01x04 - Celebrity Deathmatch Goes to the Movies

[bunniefuu]

What happens when 2 Titans of film

criticism put aside their rating systems

and go in for the k*ll? Who will make the

directors cut for the title of biggest

bad boy of independent film? And which

major Hollywood player will be their

mystery guest referee?Find out tonight as

Celebrity Deathmatch goes to the movies.

Hello, everybody. I'm Johnny Gomez and

I'm Nick Diamond. Over the years, the

movies have brought us laughter, tears,

special effects, great music, but most of

all, big stars with blockbuster grudges

to settle. That's right, Johnny. We all

remember the bloody debacle of

Schwarzenegger versus Stallone that took

place right here on Celebrity Deathmatch.

Of course, it's not only the famous faces

in front of the cameras that you're into

bash each other's heads in. Everybody in

Tinseltown wants to take each other down.

That must be why our star-studded crowd

is so bloodthirsty tonight. Why?I heard

that just a little while ago the Olsen

twins courted Meg Ryan in the ladies room

and bit off her leg. I understand you've

got an A list celebrity with you this

evening, Nick Johnny, in honor of Bring

Your Son to Work Day, joining us for

tonight's Bone Crunching Gore Fest is a

little leading man. I'm awfully proud of

Nikki Junior. Say hello, son.

Welcome to the show, Nikki Junior, Tell

our nationwide audience what do you wanna

be when you grow up? I wanna be

just like my daddy. A chip off the

old block. Hey, Nick, If there's ever a

Johnny Junior, I hope he's sitting here

with you someday, Nikki. I

don't understand. That's OK, son. Now

let's review our cinematic combatants for

the evening. First up, our television's

most famous movie reviewers, Gene Siskel

and Roger Ebert, have been slugging it

out for 22 years on their syndicated

show. And it's always been Siskel and

Ebert, which has never sat well with

Roger Ebert. Well, tonight's match is off

Hollywood classic. It's all about top

billing. If you don't get the name, you

don't get the fame. But the contenders in

our main bow don't have that problem.

They're two of the most recognized names

in Hollywood, Quentin Tarantino and Spike

Lee. Both of them are notorious hotheads

prone to controversy. On the screen and

off, our highly controversial mystery

guest referee is gonna have his plate

full now. Personally, I've never seen any

of Tarantino's movies. There's too much

violence in them for me. Hey Daddy, I'm

going to get Medieval on your address.

Looks like our two main contenders have

just stepped out of their limos in the

VIP. Parking lot. Let's get an update

from Stacey Cornbread. I'm standing here

with directors Quentin Tarantino and

Spike Lee. They're here tonight to settle

once and for all who's the biggest bad

boy of independent film. A Mr. Lee, from

what I understand, you feel you haven't

gotten the credit you deserve. I kicked

off the whole independent film movement

back in 86. And she's gotta have it then

Miss Gooney looking video clerk gets all

the hype. Why? Because he exploits the N

word, plain and simple. Hey Mr. Mike, Ed,

you questioning my artistic integrity? I

think Spikes got a big asss bee in his

bonnet over never getting an Academy

Award. You have no right to call my

people by the N word. Ohh, yeah, well

then. How about I call you a woman?

In fact, I'm gonna beat you like a

woman. You wanna roll that one by me

again, Wigger? Call me wiggle one more

time and you're gonna get slapped upside

the head. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.

Oh, Oh. As

you can see, the main bout almost ignited

right here in the parking lot. With

courtesy of our crack security team. We

still have a show to look forward to.

Back to you, Nick and Johnny. Thanks,

Stacy. You might want to slap some ice on

that. You met Johnny. Those two young

directors are ready to RIP each other's

throats out, and yet they have so much

talent. And so much in common. Can't we

all just get along? No, we can't, Nick.

And thank goodness, because we'd be out

of a job now. Siskel and Ebert, or should

I say Ebert and Sisco. These guys have

been sitting on their ***** and screening

rooms for an awful long time. You think

we'll see any fireworks out there,

Johnny? Well, this match has. Been a long

time coming and guess it might get

brutal. Both of them hail from Chicago, a

city with a long history of troublemakers

back to the days of Al Capone. Our film

critics have opted for a variant on the

Indian strap match. Now ordinarily this

would mean their arms would be tied

together for the duration of the vow, but

in this case?And most appropriately, I

might add, it's their thumbs. You know,

an interesting fact, Mickey Junior. It

was the opposable thumb that allowed

mankind to become a tool making animal.

I don't understand. That's OK, son. Let's

get this show started. Producing from the

Chicago Tribune Film critic. Gene Cisco

facing off against him from the

Chicago Sun Times film critic Roger

Ebert. And now the man in

charge of this critical action, referee

Mills Lane. Gentlemen, you know the

rules of the Indian strap match.

Your thumbs must remain. Together at all

times. I want a good, clean fight made.

