01x07 - Presented by Big Bull Beer

[bunniefuu]

Who will prevail when 2 sessy songs this

is slap it out in a medieval melee? What

will happen when a lightning fast brain

tries to close the door on some lightning

fast beat? And who will remain standing

when a c*ck young Hollywood heartthrob?

Rise to Out Punch and legendary Hollywood

Lothario. All this and more will be

answered in tonight's cavalcade of

Cruelty on Cell. Liberty

Deathmatch. Hello again

everybody. I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm Nick

Diamond. Before we begin tonight's

action-packed festivities, I'd like to

introduce our newest sponsor from the Big

Bold Beer Brewing Company, Mr. Ken

Kenworthy. Thank you. Neil, first of all

is a sponsor of Celebrity Deathmatch. I'd

like to present you. With this check

for $1 million and secondly, me and

the folks back at the Brewing Company

are pleased to unveil the newest addition

to the Death Match Arena.

Wow, I'm in the bull, ladies and

gentlemen. All right. Thank you, Ken

Kenworthy, and thank you for your

generous sponsorship of our show.



lot of blood with that kind of dough

and maybe get us some. Air conditioning

in here, that would be nice.

Now, Johnny, there's plenty of super

violent action on tap here tonight.

OHH, fighters are just mention our

new Big Bull beer light.

Big Bull Beer light, ladies and

gentlemen. Great stuff. Thank you, Ken.

You bet I've got 3 words for

you, Nick. World's deadliest Diva. That's

the title our first two combatants are

fighting for. Legendary filmmaker,

actress and recording artist Barbara

Streisand is here to take on another

legendary recording artist. The Queen of

Soul, Aretha Franklin. 2 enormous talents

and two enormous egos. Sounds like a

recipe for trouble, Johnny, You've got

that right. It's going to be 1 especially

brutal battle, since tonight we're

allowing each of our fighters to select a

medieval weapon of her choice to take

into the ring. That order. Check it up.

Watch and the celebrity commotion

continues in our second bow as Microsoft

honcho Bill Gates takes on Lord of

the Dance Michael Flatley. Wow, that

seems like an unusual undercard, Nick,

what brings these two together? I don't

have an answer to that, Johnny. What

I do know is that both here

and they're. Eager to get into that

ring? Well, that's good enough for me.

Ohh man. Event brings together 2 of

Hollywood's hottest stars, Leonardo Di

Caprio and Jack Nicholson. This fight has

been brewing for a long time, Nick.

Viewers may remember a few weeks ago when

Jack helped out on this show. He made

some offhand. Marks that did not sit well

with young Leo. Well, words turned into

threats, and those threats turned quickly

into a death match challenge. And here

they are tonight, ready to put those ugly

words into ugly action. Right now,

though, Stacey Cornbread is down in the

locker room with Bill Gates. Let's take a

look.

The world wants to know why are you here

tonight? What do you have against Michael

Flatley? You know, I don't really have

anything against the guy. I'm just out

touring the convention circuit and it

seemed like an arena packed with beer

guzzling, violence loving death match

fans would be the perfect place to

promote my new software. So tell us

how are you preparing for this fight to

the death? Well, I didn't want to take a

chance of getting whacked here tonight,

you know say hello to flatly 98 the

ultimate and death match training

devices. This baby walks talks and fights

just like Fred Astaire over there and

thanks to these action mittens, which I

used to. I

am 100% prepared for this fight.

Intriguing stuff here Nick and Donnie,

but we are no closer to an answer as

to why these two are fighting. Let's

check with his opponent, Michael Flatley.

Well, Michael, big fight tonight. How are

you preparing? I got rolls of these

headquarters and I'm stuffing them into

magic shoes. One slap of these beauties

and gets will be counting his teeth on

one hand. But the question remains, why?

What brings you here? Fighting Bill

Gates, I guess. I don't know. There was a

limo at my flat and they told me to get

in and here I am. Well, thank you,

Michael. Well guys, the plot thickens

back to you in the studio.

