03x09 - The Unseen Bits (Series 3)

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Tonight on the best of Would I Lie to You,

Carol Vorderman,

Janet Street-Porter,

Omid Djalili,

Russell Howard,

Ken Livingstone,

Clive Anderson,

Miranda Hart,

Reginald D. Hunter,

Terry Christian
Terry Christian,

and their team captain Lee Mack.

And facing them tonight,

Jamelia,

Stephen Mangan,

Claudia Winkleman,

Marcus Brigstocke,

Fern Britton,

Davina McCall,

Jo Brand,

and their team captain, David Mitchell.

And your host, Rob Brydon!

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie to You.

The show that rewards the ability to deceit.

Mark Twain said, if you tell the truth,

you don't have to remember what you said.

Well, Twain, I just write down my lies and keep them in a file,

then color code them so I can see who I told the lies to.

Then I have them cross referenced with another file

in case I meet someone else who might have heard the lie.

And I have the files maintained by a full time secretary in my lie library

who's on call 24 hours

in case I need a spreadsheet of the lies to be emailed over.

So to round one home truth.

Carol you're first up, please reveal all.

In Countdown, if I worked out the number puzzle before the time was up,

I used to play a little game.

That's where I've seen you before.

So David's team, what do you think?

What little game?

Well, on the numbers puzzle, you know,

you used to do that, pressed the target and the number,

And then there's a time limit.

And then there'll be 30 seconds...

You had 30 seconds to do something.

Well, most of the time I'd get the answer before the clock started,

so, I had 20 seconds.

- Before the clock started? - Yeah.

What I used to do, I used to get my pen

that I would write on the board with,

and I used to go around all the props boys,

and I used to make them tap the end of my pen,

and how many could tap the end of it my pen in thirty seconds

was the game.

So how many props guys,

props guys were required in the production of Countdown?

Well, Jo's been on Countdown a lot.

So, you know it...how we have someone like Harry or Vince or Stan who

- do the water pouring, - Carol, Carol, Carol.

- Carol, Carol, we had. - Oh yeah, had.

Tap my pen.

Was this not distracting to the poor contestants

who are trying to do some math, if out of shot.

Slightly out of shot.

Yeah, yeah.

I feel sorry for this new girl that's doing the numbers,

all the props guys must be going, "Oh, you'll have great fun in this show."

They would have said to her on the first day,

"Are we going to play touch the pen?"

And got fired for sexual harassment.

"We always played Touch the Pen with Carol."

"Well, I'm sorry, I'm just not like that!"

David, what are you and your teammates thinking?

What I doubt is whether you would be allowed

when the contestants are trying to work out the maths,

to run around the studio getting men to touch your marker pen.

So we think it's a lie.

I think we do, yeah.

What a surprise. Okay, Carol,

is it truth, or is it a lie?

It is...

True.

Brilliant, well done.

Now then.

And you know what, it actually is lots of fun.

So you seriously did this?

Do you know, when I was being really cheeky,

I'd take the top off, and then they all got dirty fingers.

I think you just like to behave outside of society's rules.

I wouldn't be surprised to find out your an enthusiastic dogger.

The D in my name stands for Delicious.

Obviously, why?

Well, it was the late 60s when I was born in 1969,

and a black man at my age around that time

have been given names like Reginald,

and Winston and Delicious, because...

because at that time in America, the Affirmative Action had just started.

So black women saw an opportunity for their children to get more jobs,

so what they did was they would give him a name

that will enable him to be recognizable,

yet dignified to potential employers.

Delicious is dignified?

Well, I mean, you have to understand how...

it's a little different in the black community than it is in your white world.

Like the name Delicious commands great respect in the ghetto.

You probably don't listen to merge rap music, do you, Fern?

There's a MC Delicious,

Big Papa Delicious.

French Golden.

And where did Reginald come from?

Reginald's a German name, it means mighty or wise power,

and Delicious means very tasty.

What was your father's name?

My father's name is Homer.

And what was his middle bit?

- He didn't have a middle name. - No.

He grew up in the thirties and forties,

and it was very tough times for black people,

and he couldn't afford a middle name.

