06x06 - What Did Nick Do?

[bunniefuu]

Tonight, on display for your viewing pleasure, the basest

instincts on basic cable.

It's ego versus eyebrows.

Rapping reverend versus [Unclear] mogul.

And pirate versus pretty boy, and it all begins right here,

right now on Celebrity Death Match!

Good evening everyone, I'm Johnny Gomez and with me, as

always, is my erstwhile companion Nick Diamond.

Thrilled to be here Johnny.

So Nick, why don't you fill us in on what trouble you're

in this week, and then we can move on to the fights.

No trouble.

None?

What did you do this weekend?

Nothing really.

Mowed the lawn, hit Home Depot, nice dinner

at Appleby's...

And then?

Oh, you're right, I forgot something.

Ah, here we go.

I caught up on my net flicks.

That's it?

Sorry to disappoint you Johnny, but it was just a

nice, quiet weekend in the burbs.

That makes me very, very nervous.

First up tonight we pinch the blackberrys as the earls of

Entourage, Jeremy Piven and Adrian Grenier, square off

for small screen supremacy.

Then hip hop [Unclear] take it from a mansion to the mats

to decide which Simmons is rap's rightful ruler.

And finally it's a top notch blockbuster brawl as sexy sea

captain Johnny Depp swashes buckles with the girlishly

good looking Orlando Bloom.

Take it away Tally.

Nick, Johnny, I'm here with HBO hunk, Adrian Grenier who

is just seconds away from his fight.

So Adrian, how does it feel to be

part of the hit TV show Entourage?

Good, it's good.

You're known for being painfully cool and keeping

your distance from the press.

Why is that?

Adrian?

Huh, what?

I asked you a question.

I'm sorry, I was busy brooding.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Malibu Ken.

So you booked this gig too, huh?

I guess so.

What do you mean you guess so, you're here aren't you?

I guess so.

Don't listen to this clown.

You want a real man, you talk to Jeremy Piven.

My god, your chest, it's.

Eerily hairless, yeah.

I wax it times a day.

Eight times; is that really necessary?

Eek.

Looks like I gotta get my wax on.

Oh, looks like I gotta go throw up.

All right you two.

Hang on a sec pops.

Well, I guess it will look good in the guest bathroom.

This doesn't mean you bought Mills Lane.

Nobody buys Mills Lane.

Now let's get it on!

There's the bell and we are underway.

Yeah, I'm gonna pound you like a -year-old celebutante.

Hey man, do what you gotta do.

That's right because I'm Jeremy 'freaking' Piven,

the star of Entourage.

Star?

More like side kick.

Side kick?

Not a bad idea.

[Fighting]

That was not cool.

What are you gonna do about it pretty boy?

[Fighting]

I don't know, maybe something like that.

I didn't play second fiddle to John Kusack for years

to put up with your #$#$.

Who's John Kusack?

Well he used to be a bankable lead, but these days he can't

even get a part in a straight to DVD sequel to Better Off

Dead, which is what you're going to be when I'm done

with you.

[Fighting]

[Music]

Oh!

Jeremy is literally frowning in Adrian's beautiful blue eyes.

I've heard you're not supposed to go anywhere near

those eyes for minutes after you eat.

Oh.

[Fighting]

Okay, time for you to say hello to my

[Unclear].

[Fighting]

Oh, my eyebrows!

You're pathetic.

Until Entourage you were paying the bills by doing

voice over work for animated shows.

Get off my coattails.

Don't talk to me like I'm totally #$#$.

I'm not on your coattails.

Actually you are.

[Fighting]

I just can't strike something so beautiful.

I can.

[Fighting]

Entourage is my show, but I'm not selfish.

Let me give your career a jump.

[Fighting]

What the hell are you doing?

I'm using my Aqua Man telephathy to summon any

available sea life to come to my rescue.

Okay, one, you were never in Aqua Man.

That is a made up movie.

Two, talking to fish is the crappiest super power in the

history of comic books, and three, we're miles away from

the ocean you idiot.

There are no fish here!

Hey.

[Fighting]

Where's your Emmy now tough guy?

Thanks for reminding me.

[Fighting]

You actually carry that thing around with you?

You're pathetic.

Yeah, pathetic with an Emmy, best actor, Jeremy Piven.

Best supporting actor.

Don't ever say that word!

I am a star.

I go to the best parties, I bang the hottest chicks, I've

got Hollywood by the ba*ls.

[Fighting]

I call that the Devil Wears Piranha.

Man, why are we fighting?

I don't want to have to k*ll you.

What do you say I just give you $?

bucks and we call this thing a draw?

You can't buy me; I'm not that desperate for money.

Then how do you explain Keeping up with the Steins?

Is that $. in cash?

Wait, better idea.

What do you say we just hug it out.

No.

Yeah, let's hug it out b*tch.

