06x07 - Where's Lohan?

[bunniefuu]

Tonight we do the k*lling so you don't have to.

It's the queen of mean girls versus the virgin teen girl.

The recently split versus dumb as spit.

Plus, a buck minus fitty versus rap monster MVP.

So k*ll the headlights and ride the skid,

this one begins right here,

right now on Celebrity Death Match!

Hello everyone and welcome to Celebrity Death Match.

I'm Johnny Gomez and with me, as always,

the one and only Nick Diamond.

That's right Johnny, Nick Diamond,

by your side just like usual.

Nothing about tonight that will cause me any discomfort

whatsoever.

Well I beg to differ Nick.

Tonight is anything but ordinary

and we start it all with this.

It's Lizzie McGuire and that party-going spitfire,

aka, Hilary Duff, versus Lindsay Lohan.

Ahh.

You okay there Nick?

Why would I not be okay?

You groaned kind of funny when I said the name

Lindsay Lohan.

Ahh.

Wardrobe?

Is this going to happen every time I say Lin...

Johnny, please!

I'm not a young man anymore.

Introduce the other one.

All right then.

Here she is, the reigning champion of Disney tween queens,

ladies and gentlemen, Hilary Duff.

And the reigning champion of going commando,

ladies and gentlemen, Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan.

Well, I guess with her party girl reputation,

we should have expected this.

But it seems Lindsay Lohan is late Nick.

Well, I'm not the father.

I've never gotten closer than outside the window,

and I cleaned up.

I did not leave anything behind.

Nick, I meant she isn't here at the arena yet.

Oh.

Is there something you want to tell...

Take it away Tally.

Thanks Nick.

I'm here with Hilary Duff, singer, actress...

And I own my own clothing company, Duff Stuff,

which little girls can spend all their allowance on.

And I do lots of charity work and I go to church and I like

to do gymnastics, go swimming, read,

write and hang out with my older sister.

Wow, when do you find time to eat?

I have my assistants do that.

Where's the other one?

What's her name? Lohan?

Ahh.

Not here yet.

Well I ain't waiting for some spoiled little actress.

We got death to deal out.

[Whistle blows] Next fight.

Next fight?

What about me?

Nick, Johnny, Jessica Simpson and Mrs. Nick Simpson.

Stop that!

Let go of me.

What are you doing?

I'm showing the world that I've moved on.

It can't hurt my career to be seen kissing Sandra Oh,

star of Gray's Anatomy, right?

I'm not Sandra Oh, you moron.

But you're someone, right?

If I'm seen with you it will help my career

and self esteem, right?

Hey, look at me, I've moved on.

I will pay you to stop doing that.

Seriously?

How much, because I'll take it?

Mrs. Nick Simpson everyone.

Okay you two lovebirds, you know the drill.

Till death do you part.

Now let's get it on!

Well, well, well, if it isn't the pizza sl*t girl.

I can't believe you dumped me.

Plenty of other chickens in the sea Nick, and besides,

these boots were made for walking.

And Jessica takes an early lead.

If Lachey isn't careful, this fight is going to be

shorter than wee man.

How does that feel, huh?

How's Betsy?

Hey, make like Casey Cobb and quit.

Ouch!

What the hell is in there?

All of my platinum records.

Well that's not fair.

Pookie, you know I can't fight fair.

I've got these in my way.

Yeah, she's got double Ds.

You can't cover those suckers up.

Daddy, sit back down.

Double Ds, double Ds.

That from a Baptist minister no less.

Yup, a little creepy.

To be honest Nick, I'm kind of surprised stars of their

magnitude agreed to show up tonight.

Are you kidding?

Both Simpson and Lachey are well know publicity hounds.

Put a camera in front of it,

these two would show up to the opening of a door.

Hey simpleton, look over there.

Where you are, take my breath away, I belong to me...

Yeow!

Public affair.

More like pubic unfair.

It took me hours last night to write that joke.

Well it might not be easy for you,

but it sure is easy for Nick Lachey.

Jessica is getting mauled down there.

She's looking worse than the before picture

in her proactive ads.

Now just try to be a spokesperson

for operation smile.

