19x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening
and welcome to Would I Lie To You,

the show with unvarnished truths

and highly polished lies.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,

from This Morning to this evening,
it's Josie Gibson. Aw.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And the queen of comedy herself,
Jo Brand.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on David Mitchell's
team tonight,

children's author
and stand-up comic,

it's Alasdair Beckett-King.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And singer, actress
and West End star Beverley Knight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We begin with Round 1, Home Truths,

where our panellists read out

a statement from the card
in front of them.

To make things harder,

they've never seen the card before.

They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.

And Josie, you're first up.
Right, OK.

I once rode my horse to
the post office,

but when I came out,
he'd been given a parking ticket.

David's team. Where did this happen?

This happened in my local village,
in Iron Acton,

and I was actually in a horse
and cart.

And when was this?

This was about... 1874.

This was 2009.

Have you traded the horse in
now you're on TV?

It's a bit...

It's a bit sensitive,
cos he died.

Oh-h. So, yeah. Oh, dear.
Oh, Alasdair.

That's your fault, Alasdair.
I know.

LAUGHTER

And how far was
the post office from home?

About a 25-minute drive.
It's not too far.

It was only a few miles.
You can't go too far on a cart.

Mm-hm. It would only be, like,
five minutes in a car.

But on a car[t],
it's about 25 minutes. Sorry?

Can I just ask you,

only five minutes in a car,

but on a car, it's...?

It would only be a five-minute drive
in a car.

Yes. Right. But on a cart...
Cart!

A cart.

Please try and stress the T
just a little bit more. Oh, sorry.

On a horse and cart... Yes.

CLEARLY ENUNCIATED: ..it took
a little bit longer.

So you had a cart.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What part of the horse was
the ticket on?

It wasn't on the horse as such,

it was actually on the cart.

And is it a big industry these days,
hort and carts training?

Hort and cart - it is hard to say.
Yeah, in certain...

Is hort and...? Is horse...?

LAUGHTER

Just so you know,
she was told to pronounce the T's.

You might want to drop them
when they don't exist.

Right, previously,
you've never got a ticket?

Never, no. No.

I will just say, normally, I do put
the horse in the car park, but...

Sorry... What's his
registration number for the machine?

J-E-T. Jet, his name was.

Yeah, but this time I parked him on

the double yellow lines outside
the post office.

So what did you do with the ticket?
Did you appeal?

I basically just ignored it. Yeah.
GASPING

And what happened?

Nothing happened.
Well, of course!

Nothing happened? Nothing happened,
yeah. But how could it?

Cos usually they've got the car
registration.

Oh, of course. What are they going
to write, "Some cart"?

It's untraceable. No, you've got
to put a registration number on

the back of a horse and cart.

Oh, do you? Oh-h. Yeah.

Paint a picture of Jet,
the horse.

The dead horse. Aw.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Sorry, what? Wow. What?

I'm glad you didn't say you went to
the post office with your mother,

he'd have been just as heartless.

But Jet was a very special horse.

He was obviously jet black.

He did like a mare.
He did like a mare.

Oh. So you had to be careful.

When you went past the mares' field,

you had to be really,
really careful.

That is very awkward if you're
in a horse and cart

and they're at it.

It'd be like a free rocking horse,
wouldn't it? It'd be great.

What do you think?
Is she telling the truth?

I think she has knowledge of horses.
Yeah.

I think she may have had a horse
in her life

who has subsequently passed away.

I believe that.
Must you keep banging on?

LAUGHTER

When you're getting the number plate
for a cart,

what's it say?
Does it just say "horse"?

No, you know when you buy, like,

a personalised licence plate,
you can do that for a cart.

So ours was JET2.

Oh, my God, was there another one
that died as well?

No!

We called him Jet2
after the airline.

Oh. Oh, I see.

LAUGHTER

Should have called him Virgin
for when he's going past the mares.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, what do you think?
Time to decide.

