01x01 - Duncan Bannatyne, Frankie Boyle, Natalie Cassidy, Dom Joly

[bunniefuu]

Tonight on Would I lie to you...

Use your mince pies
and see if she lies, it's Natalie Cassidy.

He's mischievous
but can he be devious, it's Dom Joly.

And their team captain.
It's Lee Mack.

And facing them tonight.
Look out, it's the sharply guesting Frankie Boyle.

The shrewdly investing Duncan Bannatyne.

And their team captain David Mitchell.

But first, please [something] for your host, Angus Deayton.

Thank you, good evening and
welcome to Would I lie to you.

Over the next half
hour you will be hearing

more lies than an estate agent
working on commision only.

One useful tip
when spotting a liar

is that they often give themselves
away by a variety of facial movements.

Unless, of course, the question is "have you had botox".

So we begin perversely with round one,
which is called Home truths.

Our panelists read out a statement
about themselves

and their opponents use a combination of pot luck

and guesswork thinly
disguised as intelligence

to decide if it's true or not.

Guess right, you get the point.
Guess wrong, the others get the point.

What could be easier?
Exactly, almost anything.

Dom is it, who kicks us off
with his first home truth.

I was at school
with Osama bin Laden.

How old is Osama bin Laden?

- I'm sure he's near my age.
- How old did he seem at school?

- We were at the other end of school.
- Don't say extremes.

It was from 4-18 so it
could span long years.

- What 4-18 school is this?
- It was a Christian Quaker school.

- Is he still a Quaker?
- I don't think it sat with him very well.

I'm not aware of his religion.
He doesn't present that.

Did you chat much?

I'd pass him in the playground.
He was quite an intimidating figure.

He was slightly intense.
He was into Dungeons and dragons.

I didn't really know him
but I was in the same school.

- Where was this in London?
- It was in Lebanon.

That would possibly explain it.
How was it at school in Lebanon?

It was okay,
it was only when I got older I realised

it was some sort of
finishing school for jihadis.

There'd occasionally be an Israeli jet
over Beirut and

the entire playground
would start firing in the air.

When I came to school here
I realised it that wasn't normal.

Did bin Laden win when you'd
play hide n seek?

I never found him.

So David, I'm gonna push you
for a decision.

So it's a 4-18 year old Lebanese
Quaker school?

Lot of anti-Israeli feeling
as you'd expect from Quakers.

- I think it's a lie.
- I think it's true.

I think it could be true.

I'm gonna overrule
my team and say lie.

They're saying
it's a lie. Dom?

It is actually...

True.

Yes, it's the truth. Dom was at
school with Osama bin Laden

and still remembers those
happy playground games...

like tag, stuck in the mud
and die infidel die.

They grew up to
have a lot in common...

although Dom was better at knowing
where to draw the line with his pranks.

It's all eyes on Duncan.

When I ran my
last public company

I banned all my staff
from buying paperclips.

Why?

Letters came in the post.
I'd be sitting at my desk.

Letters came with paperclips on
them. So I took the paperclips off.

And I realised my
pile was getting bigger.

So why buy paperclips
when you get more in post than you're sending out?

Nobody should ever buy a paperclip again
in the whole world ever.

Polite people send the paperclips back
to the person that sent them the letter.

- Exactly, so why do you need any more?
- How much money do you think you saved?

I saved about 5 000 pounds.

Are you trying to convince me that
one of the top businessmen in the country

at one point sat down with his staff, said
"We've got this important letter to send"...

Could be a big contract,
could be worth a fortune

let's get it in the post. And someone
said "We need a paperclip", and you went...

"Let's just wait".

Do you reckon there was a
moment after you started in the job

when everyone went "I wonder
what the new boss will be like"?

"I wonder what the Christmas party will be like this year.
Oh, here's a memo."

"Reuse paperclips".
He's a miserable b*stard.

It seems mister Bannatyne's
had the water cooler taken away.

We'll have to go
outside to the rainbarrel.

Have you changed teams?

Was that the only one
of these

money-saving devices you came
up with or did you have many?

There was a lot of other
money-saving devices

but they are in my biography.

Can I be honest,
I'm getting every other word.

You can try a hearing aid.

