05x03 - Sibling Slaughterhouse

[bunniefuu]

Tonight on Celebrity Death Match it's the battle of the bad boys:

Judge versus Jester and Devil Spawn versus Twin Taoists.

Hello and welcome to Celebrity Death Match.

I'm Johnny Gomez, as always with my good Nick Diamond.

We have a great series of fights tonight, don't we Nick.

We sure do Johnny.

But I should point out that I'm not the only Nick Diamond.

There must be dozens...hundreds even.

The odds that I'm a specific Nick Diamond

are almost astronomical.

Nick did you have some sort of trouble on your weekend?

Why? What'd you hear?

Folks you'll have to excuse my partner.

Clearly the excitement of tonight's match up is too much

for him, and who can blame him?

First up, two of Hollywood's most wanted, go head to head,

as Colin Farrell and Charlie Sheen duke it out to be crowned

'Bad boy of Tinsel Town'.

Then it's the American Revolution all over again

as British blowhard Simon Cowel goes head to head

with yappy Yank, Ryan Seacrest.

And finally - double your pleasure, double your death

match, as celebrity siblings square off.

Jack and Kelly Osborne go mono-a-mono with skeletal

sisters Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Enough talk, let's get things started.

Nick both Sheen and Farell have done their fair share

of boozing, banging and breaking the law, but only one is walking

out of this ring alive.

No matter who wins, it's a victory for the LAPD.

Our very own Tally Wong is standing by in a locker room

with Colin Farrell.

Tally.

I'm here with Ireland's favorite son, Colin Farrell.

Colin how are you feeling about the fight?

What did he just say?

Whatever it was Johnny, it worked

Hey Colin, is that a blarney stone

in our pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Oh, look, it's Charlie Sheen, our other contestant.

Charlie, your thoughts on tonight's fight....

Have you been making out with Lindsay Lohan?

No, that was me.

Well, there you have it.

Back to you Johnny.

Thank you Tally, for that interview.

Fortunately I see that Mills Lane has managed

to get our two contestants into the ring.

All right, listen up.

Two things you should know.

One, my daughter is in the audience tonight, and second,

I've got a shotgun in back and I know how to use it.

Now let's get it on!

And there's the bell.

And the action starts immediately.

Sheen is tweezing the hell out of the famous Farrell unibrow.

It may not win him the fight but it should as hell should win

him the humanatoss.

But Farrell counters by throwing the book at him.

And that's not just any book.

That's his not so little black book.

Is that all the people you've slept with?

And now Sheen brings out his own black book.

That thing represents more used rubber than a tire factory.

What the hell is that?

Bar tabs.

E-gad.

Okay, some of these arrest warrants on for size.

...

Okay, you asked for it.

What's in there?

Overdue library books.

Hold up there Farrell, you've never been to a library

in your life.

Let me see that bag...

Alexander DVD?

SWAT DVDs....Farrell are you buying copies of your own crappy

movies to inflate sales figures.

Um...no, of course not.

All right then, now get it back on....

Farrell has Sheen in a head lock, but Sheen escapes.

Sheen slipped out of that one faster than his marriage

to Denise Richards.

Are your feet tired, cause you've been running

through me mind all night.

Excuse me...I seem to have lost my number, can I borrow yours?

Is there a mirror in your pants cause I can see meself in them?

It's hard to believe two of Hollywood's notorious womanizers

use such lame pickup lines.

See myself in them.

Oh that's good, that's very good.

You two, this ain't celebrity hookup, it death match.

Here are a couple of weapons you both understand,

now I want to see some blood.

Good god, what are you doing man?

That's alcohol abuse.

I thought you beat your drinking problem and moved on

to a gambling problem.

That's not true.

I'll bet you any amount of money that it's not true.

You are the hottest girl that I have seen.

No, you are.

You are.

I can't understand their drunken babbling.

I speak drunk Johnny, and all I can say is it wasn't fit

for television

Looks like Colin Farrell has recovered first

and added a new twist down there.

Now you will tremble before my mighty spear.

Any last words?

Take a good look Farrell, if you don't start making better

movies you're going to spend your forties doing sitcoms.

Never!

And that's the end of Sheen.

Farrell wins!

Not so fast Johnny.

That spear thrust didn't k*ll Sheen after all.

What?

How is that possible?

It seems the spear hit the one internal organ where

Sheen wouldn't even feel it---the liver.

And that's it.

It's over.

It's all over.

And the winner is Charlie Sheen.

Check it out Johnny.

Two and a Half Men.

Well done Nick, I'd hate to go to commercial

without getting that one in.