- Do you have brothers and sisters? - I do, indeed.

And what are their names?

There's Brenda, there's Cathy,

there's Oliver, there's Scrumptious.

I don't think they would have thought that calling you Delicious

will help you get jobs.

Except, except as a food.

Well, I think, shall we say it's a lie?

I mean, that's we're...

It'll feel stupid when it's true.

- So you're saying it's a lie? - Yes.

OK, Reg is it the truth or is it a lie?

It is...

a lie.

I won a junior One Man and His Dog event

when I was fourteen.

As the shepherd or the dog?

Did you grow up in the countryside?

- Nope. - So how come you got so good at..

you know, maneuvering sheep and sheep dogs?

Oh, is that what it is? Sorry.

I thought, because this was like one man and his dog.

- Well, I was just, I was going to ask you, like, how... - What did you think it was?

- Tell us what you thought it was. - What did you think it was?

I thought it was one man and his dog, just being judged.

No, I did, sorry, I didn't know what is it.

- What it is is... - Sheep herding.

- Using a dog to... - Come by, come by?

- All that? - All that.

You've gone from novice to expert!

You have to take it over hurdles, through like different, you know,

like, round or [something].

You have to look after it, it had be well washed and everything.

That's dog agility, mate, that's not...

I'm just imagining you in Crufts stand.

"How come I [something], he's well washed."

No, I mean...

"I can't do more than washing, can I?"

So there were no sheep involved in this interpretation

of the One Man and His Dog contest that you were involved in?

No.

Sounds like you're prosecuting a Welshman.

Sorry, Rob, no disrespect.

Was it inside or outside?

Well, it was outside, funny enough.

I don't know, I've never been to one.

- You're saying it like I should know. - You've never been to one

but you "Come by, come by, come by"?

Were you very keen on dog grooming?

- You weren't. - On the Internet.

Yeah, I'm a three year old puppy as well.

No, I wasn't keen on dog grooming.

Well, how did you end up in this competition

where you have to make a dog do weird things?

- If you weren't keen on looking after dog? - I was involved in a youth club.

- All right, what was the youth club? - Was it one of them, like, you know,

for not young offenders.

But kind of.

That is outrageous!

No!

I think this is a lie.

I think it's an absolute lie, he didn't train the dog.

There was no sheep, I mean...

I also think this is a lie.

I think we're unanimous.

You're saying that it's a lie. Terry Christian.

Were you telling us the truth there, or were you telling us a lie?

Well, sorry, lads.

Oh, it's a lie.

Of course it was a lie.

The last time someone found a sheep in Manchester City Center,

the locals thought they'd captured a cloud.

Now, for David's team, take a look at this.

Right, somebody's phoned up,

- Yeah. - somebody called Dave,

asking if we've got any sales jobs going.

- Get him in. - OK.

Sometimes an individual can make the difference.

Look at Julius Caesar.

Hannibal.

Not Lecter, but Hannibal the commander.

He made a difference, didn't he?

Defeat the Romans, and he was an individual.

Well, this bloke could be the same,

and we've got to get him here.

To listen to him see what he's got to say.

- See? - OK.

You tell him it's an introductory interview.

OK, we want to find out a bit about you.

We want to find out what kind of personality you are,

- Here's his number. - what makes you tick.

Phone him up.

Hello, is that Dave?

It is, yeah.

Oh, sorry, someone's giving me a number,

but I think it's wrong one, mate.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

- You see if he wants a sales job. - No, he don't sound right.

The Armstrongs there showing the kind of decision making that

that can make the difference between failure and abject failure.

But here's the related fact for David's team.

The idea came to him after a Harvard professor...

That's a university in America, Lee.

told him about the type of questions they ask applicants

during the university admissions process.

And he decided to ignore those

and just to ask them about kettle.

No, this is one of the ones.

This is, apparently, this is one of the ones,

because it makes you think on your feet.

Well, there's almost nothing that you can't believe he'd say.

In order to try and seem in some way different or interesting.

He depresses the hell out of me.

That failed audition for the X factor still rankles...

Still rankles, yeah.