I think there's a whole
bunch of truth,

but the central thing
I don't think is true.

What do you think?
I think it's true.

You think so? You think it's true?

You see, I completely believed it

until the thing about
the number plate.

OK. It's on you.
I think it's a lie. OK.

They think it's a lie. Josie,

was it a lie
or were you telling the truth?

I can confirm that it was a...

..lie. Oh!

Good effort.

Yes, it's a lie.

Josie's horse didn't get
a parking ticket.

Alasdair, you're next.

For several years,
I regularly wore a wizard's hat.

Lee's team.

Shall we just kick off with why?

Oh, I was going to say,
"Is it a euphemism?"

For what?

What for?

Ah!

LAUGHTER

You're joking!

No, it isn't.

I know, but she believed me,
so go with it.

You wore a wizard's hat?

I wore a wizard's hat
for several years.

The start age and the end age?

18, 19. Oh.
I was a teenager.

Awkward old... I thought
you were going to say five.

18. 18, 19. Into my early 20s.
Did you make it?

I made it, yes. From what?

Fabric. What kind of fabric?

Fabric.
Fabric can mean many things.

Cotton. Well, I would say rubber,

or plastic if you're wearing it
in the rain.

I suppose the practicalities
of making it,

and if you're sewing up rubber...

I had to repair my girlfriend
the other day and...

..and started nailing it through
the... Yeah.

Were you one of these re-enactors?

No, no. Fiercely, no.
I can't walk past re-enactors

without them trying to lure me over
because of my general appearance,

and I'm not interested
in actual history at all.

I'm interested in wizards
and their hats.

To be fair, to be a re-enactor
in a wizard's hat,

there would have to be a historical
event that had involved wizards.

So you'd be amazed,
there aren't that many.

No. Battle of Hastings,
number of wizards present?

Zero. Zero.

How would people react to you

when they saw you in the street,
Alasdair?

Largely negatively.

White-van-driving men
were not enthusiasts for the...

LAUGHTER

They would say things like,
"Oh, the circus is in town."

Oh. Which is... I know,
cos there's no wizards

in the circus, there's clowns.
I know.

It doesn't even make sense.

But by the time I've said that,
they've gone. They're away.

A white-van driver would not go,

"Oh, there's a circus in town."

They would use one word only...

..and we're all thinking it.

I'm paraphrasing.

Now, Alasdair,
while all this was going on,

what did your girlfriend make of it?

She hated the wizard's hat.

Well, that was my polite way of
enquiring whether you had a partner,

and you've surprised me.

She wasn't enthusiastic about
the headwear.

And you were adamant that you
were going to stick with it, though?

I stuck with it until it became,

I would say,
morally untenable to wear the hat.

Morally? Morally?

Ooh. Why morally?

Towards the end of the hat era,

I had a neighbour
who was a short guy, not a tall guy.

And I'm a... I'm pretty tall.

The image we created together...

..in the streets,

it had a Middle-earthian vibe. Oh.

Like he was looking for a ring?

Did the hat give you any powers?

I think we know the answer to that,
don't we?

Do you think he's telling the truth?

I think he's, um... Oh, you look...

You look like a lizar...a wizard.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sorry, sorry.

I am going to cry myself
to sleep

underneath a light bulb
tonight. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Jo, what do you reckon?

I think none of it is convincing,

which is why I think it's true.

Ah. Wow. Interesting.

OK, we'll say it's true. OK.

They're saying true. Alasdair,

was it true or was it a lie?

It was...

..the truth.

Oh, my God!

Yes, it's true.

Alasdair used to wear
a wizard's hat.

Beverley, you're next.

For my 40th birthday, David Bowie
gave me 40 boxes of teabags.

Lee's team.
Well, it's clearly a lie,

cos you're definitely not 40.

You look about 56.

LAUGHTER

Rude! Rude!

You don't look 40. No.

So, what did David Bowie give you?

40 boxes of teabags.

Were you good friends with
David Bowie?

