10x10 - Series 11: The Unseen Bits

[bunniefuu]

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to
Would I Lie To You? —

the show that sorts
the facts from the fibs.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

all the way from The One Show
studio, it's Alex Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And he's the Crimewatch copper
turned Scam Interceptor —

Rav Wilding.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Lee Mack tonight,
stand—up comedian

and star of Scared Of The Dark,
it's Chris McCausland.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a comedy actress
and bona fide national treasure,

say Hi—De—Hi to Su Pollard.
Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, I'm clapping myself.

We begin with round one,
Home Truths, where our panel lists

read out a statement
from the card in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

Chris is first up tonight.

"All these years I have been
pretending to be blind.”

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If only. Lee,
would you read that for me, please?

"Every night I use an unusual
technique to make sure

"I wake up on time in the morning."
Oh.

Right, David's team. OK, so,
what is the unusual technique?

The usual way of making sure
you wake up in the morning

at the right time would be
to set an alarm clock. Yes.

Yeah. I've heard of that. OK.

So, and you do something different.
Well, we don't need to know what.

I think we will go true.

What I've done is I have trained
my brain to wake itself up...

No, you haven't.
..at the right time.

By doing what?
When I'm lying in bed,

I will bang out the time
on the pillow with my head...

Right. ..saying the hours
for the time that I want to wake up

and that subconsciously
programs the time.

Chris? Yes? Are you all right?

LAUGHTER

And how accurate is this? 50/50.

LAUGHTER

Where did this idea
come to you from?

I read it in a book.

LAUGHTER

What was the name of the book?

The book was called
Last Man Standing.

It was a fictional book, David.

It was a fictional book from which
you were taking lifestyle tips.

Well, do you know when you read
something and it sticks in your head

as an idea to try?
This may help you, David.

Give us a demonstration,
if you would,

of the severity of the head bang.

You're settling down at the end of
the night. OK, Lee, I'm going to

turn around a bit and use you
as a pillow. All right.

So I'm in bed.
I'll put my arm there, yeah?

Me pillow's firmer than that.

LAUGHTER

So I want to get up at 7:30
in the morning, so I'm like, I go,

one o'clock, two o'clock,
three o'clock, four o'clock,

five o'clock, six o'clock,
seven o'clock.

And if I want to get up
at 7:30, I go, 7:30.

LAUGHTER

Um, Chris, I don't know
whether you've got a partner

or a wife or somebody
who shares a bed with you.

He used to have a wife,
he headbutted her to death.

LAUGHTER

Is there anybody else
in the bed with you, Chris?

Um, yeah, so, I, I mean,
I tour a lot, um...

So some nights yes, some nights no.

LAUGHTER

I tour a lot, I'm away a lot, but
when I'm at home I do have a wife.

I mean, I have a wife all the time.

LAUGHTER

What are you thinking, David's team?
Alex, what do you think?

Oh, it's so unbelievable
it's believable. Yeah.

And also I do think that if you
tell yourself you need to wake up

at a certain time,
the chances of waking up then

are higher than you'd think,
it's not totally random.

Well, let's give it a go tonight.
Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, you make it sound
as if you're sharing a bed.

LAUGHTER

So I think you're saying it's true.

Are we happy to say true?
I think that, too. Yeah.

I think we're going to go with true.
OK, Chris, they think

you were telling the truth.
Were you or was it a lie?

Everyone'll be trying it
tonight, it's true. Yes!

Yes, it's true. Chris does use
an unusual technique to wake up.

Rav, you're next.

During my driving test,
the examiner made me pull over

because he'd spotted someone
breaking into his house.

Lee's team.
Driving test or driving instruction?

Driving test. You're actually
on your test, and...

Test.

How old were you then?

Uh, 18, I think. And talk us through
the conversation.

I was going down
the dual carriageway,

that bit was fine,
and then we pulled off

and we went to a residential area, I didn't know
the area. You just changed that, didn't you?

"We were going down the dual carriageway, uh, and
then we pulled off and went to a residential area."

I remember that... Where houses are
that can be broken into.

Yes, carry on, Rav. And we pulled
off and he screams, "Stop!”

Just screamed stop? Stop.
So I stopped the car.

So you stopped the car. And he ran out. So he
got out and did he even say what he was doing?

He ran to a house that had a ladder outside.
He didn't tell you anything, he just ran

out of the car? No, he just ran. So at this point
you're thinking, "I'm not doing very well, am I?"

But I knew something was up
because...

