00x02 - Patagonia Special: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

JEREMY CLARKSON:
Hello and welcome

to the 11th Top Gear Special,
which for once

is actually being transmitted
quite close to the birthday
of baby Jesus.

Unless you're
watching a repeat.

Yes, James.
Unless you're
watching the repeat.

Well, it's quite confusing...

Anyway, 2014 marked
the 60th anniversary of
the cheap to make,

maximum-bangs-for-your-bucks
small-block V8.

And the producers thought
it would be a good idea for us
to celebrate the moment.

Yes, especially since,
as a lot of people are saying,

owing to environmentalism,

the need for
greater fuel economy,

the V8 could soon be
a thing of the past.

Quite,
so the producers told us

to buy three old
V8-powered cars

and report with them
to a hotel near the
town of Bariloche

here in Argentina.

CLARKSON: This was
the meeting point,
in the middle

of what's billed as
Argentina's Lake District.

And I was the first to
arrive in a magnificent
Porsche 928 GT.

That is quite a view
and this is quite a car.

I have always loved 928s,
'cause they were just
so futuristic.

I mean, this car
is 23 years old

and it looks like it was
designed yesterday.

And it was the last
good-looking car that
Porsche ever made.

And, although it's a V8,
it's quiet and dignified
and elegant.

If this were a person,
it would go to embassy

c*ck parties
and know many things.

-[CAR APPROACHING]
-Traditional V8s would push
you in the swimming pool

and then fart
and think it was funny.

Traditional V8s,
well, like this, for example,

they're brash and they're loud
and they're childish.

[HORN PLAYS MELODY]

What have you done, Hammond?

There it is, not just a V8,

the definitive V8.

-CLARKSON: Is it?
-Ford Mustang, the Mach One.

Look at it.

It's a bit...

-It's brilliant.
-Unnecessary.

No, it's not.
That's the whole point of it.

It's stripped down.
Everything on it is
functional, purpose...

CLARKSON: Is it?
RICHARD HAMMOND: Yes.

This rear spoiler,
what does it do?

Nothing.

Does the front splitter
do anything?

-No.
-Racing fuel filler cap?

HAMMOND: No,
it's just a cover.

CLARKSON: Is the engine


No, no, it's not.

Why then has it got
a 19-foot bonnet?

Well, because they decided
they wanted

to make the Mustang
bigger in '71,

so they did
and they did that by

just making it bigger.

-This is all just pointless?
-No, it's bigger.

And that is
the ram air, and that's

a Edelbrock
carb underneath it,

the plenum there, it works.

I mean, if I were nine,

it would be tremendous,
but I'm not.

I mean,
it's all just preposterous.

HAMMOND: [CHUCKLING]
It's brilliant is what it is!

It's the essence of V8ness.

CLARKSON: Shall we just
turn our attention now

to the elephant that
isn't in the room.

-Uh, yeah.
-Captain Lost.

-What do you think...
-HAMMOND: I don't know...

I've been thinking,
I don't know.

Had to be a V8, so I thought
it'll be a Mercedes.

He'll have gone, like
he did in Botswana, solid.

Er, I thought, I reckon he's
gone for Range Rover.

CLARKSON: In fact, we couldn't
have been more wrong.

CLARKSON: No way!
That is not him!

HAMMOND: [CHUCKLES]
Not serious!

CLARKSON: He's gone
completely mad!

-I bet he thinks he's Bond.
-He does think he's Bond.

Don't say anything
about his suit.

-HAMMOND: No.
-Hi.

-Gentlemen. The Lotus Esprit.
-HAMMOND: Isn't it?

Twin turbo V8.

Have you been on
a Top Gear Special before?

-HAMMOND: I've seen
you on them.
-Yes.

HAMMOND: You have,
I've seen you there.

-Yes, I have, I have.
-CLARKSON: He definitely has.

-James, they're tough.
-HAMMOND: Yeah.

CLARKSON: Some viewers
don't know this

but Lotus does not have
a good reputation for quality.

Some say that this stands for,

"Lots Of Trouble,
Usually Serious."

It has a hand-built V8 engine
with two turbo chargers

designed by a specialist
small British
car-making company.

And that is a byword
for reliability

-and motoring pleasure.
-[HAMMOND LAUGHING]

-We know that.
-It's just not,
and you know that.

Can we just run through
some of the detailing on it?

-Carry on.
-The door handles
on this model

-are from a Vauxhall Cavalier.
-JAMES MAY: Correct.

CLARKSON: Door mirrors
are from a Citroen.

Don't touch it.

-The gearbox in this
is from a Renault 25.
-MAY: Correct.

Because that was
the best gearbox
they could find?

Or the only one
that would fit?

It was the only
one that would fit.

And of course,
the body is made from exactly

the same material as
a lavatory seat.

HAMMOND: Or a bucket.

Anyway, have you finished
being envious of my car?

If I can move on,
the Porsche 928.

-Yes.
-Fascinating.

-Hammond!
-[HAMMOND LAUGHS]

Wowzers! I do like that,

in a slightly
Richard Hammondy sort of way.

Is that a Mach One?

-HAMMOND: It certainly is.
-[MAY LAUGHS]

-Yeah, yeah.
-CLARKSON: Look at that.

-Tell me that isn't
magnificent...
-HAMMOND: ...ly boring.

CLARKSON: It isn't.
MAY: I'm glad
it's grey, though.

-CLARKSON: Why?
-Well, because
it's very business-like.

You can advise me on
my mortgage later on.

I am, as always, the voice
of reason and wisdom
on this programme.

CLARKSON: We could have
bickered forever
but at this point

our challenge arrived.

[CLARKSON CLEARS THROAT]

"You will now drive 130 miles
to the house where
Butch Cassidy lived

"when he was on the run
from the law."



-Hang on, that's it?
-That's somewhere interesting.

I thought there was
going to be another,

you know, there's usually
the other paragraph.

-"...to where
Butch Cassidy lived."
-I love Butch Cassidy.

