06x08 - Barry vs. Bud

[bunniefuu]

Tonight, 3 epic battles to help fill

the vacuum where you once had a

soul. 2 gorgeous losers trying to finally

win one ugly. Boy tries

to tame a wild boy and a

base brawl featuring an embattled slugger

trying to knock the monkey off his

acne scarred back. Remember kids, it's

not whether you win or lose, it's

how you play the game. Unless that

game is Russian Roulette or Celebrity

Deathmatch. Welcome, everyone. I'm Johnny

Gomez here alongside my broadcasting

partner Nick Diamond, where tonight we're

bringing you an All Star Sports lineup.

And Nick, I don't think I've ever seen

our crowd so excited. And they're not the

only ones. Johnny. I'm so excited. I'm

shaking more than Michael J Fox Racing

and Etch A Sketch, but I guess the

sports. Eva never really dies for ex

jocks like me. Nick, you were an athlete.

Are you kidding? I let it in high

school. Go home team, we will get it

done. Go. We

are #1.

What led you to become a cheerleader?

Deflated self-esteem and daddy issues.

Wait a minute. How did you see my

flashback? We get things started tonight

with a sexy matchup guaranteed to attract

more guys than the bathroom stalls at a

Clay Aiken concert. It's Anna Kournikova

versus Danica Patrick, amazingly. Neither

one of them has ever actually won

the big one, but as female athletes,

they have made tremendous strides in

hotness. Good Lord, yes. Quote. Akova

puts the 10 in tennis, the rack

in racket, and the seamen in endorsement.

And of course, you can't spell Danica

Patrick without the letters. DNA. I mean

you could, but then a name would be.

I'll be damned. So it would. Let's go

now to Tally Wong, who's greeting our

contestants on the red carpet. Danica,

since you joined the IRL, attendance has

increased tenfold, as has palpable

ignorance and bulging neck fat. What's

the secret to your popularity? Well,

Tolly, I really don't think I have a

secret. Unless, of

course, it's this Vaijapur, the modern

feminine hygiene system for women. Vapur.

I see tonight's battle could turn into

a real bloodbath. Are you worried about

things getting dirty? Actually, yes, I'm

a little worried that.

I'm not worried at all, Tally, because

there's no blood staining in existence

that can't be removed by the cleaning

power of White and bright. White and

bright. America's number one laundry

detergent. White and bright. You're

really nothing but a corporate sponsor.

Horror, aren't you? They keep me in a

dark room. Beat me till I say things.

You've got to help me. Save me, Tally

Wong. You're my. Making her

way down the red carpet now is Anna

Kournikova, who has finally ended her

four year hiatus from competitive sports.

Unfortunately, my four year hiatus from

giving a crap is still ongoing. This is

Tally Wong, I am going on record to say

I think this match is going to be one

of our best. Matches Ever. Wow. Then

again, you went on record saying you

thought your Uncle Gary tickled me all

the time because he loved the sound of my

laugh. Yeah, Boy, was I way off on that

one. Let's get down to ringside. All

right, ladies, this isn't a centerfold

sh**t for Maxim. The only things I want

to see spread are your severed limbs

across the mat.

What's a trophy prize giving athletes

after they win a competition? What's

a win? Let's get it all.

And this fight is underway. You're

going down poor, Nikova.

Looking a little sluggish there, Anna.

Yeah, I had a little Mexican last

night. You mean Enrique Iglesias? Don't

start in Enrique. He's a wonderful, kind,

caring mole. Amen. He's even sank for

Teenage Cancer victims. Why? To remind

them that there are worse things in

life than. Dying of leukemia?

Whatever your father faced, Tomboy, fact

is, you're still stuck with your pathetic

hopes of a career. I've moved on to

other things. Other things. Is that what

they're calling the Surreal Life these

days?

Anna Kournikova wastes no time giving

Danica a fat lip. It's probably a

good thing for Danica Johnny. Her lips

are thinner than Nicole Richie during

Ramadan. Congratulations, Danica, you

just got Paul position.

Hello.

Yeah. Elbows are

getting bent back further than a

congressional page.

Johnny.

Irrelevance. Ohh,

looks like Hannah's got a bad case

of tennis elbow. Man

ohh damn advantage corner. Kova

looks like she's going to

serve for the match.

Ah. Wow. Cornucopia

is to tennis what Terrell Owens is

to tennis. To put things into

perspective, Anna got less hits than Mel

Gibson's profile on J Date.

Danica is going to have to make another

pit stop. She seems a bit winded.

Understatement. She's breathing harder

down there than Tony Soprano eating a

cannoli.

I had a feeling that Danica gave good

helmet.

Look on the bright side, Anna, you're

about to be reunited with Enrique's

career. There

you have it folks. This one is

all over and there is not so

fast there tapioca pudding neck. You know

what they say, it ain't over till

your domineering, emotionally a*usive

tennis father says it's over.

