Tonight on Would I Lie to You,
Please do not swear, it's Davina McCall.
He wouldn't dare, it's Jason Manford.
And their team captain, Lee Mack.
And facing them tonight,
he's a fragrant antique, it's Michael Aspel.
He mocks the week, it's Dara Ó Briain.
And their team captain, David Mitchell.
But first, please ignore
all the noise pollution
in appreciation of your
host, Angus Deayton.
Good evening and welcome
to Would I Lie to You,
the show about liar and lying.
One clue as to whether
someone is lying to you
is if they're unable to
make full eye contact,
which is why you should only
trust pirates 50% of the time.
Camouflage can be seen
as one form of lying,
except, of course, it can't.
And euphemisms are a form of lying,
when you use a more polite
term to describe something.
Like when you give a refined lady
directions to the powder room
when she needs to fire out a dump.
Which brings us to round one, Home Truths.
In which we plumb the frightening
depths of our panelists' lies
as they take it in turns to read out
the statement from the
card in front of them.
which may contain a true
fact about themselves or
a downright lie they are
seeing for the first time.
A scenario demanding instant
creativity from the panelists,
instant cunning from
their interrogators.
and endless patience from
everyone watching.
Michael is first to go over the
top, so Michael, if you would.
Before any TV appearance, I
shadow box in my dressing room.
What do you wear?
As you're shadow...Is it
fully-clothed or in your pants or...?
Well, I'm fully-dressed, about
a burst on the seat.
And do you take boxing gloves with you
or is it just literally
with just your hands?
I don't take any equipment for this thing,
so it's just a little thing
between me and the mirror.
Have you ever got beat?
Do you do it to keep fit or is it
a kind of whoosh yourself up
before the show, like Rockyman,
"Come on, I'm Michael Aspel."
It's really to get the blood
flowing towards the brain.
How fired-up do you have to
be for the Antiques Roadshow?
"Come on! It's worth 10 grand!"
How long do you shadow box for?
- Probably for 20 seconds or... - So not long.
- It's just a quick, like... - The old
one-two and few uppercuts.
Would you mind give us
a quick demonstration?
- Standing or can I do... - Standing.
However you do it in the
mirror for 20 seconds.
I suppose just a bit of...
Quite a lot of...sort of...
That sort of boxing, wasn't it?
The sort of boxing you
see in the 17th century.
That sort of...
So, Lee, what are you thinking?
Davina: What do you think?
Angus: And team? Lee: Well...
You're a very calm, cool calculated per...
I think you're very suave and
I can't imagine you going...
"Get out there and k*ll them, Michael."
I see you more as a...
"We're on in five. It's busy.
I'm playing Beckham."
- You are trying to... - I thought, yes, I can
imagine. Because he's so cool and calm...
that he might need to rrr himself up.
But I think it's a lie.
- OK. - I'd say, liar.
- I'm saying that is...a lie. - OK,
Michael, truth or un-truth?
It is...
- True. - It's godsend true.
Yep, it is true.
- Michael does shadow box - I don't believe it.
- before every TV appearance,
like that. - Like that?!
While he boxes, a ghetto
bluster his feet, Blair's out,
the same heart-pumping
track over and over again.
Schubert String quartet No.15 in G...
Of course, in a dressing
room, it's shadow boxing.
In the street, it's mental illness.
Davina, your home truth, if you would, please.
At my wedding, I walked down the aisle
to the Big Brother theme tune.
Oh really, we've gotta hope
that this is a lie, 'cause
that would be...
Possibly, I've seen some
un-classy weddings in my time.
- People riding in pink carriages with horses
and joy... - What's un-classy about that?
First, it's quite quick the Big Brother tune.
You'd be...It's quick walk
off the aisle, isn't it? Like...
Yeah, the thing is...I like a bit of
humor and a bit of comedy.
And that's what I was going for.
It made everybody in the church...
We all had a bit of a giggle.
and then we started the
serious music after that.
Who chose this music, you or your spouse?
Well, me. I had to talk my husband round.
- Into getting married? - It wouldn't be...
There was a little bit of
that, a little bit of cajoling.
Marriages are always a kind
of give-and-take situation.