My favourite film
in the entire world
is Butch Cassidy.

And all I've got to do is
drive a Porsche 928


there on roads.

So I say hear it this way,
all he's got to do is drive

[CHUCKLING]
a Lotus Esprit 130 miles.

I can see now
where they're going with this.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
They've tailored it for you.

CLARKSON: Amazed at
the apparent easiness
of our challenge,

we fired up the V8s...

[ENGINES REVVING]

[HORN PLAYS MELODY]

...and plunged into
the magnificence of
Argentina's heartland.

The roads are lovely.
Proper roads, paved,
very pretty.

I think the producers
have lost it.

I'd turn over if I were you.
I wouldn't watch this.

Three comfortable
middle-aged men
driving lovely cars.

That's not... That's not
really very good television.

So the situation report,
I have 128 miles to go

but everything's working.
Er, the road is very nice.

Uh... Phew!
We're going to have
to spin this out a bit.

CLARKSON: To do just that,
we decided to
talk about our cars.

HAMMOND:
This particular Mustang

came along at
a really critical
time for the V8,

because this was 1971.

In 1972, America started
introducing all sorts of
restrictions

because of emissions and fuel,
and they strangled them.

So many people regard '71
as the last proper year of
the full-on,

full-bore, full raw V8.

[ENGINE ROARS]

Hammond and Clarkson
are absolutely right,
the Lotus is a risk.

Of course the
Porsche will work,
it was made by Porsche.

They're more German than
normal Germans

when it comes to
doing things properly.
They're brilliant at it.

But it's a bit safe,
it's a bit grey,

it's a bit business-like.

The Mustang will work,
because it's just a piece of

American clog iron.
It's low stress.

Designed to run all day.

This.

Yes, this came from Norfolk
and this was built by blokes.

Of course it's fragile
but that's what makes
it interesting.

And it's the
best-looking and
it's the fastest

and it's the reddest.

CLARKSON: I know
Hammond and May think
my 928 Porsche is a bit dull

but for one very good reason,
it isn't dull to me.

You see, back in 1994,
I was living in London,

I got a call one
evening from my mum

to say that my dad
was desperately ill
in a hospital in Sheffield

and I needed to get there
as quickly as possible.

And I'd just taken a chicken
out of the oven and I thought,

"Well, I'll take that
for my mum, 'cause
she won't have eaten",

ran outside and I had
a 928 on test that week.

And when I
arrived in Sheffield,
the chicken was still warm

and my dad was still alive.

In fact he died
half an hour later.

And the truth is, if I hadn't
been driving a car

which could sit quite happily
at 170 miles an hour,

I wouldn't have had
the opportunity to say
goodbye to my dad.

So as far as I'm concerned
the 928 is all right.

HAMMOND: Soon we arrived
at a rather
Germanic-looking town.

This town that we're in now
is called Bariloche

and there really is no nice
way of putting this,

it became a haven
for n*zi w*r criminals.

Between 1946,
a critical date,
and 1952,

twelve thousand Germans
came to live in this
neck of the woods.

The man who founded
the Hitler Youth,

he started the ski club
in the town.

Adolf Eichmann lived here.
Josef Mengele took his
driving test here.

Failed, apparently.

[HAMMOND'S CAR HORN HONKING]

Yes, it's a sombre topic.
But fortunately

Hammond's enlivened it
with his La Cucaracha horn.

MAY: Once out of Berlineroche,
the roads opened up

and Hammond could
discover the joys of
his muscle car

at full chat.

Big speed now
and I'll be honest,
it is quite alarming,

this steering is...

There's a lot of play and er,
it's kind of vague. Yeah.

CLARKSON: Meanwhile,
James and I had become

entangled in a bit of
a dogfight.

Target locked.

MAY: I've got him.

Die!

[CLARKSON LAUGHS]

Sod it!

CLARKSON: I've caught
him napping.

You have sown the wind
and you shall reap
the whirlwind.

Here we go,
here we go, here we go.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Yes. Take that.

[CLARKSON GRUNTS]

Look, he's just roaring off!

I've got
a five-litre engine here.

James only has
three and a half.

Mind you, with two turbos.

No sign of Hammond, strangely,
with his massive 5.8-litre V8.

HAMMOND: Oh-h*! Oh!

Those two are clearly
enjoying a bit of a joust.

Jeremy's Porsche's got passive
rear-wheel steering.

They've both got
proper suspension.

I haven't got any
of those things
on my Mustang

so I'm going to
stay out of it

and do a lot of steering
just to go in a straight line.

CLARKSON: There was another
problem with the Mustang,

it was extremely thirsty.

And soon, Hammond needed
to stop for fuel.

As May and I waited
in the coffee shop...

Made Lotus famous,
like steering feel,

-performance...
-Hmm.

CLARKSON: Hammond filled up.

But from where
we were sitting,

it didn't look like
he was doing that at all.

-...not metal.
-Sorry to interrupt,

but I think Hammond really
loves that Mustang.

[CLARKSON LAUGHING]

What is he doing?

CLARKSON: With the muscle
car fed, it looked like
we were going to complete

our simple 130-mile challenge.

Yeah.

CLARKSON: But then...

What's... Ooh!

That is smoking. He's smoking.

Hammond, you're smoking,
you're smoking badly.

Oh, [BLEEP]

I'm stopping. I'm stopping.
I've lost steering.

Oh!

CLARKSON: One and
a half miles from Butch...
MAY: One and a half miles.

CLARKSON:
Butch Cassidy's house.

Just talk me through it.

-Power steering,
thrown all its oil out, fluid.
-CLARKSON: Mmm-hmm.

-That's what was
making the smoke...
-I'm not interested.

[TYRES SCREECHING]

One and a half miles!

[GUFFAWS]

Yeah, that's the dipstick
for the fluid.

And it's completely empty.
It's all come out.

There it is!

Oh, my God!
I'm going to stay here,

where Butch lived.

I know that film off by heart.
I know all the lines.

-Would you like to hear some?
-No.

