06x05 - Celebrity DeathMash

[bunniefuu]

Tonight, free classic battles that are

just sick, and not in the cool sense

of the word. We mean you'll need a

bucket. It's insane versus innate. Creek

versus Beak and a fight so spectacularly

bizarre and abnormal you'd think it was

outtakes from ******* #2. I think we're

fooling. Well, think again, because it

all begins right here, right now on

Celebrity Deathmatch. Hello, everybody.

I'm Johnny Gomez and by my side

for tonight's Gore, as always, Nick

Diamond. We have a great bunch

of battles for you tonight that are going

to keep you glued to your They're here.

They're finally here. It's finally here.

The first issue of Nick Magazine of what?

Nick Magazine. It's all about branding,

Johnny. When people hear the name Nick

Diamond, what do they think? Restraining

order? They think TV. Expensive cause

sexual prowess, and most of all they

think high morals. It would be wrong of

me not to cash in on that. I've

created a whole line of products starting

with this. Well, what do you think? I

look good, You look good. Oh crap. Small

error but that's OK. I only asked them

to print. 100,000 copies.

Damn Abacus.

Folks, we'd better get right to the first

fight. Tortured genius Dave Chappelle

returns to reclaim his King of Comedy

Central throne from up and Comer Carlos

Mencia. Let's go to Tally Wong in Tallies

corner.

Dave Chappelle, a man who, as we

all know, walked away from a $55

million contract and disappeared to

Africa. Dave, are you? How to put

this gently out of your freaking skull?

No, totally wrong. Next question. Why did

you go to South Africa? I went there to

reflect on my life, my career and to

grieve for my father who had passed away.

And what better place for that than a

country long known for segregating and

torturing blacks? Carlos Mencia, you've

been accused by some as being a r*cist.

How do you respond?

America Look, Tally, I totally

respect you Jews, but what

the because I.

Because I thought it was a diaphragm on

his head. Wow, not

only was that amazingly offensive, but

I'm not Jewish, I'm an Asian Buddhist.

Ohh, well me so solely me so

solly what the.

Like you're walking around with a walk on

your head 3 ticket talk America. I'm just

seeing what we're all thinking, right?

See if you can guess what I'm thinking

now.

I've only got one rule, no kissing on the

first date. That doesn't apply here, so

let's get it on.

Boom boom boom. I'm Latino, I'll

steal anything.

I'm politically incorrect. You're not

politically incorrect. You're a hack who

bases his comedy on stereotypes. And

if you don't believe me?

Believe a crackhead. I don't

smoke no more, but I

still like the crackheads. Yippee.

OK, You want to play

tough, I'll play tough. Wow.

Where'd he go? Where'd the brother go?

Yeah, I am.

This is my favorite game.

Chappelle, Johnny. No, he can't. Nick.

There's more popping up going on down

there than when Danica Patrick enters the

driver's locker room. Where the hell is

he? Right over here. Sorry about the

delay. I just had to pop over to Africa

again and get my head together. You know

what I realized?That

the mind of Mencia is

no match for the Spear

of Chappelle. God, funny and

painful. Umm.

You don't look so good. Time for me to

go black Gallagher on your *****. It

looks like the Mencia show is about to

get cancelled, which means a lot of his

faithful viewers are going to be

disappointed. And by a lot, I mean all 12

here, $55 million, all yours.



Dave Chappelle has gone absolutely first

rate round the band insane, although we

certainly don't mean that in a clinical

or legal sense. No, we do not. But it

sure looks like he hates money, Johnny,

almost as much as those French frogs hate

showers. Nick, you shouldn't be saying

things like that. So I don't get to say

things like that. But Carlos. Can see A

does pretty much yes. Fat Mexican r*cist

hacks have all the luck in this country.

OK, man, See you You like to cross

the line? Why don't you cross this line?

What, are you kidding me? That's like the

easiest line in the world to cross.

Ohh. That is

the normal way to treat them.

No, but this is.

That Mexican pulser. I've wanted to do

that for a long time. Chappelle wins. I

have to say, Nick, a brilliant fight by

Chappelle, the last thing in the world

you'd expect from someone who went crazy.

Although we. Certainly don't mean that in

a clinical or legal sense. No, we do not.

Let's go ringside. We're Kelly Wong is

standing by with the winner. Dave. A

fantastic fight and a fantastic finish.

Yes, it was. And you know what? I think

this fight totally helped clear my head.

I'm going to make a new TV show, a

better TV show. Stretch and grow

creatively when where I can be free to

just say it. Ohh. I'm Rick

James, Biatch. Well, there you have it,

Johnny. Indeed, a fantastic fight. And if

nothing else, I think we've learned a

lot about racism tonight. We sure have.

If you want it, tune into Comedy

Central. I mean, racism is bad. We'll

be right back with more Celebrity death

match.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch.

