06x01 - The Beginning of Celebrity Deathmatch

[bunniefuu]

JOHNNY:Tonight, in an episodedestined to be used

as a t*rture deviceby the CIA,

it's the OrangeCounty Princess

against anOrange County Poser.

It's a Spider stud versusa Brokeback Bo-hunk,

and the Yo-mama big mouthknocks heads

with the improv assassinof Wild 'n Out.

And it all beginsright here, right now

on CelebrityDeath Match.

Welcome everyone toanother addition

of Celebrity Death Match.

I'm Johnny Gomez, andwith me, as always,

the incomparableNick Diamond.

And tonight asa special bonus,

both Nick and myself areavailable online

to answer all your CDM--

You haven't seen mylaptop, have you Johnny?

You're kidding right?

We're both supposedto be online.

I know, I know, but its notin my car, not in my cubicle.

I know I had it.

Well, I hope there wasnothing important on it.

[nervous chuckle]Important?

No, no.

Nothing like that;

and certainly nothingembarrassing;

nothing embarrassingof any kind.

I offer a $ rewardto whoever returns it,

no questions asked.

Well, that'sa good offer,

but not nearly as rewardingas our first fight.

It's the bottle of the OC,

as the star of the eponymousprime time soap,

Mischa Barton goespedicure a pedicure

with a bonafidePacific Princess -

Laguna Beach'sKristen Cavallari.

Nick, I think we canagree that this oneis going to be...

Do you know anythingabout hacking intolaptop's Johnny?

Is it hard?

It's hard, right?

I have no idea,

but I do know thatour two gladiatrixes

are standing byin yet another edition

of Tally's Korner.

KIRSTEN:It seems like just yesterday

I was gettingready for the prom,

and here I am,

about to star in my ownCelebrity Death Match.

I can't waitto text everyone

after I kick thatbitch Mischa's a*s.

Kristen, I can here yourinternal monologue.

Everyone can.

No you can't.

Yes I can.

Oh my god,

you can see, like,every bone in her body.

You cannot.

I ate only ... days ago.

When will this skinbag shut her trap?

That's it;you are so dead.

[grunting]

I wonder who'llcome to my funeral.

Geez, can't a girl take asquirt around here in peace?!

Save it for the ring!

This is Tally Wong, andthat was Tally's Korner.

I think I'm gettingold Nick.

I had no idea whothose girls were.

I've caught their showsonce or twice Johnny.

I do recall that Mischaplays a girl named Summer.

No, No, no.

Mischa played Marrisa Cooper,the beautiful girl next door,

and Ryan's on again,off again girlfriend.

Although everything wasthrown into jeopardy

when Marrisa shot Tray and Ryanstarted to fall for Sadie,

but that was just a sillycrush if you ask me.

[whimpering]

And now she's gone!

I can't believeshe's gone!

Okay, And KristenCavallari is...

Only like the biggestflirt in school.

She was datingSteven even though LC

was totallycrushing on him.

But after Stevenleft for college,

Kristen got with Matt untilLC made her move on Steven,

at which point Kristenwas right back on him.

Can you believe it?

Believe it?

I can't even understand it.

But I am fluentin Death Match.

Let's get downto ringside.

All right Princesses,listen up.

I got good news and bad news.

The good news is youboth look fabulous.

The bad news is one of youis going to be buried

by midnight.

Now let's get it on.

[bell rings]

Welcome to the OC, b*tch.

You welcome tothe OC b*tch.

Oh no, allow me to welcomeyou to the OC, b*tch.

I don't think so.

It would be my pleasure towelcome you to the OC, b*tch.

NICK:What a shot!

JOHNNY:Mischa is starting out strong.

Those syringesare full of botox.

NICK:What's botox?

JOHNNY:In very small doses, botoxparalyzes facial muscles,

reducing wrinkles.

But Mischa has enoughsyringes down there

to treat the entire castof Desperate Housewives

for a month!

HYEAH!

Whoa, she maybe beautiful,

but her arm's nottoo accurate, eh Nick?

Oh, are you okay?

[mumbling]I'm in excruciatingpain Johnny.

Well, you look years younger.

God be praised.

And it looks like at leastsome of the needles

have found their mark.

That should be enoughto drop an elephant,

but Kristen isn't going down.

What the hell?

Duh, I grew up in the OC,

I've been getting Botoxsince I was a baby.

I'm immune to it.

[grunting]

My co-star, BenjaminMcKenzie, taught me this;

it's called thechino choke hold.