Losers and still winless and a quarter

golden. Danica Patrick. Well, Nick, you

hate to see it end in a tie

because you know what they say? Yeah, a

tie is like kissing a WNBA player. I

don't think that's the phrase A tie. Like

seeing your grandmother naked. We'll be

back before you can clear your web

browser history, you sick monkey. Welcome

back to Celebrity Deathmatch. Our next

fight is so juicy it's guaranteed to make

your mouth water in that way it tends

to do right before you puke. The tension

in the air is palpable, Johnny. Like the

moments. For a self-conscious fat kid

learns whether he'll be on shirts or

skins, and here's why. Next up, it's

m*rder baller Mark Zupan, who's paralyzed

from the waist down, versus wild boy

Chris Pontius, who many think is

paralyzed from the neck up. Both appeared

in the wildly successful ******* #2. Both

want better. So one

of them has to die, folks. Some might

think it irresponsible of us to allow

someone who's handicapped into the ring,

but I take this moment to remind everyone

that CDM is an equal opportunity venue of

death. Right you are, Johnny. Although I

don't think they like to be called

handicapped anymore. I believe some of

the more politically correct terms these

days are the exotically able, the

conveniently parked or the Detroit Lions.

Let's go down to Tally Wong on

the floor. I'm here with Mark Zupan,

star of the documentary m*rder Ball,

which critics hailed the Feel Nothing

film of 2005. So, Mark. Our viewers want

to know, are you really that angry at

Chris Pontius? If Chris Pontius, we're on

the side of the road on fire, I wouldn't

kiss on him to put it out. Wow, you

really have that much hostility towards

him? They're not really. It's more of a

logistical nightmare than anything else.

See, first I'd have to pass into a

catheter, then empty the urine into a

bedpan then. Wheel it over to the side of

the road and dump it on him. It really

just be easier to call 911. Yeah but

seriously, I wish him a ruptured ball.

OK, you too. I want a good pain.

Hold on, hold on. This is completely

unfair. How do you mean? Come on, man.

Do I have to be the one to

state the obvious? One of us here is

severely handicapped. Here. I'll even

things up a bit.

Satisfied. Yeah. Now I got a chance.

You don't have a chance for nothing,

ponies. You just passed out drunk in

the back of a pickup truck. And

that pickup truck? His name? Mark

Superman. Everyone ready?

Ready. Ready

and let's get it all.

OK, Zupan, I I don't wanna

have to see you.

Ohh, God, you're Joey. I think all that

time you spent running to stay out of

Knoxville shadow would have kept you in

better shape. I am not in Knoxville

shadow. I got my own show. Haven't you

seen Wild Boys? Yeah. Yeah. It actually

inspired me to get up and walk for the

first time since my accident. You know, I

could change the channel.

With you.

Yeah, you and how many you

nurses who? Zupan is exhibiting

tremendous upper body strength. This is

why they call him the Sultan

of Squat. And that's my nickname,

although admittedly for an entirely

different reason.

Looks like Chris and Mark sent us up

a vanilla milkshake. Thanks guys. Nick,

no, that's not a vanilla milkshake.

That's horse.

Oh, oh,

it's quality.

No, but one time I spread

peanut butter on my scrotum and

got licked by an 1800 LB

yak. Damn near m*rder*d my ba*ls

then. Well let's play now. Ohh

God that hurts.

I haven't stopped laughing since



series of blows by Zupan. Pontius

is about one minute away from

having his own quad Father Snake,

Johnny Snake. This is a garden

hose, Nick.

Good one fellas. Ohh dude, is that

a crazy chinchilla in your jockstrap or

are you just happy to see me?

Get off me, get off me,

get off. How

do you like it? Dude? That wasn't

the chinchilla, that was your goatee.

Alright, you go Team is touching

my package. Oh oh oh. Check

out what Exhibit hooked me up

with on GIMP. My ride.

You can't stop Superman, you can only

hope to contain him. Which is odd because

you think they're well placed. Nudge

would do the trick. So you would think,

but Zupan has Pontius right where he

wants it. Or rather, right where everyone

wants it.

Here's a safety tip, when being

decapitated, be sure to have your legs

ripped off as well in order to reduce

the risk of chi imbalance.

We got us a winner. Not in

that you're a winner just because you

competed kind of way victory laps and

Zupan does it. Mark Zupan takes down

Pontius. Big deal. I'm not impressed, OK.

I see what's going on here. Any of our

regular viewers know full well that Nick

Diamond is a huge fan of the Wild Boys.

You're letting your unabashed love for

the Wild Boys cloud your judgment of this

fight. No, I am not. Then you're letting

your judgment be clouded by the fact that

you have leeches on your eyeballs. No, I

am.