So you had the Big Brother theme,
surely then, there was a trade-off where
as you turned round and walked out,
was it to Shaggy Boombastic? What did he....
What did he get to pick as
the music as you left the...
Actually, I have to say,
he didn't get to pick anything.
It's just...me.
But you know, he got what he
wanted on the wedding night.
A night out with mates.
Did you have Marcus Bentley in the
Geordie voice of the man doing
the actual reading, "Do you, Davina,
take this man to be your
lawful wedding husband?"
You know, if we got remarried, I'd do that.
Definitely, second time.
Surely though, you needed the morning after
and you're waking up and turning to your partner,
and he just leans over with "Day 2...."
David, are you taken in by any of this?
It's possible, I can see it would be a joke-y...
If you wanted to have a light-hearted
beginning to the whole thing.
I can...I think it's possible.
What's your instinct?
- Michael. - My instinct, as a bit of
recoiling, says this is probably true.
- Dara? - No, my instinct is that you
went for pure princess wedding.
And that it was String Quartet
playing. - So it's a hung jury here.
- Yes. - I've changed my
mind. I don't think she did.
Alright, it's not a hung jury here.
I don't...I think it's a lie. We're gonna say lie.
They're saying it's a lie. Davina?
It is...
- A lie. - It is a lie.
Well done.
Yes, it's a lie.
Davina did not have the Big Brother theme
tune playing at her wedding ceremony.
After the wedding, in a small
function room next door,
Dermot O'Leary hosted a
low-budget follow-up
called Davina's wedding 'little wedding'.
Dara's turn to amaze us.
I co-own a racehorse
with Sir Alex Ferguson.
What's the racehorse called?
The racehorse's called 'Dangerhere'.
One word, put together.
- Who owns this? - Dangerhere.
There's a syndicate. There
a load of us in the syndicate.
And who's training it?
Oh, God, I've no idea.
- You don't know who trains it?
- I don't know who trains it...
- You know what color it is? - Yes, it's brindle.
- It's what? - Brindle.
- Brindle?! That's not a color. - You
don't get brindle horses. That's ...
- dog. - That's a character in Lord of the Rings.
- You get brindle dogs, but
not horses. - Do you?
So, what races have you seen it race in?
I saw it in Cheltenham.
What did it race at
Cheltenham? What was the race?
Oh, God, it was some sponsors'
thing. It was like a [something] thing.
How long ago was that?
It was last March.
Was it the Cheltenham Gold Cup Meeting?
No, it's before that. That's slightly later.
What date? What part of March is it?
I'm just saying it wasn't
the Cheltenham Festival.
That's when the Cheltenham festival was on.
- In March. - But, yeah, it's just
a week before Paddy's Day.
- In March. - Forget the Paddy's Day,
this got nothing to do with it.
- You asked when is the date! - What is
the date of the meeting you went to?
It was the 24th of March.
Right, OK.
So you need to know the date, in case
it was what, a horse Bank holiday?
You've asked what...
No, horses won't work that day.
It's part of their culture.
They're all worshiping their horse god
and eating special hay cakes.
You've got a horse.
- I've got no horse, no, but I've
got... - Would you like a horse?
Is that what this is about?
It's not about the fact that I want a horse.
- It's just about the fact that... - You want a hor...
You're quite a horse guy.
And you want a horse, and
you're ashamed to say it,
'cause it makes you sound
like a 12-year-old girl.
Have you got interest in horse
race and the bet, obviously?
Sort of an interest...Originally it was
part of the Greyhound Syndicate
- which is... - I'll spit with it, but it was
too big to race with the greyhounds.
Yeah, and...
Seems reasonable.
I've got a donkey.
In a sanctuary.
So does it work like that? Will they
send you little pictures at Christmas?
You're doing good,
whereas Dara has an enslaved creature.
The horse doesn't send me
a letter every Christmas and go,
"Thank you very much for the sugar cubes."
"P.S. Please, could I run less?"
"My feet hurt the whole time."
"A cruel dwarf hits me."
OK, Lee, you're gonna have
to come to a conclusion.
What do you think?
I think he might be telling the truth.
