17x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, welcome
to Would I Lie To You?,

the show with barefaced lies

and well-masked truths.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

straight outta Crawley,

it's comedian Romesh Ranganathan.

And she is the Bafta-winning star
of all your favourite sitcoms,

it's Jessica Hynes.

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,

the British comic who's conquered
America, it's Gina Yashere.

And a man who knows all
about telling lies on television,

from The Traitors,
it's Wilfred Webster.

And we begin with Round 1, Home
Truths, where our panellists

read out a statement from
the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've
never seen the card before,

they've no idea what
they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to
sort the fact from the fiction,

and Jessica is first up tonight.

My first-ever voice-over job
was making extra pig, sheep

and horse noises for a documentary
about a Yorkshire farm.

I need an example.

Oh, you're straight in there, Wilfred.

Yeah, I need to hear.
Let's hear 'em!

Well, let's start with a pig.

We're jumping in, let's have
a little bit of context. Sorry.

All right, then. When was it?

Whatever. Do a pig. '93.

OK, first of all, did you say it was
a documentary?

Yeah, a documentary
about a Yorkshire farm.

Was there a strike on with the
pigs and the cows at the time?

Why didn't they provide the noises?

I can't tell you why.

All I can tell you is, for some
reason, the sound was not good...

Right. ..and they didn't
know what to do, so...

Before you came into
the studio, did they say,

"Do you have any
expertise in animal noises?"

She asked me if I would do it

and because I wasn't doing any
acting work I was like, "Yes!"

But it's a risk to ask you to turn
up in the hope that you can do a...

Most people can do a pig or a sheep.
She asked me and I was like, "Yes!"

It's hardly turning you
into Jim Carrey, is it? Rob, Rob,

the one thing I've learned about you
is if you can impersonate it,

you'd have done it.

And I've never heard you do a pig
or a sheep

or whatever the other one was.

I wonder how it would be if we went
down to the farm and we found

Ronnie Corbett at the farm.

Well,
what a wonderful surprise.

Pigs and sheep aplenty.

Were they directing you?

Were they like, "Can you give it
a bit more piglet?" Like...

Well, sort of, but it was more
like trying to match what the

animals were doing in vision with
sound that they didn't have,

so it's kind of like...

...sort of snuffling.

That was good. That is good. OK.

Right. Now let's hear the sheep.

Some people think a sheep
is just "mah,"

but it isn't, it's "ma-aa-aa-ah" or,
you know...? That's a sheep,

"ma-aa-aa-ah, ma-aa-aa-ah." Sheep
noises begin with a B, famously.

There's a song about it. No, no,
do you know why you say that?

Because you're English, you see.
And because I'm...

Half sheep? ..partially
Welsh in my heritage...

Oh, you ARE half sheep.

Rob, it's true! Back me up here!

Whoa!

No, that's goat. Yeah.
That's a goat.

I don't think they
agree with you, sir.

It was a goat. That was a goat.

The sheep is just looking round
on a lovely summer's day,

what do you do? Erm, well, just...

Probably be quiet, I would say.
All right, when he's...

All right, good point.

But the noise that I had the most
difficulty with was horse,

and so that's when I was
just really fudging it...

So they asked you if you could do
a horse? Yeah, and...

Did you say "nay" and they went...?

And they went, "That's absolutely
perfect, come in tomorrow."

So, Will, what do you think?
Is she telling the truth?

I think she's telling the truth.

Wow. Do you? I'm not very...

Listen, I was good at lying,

I wasn't good at finding liars,
I never had to do that, OK?!

So I don't know.

Why did you accept the
booking, then, mate?!

Gina?

You know what? I believe her.

Do you? I don't know why.

I could feel the awkwardness coming
over as she was telling the story.

I mean, she could be a really
good actor. She has won Baftas.

Well, excuse me!

We know that she is!

I'm so...

Gina! Gina!

I'm so sorry.

We had no idea when we booked her
that there would be

that level of... David, console her.

So sorry.

I'm going to lean,
I'm going to lean truth.

True? Yeah, true.

True. All right, my team say true.

OK, they're going for true.

Jessica, animal noises
in the early days of your career,

truth or lie?

Lie.

Yes, it's a lie.

Jessica didn't make animal
noises for a documentary.

Gina, you're next.

I once faked a school trip to fool
my mum into letting me go to France.

David's team.

So you faked a school trip?

Faked a school trip.

How? What did you say?

My mother was extremely strict.

Mm-hm. Never let me go
anywhere or do anything.

I was 17, I wanted to go to France.

I was studying A-level French,
so I tricked her into thinking

it was imperative for me
to go on this trip.

