02x09 - The Unseen Bits (Series 2)

[bunniefuu]

Tonight on the Best of Would I Lie To You,

Davina McCall.

Jimmy Carr.

Gabby Logan.

Richard Wilson.

Ben Shephard.

Robert Webb.

Frankie Boyle.

Graeme Garden.

Lauren Laverne.

Jason Manford.

Russell Howard.

And their team captain, Lee Mack.

And facing them tonight,

Rob Brydon.

Michael Aspel.

David Baddiel.

Dara Ó Briain.

Trisha Goddard.

Phil Daniels.

Rich Hall.

Krishnan Guru-Murthy.

Danny Baker.

Maureen Lipman.

Michael McIntyre.

And their team captain, David Mitchell.

But first, behave like
irritating neighbors,

and make lots of noise for
your host, Angus Deayton!

Good evening and welcome
to this hastily cobbled

together, specially-compiled bonus
edition of Would I Lie to You.

Yes, 30 minutes of largely
unbroadcast material

deemed too funny to show
you the first time round.

If you have a red button on your handset,

it will be of absolutely no use
to you for the next half hour.

This is a quiz about lying.

Lying by omission is when you
knowingly leave some information

out, like when the estate agent shows
you around in the 2-minute gap

that the Eurostar isn't going
through the kitchen.

Scientists have developed a truth serum

that makes people incapable of lying.

It's called six pints of lager.

And so to round one,

in which our contestants are given

one simple yet frequently
insurmountable task

to read a statement from
the card in front of them.

They never know what's on the card,

a true fact or something we made up earlier.

This can lead to panic, nausea
and occasional vomiting.

People who expect high quality
fibbing should look away now.

I was voted the 47th sexiest man in Wales.

Who was the 48th?

I think it was John Humphrys. The...

Who made this...Who was it that...

Wales has its own newspaper
called the Western Mail.

Have we asked him which year this was?

Yeah, which year was it?

It was clearly not in the last 10.

It was about...

Listen to you, George Clooney.

I can take that coming from Robert,
who has a certain earthy charm.

- Right, thank you. - But from a
rejected Chuckle Brother, it's a bit rich.

So, team captain, what are you saying?

- OK, we think that's a lie. - Yeah.

Okay, they're saying it's a lie.

- It's true. - It's absolutely true.

Yep, it's true. Rob was voted
the 47th sexiest man in Wales.

And would have finished even higher if he
hadn't got cramped in his dialing finger.

Next, Robert.

I was voted the 88th
sexiest man in the world.

By who?

- By...It was the readers of some
women's magazine. - Which one?

You would know.

Where did David finish?

- I'm not so very sure David was on that
list. - Not listed, unfortunately.

Generally, Robert is considered the
better-looking one of your outfit.

But it were me...

I...Can I say this,

I think that you are
easier on the eye than him.

- Great. - I think there's
something very pleasing...

You might notice, I've been looking at you a lot.

I just think he looks lovely.

Feel a bit weird about this.

But, you know, thanks.

- Rob, if we can drag you back to... - Anyway. Yes.

- the pole... - I think it's true.

Robert, the answer?

- It is true. - It is true.

I had an interview at MI5 to be a spy.

- Where's MI5, Jimmy? Yeah. - Where's MI5?

It's on the South Bank now,

but that building was
unfinished at the time,

so it was at a meeting in Millbank.

What was it? Like a planning
meeting that you and MI5...

- Planning? No, I wasn't gonna
be...I wasn't gonna build

the new headquarters. - In
fact, the building wasn't finished.

They are thinking of setting
up a big organization of spies.

- Well, you know... - Lots of g*ns and handcuffs,

and itching powders, we don't know how
we're gonna use that, but it's all fun.

And we are building a huge
crazy building on the South Bank,

which is actually MI6, but never mind.

Can I say I'm worried now that
you know a bit much about it?

And you really do seem like a spy, I think.

'Cause you're posh and a tiny bit
g*y, even though you're not.

Hang on, David, I'll stop you
there. Posh and a little bit g*y?

- Posh? - What are you talking about, man?

You're the least "posh and a little bit g*y"
of anyone in the world ever, Lee.

f*ck off, you puff.

Oh, I see, like that. Yes, right.

Thing is Jimmy, if I'm right about you,

you were a virgin until you were
about 27, as far as I remember.

- 26. - 26. And that was
the last series of this show.

Shall we not bring it up again?

