Tonight on Would I Lie To You,
phenia, it's Phil Daniels
I'd say, it's Michael McIntyre.
And their team captain, David Mitchell!
And facing them tonight,
she knows who's who, it's Lauren Laverne.
He hasn't a clue, it's Graeme Garden.
And their team captain, Lee Mack!
But first repeatedly press your manual extremities together,
for your host Angus Deayton!
Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,
the only show where you have to
spot which of our panelists are cheats, fibbers and downright liars.
One in five people tell lies in the workplace,
although if you work at a call center,
that figure rises to near a five in five.
Two thirds of all CVs contain lies,
most often about age, for example,
Geri Halliwell's CVs say she was born in the 20th century.
And there is a machine that can
distinguish between truths and lies,
it's called a wife.
Which brings us hurtling into round one, Home Truths,
where our panelists read out statements from the cards in front of them.
As yet, they don't know what's written on the card, a true fact or a whopper of a lie.
Ideally, they need quick wits, a poker face,
and in a perfect world, the ability to read.
So with that in mind, Phil, you're up first.
In real life, my next door
neighbour is called Ian Beale.
- Your next door neighbour is called Ian Beale? - Yes.
- Right. - Where do you live?
In Gospeloke.
- Which is in north London. - It's
north London, I live in north London.
- The Beales of
north London. - Yes.
- There are four Beales. - Yes?
- Yes. - Who are the others?
There's Mrs. Beale, Mr. Beale,
Brian Beale and Ian Beale.
And is he wonderfully interesting
as the character Ian Beale?
Well, he's quite good fun, I drink with
him sometimes. He's a postman.
And he's always in the pub by 12
o'clock in Gospeloke, the Old Oak.
- I've been in the Old Oak. - Have you been in the Old Oak? - Yeah.
But I didn't buy a drink.
- No, I left them... - You ran away, didn't you?
- It's quite... - I thought, "They don't do goats cheese tartlets here."
No, they drink beer.
That's what they do.
So how did you find out about Ian Beale?
Well, I met him in the pub.
And he said, "Ahoy, you're in Eastenders."
"And I'm Ian Beale."
Oh, right, but he never bothered shouting over the fence this
- when he saw you in the garden? - No.
I didn't know he lived nextdoor of me.
Shane MacGowan lived there before he did.
So this bloke followed the strict tactic of shouting over the fence to people
- only if he moved in before them. - No, no.
I'm not saying that. Hang on.
I'm saying he told me in the pub.
Does the person that live on the other
side of Ian Beale, does he talk to him?
- over the fence? - Who, Sylvester McCoy?
- Real Sylvester McCoy or someone... - The real Sylvester McCoy.
Lives nextdoor but one?
- Yes. - You know, suddenly, for the first
time, I'm starting to believe him.
- Really? - Well, anyone that was lying wouldn't make life hard by
going "I know, I live nextdoor to the old Doctor Who as well." That'll help.
I can't imagine a postman
buying Shane MacGowan's house.
I can't go...I can't imagine that.
Are we saying it's a lie?
- I think it's a lie. - I think it's a lie.
I think that it is a lie as well.
OK, they're saying that you're
lying. Phil, truth or untruth?
Lie.
Yes, it is a lie.
Phil's nextdoor neighbour
is not called Ian Beale.
Eastenders, if you remember, once
brought Dirty Den back from the dead,
and they've recently done the
same thing with Bobby Davro.
So, Graeme, your turn to astound.
I have five pigs, all named
after my favourite newsreaders.
What are the questions gonna be here?
- At this point, we have to ask you, which
five newsreaders? - Can't we guess them?
- Can't we guess them? - No, we can't.
- He has to random... - Please, can we guess them?
- Moira? - You've got...
- You've got absolutely no idea... - Ryan Hanrahan?
- Trevor McDonald. - This is just...
- This is suicide. Are you working for them? - Old Mac Trevor McDonald.
Sorry.
This is the opportunity where Graeme
has to rattle off five newsreaders,
- And you've just handed
him four on a plate. - No, I know.
- You idiot. - No, you're right.
Should we give him more time?
Would you like a pen and paper, Graeme?
Maybe we should all leave the room
and they can work on an essay about it.
- Can I ask..Garden... - No, you can't. Silence!
What are the name of the five newsreaders please, Graeme?
What was the first one you said?
No, actually, he said Trevor McDonald, and one of the pigs is called Trevor McDonald.
- Yeah, okay. - One, which you probably
wouldn't have guessed, is called Jackie Bird.
Because she's a BBC Scotland newsreader.
- Alright, do you live in Scotland? - No,
but it just looks like a Scottish pig.