The film said it was Bolivia
and he did actually die
in Bolivia

but they found
him here and he ran
and got away with it again.

Right.

CLARKSON: I don't care
that it's not luxurious.

I've got my own pillow

and Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance Kid.

-He probably built that door.
-[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

MAY: Over an early
evening drink,

Jeremy was still going on
about his favourite topic.

Don't you watch it every week?

-MAY: No.
-I do.

Battle of Britain's top five

but Butch Cassidy's
number one,

Local Hero number two.

What about Where Eagles Dare,
though?

-No, not top five.
-No?

Not as good as
Battle of Britain.

It's not as good as,
but nothing's as good
as Battle of Britain.

And then neither of them are
as good as Butch Cassidy
and the Sun...

-Oh, look who's here.
-[HAMMOND GRUNTING]

[CLARKSON LAUGHING]

No! No, no!

Don't, uh...

Norman Wisdom,
ladies and gentlemen,
has arrived.

MAY: But now he's stuck,
you know.

Oh, it's run over him,
everybody, I'm sorry.

Oh, [BLEEP]

Yeah, all... The producers say
they'll count that as if
you've made it.

MAY: Yeah, you're in
the same field.

CLARKSON: Well done, mate.
HAMMOND: Yeah.

CLARKSON: Look where you are,
Butch Cassidy's actual house.

-HAMMOND: That is it,
genuinely for real?
-CLARKSON: Yeah.

Do you live in something
like that in Wales?

-HAMMOND: Pretty much, yeah.
-Wait a minute.

What? What?

What? We've done it.
We're here.

Come on.
I'm nearly here, look.

-Wait a minute.
-Well...

They've crossed out the one
they gave us this morning

and written
another one in felt tip.

"You haven't finished yet.
More news in the morning."

-We haven't finished?
-More news?

They've obviously realised
that they haven't filled
two hours.

Your soft...

white...

flesh.

Mine, all mine!

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

[EVIL LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

Basically, I am Paul Newman,

same colour eyes, middle aged.

I like being this.

What are you doing?

It's a scene
from Butch Cassidy.

Yeah, I know that bit
but that's not a bicycle,

he's really not Katharine Ross
and I'm a rubbish shot.

[STAMMERS] I'm just having...
We're at Butch Cassidy's
house!

Oh, this is it.

Thank you.

-This is the challenge.
[CLEARS THROAT]
-HAMMOND: Go on.

"You will now drive to Ushuaia
in Tierra del Fuego.

"It's the southernmost city
in the world,

"the gateway to Antarctica

"and the last outpost
of civilisation in the
southern hemisphere.

"It was also the port
from which the Belgrano,

"the battleship sailed
on its fateful voyage

"at the start of
the Falklands w*r.

"As a result, anti-British
feelings run high there.

"So you will use
your diplomatic skills
to build bridges."

-We don't have any
diplomatic skills.
-MAY: No.

No, but we're good
at building bridges.
We can do that.

No, it's a figure of speech.

It doesn't literally mean
build a bridge.

Yeah. Absolutely not. It says,

"When you arrive in Ushuaia,

"you must build
a football stadium

"and host a game
of car football

"against a team
from Argentina."

Really?

So we're using ours cars
in car football?

Mine's a bit big.

Against a team, right...

In Tierra del Fuego?

-How far is it?
-How far is it?

MAN: 1,600 miles.

One thousand
six hundred miles?

-In a Lotus?
-[HAMMOND SNIGGERS]

CLARKSON: On the way
to the tip of South America,

our brittle, ageing,
complicated cars
would face deserts,

blizzards,

snowdrifts, mud,

-swamps.
-[ENGINE REVVING]

Gruelling mountain tracks
and jagged coastlines.

It would be an epic journey.

But before it could begin,

Hammond had to
mend his Mustang's
power steering,

which meant
I had time to k*ll.

[60S INSTRUMENTAL BUBBLEGUM
POP MUSIC PLAYING]

[COW MOOING]

-HAMMOND: Is he
still doing it?
-Mmm-hmm.

-HAMMOND: Okay.
-It won't have it.

MAY: Actually, I do remember
this bit in the film,

because Paul Newman
rides around on the bicycle,

-doesn't he?
-HAMMOND: Yeah.

And then Katharine Ross
does a little playful
"ha-ha-ha!" giggle

and throws some
straw in his face.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Is that right? Yeah.

-[LOG THUMPS]
-CLARKSON: Ow!

MAY: After we'd
dealt with Jeremy and
bodged the power steering,

we headed south.

Is the Lotus Esprit V8 a good
choice for a 1,600-mile drive
through Patagonia?

In all honesty, no.

But, and the question
I'm asking myself, viewers,

is will Hammond's
Mustang make it?

And I can't really explain
this but when I stand
near an old car,

I get a feeling when I know
it's a good one,

and I'm not getting
that feeling with
Hammond's Mustang.

It feels like it's hanging on.

Oh, no!
My seat belt's
fallen apart again.

CLARKSON: To reach
our destination, we decided
to head into Chile

and pick up
the important-sounding
"road to the south".

This meant crossing the Andes,
and as that sounded
complicated,

I put myself in charge.

Well, it strikes me
that if we've got to
cross the Andes,

we should do that here
rather than further south,

because there'll be
less snow here.

Right,
that's a better idea, is it?

CLARKSON: [ON RADIO]
It's a brilliant idea
so we shall...

We'll cross them up here.

At first, my plan went well.

This road is
simply mesmerizing.

We even found a way to amuse
ourselves during the Mustang's
endless fuel stops.

[SOUL MUSIC PLAYING]

-[CLARKSON LAUGHS]
-MAY: Look at his face.

CLARKSON: After we set off
we discovered why we kept
having to stop.

-[ON RADIO] Hammond!
-What?

Just put your foot down hard.

[ENGINE ROARS]

Yeah, I think I know why
your fuel consumption's
quite poor.

Map of the Falkland Islands
with "Argentina's forever."

That is a straight face
I'm pulling right now,
straight.