[scream]

Oh my god, please,you have to help me.

I promise I'll makeit worth your while.

Coming on to anaudience member?

I'll allow it.

[grunting]

Get away fromhim, man stealer.

He's mine.

I, I love him.

[Gasp]

He'll never love you becauseI'm carrying his baby.

[Gasp]

That's why I haveto k*ll you.

Take that!

Darling, now that she's deadwe can be together forever.

[whimpering]Love life stories.

What the hell is goingon down there Nick?

The OC and Laguna Beach maybe outrageously popular,

but when youget down to it,

they're really justSoap Operas, Johnny;

which means right aboutnow there should be...

Not so fast.

NICK: The surprise twist!

Mischa, it can't be.

I, like, k*lled you.

I faked my death you idiot.

It's called acting!

You should tryit sometime.

Surf's up Poser;go back to the Valley.

[grunting]

Must text RachelBilson for help.

Oh, I don't think so.

Yah! Yah! Yah!

My thumbs.

How am I supposed totalk without any thumbs?

That isn't...

It is.

My daddy's black AMEX card.

What's the limit on that?

The sky.

I'll OC you later,b*tch.

Yyyyah!

JOHNNY:Amazing!

Mischa Bartonhas been k*lled

by Mr. Cavalari'sobscene wealth.

NICK:Money may not buy happiness,

but it can certainlybuy you a Death Match.

Well, here's our firstemail of the night.

No, wait, it's a video

and the subject is NickDiamond, Jedi Master.

No Johnny,don't open it!

[mimicking Light Sabre noise]

[yelp][crash]

Well, there goesmy street cred.

Okay, so it was alittle embarrassing,

but look onthe bright side.

It's over with, right?

I offer $,.

to whoever returnsmy computer.

Oh boy.

Don't go away folks,

I have a feeling we'rejust getting started.

Welcome back everyone toCelebrity Death Match.

Another fights to go

and as a special bonusNick and I are both online

to answeryour questions.

Speaking of... here'sanother new email.

Numa, numa, Nick.

What is that?

Johnny, no!

[singing]

Well Nick, lookat it this way.

You may be dyingon the inside,

but one of ournext contestants

is going to dieon the outside.

Next up: Tobey Maguireand Jake Gyllenhaal

go head to head to prove thatHollywood's only big enough

for one h* hum hunk.

NICK:Johnny, I think we gotthe names reversed.

That's Tobey thereon the right.

Okay, there we... no, wait,no, that's still wrong.

That's still Tobey onthe right isn't it?

There, now that's... wait aminute, that's wrong again.

If I didn't know better, I'dsay those guys were twins.

You and me both.

Let's go down to thering where, hopefully,

Mills Lane cansort things out.

Okay, I don't know whichone of you is which,

and truthfully, Idon't give a crap.

So if one of you wins,

just make sure totell me your name

before I call it out.

Now let's get it on!

Okay Maguire,once I k*ll you,

all of your roleswill be mine.

Stop trying to eat offmy dime Gyllenhaal.

The only reasonis have a career

is because youlook like me.

Five years I've been watchingyou get all the good roles.

What do I get?

Lovely and Amazing; TheGood Girls; Jar Head.

You said it. Not me.

NICK:Jar on your head;I know how that feels.

You can't beatme Gyllenhaal.

Did you see how pumpedI got to play Spiderman.

[screams]

Uh-oh, time for some defense!

JOHNNY:Jake has some sort of forcefield protecting him.

NICK:It's a bubble,

just like fromhis movie Bubble Boy.

Never saw it.

Only you and millionother people Johnny.

[Laughter]

What are youlaughing at Maguire?

Not even you canburst my bubble.

Because I know you ate thetacos down in the green room.

So, what's thatgot to do with...

[flatulence]

Looks like Jake'sbubble backfired!

Death Match, rule :

Never eat thegreen room tacos.

[coughing]

[gasping]

JOHNNY:Well Nick, you have to agree

that so far everythingis going Maguire's way.

NICK: Yup, this one lookslike it's ... hold on.

Gyllenhaal is up tosomething tricky.

JOHNNY:What's in the box?

Hold on...

NICK:Metallic arms!

Could it be that Gyllenhaalhas brought Doc Oc,

Spiderman'sarch enemy to the fight?

Impossible Nick, that wouldbe copyright infringement.

