01x07 - The One About Jilted Jen

[bunniefuu]

I'm Andy Milonakis and I love fly women

almost as much as I love to go swimming.

Never go to the gym, but if I did,

I'd be jamming. If I could stop eating, I

might start slimming.

Well, we've been walking all

night. My dogs are barking.

This is it, Malibu. Match

the specific ocean mutations, ain't

it, buddy? Pastor Sunblock popping

up.

I got your back straight.

Ready to catch up? Run over to those

beach bums. We'll pretend they adoptedus.

Fans, how wasted do we get at that bar

mitzvah last night? I don't remember

picking up a couple of dogs.

We've had worse, buddy. It's those two

wedding ******** Owen and Vent.

Strays on the beach.

He's on strays. There are pets. They

are, of course, they are telling me,

handsome. I can't. A couple of guys

hang out on the beach wearing suits

with their faithful dogs, Muffin and and

lovable Little Fugly here. Then

I better not catch these flea bags on

the beach without you ****** ****. We'll

put a double bagger.

All right, we did our good deed for the

day. Now let's hit that strip club with

the breakfast buffet. No can do, babe. I

got to put in some FaceTime with

Jennifer. Ohh. Weepy pants. I'm sh**ting

dodgeball, too. In Vegas. Six weeks. Jens

gonna freak out. She hates being alone.

Bring Gendy strays. They can keep her

company while you're dodging ba*ls.

These dogs are so money. This one

looks like Jon Favreau put Dougie. Watch

your finger *******.

Vince, Baby.

I hear she cries at a drop of a hat.

Ohh where did these Beautiful Creatures

come from? I just wanted to get

you a present because you're so money

honey, I love them.

It was my left nut. Ohh fence.

This one has your eyes.

This is the perfect way to prepare us for

a family of our own. I'll change their

diapers, you'll breastfeed them, and

we'll never be apart. Well, here's the

thing. Remember my movie Dodgeball? Sure.

I laughed. I cried, right? Well, they're

doing a sequel Dodgeball, too. Nobody

wins. So I got to go to Vegas for

six weeks to sh**t the thing. But you

won't be too lonely because you got these

pups, right?

You're leaving me No2 little

ones muffin and.

Get out now, I

never wanna see your

big puffy freaking face

again. Ohh my babies,

you're all I've got.

Now where's my new

assistant?

Sorry I'm late, Rach, I'm Miss

Anniston. It got your groceries in

the new issue of Them Weekly.

Ohh I forgot he started a Fight Club

with your heart.

That's the Joey dude from that bad

spin-off show. What's it called called?

Cancelled cause Matt was stank. There's

clearly no future for Vince and I. It's

just me and my darling little angels. She

talked about us. So Matt, could you

please feed them, take them to the park,

bathe them, read them a bedtime story and

put them to bed?Why? Ohh remember

to tell them I love them

very much. Celebrity motherhood is so

demanding. Yes, your

Majesty. Ohh, Matt. Just make

sure my baby's get anything they

desire. Anything. I love you, Mama.

I find this degrading and I drink out

of a toilet. I'm loving it. Since the

dawn of time, humans have been telling

dogs what to do. It's payback time, baby.

Reparations are biatch.

Hey, bad doggie.

Ohh man I can't believe how Bora fallen.

I can. He was a dumb guy on a

show full of idiots. I'm out of here.

On second thought.

Google Gaga.

Baby formula ain't even room

temperature. Joey and somebody cancel

my life.

No boyfriend, no friends, no. I suppose

I'll just spend the day downloading

Morrissey and Fiona Apple songs. You

should check out Me Place. I used it

to make some new friends until my

computer got repossessed. What a great

way for me to get my life back

on track. It's Jeff's

favorite website.

Some guy named Uncle Buck naked.

And he says he'll buy me ice cream.

It's just a matter of time before Jeffrey

spots me. Matt, could you hold the camera

while I take my meat place photo?

Means Missus Smith, I

mean stupid. I'm ready

for my user friendly

meat place profile close

up. OK smile.

What I tell you, Wolf, Now I just

sit back until Jeffrey sees me and sends

jilted Jenna friend request. Hell, the

whole world will see me. Everyone's on

me, please.

Look at this, I finally finished

filling out my profile. I am

officially a map placer. Soon we'll

have thousands of. Friends, I'm so

happy I could cry. Ohh look your

sockets jilted Jen and only care about

my best friend Jeffy. Is that him?

Ohh it's my very first friend request

and her name is Music lover.

Almost as much as I love music,

but only good music, like Bull Base,

Ashley Simpson, and my all time favorite,

Ryan Cabrera. Yes, did I mention I'm

doubt :] XOXO? XOXO. Ohh,

look at you miss popularity here

Jennifer. I like your profile because I

have the same hobbies as you, crying and

weeping and we even have the same

haircut. Ohh God I'm so lonely. You're

friended blood. God kid, they're miss

Aniston late at night whenever the mortar

fire gets too intense here and kaboom.

DVD of Along Came Polly and fall asleep

within minutes. Thanks for supporting the

troops. Hi Jennifer, I'm Uncle Buck naked

and I'd like to buy you ice cream.

Hey pretty lady, if you really want to

make friends and win the respect of your

fellow meat platters, stick your junk all

up in the camera.

Sexy girl.

Do you really think he's gonna spot

you? Do you? Hey, anything's possible.

Let me know when you want to

join me back in the real. Please

be careful. My baby's not old enough

to masticate. That's what you think

You've got to feed him like a loving

mother bird feeds a baby chick your Mama.

Now start masticating boy.

Really hope I learned that Mattress king

commercial.