I think he's telling the truth.
OK, I think they're both wrong, you're lying.
I'm going against my team
and saying that you're lying.
- Really? It just makes a mockery of the
whole team thing, doesn't it? - If I'm wrong, I'll...
See? He's lying, he's trying to get
you to change your mind. Perfect.
He's lying, definitely. He's lying!
If he were telling the truth, he wouldn't
go "Have another go at me", would he?
"Think again, Lee. Have another go!"
- He's saying it's a lie. - It's
a black and white lie.
It's a brindle lie.
- Lie. - Dara, the truth on that matter, please.
You're lying.
- It is...a lie. - It is a lie.
It's a lie.
Dara does not own or co-own
a racehorse with anyone.
In fact, Dara has far better ways of
avoiding tax and laundering his money.
Despite having nothing to do
with any of Sir Alex's horses,
Dara does pay towards the upkeeping
stable cost of Wayne Rooney,
and owns [something].
So, at the end of that round, it's Lee's team who
are looking decidedly
out of their depths,
trailing as they are, 3-1.
Our next round is called Ring of Truth.
Simple title, simple idea,
but still a massive
obstacle for our panelists.
So, to David's team,
and a trip down memory lane to 1985.
Suzanne Haywood, hello.
- Hello. Hello Mike. - Hiya.
Hello, how are you?
Alright, thanks.
- I just wanna ask you, Elton, how is marriage
life suiting you? - Marriage life is fine.
We've been married just over a year now
and it's flown by, which is a good sign.
And I compare it to when
I was on tour last year,
and it really dragged on a long time.
And the marriage seems
to have just flown by.
So we're really very very happy,
and that's very nice of you to ask.
- Oh and Elton, how does your wife think
you have any bad habits? - Yeah?
Oh, lots. Yeah. She's trying to get
me to stop doing lots of things,
but I won't tell you what they are.
I do like the fact that, in 1985,
we all thought he was straight.
Everyone then thought he was strai...
But there was one kid that knew the truth.
And just sort of rung
up Superstore and go,
"Yeah, yeah, how's this 'marriage' going out?"
And, "Have you got any habits
that she doesn't like, your wife?"
Yes, that was Elton John appearing
on Saturday Superstore.
And the days when he was,
so far, inside the closet,
that he was paying
regular visits to Narnia.
Elton continued to be happily married,
right up until he realized his
wife didn't have a p*nis.
So, here is your related
fact for David's team.
That would actually involve
Elton being tagged in some way.
Yes, it was developed by
David Furnish's brother.
- Is he...Who...Right. - He's
an electrical engineer.
You are surely saying that he went up to...
With some sort of...like
Mission Impossible 3?
Into the back of his neck, going, like that?
- And "Beep-beep". - Or something
like some kind of swan collar.
Almost a bejeweled anklet.
- That's all it need. - A bejeweled anklet?
You do this with much [something] style.
This isn't the Antiques
Roadshow now, Michael.
Is this the device that's
actually been implanted
in Elton John, or is it just in his bag? - No.
- And he carries it. - It's a
button-sized transmitter.
It came about as a joke,
because Elton, apparently,
kept on losing his mobile phone.
And so David would never know where he was.
They strapped him to a table
and fired a microchip into his ear.
Still no solution to the phone-losing
problem though, is it?
So I know where I am, but
where's my f*cking phone?
Maybe Elton John should just concentrate.
I know you put Elton
tracker in inverted commas,
does that mean if I need to buy one myself,
I have to ask for an 'Elton tracker'?
- Is that the actual name? - If
you wanted to track Elton John,
yes.
- That would be weird, though. - Oh,
can we all do it? Can we all just
go and see where Elton is in any of the time?
Presumably we can all hack
into the signal that the
button-sized transmitter is sending out.
We all know where he is all the time.
The last thing at night that I'd like to
be able to turn to, and it's just a glow,
just see "There's Elton there."
"Safe at home."
I think you open a can of worms if
you hack into the system as well
and have it on while you're in bed, because
like a horror film, one night
you would wake up,
and the chip would be in your house.
Say 'Rocket Man' five times to the mirror,
he turns up.