First one I had was called Robert Dougall.
- Do you remember him? We're going
way back. - Quite an old pig then.
Angela, obviously, she was
before your time, probably.
And my newest piglet is Natasha.
- After? - After Angela.
- Where do you keep these pigs?
- Well, they're my pigs.
I don't actually have a piggery at home.
But there's a farm nearby
which keeps them in the yard.
And I'd go and visit them and...They take care of most of the feeding and stuff
but I go and feed them sometimes.
And what do you feed them?
Scraps.
That's the name of my dog.
Or at least it was.
So have you met any of the five newsreaders that you've named your pigs after?
I've met Trevor McDonald
and Angela Rippon.
Have you said to them "I have a pig named after you?"
Would you?
Do you think this is all adding up?
Phil, what do you think?
It's a lie.
I think it's a lie.
I think it's true, but obviously the majority rules.
But I will never let it go if I'm proved right.
You're allowed to [something] honest.
- So, you've effected and you're gonna make a decision then? - I think we're going to say it's a lie.
OK, they're saying it's a lie, Graeme,
- what's the truth? - Simple.
It's a lie.
- Good job. - Yes, it is a lie.
Graeme does not have five pigs all
after his favourite newsreaders.
Many newsreaders end their broadcast
with an amusing and finale story.
As nothing takes the edge off the m*rder, starvation and w*r in the world
like a monkey riding a horse.
And last, Michael, your turn in the confessional.
I should say, now that I know the rules, I'm gonna be all over this.
I recall that there are, like, tells, aren't there?
People have tells, like, when you wink
or flare your nostrils or look away,
so I'm gonna be doing all of them just in case.
This is a bit like when we had
Harry Redknapp on the show, innit?
For two weeks, I drove a car
that could only turn left.
When you say you drove for two weeks, you mean you couldn't stop?
It just went on and on...
turning left.
- Uh, no. - I wouldn't like to be the sat nav in that car.
Turn right. Turn right!!
WILL you turn right?!
Why could it only turn left?
It was hit. My wife had an accident in it.
So you couldn't turn the wheel right.
Yeah, only go left.
- Why couldn't you turn the wheel right? - 'Cause the metal of the car.
Hang on, Michael, Michael,
don't get so technical with me.
The metal of the car, yeah?
Be more specific, what bit of the metal of the car?
The metal bit.
It was the front bit over the wheel was bent into the wheel
so you could no longer
turn the wheel to the right.
So in no point in the two weeks,
you are driving, and there was only one way to go,
- which was a sharp right. - At one point, yes.
You're at the corner of the road,
- sharp right, you're on that corner, you
realize you can't turn right. - Yes.
Tell me what happens next.
- I turn left. - You go left and left and left.
You can't, you're on a sharp end to the right, there's no left.
I wouldn't have been that because
I've pre-planned my journey.
It's very frustrating.
When you've got to be there,
and you realize the only way to get there is to go
eft, left, left, left, and left again.
That's why it must be very annoying to be a ballroom dancer.
'Cause you've just got to get there,
and you've got to go round
and round and round.
It'd be quite simple just to go, plunk.
Graeme, what do you think?
I think he's lying.
Lauren?
I think, probably lying.
We all think as a team
that not only is it a lie, it's a pretty bad lie.
In fact, a lie that you should be ashamed of
and you should leave the show immediately.
It's just over there on your right,
you might have to go through there, through there, through there...
Well how do you like this? It's true! Get over yourself.
It is true.
Michael did drive a car that could only left for a whole two weeks.
Would have been less, but unfortunately the AA sent out a van that could only turn right.
When it was eventually diagnosed, it turned out the problem was
caused by the nut holding the steering wheel.
So, to Ring of Truth,
a round on the surface quite simple, but in reality even easier.
I read out some bizarre statements about celebrities
and our teams take turns to decide
whether those claims are truths or trash.
David's team are first.
Or did he?
Well, I believe that it might cost $1,700
to fly first class on British Airways,
so that I can believe.
It was upgraded.
- Why, um... - A hat was upgraded?
It was, it was upgraded to fly in the c*ck.
That's not first class, the c*ck.
No, it was upgraded from the first class.
- To the c*ck? - To the c*ck.
See, that's a reas...You should never buy a first class ticket.
You might end up getting upgraded,
and having to fly the f*cking plane.
If he needed it as a prop,
then you know, it's justifiable.
No, but it's not justifiable send it first class.
You could put it in the hold or you could put it in economy.
With the scummy hats.
So were they wearing it in the c*ck?
I think it was sitting in the c*ck.