We're back and ready to bring down the rafters

with our second fight.

It's Simon Cowel versus Ryan Seacrest.

Say Nick, it looks like you have some fans in the audience.

I do?

Where?

Those two gentlemen right over there.

They've been trying to get your attention.

We've had some good times over the years, haven't we Johnny.

And they're not over yet.

Let's go down to ring side where Tally Wong

is with Ryan Seacrest.

Thanks Johnny.

Ryan, you and Simon regularly trade insults on American Idol,

but are you ready to go head to head?

Yeah, I think I am Tally.

Do you really think you can defeat Simon?

Tally, I can only hope that you the viewers at home

will find it in their hearts to make me the winner.

So what do you say America, if you want me to win,

please text your vote to IDOL .

That's Ido...

Ryan, America doesn't get to vote.

You have to fight Simon Cowel, in the ring, to the death.

Bbbb...

mmm...

ccc...

What?

Is Seacrest making a fuss?

I knew we should have kept Dunkleman.

Now that gentlemen had testicles.

Dunkleman? Dunkleman?

You sir have just bought yourself a death match.

All right you two.

I'm told you're both on some TV show, but frankly if you're not

on Gunsmoke, I don't know you.

Let's get it on!

There's the bell, and the battle is on.

Seacrest, I'm going to drop you faster

than a syndicated talk show.

Yolk's on you Cowel, I was dropped really fast by

a syndicated talk show.

How ironic that you don't know the meaning of the word ironic.

Oh, here it comes, another shining example

of a Seacrest come back.

You're a doo doo head!

Seacrest that was about as effective as panties

at an Art Kelly party.

You're in trouble doo doo head.

Astonishing, I'm met MPCs with more brains than you.

A hit.

That's more hits than all the American Idol albums combined.

Is that all you've got?

Clay Aitken punches harder than you do.

Seacrest punches.

Seacrest kicks.

Seacrest round house.

Okay, you've had your fun, now it's mine.

Seacrest doomed!

Simon says, bleed.

Ouchie!

Oh boy, that's about as embarrassing as things can get.

Can you imagine a grown man wearing such underwear?

Unless Seacrest can find some way to counter, this is going

to get as ugly as from Justin to Kelly.

Oh! And Seacrest is down.

That's gotta hurt eh Nick?

Well, I'm sure he prefers it to being buried waste deep

in the Mexican desert, helpless to defend yourself

as every insect, bird and rodent

within ten miles feeds on your body, stripping

you of your flesh, bit by bit, until your death by thirst

three days later, comes as a welcome relief.

Geez, that was dark Nick.

And for what?

For being one short?

You k*ll a guy just for being one short?

He did his best.

He's not a professional.

They know that going in.

Is that it?

Is that all you've got?

You fight like a theme park wedding singer performing

Karaoke on a cruise ship.

Yes, that just about covers it.

No, stop it.

I'm not a contestant. I'm not a contestant.

Had enough?

Because so far you're fighting is about as effective

as the French Army.

You call that an insult?

I've heard that insults from Randy Jackson's

arse some Chile night.

... It's a good thing you're so gorgeous.

You're going to Hollywood, or yes you are, you splendid thing.

How dare you hit me when I'm admiring myself.

Okay, Seacrest, the kid gloves are off.

And Cowel goes back on the offensive.

What are you going to do Simon, attack me with

more of your rapier-like wit?

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

My face...my beautiful, beautiful face.

I guess you'll never be America's Idol now.

Yeah, yeah, you're all rubbish.

You call that a stool leg through the brain, because it

was less than....oh wait no, it was quite effective....

I did it!

I k*lled him!

I've been waiting four years to say this.

Cowel out!

Oh, could you be any more obvious?

And Ryan Seacrest wins.

Seacrest k*lled Cowel with his stool.

And the winner is... what's the name again?

Ryan Seacrest...although I'm thinking of changing it

to Lord Rumblebottom.

What do you think?

That should go over big with the flyover people.

The winner is Lord Rumblebottom.

Well, that could not have been more exciting.

I'll agree with you there Johnny.

A fight like that can make a man forget all about

his own troubles.

Looks like your two friends in the audience are waving

at you Nick.

Hm?

I'm done for Johnny, I'm done for.

Now Nick, I'm sure whatever is going on,

it can all be sorted out.

You don't know these people Johnny.

They'll gut me like a trout.

Nick, calm down.

The situation can't be as bad as you're thinking.

Johnny, trust me, it's can't get any worse.

I stand corrected.

Welcome back to Celebrity Death Match.

It's time for the main event.

