04x01 - One Year Later...

[bunniefuu]

[♪ Grog sings "The Legend of Grog Machina
[f*ck sh*t Up]"]

[faint, excited chatter]

♪ Well, started out
smashin' dem Briarwoods ♪

♪ I think they were werewolves
or mummies ♪

♪ We punched the Chroma Conclave
in da face ♪

♪ There were like 15 of those dummies ♪

♪ And it was me and Pike but mostly me ♪

♪ We spilled blood like damn heroes ♪

♪ We saved the realm
a whole buncha times ♪

♪ cuz now Tal'Dorei knows
we f*ck sh*t up ♪

♪ Vox Machina, it's what we do ♪

♪ f*ck sh*t up ♪

♪ Cuz everyone loves us to ♪

- ♪ Now Percy and Vex are royals in Emon ♪
- They're in Whitestone.

- ♪ Kiki and Vax are on her Jar 'O Money ♪
- Aramenté.

♪ Scanlan and Kaylie are definitely dead ♪

- We just haven't heard from them.
- ♪ But me and Pike are ready for a melee ♪

♪ cuz ♪

- [Pike] Everybody!
- ♪ we f*ck sh*t up ♪

- ♪ f*cking sh*t up is what we do ♪
- ♪ f*ck sh*t up ♪

- ♪ Yeah, all the ladies love me, too ♪
- ♪ f*ck sh*t up ♪

♪ Even when Pike is feeling kind of blue ♪

- ♪ f*ck sh*t up ♪
- ♪ If you don't believe me, then ♪

♪ f*ck you ♪

[cheering]

Oh, man. Dis singing thing is way easier
than Scanlan let on.

- Wow! You're Grog.
- [rousing tavern music playing]

[gasps] Big fan since forever.

- Sign my stein?
- [annoyed groan]

Oh, anything for m'fans. [clears throat]

[sounding out slowly] "Grog."

- There.
- [grunts]

[patron] Oh, uh...

Maybe the rest
of Vox Machina can sign, too!

My kids love Vax.

Yeah, ya see, um, we haven't,
like, uh, talked in a bit.

[slurred] I'm all the Vox Machina
you need!

You want to make out with a legend?

[gasping]

- [burps]
- [groans in disgust]

[coughing, gagging]

[music stops]

Another round of drinks, on us,
the gods-damns heroes of Tal'Dorei!

[cheering, whooping]

Uh, Pikey... [chuckles]
don't get me wrong.

I mean, I love drinkin' with you,

but I kind of been itchin' for a fight.

It feels like days
since I got to punch that dragon.

It's been a year.

Oh, well, maybe the team

- wants to f*ck sh*t up again, huh?
- [bottle shatters]

- Oh, we could go see 'em and--
- Nah.

Those guys are perfectly happy without us.

'Kay. Then maybe we ask the Everlight?

I don't need to consult the Everlight
for every little thing.

If there's one thing
I don't want right now, it's--

Adventure!

[distorted groaning]

[yells]

[dramatic music playing]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[somber music playing]

[soft whirring]

[buzzing]

[electrical crackling]

[crackling intensifies]

Bollocks.

[alarm rings]

Bollocks!

Where the hells is he?

- Ma'am. It's time.
- [sighs]

Fine. If I must, I'll face them alone.

Open the doors.

- [indistinct chatter]
- [elegant music playing]

[Pale Guard] Presenting your hosts for the
Chamber of Whitestone Commemorative Ball,

Mistress of the Grey Hunt,
Lady Vex'ahlia Vessar!

[applause]

- [panting]
- [Pale Guard] Accompanied by

Lord Percival Fredrickstein von Musel
Klossowski de Rolo III!

- [clears throat]
- [applause, whooping]

[tango music playing]

Cutting it close, Percy.

Apologies, my love.

It's just that nothing's
working down there.

Give a lady a chance, darling.

Oh, you mean the Orb. Boo.

Delilah Briarwood turned it on,
and I can't turn it off.

I've tried fire, electricity, magnetics.

All I know is that it negates magic.

Look, I get it.

A spinning death sphere
is quite the distraction.

Though I can think of a better one.

Speaking of distractions, all this posh
nonsense must drive you mad.

When you made me a noble, I didn't expect
so many fuddy-duddies around all the time.

And though I do enjoy ba*ls,

three per week is a lot.

Percival, my boy.

When are you going to make
an honest woman of her?