He'd said stop and ran
out of the car. No, because...

Exactly the same thing
happened on my driving test.

LAUGHTER

He just ran out the car and ran to the house
that had a ladder on the outside because

he thought someone was breaking into
the house, which I later found out.

Right, talk us through
then what happens.

He came back and said, "No—one's
breaking into the house,

"it was the window cleaner."”

I've got a question for you.
That house must have been empty,

otherwise he wouldn't have been
so panicky, correct?

Quite possibly, I don't know.

Where was the window cleaner
getting the water?

An outside tap? I... I would...

LAUGHTER

All right, what are we thinking?
Su, what do you make of this?

Well, you see, I'm just thinking

the examiner could have actually
liked the look of that house

and said stop and dashed up
because he probably thought,

"I just want to see if there's
anything worth myself burgling.”

Oh, you thought he was the burglar?
Yes, he could well have been.

So you thought my examiner
turned burglar? Yeah.

There's an angle
we hadn't thought of.

Yes, did he have any jewels
when he came back? Yeah.

I like the way Su thinks her job
here is to develop the story.

Su, I could see you and Rav
prime time BBC One

as a new crime—fighting duo. He's
very much the traditional copper,

but you think a little bit
outside of the box.

Oh, I'd be like Sister Boniface.
Who's Sister Boniface?

She's a nun who is a detective.

What channel's Sister Boniface on?
Uh, 20.

Channel 20. Channel 207!

I've not heard of
Channel 20 or Sister Boniface,

but this is...
I'm going to write this down.

What do you reckon, Chris?

So, do I think that Rav had to
stop his car in a driving test

because the driving instructor
saw a man on a ladder at his house

and thought he was a burglar
but it was the window cleaner?

Yes, I do.

You think it's true. Wow.
Susan Pollard. Oh, dear.

Um, I'm going to go it's, uh...
What are you thinking?

I'll help you with your dilemma.

Well, you've been hopeless so far,
you're not giving me any...

LAUGHTER
You think out loud, Su.

Can I just say?
Your character in Hi—De—Hi

I always thought was an exaggeration
of your character,

turns out it was toned down,
wasn't it? It is true, true.

You're saying true, we'll take that.
You're going for true? True.

I'm going to go with my team—mates
and say it's true. OK.

Rav, you've convinced them, but
was it the truth or was it a lie?

It is, in fact...

...a lie. Ah. Ahh.

Yes, it's a lie.

Rav didn't have to pull over
during his driving test. Oh.

I'm filled with trepidation as I say
these next words — Su, you're next.

LAUGHTER

Oh, God, I wish I was dead. Erm...

LAUGHTER

No, I don't really. I once had to
reprimand a pantomime cow

when it started an argument
with itself.

David's team. Oh. OK. Right.
Which panto, Su?

The clue is a pantomime cow. Yes.

So, just deduce how many pantos
that you can remember the title of

and that would help you to get...
Jack And The Beanstalk.

Yes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

She's, uh, she's turned the tables
on us. Yeah, we've helped her, yeah.

I've helped her. And what happened?
I was Jack.

You were Jack. Yes, right. Was this
when you were already known?

Yes, I suppose, yeah.
In people's houses,

not burgling with no steps,
like the ladders.

Oh, do you remember the good old days
of entertainment when there was no steps?

Ah, they were a great group.
I just did it for comic effect.

Yeah. But that's all right,
but nobody laughed.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

David, David, Su can come again.

LAUGHTER

So you're onstage,
you're playing Jack,

you're leading the cow,
so this is during a show? Yes. Yes.

Suddenly there seemed to be
some sort of verbal ping pong

happening within the skin

and it was a really poignant
moment... Yeah.

...but with this kerfuffle
inside the skin...

Can we call it costume?
It's a bit...

Something about the word skin that's
making it a bit not child—friendly.

OK. Yeah. "Inside the cow's flesh
there were voices raised."

Who was in there? Are these...not
famous people because you're not

when you're playing the cow,
who was in there?

It was, um, a mother and son.

And what sort of things
were they saying to each other?

Well, I think, as I recall..

"Why did you have beans?" Yes.

Oh, that was done in the other scene
before, so they mentioned the beans.

I think Lee was making a joke
that the person at the front

might have had a bit of wind.

You should have chosen
a different sort of farty food

because saying beans is...
The joke's ruined, people are just

thinking the beanstalk. You're
supposed to be a professional.

I know. What else causes wind?

Brussels sprouts. I'll go for that.

