05x04 - Shaq vs. Kobe

[bunniefuu]

Tonight, for approval of your deepest

primal instinct, a no doubt knockout

meets a hip hop heavyweight superstar

tries to take out the trailer trash,

and a battle Royale between a 7

foot baller and a selfish shock collar.

And it all begins right here, right

now on Celebrity. Last match.

Hello everyone, I'm Johnny Gomez here is

always with my friend and Co host Nick

Diamond for yet another special night of

fight and we get things started with an

all girl band it's Gwen Stefani versus

Missy Ellie. This is 1 brawl that'll make

$1,000,000 baby look like a slap fight

earlier our very own tally. Long was able

to interview both our fighters. It was

all part of a new feature we call

Tallies Corner. Hello everyone, and

welcome to Tallies Corner. I'm here with

Missy Elliott and Gwen Stefani, who just

moments from now will be trying to

viciously k*ll one another.

Which may explain why both declined to

actually sit with one another, but I was

able to speak with each individually

earlier. So, Missy, to what do you

attribute this sudden and dramatic weight

change? It's something I call the tube

diet. Explain. Well, on the Tube Diet,

you have a whole lot of food for

breakfast, a bunch more for lunch. And a

big old mess of stuff for dinner. Then

you go to a Doctor Who sticks a tube

and through your belly button and sucks

it all out. Inspiring words. Inspiring,

revolting words. Do you have a strategy

in mind for tonight's fight Telly? I'm

going to put all my faith in the big

man upstairs so you believe you will have

God. On your side? God no. I'm talking

about Big Al from the concession stand in

the mezzanine. He's hooking me up with

these pre fight corn dogs. Big ups from a

man Ohh woo woo.

Oh oh.

When if you could describe the importance

of this fight in one word, what would

that word be? Bananas. I see. So

metaphorically what you're saying is

that. Bananas.

Let me ask

you another athlete.

BROCCOLIOK and kumquat

CUQUET. Thank

you so much ladies, it was great having

you both here on Halley's Corner. Thank

you Tally for that. Well Nick, who do

you like in this one? It's really too

close to call Johnny. Although I have to

admit I'm not impressed by either

contestants footwear. Ladies, I remind

you that it's customary to take off the

roads before meeting in the ring.

But in your case, I'll disallow it. OK? I

want a fair fight. We all know that's not

what we're here for. Now let's get it

all. You know, I don't know if I can

fight this white girl. She's too skinny.

Kind of looks like a Boy Scout who's been

lost in the woods. So

I mean this match was supposed to be

sucker free. You look at that, the sucker

still here. Ohh no she didn't.

Body wastes no time in bringing on

the hurt. Apparently her prepubescent

frame still has some unfinished music, is

getting hammered. This fight isn't 30

seconds old, and she's already taken more

shots than Courtney Love at a methadone

clinic. Steven Tyler. That works, too.

All that guy from Allison Chains. Hey

Nick, don't belabor the point. Without

it, people are going to confuse me with

Queen Latifah. Honey, without your hat,

people confuse you for Arsenio Hall.

What the hell does his fists are no match

for Gwen's rock hard abs? No they aren't.

Johnny looks like Missy may have just

found the only thing in the universe

hotter than Lindsay Lohan's gym class.

Stephanie continues to channel her Scott

Fusion power, but here comes messy.

Missy looks winded from her brief

exertion. She seems to be heading back to

her corner for some oxygen.

Wait a minute, that's not oxygen, that's

a portable milkshake machine. You know,

for some of the wears only track

suits. She's remarkably unfit. This shake

break is giving Stefani a chance to

recover. Let's just hope that milk will

be Missy's body some good.

What is the name of all that is

Deathmatch? Can that be? That sound can

only mean one of two things, Johnny.

Either my prophetic visions of a race of

rock people emerging from the Earth's

core intent on destroying humanity has

finally come true.

Or while Missy Elliott is about to get

her freak on.

Looks like it's the latter, Nick. Missy

Elliott has gone ballistic. I don't think

she's been this angry since McDonald's

gave up super sizing. Stefani is getting

mauled out there. But on the bright side,

Nick, I guess your prediction of

rampaging Rockman turned out not to be.

Sure, so far.

Look at this Missy has been decapitated,

but her body is still moving. Much like

some members of the bird family. The

electrical impulses from the brain

continue to control the body's muscles

even after decapitation. Like a chicken.

What the hell do I know about chickens?

So there you have it folks. This one

is all over and over before the fat

lady sang Johnny. Looks like we got

ourselves a winner. Not so fast. They're

drunk alone. This one ain't over till I

say it's over.

Do you think we were using special

effects in my video? I don't think so.

Stand aside. Short stuff I'm ready to

throw down there. In that case, ladies,

let's get it back on. I mean the

fight and the head. OK, time to send

you the tragic Kingdom come.

Let's break dance.

