06x02 - Vaughn vs. Wilson

[bunniefuu]

Tonight, soon you'll havesomething to think about

during math classon Monday.

Two Houston heavyweightsgo head to head,

bling to bling andgrill to grill.

Two MTV mega mouths squarefor network domination.

And two top tier actorstry to put one another

on the A-List of death.

And it all begins right nowon Celebrity Death Match.

Good evening everyoneI'm Johnny Gomez.

And I'm Nick Diamond.

I got nothing.

Enough small talk.

Let's get rightto the action.

These two rappers may have cuttracks together in the past,

but tonight it's cutthroat action

as Paul Walltakes on Mike Jones

to see who will bethe king of Houston.

Tally Wong is standingby with both fighters

in another editionof Tally's Corner.

But any UNtreaty banning

space weapons mustadequately measure

sufficient evidenceupon which objective

compliance determinationscan be made.

But can the US supportany draft mandate

that attemptsto bias the work...

Oh! Are we on?

Hey, yeah, shibah,Mike Jones!

Ice Age knows what'sgoing down.

You know it'sofficial baby.

Whatz up, better white dude,they talk about pow wow,

made the people [Unclear].

Hey come on guys,

we were having a reallyinteresting discussion.

What's up to mygirl on the mic.

Jigga got itgoing on.

Smack.He's going down.

Mike Jones.

Swish our alreadyripped boy,

you all don't knowI put it down.

What they talkingabout baby?

Okay, seriously,

don't you think yourfans will still like you

if they see thatyou're both

actually reallyintelligent and coherent?

[both talking jibberish]

Mike Jones!

Okay you two, Iwant a good clean...

Hey yo, Mike Jones,right here, so.

I'm the realMike Jones.

Focus, son.

I want a good clean...

This is the whereit's at, baby.

Mike Jooones...

I say I want a good...

Mike Jooones...

To hell with it.

I don't care how youdo it, just k*ll him.

Let's get it on...

[bell rings]

Mike Jooones,Mike Jooones, Mike Jooones...

Well I don't knowmuch about his music,

but I'll say thisabout Mike Jones,

what a shamelessself-promotion machine.

It's no easyfeat Johnny.

Not everyonecan pull it off.

Believe me,I've tried,

but nobody outthere wants to hear

about the realNick Diamond -

with his toenail fungus,mediocre credit report,

or why he likes grapes.

Nobody in here wants tohear about it either.

You think it look awful, youshould see how it tastes!

Who is Mike Jones?

That's what peoplegonna be asking

when they see your recordin the bargain bin

at the centstore tomorrow.

Oh yeah, yoursongs are so bad

I could eat alphabet soupand crap better lyrics.

Mike Jooones.

Okay, that's it.

Time for me to produce myown version of Mike Jones.

Chopped and Screwed.

That was thechopping, now for the...

I won't allow it!

Now let's get it back on.

When I'm there with yougonna be sitting sideways.

M. Jooones.

[Phone Rings]

Yeah, one of my fanscalling Mike Jones

to tell me how much theylove Mike Jones. Hello?

Hey.

I'm calling to sayI loved your work.

Beavis and Buttheadreally rocked.

No man, I'm Mike Jooones, notMike Judge, Mike Jooones.

JOHNNY: Paul Wall connects; what a shot.

NICK: Jones is looking shakier than Lance Bass in a topless bar.

JOHNNY:Take a look Nick,

we've got an authentic Texasrodeo down in our ring.

I'll bet Houston has neverseen riding like this before.

NICK: Oh I bet she did the day Bobby Brown was released from...

Oh, you meantthe city, Houston.

Hey, man that ain't cool.Get off me.

Yeah, ride em hard and put emaway wet, that's how I roll.

You know, Ithink you and me

should lay downanother track,

collaborate,put our heads together.

Or maybe something witha little grind and blow.

You sure you gottime for all this?

I, Mike Jones, mean

you've been so busy laying down a track with Brook Hogan,

which everyone whohears it want to do this.

[Phone rings]

Mike Jooones.

Hey, quick question.

Do you harbor any resentmentafter leaving The View?

I'm not Starr Jones,I'm Mike Jones.

Who?

Mike Jooones,Mike Jooones!

Damn bro,rap hero to rap zero.

Time for you to check outmy k*ller bling Mike Jones.

JOHNNY:Houston, we have a problem.

NICK: That makes Wall a legit member of mafia.

