19x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

APPLAUSE

Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show
that separates fact from fiction.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

taking a break from The Repair Shop,
it's Will Kirk.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And broadcaster
and raconteur extraordinaire,

it's Gyles Brandreth.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
from the Love Island villa to

the Strictly ballroom,
it's Tasha Ghouri.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And comedy actor and writer,
the wonderful Jessica Knappett.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We begin with round one —
Home Truths —

where our panel lists read out

a statement from the card
in front of them.

Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.

Gyles is first up tonight.

Whilst attempting to break
the world record

for the longest ever
after—dinner speech,

I had a dreadful accident.

Who were you speaking to?
I was speaking to...

It's a charity event.
We are at a hotel in London.

So what was the record
that you were trying to break?

The record stood... The record
stood...

The record's scratched by the sound
of it.

The record stood for 11 hours.

I spoke on that occasion
for 12.5 hours.

And these people stayed to watch.
They did.

You may be surprised to hear that,
but I don't know

if you've ever heard me speaking
at length, but...

What was the subject of your speech?

Now, this is interesting,

I decided to do it
as an A to Z of life.

So I began with A for half
an hour, then B for half an hour.

We understand.

Well, you did half
an hour on J, then, didn't you?

Well, ]] was rather easy
because ] was for jokes, you know.

What does the king do when he burps?

He issues a royal pardon.

So you did half an hour of that?

You've spent 30 years doing that.
You should be at home.

Gyles, what was the accident?

It was of a personal nature.
You're
still going to have to tell us.

I'd found
that in the middle of the night,

I was needing a comfort break.

There was, therefore,
the risk of a dreadful accident.

And it appears
that the accident occurred.

And so are we talking
about you wetting yourself?

In those days, the Guinness Book
Of Records were insistent.

It has to be a real record.
An endurance record!

You weren't allowed a toilet break.

You weren't allowed a toilet break.
OK.

Before I went to make this speech,

I explained to the president
of the charity,

the late Duke of Edinburgh,

that I was anxious
that I wouldn't achieve

the goal because I would need to go

for this comfort break
in the middle of the night.

And he said to me, "Well,

"you can take a pee
in the middle of the night, surely?"

I said, "No, sir. I'll be in front
of 300 people,

"wearing a dinner suit."

He said, "You can still take a pee,
man. You can do it there and then."

I said, "How on earth
is that possible, sir?"

He said, "You'll be wearing
the appliance, surely?"

The what?!
The appliance.
No, you misunderstand.

When I said, "You what?!" I didn't
mean I couldn't hear you.

I meant, what are you talking about?

He said, "Go down
John Bell & Croydon,

"medical suppliers, Wigmore Street."

I had a Covid jab there.

My friend here...
Just when I thought this story

couldn't get any more sexy.

I nipped down and I was seen
immediately by

a very nice young person,

who kitted me out with
the appliance,

which was a kind of apparatus

you wear
over your private parts,

and had attached to it
a long piece of rubber tubing.

Oh, come on.
Pink in colour.

It leads all the way from the event
to the chemist's.

No!
"We'll return it
in the morning, sir.”

So this is a thing that goes over
your...
Your Duke of Edinburgh.

I popped it on and...
Once it's on,

are you dressing to the left
or the right?

I don't think I know
you well enough.

About two in the morning I thought,

I do need now my little
Jimmy Riddle.

And then I suddenly thought,
"Oh, my God!

"Is it going to make a terrible
whooshing sound?"

So I thought, I know what I'll do.
I will let go.

And as I'm about to let go,
I'll tell a joke.

And on the laugh,
that's when I will let go.

The laugh will cover the letting go.
The whoosh.

Yes, the whoosh. So I let go.

It was then that I realised

that the appliance
had slipped its moorings.

Gyles, can I ask a question?

What letter were we're on here.?

Is it P?

It will be from now on in.

That is...
Did it slip its moorings
as you were weeing into it?

The power of the jet.

Had made it slip.
Yeah.

If it were me, I'd have thought,
you know,

“Little tinkle. It'll be just fine."

Yes. And if it had been you,
it would have been a little tinkle,

but it was me.

So is it like a catheter?
But it's mechanical.

Well, yes. Am I able to stand up?
Or maybe you can't stand up.

You're allowed to stand up.
Gyles, is this wise?

Are you wearing it tonight?
No.

I'm not.
You may find this surprising,

but I am now sponsored by

the Tena Flex Plus Supersoft
incontinence pad people.

Thank you.

Well...

The truth is, what happened was
this.

I was making my speech...

