05x02 - The Changing of the Guard

[bunniefuu]

Tonight for yourviewing pleasure,

Two rockers lock and load,

Two men who want moore,

And two godfathersask "who's your daddy"

And it all begins right here,

Right now, oncelebrity death match.

Good evening everyone,

I'm johnny gomez herewith nick diamond.

Nick it's out with the old

And in with the new.

Or is it?

That's the question johnny!

It's theme night tonight hereat celebrity death match.

Three chances for anew kid on the block

To come out on top.

Or for an old dog to teach

A young dog who's the boss.

Three titanicstruggles we call...

The changing of the guard.

Well, suddenly these hats

Make all the sensein the world.

In our first fight,

A young g*n triesto take the torch

From a living legend

As chris martin of coldplay

Goes bars with u's bono

Next it's bruce willisgoing head to head

With punky ashton kutcher

To win back demi moore,

Or to die hard trying.

And finally, inour main event,

Robert denirodefends his turf

Against up and comingjames gandolfini

To see which has thegoodfella goods.

What a night of action.

I'm weeping tears ofjoy already johnny.

We begin with a fight,

The very concept ofwhich is shocking.

Right you are johnny.

Its coldplay croonerchris martin

Taking on u's oneand only bono.

But why would peaceloving activist bono

Agree to such a battle?

It's the question that's been

Keeping me up at night nick.

And the question that's been

Making me need to urinate

Every hour on the hour.

And to get the answer

We go down to tally wong.

I swear johnny,

You could setyour clock by it.

Nick, johnny...

It is indeed thequestion of the hour.

Why fight?

Everyone is wonderingabout bono's motives.

He is, after all,

The social consciousnessfor an entire generation;

A man who loathes violence,

And what with live aid,

Net aid and band aid,

A man whose name has becomesynonymous with A*DS.

Nick, johnny, back to you.

It appears bono

And martin have madetheir way into the ring.

Let's go to mills lane.

Okay, you two.

This ain't some rock androll hootenany hug fest,

This is death match,and that means--

I hate to interruptyou mr. Lane,

Because I have thedeepest respect

And admiration for my elders,

But I have anannouncement to make.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Chris and I aren'tactually here

To fight one another.

We're here to work together

And help stop the blood shed.

The senselesskilling has gone on

Far too long.

You mean you're not fighting?

No, bono and iare going to

Hold a concertright here, right now,

To raise enough moneyto buy this station

And shut this show down.

So call in withyour pledges people

And help end the madness.

We don't haveany phone lines.

Well then we'lljust wait for people

To mail in checksin won't we?

Or they can bring thecash down in person.

Either way it means

Hundreds of morehours of us singing.

Two things: I neverwished more than now

That I'd been born deaf

And secondly,who's going to sing first?

Oh, well, I have more grammys

So I guess I will,

And in the spiritof hope and faith

We'd like to singfor the people,

A song about dr.martin luther king...

Pride!

Hold on,

I thought in the spirit

Of hope and faith,

I thought we weregonna sing my song,

Green eyes,

And well you mayhave more grammys now

But after allis said is done,

We'll have like,twice as many as you.

I can hardly seehow that's possible

When you have sucha whiney voice.

Well, pretty bitter words

From a guy whose heyday came

And went years ago.

You calling meband irrelevant?

We're more...

Go back to theold folks' home

Why don't you?we're taking over.

I'll take you down, punk!

Bring on youfreaking dinosaur.

There's a rush ofblood to your head.

Right, let's see how you do

With under a blood red eye...

I knew you'd come around...

Let's get it on!

Well nick, looks like

We're going to getour fight after all.

Never underestimate

A musician's ego, johnny.

Remember it's thedestructive force

Behind lil bowwow,

My chemical romance

And those damnbeethoven sonatas.

I'm gonna show you

How to dismantlean atomic bum!

[Crowd roaring]

Hey look at that.

Look how the starsshine for you.

What stars?

[Crowd roaring]

Those stars.

