01x05 - Nick in a Coma

[bunniefuu]

Who will survive a celebrity catfight

when America's housekeeper of style tries

to put the hurt on a die hard fashion

foe in passing your seatbelts for an All

Star three-way through Ride of Terror

when a trio of daytime destroyers. Fight

for survival in an event never before

allowed on television. The action flows

like blood from a head wound. Tonight

Don Celebrity Deathmatch.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm

Johnny Gomez. It's a big night tonight

because in our main event, we introduced

the newest addition to the Death Match

Arena, the Dome of Devastation. 60 feet

high and weighing approximately 40 tons,

the Dome will enclose our combatants,

preventing any kind of escape. It's the

Dome of devastation, a masterpiece of

modern malevolence. And another change

tonight, Nick Diamond will not be joining

me as he remains hospitalized in critical

condition. So joining us tonight is one

of Hollywood's biggest sports fans and a

huge celebrity who's accustomed to

getting the best seat in the house.

Jack Nicholson. Hey, buddy. Jack, thanks

for being here. I understand you've got a

celebrity challenge of your own to tell

us about. Ohh, we'll get to that later.

Now, what happened to Nikki? A horrifying

accident. Jack, take a look at this clip.

So you're saying you want to give it

the thumbs down?Hell yeah.

Nick. Scary

stuff Johnny, but let me tell you, if any

fat guys can flying at me, they're going

to have to answer to this here. 3 iron.

Ohh.

Johnny, I'm kidding. We're just about

ready to begin our first fight between

Cindy Crawford and Janine Garofalo. Jack

Cindy's a fashion hit, Janine's a fashion

miss, and neither wants anything to do

with each other. I'd say they're mortal

enemies to the core, and I'd agree. Now

let's check in with our lovely.

Correspondent Miss Stacey Cornbread back

in the locker rooms. Stacey, thanks,

Johnny and Jack. I'm here with one of

tonight's first combatant, Cindy

Crawford. Cindy, this is your first time

ever getting in a fight with anybody.

What are you doing to prepare yourself

for Barbara?Because I've been on a high

fiber diet. What's that Cindy? I can't

hear you with that roughage in your

mouth. I'm ready to kick some *****.

What do you think? I've kind of big hips,

so I want something that can accentuate

the bigness. What do you think, Janine?

Cindy looks like a tough competitor.

What's going through your mind right now?

What's going through my mind is what to

wear. All these wrestling suits are just

too flattering. I want to wear something

that looks like it's been in a damp

garage all winter. When I go out there, I

am going to take that prissy little

fashion plate and smash her over my knee.

And when I do that, I want to look bad.

You got me, I got you.

Ohh hello Cindy. How'd that pre fight

bowel movement? Bill, are you feeling

cleansed? Listen you chore, if you win

this fight tonight, not only will the

world be stunned, but I'll eat my weight

in Stromboli. You gotta deal. What if I

don't win? You have to lose 50 lbs.

Are you in? I'm in. I hope you're

hungry. Ohh, I am hungry for blood.

Johnny Jack. Cindy Crawford has thrown

down the gauntlet. It looks like these

two ladies are ready to throw some weight

around. Thanks, Stacey. Man. Ohh man,

that's Cindy Crawford is a real hottie.

I'd like to use my putter on her,

if you know what I mean.

All right, it looks like our first

fighters are in the ring and ready

in the red corner, one of America's

premier young comics, Miss Janine

Garofalo. I

don't know, an outfit looks pretty good

on her bed, would look even better

crumpled up on my floor in the

morning. And her opponent in the blue

corner is one of America's most famous

faces, cover girl Cindy Crawford.

Cindy, man, get a load of her. It looks

like referee Mills Lane is ready and so

are we. I want a good, clean fight from

the two of you. Any question? Yes. Am I

allowed to take a time out if my

waterproof mascara gets smeared? I have a

lot of people watching me, you know, and

I may need to reapply. The only

thing you'll be applying or Band-Aid

pitch. Ohh come on, wait for

the bells sweetheart. OK, let's get

it on.

No face hits right? Males,

yes. Face it, they're OK.

Lookout. Ohh.

Good clothes line there and Cindy

Crawford takes to the ropes.

Hi, forget House of style

Jack, this is a House

of pain.

Hi, another devastating body slam. Looks

like she's setting up her number three

compound fracture. I guess your

sleeveless shirts, you're going to have

to stay in the closet this spring.

Now Janine's got a firm grip on

things.

Ohh my mom give it back.

Oh oh look at that.

My career. Ohh, my

career. It's Rowan. Look

how Janine. Oh, oh,

this situation has gotten

really hairy, folks. Oh,

oh, oh. They've

taken each other out. Yeah, it's a time.

No time, no content. It's a tie. Fights

over. That's it. You know what a tie

means. Ladies and gentlemen, remember

their pre fight wager? There's gonna be

some serious weight shifting tonight.

