06x03 - The Banter Bloodbath

[bunniefuu]

Tonight, another night of destruction so full of blood,

it would make a leech cry uncle.

It's the best damn Death Match period.

Then, can Kimmel k*ll Carson,

or does Daly destroy the Jimmy.

And finally, which news anchor

will take the Pulitzer Prize for pugilism.

It's the idiot box gone mad;

in a battle we call The Banter Blood Bath.

And it all begins right now on Celebrity Death Match.

Good evening everyone, I'm Johnny Gomez,

here as always with my co-host Nick Diamond.

And Nick, it looks

like we have a good one lined up tonight.

I guess.

Eight of TVs top hosts in one ring.

Care to make any predictions on tonight's winners?

Whatever happens happens Johnny, because frankly,

I just don't care.

It's the whole invitation thing again isn't it?

How long have we been doing this show,

and not once have I been invited

as a guest onto any other show?

It's simple professional courtesy Johnny.

I mean, we invite guests on to our show.

Yes, but we k*ll them.

Well, that's hardly the point.

And I'm not just talking Leno or Letterman here.

I'd go on any show that invited me.

I'd even go on the Craig Ferguson show,

whoever the hell that is.

Nick, it's not as simple as...

I'm not just talking out of my a*s here Johnny.

I'm a huge fan of the whole host/guest genre.

Look at this: Member - David Letterman fan club;

Member - Oprah Winphry fan club;

President - Craig Ferguson fan club,

whoever the hell that is.

Nick, it's all about demographics.

If a host feels you're right for their audience,

then they'll invite you on as a guest.

So you're saying if I figure out the right angle...

Then there's a good chance

they'll invite you on their show.

And now let's get our show started.

Take it away Tally Wong.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Please welcome our first contestants

on Celebrity Death Match,

titans of testosterone,

from The Best Damn Sports Show Period.

First up, time NBA champion, John Salley.

Boo Yah.

Next up, NFL veteran quarterback

and Super bowl champion, Rodney Peete.

In your face.

World Series champ, All Star relief pitcher,

one of the nasty boys, Rob Dibble.

Bringin the heat.

And Chris Rose.

My mom says you all have to play with me.

Okay, we only got one rule here.

men enters, man leaves.

Any questions?

Yeah, can we team up?

Son, what you do on your own time is your own business.

Cool.

Dibs on Dibble.

You take Peete.

I don't want Peete.

Well, I don't want Peete.

I don't want Peete either.

Nobody ever wants Peete.

And nobody wants you whining either.

Now let's get it on.

Screw teams, I'll take you all down one by one.

Salley, when I'm done with you

your face is gonna be bloodier than Ron Artest's fists.

Man, please?

Your threats are emptier than Vince Carter's trophy case.

Oh, this is so cool.

I can't believe I get to play with you guys.

Can I help?

Can I, can I?

Sure, go play right field... deep right field.

Okay.

Is this far enough?

Deeper.

Okay.

What an idiot.

Rodney Peete gets in a blow.

Dibble looks more confused

than Jason Kidd filling out a racial questionnaire.

And now it's two on one against Dibble.

Hold on, Chris Rose is back in the ring.

Oh cool, can I help, can I help?

Go long.

I'll throw it to you.

Okay.

Longer.

Okay.

Idiot.

Okay Dibble, you're going down

like Barry Bond's sperm count.

Give it up Rodney.

You think you deserve to be top host?

No one even remembers your career.

Hey, I was a great quarterback.

I was like Joe Montana, or Joe Nameth.

Oh, that's funny.

I always thought of you more like Joe Heisman

Rodney Peete is down and now all bets are off.

Now it's your turn Salley.

Man, that's all you got?

I'll just name this Ostertag

Why?

Because it was slow, ugly and white.

Ha ha, Ostertag.

Say hello to Brett Favre's career for me.

Brett Favre's career is dead.

Exactly.

That's it.

Peete is dead.

There are now only ,

which ties the attendance record for the MLS.

Teachers.