I like that,
a bit more diction.

- Lee, what are you thinking about this?
- I have to say...

That the idea of saving money
on paperclips is ridiculous

but the accent is
swinging it a little bit.

A little bit more possible.

- Lee, I'm gonna go with you.
- Me too, I'm gonna go for true.

We're gonna go for true.

I must have
read my autobiography.

It's true.

It is true that Duncan banned
his staff from ordering paperclips

which appears in the autobiography,
I don't know if you've mentioned that.

Natalie's fascinating fact is next.

I have passed a toilet roll

under the cubicle
wall to Madonna.

- A sheet or a whole roll?
- About five sheets.

Did she specify the number
of sheets she wanted?

No,
I was so star struck I just went like that.

- So you recognised her by her voice?
- I knew she was in the cubicle next to me.

I was in a club on a Wednesday night,
it was called China White.

- It's a club where a lot of people go...
- China White ran out of toilet paper in the ladies?

Somebody stole it, they needed it for their office.
They weren't willing to buy their own.

Wednesday's a big night in China White
and Madonna was in there this night.

I didn't know but went into the loo and
everyone's "oh Madonna's there".

And then some lady said to me,
which I recognised as American...

"Excuse me,
you got any loo roll there?"

I said no problem, did that.
Went out, washed my hands.

And Madonna walks out.

I like that during that during that story,
you've been on Eastenders far too long, she went

"everyone was going Madonna's in there,
Madonna's in there".

It was Eastenders she was in,
not Oliver!.

Madonna's been around the block,

you'd check if there's enough loo
roll before you sit down, don't you?

- I think it's a lie, what do you think?
- Yeah, lie.

It's a lie.

Madonna never runs out of toilet paper.

She always carries one of
her husband's movie scripts in case of emergency.

All of which brings us to the end of this
opening round where the stark truth is

that Lee's team are already blazing a trail,
leading as they do three-one.

Next round has the ring of truth about it,
chiefly because that's its name.

Momentarily, if I can use that word incorrectly,
I shall read out a fascinating celebrity fact.

Whereupon the panelists have
to second-guess its veracity.

And also say
whether it's true or not.

Lee's team start first.
Analyse this.

Jeffrey Archer writes all his stories
with a felt-tip pen.

Is this the truth
or the opposite?

Hang on, he wrote a book
when he was in prison.

All we need to know is
can you get felt-tip pens in prison.

Frankie, you'll know this. What can you get in prison?

It depends just how much loving
you're prepared to give.

- Duncan, you've been in prison.
- Have you?

Very short period of
time. I agree with Frankie.

Never mind
agreeing with Frankie.

Forget the game, Duncan.
Tell us about the m*rder.

You can get anything in jail.

What were you in prison for?

Well, you know.

- I think it was drunk and disorderly.
- Think? How drunk were you?

Look at that, suddenly the dragon tamed.

- It's in the biography.
- What's it called?

"Anyone can do it".

You say anyone, apart from
the eighty percent you tell to sod off.

Anyone can make a hundred million,
it's in the book.

If everyone makes a hundred million,
won't that be terrible inflation?

If everyone except you makes a hundred million
you're gonna be pretty small.

Maybe this is something that happened in Italy
in the Lire days.

Someone like you published a book,
then suddenly

everyone has a hundred million
and they can't buy a coffee.

Lee, I'm gonna push you for
some kind of answer.

Get Jeffrey Archer on this show.
Jeffrey Archer...

on a show about lying
would punch a hole through time.

We wouldn't have Jeffrey Archer, he's been in prison.
Oh, you have.

- How did you know he was in prison?
- I read his autobiography.

It was spectacularly poor.

Just out of interest, when you're finished having sex.
Do you say "I'm out"?

Foreplay is "I'm in for forty percent".

Anyway Jeffrey, I think he does.

I think he does as well.

- You're on a lucky streak.
- Let's go for it.

You're saying he
does and the fact is...

He does.
It's completely true.

This is in fact true.

Jeffrey Archer does write all
of his stories with a felt-tip pen.

His first job was incidentally working for Oxfam
and he still has

a unique connection as
they are now the main stockists of his books.