When you do the same
for one of your mistresses, Lord Mercer.

Canapé?

I do hope having a gilded roof
over your head hasn't been all terrible.

Of course not, darling.

I love you and the life
we've made together.

But I do sometimes miss the old days.

With Vox. And Vax.

We should invite your brother over.

We could throw a-- Ah!

[guests gasp]

Say "ball" and I drop you.

- [Percy sighs]
- [cheering and applause]

[music ends]

I just wish there was a way
to shake up our royal routine.

- Something like--
- Canapé?

- Yes, that's it. A canapé.
- [elegant music playing]

[sighs]

How about this?

Why don't I tell Cassandra
I'm not feeling well,

and we can retire with a bottle of wine

and absolutely nothing else?

Seems I've made a dishonest man of you.

[chuckles softly]

See you in the bedroom.

[swallows]

The entire hunt, ruined.
Our horses were terrified!

A giant panther, near Whitestone?

The earl said it radiated darkness
as if made of shadow.

Something must be done.

Indeed. Something must be done.

- [screams]
- [pained groaning]

What the f*ck, mate?

Fun, fun, fun!

Who the hell are you?

- Oi! Maxi pads!
- 'Tis I, Taryon Darrington! Ha-ha!

Buckler of swash, deviler of dares,
soon to be author.

And?

And I've recently set forth
from Wildemount

to make my name as a hero...

[grunts fiercely]

...like the valiant members
of Vox Ma-sheen-ah.

- Machina.
- [yells fiercely]

Watch your back!

[grunting]

Ooh, sublime fisticuffs.

So I combed through my adventure novels
and compiled a list of heroic deeds.

I've already crossed off
"make a dramatic entrance,"

"start a tavern brawl" and my favorite,

"defenestration--"
get this-- all before lunch.

Ha! Nothing like deep penetration
before lunch.

- What's next on your list thingy?
- [pained groaning]

Ah, glad you asked, Jumbo.

I'm here to defend my family's honor
from a band of baneful brigands.

And I'll need the two of you.

Uh, okay. We're a little
out of your league, golden boy.

Ah-ah-ah. Take heed, heroes.

For when adventure sings
her siren song, the refrain is

Taryon Darrington!

- Okay.
- Uh, what?

What if I told you I was
excessively wealthy?

Behold!

[Grog gasps] Oh, man.

Wow!

- Ugh.
- [Taryon] Oh!

Oh, he said "dangerous"!
Oh, I been dyin' for danger.

Eh.

And you been actin' kinda funny lately.

I don't know, maybe a good old-fashioned
fight with the forces of evil

- will give you somethin' to believe in?
- [pained yelp]

Buddies, I appreciate your concern,
but look at that as*h*le.

[groans] Ha! Excellent.

Whoa!

How evil a force
can this entitled himbo be facing?

- [door creaks open]
- [footsteps stomping]

[suspenseful music playing]

[Doty] Tary.

Oh-h*! f*ck yeah!

[snoring]

Well, typically at this point, we're
tearing clothes off, not putting more on.

If there's a monstrous beast
in the woods outside Whitestone,

the Mistress of the Grey Hunt needs
to take care of it, right?

I mean, technically the title's been
ceremonial for generations.

That's only because you haven't had
a skilled hunter in the role.

True. [sighs]

A giant panther? Really?

The earl probably saw a wolf
and pissed himself.

Well, if it's nothing, I'll come home.

But if it is...

Percy...

I appreciate our comfortable life,

but sometimes you have to push yourself
out of your comfort zone.

I need this.
To prove to myself I still can.

I assume you'd prefer I not accompany you.

No, no, no. While I'm off, you can spend
the whole night doing research.

Oh, and do take a magic lantern, darling.

It's so dim down there, we don't need
your spectacles getting any thicker.

Only if you take this.

- It's dragonscale.
- [gasps]

Cut from the hide of Vorugal.

I had a feeling your primal instincts
would one day return.

Primal, huh?

Oh, Percy.

[chuckles] Mm.

- [chuckles]
- [glass shatters]

My love, what about your hunt?

Sundown's not for another hour.

[moaning]

[snorts]

[roars]

[yells fiercely]

- [Doty] Tary.
- [grunts]

No, no! What are you doing?

- What I was born to. [yells]
- [Doty] Tary.

Cease at once!

This is no mechanized miscreant.
It's Doty!

Did you say Doodie?