And Dibble stops attacking Salley

and starts attacking the fans.

But no surprise, eh Nick?

Huh?

Nick, The Best Damn Show

doesn't have stupid pet tricks.

Back in the car sucky.

Oh.

Hey guys, can I help, can I help, can I?

Okay, here's a game.

Let's pretend we're at Wrigley field

and you're Steve Barton.

Okay.

Dibble, you think you could host the show?

Hey, you couldn't host a disease.

All you ever did was bring the heat.

Time for you to try knuckle ba*ls.

Salley, you're punches are weaker

than a Terrell Owens contract.

Time for you to feel the heat.

Ah, rotator cuff!

Oh, what's the matter?

No more off the cuff comments?

I can still take a wimp like you Spider.

Bleeding out.

Wearing death.

Just grateful I'm not Marvel.

Oh my god, I win.

This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.

Wow, I'm gonna be the top host of the

Best Damn Sport Show ever.

I'm gonna do all the interviews and have all the

best damn hotties to myself and...

Put a cork in it Rose.

Okay.

Oh, oh.

Tactical mistake there by Rose.

Just a bunch of hot air.

He's higher than a Dolphin's Ricky Williams at a...well,

just higher than Ricky Williams.

Good lord, he's headed right for the...

And the winner is, Lisa Podsednik

and the rest of America.

Fantastic.

Men enter, no man leaves.

Just like Tara Reeves Limo.

I said limo right?

Right.

Then, moving on.

We'll be right back with Jimmy Kimmel versus

Carson Daly after this.

Welce to Celebrity Death Match and our special night

of fight, where TVs top hosts go head to head and head to

dead in a battle we call ThwBanter Blood Bath.

It's Jimmy Kimmel, host of Jimmy Kimmel live versus

Carson Daly, host of Last Call.

And we go right down to Tally Wong

and another edition of Tally's Corner.

Thanks Johnny.

As you might imagine, this is a big night for me,

as I got to hang out with my peers in the talk show biz.

Peers?

First up, Carson Daly, but before I talk to him it looks

like I'm supposed to interview this

concentration camp survivor.

Uh, no Tally, actually it's me Carson Daly.

Ach de lieber- you're thinner an Everybody Hates Chris plot.

Carson, you and Jimmy are going into the ring tonight

to settle who is the king of late, late, late, late,

late night talk shows.

But your shows are actually on at different time.

Explain.

Hey, at : am my rivals for viewers are detective

Matlock, who doesn't really exits,

I found out and that crazy televangelist with the white

beard, and I'm not going anywhere near that freak.

Did you know there's a snake crawling up your stomach?

Actually, that's my spine.

Egad, Jimmy, you've somehow made a career out of drinking

and telling dirty jokes to -year-old boys.

This is Tally Wong.

Thank you Tally.

Hey Jimmy, Carson, put me on your show.

Look what I can do.

Let's get down to the ring and Mills Lane.

Okay you two.

Nevada boxing rules forbid any biting,

stabbing or using expl*sives.

Fortunately, this ain't Nevada and this ain't boxing.

Now let's get it on.

There's the bell and this one is underway.

Well, well, if it isn't America's th favorite talk

show host, Carson Daly.

Guess what loser, tonight is your last call.

Good one.

Caught me by surprise.

That deserves a toast.

Ziggy, zoggy, ziggy, zoggy, oi, oi, oi.

Hey you can't to that.

Beer swilling is my schtick.

Kind of like you and... absolutely nothing.

Oh really?

Are you forgetting my work on Total Request Live.

Everybody is trying to forget you on Total Request Live.

Drinking on TV made me what I am today.

Sad, fat drunk?

Hey, I am not sad.

Let's say we revisit TRL, only this time it stands for

Totally Removing your Liver.

Ah, my liver.

Ah.

Two can play at that game!

Non alcoholic beer huh?

Outrageous.

I've heard of an eye for an eye,

but never a live for a liver.