'Cause that would freak me out, if I was waiting for a flight, I look out of the window,
and there's some captain with a trilby on.
I couldn't be dealing with that.
- What do you think? You don't... - I think yes.
Rock and roll, you know, people do things like that.
I'm leaning on lie.
You're leaning on lie, you're leaning true.
- Yes. - I'm gonna go lie.
OK, and I can tell you it is absolutely true.
Yep, it is true, Bono did once pay $1,700
to have his favourite trilby flown
first class to a concert in Italy.
A totally unrelated story, on the same day,
British Airways staff set a new world record for wiping their asses on a hat.
Yes, every three seconds, Bono
does something annoying.
Lee's team, you're up next, you might find this slightly strange.
Well, I first started reading bottoms about four years ago.
At a party. It was a friend's birthday.
And someone was saying "Oh, you can read anything."
The guy says "Oh, well, read my bottom."
Then I did do, and made some predictions and
then they came true. So that's how it started.
- Your boyfriend, is he having problems with his car at the moment? - Yeah.
It's like his baby, if you like.
Do you think I'm on the right career path?
I feel, your management are very
impressive for what you've done so far.
'Cause you've clinched some shaky deals.
Michael, that wasn't your wife, was it, when she said,
"Is your boyfriend having problems with his car at the moment?"
So here is the related fact, then, for Lee's team.
I don't wanna be cruel to Mick, but if you've got a face like that,
you're not gonna worry about your arse, are you really?
See, I believe that women would have
because women are quite open
about improving themselves
while the blokes all tend to a bit more coy.
Well, they are made for women, these jeans.
So he's got the arse of a woman when he wears them.
The moment of truth in the bedroom, you know,
assuming that his arse has actually pulled somebody.
It's gonna be a time when people, with the lights off,
- What do we think? - I can't imagine it.
No.
- Graeme? - I think he did.
Do you? Based on what?
Just want to put you on the spot.
I think it's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie, OK, and I can tell you it is, in fact, a lie.
It is a lie. Mick Hucknell does not wear trousers called 'bun boosters'
to add definition to his rear.
It must be strange to come from a Manchester music scene that
spawned Shaun Ryder and Bez and
still be known as 'the ugly one'.
Which means at the end of that round,
it's David's team who are sitting prettiest,
ahead as they are, three two.
Our next round is the curiously titled This Is My.
In which Lee's team all claim to have a special relationship with our mystery guest.
Only one of them is telling the truth.
And it's David's team's job
to go through the charade of
carefully interrogating Lee's team,
before taking a wild step in the dark.
So, please welcome this week's special guest person Roger.
So, Graeme, what is Roger to you?
This is my friend Roger,
I presented him with a prize at the Chipping
Norton Giant Vegetable Competition.
Lee, perhaps you'd like to
explain how you know Roger?
This is Roger, together we ring the bells at the local church.
And finally, Lauren, what's your relationship with Roger?
This, obviously is Roger, hiya, are you alright?
It's a bit embarrassing, because Roger actually removed a tattoo that I had of the Fonz.
So there you have it, a vegetable growing champion if we believe Graeme,
a church-going bell-ringer according to Lee,
or an expert Fonz tattoo removal
surgent if we believe Lauren.
David's team, where to begin?
Right, Lee, what's the church?
East Molesey Methodist Church
What's a bell ringer called?
Well, I'm called Lee, and he's called Roger.
We haven't all got the same name, that would never work.
Was the term for the practice of bell-ringing?
Campanology.
- OK. - What? Is that right?
Weren't expecting that, were you, Mitchell?
Can I just ask Roger, if you could
just turn around a little bit,
'cause I'm gonna try to read your arse.
Notice the way he's gonna be turned to the left.
I got a lot from your arse, but nothing to do with this round.
- If you'd like to go back to the bell ringing... - So, a Methodist church with a bell tower.
That's unusual, isn't it?
- Are you a practising Methodist? - No, no, no, I'm an expert.
How many times have you rung the bells with Roger?
How many times have I rung the bells with Roger? Probably about six times.
But I've done it about eight or nine times, ten times.
What was it about two and a half month ago, you said "I need a new hobby"?
I met Roger...I was at a neighbour's party.
And we got chatting, I had had a few to drink.
And I started do what most people do.
You know, we just slightly, jokingly ribbing him about his hobby.
And then he said "Well, you should come down
some time and try it." So for a laugh, I do.
And it was actually quite a good exercise,
so I thought "You know what, I'm gonna do this."
David, would you like to
interrogate any of the others?
Yes, why did you get a tattoo of the Fonz?