Thanks, Stacey. Well, our first fight is

about to start. Let's go ringside as

Aretha Franklin takes on Barbra

Streisand. Johnny, I can barely contain

myself. I just love Barbara. I must have

seen Funny Girl a dozen times Ohh and

Yandel, who Don't get me started while

the fighters are getting ready. Let's.

Check out the weapons that they'll be

choosing from. Wow. It's like the prop

shop from Braveheart down there. Some

scary stuff. It looks like referee Mills

Lane is ready to get this going. Let's

go into the ring. OK, ladies, let's get

along. You picked that fat rat. How

appropriate. Ohh. Yeah. Well, listen.

Knowing this battle axe is gonna cut

through you like butter.

We're Going to miss by Streisand has

Aretha on the road. Show me what you've

got, Big nose, Barbara answers with an

expert to the chin that's got Aretha all

fired up. The Funny

Girl has nothing to laugh about there.

I got something for the right side of

your face. Ohh.

RESPECT for Aretha there,

Johnny. More like SUTURES.

Now Aretha's on the attack, but

ohh, she's having some trouble with

that face. Look at ohh, good

reflexes.

Come on, funny girl. Come on Funny girl.

Looks like Barbara's getting that long

overdue nose job after all.

Come on. Ohh, look at this.

Barbara is going back to the

medieval weapons table. Ohh. Heads up,

Barbara, it's Aretha's turn. Sister. I'm

taking your bone there, **** downtown.

Let's see if she could put

that Lance launcher where her mouth

is. Big miss for Aretha. Look

up. Barbara's got the Chapel and a

reefers hurt. Barbara has knocked off one

of her arms. Nick, I think that maybe

it did you just take Barbara's picture.

Didn't I specifically tell you not to

take a picture from Barbara's right side?

I didn't want to have to do this,

but she left.

What is Aretha doing?

Like there's something strange going on

here. Is Aretha playing dead? Ohh, looks

like the fight is over and I

am the winner. Hurray for me. Why

am I thirsty? Are you seeing what

I'm seeing? Can you piece together this

puzzle? I think I can.

I see a diseased rat, I see a

healthy human body. I see the bubonic

plague move, the ultimate in medieval

weaponry. It kills 1/4 of Europe's

population back in the 14th century, and

it takes down one more. Tonight, ladies

and gentlemen, we may have to quarantine

the ring.

And Aretha Franklin wins.

Nick, how about that for a fantastic

finish? Although she k*lled off one of my

favorite performers, I have to give the

lady credit for her incredible strategy.

Stick around for more Celebrity

Deathmatch action after this. Ain't me

forgetting something. Ohh, right, of

course. Sure, ladies and gentlemen.

Celebrity Deathmatch is brought to you by

our good friends at the Big Bowl Beer

Brewing Company. No, it's not big bull

beer, it's big Bull beer. Now tell him

to look for the big bull bear with

the big bull taste. Ladies and gentlemen,

don't forget to look for the Big bowl

beer with the. Taste.

Get it right next time.

We'll be back in just a little bit.

Celebrity Deathmatch is brought to you

tonight by the Big Bowl Beer Brewing

Company, Atlanta, GA.

Now back to Celebrity Deathmatch, brought

to you by the Big Bowl Beer

Brewing Company. Enjoy the great taste of

Big Bull anytime. Welcome back, Let's go

down to ringside. There's Stacey

Cornbread is knee deep in the deathmatch

ruckus. I'm here with one of our fighters

in tonight's main event, Mister Jack

Nicholson. Hey little lady Jack, some

fans would like to ask you a couple

of questions. Hello ladies. How are you

all doing when you're prepping for a

role? How do you usually there's little

dressing. He must be inside.

Gets in here, everybody gets back to

you guys.

