06x04 - King of the Lil' People

[bunniefuu]

JOHNNY: Tonight there's big trouble in Tinytown.

It's the runt of the litterversus Gooey Puppy Love.

A four leaf clover versusbang bang it's over.

Plus, Ritchie Richversus the Gold Digger.

So sip your forties as webring you the shorties,

as they battle for the titleof King of the Lil People.

And it all begins right nowon Celebrity Death Match.

Hello everyone, and welcometo Celebrity Death Match.

I'm Johnny Gomez andwith me as always,

my trusted co-hostNick Diamond.

Even my namemeans bling.

And as an extra treat,

some of tonight's actionwill be brought to you

via the new CelebrityDeath Match slam cam.

A tiny camera pinned tothe chest of each fighter.

Brings you so closeto the action

you can taste thesweet, sweet blood.

[laughter]

Well Nick,I guess you can say

we have a lot of littlein the house tonight.

We sure do Johnny.

And as all theladies know,

sometimes good things docome in small packages.

But I don't mean that the wayyou think I mean that Johnny.

Well, that's a relief.

I'm talking about penises.

Tonight's first match:

Two teen dreams go toe totoe till one goes down.

It's Lil' Bow Wowversus Lil' Romeo.

Hold on there Johnny.

From what I understand,

both of them have droppedthe little from their names

and are now known simplyas Bow Wow and Romeo.

True enough Nick, but that'snothing that can't be fixed,

with the infamous CelebrityDeath Match time machine.

Hit a few buttons, twista few knobs and presto,

both Lil' Bow Wowand Lil' Romeo,

are brought backfrom the dead.

NICK: Hold on there Johnny.

Back from the dead?

Wouldn't that meanwe'd have to

first killBow Wow and Romeo

to make this work?

You weren't supposed tosay that out loud Nick.

Let's go to Tally Wong

for another editionof Tally's Corner.

[audience applause]

Thank you.

Thank youall so much.

Welcome to my show.

Did I missa meeting?

You know the slurs,

m*dget and dwarf arebandied about so shamelessly

in today's society,

but all our competitorstonight prefer the term

'little people'.

Question: Can we in aworld gone big and tall,

still find it in ourhearts to connect

with ourdiminutive brethren?

I for one amgoing to try.

Ladies and Gentlemen,my guests, Lil' Romeo,

and Little Bow...what's the [bleep]?

You're not midgets,you're regular sized.

You regular[bleep] kids.

JOHNNY: Tally, none of ourcontestants tonight

are actuallylittle people.

They all just havethe nick name Lil'.

That's gonna comeback and bite me.

This is Tally Wong.

I can't believeyou did this.

I spent years taking theLittle from my name.

Now I'm backto being ?

I don't carewhat age you are,

Romeo's gonna showyou who's king.

Beware ofthe dog, yo.

The Lil' Bow Wow is gonnaplay hard ball with your a*s.

Lil' Romeo saysit's game time.

Lil' Bow Wow ain'thearing that.

Lil' Bow Wow'sgonna go unleashed.

And Mills Laneis wondering

when all this rd personcrap is gonna end.

Now let's get it on!

There's the bell andthis one is underway.

It looks like Lil' Bow Wowis making the first move.

He ripped a page fromthe call of the wild

and is literallymarking his territory.

Oh, that hasgot to smell.

NICK: As bad as CourtneyLove's bathwater Johnny,

and Lil' Romeo doesn'tlook too happy about it.

Aaaahh.

Yeah. How's that fora roll bounce?

JOHNNY: Oh, Lil' Romeo justdissed Lil' Bow Wow

with the name ofhis popular film.

NICK: Only Lil' Romeobetter watch out;

he's not the onlyone in the ring

who's made a moviewith ba*ls in it.

JOHNNY: And it looks like Lil'Bow Wow is now taking his shot.

Fool! You're notthe only one

who's been a boxoffice disappointment.

NICK: Well Lil' Bow Wow is soconfident of victory out there;

he's dissing himselfalong with Lil' Romeo.

Kicking his head tothe bed, pass down low,

lining up for the throw.

[crowd reaction]

JOHNNY: What a shot!

[grunt]

NICK: A few more secondslike this

and it will beall over

faster than EMNEM'ssecond wedding to Kim,

or his descent intomusical irrelevance.