Yes. My clockwork companion
and personal biographer

who records all of my daring exploits.

Observe.

Doty, take this down.

Though we had only just met,
the two members of Vox Machina,

- Jumbo and Lady Everlight...
- We have names.

...were chomping at the bit
for our first mission.

- What happened next?
- What mission?

We-we didn't agree to any--

My father, Howaardt Darrington,
owns an incredibly profitable gem concern,

but his deliveries have been recently
ransacked along the trade routes,

- so I--
- Taryon Darrington?

Yes, shall protect his shipment,
defeat the brigands

and expose their nefarious network.

- [Doty] Tary.
- [chuckles]

That's the only word he can speak.

[excited panting] Pikey, please?

Money and fighting?

Ugh, why not? This can't get any dumber.

[Taryon] Oh, brigands!

I pray there are no ruffians about.

- [money jingles]
- Oh, I hope we aren't waylaid by bandits.

Our cargo is so precious.

It got dumber.

[sobs quietly]

Whoa. What happened there?

[Pike] The Chroma Conclave happened.

And we weren't fast enough to stop it.

Um, are you okay?

I don't know, buddies.

I mean, sure we beat the bad guys,
but... so many suffered.

And now the rest of the team moved on
with their lives like nothing happened.

Well, I'm still here.

I know, but... it's like we're stuck.

Or I'm stuck. And-and I don't know
how to get unstuck.

Well, there's a simple solution
to most problems.

I'm not reaching out to the Everlight.

Hey, hey. I was gonna say
most problems can be solved by punching.

And when they can't?

You kick.

[Taryon] Where are my weapons?

- I haven't any.
- [carriage rattling]

- [grunts] Hey.
- [Grog grunts]

- [Tayron] Whoa. Whoa there!
- [Doty] Tary.

There, in the road ahead,
state your business!

What is going on, Tary?

A real live robbery, I hope.

[gasps] Great. Let us out.

No, no, this is my chance.

[tense, dramatic music playing]

Fear not, I shall conceal us with smoke.

No, no, no, wait till we're out of the--

[all coughing]

[Pike] Why?

- [Taryon] En garde!
- [Pike] Ow! That was me, you idiot.

[Tayron] Oh. Terribly sorry. [chuckles]

Let me... clear the air.

- That's her?
- That's her.

Aw, she's so small.

Smaller still once I cut her down to s--

Ow! No!

Ow! Why?

Finally, a fight!

[grunting fiercely]

[groans]

[strained grunting]

Uh, could maybe use some help, Pikey.

[yells fiercely, groans]

Doty, take this down.

But stand in front of me while you do it.

[grunting]

[Grog yells]

- [Pike grunts]
- [Grog groans]

[Grog] Told you kicking worked.

[gasps]

Egads! My family jewels!

Wait, why didn't you use a decoy?

Because a Darrington is always authentic.

[exasperated groan]

- [insects chirring]
- [distant birdcalls]

[hopeful music playing]

Keep up, Trinket.

A year of canapés has
made you soft. [chuckles]

[growls softly]

[Trinket growls]

[gasps]

[quiet, tense music playing]

[pants] What'd you find?

[sniffs, growls softly]

No panther did this.

[Trinket growls]

Good work, Trinket. Extra treats tonight.

Tracks appear mammalian but also avian.

Like it's two creatures in one.

[animal bleating in distance]

[strained grunting]

[Percy] Right. Let's see
what twice the power does.

[buzzing]

[metal clanking rhythmically]

[electrical crackling]

Oh, f*ck you.

[frustrated sigh]

[grunts]

How do you work
these blasted things again?

[whirring]

[yells, grunts]

[steam hissing]

A reading.

What's changed?

[mysterious music playing]

[soft buzzing]

[animal bleating nearby]

[animal bleats]

[grunts]

[bleating continues]

Poor thing. Was that your mother?

Easy.

- You're going to be fine.
- [quiet growling]

- [dramatic music playing]
- [deer screeching]

[gasps]

[roaring]

[growling]

[screeching]

[snarling]

[twig snaps]

- [Gloomstalker squeals]
- [grunts]

[intense music playing]

Fenthras. [grunts]

- [panting]
- [Gloomstalker snarling]

[grunts]

[screeches]

Ugh, I'm too run to drunk this fast.

Moneybags, use one of your...
your dumbass gems!

Ah! Capital idea. But which one?