When we come back, we'll check in with

Nick Diamond, who remains in a coma.

And after that, it's the gratuitously

violent moment everyone's been waiting

for, the devastation after this quick

break.

Welcome back Jack. What did you think of

that first fight? Ohh, that was great fun

Johnny. Couple of crazy broad smacking

the crap out of each other. Hell, I

didn't even know that was legal in the

States. Gentlemen, as I mentioned before,

my co-host Nick Diamond remains

hospitalized from an injury sustained

here during a recent bout. We're going

now to the hospital for a quick check

on our good Deathmatch buddy, Stacey.

Thanks, Johnny. Nick remains in critical

condition, but at the moment, he appears

to be stable. He is receiving. Morphine

to help with the pain, and

right now he actually seems to

be resting quite comfortably. Ohrady. No,

he's done that. Push the help

button, Nikki, grab the button and

push it.

Why is no one coming? Nikki, did

you push the button? I'm pushing it.

I'm pushing it. Look, Nicky, no, that's

not the nurse button. That's the

morphine. Well it seems

to have done the trick, but I don't

know. That's a lot of morphine. He looks

so peaceful but I can only imagine the

crazy dreams going on in his morphine

filled head head.

It's a very exciting night because two of

my favorite entertainers are here to

fight each other to the death just for

me. How

about a big hand from Mr.

Elvis Presley and Mr. Jerry Garcia?

Yeah, and introducing

special guest referee

Jimi Hendrix.

OK, now you can't be cool.

Be cool babies and we're going

to have a far out time

here tonight. You're cool. Now be

cool Elvis. You cool. I'm cool,

baby Jerry.

Hey, Joe. Yeah, I see.

Are you cool? Ohh dude,

I'm way cool.

Now let's fight, fight. I don't

wanna fight, man. I just wanna

hang. Everybody was coming. Looks like

Elvis is doing a little Kung

Fu fighting.

Don't mind. It's like, man, you're going

to get a piece of the king. Far out,

man. What's

the King's first in your stomach, fat

boy? And here's some Kung Fu with that

big hairy, funny looking head of yours.

Ohh get lost. Ohh this is

uncool. You're cramping my bud. Look

at Mama. In addition to being

a musical legend, Elvis is also

a third degree black belt.

And it appears Jerry has some fighting

skills of his own.



Everybody was.

Ohh.

Ohh, Elvis takes one and the

pelvis.

Ohh.

Far out, the king is

dead. Make my sick

friend, I want to sing this little

song I wrote for you.

Hope it's not too long before you

go home. Nick

is my friend, not his.

There's there's for you, Nikki, my oldest

son's sickest friend. I

think you're swell like apple

pie, but should you do

not die, die, die.

Oh my God.

Pick him up from his mop friend.

Let's get it out. Nurse. Nurse. A

lot of action so far tonight. Jack.

What do you think the rest of

the night has in store? Well, with

any luck, I can get Miss Crawford

back to shade Jackie for a little

screen test, if you know what I

mean. Ohh, I do, but it looks

like she and Janine have their hands

full. Stacey Lucinda's got her hands full

alright Johnny. And her mouth too. Ohh,

double cheeseburgers and extra gravy on

those master tails.

Can somebody please get me some water? I

don't think this is healthy. Well Johnny

sounds like they're feeling some regret

over that on the spot wager. Cindy looks

like she's got another 30 lbs to go,

while Janine seems to be right on

schedule. Back to you in the studio. Hey,

what's the name of that other one? The

sweaty 1?In the box, Janine. Yeah,

Janine. She's alright. Hey, you think she

wanna see my little Oscar? I'd like

to present it to her. Well, it's

just about time for our main event

to begin. And tonight is like no

other because we introduce a celebrity

Death match exclusive.

Domo devastation.

What the hell is that thing? Looks

like a damn bird cage. It's a

cage, all right. A cage of death.

And the devastation has been carefully

constructed. Out of super dense, high

tensile carbon fiber rods, They're

unbreakable and inescapable. Like Jim

Morrison once said to me, Johnny, no one

here gets out alive. For those of you

unfamiliar with these fighters, I should

tell you that tonight's main event came

together several weeks ago when these

three first met. Here's a clip.

What's this semblance parachuting into

the ring? Well now I have

seen everything. That's Jerry Springer.

Ohh, unbelievable. Ladies. Ladies yelling

insults and fist fighting on national

TV. Shame on you.

Haven't you ever heard of quality

programming? As you can see, these ladies

are not happy with this c*ck upstart.

I would expect some teamwork here

tonight. I have to admit Johnny, I'm

so excited I'm tingling. Me too Jack's

me too. Introducing former stand up

comedian and. All around

Wholesome host Rosie

O'Donnell. Thank you,

Thank you. And

her opponent, daytime

talk pioneer Oprah

Winfrey.