So David, are you thinking
this is plausible?
I do think it's quite plausible.
- but also, obviously, it might
not. - I think it's doable.
I don't think it's plausible that they
would actually...that he would
constantly track Elton
John wherever he is.
We have to work out whether
it's with Elton's agreement.
I'd like to think that Elton
might know about it,
given that we now all know about it, clearly.
I'd hate him to find out watching the show.
Yeah, so you need to come to a decision.
Michael.
Yes, it has its kind of
whiff of very similitude.
- You...That's... - I think he's saying it's true.
I don't believe it.
Oh, it's a casting vote.
Well, I'm gonna say...
Plausible though it is, I'm
gonna say I think it's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie.
And I can tell you that it is, in fact, a lie.
Absolutely right, well done.
Yes, David Furnish does not
have an Elton tracker sat nav.
Elton and David's relationship
is founded upon trust,
a trust that Elton set up in the mid 90s,
so David would never have to work again.
So at the end of that round, it's Lee's team
who appear to be losing the will to win,
behind as they are, 4-2.
Our next round is called This Is My,
in direct contravention
of any known grammar.
David's team will each
claim to have a unique link
to tonight's mystery guest.
But two of the panelists are lying,
so it's up to Lee's team to
$debrief, deduce and decide.
So please welcome this week's
special guest person, Lee.
So, David, what is Lee to you?
This is Lee.
And for the past six months
he's been teaching me how
to improve my memory.
Michael, perhaps you'd like to
explain how you know Lee?
This is Lee, who is my driver.
And he has also appeared
on episodes of Minder.
- And finally, Dara, you relationship
with Lee? - This is Lee.
He's actually my gardener
and he was introduced to
me by Andrew Lloyd Webber.
So there you are.
A mental coach according to David,
a driver come actor if we believe Michael,
or a Lloyd Webber recommended gardener
according to Dara. Lee's team,
where would you like to begin?
- Dara. Where do you live? - Where
do I live? I live in west London.
And so how is he introduced to
you by Andrew Lloyd Webber?
Well, it wasn't like that we all had a party and then
Webber goes, "Have you met my gardener Lee?"
I did Parkson, and Andrew Lloyd
Webber was on there with Tim Rice once.
And you're making polite chitchat
in the green room afterwards.
And I told him where I lived, and he says
"Oh yeah, I used to live around there."
"How are you finding it?"
And we had a very dull conversation.
It's kind of a grown-up, the
house, 'cause it's got a garden.
I'm just finding it quite
hard to believe that you...
It's for quite exciting time, isn't it?
You're on Parkson, that's quite exciting.
You're meeting Andrew Lloyd Webber,
he's famous. That's quite exciting.
What point did you go, "I love
The Phantom of the Opera."
"You know any good gardeners?"
You know, it's just...I'm
finding it hard to believe.
How long's Lee been your driver?
Oh, blimey.
- And what car does he drive? - 18 years?
Mercedes.
And which seat do you sit on?
I have a funny thing. I like to
sit in the back of the car,
on the left hand side.
So I can do a bit of homework.
Which you could never
do on the right, obviously.
- Well, then you got the driver
right be... - In front of you.
You might need to ask him a
question about your homework.
If he goes, "Uh-uh, it's Brazil."
"It's fine."
He has to swivel all the way around,
and he'll be causing accident on the road.
- So he could be telling the truth. - Yes.
What did he play in Minder?
Oh, as you can imagine, some kind of a heavy.
So you've been in the car
with him for 18 years?
It's the same driver the whole time?
- Yeah. - So what's his surname?
Tippit.
Good question.
- Great answer. - See, that's
how the lying mind work, doesn't it?
Driver, tip. Make it bigger...Tippit!
It was either that or h*nky-horn, wasn't it?
David, could you just tell me
again what your one was?
The last six month.
Lee has been teaching me
how to improve my memory.
OK, how do you do that?
Well, I go to a monthly one-to-one class.
With Lee. And the aim is, basically,
to stop the natural
deterioration of the brain.
Can you give me an example of the
kind of techniques he teaches you?
It's to try and remember
things like, lines for a show.