Winner and still heavyweight champion of

the world, Missy Elliot. What a

turnaround. What seemed to be certain

victory for Stefani turned into a

cakewalk for Missy Elliott. I don't know

that she wants to walk, but I know

she'll appreciate the cake. Stay tuned

everybody. We'll be right back with more.

Blood.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch,

Nick. We're done with the undercard, but

there are still 2 great fights that I'm

sure our audience is just dying to see.

Next up is Superstar versus Superstud as

Justin Timberlake takes on Kevin

Federline. Let's go to Tally who's

standing by with Kevin in the locker

room. Thanks Johnny. I'm

here with Kevin Federline and his

bouncing baby boy or girl. Kevin

Bates may quiet down baby. I'm

getting my interview all Kevin, today

you're taking on the ex-boyfriend of

Britney Spears, your current wife and

the mother of this precious. Where

is little baby? I'm sure you have

some choice words for Mr. Timberlake.

Yeah. Hola. How you like me now?

Wow, you really stuck it to him.

Hey, could you tag this? Good thing

you had your nanny here. Never mind.

Hey, you know, you kind of sexy.

I eat right and I exercise. I

can see that. Let me ask you

how much you make a year. I

I do alright. Yeah. You know, you

spot me some cash. I put a

ring on that finger. Here's your opponent

now, Justin Timberlake. My

sloppy seconds. Ohh, easy there, champ.

Save it for the ring. It

won't make it interesting. I bet

you 20 bucks I kick your

asss tonight. Yeah. Hey, Brett, it's

big Daddy. Can you give me

$20.00? I already spent my allowance,

please. Oh. Baby, don't make me.

All right, all right. And they're

like this and then this and

this. And then I spent and

move and drop and stop and

done. OK, I did it. Sweet

baby, you're the best. You're on



you heard the insult. Now it's

time for the injury, ladies and

gentlemen. The battle of Brittany is

about to begin. Her first love versus the

father of her child. But Who Will Win

is anyone's guess. If I were a betting

man, Nick, you're in Gamblers Anonymous.

Well, it's not anonymous anymore, is it,

Johnny? Let's get down to ringside.

Alright, you too. I ain't calling this

thing on account of a broken nail. I

wanna see some blood. Let's get it on.

And this fight is underway. You broke my

girl's heart. Now I'm going to RIP yours

out. Who are you kidding? You never would

have scored a payday like her if I hadn't

damaged her beyond all repair.

Truth hurts, huh? It's going to k*ll you.

What? And two. And three. And four?

Yes, sucker. You guys, Sir. Kevin

Federline. Yeah, even served failure to

pay child support. Ohh. Man, look at

this. Nick Shar Jackson is getting some

long distance licks in. Who? Shaw

Jackson, A woman Kevin left when she

was six months pregnant with her second

child. She used to be.

UPN. UPN.

OK, it's go time.

What the hell?

That's a wardrobe malfunction, man. You

got some kind of voodoo on

you.

I call this one in Stink.

You all right, I'm going to make

like my hit single and rock your

body. It's a shameless

self promotion from Timberlake. Shameless

but effective self promotion, Johnny. So

I can't say I'm a fan of the

shoes. And wait, Federal Lines running

away from him. You think Justin was

carrying his child?

Good Lord, Timberlake just whipped it

out and it's huge. Come on,

Federline, I know you want it.

Some of that. Damn,

you know you kind of sexy you spot me

some of that cash and I put a ring

on your finger. Ohh man, get it Kevy?

And Timberlake KOK Fed we may have

reached the end of the Fed a

line, Johnny.

I deserve that. Damn,

that's some change from the vendor

dialing. You spot me some of that cash,

I'll put a ring on your finger. Hey,

wait, you give me half that hot dog,

I put a ring on your finger.

And this thing is a move I call

the tornado. Why? Because it rips right

through trailer trash.

That's a cow. Allowed.

This one's all my new album, Give me a

beat.

Yo-yo, yo-yo yo, better Lizzy in the

hizzy. I'm a dirty white boy with

mad gold digging skills. I like to

knock chicks up and then head for

the hills.

You can poke fun, you can call

me a Hick, but I'm busy poking

holes in my prophylactic For the love

of God, stop.

As you used to say, bye,

bye bye. We

got us a winner, Kevin

Fredly. Hey, is this

Cameron Diaz? It's OK. Fair. Hey, how

much do you make a year?

Obviously. Hey babe, can you spot me some

of that cash? I put a ring on

your finger. Ohh. Looks like Kevin

Federline may be heading for another

death match. We'll be right back after

these messages. Welcome back

to Celebrity Deathmatch. And now the big

fight you've all been waiting for. And

Nick, we do mean big. We sure do.

