01x12 - Masters of the Martial Arts

[bunniefuu]

Brains versus Braun. TV celebs battle it

out. Good girl versus bad girl. 2

musical mates make for a melee. The

muscles from Brussels versus their

homeboy from Hong Kong. Plus, a

special mystery guest referee,

all tonight on Celebrity

Deathmatch. Welcome

fight fans to the show where death has

finally met its match. I'm Johnny Gomez

and I'm Nick Diamond. We've got a lineup

of matches this evening that'll blow you

through the back of your chairs. First up

there's Roseanne taking on Kelsey

Grammar, TV's working class hero versus

TV's upper class snob. It's a classic.

Eyebrows, though. Brow bone cruncher. Our

second undercard brings together Brandy

and Courtney Love. The nicest gallon. Pop

music versus rocks. Baddest fraud. It's

the sweet versus the sour, the kind

versus the cruel. The nice day. We

get the idea, Nick, but everything's

going to be riding on tonight's main

bout between. Did they Kung Fu fighters

Jackie Chan and Jean-Claude Van Damme?

That Jackie Chan, he does some incredible

stunts. Ever seen those crazy outtakes at

the end of his movies? I sure have,

Nick. In fact, we'll have exclusive,

never before seen footage of one of those

outtakes a little later on. Johnny, I've

just gotten word that. The mystery guest

referee for the main bout has arrived.

Let's take a look. There

he is, whoever he is.

Why, it's hard as hell to see where

you're going in those mystery hoods. I'm

amazed the celebrities put up with it.

Anything to get on TV, Nick. Speaking of

TV, our first bout is between two

familiar faces from the **** tube. Kelsey

Grammar and Roseanne, welcome back. Pants

are now in the ring. Johnny. Let's get

this fight on its feet. In the

blue corner, a real backstreet

brawler, the Domestic Goddess herself,

Roseanne.

And in the red corner, he's

a master of dry wit and

biting sarcasm. From the hit series

Frasier, Chelsea Grammar.

I'm running a rock and sock you block off

from down. You are a crude, vulgar

trawler who should not be allowed to

leave her trailer park.

I've explained the rules to both of you.

Now keep your wisecrack short and funny

and let's get it on.

Roseanne's gotta look up pure

determination. She's hungry for Kelsey

Grammar's blood. Ordinarily, I don't

believe in lowering myself to this

kind of violence.

Get on your knees and worship me. I'm

gonna make you my sl*ve.

Well, if we must engage in fisticuffs,

then we simply must. I shall fight for

the freedom of thinking men everywhere.

Sanders airborne? Not for long, Johnny.

She's coming down hard.

The **** slam, there's a lot of power

behind that behind. Kelsey's going to

have to make a pretty fast recovery if

he wants to stay in this fight. You've

got that right. Here's an interesting to

move. I believe I saw Baryshnikov execute

this in Swan Lake.

You sound pretty dance moves from Kelsey.

He's got Roseanne doing spin the globe.

This is more enjoyable than a good

bottle of Beaujolais.

Parents are my son, WrestleMania



South for the trust grab and follows

up with a bloody slam. Here's a

move I learned from the ancient Greeks.

Council counters with a classic chokehold

bringing Roseanne to her knees. She's

making mashed potatoes out of Chelsea's

nose. Amy Harris

down last night's dinner. Ohh, looks like

yes, Rosanna's pulling a Venus fly trap.

She's going to let her stomach juices

do the heavy lifting.

Now, personally, I've always found

Frazier a little hard to digest. He's

still putting up a fight. I wonder

how Chelsea's doing in there.

Hello anyone here?

My God this is truly

repulsive.

Appalling.

Spanish gold.

Help release me from this final

place.

They're giving me into gestion

indigestion. That gives me an idea.

If I remember my biology correctly,

I merely have to stimulate her

uvula. It looks like Chelsea's beginning

to disagree with Roseanne, and I

think she's about to. Ohh, can

we get?The clean up crew in here.

So sorry. Excuse me. I'm dead. I made

quite a mess having that. Hey, buddy, you

gonna eat those fries? Oh, oh, now I'm

going to be sick.

Standing up and telling you what?

Spending eternity listening to a chainsaw

playing Mozart. Yeah, we'll eat my

dirt. Come on people, quit stalling

and get on with the fight.

Looks like we've got a stalemate

here. We'll check back with those

two in a little. But

in the meantime, why don't we preview

tonight's main bout by rolling our

exclusive outtake from one of Jackie

Chang's recent films?

In this hilarious outtake, good-natured

Jackie is supposed to fall 10 stories,

then fight on Ninja Warrior, but things

didn't quite work out that way on the

first take. There's no one left to run

Mr. Chan. They said we

want our students back.

He's back. Wow, Jackie

was in the hospital for six months

recuperating from that one.