David's team, your quote comes from the great


SAS and raconteur Jodie Marsh.

"Everyone thinks I'm thick,
but what they don't know

"is that I won nearly six pounds
on a Weakest Link quiz machine."

If I was gonna make up a lie like that
I'd reach for the stars and say a tenner.

One thing about that which is really sad is
that "I won nearly six pounds".

What's nearly six pounds?

Why not say five pounds forty?

But those machines don't give change,
they give quids.

So the nearest to six pounds she's got is five.

You can't say...
You know...

As a businessman, where are your accounts
when you start calling five pounds "nearly six"?

Suddenly five billion is nearly six.

That's a billion pound shortfall.

This was a 27th birthday party of
one of her friends when she got very drunk.

If you had to get someone
to answer a question

on a quiz machine
to save your life, right.

Would you get Jodie Marsh?

I would rather
she fell drunkenly

on the quiz machine
with her face...

And choose the answer that way rather than using...

Her body of knowledge.

I'm gonna press you for an answer.

- You think it's true.
- True.

You don't care you just
wanna m*rder her.

I think it's false.

I don't know
but that's the game.

I think it's false.

They're saying false.
It is...

Indeed a lie.

Absolutely correct.
Well deduced.

Jodie Marsh did not
win six pounds on a Weakest Link quiz machine.

Jodie left school with eleven GCSEs and
three A levels.

I don't know whose they were
but she left school with them.

Despite allegations of being thick,
Jodie is a very successful glamour model.


No one's exactly sure what her IQ is.

At the end of that round
it is Lee's team looking quitely smug

ahead as they are 5-3.

Our next round goes by the
somewhat truncated title of This is my.

Each of Lee's team will claim to
have a genuine connection with

tonight's guest
who we are about to introduce you to.

It's up to David's team to weed out
the bonafide from the bogus.

So welcome this week's guest, Ina.

Now Lee, perhaps you'd like
to start off by telling us how you know Ina.

I know Ina because
she's my local newsagent.

And she sold me a scratch card
which I won two thousand pounds on.

Natalie, what's Ina to you?

Ina's worked on Eastenders
for 21 years as an extra.

She used to run the lampshade store.

And lastly, Dom, what is Ina to you?

Ina's actually my aunt,
who is Greek.

And she is a voice artist in Greece.

And she has been the voice of
Helen Mirren in the last four of her films

that have been translated into Greek.

It's as simple as that.
A winning newsagent according to Lee...

A veteran Eastenders extra
according to Natalie.

Or Helen Mirren's voice dub
if you believe Dom.

When did you have this windfall, Lee?

It was about seven years ago.

So you bought the scratch card, scratch...

Well done, you know
how the poor people live.

This is like Columbo.

There's just one thing that's confusing me.

Now I can't say
anything remotely investigative.

You've essentially created
a universal template of mockery.

- You arseholes.
- That's not helping.

You bought the scratch card,
you scratch the thing off...

- "I've won two thousand pounds".
- That's exactly what happened.

I've never bought one of these things,
it's a tax on hope.

You hand it over.
Does she then give you the two grand out of the till?

That's a robbery, isn't it?

But why have you kept in touch?

She wasn't giving you the money.

It comes from
Camelot or something.

I go to my newsagent still
and I give her a friendly wink of

"Pretty good, eh?"
And she goes "lucky lucky".

- It's the little things she does.
- She's living through you now, isn't she?

What's she gonna do if
you get diagnosed with a terminal illness?

"Lucky lucky", and you say

"I wish you hadn't said that."

I'm more interested in
the story with Natalie.

She is an extra
in Eastenders.

And she plays the lady who runs the lamp store.

Does she ever give scripts
to the producers

which are centred around
a lighting crisis?

No, not that I know of.
Who knows?

You haven't investigated
the most likely scenario.

Which is her being Helen Mirren's
Greek voice over artist.

Do you speak Greek, Dom?

I can say efharisto [thank you]
and giasou [hello] but only from visiting her.

She's married to my uncle.

- It's very plausible that, though.
- Is it?

It seems incredibly unlikely.

You know, she does have
this slight sort of...

Lack of hope of someone in Eastenders.

I think there's a
plausibility to that.

David, I need to press you for an answer.