You're right Nick, but the irony that it was Jimmy

Kimmel who gave Carson Daly his first shot on the air is

galling to everyone, not just Kimmel.

And having given Daly his first shot on the air,

it now looks like Kimmel's going to give Daly his first

shot through the air.

Oh.

Air.

Sweet life-giving air.

Sorry guys, I'll get out of your way.

Wait, Carson, put me on your show.

Look what I can do.

Um, I gotta go.

They're back at it Nick and Daly might be finding himself

out of his weight class.

While Kimmel looks like he got an A+ in any weight class

he ever took.

Well, they do say the camera adds pounds.

Well just how many cameras do we have on him?

Good one Nick.

And yet Kimmel is romantically linked to Sara

Silverman, the hot potty mouth comedienne.

Lucky b*stard.

It looks like Kimmel has rigged up a doozy for Daly.

Welcome to Jimmy Kimmel live.

Here's a little taste of my monologue.

Hey Kimmel.

Jimmy Kimmel live huh?

More like Jimmy Kimmel's dead.

Oh man, why do I even bother paying writers?

And just like the rest of America,

Kimmel is getting a painful nightly dose of Carson Daly.

Instead of what he really wants;

a daily dose Keira Knightly.

Time to end this Daly.

There's only one King of the late night talk shows and that's...

Leno, then Letterman,then Conan,

Bill Maher, and repeats of

Inside the Actor's Studio with James Lipton.

But after them it's just me, Jimmy Kimmel.

Crank, yikes.

Kimmel is using a crank to wind up Daly.

He's getting more twisted down there than a young

Charlie Sheen at a hooker convention.

Time to take you out...for a spin.

Now I'm going to go Tara Reid and drop your a*s.

Now I'm going to go Jennifer Love Hewitt on your drop your a*s.

Now I'm going to go Layla Ali on you.

I never date Layla Ali.

Who cares, she can punch like her old man.

And Daly goes down.

Kimmel moves in for the k*ll.

Daly has about as much of a chance as the national league

in the All Star game.

Any last words?

Nick, this is almost too unbearably painful to watch.

I bet Kimmel couldn't imagine going through something more

painful than this.

Pooty tang

Yup, Pooty tang.

Kimmel, I'm tired of playing around.

It's time for me to play a round of golf.

Oh, oh, looks bad for Kimmel.

As everyone know, Daly is a fantastic golfer.

Is he?

I had no idea.

But then I am a little behind in my weeklies.

Oh my god, we're at w*r with Japan!

Hooked it.

Sliced it.

Oh, he got a hold of that one.

It's in the hole.

It's in the hole.

You the man.

And that's it.

This one is over.

We're all done son.

America owes you a debt of gratitude.

And the winner is Carson Daly.

Carson takes down Kimmel, a victory for Carson Daly.

Coming up next, the main event.

Tina Fey versus John Stewart.

Oh, Fey versus Stewart.

But first we have these fine advertisements.

Oh, advertisements.

Welcome back to our Celebry Death Match.

So faronight we've see Daly KOimmel and of the Best

Damn Sports deaths ever.

And now its time for our main event.

It's a turf w*r as the Daily Show's John Stewart takes on

the ex fake anchor of Saturday Night Live,

and current fake anchor of the fake SATURDAY NIGHT

LIVE-type show, Rock, Tina Fey.

How do you see this fight Nick?

Hm?

Oh sorry Johnny.

I was looking through my latest book, which I wrote,

in which I chronicle the administration's responses to

events in Iraq.

Nick that book is not going to get you onto either show.

And why's that Johnny?

Because it's too intellectual for either host?

Because it's too probing for the administration?

No, it's because that's clearly and old CDM pop-up

book that you took, crossed out the title and wrote

what's happening in Iraq, by Nick Diamond, on the cover.

Paris Hilton is on fire, Paris Hilton is not on fire,

Paris Hilton is on fire, and Paris Hilton is not on fire.

Dream k*ller!

Let's check in with Tally Wong and John Stewart.