Thank you, Stacey, and I've just received

confirmation as to why the fighters in

our next bout are here tonight. And why

is that, Nick? It seems to have been

a clerical error. That's it. No old

grudges, no bitter rivalry. Just a bug in

the deathmatch software. Bye. Now that is

some beautiful irony. They may be here by

accident, but they're here nonetheless,

and they're ready to fight. I tell you,

Johnny, for someone who sits in front of

a computer all day, this guy is really on

his toes. Ohh. You know, the guy with

that kind of dough really shouldn't have

to cut his own hair. And there's his

fleet footed competitor, Lord of the

Dance, Michael Flatley. Those fast beat

pectin lead look mighty lethal. I've read

that it's the size of Flatley's feet that

is the key to his incredible dancing

skill. Johnny, You know what else it

means when a guy has really big feet?

What it means he has one hell of a time

finding comfortable dancing shoes. OK,

I want a good clean fight. No hitting

below the belt and no running away from

each other like little Sissy chicken

baby. Let's get it on. Reminder

to our viewers, these two aren't

fighting for any particular title, so

for now, we'll just call this

the Battle of the Clerical Error.

Yes, new Celebrity Deathmatch tradition.

Yeah.

Johnny, the Lord of the Dance, is quickly

trying to establish himself as Lord of

the right cross. Well, if he keeps

getting hit like that, he'll be the Lord

of the emergency room. I like that

headband he's wearing. It's like a Stevie

Nicks thing. Bill Gates starting trouble

early. Yeah, look at

that. He's using that headband. Nick, I

don't think Bill Gates was prepared for

something like this. No, but this will

teach him to keep his shock. We're

upgraded. Big move

by Gates. He's really punishing. Flatly.

Ohh. I don't think Flatley's going to

take that line down, Nick. It looks

like Gates is in trouble. He's mesmerized

by those incredible dancing feet. Look at

that, Johnny. What is happening to Gates?

It's that infectious stance that. Nobody

can resist, Jake says. Getting sucked in.

Well, somebody better get in there and

restart him before Flatley gets in there

with those feet.

Looks like Gates is going to have to rely

on some hardware to put a stop to this

action. Ohh,

Gates tries to jam the legs, but

the legs are too powerful. Flatley's

getting ready to unleash something

horrible on Gates, and there he goes.

Bill Gates is getting pummeled by Michael

Flatley and his deadly dogs. I think

this fight is almost over, ladies and

gentlemen. Jake was on his feet but he's

a long way from winning this fight.

Another kick in the head from Flatley and

he'll be more useless than a Commodore

Vic 20. What's he doing,

Johnny? Mick. It looks like she's pulling

out some kind of secret weapon. He's got

those electric mittens again, is it?

Guess here it comes. It's the robotic.

Flatly, it didn't do Bill Gates much good

and preparing for the five, but let's see

if it can earn its keep right now.

Nick, it looks like Flatley's the one

who's in trouble. An incredible turn

around in this fight.

You know, Michael Flatley always wanted a

break into show business, but I don't

think this is what he had in mind.

Bill Gates is the winner.

Something's wrong with the robot. This

fight is not over yet. The

robots out of control. Bill Gates

is in trouble before retrying. Failed.

Ohh, Bill Gates destroyed by his

own creation. It's a veritable

Frankenstein's monster. The new winner

is the robotic flatly. What an

amazing fight.

And there's lots more action to come,

including our main event, Jack Nicholson

versus Leonardo DiCaprio, as soon as we

finish enjoying these delicious big bull

beers. I

tell you Johnny, the clean, crisp taste

of Big Bull Beer never gets me

down. Celebrity Death Match is brought to

you tonight by the Big Bowl Beer

Brewing Company, Atlanta, GA.

Now back to Celebrity Deathmatch, brought

to you by the Big Bowl Beer

Brewing Company. Enjoy the great taste of

Big Bowl anytime. Welcome back to

celebrity. That match where our main

event is just moments away, Johnny, the

noise in this arena has really picked up.

There are a lot of ladies in the house

who have come here to see these two

combatants and they're making themselves

heard.