Here's the thing, this was
your opportunity to pull.

Will you be sent abroad?

Don't you start, I'm having
enough trouble with them.

- You're not even in this, what are
uou talking about?! - That's the show.

Jimmy, your attitude under
interrogation is just a bit churlish.

Which, as a spy, you really
shouldn't be, you know?

Somebody interrogates and starts
asking questions, and you go,

"Are you in this? Are you..."

Is this during the Cold w*r?

Yeah, I'm 50.

You might be, your hair's dyed.

Fashion tips from the tr*mp.

Now, now girls. Was there a
practical side to the interview?

Yes, I had to f*ck a girl in the speedboat.

David Mitchell, what are
you thinking as team captain?

- I think it's not true. - Not true.

OK, we'll go with that that's a lie.

OK, they're saying it's lie.
Jimmy?

It's a lie.

Can I just say, you made
that really hard for yourself.

It says "I once had an interview at MFI."

And so to Lee's team,

who have this rather eerie
premonition of impending disaster,

for those who are aware of
how Rod Hull sadly met his end.

I've locked up the canteen,
everything's nice and tight.

- Look at the clock. - Well, it
never worked anyway, did it?

Look.

It's loosening the aerial, you
have to go on the roof and fix it.

- I'm not gonna go...Leave it.
-Come on. You can't leave it.

The viewers'll have no program.

I wonder what's wrong with it.

What was that bit out there?

Has that done it?

Yes, that's alright.

That was Rod and Emu on the program EBC.

And as you are now aware,
tragedy struck shortly afterwards

when Rod was given a second series.

And some 19 years later, of
course, Rod Hull did sadly died

when fixing an aerial on his roof.

So here's the intriguing Rod and Emu fact:

Or was he?

- Lee? - Does everybody
know that he had a fake arm?

Well, he didn't have to...

It wasn't...It wasn't a real emu.

He didn't really have a neighbor
that was a fat green witch, either.

I thought, you meant that he
had...One of his arms wasn't real.

- How does... -Well how did he operate emu?

I think it would be an odd choice
of career for a one-arm man

to become a ventriloquist.

So what are you
thinking, is this truth or tosh?

I think it's a lie.

- Robert? - I think it's a lie.

I think that that is a lie as well. I'll say lie.

OK, it is in fact, a big fat lie.

- Brilliant. - Yes.

Yes, Rod Hull was not buried along
with his fake arm and the very first emu.

Rod's not the only performer
to have made a living

by dragging an erratic and
embarrassing old bird around,

Richard Madeley is doing
very nicely as well.

So, to David's team, who have this to savor.

Please present the meat entrees.

Don't, tell him. Don't, tell him.

Melissa, I don't know what you're trying to do.

Whether you're trying to upset our guest.

But right now, I'm starting to get pissed.

Now, Sent. Your. Food.

Let's go.

Right, domes off.

- Jan. - Yes, chef?

Describe the dish.

That's a duck breast.

You four hell's b*tches...

I am embarrassed.

I don't think I've ever,
ever, been so embarrassed

inside this restaurant in my entire life.

Get out [of] my sight.

He's so angry in that, he's
forgotten the word 'of'.

It's like, essentially the way he's been,

obviously willing to
Americanize for the money,

so he's actually accidentally said
that he's...going to get drunk.

- Yeah. - And he said 'bring the meat'...

I think he was trying
to say ‘the meat entrees’.

Because that's...Entree is what the Americans
moronically refer to a main course there.

But, it just sounds like 'Bring on the meat on trays."

I mean, what...The meat on trays?
Is that how you serve the meat?

Yeah, a big tray of meat, $9.99.

Clearly the thing that he's
good at is saying 'f*ck'.

And they've told him he's
not allowed to say it.

And he just...All he can say is "I'm embarrassed."

Gordon Ramsey, anyway, is less
then happy about the duck.

Of course, normally in Gordon's
kitchen, if they shout out 'Duck',

it's because he's just thrown
meat cleaver at someone's head.

Please welcome tonight's
special guest person, Gareth.

So, Trisha, what's Gareth to you?

This is Gareth, and he came on my show

to cure his fear of

scotch eggs.

Yeah, right.

OK, Rich, perhaps you'd like
to explain how you know Gareth?

This is Gareth, and he pimped my ride

and turned my car into
the ultimate fishingmobile.

And finally, David, what's your
relationship with Gareth?