Is this
Lee's lucky newsagent?

Natalie's lampshade seller
from Albert Square?

Or Dom's Greek thespian aunt?

- We both think Natalie's extra?
- I think the...

I think the savage, browbeaten

air of an Eastenders
extra hangs among us.

Have you ever heard of
a concept called mercy?

Well I haven't got a clue
so I'm gonna go with the team.

I'm gonna say it's
Natalie's collegue.

Ina, perhaps you'd like
to tell us who you really are?

Natalie's my friend...

and I've been an extra
for 21 years on Eastenders.


on Eastenders, well done.

A lampshade store might be
an odd thing to find in a market

but it's essential to Albert Square.

Since lamps can be
used to electrocute people,

smash them over the head
or strangle them with the flex.

Sometimes all in
the same episode.

Telly tales is the brilliantly alliterative
title of our next round.

David's team will follow up a clip
from a classic TV series

with an additional fantastic fact.

Lee's team then declare
whether the fact is either the truth

Or complete Piers Morgan.

Tonight we bring you the
delights of vintage Doctor Who

a show with the same budget
as a school nativity play

but with slightly lower
production values.

Here's a quick reminder of
some of the doctor's multiple incarnations.

We have to point out no Daleks
were harmed in the making of that clip.

Although the actor inside
has never walked again.

But what is Frankie's extra
piece of information?

It's a little know fact but,
to avoid confusion

on the set of Doctor Who
when they're filming it

the medical doctor on set
is called

The magician.

If you think about it
there could be confusion

because obviously the doctor
is Tom Baker or whoever.

Obviously it's a much bigger
problem on Casualty.

I don't understand
the confusion.

Someone, an extra, say Ina

who's working on Doctor Who
has a heart attack.

And someone shouts
"is there a doctor here".

And Doctor Who, confused...

Says yes and does surgery

until someone says "no no no".

I know TV people are dim, but...

If you're the person
that's ill

it's gonna be quite a
depressing thing to hear someone shout.

They see what's
happened to you and say

"Fetch the magician.

"Because that's what we're gonna need."

Fetch the magician
or the priest.

I think it's
a superstition.

Like whistling is supposed
to be bad luck. Break a leg...

It's like the Macbeth thing
or Hamlet or whatever you're not supposed to say.

- It's exactly that.
- You're trying to convince us now...

that someone would
walk in and say

Is that the resident doctor?

And someone pops out
of a Dalek and goes...

"You have been told
about the rules and superstition.

"You bloody idiot.

"We're not joking."

- Lee, can we have your answer?
- Natalie, what do you think?

I'm gonna say false.
I think it's false.

I think it's true now.

It doesn't make sense,
but it's telly so it doesn't have to.

I have to overrule you there, Dom

and go for Natalie's decision and say

- That it is not... true.
- That is leadership.

It's...

Lie.

Yes, Frankie was
in fact lying.

The medical doctor on Doctor Who
is not called a magician.

There are many traditions
kept up by actors

"break a leg" means good luck.

The Scottish play
means Macbeth.

And "integral to the plot" means
getting your t*ts out to sell more tickets.

At the end of that round it's

extraordinarily neighter team
has the gumption to take the lead

together as they are on seven.

And so to our final
quick fire round

featuring more home truths
but this time against the clock.

A random flashing light
will select one of our panelists

who must then read out
a statement about themselves.

As ever, the opposing team
must then discern whether it be truth or tripe.

Starting now.

I have been on a camping holiday with Derren Brown.

Are you sure he didn't just tell you that?

- Where were you going?
- We went to the Cotswolds.

Because we used to
be family friends.

What age were you?

I was 22.

Were other members
of your family there?

In total there was four of my family
and three or four of his.

- Did you put your own tent up?
- No.

Funny enought he just did that and I
woke up and it was done.

I was dressed as Elvis while
eating an onion, I was livid.

How did you feel about going on a weird

dual family camping trip
at the age of 22?

Shouldn't you have been clubbing in Ibiza?

During the trip, did any
of the families say to you

"You boys thought of getting girlfriends?"

David, is Lee to
be believed or is he not?

I think it's the sort of
weird thing that would happen.