The Amethyst of Flight to soar overhead?

Oh, oh, the Sapphire of Sight
to predict her next move?

Whatever. [fierce grunt]

[whirring]

- [expl*sive rumbling]
- [yells]

[grunts]

Ha-ha! Sunder Stone. Well chosen.

- What the...
- [pained groaning]

Pike!

[panting]

No way out, lady.

This has been way more trouble
than it's worth,

so just give back the idiot's gemsack
and we'll drop the whole--

- [snarls]
- Whoa! What the f*ck?

Please don't!

Just, stop it. You're...

You're gonna k*ll yourself!

My child. Is something troubling you?

Priestess Talia?

Hello, Pike.

[grunting]

What?

[Gloomstalker growling]

- [snarling]
- [pained grunting]

[grunts]

Damn it.

[shrieks]

[grunts] What the hells is that thing?

[shrieks]

[yells] No! Trinket!

[panting]

- Mm.
- [Gloomstalker snarls nearby]

sh*t.

[soft buzzing]

[machinery buzzing and clanking]

[mysterious music playing]

Time to venture outside
your comfort zone, de Rolo.

[tense, dramatic music playing]

[grunts] Wait!

Come back!

Stop!

Gotcha.

- [groans]
- [bones snapping]

[Grog] How's that feel?

That's Priestess Talia. Don't hurt her.

Oh. I, um...

[mysterious music playing]

Um... friends?

[yelps]

[Pike] Priestess!

[Doty] Tary.

[Pike] Just stop!

Let's just...
Let's just calm down and talk.

Whatever's wrong, I can help.

Like you helped this town?

Or those who died on your watch?

What?
[stammers] The path of the Everlight--

The Everlight lied to you, Trickfoot.

The gods deceive all.

Doty, take this down.

Especially this sanctimonious raven b*tch.

But a new day is coming.

And the old order will crumble.

Sunder Stones!

- Run!
- [grunts]

[expl*sive rumbling]

[tense music playing]

[snarling]

- [grunts]
- [shrieks]

[grunts]

[roaring]

Trinket, now!

[growling]

[shrieking]

[triumphant music playing]

[yells]

[pained shrieking]

[exhausted panting]

I don't suppose you want to dig around
its stomach for my bow, buddy?

[huffs]

[sighs]

I don't blame you.

[mysterious music playing]

[soft buzzing]

All right, you whirling nightmare,
tell me what you are.

[whirring intensifies]

It's not anti-magic.

It's consuming magic.

[whooshing]

[grunts]

[straining]

[fierce grunting]

I will never complain about canapés again.

- [snarling]
- [screaming]

[tense, dramatic music playing]

[straining]

[high-pitched hissing]

[both screaming]

[grunts]

- [panting]
- [Gloomstalker snarling, screeching]

[grunts]

[straining]

[grunts]

[soft buzzing]

- [soft buzzing continues]
- [Vex and Percy groan]

[both] What. The. f*ck?

[grunting]

[whirring]

Thanks, buddies.

[quiet, tense music playing]

No.

Maybe she's okay?

[Pike panting]

[Pike] I don't think anything is okay.

We need to head to the Everlight Temple.

[Grog] Oh, I thought you didn't consult
the Everlight on every little thing.

[Pike] I got a feeling this is big.

[gasps] More adventure? I'll go with you.

- "Solve a mystery" is on my list.
- No!

[gasps]

[whimpering]

[Doty] Tary.

- [Grog groans]
- What?

[Pike groans]

Look, Taryon, was it?

I don't know if we are your speed,

but if you're still hot to trot,

I think I know the members
of Vox Machina you want.

How do you feel about fancy palaces?

Ooh!

Taryvan, away!

- [Doty] Tary!
- Buh-bye!

Ah, yeah. Bet we'll never see him again.

[rumbling]

[tense music playing]

♪ ♪

[labored breathing]

[leader] Calm, child.

There is nothing to fear
if you answer true.

Are you prepared to see for him?

[follower] I am.

[leader] To fight for him?

[follower] I am.

[leader] To die for him?

I am. For we are his blood.

[groaning]

[gagging]

[cultists] We are his blood.

We are his blood.

We are his blood.

- We are his blood.
- [groaning]

We are his blood.

- We are his blood.
- [yelling]

We are his blood.

We are his blood.

We are his blood.

["The Legend of Grog Machina" playing]

♪ ♪

Chirp.