Hold that thought, Johnny. The first

product from the toys and Games division

of Nick Diamond Enterprises has just

arrived. Nick Diamond. Smash them, bash

them. Boxing. Pretty great, huh? You see,

the heads of the blue fighter are

interchangeable. It can be you. Tally or

Mel's and the pink fighter is you think?

Ohh, son of a OK, that's OK. Game

time, buddy. Let's go. Me and you, Nick,

we don't have time for come on one

fight.

Now I know how Lou Diamond Phillips

girlfriend feels. One more.

I think there's something wrong with the

Nick fighter Nick. Good thing it's still

in the prototype phase. Says here they've

already shipped 10 million units. Well,

I'm sure not all of them are defective.

CDM Ashley Simpson versus her old nose so

you know it's going to be ugly. Take

it away, Tally.

So Ashley, you get a nose job, you move

on with your life of riding on your

sister's coattails, and suddenly you

challenge your old nose to a death match.

What's the problem here? The problem

tally is that now the only thing anyone

talks about is my nose job. If I wanted

people talking about. My nose. I wouldn't

have cut it off in the 1st place. Why

can't you just go away? You're stealing

my spotlight. Hey, don't blame me for any

of this. I've been carrying you for

years. Now I'm finally free to go make it

on my own. And I'll actually sing my

songs, thank you very much. Yeah, about

that whole Saturday Night Live thing. Are

you always lipstick? That is such a

ridiculous thing to say. I mean, come

on, I'm a singer. I sing real

good, you know what I mean?

One things for sure, Johnny, this gal

sure puts the hoe in hoe down. This is

Tally Wong. Any predictions on this one,

Nick? It all depends on who.

Ladies and gentlemen, in the red

corner, the woman who put the

rhino in rhinoplasty, Ashley Simpson, and

in the blue corner, Eileen and

me. 95 lbs of cartilage, fat

and mucus. Ashley's old nose.

OK, you're dude. Listen up, Simpson. I

only want to see fighting, no singing.

Have you ever heard, Huh? You don't have

to worry about Shut up.

You caught me off. Why is everybody

always cutting me off? Now let's get it

off. There's the bell, and this one is

underway. Well, look

who's back the horn of plenty.

Idiot, I made you look unique. Now you

just look like Jessica but with a bad

**** ***. I didn't have a **** ***

exactly. Hi.

Ashley delivering some serious blows

there. But you've got to hand it to this

Rose. It refuses to run. It's not so sure

about that Johnny look.

Hey.

You know, keep my nose to

the grindstone.

Cloud. Catch

me up.

Well, she may not be a natural blonde,

but she's a blonde. This could go on for

hours. Looks like the beauty is really

punishing the beast.

I stand by my statement. Any more of this

and she's going to be vomiting more than

after she kissed Pete Wentz when this

fight started. There's no way I would

have picked Ashley's nose. You don't go

picking noses unless you really got a

good reason. Don't get me wrong, Johnny.

I've picked my fair share of noses. Have

been David fought. Nick, what's this?

Someone has just done an Ollie with a

kit. It's Shaun White,

the flying tomato himself. Sean White has

come to Ashley Simpson's rescue. Alright

nose, watch out because I'm about to get

some stiff here for that gal. Now hold

on son, this is a family show. Don't

worry, bald dude stiffies just when you

grab on and both legs or bone. Ohh

and now it doesn't sound dirty at all.

I'll allow it. Get away from the woman I

love knows. Get lost, punk. I'm going to

give you more air time than Danny Wade.

You think I don't have friends? Yeah.

Ohh. Amazing. Ashley Simpson's old nose

has called in the perfect foil to

Shaun White, an actual flying tomato. Use

the force. Use the force.

Shaun White is getting covered in tomato

juice. No, Nick, that's blood. Don't be

silly, Johnny. Tomatoes don't have any

blood in them. Ohh

I love you Jessica.

I love you. I'm

Ashley. Ohh, this sucks.

Shaun White is dead. The flying

tomato gets taken out by a

flying tomato. Can you spell irony,

Nick? IRON i.e. irony.

My new nose, it's

swelling up. Huh.

God love God.

Oh, oh, oh, sh**t.

I'm calling it the winner by

a nose, Ashley Simpson.

Ugly again? Well, Nick, I think we all

learned a lesson here. Be comfortable

with the body you were born with. True

Johnny. But if you're not, you can always

purchase a Nick Diamond Home Beauty

Makeup Kit. Fire

Nick. Nothing on Nick. Diamond brand fire

extinguisher can't handle.

We'll be right back. Welcome back to

Celebrity Deathmatch. In our first fight,

Dave Chappelle went head to head with

Carlos Mencia in an all out Comedy

Central smackdown with Chappelle putting

on the hurt. Then Ashley Simpson went

nose to nose against her old nose. Ashley

was able to dig deep, picking the right

spots. And finally delivered a

devastating blow. I guess we can say her

victory was nothing to sneeze at.