Whoosh!

JOHNNY: We're noton screen Nick;

no one can see you makingyour speedy hand motions.

NICK: I say again,whoosh!

JOHNNY: Wait, Lil' Romeo hasturned it around.

There's a viciousblow to the head.

NICK: Lil' Bow Wow droppedfaster than Fire Crotch

from Paris Hilton'sspeed dial.

JOHNNY: And that's fast.

Wait, Lil' Bow Wowis back up.

[grunting]

Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy now, huh?

'Cause mine's Master P.

NICK: That's gotta hurt.

Okay, enough is enough.

Somebody better putsome papers down

because Lil' Bow Wow

is about to makea mess in the house.

[shouting]

[growling]

JOHNNY: And Lil'Bow Wow

is going absolutelyCujo out there.

[screaming]

Hell no, hell no,my leg!

I'll never be able toballroom dance again!

[laughs]

[howls]

Daddy!

What's uplittle me?

Did that dog bite you?

Looks like I'm going tohave to put him down.

Unbelievable!

Lil' Romeo's dad,Master P,

is going to do hisdirty work... again.

Has he no shame?

It's pathetic Johnny.

You've beena bad, bad dog.

Time for the Alpha Maleto take care of what's what.

I'm gonna make you rollover and beg for mercy.

JOHNNY: Master P is doing ahorrible job down there.

[booing]

NICK: If he could only fight half as well as he couldn't dance.

That is one sorry assperformance Master P.

I'm voting you off.

JOHNNY: And with Master P beingvoted out of the ring,

Lil' Romeo's chancesmight actually improve.

NICK: Too late forthat Johnny.

Lil' Bow Wow is comingin for the k*ll.

Time to turn the Romeointo Little Juliet.

[screaming]

Ouch.

[falsetto]Sierra, I hardly knew ye...

And the winneris Lil' Bow Wow.

Ain't you gonna raisemy arm in victory?

Son, after whatyou just did,

I'm not goingnear you.

Outstanding.

Outstanding, painful,sickening entertainment.

And there's more of thesame coming your way

right afterthese messages.

JOHNNY: Welcome back folks

to a particular painfulCelebrity Death Match.

If you're just joining usyou've missed Lil' Bow Wow

taking on Lil' Romeo

with Lil' Romeo losing bothhis manhood and his life.

Ouch.

NICK: Amen Johnny!

JOHNNY: Coming up laterin our main event,

it's Lil' Kim,Queen of Potty Mouth Poets,

versus Lil' John,the king of crunk.

But first,it's Lil' Flip versus...

NICK: What's crunk?

It's both a style of RapMusic and a type of drink,

but first it's Lil' Flipversus...

What kind of drink?

Nobody really knows.

But first it's Lil' Flipversus...

What are youstopping for?

Very unprofessionalJohnny.

[sigh]

Next up it's Lil' Flipversus Lil' Wayne,

or the Leprechaunof Houston

versus the voo dooof New Orleans.

And the pleasure ofintroducing the contestants

is all mine.

Yeah, in thehouse Lil' Flip,

the boy from H town,the bola,

the free style king,the leprechaun,

the clover g, the geniusbehind Sexy shout outs

and crunkblessed manifestos.

Did he write his own bio?

Indeed he did, Johnny.

And up in the heezy corner,Lil' Wayne,

aka Weezy F. Baby,aka Birdman Jr., aka...

Is that a bioor a rap sheet?

I honestlycan't tell Johnny.

Well, perhaps TallyWong can clear it up.

She has both Lil' Wayne andLil' Flip standing by

in another editionof Tally's Corner.

[audience applause][♪]

Nick, Johnny,

I'm here with bothLil' Flip and Lil' Wayne,

neither of whom turn out tobe actual midgets either,

so let's just siftthrough the old questions

I put so much effortinto writing,

and see if I can findsomething relevant.

This is Tally Wong.

What's this?

Research, Johnny.

All this talk about crunkjuice me wondering,

so I had stage hand #

get me some fromLil' John's locker.

Well, be careful Nick,

from whatI understand

it's supposed to bepretty powerful...

...stuff.

Ahh!

Well?

Nothing.

Whoa, easy partner.

Anything?

It's like water Johnny,no affect at all.