You look about as happy

as someone leaving the employee of the month.

That's it!

I've had it with you.

[Yelling]

Jessica tosses Lachey aside, but her rebounds right into

the arms of Kristen Cavalari.

Look at me, I've moved on.

Now it's your turn.

Now Jessica's in ropes.

She rebounds right into Johnny Knoxville.

Can't get any worse than that.

Wait, she's rebounding again and slams into Bam Margera.

Oh man, was I ever wrong.

And now she's flown into the arms of that hideously ugly,

deformed, horse, monkey man, beast.

Uh, no that's John Mayer.

What's with the fake tan?

You look like an Umpalumpa.

All the magazines that daddy got me in say you can never

be too tanned, too rich, or too tan, or too tan either.

Well then I got something for you.

Happy divorce baby.

Oh my god, you remembered my divorce.

That's so sweet of you.

Yeah, a George Forman tanning bed.

[Scream]

Where was I? Cabo?

I saw a bright, light, light.

You are so stupid!

Look I know you're just mad that my career blew up

and yours didn't, so here.

Here's something to help you along.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

You forgot to pull the pin out.

How am I supposed to know?

It's not like I'm an army worker or anything.

Who doesn't know?

It's like the basis of every bugs bunny cartoon.

You take the grenade and you pull the pin out.

Duh - like this.

Oh, oh.

[Bang]

Whee! Hooray!

And the winner, Jessica Simpson.

Ha, ha, I get % of that win.

Well Joe Simpson my get % of the victory,

but % of the exciting entertainment was yours,

and we'll be back with more right after this.

Welcome back to Celebrity Death Match.

Nick we had a bit of a snafu at our first fight when the

bout between Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan was delayed

because Lohan didn't show up.

But I'm getting the signal we're ready to go.

So if you turn your attention once again to the ring,

ladies and gentlemen, Hilary Duff.

And finally, her opponent, ladies and gentlemen,

Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan.

You have got to be kidding me!

What is wrong with this woman?

I don't understand it Johnny, Lindsay should be here by now.

On nights when she has a non-dinner appointment

she starts getting ready between : and :,

taking a - min. shower;

gets dressed between : and :,

turning on the living lights and activates her alarm system

by : at the latest; and pulling out of the garage

no more than seconds later.

Her garage door takes . seconds to close.

It can almost crush a leg too.

Do you think we should worry?

Not about her.

Okay, next fight.

She shut me out again!

What am I, Tara Reid at a Hollywood night club?

Let's go to the locker room with Tally Wong.

It's a classic tale.

A tumultuous relationship between a mentor

and a protégé that would make even Shakespeare say, damn.

Fifty Cent took The Game under his wing,

but as soon as the chick flew the coop this friendship

became a rap feud of biblical proportions,

and its effects are still being felt.

Fifty Cent feuds With The Game;

The Game feuds with G-Unit; G-Unit feuds with R. Kelly;

R. Kelly feuds with toilet training,

and swept up in all the excitement Jay Z.

accidentally feuds with himself.

Mr. Game, explain.

Hey I'm all about peace and spreading the love,

that's the way it has to be; like my man Martin Luther King

and my girl Aaliyah and my brother Kanye West.

Oh, and word to Left Eye, RIP baby.

Dr. Dre, Marvin g*y, Jam Master J...

oil of Olay, tea tray and the month of May.

Also, all games out there who are my homies,

shout out to pac man, frogger, hopscotch,

candyland, chutes and ladders and all the cabbage patch kids.

I'm sorry, I kind of dozed off there.

Anyone else?

No?

Okay then, all the way from In da Club,

it's Fifty Cent.

What's with him?Is he asleep?

How am I supposed to ask him questions?

Tada!

I was acting, just like in my movie Get Rich or Die Trying.

Ah, the movie after which critics mentioned your name

in the same breath as Marlon Brando.

Cause my acting was so good.

No, because they wish you had also died in .

Okay, Fiddy, Game, here are the rules.

Try to k*ll each other.

Just like in real life.

Exactly!

Now let's get it on.

Man, I'm surprised you even showed up in the ring.

I'm gonna whip your hide boy.

