*ck's going on,

but you're going to get
one star if you don't

drop me off at the airport.
- [Jeremy] Dude. Dude.

Dude, wait.
- No, I'm cool with this.

Let him stay.
[buzzer buzzing]

- I love that so much.
- [Kurt] I'm gonna be late.

- A cut scene from "Her".

- [Jeremy And Kimia Together] Yeah.

[Kurt laughing]

A driver, roll up the partition please

amount of points for the both of you.

Kimia.
- Yes.

- And Mr. Kurt.
- Mr. Sam.

- How you wish your
upstairs neighbors behaved.

- [whispers] It's 10 AM.
- [whispers] Yeah.

- We should keep it down
for another eight hours.

- Absolutely.

- I'm gonna go get a snack.
Do you want anything, babe?

- No, but I'll help you
put on your sponge shoes.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- [Kurt] Go ahead.
- [Kimia] Okay.

Hang on, test.
[Kurt mimics sponge squishing]

Oh, nothing. Just sponge
sounds, which bothers only us.

- Us.
- And that's what we want.

- We hate it.
- Yeah.

- I haven't had a
vegetable in three months

'cause of the crunch.
- Oh yeah.

- The vegetables.
- That's tough.

I haven't gone downstairs
to leave the house.

- Because we're such an eyesore.

- I know, we're really ugly.

Get us a snack. Okay.

- Do you think maybe they'd be upset

if I flushed the toilet?

- We haven't even done that.

- I know, but it's just really
starting to smell in here

because we don't do that.

- But we can handle it.

- We can handle it.

- We have the capacity to handle it.

We don't know if down there,
if they can handle that.

- I have an idea.
- What?

- Let's just die.
- Die?

- Yeah.

- That's not bad.
- That's not a bad idea.

- What's the quietest way?

- sh*t.

Dying is so loud.
- So loud!

- We can't even f*cking die in here!

[buzzer buzzing]

- Dying so so loud! That's
the problem with it.

Three broom hits to the ceiling

amount of points for the both of you.

Mr. Kurt.
- Mr. Sam.

- And Jeremy.
- Uh-huh?

[Sam and Kurt laughing]

- A hero already getting over
the death of their sidekick

as he's bleeding out.

[Jeremy and Kurt groaning]

- I think I'm gonna be fine.
This is gonna work out for me.

- I got shot nine times.

- Jeremy.
- I'm dying.

- Look at me.
- Yeah?

- I gotta keep going.

- Don't forget me.
- How could I? J...

J-Rock.

- You can't say my name, Jeremy.

- J-Rock!
- You're already forgetting?

- No! No!

- You're already forgetting my name?

- Of course not. Look,
there's a boulder right here.

I could prop you up on the boulder,

look at that, and then I can let go.

Okay.

- I think I'm fading. I think-
- Okay.

- I think this is it for me. I think-

- All right, do you have any last words?

'Cause we should, uh...

Let's get 'em out. Want to
say something to your mom?

- What are you doing?
That means wrap it up?

Are you telling me to wrap it up?

- That's right. This is why
you're such a good sidekick.

- Oh god!
- [Kurt] Sorry. Sorry.

- You touched one of the b*llet holes!

- Is that the last word, then?
That's where the b*llet was?

- Before I go-
- Okay, yeah. Yeah.

- Being by your side-
- Uh-huh?

- ...has made me human again.
- Right.

- I think this is it.

- Okay. Cool, man.
[Jeremy groaning]

Sorry. We can have the boss battle now.

[Sam and Kimia laughing]

[buzzer buzzing]
- [Kurt] My bad.

- And cut, with the full screen cross.

We're just work friends amount of points

for the both of you.

Which brings us all
the way back to Jeremy.

- Uh-huh.

- And Kimia.
- Yes.

- Laying off your imaginary friend.

- Hey, Kimia. It's me, Gaboomp.

- I know. You want to come over here?

- What?
- [Kimia] Maybe sit down.

We need to have a chat.

- Sit down? What's going on, Kimia?

- I want to have a serious talk with you,

if you can be serious for a second.

- Well, you know Mr.
Gaboomp isn't serious.

He's all sillies and fun.

