01x09 - Fandemonium I

[bunniefuu]

What happens when millions of death match

fans right into tell us which celebrities

they want to see beat each other to

a bloody lifeless Pope? What happens is

that we make it happen tonight on

Celebrity. But friend.

Ammonium.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm

Johnny Gomez and I'm Nick Diamond.

Tonight. It's a very special show

designed by our loyal viewers who've

logged onto the Celebrity Deathmatch

website to cast their vote. It's clear

from the millions of hits we've received

that there's nothing you folks want more

than to see some of America's most

beautiful. People take a few

hits of their own, and

that's exactly what we have

here tonight on Celebrity Deathmatch

Pandemonium.

I love that. So now it's first

five Pitch 2 heavyweights from the high

profile world of professional wrestling.

It's an interoffice imbroglio when Vince

McMahon, the dashing, debonair and

dictatorial leader of the World Wrestling

Federation, takes on his insubordinate

subordinate Stone Cold Steve Austin.

After that. They'll get down to some

ferocious, funny business as Chris Rock

and Adam Sandler fight for the title of

the world's funniest comic. We love their

stand up, we love their movies, and we're

sure gonna love seeing one of them wind

up in pieces. And that, of course, brings

us to our main event. You said you wanted

baby. You said you wanted bikinis. You

said you wanted blood, you said you

wanted mud. And since tonight's show is

for you, our loyal viewers, we're giving

you everything we've got. That's right,

Nick, we have Jenny McCarthy and Carmen

Electra slapping each other silly in a

sloppy ring of mud. It won't be long till

we have one big time filthy hellhole on

our hands. And what better person to

supervise this saline injected slugfest

then radio personality and death match

champion Howard Stern? Hey, Bubba boy,

what the Hell's the matter with

you now? Hurry up, moron. OK,

Bob. Sorry, Bob. Yeah. Yeah, Howie.

Howie, you rule. Man, this sucks.

But yes, you are correct my friend. I'm

his does indeed suck. Thank you for

saying so. Yeah, Howard, what can we look

forward to in tonight's main event? Yes,

what I'm looking forward to here is at

couple of hot Broads smacking the crap

out of each other in bikinis, covered in

mud, having sex with each other and with

B2. Hopefully that's not cheating, is it?

I'm certain at least part of that will

happen here tonight. Hey, what do you

mean all of that will happen tonight? I

make the rules, honey. I am the king

of all media. Well, we're just about to

get underway with celebrity death match

Pandemonium. Tonight's opening bout is

what Death matches. All about a classic

conflict between employee and boss. And

let's face it, who doesn't want to kick

his boss's butts? Don't get me started,

Nick. Let's take a moment for a brief

history of these two maniacs. Stone Cold

Steve Austin, the most popular champion

in World Wrestling Federation history,

and his fans are here. Back him

up, but Stone Colds none too popular with

his boss, owner of the World Wrestling

Federation Vince McMahon. In fact, there

was an incident that took place right

here on Celebrity Deathmatch that

typifies their rocky relationship. Roll

that tape, please.

So so as Doug McMahon. Sorry. Yes. And

that's the bottom line. Don't go Steve

Austin. Who the hell do you think you

are? You dare to disparage me. You're

nothing but a foul mouth, beer swelling

son of a bich bich. I appreciate the

compliments. And right after I finish

this beverage, I'm going to knock that

damn too. Take off that stupid little

head of yours and shove it right up. You

emptied it, fool. Your physicality is no

match for my superior mental acumen.

That's why I'm the boss and I'll prove it

in the ring. Ohh. Yeah. Well, listen up,

you silly *******. I'll go you one better

than that. We're not going to sell this

in any old wrestling ring. We're going to

settle this in a death match ring. You're

on. Like Stone

Cold said Nick, sometimes life's little

problems can only be solved here in our

humble deathmatch arena, and the time has

come to do just that as our fighters are

now at ringside. Let's go check it out.