Look, a rwandan refugee...

Where...?

[Sound of fighting]

Ach-tongue, baby!

I'm gonna makeyou pay for that.

Oh no you're not.

I'm giving you thisarse-kicking pro bono.

Looks like bono is attacking

With unforgettable ire, nick.

And martin defends himselfwith an unforgettable tire.

And now bono isaiming to use

What will surely be

An unforgettable fryer!

It would take a miracle

To save chris martin now.

[Crowd roaring]

Hold on, what's this?

It's that strangemasked man johnny.

He's back, and justas mad as ever.

Will we ever learnwho this man is nick?

I don't know johnny,

But I do know this,he is bad.

He's more than bad nick,

He's positively dangerous.

Why is this guy so angry?

What issues canhe possibly have

To fuel such rage?

Questions for the ages nick.

I don't see any way

Bono can get outof this alive.

[Squeal]

I can't believe this!

Bono has completely forgotten

About chris martin

And is now goingafter the masked man.

[Squeaking sound]

He's gone.

The masked man has fled.

We can only hopesecurity catches him.

No chance johnny.

That guy just disappeared

Faster than the baha men,

But the good news is

Chris martin has recovered

And is on the attack.

Got you now youfly eyed freak.

Fifty million ethiopians

Have no shoes buti can fix that

And you're gonna givethe first donation.

You took me wholebleedin' foot...

Seventy-six albanianshave no feet,

But we can fix that.

I'm calling on all ofyou out there to please,

Donate your spare feet

And help end footlessness!

Give me back my foot,

Or I'm telling gweneth!...

One hundred and fiftymillion cambodians

Have no movie star...

Wife!

[Scream]gweneth!!

Johnny this fightis getting uglier

Than bono's rooster hair cut

From the eighties.

I can save the worldbut I need your help.

We must rid theworld of arms!

[Scream]

You must blindyourself to hatred...

[Scream]

You can do it if youlook into your heart...

[Crowd roaring]

We got us a winner.

Sonny bono!

An outstanding win for bono.

I don't think that...

Well nick,

The network sayslose the hats.

We're not getting

Any comedy out of them.

No arguments here.

Ow, ow, ow...

Welcome back tocelebrity death match.

It's the changingof the guard;

Three thunderousdramatic throw downs.

Next up is bruce willis

Versus ashton kutcher.

It breaks my heart johnny.

Ever since demi split

He's tried to fill the void

By playing blues harmonica,

Going bald,

And buying smalltowns in idaho.

But that's nosubstitute for a woman.

No it isn't nick,

So tonight one ofthem is going to die.

Sex doesn't get moreexciting than that.

Tally wong is standing by

On the red carpet

To welcome bruceto the arena.

Let's go there now.

Johnny, nick,

I'm here talkingwith bruce willis.

Bruce, it's a pleasure.

Thank you it's nice to...

Once the hottest alist star in hollywood,

He is a man whose career has

Ever since his divorce,

Declined precipitously.

Oh I'm still doing pretty--

Starring in suchmovies as the kid,

Hart's w*r,

Grand champion, true west

And tears of the sun...

Geez, when you stringem all together

I guess they do sound...

He is the man who has gone

From playing tragic,broken characters

Desperately tryingto recapture

Their fading glory,

To being a tragic,broken character

Desperately trying torecapture his fading glory.

God I need her back...

Can this middle-aged,

Pathetic shell of a man

Possibly defeata young, strong,

Virile and oh so totallygorgeous haired stud,

Known as ashton kutcher?

Demi! Demi, I need you...

In the opinionof this reporter,

Absolutely not.

Demi I love you,

I'm nothing without you,i'm nothing...

Back to you guys.

Thanks for that report tally.

And for a specialtreat for our fans

We secretlyinstalled a camera

In the green room to see how

Ashton kutcher ispreparing for the fight.

Secret camera?

Just like thathidden camera show

That's so popular withthe kids these days...

Candid camera.

Milf, milf, milf, milf!