It's amazing. He makes it all look so

easy. Let's check back with Roseanne and

Chelsea. Looks

like referee Mills Lane is running out of

patience and so are our sponsors, so

we'll be right back after this break with

Brandy versus Courtney Love.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch.

Courtney Love and Brandy are standing by

to begin their battle to the death. But

first let's check in ringside on Kelsey

Grammar and Roseanne, who have not yet

resolved their conflict. Come on, repeat

after the Domestic Goddess I player

pretentious piece of Sankal crashed.

Never. You people are taking too damn

long. Now here's what I'm going to do.

Kelsey Grammar. You've got 5 minutes to

get out of that pin or you'll be

disqualified. Just love it

when Mills lays down the law. Well, we'd

better move on to our second match,

Brandy versus Courtney Love. Let's check

in with Stacey Conrad, who's in the

locker room for an exclusive pre fight

interview with Brandy. Stacey, thanks,

Nick. Randy, thank you for showing me

your vast collection of teddy bears.

They're all very cute. But what do you

plan to do when you meet Courtney Love in

the ring? Well, when I meet Courtney in a

ring, I plan to ask her where she's been

shopping for all that fly designer gear.

I mean, she looks so pretty and nice.

Randy, are you aware that Courtney Love

is going to fight you to the death?

Death. What's that? Is that when you go

to sleep for a long time?Yes, Brandy, a

very long time. Back to you Nick and

Johnny. Thanks, Stacy. Nick. Brandy sure

seems like a sweet kid. I don't know why

anyone would want to k*ll her. Well,

rumor has it that Brandy beat out

Courtney for the title role in

Cinderella. This was a major setback for

Courtney and her campaign to remake her

bad. Girl image? Well, let's find out the

truth of it from Stacey Cornbread, who's

ringside with Courtney Love. Courtney,

are you still bitter about that whole

Cinderella thing? Yes, Stacy, I would

have made a great Cinderella. I would be

kind and sweet and gentle and the kids

would love me. Do my boots look OK in

this thing? Then freaking tastic that to

you, Nick and Johnny. Thanks, Stacey.

Well, it looks as if Mills Lane is ready

to get this. Match out of the starting

gate.

Ladies and gentlemen, in the

blue corner, the adorable dull

light star of Moisha Brandy.

And in the red corner,

the Hellcat from Hole, Courtney

Love. Andy, you're gonna pay for all

the pain you've caused me. Pay. I can't

do that, Courtney. I'm maxed on my

parents credit cards at the mall last

weekend.

OK ladies, you know the rules. I want a

good clean fight and Miss Love try to

keep your top on. Let's get it on.

Ohh, if Courtney keeps up this pace,

she's not going to have anything left

for round two. There is no round

two, Nick. Ohh, yeah. How's that feel,

Miss Goody 2 shoes? Oh, it's OK,

No problem. By the way, I love that

dress you wear. Yeah, here. Why don't you

try it on? It's the blind man's bluff.

And Courtney ain't bluffing. Courtney,

you seem to have a lot of anger. I

just wanted you to know I still think

you're a really special person. Some kind

words from Brandy, but they seem to be

having a negative effect on Miss Love.

This sweetie pie crap makes me wanna

puke. Courtney setting Brandy up for a

field goal.

Stores.

Courtney. Courtney,

I brought you a little gift.

What the hell, you brought me a present

when it isn't gift giving against the

rules in a death match? I just don't

know anymore. Ohh look at that, you

brought me a live bear cub. Bears are

my favorite animal. You know it is kind

of cute. My manager found it in the.

It got lost from its Mama. I was wrong

about you, Brandy. You taught me how to

love again. From now on, things are going

to be different.

Courtney, look out.

That's the Mama bear and she wants

her baby back. Ohh this is terrible

but Chrisley demise. I'm

so sorry, Courtney, I didn't mean

to. Ohh Courtney,

I'm sorry.

Am I dreaming? What was that? A bear

in that ring? That is a death match

first. I guess that means Grandy's the

winner in that match. And we've all

learned an important lesson. Don't ever

give baby wild animals as gifts. What the

hell is that? It's the. Clock for the

Kelsey Grammar Roseanne fight. We forgot

all about them.

OK, Mama, times up. I'm

going to have to disqualify

you. Just a moment, Mr.

Lane. Deal. Something loosening up

here. You got 5 seconds,

Mr. 12345.

Kelsey Grammar has slipped out of that

situation by slipping out of his ownskin.

Boo. Hi.

Hi.

Kelsey Grammar is the winner.

By the way, you might want to cover that

up. Ohh well this is really quite

embarrassing. If my face could turn any

red, it would.

Bye.