[Hugging]

And the winner is Jeremy Piven.

Amazing!

Jeremy Piven literally hugged Adrian Grenier out of

existence.

What a battle.

[Phone rings]

Okay, here it comes.

Hello?

You're kidding me!

Oh no.

All right, thanks for calling.

Okay, what is it?

Someone steal your identity, your car, your kidneys?

Nothing like that.

My neighbour lost his cat, but then he found it.

Okay then folks, looks like the other shoe still hasn't dropped.

Let's just all try to enjoy these fine messages.

Welcome back to lebrity Death Match.

What's with the body armor Johnny?

Nick, don't take this personally, but you're a

lightening rod for calamity, and if you're not in some

sort of trouble by now.well, to be honest, I'm terrified.

That's ridiculous.

I mean sure I've had my share of adventures and mishaps

recently; breast implants, unintentional drug mules,

shoe fetish, music file sharing lawsuit, stand up

comedian career, mysterious pustules, stolen computer

leading to brief stardom, arrested by the government,

hooked on Crunk and countless physical accidents.but to say

that I'm some sort of magnet for misfortune is not only

preposterous, but offensive.

Nothing's gonna happen, trust me.

Take it away Tally.

Tonight I'm here talking to our opponents.

To my immediate right, Rev.

Run, former member of Run DMC turned man of faith.

And on the far end of the couch Russell Simmons,

co-founder of Death Jam Records and the man behind

the woman behind the Baby Fat Clothing line.

Russell let's start with you.

Actually, what up big bro?

Hey, for one, I'm supposed to that to you.

Let's just see you try.

Jesus got my back, who got yours?

An army of lawyers.

Oh right, sorry about that.

So, you two are brothers?

That's correct.

How exciting; sibling rivalry taken to the extreme!

Man I win hands down.

I got a record label.

What's he got?

God.

I also have my own clothing line.

I got God,

and I got a management company, a foundation,

and I'm the god father of hip hop.

I signed JC, Kanye West and LL Cool J.

I even got you on my label.

Top that.

I got God, and my own show on MTV.

You got a show on MTV?

Damn, I hate you.

Oh it is so on.

I want a clean fight.

That means no calling in Celebrity favors from you and

no divine intervention from you.

What can I say?

The big man upstairs has got my back, yo.

Yeah, well He's gonna have to take a powder during this one

or He'll have to answer to me.

Now, let's get it on.

[Unclear]

What is that Johnny,

some kind of voodoo w*r dance?

I have no idea, and something tells me neither does he.

[Unclear]

[Unclear] that b*tch.

Run is getting the crap beaten out of him.

Why isn't he fighting back?

It seems he's being a good Christian and turning the

other cheek.

What would Jesus do, what would Jesus do?

What the heck, that kick would have floor

any man!

Not Russell, sadly his wife got more than just his money

in the divorce settlement.

You can be a model for my new clothing line - Fat Lip Farm.

That's strange; as an avid supporter of animal rights

and a vegan, I wouldn't expect Russell Simmons to

have a line of leather goods.

Cut the guy some slack, he's got to do everything he can

to make ends meet.

Nick, he's worth millions of dollars.

Well, he's just a hypocrite.

That is one nice belt though.

What the.?

That's right Russell, I'm tougher than ever.

Feet don't fail me now.

What are those shoes supposed to do?

These are my famous Adidas yo.

They let me walk this way, and walk this way.

And I can also walk this way.

Gee, you'd thing Walk this Way was his only hit.

But you have to hand it to him, the shoes did their job.

Kudos to Iconic fashions of the s rap scene.

Preaching to the choir Johnny.

Preaching to the choir.

I'm about to stick these shell toes where the sun

don't shine.

[Phone rings] Justine?

Think he did what?

Well, what you want me to do about it?

Leave me alone girl.

I'm trying to k*ll Russell.

I'll whip that boy's a*s when I get home.

Oh yeah, and peace be with you.

Hey Run, I call this my Deaf Jam.

See, I jam my finger in your ear and now

you're deaf.

What?

I said.oh forget it!

I'm dropping you from the label.

Allow me to tell you the story of Cain and

dis-Abel.

What the?

Didn't you know?

I'm a yoga master.

Namaste, b*tch.

I got a couple of words of wisdom for you Russell.

Your PDA will be your salvation.

My blackberry!

Where'd you get that?

I found it in Rick [Unclear] beer.

Time for me to end this.

I don't think so.

Try to live without this.

Your voice box.

That ain't my voice box, that's my beat box.

Oh man, you haven't needed this for the last ten years.

Say your prayers bro.

This is a little something I like to call

Run's round house.

Thank you Father for giving me the

strength to deliver a serious case of whip a*s

to my big brother.

Thanks doll.

It ain't no than yo.

And the winner is Rev. Run!

What a fight.

Rev Run rins.