Ashton honey,

It's time for yourfightsy-witesy.

Did you make me a snack?

Here you go honey.

Did you writeme a note today?

It's in with your pb&j,

My little boy-toy.

Yeah!

Can I play with them?

You go win for mommy

And you can play withthem all you want.

Yeah!!

Well there's atape that should

Take some pressure offcolin farrell.

Okay you two,

Nothing's more powerful

Than the love for a woman.

So like the poetlongfellow said,

Let's get it on!

Well, well, well,

If it isn't the super-coolashton kutcher.

Wow!

You think I'm super-cool?

That's awesome.

Geez, you are a moron.

Wow!

You think I'm a moron?

That's awesome.

Okay kutcher,get ready to die...

Hard.

Bring it on pops,

Cause you know what isee when I look at you?

I see dead people... Person...

What an idiot.

Willis launches awithering attack.

My goodness johnny

I haven't seen angeras pure as this

Since I ran into a crowd

Coming out of hudson hawk.

He's taking morehits down there than...

Nice segue dot com.

I loved this woman.

She had my children.

What could sheprobably mean to you?

She's my wife.

She's my mother.

She's my wife.

She's my mother

And my wife.

Dude, where's my bar.

[Sound of hitting]

What kind of aniowa born farm boy

Has a name likeashton anyway.

Big deal, so I usemy middle name,

But I guess you would know

Something about that,

Wouldn't you walter.

Nobody calls me walter.

And kutcher is down.

This fight is goingall willis' way.

I bet he wished hehad this much control

Over the whole ten yards.

Why did she do this to me?

Look at how miserable I am.

I want my old life back.

Why does she want youinstead of me?!

Are you kidding me,

Look at this hair,

This smile,

This underwearmodel physique...

But I'm a real man,

I'm much handsomer than you.

Are you kidding?

Look at me,

I can get any womanin hollywood I want.

I could dump demi

And have a datethe same night.

Pal, you just madea big mistake.

A date the same night?

I didn't mean it.

A date the same night?

I didn't...

Shut up ashton.

Yes mommy.

You tell him, honey.

You shut up too walter.

Yes dear.

You've been bad.

Do you hear me,

You've been very,

Very bad.

Nick, this fight justtook a stranger turn

That ricky williams' career.

Now that's strange.

You're going home right now

And we're going tohave a time-out.

Demi I want you back.

Shut up walter.

Yes dear.

Mommy's prettywhen she's angry.

Tell me about it skipper.

That's the kindof sugar me likey.

Yeah!

Ah, sweet.

Now you and me canget back together.

Well, I don't know ifi like the way this...

I'll allow it.

The winner is g.i. Jane.

Outstanding!

Hell hath no scorn eh nick.

Eh, nick indeed johnny.

Don't go away

Because we havemore celebrities

And more deathcoming your way,

Right after this.

We're back

And just moments away

From the celebritydeath match main event.

Nick, two words...

Robert de niro andjames gandolfini.

Brother you said a mouthful.

It doesn't getmore high powered

Than these two.

And although both these men

Are well know for theiriconic portrayals

Of mafia members,

We should point out

That this deathmatch is in no way

A reflection of or comment

Upon the wonderful

Italian americancommunity in general.

Absolutely not johnny.

It's a shame an entire people

Can be tarnishedby the actions

Of a tiny, tiny few.

Let's get down to the ring.

In the red corner,

A man who oncegained pounds

To play the partof jake lamada

And never botheredto lose it...

Mr. Robert de niro.

And in the blue corner,

A man who gained pounds

For no reason whatsoever,

James gandolfini.

But what is thisfight all about,

You're asking?

Earlier our veryown tally wong

Had a chance to talkwith these two men.

It's nothing personal

But de niro's time is passed.

I'm the new italian stallion.

You want a mafiadon for your movie,

From now on you come to me.

You? They come to you?

I was playing these parts

When you werecrapping canoli

In your diapers pal.