Johnny. It's 6 foot 7 versus 7 foot



It's Shaquille O'Neal versus Kobe Bryant,

the bad blood that has developed between

these two. Things up there with the

greatest sports rivalries of all time,

Mohammed Ali and Joe Frazier, Billy

Martin and George Steinbrenner, and of

course John Madden and his belt. No

arguments here, Johnny. These two

positively hate each other. The question

on everybody's mind is how can Kobe even

imagine he can go up against someone of

Shaq's size?It's going to be quite

a challenge. It certainly is. Johnny Shaq

is 1 big fella, especially his shoes. To

put it in terms our viewers can

understand, Shack shoes are 116 billionth

the size of Rhode Island. Actually, Nick,

I'm not certain that is in terms of

viewers. In fact, it takes over 1000.



tie those babies up again. I have to

say, I can literally put my entire

forearm inside one of them and they don't

smell nearly as much as you would think.

His loafers. Italian leather, 12 pairs

and not a scuff on them. Johnny high

grade Polish too. Each pair with its very

own cubicle in his closet. Sneakers on

the right, formal wear on the left. The

man knows how to treat his shoes. How

come you know so much like Johnny? The

records are sealed. We've just gotten

word that our contestants are now

arriving at the red carpet. Here's Tally

Wong. Kobe, welcome to the big fight. I

see you brought some supporters. Here's

some of my biggest fans. They all look

like lawyers. These days, my biggest fans

are Louise. You travel with your lawyers.

I'm going there without them.

I've got to have posse wherever I

go, so I understand. So you like

massages?Look at this,

Shaquille O'Neal has just arrived driving

his very own custom OS6 black Maybach

with 22 inch gold plated rims. If the

camera can just pan over a bit to

the left, you'll be able to see a

great example of high end automotive

engineering art. Seriously, you should

take a look at this thing. This has got

to be the most expensive car I've ever

seen. In fact, I

bet even a toy model of this car would

be expensive. Moving on to better scratch

built model of one of these babies would

cost like $2000. OK, that's expensive for

even say, TV production budgets,

especially for shows on those cheap bass

cable networks. And here's the big man

himself. Shaq, Are you ready to take your

feud?Kobe to the ultimate level. Suckers

ready. Kobe's gonna die. In fact, police

Officers Shocked may have to arrest

Citizens Shock when Citizens Shock is

done. You sound confident and like your

mouth is full of marbles.

Marbles. Marbles raged Models of revenge.

Marbles acquired assurance. Johnny Nick,

are you guys getting any of

this?You have fun?

Yeah. Seriously, how did this guy ever

make a movie? Holly, can you talk about

the shoes? Can the cameraman pan down to

the shoes? Well, all I know is that Kobe

had better watch out. Shaq is a multi

talented guy. He can play ball, he can

act, he can rap, Yes. But if there's one

thing Kobe can do. It's battle rap.

Another danger Kobe is going to have to

watch out for is Shaq Foo. Kobe can't

like that. Nobody can like Shaq Foo,

Johnny. But it will be especially

problematic for Kobe, who is painfully

lacking in marital odds. You mean martial

arts? No, I do not, Johnny. Well, Nick,

I see our two contestants. Have made

their way into the ring. Would you care

to make any predictions by the end of

this year aside from the rock people? Now

now predictions. Let's go down to Mills

Lane. You are

going down, my man. You are going to go

down like a hotel and.

You are going down like a large man who

has accidentally lost his balance and

through his own negligence succumbed to

gravity. OK, listen up. You too. Here's

how it's going to work. We've added a

couple of backboards for atmosphere to

make you 2 feel at home, but this is

death. NBA final Two

men enter, one man leaves. Now let's get

it all. There's the bell, and this one is

underway. This is going to be just like

the old days when I was calling the shots

and running you out of tape.

Too slow, can't stop me, can

you, big fella? No, can't stop

the Cody, can't stop the black.

And Jack makes his move.

Kobe would like nothing better right now

than to just disappear. Well, he's had

some experience in that department,

Johnny. After all, he made $100 million

in endorsement money vanish overnight.

This one might be all over. Except the

shouting. And

there's the shouting.

It's over, It's all over and then record

time. Mills Lane is stepping up to

declare Shaq the winner, but Shaq is

waving him off. Looks like he wants this

one to end and style.

Whoops, you missed that one.

Umm.

Ohh boy, so much for making a statement.

Umm. The

crowd is beginning to turn ugly. Johnny.

I haven't seen sh**ting this bad since

they filmed the five Star Wars sequels.

Here comes another attempt.

Looks like some folks have had enough

and are leaving early. What is this,

Dodger Stadium? He's retying the laces.

He's retying the laces. Ohh sweet Lord

he's retying the laces.

OK, this is just getting ridiculous. It

looks like Mills Lane is stepping in to

put an end to it. OK, that's enough.

I'm I'll allow it.

OK, one more. Here we go, big

guy, concentrate. Well, this might take

some time. So for Nick Diamond and

all of us here at Celebrity Death

Match, this is Johnny Gomez saying good

night and good fight.

Ohh you nearly had it. OK

Be the ball. Be the ball

the ball the ball. What

happened to little off? And that's

alright. You got another one coming. How

was the ball though? Right. Well, yeah,

for a little bit. And then you weren't

the ball and that's why you missed it,

son, where you thought you said me the

ball?