JOHNNY: Looks like the people's champ

is the people's chumptonight Nick.

NICK:Couldn't agree more Johnny.

Unless Paul Wall has sometrick up his sleeve

he's about to be about asdead as Judas on the cross.

What? Too soon?

[gasps!]

[gasp!]No toilet paper!

Read my lips.

Oh yeah Mike Jones, Idon't think so Mike Jones.

JOHNNY: Dear god, Paul Wall just gave his grill the ultimate pimping.

NICK: I haven't heard that phrase since my ex wife

was talking about the poolboy, or was that pumping?

We got us a winner!

Jaws!

Well Nick, another amazingbattle, wouldn't you say?

Indeed, the king of the southhas been crowned tonight,

thanks to his amazinggrill of death.

Every time I don't think itcould get more exciting...

That's the beauty of whatwe call Death Match Johnny,

the beauty of whatwe call Death Match.

We should probably callsomebody about those teeth.

Already on it Johnny.

Hello, Canadian Border Patrol?

Nick Diamond.

This one is gonnasound a bit strange.

Welcome back folks to round of Celebrity Death Match.

This next fight issheer MTV madness

as the Balderdashspitting Andy Milonakis

takes on the uber daredevilwild boy Steve-O.

This is gonna to beone hell of a match up.

Care to make any predictionsin this one Nick?

Tough to say Johnny.

This one couldreally go either way.

I can't honestly saythat either contestant...

Nick, you're supposed tomaintain a professional,

non biased demeanor;

not blatantlycome out rooting

for one contestantover another.

Well I'm sorry Johnny,I can't help it.

I'm a huge wild boysfan, especially Steve-O.

The man who let's jelly fishsting his package

speaks to you?

On so many levels Johnny.

In fact I've evenstarted my own web...

Let me guess,www.wildboys?

No, that name wasalready taken.

And so was wildboysontv,thosecrazywildboys

and even iheartthewildboys.

I have a pretty tough timecoming up with a name

but I finally got oneno one else had:

nickdiamondgoeswildforboys.

What do you think?

Pretty catchy huh?

Oh no.

And you can also visitmy new fan site

for Ashlee andJessica Simpson;

nick diamond wants to touch naked swedish girls at sleepawaycamp.org.

You wouldn't believethe number of hits

I'm getting Johnny.

Nothing comparedto the number

you'll be gettingin jail Nick.

Jail?

Why would I ever go to jailfor being the sole owner

and operator ofnickdiamondgoeswildforboys

or nick diamond wants to touch naked swedish girls at sleepawaycamp.org?

Let's go down to Tally Wong.

Nick, Johnny, at anymoment our two fighters

will be entering the arena.

The doughy, pasty lumpknown as Milonakis

and the oh so hot andbreezy, sweaty hunk

of a crazy badboy toy, named Steve-O.

Steve-O, Steve-O, Steve-O!

And here he is folks, Steve-Ois entering the arena.

Steve-O, Steve-O,quick question

before you totally wipethe floor with Milonakis.

What's the most fun you'vehad taping your stunts?

It's not so muchfun I'm after

as it is historical significance.

And by historicalsignificance you mean?

Chicks and beer.[laughs]

Chicks and beer!Yeah!

I'm a chick, but I can bebeer if you want me to.

Hey lady, your microphonemakes me want to dance.

Hey Mr. Babcock, I knowyou're my secret Santa,

I just know it!

See you at the party.

Hi Mr. Vindalu.

That rave you threwlast Tuesday

still has meseeing stars.

What a party!

Hi Mr. Fishstick, I...

Pipe down Milonakis, Iwant a good clean fight.

No funny business.

[rapping]♪ Business, schmisness.

♪ I got my master'sin licorice, ♪

♪ my most hated popsicleis strawberry banana, ♪

♪ banana, banana,banana sling. ♪

♪ That's what you wear tocover your ding-a-ling, ♪

♪ covered in bling,all over your lampshade. ♪

How do yousleep at night?

In a racecar bedwith an inflatable...

Rhetorical.

Now let's get it on!

Let's do it.

♪ I'm sorry you guy,watch my eye, I may cry. ♪

♪ I don't even care if youbleed all over my shirt, ♪

♪ g-o-o-d-d-y

JOHNNY:No surprise here Nick.

Steve-O takesan early lead.

NICK:Steve-O!

JOHNNY: Milonakis bouncing around down there

more than Tara Reid'sboobs on the red carpet.