It was kind of like a late 90s, ironic statement.
Like "Oh yeah, that'll be
funny. Let's go and do it."
We're all kind of at a party, just being daft.
And I was like, "Yeah, you're brilliant. Yeah,
I'm gonna do it." and went off and did it.
And then obviously thought "I've got a Henry Winkler on my thigh for life."
How do you remove a tattoo?
With a laser tattoo removal.
- Is it like how I imagine, is it a helmet and big laser g*ns...What does it look like? - No, no.
- It's like... - Does he walk in and go...
It's like, well, I mean, obviously,
the person who's doing it does
wear glasses, protective glasses.
But not like a big welder's
helmet or anything like that.
- And it's just like a pulse. - This
laser technique for removing it.
Is it quite a sort of a surgical, posh, advanced thing?
No, it's not posh, you've got to pay for it, you know.
Well, posh and free aren't synonyms.
Alright, Cambridge boy.
Alright, Sunderland girl.
Graeme, can you tell us about the occasion of...
What was it, the Chipping Norton Giant Vegetable..
- Contest? - Yes, what do you
want to know about?
- What was Roger's... - I mean, Roger has
won the prize several years running.
But not always for the same category.
So I know he did win the biggest cucumber one year.
And he might have had the longest leek.
- And so do you give the prizes every year? - I give the prizes out, yeah.
How do you know, Graeme?
If someone brings a sprout, and they say this is a really massive sprout.
How do you know it's not just a cabbage?
It has to be proved it's been cut off a stalk with other sprouts on it.
- For the moment, I'm in a ridiculous situation where - David, you've got to pick someone.
the Massive...Chipping Norton
Massive Vegetable Contest
which initially sounded like the most made-up thing I've ever heard,
is the most plausible of the three.
Do you live near Chipping Norton?
Yes.
Yeah. See? That's plausible.
- Do you have a thought at all? - I would go with Lauren.
- Lauren. - Lauren.
- Phil has said Lauren, and you think
Lauren. Do you? - I do.
I'll change to Graeme, then.
Alright, well, you need an answer, so David's team, is Roger
Graeme's ace vegetable champion,
Lee's bell-ringing chum,
or Lauren's tattoo removal specialist?
I'm gonna go with...I'm gonna go with Graeme.
Well, perhaps Roger would like to reveal his own identity?
Well, it's Graeme, he presented me with two
prizes of last years' vegetable contest.
Roger has won the Chipping Norton Giant Vegetable Competition.
Roger's cucumbers are grown purely for size at the expense of all tastes and texture.
And are available at all leading supermarkets.
Roger's longest leek was also up for a
prize from the British Innuendo Society.
As a result of which, they gave him one.
So...
That means, at the end of their round, it's Lee's team who are left licking their wounds,
behind as they are, 4-2.
Our final round is, was and always will be Quickfire Lies.
In which our panelists are selected rapidly and randomly to lie against the clock.
Again from a card that they haven't seen before.
Time for losers to catch up, for winners to extend their lead,
and for me to confuse matters further
by throwing in occasional possessions,
which panelists must instantly claim to own.
Lee's team are behind, so need, quite frankly, to get their act together.
Starting with...Lee.
For six months, I cleaned the windows of the Empire State Building.
Did you finish?
I didn't finish it, [something] we
all know it never finishes.
It's like the Forth Road Bridge.
- No, no, it's taller. - Alright.
When was this in your life?
- 198...About 1987. - Right.
And why were you in New York?
I was just backpacking around America.
- And you decided "I'll stick here for..." - Well, I
wasn't backpacking around going like that going...
- Then six months later, I got the bag and went...
- Yeah, but why did you stay there for six months?
- You're backpacking around, you might do a job
for a few weeks. - Well, 'cause I had a good job.
Well, 'cause I ran out of money and I ended up staying in New York.
How long would it take you to do a window?
It would take roughly...It would take about an hour, something like that.
No, hour per window? No way.
I feel very much that this is true.
Well, I feel very much that it's a lie..
- Lie. - Lie.
They're saying it is a lie, Lee?
It is in fact a lie.
Yes, it's a lie, Lee did not clean the windows of the Empire State Building for six months.
Although the hardest part of the job traditionally has been
scraping the huge amounts of giant
gorilla sh*t off the side of the building.
Next, David.
When I was little, I used to dress myself as an 18th century nobleman.
Yeah, he definitely did.
Look at him.
Why?
Well, um...
Fun?
- Can you describe the costume? - What did you wear?
Well, it wasn't perfect.
It basically involved tucking my
trousers into my knee-length socks.
- And tying a bit of string
round a small mack - This is true.