The man with the best thumb win. This

thumb has never let me down. I'm sure

that's true, Jean, but sticking it up in

the air is a little different from where

I'm going to stick it. Let's get it on.

Here's a preview of coming attractions.

That one didn't qualify as a big hit in

my box office, Roger. Ohh, why don't you

take a look at this? Ohh, nice clip

there, Jean. But how about a plot twist

that doesn't follow the script? Here's

one from Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.

Tasty body slam. It's gotta hurt when

your rib cage slams down into your

internal organs like that. Hey 4 at fat

boy faulty. Stop messing around and kick

each other's *****. So I'll get in there

and I'll kick him for you. Y'all deserve

it for dissing girl 6. Harsh words from

Spike Lee, but they seem to have lit a

fire under the rump of jeans. He's

putting quite a spin on thing. Looks like

this Indian strap is turning into an

around the world. Flesh and bone just

aren't made to put up with that kind of

stress. Absolutely right, Mick. All that

centrifugal force has got to be a major

strain on the thumb joints on the crowd

too, Johnny. They're getting nauseous.

So, Jean, what do you think of

my performance? Totally disappointing.

I'm afraid I can't recommend it. So

you're saying you wanna give it the

thumbs down? Hell yeah.

Whoa, the balcony is definitely closed.

Looks like Roger Ebert hitchhiking days

are over and we're going to need

some structural work done on this

announcement booth. Mr. Johnny, Mr.

Johnny, Daddy fell down. Oh my God,

what's happened?Nick,

this is terrible. I can't

believe it. Hello. Anyone? Is

there a doctor in the

house? What's wrong with them?

Don't look Sonnet. It's too

horrible. Somebody get

down there and help him, damn it.

Oh, oh, this just can't be happening.

Ohh. I'd really Mr. Johnny, what are

you doing? Get me off the air.

Can't we go to a commercial? Can't

we go to a damn commercials like

cats?

Please stand by.

Folks, we've had a major catastrophe here

tonight. While we deal with the

situation, we're going to run one from

the vaults. Some classic footage from the

early days, and it's one of my

personal favorites. Dean Martin versus

Jerry Lewis, run it.

Yeah, so ringing, baby. Go, doggy. Go.

It sure is swinging, Nick, but how

could it not be when we've got

the legendary Rat Pack in the house?

That's right, Johnny. Oh, Frank Sinatra

and. It's cool crew of just jetted

in from a lady they call Las Vegas.

Seems they were playing craps at The MGM

Grand when charter rat Packer Dean Martin

ran into his old partner Jerry Lewis.

Ever since Dean and Jerry broke up their

sensational comedy act, they've been out

for each other's love. Dean. And Sherry

took their grudge to Sinatra himself. And

the chairman of the board had three

simple words for them. Celebrity death

match.

It's a Sinatra. You provide the names

and I'll be there. Ladies and gentlemen,

it is a great night here as

we welcome the Rat Pack. Our first

combatant is none other than the Clown

Prince. Comedy Mr. Jerry

Lewis.

And helping out in Jerry's

corner, the cohort of cool

Mr. Sammy Davis, junior Jerry

swab opponent, the master of

the dulcet tones, Mr. Dean

Martin. And as

opposed to seeing now manning Dean's

Corner, we're deeply honored to have with

us the Chairman of the Board himself,

Mr. Frank Sinatra.

Jerry Dean, you know the rules.

I want a good, clean fight.

Let's swing get.

Wow, look at that transformation from

serious guy into showbiz goofball.

Chery's pulling a nutty professor.

I just have one more drink. I

just one more teensy weensy drinks yeah

and 40 more here do that did

come up when it's ringing Ding turn

now go bust that GIMP in the

chops Yes yes, officer and may have

had this little like him though right.

Dang, not that square. That'sGrantsville.

Oh how I love to play the

bongos. I got you caught in that

thinking. Me big Jerry, king of the

jungle. Ohk

OK, Jerry over here, man. That

boozer, he did a little. Hey,

hey. With my chick, you dig?

You gotta take him out. Jared.

Here pack the Golden Punch man.

Why?

Why I'm the prettiest Princess in

all the Kingdom? Ohh, that hurts.

How? Knock it off, you'll beg.

Make some wacky stick from Jerry.

The French may like it, but

it's not going to get him

far in this fight. Jerry Deans.

That you wanna give the old



thank you. You're my very best

friend forever.

Hits your glass eye like a

big pizza pie that's here. Whoa.

Yeah, I'm alright.

Guy I like.

Looks like Chery's finally putting the

funny stuff into his fists.

How long can Date hold up? We know

he's sedated, but this is some brutal

punishment. Bean's always been a laid

back kind of guy. Will nothing make him

put his heart into this match?

Ohh damn you're still my drinking poop

now You went too far. Funny man.