Not a good friend,
but we talked a lot.

Would he just ring you up
out of the blue and go...

# Are you drinking the tea?

# That's all you ever do... #

Did he wrap the tea up like
it was a birthday present

so you just got the boxes? No!
Was there a note?

A card or a note? Yes. Yeah.
What did the card say?

"I think you'd like these.
Uncle D."

Sounds a bit sinister.

Did you ever meet him, Jo?
Uh, yeah.

Did you? In which circumstances?

Sleeping with him.

Blimey. Moving on.

# I think you'll like this.
Uncle D... #

What were the flavours,
if you don't mind me asking?

So, English breakfast. Of course.
Straight up. Classic.

Earl Grey. Yeah.
DAVID: Eurgh.

Green. Oh, green.
What? Green's lovely.

No, it was Earl Grey
that made me go eurgh.

Oh, really?
Yeah, don't like Earl Grey.

No. Some people like it,
but I don't.

You know, it's not the normal kind,
is it?

HE SNIFFS

LAUGHTER

What are you thinking, Jo?
Could it be true?

Yeah, I think it is true.
Josie, what do you think?

I think because you know
so much detail about David,

I think you are definitely telling
the truth.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't
think there was that much detail

about him, other than David knows
that she likes tea,

which she could be making up.

In fact, is if she's lying.

Oh, God.

LAUGHTER

Oh, now I'm thinking.

It's good that you've started.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What's your team going to say,
Lee?

If you two think it's true,
we'll go with true.

Do you think it's true, Josie?
I do, yeah.

Well, then we'll say true.
OK. They're saying it's true.

Beverley, was it true
or was it a lie?

I can confirm...

# It was a lie! #

JOSIE: Oh, my God, she's brilliant!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yes, it's a lie.

Beverley wasn't gifted teabags
by David Bowie.

Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of
our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest.

It's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this
week's special guest,

Tamsin.

APPLAUSE

So, Jo, what is Tamsin to you?

Well, this is Tamsin,

and when she got married,
I mistook her husband for her dad.

Right, Josie,
how do you know Tamsin?

This is Tamsin

and, because of me, she never got
to go to an Oscars party.

Right. And, finally, Lee,
your relationship with Tamsin?

This is Tamsin. She's the GP
who caught me using her stethoscope

to listen through
the walls of her surgery.

So there we have it. David's team,
where will you begin?

Right, Jo. David.
So, why were you at this wedding?

I wasn't attending the wedding.

I was staying in the hotel
where the wedding was.

Oh, right, yeah.
And so I was asked by someone

at the wedding if...

..I could have my picture taken

with the bride and groom.

Yeah.

Where are we, Jo?
In kind of North Kent-ish.

And what were you doing there?
Were you having a little break?

I was having a break and an affair

at the same time.

LAUGHTER

So, how aged was the husband
that you thought,

"No, he can't be the groom.
He must be the father."

Like, 20 years older,
30 years older, to me.

So I said to him,

"Is this, like, your first daughter
to get married?"

Or just something to...

Oh. Yeah, I know. Just to sort
of get the conversation going.

And there was kind of, like, quite
an embarrassed silence.

And then someone said to me...

MUFFLED: .."That's her husband," out
of the side of their mouth and I...

How did Tamsin respond?

He looked embarrassed.

She looked slightly angry,
if I'm honest.

Describe the scene
of this photograph.

People sitting round drinking.

But this is after the meal
and the speeches

and not in the room
where the tables would be?

David, I didn't get a rundown of
the order of their wedding.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry to press you.

I'm only doing it
just in case you're lying.

LAUGHTER

If you were
just telling me this story

under other circumstances,

I wouldn't be pushing
for this detail.

Do you know what, David?
I think you would. Well...

Yes, probably.

I've seen you round my house having
a cup of tea and this kind of chat.

Yes. "I mowed the lawn yesterday."

AS DAVID: "Ah, OK. Prove it."