Today we did. And

now, ladies and gentlemen, the fight

you've been waiting for. For years, our

CDM scientists have been working on a

way to bring you even more death

and destruction. So tonight we bring you

Celebrity Death Match.

It's beautiful and here's how it works.

First, you find 4 celebrities foolish

enough to believe a flyer promising that

they would get a free speed boat,

namely manufactured pop sensation Kelly

Clarkson, the hip hop heavyweight

ludicrous soul free sexy crooner R Kelly

and St. Magician Chris Angel.

Then two of them are led

by a well disguised Tally Wong

into the primary alteration chambers. The

phone booth looking things. Yes Nick,

the phone booth looking things. Then

the initial body modification process

begins.

This final modification occurs add



unbridled power. Umm

process is complete. Kelly Clarkson

no longer exists. R Kelly

no longer exists. Inside the

deathmatch machine, there is only

R Kelly Clarkson.

Hi, I'm Kelly Clarkson. You

must be P Diddy. I'm

not. Daddy, your country. I'm all

Kelly. Gosh, do you kiss your mother with

that mouth? No, I kissed 13 year old

with this man. Ohh. My goodness. My car

is older than that. I'm not sure I

can get used to this.

Persons, opponent. Ladies and gentlemen,

we give you ludicrous Angel. Where's

my boat? Ohh, man. You mean

I'm stuck together with some magician?

Do you even know that I'm

really here? I can be an

illusion. Nah, you

there? OK, you freaks in nature, let's

get this thing started. The match isn't

over till both members of one team or

what the hell the hell did you get

over there? Damn it Angel, don't pull

into your magic crap on me. I'm not

a magician, I'm an illusionist. And I

guess that makes our. Kelly here.

Now let's get it off. There's the bell,

and this one is underway.

So I heard the bell ring and I

know it's time to fight but I got

this white chick attached to me. She

makes my pants so tired. Now I'm thinking

baby why you?Little help

here? Ohh sorry babe, time to get

weed. Ohh. You think you understand

reality, but can you really trust your

senses? For all you know right now

I can actually be behind you, but

I'm not. No.

Good one magician that wasn't very

nice. You shouldn't laugh at things

like that, Mister Ludacris. Especially

when I'm such a big fan.

Ohh, you betcha. I loved your album. Word

of mouth.

I guess you won't be doing any

lip syncing anytime soon. Hey, at least

my lyrics makes sense here. Anything

could be an R Kelly song. Male

milk lemonade round the corner, fudge is

made, bam that's R Kelly song. Now

he's dissing my music, turning his back

on me. , teased his fuller

lesson. Put my foot in his

Chocolate Factory. Ohh, tactical error.

Johnny R Kelly Clarkson is now

stuck to Ludacris Angel. I haven't

seen such ******* dancing since the

last K Fed video.

Stuck wedged in like a piston. I

wouldn't feel so bad if I wasn't

a Christian girl. You're stealing my

style. Can't believe that you did it.

Going to go all crazy on you

like Bridget on a ******. And now

our Kelly and Kelly Clarkson are going

at it. Two

teammates fighting one another. What is

this? The insert? Current Terrell Owens.

Dean here. Yo, man, this all changed. You

whip us up a GL*CK 9? Yeah, I

could do that. Or I could do this.

Sorry.

Yeah, blowtorch. That's what I'm talking

about. Do not mess with us too,

because we are too fast, too furious.

Tell me you did not just do that.

Flowers, Tada.

Ohh, now I know how David Blaine

feels now. R Kelly Clarkson is on

the attack. Chris Angel is getting

pounded down there harder than the Barbra

Streisand concert. He is just not the

****** Street Fighter we expected.

Johnny. The guy's nothing but a 2

bit magician. Illusionist, Nick. 2 bit

illusionist. Failing

life. Draining. You and I are one.

You have the power within you. What

the hell are you? All the hell

with it. I give it a try.

Get it, booty. Boo. What? Hey, I

believe I can fly. I believe I

can touch the sky. And these wires,

I believe I can touch these wires.

We have a winner, what's left of

the beast known as Ludacris Angel. Ohh

man, please let this be an illusion.

And there you have it folks. The

very first world premiere exclusive of

Celebrity Death Match. Exciting, wouldn't

you say, Nick? Not as exciting

as this, the Nick Diamond personal

Transportation system? No, from Nick

Diamond Enterprises.

Oh, oh, hey, son of

A. Nick,

are you all right? Just tell me how many

units of Chef Johnny.

This is Johnny Gomez saying goodnight and

good fight next week on Celebrity

Deathmatch. It's ego versus eyebrows

wrapping reverend versus multifarious

mogul. What can I say? Big man

upstairs has got my backyard and pirate

versus pretty boy. You're dead and it

will all happen. Next week on

Celebrity Deathmatch, what would Jesus

do?