Dane, Dane.

Drunken punk, you're embarrassing me out

there. Listen, Frank, I need some

tough love. Boy that

felt good. Can I have another one?

Oh, oh, now get out there and

fight like a man, like I taught

you. Here comes Dean Martin.

Hey.

There's nothing better than a good smoke

after you beat your opponent senseless.

Roger that, alley cat. You're all sweet.

Ladies. Take me away from this terrible

place. Finish him off, team. Let's blow

this joint. The Broads are getting all

antsy in the limo. You heard that,

folks. His body is just about over

Deans looking to put the finishing

touches on this match.

Whoa. Close call for

Nick Diamond. Jerry almost took you out.

We've had a lot of close calls here on

Celebrity Deathmatch, but it's going to

take a lot more than a flying celebrity

to Take Me Out.

How about an update on next condition,

Stacy?Johnny 's over

there on the table and I'm not quite sure

what his current condition is, but let's

go take a look.

OK, here's the heart. So how's he

looking, Stacy? Ohh. He's looking pretty

good, Johnny. Excuse me. Why? I can't

believe it. It's George Clooney. One

side. Let me through. I'm a doctor.

You're not a doctor. But I play 1 on

TV. Well, alright, stand back, let George

have a crack at it. OK, I'm gonna need



plasticine stacked up, Doctor.

Our prayers are with you, Nick. What's

this? We've just gotten word that Nick

Diamond Seniors condition has finally

stabilized.

Which, sad to say, means he's

in a coma. Daddy's dead.

I know Nick would want us to carry on

with this kind of entertainment he loves

so dearly, but first I'd like to ask for

a moment of silence for this poor child's

father. Your Mama

was such an ugly baby, her parents had

to feed her with a slingshot.

Your Mama is so fat her **** cheeks look

like 2 pigs fighting over a milk dud.

Well, you can't silence the bad boys. I

guess this means it's time for our main

bout. By special request of the Directors

Guild of America, this fight will be

presented in its original aspect ratio.

You should ignore the black bars at the

top and bottom of your screen.

Independent film. It's tough. It's

personal. Let's take a look at the

stats spike. Lee refuses to cater

to the Hollywood mainstream, but has

directed numerous TV commercials,

shameless merchandising of his movies,

loudmouth that sporting events, bad

attitude. Quentin Tarantino refuses to

cater to the Hollywood mainstream but

did an uncredited rewrite on its

path. Shameless self promotion. Loudmouth

everywhere. Bad actor. Both bad boys

appear to have an equal shot at

the title. Now I'm sure you're all

wondering who's going to direct our two

young directors in the ring. Yes, it's

time to reveal the identity of our

mystery guest referee, ladies and

gentlemen. Please welcome

Mr. Woody Allen.

Thanks. Maybe I'm ethical, but I tend to

get claustrophobic inside of tightly

fitting leather hoods. By the way, what

the hell is this place? The two man's

going to do the right thing and take

the spike out. Yeah, well, your jumbo

head's going to get poked, and that's no

fiction. Listen. Can I make a phone call?

I I think this is all been a big mistake.

Hey, be careful now, I have a very

delicate skeletal system and my skin had

bruises as easily as a Peach. So Quinton

fails to connect with his first punch. He

can, right? Tough guys, But can he be



Tarantino, you're going down.

He flipped Creek by Spike Lee. Check this

out people. We gotta white meat sandwich

here. Turkey and chicken. Might I just

inject the concept here? My body's

completely crushed. It's probably useless

now. Anyone mind if I just crawl into

an iron lung and take a nap here?

It looks like the chill, man. Has

gotten his **** kicked right out of

the alphabet. Ohh. Quentin's got a woody.

And I will strike down upon thee

with great vengeance and furious anger.

Some flashpoints there by Quentin

Tarantino. He really knows how to strut

his stuff. Yo, what up, homies, you

know. What I'm saying? Yeah. The queue

man is in the house. You down

with me? Everybody say Q man, what

is your problem? I'm sorry, but let's

face it, you're white. And you? I

preferred your old funny movies. How?

Please, my head. It's my meal ticket.

That faces off Woody but soon.

Yee what can I do? Do

something or no loving tonight. Oh

my God no loving.

Look.

And the Woodman delivers

some astonishing punishment. Oh

my God, what?

Sorry about that, I got a little carried

away and my therapist says I should kick

**** more often. Wow,

there's a movie maker who can make the

winning moves. Looks like Woody's the

biggest bad boy of them all. Well, that

about wraps it up here tonight, except

for one more special surprise. Roll the

tape.

Mama, take this badge for

money.

OK,

anymore.

Still dark dark.

Feels like I'm knocking on heaven's

door.

Knock, knock, knocking on heaven.

Not.

Wow yeah knock knock

knocking on heavens door.

Knock, knock, knocking on heaven.

Ohh.