This is how Dannii Minogue got here job, isn't it?

because she really impressed him with an unusual use,

because she uses the kettle to melt down her face

and remould it every morning.

So David's team.

I think it's a lie.

Lie?

You've swayed me. It's a lie.

- We'll go with lie. - David's team is saying it's a lie.

I can tell you that it is...

A lie.

Well done.

They offered Mick Jagger,

and it seems too good an opportunity to waste.

Mick Jagger.

They offered...

It's not like doing the Ronnie Corbett,

and I'm not say for a second that it is, but it was worth a [something].

So what would Ronnie Corbett sound like

if he was singing a Mick Jagger song?

Come on. Go on there, go on.

I can't get no satisfaction.

An Australian...

It was an Australia...

Don't try and look like you weren't pleased to be asked.

David, time to make a decision.

So we're going to go with true.

You're saying it's true? All right.

Well, let me tell you this.

It is true.

Please welcome this week's special guest, Sadie.

Hello.

So Lee, what is Sadie to you?

This is Sadie. She is my children's nanny,

and the first time I met her, I ran over her foot.

OK, Omid.

This is Sadie,

and I employ her to massage my dog.

That's not an euphemism.

And finally, Janet .

Sadie came to my 60th birthday party,

pretended to be a waitress

so she could lick Daniel Craig's plate.

So there we have it. David's team.

Where do you want to start?

Can I just check?

Do you know Lee?

- Have you been to his house? - I can just about remember his name,

Well, do you know his nanny?

- No. - Okay.

Because if I knew Lee's nanny,

I'd either have gone "That's lee's nanny."

- or "That's not Lee's nanny." - Can I just point out...

She's my...Hang on, hang on!

- Maybe you know of her... - She's my children's nanny.

I'm not a complete moron!

She's not my nanny!

Now, this "running over the foot" business.

That was the first time you met her?

Correct.

And the circumstances were?

I was in the car.

And she was on the driveway.

- Correct. - What happened immediately after the foot running over moment?

Ow!

Can you roll out forward?

"Ow! That was my foot!"

Can you see she's laughing now?

As if, like, "I have to laugh, he's my employer."

But this wasn't, as it were, how you met her.

You didn't run over her foot and say,

"You look like you might be a good nanny."

It was the first time she had arrived at the house.

I hadn't met...I've never met her before.

- Just my wife... - Your wife had interviewed her.

I'll finish my own sentence.

I'm really good at it.

My wife had interviewed her, actually, you were correct.

Omid, why do you have to get your dog massage?

First of all, it's my kids' dog.

We've had the dog for about seven years.

They wanted to get a masseuse because of arthritis.

It's a spaniel. We've had it for seven years, so in dog years,

it's about 42, so it's quite early,

and I didn't want to pay for a masseuse,

Couldn't somebody else learn to massage instead?

- It's a highly skilled thing, it is. - Cause it's quite expensive.

It's about 35 pounds a session.

And how long are you going to have to do it, until the dog...

I don't, we don't know.

It may be indefinite.

You know, you can have a dog put down for 30?

Janet, can I just check...

Sadie came around to your house,

she pretended that she was a waitress,

she wanted to lick Daniel Craig's plate.

And you didn't just chuck her out and go,

"You are completely weird.

- "You're leaving." - No, don't care.

There was a lot of people at the party

and Sadie was at the party.

Daniel Craig was at the party.

Sorry, so Sadie was invited to the party?

- Yes. - The waitress act was in order to gain access to the plate?

- Yes. - I'd...

- What she did is, instead of approaching... - I didn't go through

the ins and outs of it.

- Why not?! - I was being...

Because it was my bloody birthday,

I was getting trashed.

I was having a good time at anyone here tonight would do.

Just cause you're 60, love,

doesn't mean you can't, you know, get off your trolley.

The question is, why do you think

that Sadie, instead of using her position as a party guest,

to talk to Daniel Craig, which is legitimate in a party,

I think you'll agree.

- Go on, have him. - You're really getting on my wick now.

- Do you want some? - No.

Have you met anyone famous in your career?

Really famous.

If you met Daniel Craig,

- could you actually speak? - No.

There you go.

She's right.