Essentially, you go on a mental journey.
And you sort of remember it on the basis
of a place that you know very well.
So you associate different parts of,
say, a speech you're trying to learn
with objects that are in your kitchen.
If I said to you 7 items, you could picture
them in a story, couldn't you?
- So we've got a dog. - Possibly...
- Maybe not... - You know what, David,
if you get to 6, I'll believe you.
- OK. - Dog, duck,
house, car, circle, square, triangle.
- Can you repeat them back to me, please?
- Dog, duck, house, car, circle, square, triangle.
Too easy.
- That was incredibly easy. - That was rubbish.
- I didn't have to use any technique at
all. - I've made a classic mistake.
"Could you say 'the apple is there'?"
"The apple is there."
- "How do you remember it?!" - You know what?
I've realized I've got a bad memory.
'cause I can only remember the
names of animals and shapes.
Can we have a look at Lee's hands?
- Yes, you can take a look at... - Can we...
They look like nice hands,
he's not a gardener.
OK, well we need an answer,
so Lee's team, is this person,
David's brain enhancer,
Michael's acting chauffeur,
or Dara's green finger friend?
Yeah, I can see him in...That's the
thing about him, isn't it?
- I could see him in Minder.
- He looks both like a driver
and someone that used to be on Minder.
I think we'll go for...Should we go for...Michael's driver.
Perhaps, our guest, Lee, can
tell us who you really are?
I'm Michael's driver and I've
been in episodes of Minder.
Congratulations.
Yes, Lee is indeed Michael's driver.
- Were you only Michael's driver or
do you drive other people? - No.
I drive other people as well.
You haven't told me that.
Could be the end of beautiful friendship.
Congratulations, thank you
so much, Lee. Well done.
So many thanks to Lee, who
was Michael's driver and
occasionally appeared in Minder.
For those too young to remember Minder,
it was Dennis Waterman's
steppingstone to panto.
So at the end of that round,
it's David's team who are literally
finding it all beneath them,
on top as they are, 4-3,
And so with a tantible sense of relief,
we come to to final round, Quickfire Lies,
where the panelists reveal more
dubious facts about themselves
but this time against the clock.
On occasion when reading a statement out,
they'll reveal a possession
which they will claim is someway
linked to their unsavory lives.
Lee's team is trailing, so now
would be the perfect time
to start bucking their ideas
up. Beginning with...David.
My first word was hoover.
- How old were you? - Would
you pronounce it exactly
'hoover' or did you go 'oover'?
I don't remember.
- I think...My sense of it at the
time - But would your mother...
was that I was saying it
absolutely bang on, you know.
My parents were encouraging, I imagine,
rather than going "You've
mispronounced that. It's brand name."
My children's first word was ashtray.
Very clearly, just said 'ashtray'.
Did he click his fingers
when saying that?
- So roughly, how old were you? - Hoover.
I don't know.
- but the time...When do people start
talking? - How do you know the story?
- Your parents told me.
- Well, my parents have told me.
- But they fail to tell you how old you were
when you said it? - I don't remember doing it.
I don't remember it. I
remember there was a silence.
And the inability to speak.
And suddenly a sense of vacuum
cleaner came into my head and
I knew that I could express it.
He's very intelligent, so I can imagine his
mom and dad going "What's that, then?"
"What's that" and him going
"It's a hoover, of course."
"Please, stupid."
"It's a bloody hoover."
- I don't know, what do you think?
- So is it sounding plausible?
Well, my children's first words were
also dog, cat, ball, mama, dada, small.
Hoover's quite complex word.
I am abstaining or the first time.
- I'm delegating to Davina.
- Alright, I won't take it.
- I'm delegating to Davina.
- No, what do you think?
You're on your own now, love.
Let's just be done with it, let's say it's true.
OK, she's saying it's true.
- David, tell all. - It is, in fact...
- True. - It is true.
- Sensational, yes, it is true. - Wow.
David's first word was hoover.
He was watching Vanessa
Feltz eating at that time.
Next, Davina.
Possession.
- Alright, if you'd like to look at
the box beneath your desk. - Yes.
Open it and tell us what it contains.
Right.