And they're Christmassy, like panto.
It was an open goal!

I've got a better idea...
APPLAUSE

The verbal ping pong started
with the mother saying,

"You're not bringing her
round to the house again."

Really? Yes. Wow. Wow. Wow. Yeah.

So she's chosen this moment, in
the middle of your poignant scene,

to bring up a difficult issue about
the son's current relationship. Yes.

This is a more gripping
piece of drama

than anything
about the cow and the beans.

Rav, what do you make of this?

Um, no, I'm not having it at all.

There's a lot on the line
when you make a decision

because, of course,
being an ex—policeman,

we are going to judge you on your
ability to read people, aren't we?

Yeah, very much so.
And you don't believe her. No.

Maybe the reason Rav left
the police force is

he could never tell
when anyone was lying.

Alex, what about you?
Aw, see? I love you, Su,

and I think this is absolutely
something that could be true.

It's also very realistic that
there's beef going on in the cow.

GROANING

Very good.

We're going to go true.
You're saying it's true.

Well, Su, they think it's true.
Was it true, or was it a lie?

It was...

...true. Oooh—ohhh!

Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection
to one of our panel lists.

This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest. It's up to Lee's team

to spot who's telling the truth,

so please welcome this week's
special guest, Raymond.

So, Alex, what is Raymond to you?

This is Raymond
and, when I went into lab our,

instead of rushing to the hospital,
I rushed to his pet shop.

Rav, how do you know Raymond?

This is Raymond and I cost him
the £250,000 question

on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

Oh.

David, what is your relationship
with Raymond?

Er, this is Raymond and he's
the bird expert who taught me

how to make friends
with the crow who was bullying me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So there we have it.

Alex's pet shop pal, Rav's fed up
friend or David's crow consultant.

OK. Let's start with Alex.

Which child was this?
Was it your first child or...?

First one.
I was having contractions

and it was time
to go to the hospital.

I'd put it off, put it off,

put it off, but, as we were about to
leave the house, I saw my hamsters.

Right.

And they didn't have any of the
chewy sticks that they loved left.

And I know I'm going to hospital,
potentially for a few days.

Right. So I thought,

"I'm going to have to stop by
the pet shop

"to get some new sticks."

Well, you...you have a husband.

Yeah.

You know what the next question is.

Why didn't he go and have the baby
and you go and get the sticks?

LAUGHTER

Where's hubby?
Fixing some wardrobes.

Oh, he's at home? Yeah.
He didn't like the hamsters.

This doesn't make any sense.

LAUGHTER

You could always take the hamsters
with you. To hospital? Yes.

No. Because it's... Oh, yeah,
good practical joke. "Argh! Blimey!"

LAUGHTER

Yeah, because... "I thought
the father had big cheeks."

No, but they could be classed as
a support.

Support... A support pet.

They can get very funny
about rodents in hospitals. Yeah.

You said Charlie
was fixing wardrobes?

Yeah. Priorities is a word
that's coming to my mind.

He's very strange, Rob.
He's not Welsh, is he? No.

Well, this is the mistake
you've made, Alex. I know.

You've weakened the bloodline
by going with one of these English.

I know. What do you expect
to happen? I looked and looked, Rob,

and I couldn't find one, and then
I settled and this is where we are.

Yeah, but Roland, actually...

Raymond. Raymond. Oh, dear, sorry.
I'm so sorry, Raymond.

You seem nice. Are you married?

LAUGHTER

He's not allowed to speak.

Oh, yeah, but he's got a lovely
smile and he's dying to break out.

He could have taken the hamsters'
treats with him, you know,

to your house for the hamsters,
so you could have driven...

It's not Deliveroo. I mean...

Very hard to walk into a pet shop
and buy two little sticks

that are probably 30p each and
going, "I'd like them delivered."

Who would you like to quiz next?

Er, Rav, so you were on Who Wants
To Be A Millionaire? Raymond was on.

I was the Phone A Friend. Oh,
you were the Phone A Friend? Yeah.

Was it the celebrity version
of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

No, it was just the normal one, this
is years ago, years and years ago.

So this was before
your television days?

Yeah, I'd never been on telly then.
I was copper. But also I think,

even in the celebrity one,
it's the people on

that are the celebrities,
not the...

Cos it's not getting the best
out of a celebrity,

just having them on the phone.

Are you still friends, though?

He forgave you, I imagine,
for that one almighty upset.

You could have changed his life
for ever.