- Yeah, that's exactly what
I want to talk to you about.

- Oh.
- Mr. Gaboomp,

sometimes you're a little too
silly, a little too goofy.

- Look, I got your nose. I got your ears.

I'm wearing it. [laughs]

- You look ridiculous, okay?
- Oh.

- Sometimes we grow apart
because one of us is growing up,

and the other one is just Mr. Gaboomp.

And I think that I don't need you anymore.

I think you should go find

maybe someone else you can bring joy.

- What the f*ck am I gonna
do? Are you kicking me out?

You provide my healthcare
through the union.

If you let me go, my kid dies.

This is Li'l Gaboomp!
- [coughing] Li'l Gaboomp!

- He has Imaginary Disease.

- [Kurt] [coughing] It's incurable!

- So he's fine.
- No!

Imaginary Disease kills


- I'm supposed to let
you and your sick kid

run around in my brain?

I'm 32!

- I just didn't think you saw me

as just a layoff kind of person.

I've been there for your highest moments

and your lowest moments, provided for you

from thick and thin, and
you just f*cking cut me off?

I put 30 years into this company!


[Kurt sobbing]

Oh, shut up!

Oh, shut up! Not now!
[buzzer buzzing]

- Holy sh*t!

I love the absolute turn on a dime.

- Mr. Gaboomp's definitely
got some anger issues.

- [Kimia] Huge mood swings.

- A best of luck in your future
endeavors amount of points.

[Jeremy and Kurt laughing]

Kimia.
- Yes.

- And Mr. Kurt.
- You're nailing it, Mr. Sam.

- A cop pulls over his mommy.

[Kurt mimics tapping on window]

- Do you know why I pulled you...

[sighs] Mom.

- Honey.
- We've talked about this.

- When else am I gonna see you?

- I call all the time. I
literally call once a month.

- No, I have to be an APB
to get in contact with you.

- Did you call an APB on yourself again?

- I might have, and look, lucky me,

'cause I get to see my boy.

- [sighs] You're five hours from home.

Did you drive out here
just so I'd pull you over?

- Just to see you. Yeah, I did.

You'd be so lucky if I didn't have to,

if you'd come visit your mom.

- How do you know where I'm
stationed on the highway?

Did you turn location on my phone?

- On your phone?

- Yeah, pull out your phone. Turn it off.

- You don't get to ask
me to pull out my phone.

I can show you my ID.
- I'm a cop, Mom!

- I'm a cop!
- I can show you my ID.

- I know who you are!

You gotta stop treating me like I'm a kid!

- Okay, I understand.
[Kurt groans]

I'm stepping out of the car.

- Don't step out of the car.
- I'm stepping out of the car.

- I have to sh**t you if
you step out of the car.

[buzzer buzzing]
- What?!

- I like the little dose
of reality at the end.

That was really nice.

A why don't you call more amount of points

for the both of you.
- Nice.

- Last prompt of round two.

- What?

- Mr. Kurt.
- Mr. Sam.

- And Jeremy.
- Uh-huh?

- Two finalists at the normal guy pageant.

- Now, how would you
describe your perfect day?

- Ah, just chill.

[Sam laughing]

- That was great.
- Nice.

- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- [Kurt] Thanks, pal.

- Hey, sorry, hi.

- So how would you
describe your perfect day?

- Probably just chill.
- I do that too.

I do that too. That's tight.

Nice.

Nice. Oh, they're calling me back.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- This is actually the swimsuit portion.

- Oh, okay.
[Sam and crew laughing]

- Oh, you brought your trunks.

- Yeah.
- Nice.

- Yeah, I always have them on,

just in case something fun happens.

[Sam and Kimia laughing]

Thank you very much. Did
you bring a swimsuit?

You can borrow mine if you want.

- I brought mine.
- Nice.

- I always wear it just in
case something fun happens.

- [Kurt] Nice.

- Hi again. [chuckles] Hi.

Oh, yeah, now? Okay.
- Yeah.

- And yeah, it's the
same trunks that he has.

- Right, we can see that.
- It's from the Target.

Did your girlfriend buy these for you too?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- Crazy.

- Oh, you want us both
to answer a question

at the same time now?
- Yes.