- No, he's lying.
- That makes it my call. I hate that.

- It's all down to you.
- I don't think it's true.

Is it true or a lie, Lee?

It's a lie.

Age five, I wrote
to Play School to suggest

how the BBC should
resolve their union conflict.

Can I just say,
this needs no discussion.

- True.
- True.

What was the
union conflict?

Remember the clock
in Play School?

And it would have things
underneath it that would revolve.

And at some point

the things underneath stop revolving.

Apparently this was a result,

my parents told me,

of some sort of union dispute.

Did you sign off "David, age 5"?

I don't really remember.

I probably put my surname.

I was a formal little thing.

- What are your thoughts?
- If anyone here...

Wrote a letter at five

to the BBC about unions.

My money'd be on him.

I would say... true?

We're saying true.

They're saying true.
Is it the truth or a lie, David?

It is...

- True.
- Of course.

Yes, it's actually true.

David did write to Play School
when he was five

to suggest how the BBC
should resolve their union conflict.

He was the first five year old to
use the word scab when not referring to his knees.

For six months I worked as
Trevor McDonald's driver.

How did you
get into that?

I was trying to get
into the world of news.

- That was a way in.
- How did that go?

Good, I was a producer at ITN for three years.

Till I changed my tack
and started dressing as a squirrel.

Being his driver was
a stepping stone to being a producer?

No, it was a stepping stone
to getting into...

a corporation like ITN,
which I did.

I can't see them going
"We need a new producer"

"We need a new angle
on the whole..."

"Serbian conflict"

"Well, I've got a driver..!"

I didn't go straight
from driver to producer.

There was a more
formal ladder

once I got in.

David, what is your final thought?

- What do you think?
- Seems to he's probably telling the truth.

It's probably the sort of
creepy arse-licking way

you can get a job
in showbusiness.

Absolute lie.

Here we are again.
I think it's a lie.

- You're saying lie. Dom?
- It is...

A lie.

It's a lie, Dom
was never Trevor McDonald's driver.

Trevor McDonald became
Britain's first black newsreader in 1973.

In the same way as
Natasha Kaplinsky became

Britain's first orange
newsreader in 1998.

I am allergic to coins.

What happens?
Why are you allergic?

They got copper in them.

Old British coins are
made of copper and nickel.

I'm allergic to copper.

You must occasionally deal in money

so do you have special gloves?

I just take them and
it makes my hands a bit sore.

What about silver,
are 50 pence pieces copper?

What about gold [something]?

I'd be alright with that,
so often that I shop in the 14th century.

Lee, what are you veering towards?

There's a possibility that
this is true, actually.

I'm veering towards
that as well.

You go false,
you go true.

I'm gonna go for... false.

You say lie.

It's true.

Frankie was telling the truth,
he is allergic to coins.

So he's gonna be doubly disappointed
when he recieves his payment for this show.

I fainted in the cinama
during k*ll Bill.

What stage of the film
did you faint at?

It was odd.
It was the bit where...

You know she's
sort of... paralysed.

It was when she was
trying to drag herself out of

this place but it was a whole...
I'm quite squeamish.

And the whole desperately,
being paralysed trying to drag yourself

out of a hospital where
people are trying to k*ll you.

That really got to me
and I started

- Things started to...
- David has never

He hasn't seen k*ll Bill.

He hasn't gone to the cinema and gone
"I'm gonna watch k*ll Bill".

I can't imagine any
moment in his life

where it would
make him see k*ll Bill.

- It's a lie.
- It is...

A lie.

I have actually seen k*ll Bill.

And it's interesting that
I'm seen as some sort of

fusty antiquarian.
"He wouldn't go to the cinema.

"He'll only see silent films."

I have seen k*ll Bill,
I just managed to remain consious throughout.

The fainting you
could believe?

Just going to see k*ll Bill.
I wouldn't know how to buy a ticket.

I don't know where
we got that idea.

He'd probably try and
get a banker's draft.

Which irritating noise means
at the end of our final round

we have no victors whatsever

because both teams are
neck and neck on eleven.

Join us next week for
more truth and lies, and

remember, according to sociologists

lying is the number one reason
relationships fail.

Lying on top of
someone else being number two.