He'd be able to give up
the pet shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And indulge his love of birds.
Yeah.

ROB: How did he...? Rav, how
did he react when this happened?

So it's actually really awkward
because I haven't actually seen him

since then. I thought
you were friends. We were.

And you fell out over this? Yeah.
I've sent a few texts

and that was it. This is
the closest we've been.

What was the question? It was...

...who is the first director to win
two Best Director Academy Awards?

And when they phoned me,
it was a 50/50,

so there was only two left.
Who were the options?

Steven Spielberg and Oliver Stone.

Imagine I'm phoning you, Lee,

and they've asked me that question.
Lee, it's Rob. Hi, Rob.

Hi, I'm on Who Wants To Be
A Millionaire? Uh—huh.

And it's got to Phone A Friend.
Mm—hm. David wasn't in, so I...

I just...I just...
This is the question, right?

Who was the first director to win
two Best Director Academy Awards?

Now, the choices are,
and think about it, Lee,

Oliver Stone or Steven Spielberg?

Yeah, sorry, Rob,
you said the choices are...

It's actually the options are.

You only have one choice,
you have two options.

Oh, sorry... Sorry, Rob,
have you run out of time? Bye.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So what did you say the answer was?

I said Steven Spielberg. Right.

And I thought that was the correct
answer. And it's not Spielberg?

It's not. Give us an example of the
kinds of messages you sent him

afterwards, to try and make,
you know, mend bridges.

Well, I, actually, first of all,
I just said, "I'm so sorry.”

Nice start. Got two ticks
and nothing more. Um...

Oh! About how long ago was this?


Two ticks.

In 2001,

you got two ticks?

BBM. What? Blackberry Messenger.

Blackberry Messenger? You used to get two ticks if
a message was read. Nice save there, Rav, nice save.

We used to work together and then...
What was he, was he a policeman?

Yeah, we were at training together.
Did he carry on being a policeman?

Yeah, he went off to uniform.

Does he look like a copper, Lee?
Does he look like a copper?

That is a good question.
He's stood like a copper. Yeah.

He's got his hands behind his back

and he's wearing
a policeman's outfit.

LAUGHTER

Here's a question, Rav,

what made him think that you're
the man to go to for movies?

So we were at training school
together for 18 weeks

and we used to do pub quizzes
together at the pub

round the corner
from training school

and I was a bit of a movie buff. OK.

So was that Hendon, then? Yes.

Yes, do you remember the pub? Yeah.

Rav definitely was a policeman,
that's definite.

No, I'm just talking about the pub,

so I can make sure that he remembers
the name of the pub

and that was... That would coincide
with the rest of his truths or not.

Gotcha. Rav, my client
wants to know,

what was the name of the pub
in Hendon? The Claddagh Ring.

Oh, yeah, I've had that.

LAUGHTER

All right, now, then,
what about David? Er, OK.

David and the crow. Right.

What was the crow doing to you that
you would say constituted bullying?

Well, er, it was flying at me.

Right. Was your wife still
covering your face in seeds?

LAUGHTER

No. Er...

No bird food had been applied
to me by my wife,

I was just going...
Please just use that in the trailer.

Yeah, I was going...

But I would leave the house and
it would fly towards me,

and a couple of times it sort of
slightly hit me in the head.

Do you think it was trying
to attack you? Yes. Why? Why you?

Because it hated me.

How often did the crow attack you?
Most days, when I left the house,

it would attack me.
So we're talking over what period?

Over a period of about a week
to ten days.

How does Raymond come into the
story? Well, he's the crow.

No. No, he is from the RSPB.

He came round to see
what was going on and...

Did he witness it?
Er, yes, he saw that...

He waited for you to... Yeah,
and the thing that he's told me

is that crows are very intelligent
birds and they recognise people.

Oh, they watch telly, do they,
these crows? Exactly.

And, yeah, it turned the crow
hated Peep Show, so...

And he said, "You've probably done
something to sort of threaten

"or upset it without realising.”
Had you?

Well, the only thing
we could think of...

When you tried to sh**t that crow.
..Is that he said that the crow

was nesting in the sort of eaves
of the house and there's a sort of

creepery thing getting in the way
of a window

and I'd hacked it back a bit. And
he said, "Well, maybe it was that

"and this has enraged the crow
and so he's going to go for you

"until he's driven you
out of the house.”

So what did you do then?
We moved house.

LAUGHTER

Seriously, what? Because you
said it happened over a week

to ten days. What he said is,

"What you need to do
is curry favour with the crow.”