- Sure, yeah.
- What's up?

- Okay, so on the count of
three, who do you love the most?

One, two, three.

- Scarlett Johansson.

- Easily ScarJo.
- [Kurt] ScarJo, yes.

- My girlfriend and I,
we would never do this,

but we always talk about like, what if?

And I always say Scarlett Johansson.

- My hall pass is also Scarlett Johansson.

- That's crazy.
- Me and my girlfriend,

we talk about it not a lot, but sometimes.

Usually around my birthday.

- I had my birthday at a beer garden.

- When's your birthday?

- March 3rd.
- March 3rd.

Don't you wish it was May 4th?

- Oh, so we could say...

- [Both] May the 4th be with you.

- That's funny to me.
- It's really funny.

- I will cut you off there.
[buzzer buzzing]

- [Sam] It was sort of sweet
and tragic at the same time.

Two bowls of room temperature
points for the both of you.

- Ooh.

[cheerful music]

- That brings us to our final minigame.

This is a little minigame we
like to call Back to Basics.

Now, I've gotten some
feedback from fans of the show

that they miss the old, simple,

straightforward version of "Make
Some Noise", which is fair.

And so, players, we're going to have

a very simple noise making competition.

- Oh.
- I am going to give you each

some very simple prompts.

You will try as best as you can to make

those sounds accurately.
- Uh-huh.

- [Sam] Make sense?
- Yes.

- Jeremy, we'll start with you.

Horse.

[Jeremy whinnying]

[Jeremy snorting]

Really solid.

- I started out stereotypical
and found it halfway through.

- Yeah.
- Really made it your own.

- Kimia.

[Kimia whinnies with the
inflection of a human laugh]

Kimia, that started
with a lot of potential,

and then you bailed as
if out of a moving car.

[Kimia whinnies intensely]

Honestly, pretty darn good.

- Wow.
- Gosh.

- Mr. Kurt.

[Kurt snorts like a horse]

- He didn't even f*cking neigh.

- [Sam] Wow!
- That's it.

He didn't even do a hard one.

- Yeah, you're a poser.
Your horse is a poser.

- I think that I'm going to
say that point goes to Kimia.

- Yeah.

- Next up, Jeremy.

A baby.

[Jeremy makes realistic
baby fussing noises]

[Jeremy wailing]

[Jeremy suckling]

- It's breastfeeding at the end?

- Yeah, it got the nip.
- [Sam] Wow.

That was very good. Kimia.

[Kimia cries like a
baby with a stuffy nose]

I love that we're getting
two tries with you each go.

[Kimia makes a strangled croaking noise]

- This baby is sick!

It's a sick baby! Hang on, hang on.

- I love that.
- [Kimia] Okay.

- [Sam] Mr. Kurt.

- [bro-like] No babe, you
can't look at my phone!

Okay? 'Cause I don't want
you to look at my phone!

When you get mad, it makes me mad.

So let me play video games, god!

The boyfriend's a baby.
- [Sam] Ah!

I really like-
- That's good.

- ...the meta take there, Kurt.

But I am going to say
that point goes to Jeremy.

- That was a baby.

- Jeremy, back to you.
Falling down the stairs.

- Hmm, I'll be right back. Oh! [grunting]

[Jeremy makes repeated impact noises]

Oy! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

[imitates rolling across
a staircase landing]

[repeated impact noises continue]

[rolling noises]

[impact noises accelerate]

[Jeremy screams]

[Jeremy grunts]

[painfully] I'm okay.

- Were there several landings?
- Flights. Flights of stairs.

- There were moments of rest.
- Yeah.

- Kimia.

- Oh yeah, I'll be right down.

Whoa!

[Kimia grunting]

[Kimia grunting]

- Ow!

[Kimia pants]

[Kimia sobbing]
[Sam laughing]

I'm okay, I'm okay. I'm okay, I'm fine.

- I think this person is sick too.

- I like how they fell one
stair at a time. [grunts]

[Jeremy grunts]

- It's slow.
- Kurt.

[Kurt yawns]

[Kurt grunting]

[Kurt groans]

- Oh, my f*cking knee!
Oh, f*cking Wednesday.