...and I looked down
and out of my trouser leg...

You could see the end of a bit
of a full balloon.

Awful. I mean,
it became snaking across the stage.

And meanwhile, you're still going?

No, it staunches it completely.

It's all coming back now vividly
to me.

So the shock stopped the flow.

Worse than that,
I found I was not able to go to

the loo for,
I think, about 72 hours.

Well, there we are.

Thank you for watching.
That's all we've got time for.

Tasha, what are you thinking, Tasha?

I've got a lot of images
in my head now.

Of course.
Nothing I want to see right now.

No, it's going to be a while
before you forget those images.

Yes. There's so much detail there.

Why would you know about
the appliance if it's not true?

I mean, if it's a lie...
Yeah.

...he's made this a lot harder
than it needed to be.

What are we going for?
You say true?

I'm leaving this in your hands.

That's what he said.

You're saying true?
It's got to be true.

So they're saying it's true.

Gyles, was it true,
or was that all a lie?

It was...

...true.
Yes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's true.
Gyles did have a dreadful accident

during his world—record attempt.

Right, Will, you're next.
Right.

Out loud, Will.
OK.

When... Please. When King Charles
came to The Repair Shop,

I had to chase him to his car

because he'd walked off
with my big chisel.

Right, Lee's team.

I know he was on The Repair Shop.

I remember seeing a clip.
Can I just check,

was he King at this point?
He was actually Prince.

What did he bring to get repaired?

A vase,
And what was wrong
with the vase?

The vase was broken.

Obviously.

Otherwise your show would be called
Second—Hand Shop.

Exactly.

Apparently, the vase had been put
on a window at Dumfries House,

and one of the...servants...?
I don't know, Gyles,

is that what they're called?
Staff.
Staff.

So confident.
One of the servants
had hit it with a staff.

And that's when it broke.

He came round to all of
our benches to

sort of have a look at
what we're doing

and look at our tools
and things like that.

And I have a really big chisel
that he was quite taken by.

What did he think of your tool?

LAUGHTER

He said that it's...

He said...
He said it was quite broad.

I don't know!

Surely, in your job,
you've got many—sized chisels,

not just one big chisel.
But this is my favourite one,

and I have a little place for it
on the wall behind my bench.

What did he say when he was
holding it?
Weighty.

Weighty.
Weighty.
Weighty.

AS CHARLES: Weighty. Very weighty.

W-W-Weighty.
Let's have more of
that. We love that.

AS CHARLES: Very, very weighty.
Really weighty.
Wonderfully weighty.

I don't know how you do it.
I'm full of admiration.

Exactly.

I'm doing King Charles
when he was still a Prince.

So, how did he end up
walking away with it?

So he handed it to one of his...

Possibly an equerry
who was with him.

Yeah.
Equerry.
And then they started
to kind of walk away,

and I didn't know what to say

because I met him at Dumfries House
before this,

and I was talking to someone
that I was with about,

"I don't know how to speak to him.

"Do I shake his hand?
Do I bow?"

Anyway, before I knew it,
I'd turned to my left...

Can you stand up for a second?
I am standing up.

There you go. So I was...
So I'm waiting to greet him.

So I turn around

and he's already here
with his hand out.
BOO!
Oh!

Anyway,
so he has his hand out like this.

AS CHARLES: Nice to meet you.

So I turn around, realise
that you're waiting to shake.

This is in slow motion, by the way.

So I go like that. I go...
Ooh!

Anyway, I panic because I'm coming
in too fast.

So I pull it back and I do this kind
of weird finger...

And then I turn back to rectify.
Then he'd already gone.

Ooh.
So, you gave his fingers
a little tickle.

Fingers a little tickle, yeah.

OK. How did you get
that chisel back?

So I went over to the car,
and I tapped on the window.

I said, "I think you have
my chisel."

And he said, "I do."

And then he gave it back to me.
Oh.

I think that he probably thought it
was a gift,

but trying to save my embarrassment,

he kind of just handed it
back to me.

What do you think, Tasha?
I know in a scenario like that,

they have the guards around them.

So for you,
just to hand over a chisel.

I don't believe it's that easy.
Because it's quite a sharp weapon.

Yeah!
Yeah.
I think none of it's true.

What, he doesn't work
on Repair Shop?

Go on. We'll say lie, then, yeah?

They're saying it's a lie, Will.

Was it a lie,
or were you telling the truth?

That was a...

.lie.
Oh!

That's a lie.
Will didn't chase King Charles.