This is Gareth, and he freed me from
a rollercoaster when the car got stuck.

Please let that one be true, please.

So, there you are, Trisha's phobic guest,

a car pimper according to Rich,

or a theme park rescuer if we believe David.

Lee's team, where do you want to start?

Oh, definitely Trisha.

I've seen your show.

You don't have people that have
come up because they are scared...

He might have come up because
he had sex with a scotch egg.

Scared of a scotch egg?

- He had a bad experience.
- And how does this fear manifest itself?

He used to sort of...get panic-y and
scared when he saw a scotch egg.

Surely it's very easy to avoid scotch eggs.

- Well... - It's a tiny section of the supermarket

that you could easily walk round.

"Oh, I need to get some Baileys
for Christmas. Ah! An egg!!"

What if he loves pork pies?

- Yeah, - Name a supermarket where

- the pork pies aren't right
next to the scotch eggs. - Yeah.

And what was your show
called, the particular one?

It was called "Fiance, your fear of
scotch eggs will ruin my wedding buffet".

Oh, right.

That's insensitive...

to deliberately order the
pyramid of scotch eggs,

knowing that your future
husband's terrified of them.

- If I could steer you towards
one of the other... - Oh yeah.

What about the rollercoa...
Which rollercoaster?

It was the Runaway Mine Train.

The what?

The idea was that a historical train
by which mines were accessed

had run away with itself.

and that that would be scary.

- Where was it? - It was Alton Towers.

- Alton Towers? - And so
how did you get stuck?

Well, the train ceased to run away.

It goes through lots of tunnels
and in one of the tunnels,

it suddenly stopped in the dark.

- Right. - And they said over the speaker.

They said "Stay where you are,
we'll be sending someone."

- And it was Gareth. - I'm
honestly struggling with the idea

that you went for a day out at Alton Towers.

Were you presenting a documentary for
BBC 4 about the horror of modern life?

- David's not been on the ride and got stuck, has he?
- Oh, David's never been on a ride.

I have.

I was on a stag do.

That's where people like me
have to do things that

they wouldn't otherwise
remotely want to do.

- What about Rich's car pimper? - Rich.

Your car was turned into a fishingmobile?

What is the car...What was it...What made...

It's not a car, actually, it's
a small pickup truck.

So how did it turn into a fishingmobile?

Well, basically, there's just two big
all weather bucket seats in the back

that you can sit on it, fish
without bend swivel.

It has a rack for fishing rods, and

the glove box folds out and you
can tie flies in the glove box.

It sounds like he's doing drive-by fishing.

You don't have to get out of your truck.

So he's not doing much pimping, has he?

I have been wearing bronzing
powder since the age of 12.

- How old are you? - 31.

No, you weren't. No way,
bronzing powder wasn't your...

What exactly is bronzing powder?

- Is that the same as...You mean, to make you look suntanned? - Yeah.

Suntanned like this.

- Why do you wear it? - Well, you put it on, and people go "You look well."

You know, and I notices that
they were saying that.

So I thought, well, look,
can I ask you a question?

Why are we seven in makeup?

Well, to catch up with you.

The fact is, you're in makeup.

Because you want to look good on TV.

And I just want to take that into...you know, outside of television.

- You wanna look TV smooth 24-7. - Yeah.

- These things must come
in specific colors. - Bronze.

What option have you chosen?

Deep bronze.

Heavenly mahogany. I don't know the actual bloody name of the color.

- Graeme. what do you think? - Well, if that's deep mahogany bronze, you've been robbed.

That's a lie.

- It's a lie. - Big lie.

Big lie.

They're saying it's a lie.

So, Michael, fact or fable?

It is indeed, true!

TV smooth, baby!



TV good!

People meet you in the
street, they try to change channel.

Look at this guy!

He looks TV good! I thought...

I mean, I'm very glad you're
so pleased for the team,

but I think in a minute...

In a minute, you're gonna
have to face the wider truth

- of what people now know
of you. - No, I know, yeah.

It's true. Michael has been wearing
bronzing powder since the age of 12.

The good thing about bronzing powder is that people can't see that you're embarrassed.

No matter how many times they point and shout,

"There's a grown man wearing bronzing powder!"

All he's doing is to get a pickup truck,

stuck some fishing rods and then a bucket!

It's not "pimp my ride", it's
"stick a bucket in my car".

It's what it should be called.

Am I right in saying that the phrase
"pimp my ride" means "modify my car"?