I'd have thought if it was
an educational thing,

most mums would be all for it,
wouldn't they?

That's the point she's just made.

No.

My mother was super overprotective
of us, like,

she didn't let us go anywhere.

She had a scrapbook of
bus and train crashes...

...that she'd bring out and go,

"You see these children?

"They went on a school trip and now
they are dead." Stuff like that.

Wow. Was there actually
a school trip?

No, there was no school trip.
I went on my own, but what I...

So did you just tell your very
strict, fearful-of-death mother,

"There's this school trip," and she
went, "OK, there's a school trip"?

I basically got all my friends
to turn up at the train station

with suitcases...

You're not serious. ..to make it
look like it was a school trip.

And they weren't going
to France with you? No.

Wow. And then my mum came,
said goodbye,

and then we all got on the train
and they got off at the next stop.

Where did you go in France?

I went to Touraine.

Tou... Touraine?
Touraine, which is...

Why did you go to Touraine?

Because there was a French course
there and the council gave free

trips for kids who were
studying A-levels.

So you actually lied to
your mum to go to France,

but actually went to
a French course? Yeah.

So you didn't go clubbing
or go out and do anything,

you actually went and studied?
I did that.

I slept with a guy while
I was there, but I did go...

But you also did a...?
...initially to study.

So it was part fun, part academic?

Yeah. What year was this?

I'm going to say the '80s. Late.

Cos I was there in the '80s.
Yeah, '80s, yes.

So how long was it...?

It's me!

Wow! I remember you!

I thought you were black!

What are you thinking, Romesh?

The way that Gina talks about
her mum is the same way that

I sort of, you know... Sri Lankan
parenting is very, very similar.

What I can't understand is
how you wouldn't be just

incredibly anxious because if
even there was the slimmest chance

of your mum finding out,
you would not be with us today.

Yeah.

What do you think, Jessica?

I think it's completely, 100% true.

Really? Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, completely.

David? Do you know what I liked?
Touraine.

Not Paris. It's not obvious, is it?

Touraine - who knows?

But, yes, that's the sort of thing,
a place in Fra...

Yes, "My town is twinned
with Touraine,

"they've got a biscuit factory."

I think it's true.

You're going to say true?

Gina, Gina, truth or lie?

It is...

...true!

Well done.

Yes, it's true,

Gina once did fake a school trip
so she could go to France.

Wilfred, you're up next.

Right.

Last year, I had to walk home from
a swimming pool in my trunks after

someone stole my clothes from the
locker whilst I was in the water.

Oh! David's team.

Where was this swimming pool?

In Cyprus.

In Cyprus. You had to walk
all the way home from Cyprus?

So the swimming pool was where
in Cyprus?

So it was at our hotel, yeah.

So it was from the hotel swimming
pool to your room in the hotel?

Yeah.

This is sounding a bit
less of an anecdote.

I was imagining a
public swimming baths

and you're walking three or four
blocks, splash, splash, splash,

avoiding the dog poo, but now it's
just in a holiday hotel

from the pool to your room

in swimming gear. That's what
made it more awkward. Yeah.

How long did it take you to
recover from the trauma?

How far was it from the
pool to your suite?

It wasn't that long at all.

I had to get in a lift,
which was awkward.

So at this holiday hotel... Yeah.

...there were lockers? Yes.

So you went down to the pool,
fully clothed, maybe in your,

I don't know, your suit
and tie from work.

Could you please describe
your trunks for us?

My trunks? So they were
bright, bright, bright green.

And were they mini or maxi?

What? What does that mean? I mean,
were they budgie smugglers or...?

They were tru... Like...
They were trunks.

So what...?
So they were swinging around?

Well, they...

You flatter him!
What's swinging around?!

What's the "they"
in question there?!

It's definitely not swinging around!
"Were THEY swinging around?!"

"Were they swinging around?"

I don't mean that!

If the lift stops suddenly,
it'll hit you in the face!

I mean the material. Oh.

Well, I didn't have them,
they were stolen.

Oh, so you were... What?
What did you have on your bottom?

What are you talking about,
"I didn't have them"?

You were in your trunks, you said. Yeah.

So you did have them. Yeah.

Right. THEY weren't stolen.
THEY weren't stolen.

Will, I think this is going great!

Oh, my God! Quick, seriously,
look at that, everybody!

Read it again! Read it again!

Look over there!
There's a huge parrot!

Read it again!

So you've come back,
you've come back to the locker.

Yeah. Your clothes have gone.

Yeah. So this is a classy hotel.
Yeah, yeah.

Somebody has stolen your clothes.

They've stolen them, yeah.

From the locker?

Yes!