Hey Stone Cold, I got your stone right

here buddy. Compliments of the

Undertaker. Friction down

there Nick. Ohh, that's got to be an ugly

night. Enjoy you jam and know the rules.

I want a good clean fight. Now let's get

it on.

That Stone cold can really take a hit.

McMahon starts things off old school

style with the Texas Toast Slam.

Ohh add that to my 401K

boss. Sound financial planning by the

champion but then shakes it off

and he answers with a clothesline.

Vince is in desperation now.

What you're reaching for? Ohh, whip

cream. The rules of this fight clearly

prohibit the use of ozone depleting

aerosols. Stone calls. Not too happy

about this. He'll be lucky if he can

see well enough to get through this

fight. Meanwhile, we'll see if Vince

McMahon tries to take advantage of this

despicable move. This big band

slobbering Stone Cold. How much longer

can this go on? Ohh lookout. Ohh,

super fly looks like trouble for Stone

Cold. And he smacked right through the

canvas. Hey Stone Cold, I just proved

you're beneath me just like all the

other little people. Vince

Mcmann verbally abusing his employee. I

don't know that Stone Cold can recover

from this kind of humiliation. Hey

Austin, we can either bury you now down

in that hole or ship your body back

to Texas in the Undertakers coffee.

Star. Here you go, Pitch. Here's a

little mental acumen for you. The

legendary Stone Cold stunner and Vince

Mcmann is out. And

incredible upset. Stone Cold is the

winner, Johnny. I don't think Stone Cold

is done with him yet. If you want

to see me big bets with man with

this tombstone, give me a hell yeah.

Yeah.

If you want to see Stone Cold plant

McMahon's ***** in this coffin, give me

another. Hell yeah. That's why they love

him. Johnny Stone Cold gives the fans

exactly what they want. Ohh. And if you

want to see me drag gets Coffin out into

a field and set it ablaze, give me one

more hell yeah.

And that's the bottom line cause Stone

Cold said. So there's no stopping Stone

Cold now. I think he's on a roll.

Well, I think it's time to go to

a commercial, Johnny, stick around

because there's a lot more gratuitous

brutality to come when celebrity death

match. Audio

continues right after

this.

I should go now. I'm

Lambros from Atlantic City. I would

like to see S*ddam Hussein peel

the skin off of that Yankee

infidel, Bill Clinton.

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen 2

Celebrity Deathmatch fandom Imodium and

awesome first match here tonight as Stone

Cold Steve Austin took on arch nemesis

Vince McMahon. Stone Cold was put through

his paces early on, but a 2

stone to the back of the head

and Vince was history. One terrifying

tussle down to to go. There are some

really interesting matchups tonight, and

our next bout pits Chris Rock against

Adam Sandler for the title of the World's

Funniest Comic. We had to work a little

harder to make this next fight happen,

since the fighters involved wanted

nothing to do with it after repeated

phone calls. Letters and faxes requesting

their presence. Neither of these two were

cooperating, but the fans wanted them. So

we had to take matters into our

own hands and bring them in ourselves.

Take a look. Let's move.



Bathroom.

Oh, oh, are you guys Adam

Sandler? You're coming with us. Ohh.

No, I'm not bagging. Ohh. You

look good. I've been here. That's

what I'm talking about. What's up,

man? Let's go.

Who the hell are you? Celebrity

Deathmatch. Now get the hell out of my

house. You're coming with us. Say hello.

Hey. Hey, baby. Come along and gocollect.

It took a little extra work, but we'll

do whatever it takes to keep our

customers satisfied. That's our death

match guarantee. Let's go down to referee

Mills Lane. OK? I want a good, clean

fight. The winner is the one who makes

that a lie. The loser is, well, you

do the math. Let's get it on.

Let's get it on, I said. What the

Hell's going on in there? Johnny? Don't

make me come over there. Let me

understand it. We're supposed to fight

each other until one of us is dead.

That is correct. I'm sorry, but that's

the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard

in my life. Biting nobody to death.