NICK: On any carpet.

JOHNNY: Correction, on any carpet.

Hey, I'm a helicopter,I'm coperting!

Oh man dude, what'syour favourite food?

Seconds?

JOHNNY: Milonakis is down again.

NICK: He's hit the ground morethan baby Federline's head.

OW!It hurts.

Wooby help me,help me Wooby, come on boy.

That's it.

Come on.

JOHNNY: The Steve-O comes in for the k*ll.

This one couldbe all over.

I make it a point tonever hurt an animal,

but in your case I'llmake an exception.

I'm going to rip out yourhear and drink your blood,

right after I put on thisSouth American stinging

ant glove of manhood.

I wonder what thisis gonna feel like?

JOHNNY: Oh, tactical mistake there.

Steve-O had thisone in the bag

and then let curiosityget the better of him.

Sort of like spending $.to see Snakes On A Plane.

[laughing]

Hey, what's this do?

JOHNNY:Astonishing!

Due to Andy's almost magical,childlike innocence,

he seems to be able toliterally alter the laws of...

the very fabricof the space time...

A duck on a trampoline!

You said it Johnny.

But Steve-O has once againgotten the upper hand.

Okay Milonakis, thistime you're done for.

Nothing can save you.

I'm gonna k*ll you.

Right after I drink thisfermented [unclear] beverage.

JOHNNY:It happened again!

Steve-O was just secondsaway from victory

and he just letit slip away.

NICK: Like the Pussycat Dollsat an actual talent convention.

Hey Milonakis, come here.

Okay.

Damn Milonakis, you'restupider than Knoxville.

They say awounded Milonakis

is the most dangerous kindof Milonakis there is,

so I'm gonna have tobe extra careful,

especially since I'mgoing to approach him

dressed up asa giant Twinkie.

No, don't do it!

It's too dangerous,it's too...

[gasp]

[screaming]

It's still betterthan being a gutter

with Chris Pontius.

We have a winner,Andy Smilasmakus.

Wooby, I won! Wooby,Wooby, Wooby, Wooby.

Yes, never underestimatethe underdog.

Never underestimatethe underdog.

Wow, look at this

both my nick diamondgoes wild for boys

and my nick diamond

wants to touch naked swedish girls at sleepawaycamp

just got another fan letter,both from the same person.

Who is it?

I don't know.

Some guy withthe initials FBI

and he wants to talkto me in person!

Nick, don't answer that.

Come on over, I'm atthe CDM arena right now.

Stay tuned folks for what mightbe our last episode ever.

Welcome backeveryone

to the Celebrity DeathMatch main event.

Our first two fights havebeen battles for the ages.

NICK: Paul Wall annihilated Mike Jones with his grill of death.

Mike--AAAAH!

Still no word onthe teeth though.

JOHNNY: Then Any Milonakis put the big hurt on Steve-O,

treating him likeyesterday's snack food.

Our next two fightershave made millions

starring in such buddypictures as Starsky and Hutch

and Wedding Crashers.

But these'buddy' pictures

are about to become'bloody' pictures.

NICK: It's Owen Wilson, aka the Butterscotch Stallion,

versus sarcastic tough guy,Vince Vaughan,

aka the Vanilla Seahorse.

He's really called theVanilla Seahorse?

One of us is.

Let's get downto Tally Wong.

Thanks Johnny.

Owen, we're momentsaway from the big fight.

What's going throughyour mind right now?

Are you thewardrobe girl?

I'd like my character to weara cowboy hat for this project.

It's impossible not to like acharacter wearing a cowboy hat.

Umm... Vince, maybe youcan share your thoughts.

What's your strategyin the ring tonight?

You're cute withyour question babe,

but I haven't seenpage of a script,

so while you'rechecking on that,

be a lamb and bringdaddy some happy juice.

Thanks.

Wow, you actually botherto read the scripts?

I don't readthe scripts.

Well that certainlyexplains Life Aquatic.

Guys, thereis no script.

This is CelebrityDeath Match,

you know,'fight to the end'.

Fight to the end?

But then the characters don'tcome away learning anything.

I don't thinkyou understand...

Is this broadstill talking?

[Buzzer]

There's our cue amigo.

We're on!

This is Tally Wong.

Best interview ever!

Let's get it on!

[bell rings]

JOHNNY: There's the bell and this one is underway!

Let's go boys.

I ain't gotall night.

What kind of productionare you running here?