Yeah.

Do you think you maybe put your
clothes in a different locker

and you just looked in the wrong
locker? Ah, that's easily done.

Are we actually investigating this?

What's happening? Are you saying
there's a possibility

that none of this happened?

Yes, you're right!

That would explain why it
doesn't make any sense!

Did you ever get the clothes back?

Did I ever...? No.

Never got... So you lost shoes,
trousers...? I lost everything.

Wow. Apart from the trunks.

Or, other possibility,
it didn't happen.

He's... He's fine!

Well, all right, Jessica,
what do you think?

I think it's a lie.

You think it's a lie. OK.

Because of what he said? Yes.

Romesh, you are dealing with
a very good, duplicitous,

untrustworthy man.

Yeah, I mean, I think it's possible,
based on what I've seen of you

and your performance in
The Traitors, that this is actually

an incredible quadruple bluff.
Yeah, I think so too.

Well, it would be...

I mean, the amount of planning it
would take because the first thing

you'd have to do is, in advance,
persuade a five-star hotel

in Cyprus to institute a system of
lockers for people's swimming gear,

which is something much more common
at a municipal swimming baths,

so as to make us look like whoever
wrote the card very much had

that kind of swimming in mind,

so that we would think it was
a colossal mistake on your part

to then say it was
a hotel in Cyprus,

rather than a swimming
baths in the UK.

If you've done that,
you deserve the point. Yes.

So I think you're saying
it's a lie, am I right?

At this point, on a balance
of probabilities only,

I'd say it's a lie. All right, OK.
So, Wilfred, in your wet trunks,

in the lift, was it true
or was it a lie?

It was indeed...

...a lie.

Oh, I stumbled hard!

Yes, it's a lie.

Wilfred didn't have to walk
home in his swimming trunks.

Our next round is called
This Is My, where we bring

on a mystery guest who has a close
connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine
connection to the guest.

It's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this
week's special guest, Kai.

So, Jessica, what is Kai to you?

Erm, this is Kai
and he painted my front door

with 73 bottles of nail varnish.

Romesh, how do you know Kai?

This is Kai.

Um, he once told me off

when I discussed his private
parts on a podcast.

And finally, David,
what is your relationship with Kai?

Er, this is Kai and...

Don't bother, David. You have
never met this man in your life.

Look at him.

This is Kai

and I had to borrow his fingers
in order to order my Big Mac.

So there we have it.

Jessica's paint pal,

Romesh's mortified mate

or David's helping hand.

Lee, where do you want to begin?

Jessica, the obvious question

is what colour did you go for?

It was a kind of...
A sort of shiny blue.

Shiny blue? Yeah.

Kai is an amazing, like... decorator

and lives in my town and we were
walking past this house,

this amazing looking house,

and there was a front door
that looked, like, gorgeous -

beautiful colour, really nice.

And I knew that Kai lived there

but I hadn't actually properly
met him, and then when I finally

met him I was like, "My God, your
door is so gorgeous. Did you..?"

It's a hell of an opening line.

Thank God you didn't like
his cat flap. I was...

I was like, I couldn't believe it
when he said...

He said, "It's nail varnish."
I was like, "Really?"

He was like,
"Yeah, yeah. It's nail varnish,"

and then I was thinking,
is it rude of me, like, to be like,

"Oh, my God,
can you do that for my door?"

But that's what I did.
And how long did it take?

He did it kind of over
about four or five weekends.

How did he apply it?

It wasn't the little... the little
brush, was it? Presumably he...?

Of course it was!

You can't get a big paintbrush in
those little bowls. You can decant!

Trying to get your roller in there?
You'd never do it!

The whole experience
was unusual, obviously.

Yeah. How many coats was it?

It was only one coat.
One coat? One coat?!

It was undercoat.

What was the undercoat,
normal paint?

Just, like, a white undercoat,
which we did.

We did all the prep.
Oh, you prepped it all?

Yeah, we prepped it.
Tell me how you prep a door.

Well, you just sand it
and put paint on it.

You've obviously never prepped a
door. It's not, like, difficult.

Yeah, have you
prepped a door, Lee? Yeah.

How many bottles? I mean, ultimately
it worked out around 75, 73.

I mean, it's pungent, isn't it?

Did the postman faint?

I was a bit worried about that.

I was a bit worried about that but
because I'd sniffed his door...

Had you?

Right, Lee, who would you
like to question next?

OK, let's go over to Romesh.

Which one are you?
Just remind us of the statement.

Kai once told me off for discussing
his private parts on a podcast.

What's the podcast called?

Wolf And Owl.

OK. And who are
the people on the podcast?