Did you make it up?
Did you leave on good terms?

Well, I apologised, yes.

But... Did you offer her
tickets to one of your shows?

No, cos I always view that
as more of a punishment

for young people.

How long ago was this?
Three or four years ago.

And would you say you've stayed
in touch with Tamsin since then?

What do you think?

LAUGHTER

I just think she would be very hard
to track down for this programme.

Well, all you'd need is the date

you were at the hotel
and just ring the hotel.

There was a wedding on, remember?

No, that's pretty impressive.
Yeah, I hadn't thought of that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How do you do it?

DAVID: Well, I think,
from what Lee says,

the story about the GP

and the stethoscope's
looking less likely.

Right,
who are you going to quiz next?

OK. Go on. We'll go to Josie,
shall we, next?

Remind us, Josie.

Because of me,

Tamsin never got to go to
an Oscars party.

What Oscars party would
she otherwise have gone to?

It was Elton John's Oscars party.

That's quite a big Oscars party.
A big deal.

It was a big deal.

Basically, the only reason Tamsin
took that job was to go.

What was that job?
I was working for This Morning...

Right. ..and I had to go to LA.

On the last day was
Elton John's party.

Yeah. And...

..I got chucked out.

So, what happened?
We were working the red carpet.

Yeah. And then
Elton John's right-hand woman...

Yeah. ..said, "Oh,
we're big fans of This Morning.

"Here you go.
Here are three wristbands,"

because our cameraman was there,
and I went,

"Oh, thank you very much."
So where does Tamsin come into it?

Tamsin's my producer. Right.

So then Tamsin said to me...

Yeah. .."Hold these wristbands.

"I'm just going to go and put
the camera equipment in the car."

So I started twiddling
with the wristbands. Uh-oh.

And I was twiddling with
the wristbands

and as I was twiddling with
the wristbands,

they were getting smaller
and smaller and smaller,

and then I was like, "Oh, God, this
is not going to fit on my wrist."

So instead of doing anything
about it,

I put that one in my pocket

and then started twiddling with
the other one.

So I twiddled and twiddled and
twiddled and it got really small,

so I put that one in my pocket
as well,

and I thought, "Oh, no,
they're not going to fit

"on anyone's wrists here."

Is this the plot of
Alice In Wonderland?

So then Tamsin comes back.

So Tamsin and our cameraman did take

a long time to put everything
in the car.

Right. So then they came back...

Could have probably done
with an extra pair of hands.

Just saying.
They told me to wait there.

You know, I'm a game player.

Yeah. I'm one of the crew.

And then...
I think you mean a team player.

Team player. Yeah.

Yeah.
A game player is something else.

Sorry! You really don't want
that in your team.

She's a bit of a game player,
that Josie.

So the team comes back.
Yeah, the team comes back.

I said, "Oh, Tams, you'll never
guess what I've done.

"I've made the wristbands so small
that they cannot fit on our arms."

So we had to go to the front
and I said to them,

"Excuse me," I said,

"We've made our wristbands too small
to put on our arms.

"Could we have...?"
WE'VE made our wristbands too small?

Well, she is a team player.

LAUGHTER

"So could we possibly
have three more wristbands

"so they can fit on our arms
and everybody knows

"that we're allowed
in Elton John's party?"

And the woman went,
"What's your name?"

And I went, "It's Josie Gibson."

And she went...

"Your name's not on the list.

SHOUTS: "Get out!"

Like that, wow.

Like that. There's a big dip
in plausibility there.

Yeah.

So Tamsin must have been furious
with you.

Oh, my God, Tamsin was so furious.
It was unreal.

So where did you go back to?
We went back to the hotel.

A really nice hotel. Lovely.
Oh, which one? Um...

It was lovely.

LAUGHTER

And that...

It was called
the Hollywood something.

Ah, right.

I'll be honest,

Tamsin weren't right with me
for about two years.

Oh. Two years? Yeah. Right.