No sets, no trailers,no ice chests for beer,

and let me think, therewas something else.

Oh yeah, no script!

There is no scriptyou ninnies!

That's it,I'm calling my agent.

No script huh?

Oh, I get it.

You're looking for kindof an improv thing.

I can getinto that.

What's mymotivation?

One of you ain'tleavin' here alive.

Wow, what a downer.

Hey, Ari, me and Owenare down on the set

of Celebrity Death Match.

So what's this abouta fight to the death?

Yeah, yeah, uhhuh, okay, got it.

Are we doingour own stunts?

Nobody told me we weredoing our own stunts.

JOHNNY: And Vince Vaughan goes on the offensive.

NICK: You want to talk Vince Vaughan and offense?

Two words,Thumb Sucker.

Ah!

Sorry, purelybusiness.

Home my k*lling you doesn't getin the way of our friendship.

Give it to him Vincent!

Ma, do notembarrass me here!

Why do you wantto k*ll me?

You think you're too goodfor me that you're dating...

Ow!

Don't even go down thegirlfriend road pal.

Cheryl Crowe dumped youfor Lance Armstrong.

Yeah.

Guys with testicularcancer have all the luck.

Why do youwords to hurt?

I mean why can't youuse words to heal?

You're right,no more words.

Why do you have to useyour fists to hurt?

Why can't you useyour fists to heal?

Better yet, why can't wejust fight through dance?

That's hardcore,look at that.

Totally dope.

Ow, you straightenedmy nose.

There goesmy career.

Just call meLuke Wilson.

Ah, career.

No career!

Career!

No career!

Okay Wilson, prepare to die!

But since you werein the Cable Guy,

I should say prepareto die again.

Vincent, we'reout of buttermilk.

Ma, I just aboutkilled you right there!

Hi Mrs. Vaughan.

Rule #, you don't getto talk to my mother.

Rule #, go in quickly,punch hard, get out.

JOHNNY: Owen Wilson is getting slaughtered down there Nick.

NICK: Wait a minute,what's that rope?

JOHNNY: That's not just any rope Nick;

that's BenStiller's life line.

NICK: Does he really think hecan escape on that thing?

JOHNNY:Are you kidding?

Owen's been usingit for years.

Appearing in one Ben Stillermovie buys him enough good will

to do a few stinkers beforehe needs that life line again.

NICK: Like how PamelaAnderson uses husbands.

JOHNNY:Exactly.

You can't use thatlife line forever.

Oh but I can.

Hey, you know how they say people only use % of their brain?

Well then, you won'tbe needing this.

NICK: That is goingto do some damage.

Get back here.

I'm going to go all PatchesO'hulahan on your a*s.

JOHNNY: Losing most of his brain doesn't seem to have affected

Vince Vaughan inthe slightest.

NICK: Well, what doyou expect?

He's an actor.

You know how they say people can only use % of their heart?

JOHNNY:That should do it.

I have just as much right

to that Ben Stiller lifeline as you, you b*stard.

, Ben Stiller movies.

JOHNNY: Amazing,still no effect!

NICK: I guess he's have actor, have agent.

Here's something Ilearned from Jackie Chan.

Oh dude!You punctured my ego.

What if everyone realizesI have no talent?

What if people realize I'mnothing but a big poser,

getting by onbluff and bluster.

I was born in Minnesota,of all places.

Minnesota!

Winner and still only Wilsonbrother worth a darn thing,

Owen Wilson!

Outstanding!

A fantastic battle!

That one couldn't haveworked out better for...

Nick Diamond?

That's me.

We're here to talk about your nick diamond goes wild for boys fan site.

Fantastic!

I hope you'll alsowant to talk about

my nick diamond wants to touch naked swedish girls at sleepawaycamp fan site too.

You're a sick man,Nick Diamond.

What?

Hey, let go of me!

What did I do?!

Stop it!

Help me Johnny,help meee!

Well folks that about wrapsup tonight's episode.

We'll all be back nextweek, with any luck,

to bring you another nightof pure, unadulterated blood.

So for Nick Diamond andhis entire legal team,

this is Johnny Gomez sayingand goodnight and good fight.

JOHNNY: Next week onCelebrity Death Match

it's the idiot boxgone mad!

As eight of TV's hottest hostsgo head to head

in a battle we call...

...the Banter Bloodbath!

Yeah? Well how aboutI give you a few Headlines!

JOHNNY: And it willall happen next week

on Celebrity Death Match!