It's me, and the other
regular is Tom Davis.

And what relation is Kai to you?

Kai's somebody that goes
to the same gym as me.

Do you go on the days
when it isn't open?

I'm sorry.

And so you've obviously
seen him walking round naked.

No. Well, then how did you know
about his private parts?

He showed me a picture.

Where was you when he
showed you the picture?

Wait, hold on. Hang on. He shows you
a picture in the gym?

The whole caboodle.
What? Wait, wait, wait.

He's got a dog?

Oh, no.
No, no, don't applaud that, please.

So, all right, how did this
conversation come about?

On this particular day, I noticed
he was... just walking a bit funny,

and I went up to him
and I said, "Are you all right?"

and he said,
"I had a vasectomy yesterday."

And then he said,

"Do you want to see?"

And you said yes?

Well, I'm not saying
it wasn't unusual.

It's not how most
of my conversations go.

Did he show you before and after?

He showed...
I saw a series of pictures.

OK, and then how does this then end
up on your podcast with Tom Davis?

One of the things that we start off
with is saying what we've been up to

and then I said, "Well, actually,
just this morning,

"this thing happened,"
and I detailed the story. Mm-hm.

And did you paint Kai
in a bad light? How...?

Listen, there's no way you can
paint that guy in a bad light.

I saw it, it made me
want to write a poem about it.

So he was not happy that
you had mentioned this vasectomy?

No, it was his wife that
was the... was the issue,

because she listens
to the podcast... Wow.

...and so she's a private person,
I guess,

and sort of didn't want me to see...

No, she's not a private person,
she's a normal person.

Did you say his name, then,
in the podcast? No, I didn't.

I wouldn't have done that.

Do you think there's any chance
she watches this programme?

There's a chance, yeah.

Cos she might not like that either

because where you were saying
you didn't mention him by name -

here, you have.

How long ago was all this?

Like, a couple of months,
not that long ago.

It's obviously still very sensitive,
cos he's been...

He's been covering it up
since he walked on.

Now, then. Lee, what about David?

Remind us of your claim.

I borrowed his fingers
to help me order my Big Mac.

Now, I know the answer to this,

but, just for the audience,

what exactly is wrong
with your fingers?

Well, I don't know. I've always
found them to be adequate.

Maybe I was cold, but whatever
it was I couldn't get the thing...

I was pressing and pressing.
Oh, the screen.

This is the new thing they have
where you don't speak to a human.

No, no, I was poking
a member of staff,

saying, "Give me a hamburger."

Well, some people may not...

Some people may not know.
And you're so weak

you had to borrow
somebody else's fingers.

No... Yes, it was one of
the new screens they have.

And it wasn't happening for me.

Either I couldn't get it to go at
all or I'd do that and then it

would be like I'd put five in there
and I didn't want five Big Macs.

What time of day was this?

It was late at night.

And what was Kai doing?

He was also in McDonald's.

Yes, did you sort of
approach him and go...?

"Excuse me, I...

"Problem with the fingers."

How...? No. How did it go?

He was behind me
in the queue for this machine.

"Oh, what are you doing there?"

What I'm getting at is
did you hold his fingers

and do that with them
or did you just let him do it?

I let him do it!

I fetched his little fingers
out of his pockets

and poked away with them until
he asked me kindly what I was doing.

So who were you with,
late night in McDonald's?

No-one, just me. On your own?
On my own. I'd been to an event.

And I'd been to the pub.
What sort of event was it?

It was a book launch. Whose book?

A friend of mine's but I'm not going
to say whose book. Which friend?

Come on. I'm not going to say
whose book. Why not?

Because it was
a very, very dirty book.

No, I'm...

And your fingers had become...

Your fingers had
become dysfunctional.

I went to the launch,

and then I went to the pub with
some people from the book launch.

Right. And then after that...

Went to McDonald's.
...I went into McDonald's,

like I used to as
a much, much, much younger man.

But when I got into McDonald's,
everything had changed.

It was no longer possible to ask
another human for a hamburger,

and it was necessary to log on
to some sort of wall of food.

I did my best to do that

but something... something was wrong
with my old, hungry, drunken fingers

and the machine refused
to give me anything.

What were you trying to order?

A Big...

...Mac.

I was also, full disclosure...

Were you? I...

There's no verb!

I also ordered...
"There's no verb!"

This double act isn't
working out, is it?

No.

There's no verb!

I also...

He's mortified by that.

You can't say, "Were you?" to...
I hadn't asserted any action!

You've got an odd...
None of this makes any sense!

Full disclosure.
I also ordered some chips...

Yeah. ..and a tea.

Oh, it said chips,
did it, on the thing?