I will not spark
fury on this trip.

This is the new me,
the smart me, the clever me.

CLARKSON: Soon, the road
I'd chosen got a bit worse.

[RATTLING AND CRUNCHING]

[BLEEP]

Ooh, oh, oh.

MAY: [GRUNTS] God!
Oi, Clarkson,

are you telling me
that if you drive from
Argentina to Chile

this is the main road?
Cos I don't believe it.

CLARKSON: [ON RADIO]
Yes, it is.

Just goes to show,
doesn't it, really,

about how brilliant cars are,
because...

[CAR CRUNCHING]

[GROANS]

CLARKSON: And then the road
disappeared altogether.

Oh, Lord.

CLARKSON: Which wasn't ideal
in cars like these.

HAMMOND: [ON RADIO]
James, we're the idiots,

we listened to him
with a suggestion for a route.

Relax, we're nearly there now.

-Ow. Ow.
-[CAR RATTLING]

Oh! Bad noises!

MAY: I don't know
what's best, keep going
on Clarkson's stupid route,

turn around and go back
and find another one.

HAMMOND: Oh! Oh!

Oh, dear.

[BLEEP]

Oh, bloody hell. c*ck Nora!

How can you not
like this road?

-Go away.
-It's brilliant.

CLARKSON: And then,
inevitably...

HAMMOND: Oh! Oh,
I've lost steering.

CLARKSON:
Having rescued James...

[MAY CHEERS]

CLARKSON: We decided
to leave Hammond,

and though we were
soon out the woods,

we weren't out of the woods.

Oh, my...

Come on, don't let me
down now, little Porsche.

[CRUNCHING AND RATTLING]

CLARKSON: Here,
the Lotus was way out
of its comfort zone.

-[CAR THUDS]
-Ah!

[ENGINE REVVING]

CLARKSON:
But, amazingly, it made it.

I am absolutely staggered
that Lotus is still working.

Absolutely,
properly staggered.

Well, yeah, I'd love to
be able to say that
was great fun.

-[CHUCKLES]
-[CLARKSON LAUGHS]

CLARKSON: Shortly afterwards,
James and I arrived
at the Chilean border.

I knew my route
across the Andes
would be good, and it is.

And having bodged the bodge
on his steering,

Hammond, too, was on the move.

But other gremlins were
starting to appear.

Oh, my God.
I've lost third gear.

CLARKSON: So, as he caught
40 winks at the border post,

May and I decided
to cheer him up.

Don't pull any more
backing off yet.

[CAR HORN TOOTS]

[CLARKSON KNOCKS ON WINDOW]

[CLARKSON SNIGGERS]

What? Why have you
put that on my car?

CLARKSON:
In Chile, Hammond was not
impressed with our efforts.

How's your Peugeot, Hammond?

HAMMOND: Shut up.

CLARKSON: [ON RADIO]
I've basically put
Peugeot stickers on it

to try and make it
more reliable.

Sadly though,
that didn't work.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

I hate to say this,
I've lost power
steering again.

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

CLARKSON: Leaving
Hammond once more,

James and I decided
to enjoy a road

that could have
been purpose built

for our finely tuned
European thoroughbreds.

Oh, wow! The feel
through the steering here.

Into the corner,
feel the front,

shoving its shoulder
into the job.

We forget these days
how good cars used to be.

Not at safety,
not at fuel economy,
not at emissions,

just joy, just handling.

I'm absolutely confident
I am now having a better time

because I'm in
the car designed
for this sort of thing.

It's mid-engined.

And of course, if you have
a mid-engine car,
it looks cool.

Oh, [BLEEP]

[TYRES SCREECHING]

Jesus wept!

[CLEARS THROAT] Yes.

What I was just demonstrating
there was the other side of
the mid-engined argument,

which is, when it does go it,
it goes a bit more quickly.

He'll now be sitting
up to here in his
own excrement.

Despite this, though,
we pressed on,

savouring the whole point
of our being here,
our engines.

Listen to that, the grumble
of an offbeat V8.

I'll knock it down to second
so you can hear
the proper roar.

-Listen to that.
-[ENGINE ROARING]

MAY: In the next town,
we pulled over
for a nerdy chat

about what makes
a V8 so special.

CLARKSON: It is
a charismatic engine.

That's why we like V8s,
it's cos they are imperfect.

Yes, very.

Unlike a straight six engine,

where you've got
six cylinders in line.

In one of those,
when one piston
is going down

another one's coming up,
so it sort of balances itself

-and makes it smooth.
-Yes.

A V8 is inherently unbalanced,
because when one piston's
going down,

there isn't necessarily
another one going up
to balance it.

Exactly, and they're not going
in the same direction,
are they? Cos...

Yeah, exactly, so they are,
sort of, doing that.

So that's what makes
a V8 wobbly.

It is, it's inherently wobbly.

-And charismatic.
-Yes.

CLARKSON: But the V8
in your car isn't the same,
is it?

Because, and I never thought
I would use these words
on Top Gear,

it has a flat plane crank.

-Very good!
-Exactly.

In yours, the engine
cylinders they go...

[TAPPING IN RHYTHM]

So you get two firing
on the same side.
Mine just goes...

[TAPPING FASTER RHYTHM]

So, yours is
like Charlie Watts,

and the other V8, mine,
is more Keith Moon.

-There's a bit more going on.
-MAY: Yes.

And that's what makes
the difference. That's why
traditional V8s,

i.e., the American style V8,
which is sort of what
yours is,

they burble, but mine snarls.

CLARKSON: Our colleague
then turned up having bodged
the bodge of his bodge.

[CLARKSON PLAYS
DRUM ROLL ON TABLE]

-Fixed?
-Yeah.

Right, let's go! Come on.

-Coffee good?
-Yeah, it was lovely.

-CLARKSON: It was delicious.
-Good.

MAY: [ON RADIO]
Jeremy Clarkson, James May.

CLARKSON: [ON RADIO]
Yes, what's wrong?