- to make it more like a tailored coat. - A mack?
I'll be honest with you, I could have
wandered a costume drama
and people would have gone "That's not right."
What did you do when you are dressed up?
- I had a sword. - Right.
Do you have the sword to fight?
Sort of...With the air.
No shield?
No, they didn't...In the 18th century... That's all wrong. Shields? No.
What do you think, Lauren?
Yeah, totally, it's David, yeah, definitely.
- Graeme? - I think it's true.
Yeah. I can just see him in his little mack.
- Lee? - I don't know. It's too...Too David.
- Too obvious, you know what I
mean? - Too easy, yeah.
I'm reluctant to say yes, but I will go with the team. David?
I believe you're telling the truth.
- OK, David. - Well, it is in fact true.
Yeah, it is true.
David did dress as an 18th century nobleman when he was little.
The 18th century was a vibrant period richly populated with impressive historical figures.
Voltaire, Dr. Johnson, Russell Brand.
Next, Lauren.
I got my head stuck in railings three times in the same week.
Recently? Or...
No, this is when I was very little, quite young.
What were you trying to achieve through these railings?
Well, nothing, I wasn't, like,
trying to get to the other side,
I'm not a f*cking idiot, am I?
How long was your head in there?
I didn't...When you are a kid, time flies, doesn't it?
No, quite the reverse, when you're a kid, time feels a lot longer.
A year when you're, like, three, is a third of all the time you've known.
Well, then yeah, it felt like ages.
Did you freak out and scream and cry or...
- Were you sort of calm about it? - I think
I was kind of, like, stupid enough to do it,
but intelligent enough to be embarrassed.
So...I didn't make too much of a
fuss. I was just like "Oh, God"
How old were you?
Like, a kid. Like...Six.
- Five? - Five.
Cause I don't think I was intelligent enough to be embarrassed when I was five.
When I did something incredibly stupid when I was five,
I would just happily have cried and shouted
"Get me out of this situation. Ow, ow."
Rather than going "I've actually been rather a fool."
Alright, so David, what kind of decision are you veering toward?
I suppose...It's eminently plausible.
So...Should we say true?
OK, we'll say true.
You're saying it's true, OK. Lauren, are you lying through your teeth?
OK, it is true.
Yes, it is true.
Lauren did get her head stuck in the railings three times in the same week.
Still, it made a change from the traditional Sunderland pastimes of
dog fighting, badger baiting
and marveling at electricity.
Next, Phil.
Possession.
Ah, right, you need to look inside your box.
Tell us what it contains.
These are the slippers Sting
sent me for my last birthday.
Wow.
Not that cool, to be honest.
Believed you up to that moment.
Why did he buy you slippers?
Because in Quadrophenia, I had a scene
where I wore some slippers similar to that.
- And...Oh, yes, I did. - No, you didn't. I'd know that.
- What scene? - In the bedroom.
- You don't say. - When he was looking at the wall of pictures of girls on the wall,
and he had a pair of slippers on.
Yeah, I remember the scene he's talking
about and he could be right.
But I'm like, kicking myself.
- Sting was in Quadrophenia, wasn't he? - Yeah.
Yeah, and I did this thing. I went to a signing.
- Right. - We started chatting about the old times and
things happened and I got
them as a bit of a joke.
He must know you really well to give you slippers that match your shirt.
Not bad, eh?
What do you call him? Do you
call him Gordon or Sting?
Sting, you don't call him Gordon.
No, you don't.
Don't call him Gordon, it's his name!
He won't...
He's decided the names aren't
good enough for the likes of him.
He's gonna take a verb.
That means everyone thinks he's good and no one thinks he's a twat.
Could you do me a favor?
Could you just put one your feet up
on the desk, next to the slipper,
we'll check the size.
They're exactly the right size.
It's gotta be true, isn't it?
- It's a very... - Alright, let's go for true.
- True. - They're saying it's true.
Put us out of out misery.
How would he know my size? It's a lie.
Yes, it is a lie.
Sting did not send Phil those
slippers for his birthday.
Sting doesn't give out birthday presents
as his music is a gift, so let's hope he's kept the receipt.
Which nasty buzzing noise means that it's the end of tonight's show.
And I had to tell you that David's team are this week's masters of their own domain,
having spanked Lee's team 9-3.
So, hurrah to our winners, yah boo sucks to our losers.
And I leave you with news that according to scientific research,
a common indicator that someone's
lying is if they start sweating.
It's also an indicator that someone's got the heating up too high,
they're grossly overweight,
or they're living in a Carry On film and an
attractive young lady just bent over.
Good night.
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