That was not a pleasant sight,

Nick. We'll be right back with

our main bout featuring the Masters

of Mayhem, Jackie Chan and Jean-Claude

Van Damme, and the identity of

our special mystery guest referee will

be revealed right after this.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch,

where we are just about to ignite our

main bout between Jackie Chan and

Jean-Claude Van Damme. But first, we'd

like to remind viewers that next week is

our 37th. Annual deathmatch Pandemonium

show. We've been tabulating your

suggestions on the MTV website, and we'll

be presenting the celebrity matchups you

wanna see most. We also took our cameras

down to the street to hear what some

of our loyal viewers had to say. Hi,

I'm Rebecca from New York and I'd really

like to see Mini Driver. Beat the

crap out of Matt Damon. I mean he

broke her heart. And I know exactly what

it's like and it's it just isn't right

about Bobby's shoes. 3 legged one eyed

cat. Now that be something that that kid

is a mean. It's addictive guys, you're

not getting it. It's celebrities.

Well, they're sort of celebrities in our

you know, Nick, some viewers even want

to see you and me squaring off

in the ring. What a crazy idea,

huh? That's right, Johnny, because I'd be

too fast for you. Dream on, Nicky

boy. Now, in our main bout tonight,

Nick, What the hell?Told

you I'm too fast for you. You're a

funny man, Nick Diamond, but you're

playing with fire and you're gonna get

burned. Now, tonight's main bout brings

together two of the hottest fighters of

modern cinema. Both these guys are

foreigners, aren't they, Johnny? It's

true. Nick. Jean-Claude Van Damme and

Jackie Chan are originally from Strange.

Exotic lands Jackie hails from Hong

Kong, which is famous for producing

movies, transistor radios, electronic

components, toys, watches and footwear.

Van Dam grew up in Belgium,

which is famous for producing waffles,

but each of these combatants in

his own heavily accented way. Has

found his place in the hearts of American

action fan. That's right Johnny. And

before we get into the fight action, it

turns out that Jackie Chan isn't the only

fighter with an outtake reel. Ohh.

Research crew got a hold of never before

seen footage from one of Van Damme's

recent films. Let's take a look. Take 2.

And action gonna you

die. You

gonna die?

Ohh, no, you're gonna

Ohh. Come on. Cut,

cut again.

You're gonna die.

Well, you've got to be made of strong

stuff to act in a scene with Van Dam, and

you gotta be made of strong stuff to

challenge him in the ring. We'll see if

Jackie Chan has got what it takes in the

blue corner. Known for the fastest feet

in the West. A man with four names where



Damme.

In the red corner. Known for

his lightning quick moves. A rumbler

in the Bronx and most of

Asia's Jackie Chan.

And introducing tonight's mystery guest

referee hits the elder statesman of

cinematic Kung Fu, the legendary somber

guy himself, Chuck Norris. Thank you

and hello, folks. It's one heck

of a great honor to be

here with two of my favorite.

I win. I win. This is

astonishing. Van Damme has taken out

Chuck Norris. Indian, You lunkhead.

You're supposed to be fighting Jackie

Chan. Ohh. Sorry.

Mr. Dam, prepare to meet

your doom.

And please enjoy my fist of Fury.

Oh oh, Jackie should have known

better than Dan's Got an iron

head. Looks like Jackie switching to

Plan B.

Ohh, I couldn't even follow that action,

could you Johnny? Jackie's just too fast

for the human eye. Let's take a closer

look at that in the slow MO Instant

replay.

Jackie sure is fast. Give that

man a speeding ticket.

First stop midair split down

the Belgian helicopter.

Ohh, I'd forfeit. Jean Claude

looks like he's taken some

van damage there. Are you

OK, Mr. Damm?

Jackies down and Van dams, leaving him

with nowhere to run. Excuse me Sir,

but I need your help.

Jackie Chan sure is resourceful, but

that's the caucus of Kung Fu legend

Chuck Norris. That isn't right. Lighten

up, Nick.

Hi.

Jackie is on for Battle Lookout Panda.

Now Mr. Van Dam, I'm going to put

you out of your life.

OK.



Looks like trouble for Van Damme.

That head is going going. It's

gotta here.

Mommy, can I keep it? And

the winner is Jackie Chan.

Mr. Jan, will you sign my head?

No problem, Sonny. What a fight. Jackie

Chan proved he's the king of Kung

Fu tonight, so he couldn't have done

it without the help of Chuck Norris.

May he rest in peace. Don't you

mean rest in pieces?

Hey, Johnny, what is it, Nick?

See, I told you fella, I'm just

too fast for you. Hold, you little

idiot.



My ear. Damn it, Nick. I told

you someone was going to get hurt.

Thanks for joining us, everybody. See you

next time. Good fight. Good night.

Coming up next week, Stone Cold Steve

Austin versus Vince McMahon, Adam Sandler

versus Chris Rock, and Jenny McCarthy

versus Carmen Electra with guest referee

Howard Stern on a very special celebrity

death match.