Ohh, yes you are. Ohh, no I'm not. Me

neither. This show is stupider than the

last three seasons of Saturday Night Live

combined. What now? Get it on before I do

something best. Not much developing so

far, Nick. Neither one of them looks too

enthusiastic. We have

our practicality. Team is moving in to

prevent any type of escape. 2

professional entertainers who are just

unwilling to give this crowd what they

want. It's downright selfish. Wait a

second. Something's happening down there.

Nick, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm

not sure that play fighting counts.

Please, you're k*lling me.

Ohh my arm, I'm dying please.

Ohh I'm not going to make

it. Wow, Johnny. Call me a

skeptic, but I don't think either

of them is really dead.

OK, you 2 babies. That's it. If you're

not gonna get it on, I'll get it

on for you. Think this is unprecedented?

Only in cases of extreme reluctance, when

combatants simply refused to get it on,

do we see this horrible device. Ladies

and gentlemen, it's the Celebrity

Deathmatch fan of fandom.

Those razor sharp blades are going to

lower until we have a winner. Bottom line

Johnny, if somebody doesn't win,

everybody loses. Everybody but the crowd.

That is so. I

guess. I guess we should. No offense,

you know. Yeah, I know. None taken.

And the fight is on. Now.

This is some deathmatch action.

Now, Oh yeah, what did he

do? Chris Rock is in trouble.

Adam Sandler trying to put him

away before it's too late.

It looks like the Sandman is gonna put

Chris Rock to sleep. But wait, look out

at him. Ohh. Tremendous courage by

Sandler. Even with one arm, he continues

to dominate this fight. And Sandra knocks

Chris Rock right out of the ring. Give

that man a hand back in there. Good

one, Nick. I'm gonna

drop you like a bad habit. Chris Rock is

ready to turn this fight around. Good

combination there. And he's looking to

finish him off that. I have to do this.

Ohh, pal.

It's the Mexican liver punch, ladies and

gentlemen. Chris is actually holding Adam

Sandler by his liver. Ohh, that is

gonna hurt.

Hey, Chris Rock is the winner, yeah.

Put a man up in here, man.

Incredible. This fight is over.

Johnny Mill seems to be having some

difficulty shutting off the fan of

Pandemonium. What's wrong with your

state? Prison better get out of that

ring. Oh my God, those guards aren't

letting him leave. I don't think they

know the fight is over. If Mills Lane

doesn't shut off that fan, we're going to

have a real mess on our hands.

Bill's late is too late and Chris Rock

pays the price, ladies and gentlemen, I

guess, Well, I I guess Chris Walker is

both the winner and the loser in this

fight. Although frankly, they get doesn't

seem like our audience cares too much

either way. After all, it was a fantastic

finish to a fantastic fight. That's

right, and while the fight may be

over, the night is still young. Our

main event is just around the corner,

so stick around as Celebrity Deathmatch

pandemonium continues after this.

Why don't you go first, honey? Well, I'd

like to see Bette Midler's head exploded.

The tiny little fragments. What's wrong

with you? Come on. What's wrong with

that? It's a little offensive. I mean,

it's a comedy. Come on. But it's

violent and it's. It's enough already.

Yeah, but it's enough. You're watching

Celebrity Deathmatch fandom Ammonium. If

you're just joining us, you missed our

show stopping fight between Adam Sandler

and Chris Rock. I'm Mexican. Liver Punch

took Adam Sandler out of the picture.

Then the fan of Pandemonium took out

Chris Rock. No one goes home empty

handed tonight. We've had two great

fights tonight with one more to go.

Ladies and gentlemen, the people have

spoken. They want 2 ***** babes in mud

and they're going to get them. Jenny

McCarthy takes on Carmen Electra right

here, right now, and let's go down now

as guest referee. Howard Stern makes his

triumphant return to the Death Bowl. Yes,

I am wise. I am powerful. I am

hung like a seahorse. Before we begin, we

should remind everyone that Jenny and

Carmen will be fighting in a ring full

of fix sloppy mud. These lovely ladies

are going to get down and dirty tonight.