I mean Wev won wins.

I mean, I mean, I can't take it any more Nick,

I can't take it.

Johnny relax!

Just because nothing has happened to me doesn't mean

anything is going to happen to you.

Get away from me.

My nerves are shot.

I don't know what's coming next.

Well I do, our biggest fight of the night right after this.

Welcome back to Celebrity Death Match.

If you're just tuning in they you're two battles shy of a

blood bath.

IN our opener we saw Jeremy Piven put the squeeze on

Adrian Grenier and just before the break Rev. Run

put a holy hurt on his big brother Russell Simmons.

And now it's our main event.

Johnny Depp vs. Orlando Bloom.

Certainly Johnny, one of our biggest fights ever.

One could arrrgue Johnny.

Just leave me alone Nick.

Until something happens to you I'm not safe.

Here, take one of these.

What is it?

Something herbal to calm you down.

Ancient Chinese remedy.

There, see, all better.

[Laughs] Yeah.

Hey, how about we go to Tally Wong in the locker room.

I'm here with American ex-patriate and Hollywood

heart throb, Johnny Depp.

Tell me Johnny, how is it working with your death match

opponent Orlando Bloom?

Or Orlando was lovely.

She's one of Britain's finest actresses.

It was a pleasure working with her.

Of course it didn't hurt that she's stunningly beautiful.

Orlando Bloom is a man.

You're #$## me.

All of a sudden those movies make way more sense.

Indeed.

Plus, that's the first time we've ever bleeped out the

word 'kidding', and here's your opponent.

Orlando, you have any words for Johnny?

Just two.

You're dead.

How is that?

Were you scared?

Golly, I hope so.

I've been practicing that with my acting coach all week.

You're dead!

How was that, better?

You're positive he's a man?

That's what the internet says.

It's never been wrong before.

Back to you Johnny.

Well Johnny I think you'll agree that this is going to

be a good one.

Ha, ha, whatever.

Moving on.

Okay you two, I'll just get the obvious out of the way.

Poop deck, that's the last I want to hear of it.

Now let's get it on.

Look, you're British and I'm an affected American

Europhile [Unclear].

We should agree to fight like gentlemen.

Ouch!

You're a moron b*tch.

Okay that's it.

Prepare to die Bloom.

I'm going to send you straight to heaven.

Nobody wants to see me in the Kingdom of Heaven,

absolutely nobody.

Tense moments Johnny.

Both contestants looking for that tiny sliver of

opportunity that will mean the difference between

life and death.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like

to be your mustache.

How many of those did you take?

Oh dear.

Are you going to let him get away with that,

are you.you don't want any of this Bloom.

You can't handle the Depp.

Don't listen to him, you can take him.

Do it, do it now.

Don't do it Orlando.

Ah, go for it, kick is arse.

Shut up, shut up, Shut up, shut up, Shut up, shut up

Say hello to Ed Wood.

I picked this one up on the set of Sleepy Hollow.

Oh yeah, well here's something I picked up

on the set of Elizabeth Town.

Either I'm hallucinating or Orlando Bloom just threw a

flaming Kirsten Dunst at Johnny Depp.

While a purple elephant eats peanuts in the top row.

Sounds like a little bit of both Johnny.

Take it gander up my Cameron crow bar.

Ha, ha.

Score one for Orlando.

Scissors.

Get the scissors.

Can't tell the players without the scissors.

Ah, that's better.

That's it.

It pains me to do this, but not nearly as much as it's

going to be painful for you.

For you!

Actually this is less painful that watching

you try to act.

What are you doing?

I'm summoning the Cracken.

And now he's filling the crack in.

Brutal!

No!

Bloom, it's time to finish this with an incredible

convoluted sword fight.

You're dead!

Look, an Oscar!

Where?

Ha, ha, idiot.

You'll never see an Oscar.

You've beaten me Johnny Depp.

Finally it's time to see what's in a dead man's chest.

Wow, bottle of rum.

Who'd have thunk it?

Yo, [Unclear], can I get a belt?

And the winner is Johnny Depp.

What a battle, and what unbelievable commentary from

Nnnick Diamond.

Well thank you Johnny, and you see we've made it to the

end of the show, no problemo.

You ready to do your final line?

Okay, then for all of us here at Celebrity Death Match this

is Nick Diamond.no, no, not again.

Help me Johnny, help me.

I can't take another probing.

Oh thank god!

So for Nick Diamond and the rest of the Celebrity Death

Match crew, I'm Johnny Gomez saying good fight

and good night.

Next week, on Celebrity Death Match...

It's the queen of Mean Girls vs. the virgin teen girl;

the recently split vs. dumb as spit;

plus, a buck minus fiddy vs. rap's masta MVP.

You ain't no gangsta, you a wanksta.

And it will all happen next week,

on Celebrity Death Match.