Our next round is called
This Is My -

where we bring on a mystery guest,

who has a close connection to one
of our panel lists.

This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest.

It's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Kate.

APPLAUSE

So, Tasha, what is Kate to you?
So, this is Kate

and she had to repair
the glitter ball trophy

after I dropped it
at the Strictly wrap party.

AUDIENCE:
Oh!
Oh.

Right. Jessica,
how do you know Kate?

This is Kate. Together, we tried

and failed to get an intruder
out of my house.

OK. And finally, Lee,
what's your relationship with Kate?

This is Kate. She gave me a plaster

after her horse bit me
on the nipple.

So there we have it. David's team,
where will you begin?

OK, we'll start with Tasha.

So why were you holding
the glitter ball trophy?

So...
Yeah. Why don't you rub it
in that she didn't win?

Yeah. I was going to say.

What business did you have
touching that holy object?

I just wanted to see what it felt
like to hold it,

you know, if I had won it.

But basically,
Strictly wrap party,

so you finish your dances,

Chris gets announced the winner,
and everyone, you know,

celebrating. All the crew come out
on the dance floor.

You know,
everyone's having a good time.

So I've got a picture with
the trophy.

And then Aljaz
was at the bottom of the steps.

Aljaz being the dashing dancer,
who was your partner?
Dance partner.

Yes. So I basically started walking
down the steps

and I slipped and it, like,
flew out of my hand,

slammed on the floor,

and the ball rolled off
and everyone was just like, "Ah!"

And then Kate came to basically
save the day.

Who is Kate, then?
What was her role there?

She works at a stables.
So the trophy's made...

Yes. We'll come on to that.

She was looking after the trophy.
The trophy is made by a company

called Trophy Master
and she works for the company.

So, Kate just said,
"Ah, I'll fix it," you know.

Given this is a BBC programme, why
did they not go to The Repair Shop?

So you've met Kate before,

because she's always there.
Whenever the trophy's there,

she's there,
lurking in the background.

She has to polish it. Make sure it
looks pretty, you know.

So, she just comes in
to polish the trophy?

So when the trophy's there,
Kate's there watching the trophy,

polishing the trophy,
looking after the trophy.

You don't want the trophy
to go missing!
You don't.

Absolutely not. Although,

obviously they make
a new one every year, don't they?

It's not like the FA Cup.

You don't have to hand it back,
do you?

Right, who would you like to quiz
next?

OK. Jessica.
Hmm.

Repel intruder you tried to with
Kate, did you?

Al right, Yoda.
Did I, indeed, yes.

When was this?
Last year.
What season?

Um...

Season five!
What season?!

Season.
What season?

What season? There are four options.
What season?

I could have said what month,
then there are 12 options.

But she's only ever going to say
one of them.

So whether there are 12
to choose from or four —

makes no difference to you.
She would have said one of them

three minutes ago
if you hadn't intervened.

But you're saying
that there was some advantage

to asking the season...
Oh, my God! SPRING!

...because there are only...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So it was spring.
It was spring.

What month?

May! The most spring...
May is the
beginning of summer.

June, July, August is summer.
Are you telling me

that autumn starts on
September the 1st?

Yeah, very much so. The feast
of St Giles, as it happens.

I think that's the most
middle—class put—down I've ever had.

I'm ashamed to hear that.

I've been working with you
for 19 years.

How do you know Kate?
She's sort of my neighbour.

Intruder! Intruder!
Yeah.
Who was it?

The intruder was, in fact, a bird.

A bird.
Oh!
What sort of bird,
Jessica?

I'm going to say thrush.
Oh.
OK.

Shall we get that new advert?!

Imagine that with some cream
in between the fingers.

"I'm going to say thrush.

"I'm going to say relief.

"I'm going to say for 4.99.

"I'm going to say Lidl"

Where did the thrush break in?
Or break out?

Um...

I've got a wood—burning stove and it
was just flapping...
In the stove?

It was in the stove.
It fell into the wood—burning stove.

Wow!
I have a babysitter
in the house.

She has a good idea,

which is to get a box,
a storage box with a lid on it.

So we decide that one of us is
going to open the door,

and the other person is going to
stick the box

over the wood—burning stove,

and the thrush is going
to fly into it,

and then we're going to put
the lid on. That's our plan.
OK.

What had you done prior to this,
before the babysitter was helping?

Nothing, I just shouted.
I just shouted

"Mayday! Mayday!"
She's got the
right month.
No.

So, we get the bird in,

and then we stick the lid on,
and we've got the bird in the box.

It's worked.
It's worked.
We turn around, ecstatic.