Are you going to walk over

and stand there in answer to every question?

We're all a bit scared now.

No, hey, I'm most scared because I'm closest.

All right, we need an answer.

So David's team, is Sadie

a nanny whose foot Lee ran over,

a plate-licking pretend waitress at Janet's party?

Janet absolutely did.

Couldn't look at Sadie when she walked in, and I thought maybe

that was because she really had licked embarrassingly.

Just an odd thing. I mean...

I'm leaning, I think it's Omid or Janet,

and I'm leaning towards Janet.

- on this one. - Right, I'm going Janet.

- Okay, well, let's go Janet. - You're saying Janet.

OK, Sadie, would you like to reveal your true identity?

Yes, I posed a waitress.

Yes, I cleared Daniel Craig's plate away.

And yes, I licked it clean.

As a child at my grandparents' house,

I had a little bell that I would ring if I wanted anything.

- Only at your grandparents house? - Yes.

Not at home?

- No. - Because your parents did play that sh*t.

At home, you just sort of went...

What years are we talking about here, how old were you?

- About six. - What were the things you wanted when you rang the bell?

More chips.

A glass of orange squash.

Sense of purpose in life.

Are you asking us to believe you had orange squash

rather than servants pressing fresh orange juice for you?

In many ways, the level of my poshness has been exaggerated.

- What I am... - Welcome to my world, sonny.

What, the level of your poshness has been exaggerated?

So Lee's team, what do you think?

We'll say that that's true.

You're saying it's true, David, is it true?

- Or is it a lie? - Well, it is, in fact,

true.

Yes, it's true.

As a child, David's grandparent's house did have a little bell

that he would ring if he wanted anything.

Ding-a-ling.

Could I have a posher upbringing, please?

If you give me any date before the year 2000,

I can instantly tell you what day of the week it was.

Bollocks.

Is this something you learn,

or is this a kind of Rain Man type thing?

No, no, well, I had to learn.

You learned how to do it?

Learned the system.

What's the system?

The system is what you do is you actually just learn

one...

- One... - You sat there, trying to think of a system.

And what you're plumping for is

"You actually just learn what day of the week every day is."

I can't go back to like, 14 BC, alright?

But I can do it rather about the sort of 1920s and 1930s.

And what you do is you learn a midway.

So you learn the 19...you learn one particular pinpoint in 1955,

three months in 1955.

You learn it off by heart those 90 days.

And then there's a calculation that you can do

- to plus them... - What's that calculation?

Take a day, one of them in your expert period,

- around Suez, or whenever it was. - Yes.

You have to give me the exact year,

- otherwise it will be too difficult. - I don't mind.

Right, the 14th of May, 1955.

Hang on.

- Tuesday. - Tuesday.

- Right. - Tuesday.

And so how do you extrapolate from your knowledge of that

to go back to the 1920s

to the 23rd of June, 1927?

- Simple. - Yep.

It's seven.

Hang on, to the power of two.

Then you take away 10 percent,

- unless it's a leap year. - And is it a leap year, 1955?

Of course not, you idiot.

- It was 54. - No, of course.

This one here.

Did you hear that? "Is 55 a leap year?"

What an absolute [something]!

Did you hear that?

What an idiot!

Honestly, and he's Oxbridge educated!

Neither year is a leap year.

Seven to the power of two.

- Seven to the power of two is 49. - 49.

- Minus 10%, it's 4.9. - 10%.

So you got 44.1.

Correct.

- I was gonna say that... - What's that?

That's not a day of the week.

- That's 44.1! - I haven't done it yet!

- It is...Then you... - It's 44.1,

- say Thursday. - round it up or round it down.

Which is 44, key of the door, 21.

Two and one is three.

Sunday is the first day, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.

So David...

Lie.

You're saying it's a lie, OK,

Lee, are you telling a lie?

Of course I'm telling a lie.

I have told my children that every time they lie,

a puppy dies somewhere.

Now you've used this line on the children,

has it actually stop them from lying?

Well, it certainly seems to have done.

- Yeah? - Because they do care about puppies.

Yes.

That's a bit of relief actually,

that you're saying that didn't result in

your children telling loads and loads of lies

and getting excited by the prospect of puppy death.