Looks like they have Cowboy had

some kind of beef with Oprah.

Good one Jack Pen. Lest we

forget controversial yet highly

successful trash talk Titan Jerry

Springer. Thank you, I love you

all especially. Those of you not wearing

any pants, I want a good clean fight

and there will be no bodyguards around to

break this up. This is a fight to

the death. May the best host win.

He wasted no time taking Springer down.

Rosie is giving Jerry some bodywork and

Oprah is joining in on the farm.

And what the hell is that?

Was shark bite to the neck and Jerry

springs into action, making his way up

that Dome.

It looks like this is the end of Jerry.

Make a wish, Rosie. Wait, I have

a wish. I wish that we could

all just get along and use our

talk shows for good rather than evil,

say.

Looks like I didn't get my wish.

Incredible move by Jerry Springer. He has

literally sprung himself from that trap.

The 2 ladies are really giving him a

hard time. That is so typical of women.

Jack. Something strange is going on down

there. Rousey, let me ask you something.

Isn't there some secret?You've been

hiding from Oprah. What? What are

you hiding? I'm not hiding anything,

Rosie. Tell the truth. Tell Oprah

about your secret crush on Stedman.

Stedman Graham, My boyfriend. Wow.

Jealous. The ultimate weapon hits. Got

Oprah looking for blood, sire.

Tell us your thoughts. Yeah, well, I

think Rosie's a slug and she's got

no respectability. Yeah, Rosie, it's the

way you're respectability there. What?

They said you're nothing but a cheap

slot. Oh, oh, damn. OHS on the

receiving end of the punishment. Jack,

it's a. Little slugfest here. These

two ladies are really hammering each

other.

At this rate, neither one is

gonna last much longer. Ohh. Rosie,

wait. This guy has us all

riled up. You may have no

reason to fight. It's spring. Or

we should be worrying about, right?

Yeah, you're absolutely right. Get them

away and the 2 ladies have joined

forces again. Amazing. They buried their

hatchets with each other and are now

turning the heat on. Jerry, Johnny, it

looks like they're working towards that

double wishbone again. This move really

burns me in. What about my final

thought? Sorry pal, you.

Wow.

And Jerry Springer is out. Oprah and

Rosie have teamed up to tear him up.

And with the double Wishbone, the trash

talk Titan is toast. Thank you, thank

you, thank you for the Kingdom. You're

beautiful. We love you so much, Rosie.

I'm sorry. This got so out of hand

too. Oprah. I'm sorry. In the

stomach, really, and I'm sorry I pummeled

you on the back of the head. Friends,

friends. Reconciliation. What

the hell is this? You know the rules.



Well, you heard the man. Ohh, bro. Whoa.

Lookout, Jack. It's an Oprah double

Croft. She didn't even see it coming for

crying out loud. Right

here. An

incredible surprise to close out this

long-awaited 3 way battle that Oprah is

really something. Yes, while Oprah and

Rosie are both something in their own

large bottom way, it's that Cindy

Crawford that really jacks up my Buick.

By the way, what's going on with that

little vixen Stacey?Well, it's not

pretty, Jack. Cindy is closing in on

that £50 goal pretty quickly. Meanwhile,

Janine has already met her goal. Janine.

Wow. Is Jack Nicholson up there? Hey,

Jack. Hey, come down here. I'd love

to meet you. No, thank you, sister.

I I gotta staying up here with

my pal. John, I'd rather hook up with

Springer for crying out loud. 2 great

fights and a lot of great action tonight.

Speaking of action Jack, you have a

challenge to make, right? Hell yes

Johnny, this punk Leonardo DiCaprio is

running around with every chick in town

and here I am a three time Oscar

winner. With my own personal Titanic

right here in my pants and I can't even

sink. I don't know, Jack Leonardo may not

have an Oscar, but he is a hot young

stud. Johnny, he's a little tiny, snot

nosed, has been in training. Are you sure

you should be saying this? I mean, this

is a star-studded event. Leonardo could

be right behind that. You're listening to

every word you say, John the man. Nothing

would make me happier, but he's probably

out playing flashlight tag with his

little teen beat buddies. Don't be too

sure, Jack. Leonardo, come on out.

Listen, you washed up old grief bag. I'm

the real king of Hollywood. In fact, I'm

the king of the world. The sad truth

is, kid, you're just another pretty face

who can't act. Ohh, yeah, well, I can

fight. I'm looking to shove those words

right up your jackhole, Junior. If you

fight as well as you act, then I'm

afraid you're going down faster than that

friggin boat. I'll see you in the rain,

ladies and gentlemen. You heard it here

first. It's old Hollywood versus New

Hollywood as Jack Nicholson challenges

Leonardo DiCaprio to a fight to the

death. We'll keep you posted as to

when this fight will take place. Until

then, good fight, good night.