Johnny, I'm standing outside John Stewart's locker

room...and he's John now.

Oh my god, look at you.

Yes.

Hello Tally.

Whoa, I heard you were short, but holy crap!

Let me take off my heels.

Good lord, I'm still a foot taller than you and I'm Asian.

Yeah, okay.

I know I'm not that tall...

You're so, you're so cute.

Like a little doll, you are.

You know, that's kind of insulting.

Where's your pull cord to make you talk?

Okay, that is the rudest thing I've ever heard in my...

Hello, I'm John Stewart, would you like to play with me?

Well sure I would.

Hey, I am not a doll.

I'm smart and smug, are you?

Stop doing that!

I change my name to sound less Jewish.

Is that wrong?

Great news Johnny.

Seems the guest star on this week's Rock had to cancel

and they're looking for a replacement.

All I have to do is suck up to Tina Fey and I'm in baby.

Rock is a Sitcom.

You'd be a fake guest on a fake show doing a fake

interview.

I'm perfect!

Okay, here's my newsflash.

Fake news anchors, get it on.

Now let's get it on!

Come on Tina, this is ridiculous.

We're both smart, savagely witty people.

Do we really need to do this?

Let me put it this way John, our top story tonight, yes.

Yeah, well how about I give you a few headlines?

That was a vicious head butt from Stewart.

And Tina Fey is really bleeding from the butt.

Gallons of blood are just spewing from that butt.

That's the ugliest, filthiest butt I've ever seen.

That butt really stinks.

Oh my god, what am I saying?

Hey news boy?

You think because you're on every night you get all the

good stories.

But guess what?

You've just been scooped.

This is just sickening.

It's like watching a train wreck or that Poseidon movie.

This is the thanks I get for hosting the Academy awards?

Yes!

Is this the thanks I get for being the voice of Z-ban in

the movie Doogle?

Yes!

Is this the thanks I get for bringing a modicum of

socio/political exegesis and perspicacity

and segacious veltenschom to the airwaves?

He makes making smarty, smart on the moving picture box.

Oh, then yes!

Did I mention I was in Death to Smoochie?

[Boo]

The crowd is really hooting at John Stewart.

But not a single hoot for Tina.

Tina has no hooters at all.

I'm looking at her I'm wondering,

where are her hooters?

Uh, Nick.

Tina is showing us nothing here tonight.

She's come out completely flat.

Oh, son of a...so I should give up on Tina Fey and

concentrate on the Daily Show?

It might be best.

Can do.

Fey, when I get my hands on you you'll be deader than

Norm McDonald's career.

Colbert, what are you doing here?

Wow, this fight is like a Chris Parnell sketch;

just when it looks like it's over it keeps going and going

and going.

Hey Fey, a little word of advice.

You may think you're the hottest fake news host,

but never #@#@ with this anchor.

[Crash] [Yelling]

I am your lord of libel; I am your sultan of slander; I am...

Oh, this is delicious.

Better than bacon.

Wait, are you kosher?

John Stewart is chewing on Tina Fey's thigh bone.

Disgusting!

He's sucking the marrow from the bone.

I had no idea John Stewart was a bone sucker,

and now he's licking the bone.

Truly no one can suck and lick a bone like John Stew...

That's it, I'm done.

Incredible Tina Fey is back up on her feet...foot.

But she's shakier than a should night alibi.

Want a little journalistic tip?

Make sure you got good sources.

Me I always go straight to ... deep throat.

That took guts little missy.

You win!

Wow, a stunning end to that Celebrity Death Match.

And so, for all of us here at...Nick what are you doing?

It's my last chance Johnny.

If this doesn't get me invited on to a show,

nothing will.

Watch this, I can squirt milk from my nose.

Nick, that's fantastic.

Oh, that's blood Johnny.

That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

That wasn't supposed to happen.

If I had a show, I'd you want to be on it every episode.

Ambulance Johnny.

So for the very talented Nick Diamond and the rest of the

CDM crew, this is Johnny Gomez saying good night and

good fight.