Tonight the baddest branches of the Osborne family tree,

Jack and Kelly, will tangle with the most terrifying zygote

ever to split in two...Mary- Kate and Ashley Olsen...

in a battle we call Sibling Slaughter house.

But what's this battle all about?

That's exactly what Tally Wong asked in her exclusive interview

with the Osborne's earlier tonight.

Let's take a look.

So Osborne, why the animosity?

This is fight for the youth of America Tally.

The choice between hip and funky or clean and squeaky.

But mostly it's because the entire world has been waiting

for the day they were old enough to do a spread in Playboy

and finally, when they hit , what do we get....nothing.

I posed for Playboy.

The interview lasted one hour and that was the only footage

suitable for broadcast.

Let's just hope Mills Lane can keep them in line down there.

Okay, I want a good clean fight.

The battle isn't over until both members of one team are dead.

Do you understand me?

Another shining example of the attention span of today's youth.

I'm going to go weep for the future.

You four, get it on!

There's the bell and we're underway.

Which is the one with the eating disorder?

Um...

there's your answer.

I'll take her, you take the other one.

Hold on there missie, you're beating up a bag lady.

I am so sorry.

Come here you little ... I'm gonna take you down

in a New York minute.

Which is about as long as that movie was in theatres.

You should talk...the only role you'll ever get

is from a delicatessen.

Come here you little.....get over here...I'm trying...

ha, got ya.

Ouch!

Now that's a bad hair day, even for Mary-Kate.

Actually Johnny, I doubt it hurt her at all.

It's one of the Olsen's natural defense mechanisms...when the

Paparazzi or other predators get a hold of their hair it breaks

off, allowing for easy escape.

You mean like a lizard's tail.

What the hell do I know about lizards.

Yeah...

how do you like me now.

You...

you dye your pit hair green?

I don't dye my pit hair green.

Girlfriend, you have got to take more showers.

And that's just an appetizer.

I'm going to take you down bite by bite.

Oh please...

haven't you ever wondered how two no talents like us have

survived years of Hollywood?

I knew it!

That's five bucks you owe me.

You're gonna have to do better than that twiggy.

Okay, see if you can handle this...

Classic Osborne move.

Thats not a taco.

... Just a little something I learned from my dear old dad.

Oh yeah, well here's something I learned from Bob Saget.

Me crumpets!

This is it Nick, Mary-Kate is going in for the k*ll.

How do you suppose she's gonna finish it?

Strangulation....knife to the belly....lobotomy through

the nose....

My sister and I sometimes shower together.

Fantastic!

Mary-Kate actually used Jack's own hormone rampant

teenage libido and k*lled him with his own fantasy.

That's one of the most clever things we've ever seen eh Nick?

Yes!

So we have our first victim.

Jack Osborne is dead.

Now the Olsen's twins are really out of their weight class.

Hey, smelly Kelly...

Olson Twin powers....activate....form of

me....kicking your a*s....form of me also kicking your a*s...

Oh, oh, double trouble.

Can this spell the end of Smelly Kel....of Kelly Osborne?

Had enough?

You're kidding right?

Do you have any idea of my life?

This is a picnic...speaking of...

Oh... my precious..

I'm been trying to find you...must eat you....

But Think of the calorises.. chocolate frosting....yes.

But we were fat and ugly... no one will love us...

we want it...we want it now...we possess it...we cannot have

it.... I got a little something for you too, snowflake!

What's she using down there Nick?

Chinese throwing stars?

Worse Johnny...those are copies of her very own CDs.

Oh, oh.

Ashley better look out.

Those things can k*ll anybody's career.

It was bad.

We ...must have this.

No, it will help me.

Oh, oh.

You idiot! Look what you've done!

Use the fingers... can't reach!

Amazing, Mary-Kate Olsen's own stomach has rejected

her food bloated body.

I haven't seen internal organs this wild since internal organs

gone wild Can co*n edition.

That leaves one Olsen and one Osborne, and things

do not look good for Ashley.

Time to end this right now.

Yeah.

Looks like Full House was beat by Four of a Kind.

And the winner is Kelly Osborne!

What an incredible ending.

Say Nick, your friends are making their way

up to the booth.

Johnny, whatever you do don't let them....

Yeah, come on up, he's right here.

Oh boy Johnny, bad idea.

Okay, okay, okay.

I got to get out of here.

Quick Johnny, I need a distraction.

Like some of today's most famous celebrities battling to the

death in a wrestling ring?

That'd be perfect.

Well you're out of luck, until next week that is.

For Celebrity Death Match I'm Johnny Gomez,

good fight and good night.