We'll be right back after these messages.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch and

Nick. Our first two Sports Night battles

could not have been more exciting. In our

first fight, Danica Patrick and Anna

Kournikova both tried to get the first

victory of their careers. Which ended in

a tie, keeping their amazing record of

mediocrity intact. But there was nothing

intact about the second fight, especially

Chris Pontius, who was ripped to shreds

by Mark Zupan and his amazing chair of

death. Now available through The Sharper

Image catalog. Which brings us to our

main event featuring two of them. Most

controversial figures in the history of

our national pastime trolling YouTube for

videos of college chicks French kissing

Nick I'm in baseball. Ohh. Ripped from

today's headlines. It's single season

home run king Barry Bonds versus

commissioner of baseball Bud Seelig at

the center of their feud is of

course. The ongoing steroid investigation

that has placed a dark cloud over

baseball. I only wish we could all go

back to that more innocent time when the

players rapidly used steroids, but we

didn't think about it. Interesting

perspective, Nick, And for more

perspective, let's go down to Taiwan with

Barry Bonds. I'm here with Barry Bonds.

He began his Hall of Fame career 20

years ago with nothing more than

racehorse amino acids and a dream of

telly. Can you tell the cameraman to zoom

out a bit? We can only see Garry's

head. The cameraman is 300 yards away.

Johnny Sweet corn fed cranium. That's one

ginormous head, Barry, these days. It

seems like you have the weight of the

world on your shoulders along with a

copious amount of acne. Anything you'd

like to get off your man *****? I

mean just, I've never normally taken any

performance enhancing substances. Wait,

what was that right there? That was

steroids, wasn't it? This stuff is

perfectly harmless and legal. It's all

natural with no side effects.

Umm.

Johnny, back to you. Did he or didn't

he? That's the controversy, and the fans

here tonight seem to be on both sides.

There are those who think that Bonds has

taken steroids and those who are just as

certain that he hasn't. Who's right? We

don't know. All we know is someone is

going to die. Any final thoughts, Nick? I

think Owen Wilson's nose looks

disturbingly like a human pennis on the

fight. No, let's go to the ring. OK,

listen up. There's no crying in baseball,

but there isn't death match. This ain't

the Field of Dreams. It's the field of

screams. Now, let's get it all.

There's the bell, and this one is

underway. It looks

like a pretty one sided battle. I'll say

on paper this fight is more lopsided than

Tara Reid's fake *****. Let's see if

Ceiling can bring any fury to the fight.

OK Bonds, you're going down like a guy

who unlawfully rebroadcasts or

retransmits a game without the express

written consent of. Major LeagueBaseball.

Abacus. Because

you can count on me, you know, to bring

the pain.

Ohh, tough guy, huh? I destroyed the

Brewers and I can destroy you too. Hey,

Bonds got it right in the groin, but

he's not going down.

Side effect of supposed steroid use is

retracted testicles. What the hell? Sorry

bud. Smooth as a Ken doll down

there, just like Lance Armstrong. I guess

one could say the count is 2

strikes. No ba*ls if one must.

When he's out of here.

And the Bonds fans are loving it, Nick.

Well, chicks dig the long ball, although

fat chicks will settle for warning track

power. Do that with

the Kennesaw mountain Landis. I don't

think so. Ohh. Wait a minute, ceiling

is back. Ceiling has come back down into

the ring. I guess he hasn't had enough

punishment yet. Who the hell does he

think he is? The Kansas City Royals? Back

for more, huh? Time to sow the seeds of

your destruction.

Oh my God, Bonds is spreading his

seeds around. Like Ron Jeremy, he's

getting more hits than Myspace or whoever

is currently dating Tommy Lee.

Seelig is getting absolutely slaughtered

out there, but still, the milk toast of

Milwaukee is continuing to fight. He's

climbing back into the ring and is

covered in syringes. It seems an awfully

strange time for him to do a Pete

Doherty impression. Johnny. I don't think

this was intentional, Nick. It seems

Seelig landed in Barry Bonds equipment

bag. Nothing to worry about there. Not

unless you're Barry Bonds.

Ceiling is now huge.

What's the matter? Scared? You're

sweating more than Patrick Ewing taking

spin class on the equator?

Back, back, back.

Wow, talk about a plan

backfiring. The puss from Bonds

alleged steroid induced Bagley as

temporarily blinded ceiling time for

the 7th inning stretch.

Straight line, huh?

Ohh on Round 2,

ba*ls 3.

Track 2.



this. Is that a BBB allergic to

bees? Johnny Definitely allergic to bees.

Oh my God, it appears that Bonds just

ex*cuted a suicide squeeze play,

something a slugger like him would never

do unless he was given.

The sign ohh wait not a B

just some lent what I miss.

Looks like we have us a

winner, but ceiling. I am Seelig,

hear me right.



And that just about does it for us. So

for all of us here at Celebrity

Deathmatch, seriously, what I missed this

is Johnny Gomez saying good fight and

good night.