MAY: [ON RADIO]
Uh, I was just thinking
of re-mortgaging my house

and wondering if I should
go for a fixed rate

or a flexible policy,
what do you think?

CLARKSON: As you well know,
businessmen do not drive

cars of this nature.

How was the turnip harvest
last year?

MAY: It's all very well
being rude about
the people of Norfolk,

but so far they seem to have
built the best car.

It hasn't gone wrong,
it goes off road

and it saved me
when I made a c*ck-up.

HAMMOND: We continued
on Jeremy's idiotic route
until we reached this.

Oh, my God!

[EAGLE CAWING]

MAY: Is this for cars?

CLARKSON: Well, get out
and have a jump on it, James,
and go to see if it is.

Okay, that will tell us
everything we need
to know, hang on.

Oh, my God!
No, James that is...

-Oh, hang on a minute!
-Oh, it's wobbly!

I mean, look!

-It's rubbish.
-That is not...

HAMMOND: It's a footbridge.

CLARKSON: We either
admit defeat and end
the programme here.

Well, I'm for ending. Goodbye.

[CHUCKLING]
And on that bombshell...

Come on!

CLARKSON: Since James was
on point, he went first.

MAY: Here we go.

-HAMMOND:
Oh, God it's sagging!
-CLARKSON: Oh, it does wobble.

It moves! Oh! Oh!

MAY: Not looking,
not looking, not looking,
not looking.

God, that's really
disconcerting!

How am I doing?
How am I doing?

[BRIDGE CREAKING]

Right, here we go.

Speed!

Yes!

Speed has solved the problem.

What the hell?

-It's a dead end.
-I know.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

Cos I wanted to see you
come across the bridge.

-I know what you're thinking.
-[CLARKSON LAUGHS]

Shall we?
Right, come on Hammond!

My car's the heaviest.
Enough said.

[CAR SQUEAKING]

No seatbelt, don't want to be
stuck in it, if it falls off.

Oh!

Oh!

I don't like it.
I don't like it.

It feels like I'm running away
from a disaster.

[BRIDGE CREAKING]

-I did it, I did it, I did it.
-CLARKSON: Got some bad news.

-What?
-It's a dead end.

We, we tried to tell you,
but we just couldn't get
the message across.

CLARKSON: We drove back across
the knit-one-purl-one bridge

then found ourselves
in the rainy season

on what appeared to be
the set of Jurassic Park.

Petrified forests,
mysterious lakes,

this is all very odd.

If I go round the next corner
and there's a brontosaurus,

I will not be surprised.

I'm not sure this is the road
to the south.

When do we just accept
this is not working,

this is not right,
this is not the way.

Soon the track led us
into a primordial swamp.

CLARKSON:
Oh, for crying out loud!

It's a 928 Porsche,
for heaven's sake!

[ENGINE REVVING]

HAMMOND: Oh, that felt bad.

If you're Chilean,
perhaps you'd like to
write in and say,

"No, you went the wrong way."

CLARKSON: No, that's it,
I'm stuck,

and I'm going to die here,
a lonely, hideous death.

HAMMOND: Oh, no!

HAMMOND: Jeremy and I were now
completely beached.

However...

MAY: This car is incredible.

It is truly incredible.

If I showed you
a picture of this
and said,

"What's that good for?",

you'd say, "Oh, wouldn't want
to take that into the
supermarket car park,

"they've got speed humps."

Here comes Norfolk
to the rescue.

CLARKSON: Come on, Jeremy.

Yes!

Come on, Porsche.
Yes, you good, good car.

Desperate for the astonishing
Lotus not to hog
all the glory,

I decided the Porsche
would get the Mustang moving.

International Rescue is coming
to Hammond's aid.

-Right, are you ready?
-Yes, I am.

I'm going to start pushing in
three, two, one, go.

[ENGINE REVVING]

CLARKSON:
We're both stuck now.

HAMMOND: Look at it!
It's just driving around.

Having a spot of bother?

HAMMOND: Its proud
American a*s is stuck
on a rock.

-Its lardy arse.
-Yes.

It's a bit heavy for this
sort of work.

Well, you're right,
it is... Oh!

What?

MAY: What the hell is that?

CLARKSON: What is it,
a 2CV pick-up?
HAMMOND: What is it?

-MAY: Looks like half a 2VC.
-HAMMOND: It's a 2CV
at the front,

then what is it?

CLARKSON: I saw
that car in Bariloche.

HAMMOND: You can't have done.
MAY: One like it.

It can't possibly
be the same one.

Finally, Hammond and I
managed to get free.

Yes!

And then...

There it is, there's the road
to the south.

Look.

That is what we have
been looking for,

and we've found it.

There was a river
between us and it,
but there was also a bridge.

We're now just 50 metres
from the road to the south.

c*ck Nora!

What's the matter, you idiot?

It's not finished.

HAMMOND: Ah.

-Why would you
build part of a bridge?
-Why have they built...

It's... It's nine-tenths.

Look at that.

-Ready, steady, heave.
-[ALL GRUNT]

No, it's really heavy.

-Right.
-Yeah.

Why don't we just
get the film crew to help?

There's 100s of them.

Guys, can we have...

A short while later,
the three of us had
got the bridge finished.

That is a proud moment,
um, Hammond, but...

-Is it straight?
-Yes.

Yes.

Gentlemen, I'm about to
go over the edge,

is there anything you
want to say to me?

Can I have your Ferrari?

Oh, here he goes.

Come on.
[GROANS NERVOUSLY]

CLARKSON: He's done it.

He's faced the peril and won.

[HORN HONKING]

In fact, we all did.

Oh! There it is!

CLARKSON: And at last, we were
on the Road to the South.

[LAUGHING ECSTATICALLY]

[HORN PLAYS MELODY]

CLARKSON: The next morning,
we set off in good spirits,

overjoyed that the going
was smooth.

HAMMOND: Tarmac.

Oh, the relief.

CLARKSON: Sadly, though,
after just half a mile...

[CAR RATTLING]

Oh, God Almighty!