You can either go for the scotch
egg fearing guest on Trisha's show,

Rich's personal car customizer,

or David's rollercoaster savior.

Well, Trisha's thing is just madness.

If David had to go on a stag party,

he'd insist that it all got changed
and they went to Venice.

The only thing that makes me think
David might be telling the truth is that

Gareth has got the look in his eyes
for a man who hasn't, some point he's like

spin the Walser and try to chat
up before general girls.

I don't think it can be scotch egg boy.

Because he wouldn't wanna
come on national television again

to review he was scared of scotch eggs.

So, Lee, please, a decision.

- I don't know why, but I think
it's Trisha telling the truth. - No...

I do, honestly.

- Wow. - I'm gonna go for Trisha.

Lee is saying it's Trisha.

Gareth, perhaps you'd like
to reveal who you really are?

I went on Trisha to cure
my fear of scotch eggs.

I got picked on at school

because my mum was the dancer in

the titles of Tales of the Unexpected.

We can remind ourselves of
what Russell's mother look like.

So your mother was professional
dancer or actress at...

She was a professional dancer, yeah.

What were the other highlights
of your mother's dancing career?

Um...But we never really went into it.

So you've never...

You're not gonna go, age 8,

"Mum, have you done any other dancing or are you doing..."

To be fair, you might have spoken
to your mother since the age of 8

- and discussed her career then. -Yes.

Well, I...It's something we don't really...

- You don't talk about your mother's
embarrassing dancing part? - Not really.

- No. - You have never
asked, or bothered to find out

what else she did in her career of the dance?

Well, it's clearly a f*cking lie, isn't it?

But I've been...

Do I get extra points for capitulation?

I was buying it until, you know.

We brought abroad the
world's toughest lawyer.

- You know every job your parents have ever
had? - Nobody knows what their dad does.

- What are you talking about?
- Nobody knows what their dad does?!

Basically totally willing to
believe the whole Tales

of the Unexpected thing,
it was just a lot of refusal

to countenance having discussed your
mother's dancing career beyond that.

- This seems so implausible.
- Because, as we now know,

- nobody knows what their
father does. - Oh, absolutely.

You know, you have a vague
idea of what your dad does,

you don't know the nitty-gritty...
Alright, go forward your dad's jobs then,

as you know every one of them.

OK, he didn't have many. He lectured
in Hotel and Restaurant Management.

- From 1976 to about a year ago
when he retired. - You know what?

- That... - 'Cause he had one job! That's easy.

But the fact is, before that, his dad was
the dancer on the opening titles of

Tales of the Unexpected!

Right.

These are the wig and glasses I wear

if I want to pop to the shops unnoticed.

- Let's see it. Pop it on there. - Would you mind

slipping into it?

Is that the right way around?

No, it's the right way around.

And the glasses?

It's Davina.

Good grief!

I know we have to make a guess, but
I'm really liking that look, by the way.

- I think it's pretty adorable.
- I'm liking it very much.

Thanks, Michael.

- Grr. - Oh yeah yeah, with me, my
opinion is worth nothing here.

You look like Ken Barlow's
ultimate fantasy.

So, David, what are you thinking?

I think we're gonna go for a lie then.

- Lie. - Yeah, I think it's a lie.

They're all going for for a lie, suddenly. Davina,
tell us whether this is the truth or a lie.

It is...

- A lie. - That is a lie.

- But can I keep these? - Yes.

This is the coconut that nearly k*lled me.

Is this believable?

Where were you?

Under a coconut tree, where do you think?

I stood under the coconut tree.

And, well.

The coconut fell off the tree.

- Barely missing me. - And you brought it home?

Yeah.

I'm suspicious because you're
not allowed to bring

fruit and vegetables from
foreign countries into...

Well, you've made the classic
mistake, haven't you, Trisha?

Because a coconut isn't a fruit or a vegetable.

It is in fact, a seed.

It almost hit you.

It almost hit...Yeah.

It's like, went "whew", passed my
face, hit my shoulder, bounced off...

Why did you decide to keep it?

Yeah.

'Cause I thought it'd make a nice anecdote.

Clearly, I was wrong.

At the moment of shoulder pain,

the moment when your
shoulder has been bruised,

possibly shattered by the coconut,

you think, "I must keep
that for anecdotal reasons."

I don't wanna be rude, but this is a coconut.