Good, f*cking good. Good, Kurt. [groans]

f*cking hip.
- Wow.

That was like a good method take.

- Yeah.

- I am going to say
that point goes to you.

- Yes.

- Which means it's a tie across the board,

and this is our tie-breaking
prompt, our final one.

Jacob Wysocki. Jacob Wysocki.

[players cheering]

- Wow! Oh my god!
- Can we touch him?

- [Jacob] My friends!
My long-lost friends!

- [Kimia] Wow.

- Hi, guys.

- [Sam] Thank you for being here, dude.

- Yes!
- Hello.

- Hey, don't hold back now.

You know what I mean?
- I have to go first? Okay.

[Jeremy cackling in a Jacob-like manner]

[cackling continues]

[flatly] No, yeah, I actually
find that pretty interesting.

- That is good, Jeremy!

Something about the posture.
- Yeah.

- [Sam] Something about this. Kimia.

- Wassup?

Wassup? [growling]

[Kimia growling]

[Jacob laughs]

- That's good.

- That's very good.

Mr. Kurt.

- For real, Sam? For reals?

f*ck that, Sam. I'm
f*cking over it, all right?

This f*cking amateur
f*cking sh*t! I'm out!

I'm f*cking out!

- [Sam] Wow.
- That was good. Scene.

- A callback to a different show.

- Crazy. Great job, guys.

- It feels like a worthy tribute.

- That was great. That was great.

- I don't know, Jake. What do you think?

- Everybody was so accurate,
but I think the one that

made me feel like I was watching
myself was truly Kimia's.

- [Sam] Hell yeah, Kimia.
- Yes!

This is what I get for copying Jacob

in every show that he's also in.

I just do what he does!

- Jake, would you do us a favor

and stick around for round three?

- How could I say no?
- Oh!

- In that case, we'll see
you after this transition.

[cheerful music]

That brings us to round
three, where our players

will now hold hands and jump
into the abyss together.

Jake.
- Jake's here.

- Jeremy.
- Uh-huh.

- Kimia.
- Yeah.

- Mr. Kurt.
- Mr. Sam.

- A 90s sitcom audience keeps
doing the wrong response.

- Hey!

- Who's that?
- Aw.

- [Jeremy] You know that one?
- I haven't seen this one.

- [laughs] Look at his face!

- He looks like a thumb.

[Kurt continues laughing]

- More of him!

- Keep showing his thumb face!

- Thumby!

- Mom, I had a really rough day at school.

- 'Cause your face is thumb.

- Kids were bullying me.
[Kurt laughs]

- They're just bullying
you 'cause they're jealous.

[both blowing raspberries]

- It's like they're farting.
- Yeah.

[both continue blowing raspberries]

- You can see it on their face.

You can see it on their
face that they're farting.

- What could they be jealous of?

I'm just a stupid idiot with no friends.

- True!

So true. Relatable, #relatable.

- Did you notice that his
hands are also like thumbs?

- You know what they're jealous of?

They're jealous of my
favorite thing about you,

your silly, goofy dance.

[both oohing]

- sh*t, bro! The mom's getting in on it!

- [Jacob] Roast him again!
- [Kurt] Hit him again!

- Cut him at the knee!
- Get his a*s!

- I don't want to do
my silly, goofy dance.

It's not gonna make me
feel any better right now.

- You can do it. I believe in you.

- Kiss!

[Sam and crew laughing]

I want the mom and son to kiss.

- [Kurt] Kiss!

- Okay, I think if you
really are insisting

I do my silly, goofy dance,

but I'm not gonna be happy about it.

- It's gonna be so funny
and everyone's gonna laugh.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

- Well, hopefully it makes me feel better.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

[imitating sobbing]

[buzzer buzzing]
- And I'll cut you off there.

I want to see the mom and son kiss!

An "Aw!" amount of points
for the four of you.

Jacob.
- Jake's here.

- Jeremy.
- Uh-huh?

- Kimia.
- Mm-hm?

- Mr. Kurt.
- Mr. Sam.

- Baseball hotdog vendors
get into a bidding w*r.

- Hotdog!

- Oh yeah.
- No, wait! Hotdog!