Bad news, Hammond.

-[LOUD RATTLING]
-Ow!

Ow, ow, ow! Ow!

[GRUNTS]

CLARKSON: This immediately
caused the ever-troublesome
Mustang to have a puncture.

CLARKSON: [ON RADIO]
James, do you want to
wait for him or...

Well, do you know,
under the circumstances,
I think it would be fair to...

-No, I don't.
-[LAUGHS]

MAY: See you, mate.

CLARKSON: May and I drove
on with the now familiar
Chilean weather

our constant companion.

MAY: We are
in the Manchester
of South America,

but without
the annoying accent.

CLARKSON: I'll go for a walk.
Oh, no, it's raining.

Let's go and play tennis.
Oh, it's raining.

Round of golf?
Oh, no, it's raining.

I'm going to do
some gardening.
Oh, no, it's raining.

And then in the next town,
which was on the coast,

I discovered the water doesn't
always come from the sky.

This sign here,
the tsunami hazard zone.

So they know this to be
an area susceptible to
tsunamis.

Right.

CLARKSON: Playground.

Why would you do that?

You could have put it
over that side, it's...

It's a couple of feet higher
but that makes a difference,
doesn't it?

-CLARKSON:
Isn't it extraordinary?
-MAY: It's madness.

CLARKSON:
It is madness. [LAUGHS]

Eventually our
colleague arrived.

HAMMOND:
How are you two?
Everything all right?

Yeah, we were just enjoying
the location of this school
playground on your right.

Yeah, I'm intrigued by
the fire station to our left.

That's... Imagine
being a fireman here.

Quick, get to the fire!
Oh, don't worry,
the rain's put it out.

MAY: Maybe it's
literally a fire station,

they come and start
a fire for you.

HAMMOND: [ON RADIO] Get out.

CLARKSON: The town
also had Wi-Fi,

which meant I could download
some official advice

about driving
on the local roads.

"If your vehicle has rear
wheel drive..."

Now, this is important
this applies to us, okay?

"Recover lost control
while doing speed recesses."

Oh, I have been.

"Avoid bite the shoulder,

"and if so, do not leaflet
to quickly return
to the asphalt.

[CHUCKLING]
"This manoeuvre usually
ends up in dumps."

CLARKSON: I decided to try
some of this leafleting,

and it was good fun.

Whoo-hoo!

I've got a loose
backend on my 928.

And even though it was loose,
there were no dumps.

Oh-h*-h*!

In the Mustang, however...

HAMMOND: Oh, no!

[GROANS]

CLARKSON:
The noise was so bad,

Hammond couldn't hear a word
of what we were saying
on the radio.

Hammond! You whiten your teeth
and your hair's stupid.

-[LOUD RATTLING]
-What?

Hammond,
I've heard you're hung
like a church mouse.

What?

CLARKSON: Sadly,
our amusing game was halted

when we spotted something
that wasn't funny at all.

CLARKSON:
It is that 2CV again,

following our tracks.

I couldn't do that,
could you do that?

How can they do that?
Who are those guys?

Stop doing Butch Cassidy
things, please. Not now.

-MAY: I know who it is.
-CLARKSON: Who is it?

It's the producers.

That's their idea
of a comedy backup car.

I hate the 2CV,
I absolutely loathe it.

I got a job
on original Top Gear

as a result of a screen-test
I did on the 2CV,

when all I did was
rant and rave for 20 minutes,

about how awful it was,
and I could have gone on
for a fortnight.

I don't want to get in that.

Well, it's funny
you should say that, Hammond.

Shut up.

CLARKSON: As we
headed further south,
the weather got even worse

and the road
became a nightmare.

MAY: Very sobering, that 2CV.

[SLURRING] Oh, my God.



Predictably, though, my car
was soaking up the punishment.

And amazingly,
so was HMS Norfolk.

Look at that Lotus,
it's been through a swamp,

it's been through a wood,
and it's still working.

Quite a lot of me is rooting
for that little red super car.

It's just incredible. I mean,
who knew it was the world's
best off-road car?

Who knew that it's built to a
higher standard than a Lexus?

In the Mustang, though,
it was business as usual.

HAMMOND: Now my clutch
is starting to slip.

I've lost another gear.

This is insane, it's stupid.

Jeremy,
on this route of yours,

how much further is it,
how much more of this?

Uh, stand by, caller.



One thousand one hundred?

And 70, yeah.

-[LOUD RATTLING]
-That's not possible,
for crying out loud!

[HAMMOND SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO]

-[LOUD RATTLING]
-[INAUDIBLE]

I'm not hearing a lot of what
you're saying, Hammond.

HAMMOND:
The cars absolutely
can't take the punishment.

Mine certainly can't.
Therefore...

[HAMMOND SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER CONTINUES]

CLARKSON:
Unlike Hammond,
I was loving Chile.

It had stopped
raining for a moment,

the scenery was wonderful,
and best of all...

Oh, my God! Look at
the size of that thing,
seriously, look at it.

I swear to God,
I've wanted to see a condor
since I was about three.

That is the biggest flying
bird in the world, isn't it,

I think I'm right in saying?
And there's another one.

Well, there we are,
the sun's out,

I've seen a condor,
all is well in my world.

Sadly, I had to leave
the big, beautiful bird,

because at the hotel,
Hammond was waiting
to shout at me.

-Half the interior
trim dropped off.
-Has it?

The carburettor's
all clogged up,

it doesn't fuel
properly any more.

And the fuel...
The, the gear linkage
is completely clogged up

-with bits of
gravel and stone...
-Mmm-hmm.

And mud and rain,
and you can't get
half the gears.

And the reason for
all of these things?

-Made in America in 1970?
-HAMMOND: What?

It's your route,
it's your route,

this road...
It's k*lling the car!

CLARKSON: Hammond
then broke out a map
and boldly claimed

he'd found a radical new way
of getting to our destination.

-We go back to Argentina.
-Why?

Think about it,
when we were...