"Oh, my God! We've done it!"

Another bird flies out of the
wood—burning stove.
No!

There's double thrush.

"Double Thrush!

"9.99 from Lidl."

LAUGHTER

You haven't told us
what Kate is doing.

Yes. Well, I ran outside the house,
text Kate's husband.

Right?
And I say, "Can you come
round and help us out?"

He said, "No."
Did he?

"Ask my wife." And then he
followed it up with,

"She's got previous with birds."

Oh, right.
So I rang her.
You rang?
You didn't text her?

I said, "I don't suppose you're in
the house, are you?

"Cos I've heard you've got previous
with birds and..."

LEE:
That's a very bold text.
No.

She's remembering the day
with amusement.

She's looking back on that.
No, no, no.

She's remembering the time
her horse bit my nipple.

She just plucked one out of the air,
honestly.

As it was flying?!

And then something happened
and she got spooked,

and then the next moment,
she was running out of there.

At this point,

there's three women just standing on
the pavement screaming.

This is preposterous.

We don't need to have any more time
with this.

Did the birds get out of the house?

There was two passers—by

and they were physiotherapists.

Physiotherapists.
And they had
been visiting another neighbour...

Who needed TWO physiotherapists.

You know, you make an appointment
with a physiotherapist,

sometimes, "Do you need one
or do you need two?

"Is it a big job?"

And they've had an exhausting day,
therapising an enormous person.

In my experience of the NHS,
you can't get a physiotherapist.

And then after six months,
two come along.

So, what did these
physiotherapists do?

They each grabbed a blanket
off my sofa

and just envelop the birds
and just let them fly.

And off they went.
Right.
Now, what about Lee?

Remind us, Lee.
This is Kate.

She gave me a plaster
after her horse bit my nipple.

Where are we, Lee?

We're in a field, Rob.
We're in a field.

Why do you have your top off
in the field with a horse?

Well, listen, young man, I don't

know how you're imagining
this story,

but I haven't actually got
my top off, you pervert.
Oh!

I'm in normal clothes —
jeans, T—shirt.

Why are you in the field?
Well, I'm out with my family.

Oh, all the family are there?

Yeah, it's a Friday.
I'm allowed to see them.

So we're in a field.
There's a horse.

Now, we're leaning over the fence
trying to attract the horse over...

Right, right, right.
...with a bit of grass.

What kind of horse is it?
How many hands? Male?

Oh, it didn't have any hands.

I would say it was
quite a small horse.

It was 12 hands.
And how
did he get close to your nipple?

Well, it was a hot day.
I was lactating.

The horse came over

and he's having a little sort
of around my neck area like this.

And we're all laughing.
It was a bit ticklish,

whiskers in the face.
And then before you know it...

...chomp!
Ooh!
Ooh!

Chomp
- - -
Straight on the nipple.

I would say it was friendly.

I don't think it was
being aggressive.

Flirtatious, one might say.
Yes,
you could say it was flirtatious.

With the teeth...
My own fault,

I was squeezing its
buttocks provocatively.

So how does Kate enter this story?

Well, I screamed a proper yelp.

It really hurts when a horse bites.
Yes.

And there was blood
and I had a white T—shirt.

Oh, no!
And then before you know it,
Kate comes over.

She happened to be in the field

with some other horses
in the distance.

Came over immediately.
What did she open with?

I think it was a song by...

...might have been Frank Sinatra.

I can't remember.
You know what I mean.

She says, "Are you OK?"

And I said,
"Well, as you can see, not really.”

And then I sort of... I had
to look so I pulled the T—shirt up.

GASPS

She went, "Oh, my God!"

She said, "I'm so sorry, madam.”

I said, "No, they're man—boobs."

And this is when you had the beard?
Yes.

When I had the beard.
You had the beard?

Yeah. But, you know,
my wife's got one,

as you know, so it's hard to tell.

So, she says,

"I'll get you a plaster
and some antiseptic.”

OK.
Who administers the antiseptic
cream to the injured nipple?

I did it myself.
She also brought some wet wipes.

Oh, no, you hadn't!
I had.

Have you ever been bitten
by a horse? It's very scary!

All right, we need an answer.

So, David's team, is Kate
Tasha's Strictly saviour,

Jessica's helpless helper

or Lee's nipple nurse?

Well, I don't know.

Al plausible. I mean,
I can kind of see the thrush.

Horse kind of sounds like, you know,
it could also happen.

They're all possible.
Yeah.

Strictly trophy, yes, but also
always being there to polish it...