All we can say for certain

is that there are metallicoctopus-like tentacles

emerging from a box

in which is a character orcharacters

we cannot nor will not see.

NICK:A victory for free speech,

but will it mean avictory for Gyllenhaal?

I got you now!

JOHNNY: The arms havegrabbed Gyllenhaal!

The arms grabbedGyllenhaal by mistake!

NICK: Even they can'ttell them apart!

Stop it!Stop it!

I'm not Spiderman.

I'm Jake Gyllenhaal.

I was in theDay After Tomorrow.

JOHNNY: Ouch!

The tentacles give The DayAfter Tomorrow a thumbs down.

Actually thumbs down.

NICK: That's exactlywhat I gave it.

JOHNNY:What is the world coming to

when a coupleof wimps like these

are considered action stars?

NICK:Arnold Schwarzenegger isrolling over in his grave.

Arnold Schwarzeneggerisn't dead.

He is to me Johnny.

They're back at it Nick.

My Spidey Cents.

[audience groans]

What?

I was in Spiderman.

And you know whatmovie I was in?

I'll give you a hint.

Broke Back Mountain.

[Ow]

And there's a referencebatted in for Gyllenhaal.

I am the best!

JOHNNY:But Maguire isn'tgiving up yet.

I haven't seen atug of w*r this exciting

since the CDMemployee picnic.

NICK:Ah, the picnic.

Remember the sack race Johnny?

JOHNNY: Nick, youstreaking across the park

with your packagehanging out

hardly constitutesa sack race.

NICK: The police reportreads 'sack race' Johnny

and police reports don't lie.

Hollywood's only big enoughone Tobey Maguire

and that's me,Jake Gyllenhaal.

You'll never be anA List actor like me.

Yes, the fame andfortune are amazing,

but with great power comesthe great responsibility

of me kicking your a*s.

I was in Spiderman you know.

Yes Tobey, we know, we know.

You're the star of theenormously successful

Spiderman franchise.

Don't you forget it!

How could I?

You've referenced it like times in this fight.

But you know what Iused to do to spiders

when I was a kid?

Pulled their legs off!

Ow!

[groaning]

My leg!

Ow!Nyuck! Nyuck!

I picked this up onthe set of Zodiac;

whatever sign it lands onis how you're gonna die.

Cancer!

Oh, it's gonna take forever!

Forget it, I'll just beat youto death with your own leg.

[screaming]

Uncle...

I can't believe it!

What a stunning victory.

They said itcouldn't be done.

Well he's provedthem wrong Johnny.

He has provedthem wrong.

Do you have any ideawhich one of them won?

Not a clue Johnny.

Aren't you gonnaannounce my name?

You just killedSpiderman jerk.

I hope yourot in hell.

Wow, who knew Mills wassuch a big comic book fan.

They like to be calledTrekkies Johnny.

I'm pretty surethey don't.

Another video Nick.

Gahh!

Oh Nick, why in God'sname would you... ?

Those videos were forpersonal use Johnny.

Personal use!

Well, they'reout there now

and apparently this one

already has over million hits.

Well that's it.

My career's over.

No one is ever goingto hire me ever again.

Know anybody who might wantto buy some diamond encrusted,

Nick Diamond knuckle rings?

Um, pass.

But don't youpass up a chance

to watch thesefine commercials.

Welcome back toCelebrity Death Match

and more bloodshed.

Can you keep it downJohnny, on a call here.

Yeah?

Are you kidding me?

That's fantastic!

Who was that Nick?

My agent.

Thanks to all thosevirile videos,

I'm the hottest thing to hitthe net since Paris Hilton.

I'm an internet celebrity!

I'm getting offersleft and right.

Having my computer stolenwas the best thing

that ever happened to me.

So whoever has my laptop, goahead, upload your heart out.

I'm king of cyberspace!

And back here on earthwe go to Tally Wong

who's standing bywith Nick Cannon.

Nick, as the hostof MTV Wild'n Out,

you're proving thatthat improv comedy

is alive and well.

That's right.

Unscripted, totallyspontaneous,

improvised comedy is the b*mb.

Here, I'll show you.

Give the name of acity, a type of car,

and your favourite cereal.

DesMoine, Miataand Cookie Crisp.

Perfect, check this out.

BRITISH ACCENT:Hello gov'nor,have you any eggs?

Bam, improv.

You can't writestuff like that.

No, no, you cannot.

Hey Nick,you're momma's so fat

she has to iron her pantson the driveway.

Oh, snap!