Ah! Putting out little treats
for it. And it worked.

What was your treats? What treats
did you give to the crow? Nuts.

Nuts? But the crow's
got to see you doing it.

Ah! Otherwise the crow
just thinks they've cleverly

found their own nuts.

I hope this is true cos that's
an image, isn't it, of you going,

"I've got you some nuts,
look, I've got you some nuts."

All right, we need an answer.
So, Lee's team, is Raymond

Alex's pet shop pal, Rav's fed up
friend or David's crow consultant?

I mean, why wouldn't a crow
want to attack him?

You can just imagine him
leaving the house, can't you?

"Goodbye, goodbye. Hello, everybody,
hello, world. Hello, trees."

"Hello, world"?!
"Hello, Mr Crow."

I'm not a children's character!

But you know what? If it's Rayv,
why on earth would you invite him

in a roundabout way to a show
that you happen to be on?

Because after he lost
a quarter of a million pounds,

he'll do anything for 50 quid
and a free hotel. Yeah.

Rav is... Er, you've just gone...
What does that mean? Body language.

Oh, do you know about body language?
Yeah. What does that mean?

The liars go like that or they
sometimes go like that. Do they?

Yeah. That's a bit of a tell,
isn't it?

You sure they don't go like that?

LAUGHTER

What do people who are telling
the truth do, Su?

Er, they just look you in the eye,
steadfastly. Yeah.

Right? And really...
Look at that, you see,

and really engage,
or, like David's doing, they go...

And occasionally
they will drop their trousers. Yeah.

Well, unfortunately, as you know,
I'm nude from the waist down.

No wonder the crow
keeps attacking you.

The early bird. Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, Lee, time to go for a guess.

I think it's feasible
that it is David.

You're going for David.
Chris, you're going for...?

Raymond. No, it was Rav.

LAUGHTER

What are you saying, Lee?
I think it's Rav.

You're saying it's Rav? Raymond,

would you please reveal
your true identity?

I'm Raymond and Alex came in
my pet shop when she was in lab our.

Oh, wow!

Yes, Raymond is Alex's pet shop pal.
Thank you very much, Raymond.

Oh, thank you, Raymond.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

It's Su.

I never go anywhere
without a party blower.

LAUGHTER

True.

LAUGHTER
David's team.

Now, er, a party blower,
do you mean, one of things that...

.unfurl?

It goes in the mouth, usually,
and then it...

LAUGHTER

...has a curly end. Yeah.

And you go, pfff,
you blow as hard as you can, pfff,

and it makes a noise. How long
have you been doing this, Su?


Because it's a joyful thing,

and, also, you'd be surprised how
many people like a blow,

and there's nothing there. Yeah.

How many do you go through in
a year? Probably about over 200.

RAV: 2007200 a year?

Absolutely. Do you carry anything
else unusual around with you?

Well, yes, because I do like
tomatoes every day.

I like a tomato because,
whenever you go to a restaurant,

you know what it's like...
They never have tomatoes.

No, they don't. It's always just a
green salad and it's so, so dull.

I think the tomato
would get squishy.

No, but you didn't ask me
where I keep the tomatoes.

Where do you keep the tomato, Su?

Well, just whenever
I can find a spare, you know,

thing that I can put it in. I would
say, having teed up the question,

"Where do you keep the tomato?" —

you then gave
quite a disappointing answer.

Do you know what?
I believe the party blower,

but I don't believe the tomato.

LAUGHTER

To be fair,
that's not part of the card.

Yes. But, by the strict rules
of the game,

all of the things expressed
around a truth must be true.

That's very true. Are you telling
the truth about the tomato?

The tomato story is...

Wait!

LAUGHTER

Just asking you
if the tomato bit was true.

There's no need
to press your button yet.

We're just chatting now.
Is the tomato bit true?

Yes. Yes, yes, it is. So, you're
sticking to your story,

the tomato and the party blower...
What are you going to say?

She carries a tomato.

Is that true?

Yeah, it is true, isn't it?
I think it is. It's true.

You're going to say true.
We're going true.

OK, Su, they've said it's true.

So, were you telling the truth
or was it all a lie?

I was telling the...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It was true!

CHEERING

Tomato.

It's true, Su never goes anywhere
without a party blower.

KLAXON

That noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that Lee's team
have no points...

LAUGHTER

...and David's team have five points.

CHEERING

Thanks for watching,
we'll see you next time, goodnight.