Hotdog! Hotdog?

- Yeah.
- $5 hotdog.

- Eeee-Hotdog!
- Whoa.

- Eeeeeeeeeeee-Hotdog!

- Hotdog! Hot-
- Hotdog! Hotdog!

- Hotdog!

- I got chili and cheese
in a backpack. Ee-Hotdog!

- Hey, you can't bring that from home!

- Hey, I brought it from home.
- You can't do that!

- You can't do that!

- Do you have chili and
cheese in a backpack?

- I got a pasta dog! Pasta dog!

- What? What are you saying?
- Pasta? Pasta?

- It's hotdog and cold pasta.

- Cold pasta on top of the dog?

- The wife said it's a good idea! Hotdog!

- Just a classic hotdog. Ketchup, mustard.

- You can't go wrong with a-
- $5!

- Five?
- $4.75.

- No, you can't do that!

- You give me five, I
give you a quarter back.

- What?
- Ee-Hotdog!

- $3.50, you give me a 10,
I'll give you $6.50 back.

- I'll sit with you.
- Oh!

- We can eat it together.
I'll be your friend.

- I am at the baseball game alone.

- He's alone!

Hotdog and a friend?
- I'll kiss you!

I'll kiss you right on
the hotdog-eating mouth.

- All right, best kiss.
Best kiss gets the hotdog.

- Best kiss?

- That's nice.

- You wanted it too bad.
- f*ck!

- [Jacob] You wanted it too bad.

- You look like you have soft lips!

- [Jacob] Whoa, whoa!
- And I'll cut this off there.

[buzzer buzzing]

- That's all staying in.

- 40 points, get your 40 points here!

- 40 points.
- Nice.

- The last prompt of our game.
[Kimia gasps]

- Sheesh.
- Jacob.

- Jacob's here.

- Jeremy.
- Uh-huh.

- Kimia.
- Yes.

- Dr. Kurt.
- I'll take it.

- The angel, the devil,

and some guy who loves
pottery on your shoulders.

- Hmm, which flavor of
ice cream do I want?

Should I even get ice cream today?

- You know you want ice cream.
- I know.

- So why don't we just
choose to get some ice cream?

- [poofs] But we did want to
start off a healthy year. - Yeah.

- No shame in having ice cream

every now and then.
- Right.

- But you wanted a little reminder.

- That's true.

- My hands are sticky.

[Kurt and Sam chuckling]

- Who's that there?

- It's me. My hands are sticky right now.

- Okay, I think I'm
gonna get just a scoop.

Just a little scoop.

- But why not two
scoops, and maybe a cone?

- You made a great decision.
One scoop for one treat.

- You can lean in and
indulge just a little.

- My studio that I'm a
student at is shutting down.

So I've had to do it at
home, and it's very sticky.

[Sam laughing]

What kind of bowls do they have?

- It looks like paper bowls,
which is kind of boring,

so maybe I should get a cone.

- So boring.
- Maybe I should get a cone.

- But cone is kind of empty calories.

- Yeah.
- But the bowl

kind of holds it perfectly.
- Who cares?

Be a little hedonistic, lean into your-

- There's an Indiegogo
for the studio right now.

- Man, we're kind of doing something here.

We're kind of doing something here,

and I feel like you're
just crashing a little bit.

- Don't give up, bud.
People need your pottery.

You can do this.
- I know.

- Your pottery is great. Let
'em know that you love it.

- My hands are so sticky!
[buzzer buzzing]

- I think I will cut this off there.

- Why stick to the simple
thing that's going so well?

- The greatest trick the devil ever pulled

was convincing the world

the guy who likes pottery doesn't exist.

- Wow.

- 666 points to you all.

- Yeah!

- That brings us to the end of our show.

Our winner this eve...
[players drumming]

Kurt Maloney!
[players cheering]

Kurt, you are the recipient

of the coveted golden ear.
- Hell yeah!

- That is yours to take home, for real.

- For real?
- For real.

- Wow.
- He needed it.

- That does it for us
here at "Make Some Noise".

Tune in next time for
more of the game samer.

I'm Sam Reich, and that sounds
pretty good to me. Goodnight.

[cheerful music continues]