It's heartening on that level.

- No, but... - I don't have sadistic children.

But it's also bad advice.

What if the dog goes to attack them,

and they tell a lie,

and the dog still gets them.

- Actually... - That's the nearest...

puppy, you'd think.

The nearest dog will die.

- So you just... - You know...

- Statistically, you'd hope, - Yeah.

via [something], the lie will k*ll.

Essentially, you tell a lie, dog death spreads out from you,

till it finds a dog, the dog dies,

and then the wave of dog death stops.

Can I just ask, Jo, why a puppy and not a kitten?

She's not sick.

It was a difficult decision to make.

It was a toss up between a kitten, a puppy,

and their dad.

And the puppies are the sweetest.

What is your verdict?

My team say, true.

You're saying true, yeah?

Okay, so Jo, is it true?

It's a lie.

- Oh, possession. - Ah, now.

There's a box just behind the stage there, Claudia,

- if you'd like to get the box, - Hold on, bear with me.

take out its contents.

OK. In here is my pet cat,

from when I was little.

And my dad had her stuffed for me when she died.

Here she is.

Well, just pop her on the desk there, Claudia.

Was she run over?

This is Coffee.

- Coffee. - Coffee.

And she was my most loved, loved pet,

and she died when I was 14, I could even get upset about it now.

- And... - How did you...

Go on then.

Get upset.

- Did you want... - But you're happy to exploit her

on a light entertainment panel show?

Did you want your father to stuff your cat?

- No. I was so devastated - When did it died?

I was so upset that she died

my dad, as a present,

gave her to me, all stuffed.

And she came to my wedding.

Sorry, sorry. Came to your wedding?

I think, Lee, not of her own accord.

Was she a pride's maid and came down on a trolley down the aisle?

I just don't believe, Claudia, even in Claudia's world...

Which I, which I love.

I love your world.

However, this is a step too far.

I just don't believe...

- Well, that's ... - That's pretty convincing.

It's talking to her now!

Time now for Lee to make a decision.

She looks like a very lovely but slightly unstable woman.

And I'm going to say that that's true.

Saying it's true. Okay, Claudia Winkleman.

Is it true, or is it a lie?

It is indeed...

a lie.

I hate cats!

It's a lie.

I have made a CD of the sound of my kettle boiling,

and I play it every night to help me get to sleep.

Lee's team. is that possible?

Why would that help you get to sleep?

It reminds me of my grandmother,

because we were always caravaning when she was, when I was little,

and she'd be up all later than me,

and the kettle would be just boiling on the gas stove,

and I could hear that little hiss and whistle in the bubbles,

I had it done for me by the sound people at work.

- Really? - You're absolute, like...

You're trying to tell us, all I'm picturing is a man now,

with these big things on, going like that.

- Yes. - Five, four...

Yes.

- I don't know how they did it. - You're lying in bed.

Your husband's trying to get to sleep.

And you put the sounds of a kettle boiling.

- And he's all right with that, is he? - I go to bed earlier than he does,

because I have to get up at five.

- Right. - To switch the kettle off.

Have you tried sex to get to sleep?

Have I...Pardon?

Have you tried sex to get to sleep?

Yeah, because Ken's got a good technique if you want to try.

What do your kids say about this CD?

They think it weird?

No, they put up with it.

Oh, you're lying now.

Kids think everything is weird.

No.

If I'm really, really tired, I'll go upstairs,

and they will already have put a hot water bottle in the bed,

and they tape the CD on the thing.

Oh, goodness, you just up the scale.

So Lee, what are you going to say?

We'll say it's a lie.

You're going to say it's a lie?

Okay, Fern, reveal all.

It's...

a lie.

Yes, it is a lie.

If Fern can't get to sleep,

she just rings Phillip Schofield

and asks him to tell her about his time in Joseph again.

Oh, that noise signals time's up.

It's the end of the show.

And my individual liar of the week this week

Fern Britton
it's Fern Britton!

Yes.

Fern Britton.

Whose gigantic whoppers were as beautifully showcase tonight

as they were on her 2003 pilates video.

Good night.