No, it said fries but I still
refer to them as chips

in a desperate attempt to resist
American cultural imperialism.

All right.

We need an answer.

So, Lee's team,
is Kai Jessica's paint pal,

Romesh's mortified mate

or David's helping hand?

Right, well, first of all,
let's look at Kai.

He looks buff, doesn't he?

Yeah. Buff. He looks like he goes
to the gym a lot. Definitely.

Painter and decorators
are usually a bit more...

...let's say flabby, shall we say?

But also, you must be very
protective of that door.

Like, if people knock
on the door, do you scream,

"Use the doorbell!"
and stuff like that?

Are you like...? No. I do.

What else is a doorbell for?

Does your finger
work on the doorbell?

So, what do you think, then, Lee?
Who are you going to say it is?

I'm going to go Romesh. You say
Romesh? I'm thinking Romesh, yeah.

He's the kind of comic that would
talk about that stuff on a podcast,

wouldn't he?
And Tom Davis definitely would.

So I think we'll go Romesh.

Right. Kai, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Kai, and Romesh discussed
my private parts in a podcast.

Yes, Kai is Romesh's mortified mate.

Thank you very much, Kai.

Legend. Thank you.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

It's Lee.

Next week I am due to appear
before a disciplinary panel

at my clay pigeon sh**ting club...

...after I accidentally shot
the owner's wife in the knee.

David's team.

Where do you go clay pigeon
sh**ting? Where does it happen?

I go to the local clay pigeon
sh**ting club near me,

and I'm not willing to
give away where I live.

Is it in the countryside,
in a field, on a football...?

It's in the countryside, in a field. OK.

How often...? How often do you meet?

About four or five times a year.

So once every two to three months?

Er, two and a half months. OK.

Was... was the clay pigeon very low,

or was the wife's knee very high?

Unfortunately, the...
the person who runs it,

his wife has got two broken arms
at the moment and...

...so she wasn't able to do any
clay pigeon sh**ting that week.

In a cast?

Both in casts, like that.

I didn't know that
you went clay pigeon sh**ting.

No, well, neither did I
till about 30 seconds ago.

Paint a picture
of the incident itself.

I can paint a picture, but she
can't.

Two broken arms in a cast.

Forget all the bit about
the broken arms - that wasn't true.

Her job - Betty the puller,
they call her...

Betty the puller.
Betty the puller.

Her job is, when you say, "Pull!"

Cos that's what you do
in clay pigeon sh**ting,

you go, "Pull!" like that,
and then pull,

and the clay pigeons
go off and you...

The good thing about
clay pigeon sh**ting,

you don't have to be that good.

Long as you're in the rough area,
the shot spreads.

Yeah, so how could you hit her?
She's at ground level.

Because I was going...

And then on the third count of pull
I went, "Pull," and I went...

"Come on, Betty!" Boom!

Get off! You didn't! Shot her.

I didn't! I mean... I did!

I went like that, and then, "Pull!

"Oh, come on, Betty."
I'll do it in slow motion.

Come on, Betty!

Aargh!

Briiiaaaan!

How many legs did she have?!

And then, er...
How did Betty react?

Oh, well, I tell you what,
she hasn't pulled for a while.

She...

David, what are you thinking?

Let's, for a moment,
imagine that this is true.

Well, I've had to.

Is it...?

If this were true, is it something
that Lee or the clay pigeon

sh**ting community would be happy
to have discussed in this forum?

Ask me anything about
clay pigeon sh**ting.

Ask me. Bring it on.

How long does it take?
How long does it take?

Yeah. Well, it takes
as long as you want to do.

I've been known...

I've been known to do
up to four hours in one session.

I've also been known to do
less than three minutes,

because, and I don't know
if I've mentioned this...

You shot someone in the knee.
...I shot someone in the leg.

So how is Betty now?
What state is she...?

Oh, Betty. We laugh about it now. Right.

In fact, I've really made her sort
of come round to my way of thinking,

that's it's just a humorous event,

and she's actually going to
support me on the panel next week.

But the husband is very much
in the prosecution camp.

Rest of the shot went
right in his crotch.

And do you know how I know that?

Cos there's nothing left
of his tackle

and he showed me a photograph.

All right. David,

I think I know what you're
going to say, but...

...truth or lie?

Well... Lie? Lie. It's a lie.

Yes, I think...
We think it's a great story

but we don't think it happened.

Lee, they doubt
whether this is true.

Is it?

Well, I wasn't sure
when I first read it.

Cos you know my memory nowadays,

but actually that one was a lie.

Oh! That noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that Lee's team

have one point,

and David's team

have four points.

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.