I don't care what you say. Well, if I'm

not moving from this computer until I

hear from little Jeffy.

Damn, you're still up. You heard anything

from your owner? Who? Ohh. Yeah. Jeffy.

No, no, no, not yet. But some yoga

instructor in Dallas just sent me some

pretty hot photos of her Maltese. Totally

hairless, and I don't see what all this

fuss is about this. Ain't cook guy. I

mean I'm funnier than him. Dog, if you

don't get off that thing, you're gonna

become a meat place addict. You need to

get out of the house. I'm taking you for

a walk. Ohh please. I can quit anytime I

want to. I got another

friend request. Is it choppy? Is it

Jeffy? Ohh, it's a secret admirer who

wants to meet tonight. He's a big fan of

friends. I could be anybody. And he loves

all my movies. Ohh, well that narrows it

down. Ohh, I feel so empowered. I'm going

to take a chance on this guy. I will

meet you. Nobody even jolted. Jen is

going out to get us some action. Come

on, let's find us a little poochie Walla

poochie bang, bang. Find us a little

poochy while a poochy Bang Bang.

Bad friends.

Looks like I'm with stupid.

My man, I gotta get out of

this oppressive environment. Pick me out

an outfit, shampoo my eyes. I'm going

to get sniffed tonight.

We're gonna walk into the coolest club in

Hollywood.

And walk me to the dance floor.

Christian from Laguna Beach. Ohh. Matt

LeBlanc from the 90s.

Hit hard times, just like my last

fling, Nick Lachey.

You're losing. This is turning me on.

You can call me anything you want.

From Laguna Beach, I thought that was

Christian Cavallari. Ohh,

she you won. Classy lassie.

My favorite boy was the

kid speak and spell AEIOU.

You are Great Dane lol it's

a great point Muffin. You know,

I'm glad we spent this time

together. Me too Doug, and thanks

for the beer.

Put your party animals, take it outside.

You're invading my space. I wonder how

Jennifer made out with this secret

admirer. We get a lot more than make out.

I'm going to be Missus Owen Wilson.

Oh, oh, I love you, Jen. I

want us to have 18 children, none

of them second hand third world adopted

ones either. May in the US A.

Excuse me, I gotta go blow my nose. I'll

be back in an hour. Ohh. Wilson is

mounting his best friend's female. That's

cold. Yeah, well, Vince must have

forgotten the Marcus territory. Matt,

alert the paparazzi. Tell them Owen and I

are getting married this afternoon. And

if they show up in Malibu, Dr. You

will not be allowed to take photographs.

I value my privacy. Ample parking behind

the liquor store at the dogs.

I don't want to leave if we get a friend

request from Japan.

Three Sundays.

Wow, I can't believe we're at Jennifer

Aniston's annual wedding. Who cares? I

got to get back online. That's where

real life is. What if little Jeffrey

sending me a friend request right now?

Ohh, well I'm losing it.

Help desk. Go go.

Get ahold of yourself, dog. You're going

through withdrawal. You're right. I have

a problem. So remote. When they ran out

of meatballs. How about this spinach

quiche? How about you clean that mess?

You know cheese gets me all clogged up.

I thought that we were cool. Ohh,

that don't mean you could slack

off you big dummy. Damn you

tiresome. Ohh,

well I gotta admit, no expense spared at

dispatch. They even got Tarantino to

direct a winning video. OK, Courtney

David, say hello to the Brighton crew.

OK, now cue the ninjas.

The world's most famous chef.

Hello children. We're not children, we're

dogs. Quit.

Ohh Maddie my boy, I dropped off

a little wedding gift for you back

there. Sorry, I

didn't have time to wrap it. No

regifting. Alright, this is Blue Bulldog.

I thought we were friends, Muffin, but

you're nothing but a spoiled Hollywood

brat. I'm done with these lame mutts.

I cleared.

Here comes the bride.

I got to get back to me. Please. How long

is this going to take? The ceremony is

going to last longer than the marriage.

Checking out your river, running the

house, that's where it's gonna go with

little something like this, do you?

Take this.

Woman. To

be your. The wedding.

Since you can't marry Owen,

Why? He's the sidekick, married

the leading man.

Sorry you missed your chance. She is



Isn't that right Jennifer?

Looking like Owen Wilson. An

apology. I am sorry, Owen.

I am so, so sorry.

Come on baby, let's go make them

money. Baby, let's make 100. Let's not

get crazy. I now pronounce you celebrity.

Couple of them, old man.

Now let's take this party back to me,

please. I know, Jeffrey. See my Photo by

now. I know it.

Boot up your crap top. I'm

telling you dog, you're just going

to be disappointed. Kind of like

how Matt was by me. What's

up with the ugly?Ohh, he

loves staring at the computer.

Your family.

But you know what, Vince? You're

the only friend this girl needs.

I'll be there for you.

Game over buddy. Come on, we are

out of here. Kids,

I posted a bulletin on me place to find

the dogs a new owner.

Come in.

Hey, you look familiar. Have we met

you? You probably saw my meat place

profile. I'm Animal lover 287.

These little angels, Yeah. And if you

don't mind, get them out of here. It's

starting to stink the place up.

That's a bad man. Don't let

him take us. Don't worry, Buffered.

I'm not going to hurt you.

I'll leave that to my newest

assistant. It's payback time, Morphin.

Someone in Hollywood actually hired you?

Well, that's a shocker.

I'll get the beach was no day at the

beach. Ohh I got no one to blame but

myself and the freaking Internet man dog

we all the same. We just want some love

and affection and some friends and some

grub and a roof over our heads and.

I'm just lost.

Where am I?

Enough with the bread already.