It fell off the tree, hit me on the shoulder,

but obviously if it hit me on
the head in the right place,

I might have died.

It's not as interesting a story
as perhaps you'd think.

I might actually listen and
respond "If only it had."

I will throw this coconut
at your head now, right?

- And I will...No, hang on, I will. - No.

I will, David!

I will throw this coconut on your
head and hit you on the shoulder...

- really hard, and I guarantee... - No, thanks.

- Yeah, but if they see... - Don't push me, David!

Do not push me!

No one is insured for that to happen.

We think it's a lie.

Truth or lie?

It is in fact, a lie.

I have received fan mail
from Angus Deayton.

I'm not actually allowed to take part
in this question, unfortunately.

- 'Cause obviously I would be... -When was this?

Well, I've only very recently
become aware of this...

this fact. I can't tell you exactly when.

And how old was Angus when he wrote to you?

- Well, anything between sort of


- So this is from when... - 60?



But thank you.

Did this person, whoever
it was, tell you what the

letter said and what it
was in connection with?

Yes, it was a Capital radio show.

A friend of mine was in
the Suzi Quatro fan club.

Right? And got a letter about 4 years ago.

They used to get a newsletter every month,

with what Suzi Quatro was up to.

And he got a newsletter
for the post, and it said,

"Dear member, I'm afraid this
was the last newsletter going.

Because there's only me and you left."

Oh God!

"Lots of love, Suzi."

- I think it could be true. - There's something
about Angus which he would be interested...

- Mentor and... - I think he's a
presenter and he's looking for tips.

Look at his face.

Look at his little, tiny face.

I think it's true.

Micheal, did I or didn't I?

Believe it or not,

- it's true. - Yes.

- That is actually the only fan
letter I've ever written. - Awwww...

- You've only written one letter. - Yes.

- Who was it to? - The first and only fan letter

I've written was to Elizabeth
Taylor when I was 14.

And she was the same age.

Took a year for a response to come back.

And then I licked the
photograph's signature.

And it didn't run.

But when I met her eventually,
she came on the chat show,

- she... - You licked her and she did run.

For two weeks, I drove a car

that could only turn left.

When you say you drove for two
weeks, you mean you couldn't stop?

It just went on and on...

turning left.

- No. - Why could it only turn left?

It was hit. My wife had an accident in it.

So you couldn't turn the wheel right.

Yeah, only go left.

- Why couldn't you turn the wheel
right? - 'Cause the metal of the car.

Hang on, Michael, Michael,

don't get so technical with me.

The metal of the car, yeah?

Be more specific, what bit
of the metal of the car?

The metal bit.

So in no point in the two weeks,

you are driving, and there
was only one way to go,

- which was a sharp right. - I wouldn't have been that

because I've pre-planned my journey.

It's very frustrating.

When you've got to be there,

and you realize the only
way to get there is to go

left, left, left, left, and left again.

We all think as a team

that not only is it a lie, it's a pretty bad lie.

In fact, a lie that you should be ashamed of

and you should leave the show immediately.

It's just over there on your right,

you might have to go through
there, through there, through there...

Oh now I'm really upset!

Don't applaud that!

Well how do you like this?
It's true! Get over yourself.

That is not the truth. No way.

Right, I don't believe that.

No way in the world!
You've had a car for 2 weeks

that can't turn right. Do
I look like a simpleton?

Don't answer that!

You can not drive a car...

You'd be going round the one-way
system forever, you lunatic!

You've got to understand
the very truth they'd pick

- are the unlikely ones. - Unlik...

Right, mine go, "I used to live on the moon."

- I know, unlikely, but true!
- Do you consider that

- to be equally unlikely?! - Yes!

- Well you're an idiot! - No.

No one has ever lived on the Moon.

- No one has ever... - Cars have been damaged!

- It's so good, they put in on television!
- He's lying! I don't believe it.

There we are. It is true.

Michael did drive a car that could
only left for a whole two weeks.

Would have been less, but unfortunately the
AA sent out a van that could only turn right.

When it was eventually diagnosed,
it turned out the problem was

caused by the nut
holding the steering wheel.

Which infuriating buzzing means
at the end of tonight's program,

a glance at the score shows
that...There is no scoring,

as this is a compilation show.

So instead, I'll leave you with
the result of a recent study.

All of us lie at least twice a day.

Although the frequency
apparently increases,

if you're a man on a speed date,

who's just noticed he's still
wearing his wedding ring.

Good night.