These are the wig and glasses I wear
if I want to pop to the shops unnoticed.
- Let's see it. Pop it on there. - Would you mind
slipping into it?
Obviously, I'd do it properly, but
it's a bit hard to get on my hair.
Do it properly.
Yes.
It's Davina.
Good grief!
- Can I have a look?
- Uncannily like Davina McCall.
You don't think there's the chance
that people aren't approaching,
obviously they recognize you and go,
"That's Davina McCall. Don't get near her.
I think she's having a breakdown."
I think you look like Ken
Barlow's ultimate fantasy.
That is not low-key.
I mean, you do look less like you than normal.
- But... - It's a lot more
casual, dressed-down, plain.
And it works?
Absolutely works, completely.
Not anymore, does it?
I know we have to make a guess, but
I'm really liking that look, by the way.
- I think it's pretty adorable.
- I'm liking it very much.
Thanks, Michael.
- Grr. - Oh yeah yeah, with me, my
opinion is worth nothing here.
So, David, what are you thinking?
- Which way are you...
- I think it's quite plausible.
- So am I. - Yeah, 'cause...
Yeah, you do look very different.
But the other side is it's a big, you're really...
If somebody discovers who you are,
you really are exposed, just having put on
a silly disguise. - It's kind of embarrassing.
It's one short of a deerstalker and a pipe.
- So what do you think?
- I don't believe a word of it.
- Yeah, so, I think it's a lie.
-If you got caught doing it once,
it'd be really embarrassing.
- Now, I've changed my mind entirely about
this. - And particularly if somebody just
discovers you wearing
the glasses and the wig,
take them off and then
don't recognize you.
- That would be embarrassing. - Yeah.
So I think we're gonna go for a lie then.
- Lie. - Yeah, I think it's a lie.
They're all going for for a lie, suddenly. Davina,
tell us whether this is the truth or a lie.
Well, actually, it is...
- A lie. - That is a lie.
Next, Jason.
Oh.
I applied for Mastermind with
the specialist subject Columbo.
Who plays Columbo?
Peter Falk.
- Who made Columbo? Who
made it? - I was put...Sorry?
Universal.
OK.
- Could be. That is a company that makes
things. - Could be. Hang on, what...
What are the years in which William
Shatner has appeared in Columbo?
Because he's appeared more than once.
- What years are those episodes?
- He's been in 3 episodes.
'74, '71. Probably guess he's in '78, maybe?
You're definitely wrong there,
'cause he's been in one that
sort of looks more modern
which I think would be in the early 90s,
and the kind of newer ones and less good.
In the first one that
William Shatner appears in,
what is the device by which he...
If you're not telling the truth, let me warn you,
you're messing with the wrong man.
What's the device he uses, the...Apparently
in that context, futuristic device he uses
by which he makes it seem that it's a
different time from the time it really is.
What does he use?
What machine?
No, I don't know.
Right, this is rubbish, then. Y
ou're not an expert on Columbo,
- I've only just watched Columbo a bit. That
one's been on low, - On that episode...
- and it's a video recorder. - Hang
on, that's not on that episode.
- Sorry? - He didn't say he was an
expert anyway, said he replied.
He got rejected for knowing "f*ck off!"
David, what are you thinking?
OK, we'll go for a lie.
OK, they're saying it's a lie, Jason?
- What's the truth of it? - Stop, wait.
It says 'Columbia'.
"Going again. Let's go again."
"Just one more thing, it's..."
- It's a lie. - It is a lie.
It is a lie, yes. Jason did
not apply to Mastermind
with the specialist subject of Columbo.
He was just about to apply,
but then Columbo started.
In episodes of Columbo, you
remember the viewer
know all along who the m*rder*r is.
Rather like with Princess Diana.
Which incessant buzzing means that
at the end of tonight's contest,
it's David's team who are
tonight's prizefighters,
having comprehensively
out-punched Lee's team 7-5.
How did that happen?
So hats off to our winners,
bug off to our losers.
And we leave you with news that
according to research scientists,
habitual liars tend to speak
in a dull, flat monotone,
which begs the question "Just what
is Ken Livingstone trying to hide?"
Good night.
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