There he is, the newest king

of the silver screen. In the

red corner, it's Leonardo DiCaprio.

Talent and beauty. This kid has

it all. He really is a

handsome young man, beautiful skin. And

now fighting out of the blue

corner, it's Jack Nicholson.

I want a good clean fight and remember

big Bull being as a Christ, full body

being that goes down smooth and never

comes back up. By the way Leo, how's

puberty going? Hey you all, At least I

have hair on my head.

A good start. OK, let's get it on.

Running away with the celebrity death

match main event.

Leo's taking an early beating, but he's

a tough little kid. He's got a

lot of heart, Johnny. Oh, Oh. Jack

looks a little embarrassed. I think that

hurt his pride more than his body.

Listen, Pops, maybe you were all the

rage in the 70s, but now I'm

the. The best face in Hollywood. Are you

just a crazy old man, Leo? The truth

of the matter is you want the truth.

You can't handle the truth. Well, here's

something I can handle. Johnny. What is

Nicholson doing? Save it for the ladies

at the nursing home. Grandpa, I can

handle this. Here, 300.

Kid, I'm Hollywood royalty. I do what

I want.

I'm not gonna hurt you, Lean. I'm just

gonna bash your brains in, bash them

right the hell in, Jack lines up with the

three iron.

Another award-winning performance.

You laughing at me, punk?

That last comment really seems to have

teed off Nicholson.



My mouth. Ohh, looking good there. How

pretty. Ohh, that's going to hurt Leo's

box office draw. You're right Johnny,

unless they do another Dumb and Dumber.

Sounds like a few people in the

arena aren't too happy with this turn

of events. Ohh, my

nose. Ohh, Johnny Leo is getting uglier.

Yeah, he'll be breathing through his

mouth for a few weeks. Ohh, Jack's gotten

a hold of him again and he's looking

to do some permanent damage to Leo's

hair. There's no way this crowd is going

to stand for that kind of brutality. This

kid will never. American pictures again.

Leo goes down hard but he seems ready

to make a comeback. Ohh look, Leo's hair

is must. It looks like he's just woken

up. Yeah, the ladies do love that tussled

hair puppy dog look. How Leo is still

on his feet is anybody's guess. Ohh my

gosh. Big move by Leo. And now

it's Jack who's down. Leonardo DiCaprio

has turned this fight around. He

has pummeling his opponent like nobody's

business. And Jack Nicholson is

unconscious. Can it be has David

slaying Goliath? I think he has.

This is amazing. What an upset.

I'm the king of the world.

Look at Nick, it looks like Jack is back

and he's going to try to storm the King's

castle. Looks like Leo's about to get

some ankle grab. Jack

takes him down. A

king of the world. You've just been the

throne. I wouldn't have believed it if I

hadn't seen it with my own eyes. Yet

another incredible reversal of fortune.

Get alone to you.

Ohh, I didn't need to see that. Listen.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Nicholsonwins.

Thank you, thank you so damn

much, Hebrew and Leo's face got

the *******. This does

not look good. The fans are tearing this

place apart. I hope we can make it out

of here alive. I've seen a lot of

carnival things in my day, but there's

nothing more terrifying than a rabbit.

Leonardo DiCaprio fan. Look out, Nick.

There goes Bobby the bow.

Believable. Ohh. OK, so this is the

kind of operation you've clowns are

running here. Well, you can keep your

stupid Joe Big Bull bear. We'll find

someone else to sell our clean, crisp

beer.

And that frigging bull is

gonna cost you 5000 bucks.

Well, another exciting night with

another unusual ending. So for

Celebrity Deathmatch, I'm Johnny Gomez.

And I'm Nick Diamond saying

good fight, good night, and

you're clear. Man, how

about that guy? What a horses that. I

guess we could forget about air

conditioning. Ah, the hell with him. I'll

bring in a fan. Works for me. That

beer tastes like crap anyway. Yeah, like

big bull crap.

What the?Hey, is this

thing still on?What?