We've been to Argentina,
the roads were fine.

We made good progress.

Then we can all three
get there.

Great. That's an achievement.

We've got to at least
try to do it.

In fact, no,
we've got to do that.

Back to...

Here's... I don't
do this very often,
but I'm going to take charge.

Let's go back to Argentina,
pick up the good road.

We've been to Argentina,
the roads were good.

We'll find a way
across the Andes
that we can survive,

and then we can head south,
all of us together.

We stand a chance
of arriving as a team.

Well, don't come crying to me
if it goes wrong.

CLARKSON: The next day we were
up at the crack of dawn.

And boy, was it worth it.

This is truly
special this morning.

This is one of the greatest
advantages of getting old,

you get up early,
and when you get up early,

you see the world like this.

Commander Hammond, however,
was too busy to notice

Chile's misty-eyed goodbye.

Er...

Right. That's Chile.

I decided that to get to the
better roads of Argentina

we should head back
over the Andes immediately,

which didn't go down very well
with my colleagues.

MAY: Hammond,
you utter, utter...

[GROANS]

Whoa! Christ! Hammond!
It's sheet ice here.

If you possessed
even an ounce of finesse

[ON RADIO] you wouldn't
be slithering about
like an idiot.

CLARKSON: [ON RADIO]
I might be doing
it slightly on purpose.

Business car, eh? [LAUGHS]

[IMITATING GERMAN ACCENT]
Oh, it's just a crazy car,
it goes mental.

Yeah, it's just really silly.

Sliding about on the snow.

Oh, look at me.
Full of character.

MAY: Hammond assured
us that once we were
over the mountains

and back in Argentina,
all would be well.

But he was wrong.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah, Hammond the roads
in Argentina are much better!

Bloody hell.

This, frankly,
is unacceptable.

CLARKSON: Soon it became
even less acceptable.

[ENGINE REVVING]

Hammond, I need a brief
exchange of words with you.

And there're only two of them,
only seven letters.

Three of them are "f's".

Oh, dear.

James, if you say,
"Jeremy, your car
is not boring,"

I will give you a tow.

Jeremy, your car isn't boring,
please would you give me
a tow?

CLARKSON: The noble German
helped the plucky Brit
out of the trenches.

Thank you very much,
Jeremy Clarkson

and your interesting Porsche.

And then we continued down
Hammond highway,

which was appalling.

[CAR RATTLING]

That?

That's washboard,
a whole series of ridges

very close together
and going on forever.

Oh, no! I've lost second gear.

[RATTLING]

Still, could be worse.

MAY: What's up?

Driving along, the washers
have suddenly gone on, wipers,

and the engine has stopped.
I didn't ask them to do that.

I've never, ever seen
anything like that.

-[ENGINE STARTS]
-Oh, the engine's now back.

MAY: That's really weird.

-Well, come on,
let's just keep going.
-Well, just...

-It'll run out
of fluid eventually.
-All right.

This is what happens
when Hammond puts
himself in charge.

That was amazing, it was like
it was possessed.

Jeremy Clarkson
and his haunted Porsche.

No, the dashboard
is a Christmas tree
and the car has stopped.

Power steer...
Yeah, it's dead.
Porsche's dead.

-[BLEEP]
-[ENGINE STOPS]

Hammond!

This road you chose
has k*lled my Porsche.

I'm going to beat
you to death with a bat.

-Why? What?
-If we'd have
stayed in Chile...

Stop questioning
my leadership.

-That is not what is required
in an emergency situation.
-I'm driving along...

HAMMOND: I will deal
with the responsibility.

And I dealt with it
straight away.

Uh...

By leaving.

Right, then. Follow me.

As leader, I had no choice,

and believe me,
it's a responsibility that...

It unsettles me
but I've got to leave
a man in the field.

Now, that is a bit of a worry,
to be honest,

because the Porsche 928
was notorious

for having very
complicated electrics,

and for having a lot
of electrical gremlins

once it got
beyond a certain age.

Yeah, Jeremy's chances of
fixing that car? Um...

He did once wire
his own speakers,

in the sense that
he plugged them in
at the back of stereo,

at home, you know,
when you get the
little plugs, left and right.

CLARKSON:
Mysteriously, without me
doing anything at all

the Porsche had
come back to life,

sort of.

Okay, the wipers
won't turn off,

the dials aren't working,
the heater isn't working,

the lights aren't working,
but the mighty V8 is back
in business!

However, a mile later...

[CRUNCHING]

[RUMBLING]

Now the engine's...
Oh, Christ. What's happened?

[ENGINE WHINES]

What is that?

I have the key! It's off!

The engine and
the starter motor
were both jammed on,

and they could
only be shut down by
disconnecting the battery.

The situation is a lot worse
than I thought.

Um, this is what the top
of the shock absorber
should look like.

If you look on this side
you can see it's been punched
out of its mountings

and has hit the wiring loom,

which is what has made
the entire electrical system
go haywire.

Now, I can fix
the wiring loom,

probably fix
the shock absorber,

but what damage

has been caused to
all the electrical components?

I mean, do the lights work?

[SIGHS]

It's half past 2:00 now.
Five hours of daylight.

HAMMOND: Meanwhile,
further up the road,

May was getting some
bad news about that night's
accommodation.

Hang on, you're not saying
it's a bloody campsite!

You've brought
me on a crap road,
worse than the one we were on.

We've got a car down,
you've ruined the Lotus

and at the end of this
you want me to stay
in a tent!

You might find one of your
tent poles is missing,

but don't worry,
I know where it is.

I'll have shoved
it up your a...

Signal's a bit dodgy this end
at the moment, James,

but I guess you got
the message back there.

This is what
Hammond's road has done

to the inside of
my wiring loom.

Look at this.

It just looks
like the inside of
Steve Austin's arm.

And they call me
an orang-utan,

they simply don't know
what they're talking about.

MAY: At the end
of a miserable drive

I was now faced with
an evening's tenting.