OK, well, it looks like our fighters

are about ready. German.

Yeah. Nice job running singled out into

the ground. Ohh. Yeah. Well,

congratulations on the big success of the

Jenny McCarthy show. I flushed funnier

things down the toilet. All right, break

it up, ladies. Hey, this is all

right. Right now, ladies,

you are both very beautiful, very

talented and very sexy. Now I wanna

dirty, nasty, filthy fight, and if either

of you gets a crap, I'll be happy

to massage it out for you. All right

now let's get it on literally if possible

to the attacks, but Carmen answers with

the need for the. That mud hasn't

slowed her down one bit.

OK, OK. All right. Hey, break it up,

ladies. Go to your corners, please.

Johnny, what do you suppose the problem

is? I don't know, Nick. Maybe Jenny has a

problem with her tongue. She's gone

almost an entire minute without sticking

it out. Hey, are you OK, honey? You got

clock pretty good there. I'm fine. Let me

add him. Well, I don't know. You might

need stitches. Hey, let me examine you.

Ohh yes you are so hot. By the

way, this isn't cheating you though.

Ohh man.



creating one headbutt after another. I

feel their pain. Johnny backpacker put on

Carmen and brutal follow-up Jenny has

singled out Carmen for destruction. All

right, OK, break it up. Break it

up, ladies, back to your.

Ohh yes ohh Tell me where it hurts honey.

Let me let me rub it for you. What

do you and Howard goes down.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am now

fully aroused. Yes, Jenny McCarthy is

taking a brutal beating. I haven't

felt this sorry for her since

I watched her network show.

Ladies. Hey ladies, where'd you go? Ohh,

hide and seek. Very good. Very good.

This is so sexy.

Ohh alright girls, enough is enough. You

want to get naked for me or what? Our

audience? What do you say?

Take it off. Take it off. Take

it off, baby. But I can't stand

Scott. Me neither. Let's get him.

Alright. Very good. Here we go. This

is fantastic. Wait a minute. Ohh, that

hurts. Hey, stop it. Hey, girls, this

is some fun anymore. Look out. Howard.

Those girls mean business. Stand back to

enormously endowed bembos, or else I'll

do to you what I did to Kathy

Lee. Do you want that? Bring it on.

You want? Or we can take it. Ohh.

Yeah. Well, then stand by for a blast

from my powerful but bazooka. The fans

are delighted. Howard Stern giving them

an encore performance of his signature.

Brace yourself Johnny, I smell trouble.

Alright, here it comes ladies. It was

nice knowing you.

Run while you can.

This fumes melt silicone too, you know.

Just a SEC. Yeah, come on,

come on. OK, now I can

feel it. I'm busting loose. Stand

by for my devastatingly disgusting

discords. Here it comes.

Nick, I think something's wrong with

Howard's animal a*tillery. I'll tell you

what's wrong, Johnny. That cannon is

caked with mud, and the malodorous

monster cooped up inside has nowhere to

go. Howard looks panicked. I

sure hope that's bugged on his pants.

No, I can't take her his:

Somebody help me?

Carmen, run for your life while you still

can. Daddy get away from there. He's

going to throw. Go on Corbin. Run. Run,

sucker.

Ohh my ***** it's ruined. Hey

Carmen was a good for you

too. Carmen, Carmen. Jenny McCarthy is

the winner. A mud clogged sphincter

spells victory for Jenny McCarthy and

backdoor devastation. For the King of all

media, it's plain to see, ladies and

gentlemen, the blockbusters exploding

products literally backfired on him. And

with that: cleansing catastrophe, this

slippery scuffle is brought to an

expl*sive conclusion. One thing's for

sure, Johnny, how it'll be doing the rest

of his talk show standing up.

Then the only thing left to

say is thank you, ladies and

gentlemen, for devising an evening filled

with such first class devastation and

misery. I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm

Nick Diamond, and this has been

Celebrity Deathmatch fandom ammonium.

Good fight, good night.