And then what made her get over it?
Probably bringing her here.

LAUGHTER

So this experience

has eclipsed her hopes
for Elton John's...

I'm hoping.

Josie, just so you know,

there's drinks in the green room
afterwards. Is there?

Yeah, but she's not invited.

LAUGHTER

Now, what about Lee?
Something to do with a stethoscope.

This is Tamsin. She's the GP
who caught me using her stethoscope

to listen through
the walls of her surgery.

Ah, well, what was
this sequence of events, Lee? Yeah.

I wasn't feeling very well.
Oh, right. Mm.

I went to my local GP,

and I'm very fortunate that my
local GP could fit me in that day,

because of a cancellation.

Ah, I see. Ahh. I was very lucky.

And we know what that means -
a death.

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

So I went to see my GP. Yeah.
Who is Tamsin? Er, yes.

Yeah, it's a bit weird the way

your eyes didn't dart
over towards her

when you said, "My GP."

They didn't dart, did they?
BEVERLEY: No, they didn't.

They didn't dart over. Good point.
Anyway, as I was saying,

I was going to see her
about my inability to dart my eyes.

LAUGHTER

I'm so sorry.

She couldn't fix it.

Isn't that right, Tamsin?

LAUGHTER

Well, let's together invent
the next bit.

OK.

David, you go first. OK.

So you walk into
the consulting room.

Yes. But Tamsin isn't there.
She's hopped out of the window.

No. Oh, sorry.

She jumped out the window. OK.

No, so I went in. She said,
"I'll give you a quick check-up,"

and she got her stethoscope out
and she checked my heart.

Mm-hm. I said,
"It's the other side."

But, you know, she's new.

And...

LAUGHTER

The bit I've missed out,

the very important bit I missed out

is that none of this happened.

No, the bit that I missed out was
that in the waiting room... Yeah.

..I saw a man look at me
and he gave...

You must have been looking
at him, then, to be fair.

Well, I couldn't look at him,
cos he was over there

and I couldn't dart my eyes.

LAUGHTER

And he looked at me in a way
that made me think,

"Ah, is he sort of giving me

"the nod of 'you're the guy off
the telly',

"or is he giving me the nod of

"'you're the dad from the
playground?'"

How did that mild social anxiety

translate into theft
and eavesdropping?

Right. It wasn't theft, because
I didn't take it from the building.

And, as you know, you can't get done
for shoplifting

by putting it in your pocket.
You have to walk out the door.

And trust me, I know.

LAUGHTER

You can stuff as many sweets
in your pocket,

they can't do anything about it.
You have to exit the building.

I don't think you're allowed
to eat them going round,

admittedly, but...

Even though they're,
in molecular terms,

still in the building. Correct.

If you stayed there long enough
that you've digested them...

..ejected them,
left that in a corner,

they can't catch you. Can't do you.

They can't, they can't.
And, in fact,

they don't want to touch you,
I find.

What prompted you to pick up
this stethoscope? Yeah.

We have the consultation.
I hear a knock on the door,

there's a chat about something
and she needs to go next door.

And as the door is open,

they call out a name
and it's your man.

All three of them go into
the room... Right.

..and I'm sure
that I heard the word Lee.

So I thought I'd have
a proper listen, right?

And I saw the stethoscope.
In, wall, listen. Yeah.

But it was too muffled to hear it
properly.

And, of course, I'm doing all that,

moving round
the room a bit like that.

I moved a bit too far round,

I went next door
and examined a patient.

LAUGHTER

And went back in again.

And "Oh, no, I think this horse
has gone, I'm afraid."

And then I just sort of...
And then she came in.

She's back in, isn't she?
What happened?

And says what? She said,
"What are you doing?"

And I said, "What?"

LAUGHTER

"Sorry?"

I just... I was panicking,
I had to think on my feet.

I just said,
"I've got some terrible news.

"I think your wall's dead."

LAUGHTER

All right. We need an answer.