Shut up, you ain't no gangster, you a wankster.

Time to sign you to my new label.

Sockafeller.

Oh, [Unclear].

I'm gonna knock some sense into you...some Fiddy sense.

The Game is knocked out of the ring!

He dropped out of sight faster

than a Suge Knight record label.

Mmm, time to replenish with some great flavor

vitamin water.

Here Fiddy, it's your death day.

I'm gonna party like this is your death day.

We gonna drink Bacardi like this is your death day.

It's gonna take more that to stop me.

Now why don't you quit pretending to be a player

and just go home.

Home?

You know where I live?

Yeah, in Mike Tyson's old Mansion.

That's right, and here's another way I'm going

to be like Mike.

Oh, oh.

And now a big hello to the g...g...g...unit.

I bet you never had your jewels crowned like that.

Not since I told Big Phase I like to listen to Rob Thomas.

And now these two are going at it Johnny.

This fight is getting vicious and Fiddy Cent just pulled

a fast one.

I'll say.

That trick was dirtier than Dave Navarro's sheets.

But the game isn't done.

He's dropping hits like the Chicago Cubs drop games.

Yeah, now you can play the part of B-Dup.

Why do we got to be fighting?

You know, you're right.

We cool, the feud is off.

The feud is off?

That's terrible Johnny.

Just wait for it.

[cough]

Are you dissing me?

Okay, it's back on.

Bring it on [bleep].

Bingo!

You can always count on a Rap feud Nick.

I'll never underestimate you again Johnny Gomez.

And the action is heating up again and it is truly

getting ugly down there.

Uglier than mother's day at Eminem's house.

Look out, The Game is in deep trouble.

He hasn't been this deep in trouble since,

well, waist deep.

He was Meat in the film and it looks like he's about

to become meat in the ring.

You would not run with Fiddy Cent fool.

You can't stop me.

I've been shot times.

So, I've been shot times.

Think that makes you better than me?

Well, what I didn't say is, I still got the b*ll*ts in me.

Bang, bang you're dead.

Fiddy b*ll*ts from inside his body.

Game over.

Ah, dang.

The irony!

Incredible, The Game got played.

And it goes to show Johnny, g*ns don't k*ll people,

b*ll*ts k*ll people.

Next up on our dance card it will be Hilary Duff

versus Lindsay Lohan.

Or will it?

Stay tuned and find out right after this.

Welcome back everyone,

to the main event here on Celebrity Death Match.

Its been a night of heart stopping action and for

Nick Lachey and The Game, I mean that literally.

Lachey was outfoxed by the foxy Jessica Simpson as he

went head to head with her in a battle of wits, and lost.

Which hardly seems possible.

True enough Nick, but at CDM, anything's possible -

like taking out your opponent with b*ll*ts that were

actually in your own body...

which is just how Fiddy Cent took down The Game.

And now we bring you the last fight of the night,

Lindsay Lohan versus Hilary Duff,

or at least we're hoping to.

Amazingly, Lohan has still not arrived at the arena.

We do have a special guest though.

Here to talk with us about Lindsay is her mother.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dina Lohan.

My daughter has done nothing wrong.

She's a saint.

I wish the world would just leave her alone and let her

get on with her dream, allowing me to live

vicariously through her,

while also making me rich and famous.

Mrs. Lohan, your daughter plays hard, she parties hard,

but sometimes it seems she doesn't work hard.

Some had said you're too quick to defend your....

I withdraw the question.

Look, there's a perfectly logical explanation

for my daughter's behavior.

The fact is, she has a stalker.

A stalker?

That is serious.

She's terrified.

This guy even rammed his SUV into her vehicle in the hopes

that she'd pull over so he could meet her.

[Laughter] That's crazy!

Who would do that?

You drive an SUV don't you Nick?

Well, lots of people have SUVs.

He even scratched the letters ND on the outside

of her bedroom windows.

Well I wonder what that can stand for?

Not Diamond?

Hold on! She's here.

Lindsay Lohan has entered the ring.

Let's go down to the ring with Tally Wong.

I guess better late than never, right Lindsay.