I'm the icon

And I'm gonna stay the icon.

Well, this is turning out

To be quite thepissing contest.

Think you can make it

From a foot further, old man.

Watch and learn punk.

Before I go, can I getboth your autographs?

I meant in pen.

Hey, I'm a man.

I'll admit it.

You were once a great actor...

Now look what you've become.

You call meet thefockers a movie?

There was one jokebeaten to f---in' death.

Oh, like thesopranos is so great.

It's turned intoseinfield.

Nothing ever happens.

All right you two,

Cut the raging bull crap,

I want a goodclean fight and...

Oh, who am I kidding?

Let's get it on!!

There's the bell,

And away we go.

Keep it up wise guy.

I'm gonna teach youa little respect.

Save it for yourshrink you wuss.

Hey at least myshrink has a nice rack...

You lie around all day

Talking to billy crystal.

Okay, that's it!

I want you dead,

Your family, dead,

Those damn ducks, dead

And that big p*ssy, dead.

News flash, idiot...

He was k*lled inthe second season.

I meant meadow.

You know nick,

Watching these two go at it,

I can't help butthink of how gifted

These two actors truly are.

They could easily portray

Any type ofitalian americans...

Doctors, lawyers,politicians...

Not just the ruthless,

Cold blooded murderers

We typically seein movies and tv.

Right and which, in no way,

Should be takenas representative

Of the entire hard working

Italian american community.

You like opera...

How about giving us

A little toscanini,gandolfini...

[Squeal]

No, that's not it.

[Higher squeal]

Almost there!!!

[Higher squeal]

Now you're a soprano.

You had enough?

You know what I'vehad enough of?

That freakin' mole.

You're a millionaire,

You could affordto get it removed.

This mole has more talentin its little finger

Than you'll ever have.

Come here you little monkey,

Organ-grinder b*stard...

I guess even an italiancan sometimes can slip

Into using stereotypical slurs.

Well, I'm sure he didn'tmean anything by it,

And it certainlydoesn't reflect

The opinions of themajority of this nation.

No it does not nick.

I've had it with you.

Oh you fed up?

What are you gonna do?

Whine, sulk?

Take that you guido!

Oh my...

Is he allowed to say that?

Hey...

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter me?

No...

Whatsamatter you?

You talking to me?

You talking to me?

Hey you stromboni,

Rigatoni, zamboni...

What's a matter you?

Whatsamatter me?

Come here you pepperoni,

Parmassan,

Porto vino b*stard.

Hey, rigatoni,asti spumati,

Vino, vino,

Get your italian ice's here.

Nice fresh gelato...

Mottobelli...

I take a nice gelatowhile I sit here

And scratch myballs in public.

You bet you.

What are you doingsitting out here?

Why aren't youbanging your mistress?

Today's the day

She gets hermustache trimmed.

It's thicker thanboth my wives'

And all my other mistresses'

And all the hookers I banged,

But I love my kids.

Hey, thatsa nice.

Thatsa very, very nice.

Hey, you mind ifi move up wind,

You smell likegarlic and dead fish.

Oh sure, you dowhat you gotta do.

I rub a dead fish all over me

To cover up thestink of my sweat.

Oh sure, what italiandoesn't do that?

We all stink to high heaven.

Even the priests and nuns...

Oh especially thepriests and nuns...

They smell than all otheritalians put together.

Hey, kiss me I'm italian.

Hey, kiss me I'm italian too.

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Whatsamatter you?

Where am i?

Celebrity death match.

Yeah, I clocked you good.

You passed out.

Oh yeah, you did hit me good.

I gotta hand it to you,

Even at your age,

You're still onetough b*stard.

Oh, you gotta stay young,

You gotta keepyour mind limber,

You gotta have enthusiasms...

[Sound of beating]

Damn b*stard,

Thinking he couldtake my job.

Joe pesci all over again.

What are yous looking at?

You don't see nothing,

You hear me, nothing.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

What are you looking at?

Forget about it,get out of here.