Ladies and gentleman, it'sthe star of That s Show,

the toast of the tabloids andthe host of MTVs Yo-Mama,

Wilmer Valderrama.

Your mama's so fat

she went to the moviesand sat next to everyone.

Wilmer, why are yousaying these things?

You never even met my mom.

You're mama's so fatshe eats wheat thicks.

Wheat thick?

What the heck isa wheat thick?

I never even heardof such a thing.

Nick, I'm talking trash.

It is what I do.

And improv is what I do.

And leaving is what I do.

JOHNNY:Tally!

What are you gonna do, bringback Stacey Cornbread?

[girls screaming]

That deafening scream canmean only one thing Nick.

We've achieved peacein the middle east?

Even better.

Wilmer Valderrama hasjust entered the arena.

Hey there beautiful woman,would you do me a favor

and hold something forme while I fight?

NICK:I can't believe it.

Wilmer's hi-jinx havealready hit the tabloids.

That guy gets more inkthan Travis Barker.

Now let's get it on!

Valderrama, I'm about to getwild 'n out upside your head.

I think not.

Let's see how you handlemy C.hi.P.S night stick.

I do not understand.

How is this possible?

You're not the only one who'splayed a cop in the movies.

I was in Underclassmen.

I never heard of it.

I don't even have thatmovie in my notes.

My netflicks cuekeeps rejecting it.

Time to roll bounce.

Disco attack!

You fool, I wason That s show.

I eat Discofor breakfast.

One and two andthree and four,

gonna drop these fasterthan Mandy Moore.

Five and six andseven and eight,

you're about astalented as Nick Lache.

Okay Cannon, think.

I've got to improvmy way out of this.

I'm Rocky Balboa goingthe distance

with Apollo Creed.

Blye me, guv'nor,have you any eggs?

Okay, that didn't work.

I'm a robot escaping froma futuristic laser prison.

Blye me, guv'nor,have you any eggs?

Okay, I'm a mediocre actorgetting his a*s handed to him.

Ta da...

Oh he's good.

Very believable.

WILMER: Aha,everything I domakes headlines.

The world cannot get enoughof Wilmer Valderrama.

I'm famous.

How come the tabloidsdon't write about me?

Because you are a boring,but dependable lead

for low to medium budget,youth oriented films;

while I am asmoldering Latino hunk

who has made aname for himself,

ushering young starletsinto womanhood.

What about ChristinaMilian, I hit that.

Please!

You two timed the starof the Disney Channel.

Not even the weekly worldnews will cover that.

Damn you Valderrama.

You crossed the line;

The drum line!

[snare roll]

Very macho my friend, but youshould have finished me off

when you had the chance.

You have forced me tounleash my ultimate power.

I will k*ll you with myoozing, sultry sex appeal.

This is impossible.

You're not fallingfor my charm.

Okay, okay.

We shall have to dothis the hard way.

[gasp]

How is your strippingbutt naked gonna k*ll me?

Wait for it.

No! Stop!!

It burns, it burns!

It burnsyou.

While I have had so manypictures taken of me,

I am immune to it.

Never underestimate thepower of the paparazzi.

Okay, that shoulddo it, I think.

And the winner isWilmer Valderrama!

What the hell kindof name is that?

It's the name of a winnerand I should know Johnny,

because I'm one of them.

Another video Nick.

Click away Johnny.

The more embarrassing,the more famous I'll be.

It's called 'DiamondsAren't Forever".

Make it happen.

I swear this neverhappens to me!

WOMAN'S VOICE:Sure Nick.

Why are you doing this to me,little Nicky, why, why, why?

I forgot about that one.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Okay.

[sigh]Well, it's gone Johnny.

The perfume line, the album,the three picture deal,

all of it.

Lip sync a Romanian pop songand everyone's your friend,

but go limp and eventhe internet pretends

it doesn't know you.

Nick, don't worry.

Something will come up.

[sigh]

Fate will throw you a bone.

[sigh]

It's hard out there,

especially fora softy like you.

[sigh]Just end this Johnny.

Until next time, this isJohnny Gomez for the CDM team,

saying and goodnight and good fight.

JOHNNY: Next week onCelebrity Death Match:

Two Houston heavyweightsgo head to head

and grill to grill.

Two MTV megamouthssquare off

for network domination,

and two top-tier actors try toput one another to death.

So what's this,about a fight to the death?

JOHNNY: And it willall happen next week

on Celebrity Death Match.