If this is what allthe kids are drinking,

it's no wonder the Americanpublic school is so effective.

Well, happilywe can't say

that our next fightwon't have any effect.

Lil' Wayne and Lil'Flip are in the ring

and one of themis going to die.

Let's go down to the ringwhere it seems Mills Lane

is having alittle trouble

with Lil' Flipsignature slow style.

Yeah... Mr. Lane.I...

Understandthe rules?

Under...

Understandthe rules?

...stand.

The rules.

...the...

This is worse than having aconversation with Ricky Bobby..

Now let's get it on.

[bell rings]

Rules.

JOHNNY: There's the bell, andthis one is underway.

I'm gonna kick youto the gutter,

the gutter,the gutter.

You trippin' for realz.

[grunting]

Mini Facemay not be here,

but I still gota beat machine.

[wobbling noise]

JOHNNY: Now that's what Icall a Shamrock Shake.

I'm gonna drop you fasterthan the hit drops

from theCash Money tree.

Don't think so, thisain't your lucky night.

And Lil' Flipsurprises Lil' Wayne

with a couple of shotsof vodka, literally.

Addictions are so sad.

Gotta feel me now?

Had enough?

Is that TR?

Where, where?

I got you now,Tex-a*s.

[grunt]

JOHNNY: Oh, oh, Houston,we have a problem.

You think you lucky?

You feel lucky now?

Four Leaf Clover G, see howlucky you feel after this.

[scream]

Yow!

Lil' Flip gets a horseshoeup his badonkadonk.

Now that's what I calljunk in the trunk.

Had enough?

When I'm donew... ith you...

you gonna be slow...

Slowed and throwed?

And...

And throwed.

Slowed and throwed,you slow-assed [bleep]!

[groaning]

And this fight is goingall Lil' Wayne's way

unless Lil' Flip can finda way to flip this around,

he's done for.

It doesn't look like that'sgoing to happen Johnny.

In fact, things look likethey're only getting worse.

Lil' Wayne's turningFlip into flopper.

That's heads, that's tails,heads, heads again.

I'm callingthat one a do over.

This one looks justabout over Johnny.

Lil' Wayne isgoing to be the...

Hold on Nick,

Lil' Wayne is walking pasthis stepfather's g*n cabinet.

[g*n shot]

It's over.

Not yet Nick.

Lil' Wayne isstill on his feet.

I think he canstill... no, wait;

now he's passinghis stepfather's

machine g*n cabinet.

[machine g*n sounds]

Now it's over.

No, even after that he'sstill staggering forward,

unfortunately, rightpast his stepfather's...

[loud blast]

...bazooka cabinet.

Over.

Definitely over.

Winner, and let this bea lesson in g*n safety kids.

Lil' Flip!

Fantastic!

Lil' Flip gets Lil' Wayne toaccidentally sh**t himself.

Let's just pray thatNick Laché is watching,

and let's just pray that youdon't miss our main event.

Coming up right after this,

it's Lil' Johnversus Lil' Kim.

Welcome back everyone,to Celebrity Death Match.

So far tonight we've seenLil' Bow Wow neuter Lil' Romeo,

and Lil' Flip leadLil' Wayne down the path

to self destruction.

And now it's finallytime for the main event:

Lil' Kim versusLil' John.

As you can see, my partnerNick Diamond here,

in the hopes of gettinga better insight

into one of ourcontestants,

has been doing a littleresearch into Crunk juice.

Isn't that right Nick?

Nick?

Hello everyone,I'm Johnny Gomez,

welcome back toDelebrity Meath Catch.

And now it's timefor the main event,

that's sure to promisenothing but pain.

Who's feelingthe pain? Not me.

Not me.

Not me.

Not me.

Take it away Nick.

Standing by at ringside...

Celebrities are responsiblefor all the wars in the world.

Don't go all MelGibson on me Nick.

At ringside for a pre-fightinterview is Tally Wong.

Take it away Tally.

Thanks Johnny.

I'm here with Lil'John from Hotlanta,

a member of theeastside boys

and self proclaimedking of crunk.

Oh, and as you can see,Johnny, Lil' John is,

of course, really,really tall.

Lil' John, I see you broughtboth your crunk chalice

and a gaggle of sleazygroupies to the ring.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no needto be saying it like that.