A whole day driving
on a terrible road,

wrecking my car,

possibly losing the Porsche,
breaking my spine,

then Hammond says I have to
put the tent up while he
goes off to get the food.

And I don't know how his tent
goes together, and he knows

absolutely the square root
of jack [BLEEP] about
food and cooking.

I wonder if anybody else...
I wonder if the viewers find

Hammond's chirpy, upbeat,
Ross-on-Wye mannerisms
as aggravating as I do?

Right, everything
is now taped up,
so let's see if it starts.

[ENGINE RATTLING]

[SIGHS]

There you go.

HAMMOND: At the campsite,
I was returning with our
evening meal.

I hope he's hungry.

Hello! Hello!

Dinner is here.

Yeah!

-[CLEARS THROAT] Meat.
-MAY: Yeah, very funny.

-A lot of it.
-Yeah, but we've
done that joke,

cos Jeremy did it
in the top part of America.

-Yeah.
-About seven or
eight years ago.

-You've probably forgotten.
-This time it's different,
this time it's better.

What you're going to have...

No, listen.

Is a traditional, authentic
Gaucho barbeque.

That's a whole cow.

Hey, they eat a lot
of meat round here.

Finish the tent.
I'll have it on in a moment.

Seriously. Crack on.

Right.

It's a problem, essentially,
of getting the wrapper off.

MAY: Several hours
of peeling later,

Hammond's dinner was underway.

And while we ate, we discussed
the fate of our colleague.

If we hear the sound of two...

Well, or one cylinder,

-it's probably the 2CV.
-Yeah.

But any more than two,
it must be the Porsche.

What if he couldn't fix it
because he's stupid
and ended up...

-[CAR APPROACHING]
-No, but he's
an expert on electrics.

Hang on, that's an engine.

MAY: What is it?

HAMMOND:
It's the unhappiest man
in the world, is what it is.

-MAY: Oh, no!
-[HAMMOND LAUGHS]

Oh, no! I really...
I honestly thought
that would be...

[HORN HONKING]

HAMMOND: Oh, hang on.

-That's it, stalking us.
-There it is!

[HAMMOND APPLAUDING]

He's going to be
so pleased with himself.

I have been
doing manual labour.

Good God. Really?

I hardly like to admit it,

but I was praying
that the Porsche
would turn up.

I didn't want to see it die.
That is absolutely fabulous.

-I've actually got
dirty hands from actual work.
-HAMMOND: Dirty hands?

-What was it?
-I had to fix the loom,
fix the ECU,

and then find some metal,
bolt that to the inner wing

and reattach the top
of the shock absorber to that.

-HAMMOND: Oh, well done.
-Have you got any food for me?

MAY: Oh, has he?
CLARKSON: Ah!

HAMMOND: I'm not entire...
I can't remember where it
came from,

I sort of lost track.
There's a lot in a cow.

Well, that's...
Um, that's a piece of it.

Have we got any vegetables?

Is that a vegetable
over here?

HAMMOND: Yeah.
Yeah, sausages.

Welcome to our little camp,
that's the main thing.

Right, where is the hotel
where we're staying?

Well, I just said,
welcome to our little camp.

What?

HAMMOND: Jeremy
went to sleep that night
quite cross.

So, to cheer him up,
May and I came up
with a plan.

[SOFTLY] That one.
Right, I'll do these bits.

The thing is, it's not making
any difference to him,
ultimately.

It's making a difference
to our lives.

-Oh!
-That's quite good.

HAMMOND: "Quite good"?

I'm turning that off.
Right, what else have we got?

HAMMOND:
Another one of those
on the other side.

Every bone in their crotches.

That's what
I'm going to break.

Why have you done this?

MAY: It's all right,
you have to...

You know, you get to look at
an Esprit and a Mustang,

we have to look
at this all day,
and it's dull.

HAMMOND:
We've brightened it up.

-Have you got a suit?
-Yes, I have.

Did you have it made,
did you buy it? Did you say,

"Could you put some
gold epaulettes on it,

"and a Happy Mondays badge?

"Can I have
a g*y Pride lining?"
Did you say that? No.

Yeah, but I wouldn't make
you look at me

in my boring
suit day after day.

We're obliged to look at you
in your boring car.

Now we look at something
with some interesting
styling cues dashed about.

CLARKSON: No, it looks like
a five-year-old wearing
its mother's shoes.

HAMMOND:
Well, that's more interesting
than it was. It's better.

Why don't you put
the campfire out,
and use your face.

And there's one
more thing, as well.

HAMMOND: That's my map.

-You're relieved of command.
-MAY: I'm with that.

CLARKSON: As we set off,
the weather closed in.

MAY: I don't like this.

CLARKSON: And in the blizzard,
I discovered another comedy
jape from my colleagues.

What in God's name...

Why have you
fitted my car with

a brake light
on the dash board.

HAMMOND: Well, it will
be interesting to monitor
your own braking.

Is it? Is it?

James and Richard are the sort
of people that would put

a tortoise on its back,
for fun.

In truth, though,
I did have some
genuine problems.

My speedo, my rev counter,
oil pressure gauge,
fuel gauge,

temperature gauge,
my trip computer, all dead.

Hammond's car
wasn't much better.

Um, can anyone else
smell burning?

CLARKSON: And we still
had 900 miles to go.

CLARKSON:
It was a dried up lake bed.

I see it now as a racetrack.

-Oh, that was... [SCREAMS]
-[GLASS SHATTERS]

Can you remember
where the road was?

This was a mistake.

Just get on.

It's bloody dangerous, this.

Bloody dangerous.

I claim this land for Norfolk
and name it Lotus Beach.

[ENGINE REVVING]

Please move,
Porsche, please move.

[CHUCKLES]
There you go! Rally stage.

I didn't tell him
I had a bad back.
[GRUNTS]

Arrive Ushuaia, build stadium,
play football, do diplomacy.

What can possibly go
wrong with that?

MAN: Bikes behind
the star cars,

bikes behind the star cars.

HAMMOND:
They're looking
for the Porsche.