Well, I figured I'd better go shopping,

then I had to stop at that new hot restaurant downtown

and then I did a quick piece for Entertainment Tonight and

then I had to shop more.

Fascinating.

And at any point in time did you think to yourself,

feels like I'm supposed to be somewhere else?

I did, yeah, like I was supposed to be on set

or something, but that's not like mandatory unless

they're doing a close-up.

Interesting, but still doesn't explain why you let

people take pictures of your gear flaps when you getting

off the boat at the Venice Film Festival.

Tally!

Oh piss off Gomez, what are you going to do,

bring back Stacy Cornbread?

Okay, let's get this started.

You don't make people wait for you.

It's not professional.

Whatev.

Can I hit her?

What America's been waiting for.

Now let's get it on.

I'm gonna take you down a peg Lohan.

That is if you can get any lower than just my luck.

That's the best you got?

Look honey,

I had a feud with Jessica Simpson, Ashlee Simpson,

Paris Hilton, P. Diddy

and Brandon Davis and I come out on top every time.

So just shut it, or better yet, I'll shut it for you.

Ow! Not the hair; don't ever touch the hair.

Don't make me go all Cody Banks on your freckled a*s.

Oh, I'm so scared, material girl.

Ow!

You're so hateful.

I can't believe Aaron Carter ever dated you.

Who?

Duh! That guy we're fighting over.

Please, that was when I was like .

Move on.

I dated all of Hollywood since then.

No kidding.

Why don't you just change your name to Lucy Lohan,

only you can spell it L O O S E Y.

And you can start spelling Hilary L A M E A S S.

That's all you got?

Just getting started.

My blows come cheaper by the dozen.

You can't hurt me as much as you hurt deep down inside.

I'm a good child from a good family with a daddy

who hasn't been to jail.

Okay, time to beat the stuff out of Duff.

Lohan attacks Duff with her shoe.

It's a brutal footwear based as*ault.

Like father like daughter.

Hi god, it's me Hilary.

Ow! A little help please.

Take a look at this Nick.

Somehow a completely stocked, open bar has appeared

in the ring.

God be praised.

Oh, breakfast!

Lohan goes for the bar.

Hilary Duff might have just cheated death and been given

a second chance.

Or if you include the perfect man, a third chance.

All Hilary Duff has to do now is wait for Lohan

to reach her limit and pass out.

Can't you make this go any faster?

Now that's what I call fully loaded.

You really think you can beat me like this?

I can't believe it.

Believe this b*tch!

Now who's fire crotch?

Oh, you broke off my arm.

Lindsay's limbs are beginning to snap off like twigs.

And is it any wonder?

That girl is thinner than the crowd at a K-Fed concert.

Her hard partying and devil-may-care-attitude

are finally coming back to haunt her.

The winner by a nose and also two legs,

two arms and a torso...Hilary Duff.

Duff wins; Duff takes down Lohan and Nick I don't think

anyone expect...

Where are you going?

Something to do Johnny, goodnight.

Well then folks, I guess it's just me.

For all of us here at CDM saying, until next time,

good night and good fight.

Good night Mr. Gomez.

Good night.

Don't worry my sweet,

soon everything will be back to normal.

I'll make everything better.

Oh Nick, why, in god's name...what are you doing?

I'm doing what has to be done Johnny,

I'm bringing Lindsay Lohan back to life.

I'm sorry Nick, she's never coming back.

No!

She just needs that one last jolt,

and I have just the thing.

Size negative jeans.

Oh my god!

If I diet some more I can totally fit into those!

She's alive Johnny, she's alive!

Oh Lindsay, fire of my loins, light of my life,

speak to me my goddess.

I recognize you.

You are stalking me.

Yes, I was your stalker.

She's back Johnny.

Back and better than ever.

Mmm...want to get dinner?

Um, okay.

Thank you Li-Lo, thank you.

Next week, on Celebrity Death Match...

two gorgeous losers try to finally win one ugly,

a lame goy tries to tame a wild boy...

I'm gonna wipe my a*s with you!

...and our main event: Barry Bonds vs. Bud Selig!

And it will all happen next week on Celebrity Death Match!