The place was full of
press that night.
Yes.

If somebody had dropped the trophy,
we'd have heard about it already,

so we can dismiss her. I think...

Well, I love this clarity.

Jess was all over
the place with her story.

We can dismiss Jess as well.

We are therefore left...

Sweet Lord...

When all other possibilities...

Gyles thinks it's Lee.
Right.

And who do you think he is?

I think it's Jess.
Oh...

we'll go Jess.

You're saying Jess?
Yep.

If you were making it up,

why would you make up
the two physiotherapists?

We're about to find out.

We are about to find out.

We've said Jess. Can't go back now.

You said Jess.
Yes, no, I'm aware...

It's on the record
that you disagree.

Yeah.
So, you're...you're...

...you're a tremendous team member.

OK, they say they think it's Jess.

Kate, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Kate, and Jess and I failed
to get rid of some birds.

APPLAUSE

Well done, well done, well done.

Yes, Kate is Jessica's
helpless helper.

Thank you very much, Kate.

Yes, Kate!

Put the kettle on, love.

See you at home.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies,

and we start with...

...it's Tasha.

After dating a boy for just a week,
I got a tattoo of his initials.

One week later, we split up.

AUDIENCE GASPS
David's team.

What were his initials?

AP.
AP.
Mm-hm.

And you'd only known him for a week
when you decided to get inked?

Yeah.

You only live once.

You know, it actually happened when
we were on holiday, that's why.

You know, went somewhere,
got quite drunk,

you know, you're in love,
that romance.

It was a moment of, like,
"Let's just do it."

Do you still have the tattoo now?

No, I got it removed.

Whereabouts was it?

It was on my bum cheek, actually.

Oh! Where was this drunken time?

I was in Mexico.
Oh!
Oh!

Yeah, so, the thing is,
with my generation,

we're talking about my generation,

we have this thing called dating.

So, you date for, like, a year,
a year or two, right?

You do know that the previous
generation had dated

and that's how you were born?

Yeah, but back in your day, it was
very, like, girlfriend—boyfriend...

No, don't...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So...
I mean, no disrespect,
Gyles, but I'm not HIS generation!

GYLES:
I'm so sorry!

From Tasha's vantage point,
we're all the same.

Us lot, Charles Dickens,
William the Conqueror...

So, back in the day, you know,

I feel like you'd get
the ladies up and dance,

you'd write letters...
Oh, no.

...like, it was very...
LAUGHTER

You know what I mean?

Oh, my God.
Yes, well, of course,

you know, you'd arrive
in a carriage...
Yeah! Exactly.

...you'd produce your quill...

You wore ballgowns...
Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, offer your sword.

Do the curtsy to each other.

Back in the early '90s,
that's how it was.

So, how is it different
for your generation?

Is it just online? Are you
just Snapchatting each other?

Snapchatting?

Do you Snapchat?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I-I mean, I mean, I mean...
I don't even use Snapchat.

...I mean WhatsApping.

I mean, tweet—tweet—tweeting.
Twitting.

Rob...
Tweeting?

X-ing. You're X-ing each other.

Stop using words
you don't understand!

MySpace.

So, OK, you'd had the tattoo,

so you'd think,
"Oh, things are wonderful."

Yeah.
What happened then?

He cheated on me.
GROANING

Tasha, no.

Less than a week
after going official?
Yeah.

And...and...it was with my friend.

No!
Ohhh!

Like, honestly, it was
my friend called Jessica.

Oh, yeah, name her,
name her, name her!

Yeah, Jessica.
Jessica, Jessica,
Jessica! Hey, hey, hey!

Did he have your initials?

No.
So you said,
"A week ago he went official.

"I think it's going very well.

"I'm going to get a tattoo of
your initials on my buttock,"

and he went, "OK, go ahead, then.
I'll, erm...

"I might buy a postcard.”

Well, that's what happens
when you're in love.

When you're in love, you do
silly things, right?
Yeah, you do.

It's time to decide.
What do you think?

Was that all true?
Do you think it's true, Will?

I think it's true, and I can see
that sort of going on holiday,

caught up in the sun and sangria.

So loved up.

I think we might go true.
I'm going to go true.

Are you going to say it's true? OK.

Tasha, they're saying
they think it's true.

Was it true or was it a lie?

It was...

...a lie.

Ohhh!

Well done.
It's a lie.

Tasha didn't get a tattoo
of a boy's initials.

KLAXON

That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.

I can reveal that Lee's team
has won by 3 points to 1.

Ohh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.

Goodnight.