So, is Tamsin
Jo's bemused bride,

Josie's frustrated friend,

or Lee's dismayed doctor?

I think whenever we describe

Tamsin's aged, repulsively
elderly husband...

LAUGHTER

..there is a reaction
in her face that says,

"I live with this man.
He is my husband."

But remember,
Jo said she was annoyed.

I think that's someone
who would have been amused

if Jo had mistaken
her...the groom for her father.

But we can only imagine how elderly
he is.

We don't know.

He was supposed to be here tonight,

but we haven't got a ramp.

Right.

Lee's story, I... I don't...

I think it's less embarrassing
to not recognise someone

than it is to borrow a piece
of medical equipment.

I must say, there's a lot
of plausibility

to Josie's story for me. Yeah.

You described the sort of wristband
that you could,

as it were,
put beyond use just by fidgeting.

That is a thing.

Well, I'm deeply lost,

but I think you two think it's Jo.
I think Jo.

We... Yes. Yeah.

Well, let's say it's Jo, then. Yeah.

OK, they're saying that it's Jo
and the wedding. Oh, God, here we go.

Tamsin, would you please reveal
your true identity?

I'm Tamsin,

and because of Josie,
I missed an Oscars party.

Oh, my God!

Yes,
Tamsin is Josie's frustrated friend.

Thank you very much, Tamsin.
Thank you!

Do you forgive me now?
Do you forgive me?

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies.

And we start with...

It's David.

Aged seven,
if I'd been a good boy,

every Sunday I was allowed to sit
at the head of the table

and drink my milk from a wine glass.

Lee's team. If this isn't true,

I'm starting to think they might
be stereotyping us.

Were you particularly delighted

to be able to drink your milk from
a wine glass?

Particularly delighted
pretty much nails it. Yeah.

What would constitute
good behaviour?

Or, perhaps more interestingly
with you,

what would constitute bad behaviour?

To be honest,

I was pretty, pretty conventional,
you know,

I didn't break rules,
but sometimes I was,

if you can imagine this, you know,
not very good company.

You know, I would moan and I'd say,

"Oh, do I have to?"
and that sort of thing.

So you were a bad boy
if you said, "I'm not..."

And I'm quite enjoying saying
you're a bad boy.

I was a bad...

You're a bad boy. A naughty,
naughty boy. Naughty, bad boy.

LAUGHTER

And would you be served?

Like the maitre d'' would say,

"Would you like to have
a look at the...?"

I'd look at the milk list.

LAUGHTER

No, I wouldn't be served,
but I would just...

You were allowed to drink from
the wine glass,

because that's what they did,
the grown-ups.

Yes.
And you've got siblings, of course.

I didn't at that point. Ah, OK.

Cos he's eight years
younger than me,

so at that point he was minus one.

Oh, so there was... That's sort
of around about the conception time.

You don't want to be thinking
about that. Well...

LAUGHTER

And, yeah, and that was the...

They used to pour you
the milk like that and say,

"You enjoy your milk."

I would sip the milk,

and then I'd wake up four hours
later with my face on the table

and my parents would come
into the room smiling, so...

I could imagine him with
a little Babycham glass...

Yes. ..like with a little pinky
out like that, drinking his milk.

With his what out?
With his little pinky. Oh, right.

Cos he was very much in danger then
of being a bad boy, wasn't he?

I think we'll have that glass
of milk back, don't you, David?

OK. Time to decide.

You're not having it.

I'm not having it.
And you are having it.

I... Well, I don't know about that,
but, yeah.

LAUGHTER

But you believe him? Yeah.

I will go with Josie
and say it's true.

OK. They're saying it's true.

David, was it true or was it a lie?

It was...

..a lie. Oh.

Oh, Jo, you were right.

APPLAUSE

Sorry. It's a lie.

David didn't drink milk from
a wine glass.

KLAXON

That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.

And I can reveal that David's team
has won by three points to two. Yay!

APPLAUSE

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.