These ladies are verytalented actresses

who graciously agreedto lend their skills

to a videothat I directed.

And the name ofthat video was?

Lil' John and the EastsideBoys, American Sex Series.

Game, set, match won.

Next question:

How do you feel about goingtoe to toe with Lil' Kim?

What?

What's that?

Nick, Johnny, I just receivedword that Lil' Kim

has refused to fight

unless we guaranteeit will lead to her

having to servejail time.

What?

Can you blame her?

It seems that these days jailtime equals record sales;

a sad, sad commenton our times.

I have got to godownload all her albums.

This is Tally Wong.

Yeah, I win!

You can't punkthe king of crunk.

Let me hear youall say, Yeah!

ALL: Yeah!

Just the ladies now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just the men now.

Yeah.

NICK: Yeah.

I am the king of allthe little people.

I'm the kingof all the lils'.

Hold it, hold it.

King of allthe littles?

I ain't hearing that?

Who else is gonnawear the crown?

You?

I don't think so.

Call me when your junkis bigger than a peanut!

All right,that's it.

Let's show him who's kingof the castle Flipper.

You said itdawg.

Looks like we got usa fight after all.

Two on one?

Just likein your video.

[Or so the Mrs. tells me]

Now let's get it on!

Outstanding.

It may not be the fightwe were expecting Nick,

but this is going to beone dynamite match up.

Lil' John versus Lil'Bow Wow and Lil' Flip.

The lamps are screaming,the lamps are screaming.

Game... over...Lil' John.

Put your...fist up.

Damn, Mushmouth.

Better movebe-yatch

because I got moveslike them U-Haul boys.

Yeah!

I'm off my chain, I'm readyto put down some pain.

And right away Lil'John is in trouble.

Two on one may be morethan he can handle.

[clang]

What?

Don't feel a thangyou throwin'.

[audience reaction]

Four out of fivecrunkers recommend this...

Whaaa!

Oooh!

Yeah!

No!

Look at this Nick, Lil' Johnhas finally spilled the crunk.

My chalice;oh heavens.

Without it I'm justa hugely successful

and talented rap starwho makes porn videos.

Oh, Lil' John hasjust been bounced.

Speaking ofbouncing...

[Laughter]

Yeah.

[screaming]

Yeah.

Now you really are hotterthan a California Raisin.

And now it'syour turn.

Time to throwup your hood.

Not so fastLil' John.

Yeah.

How youlike me now?

How you likeme now?

How you... ?

Youch.

This fight isgetting uglier

than Paris Hilton'ssinging career.

Your mother sucksrocks in hell.

That was notcrunk related.

Yo John,quit your fronting.

You ain't street,you from bucket.

You were born with a silverspoon in your mouth.

Time to spread some ofthe wealth John boy.

[screaming]

Ow!

You're grill be illin'now Richie Rich.

Now you crossedthe line.

Lil' John is gonna makelittle lunchables

out of you two.

What's that?

It's my new album,and it's da b*mb.

[laughs]

JOHNNY: He's done it!

Lil' John hasdone it.

He has emergedvictorious.

Amazing!

What'd I miss?

Only the most exciting

Celebrity Death Matchbattle ever Nick.

What's this?

Research Johnny.

All this talk about crunkjuice got me wondering.

Well folks, I can seewhere this is going.

For everyone here at CDM,this is Johnny Gomez

saying good nightand good fight.

Wait a minute, you've beendrinking tomato juice.

JOHNNY: So now she's even gother own theme song.

Tally Wong has herown theme song.

NICK: I know Johnny, I know.

JOHNNY: I don't have myown theme song.

Do you have yourown theme song?

NICK: Let it go pal,just let it go.

JOHNNY:I guess you're right.

What do you say Nick,a little more steam?

NICK: Sure, grab the ladle

and pour some more wateron the rocks.

-Johnny.-Yes Nick.

NICK: That's not the ladle.

JOHNNY: Next week onCelebrity Death Match:

It's insane vs. inane,

freak vs. beak,

and as R. Kelly Clarkson'sopponent,

we give youLudi-Criss Angel.

♪ Time to teachthis fool a lesson. ♪

♪ Put my foot inhis Chocolate Factory. ♪

And it will all happen nextweek on Celebrity Death Match.