01x03 - Sterile Angus

[bunniefuu]

Aha. Fred holbrook--

Yeah, my first boyfriend.

Hello, is fred there?

Oh, he's dead?

Ha ha ha ha ha!
Yipee!

Aw, mavis flaubert--

That grandstanding cow!

Please be dead, please be dead,
please be dead.

Ahem. Hello?
Yes, hello.

I'm looking
for mavis flaubert.

Oh, so you're still alive.

Hmm. Well,
how sick are you, honey?

Only 3 months to live?
Oh! Ahem.

Bless your heart.
You made my decade!

Oh, my god.

I'm going
to mavis' funeral.

Oh, let's see, now.
What am I gonna wear?

Uh-huh. I got it.

My favorite red dress.

Oh, yeah!
And my jazz shoes.

And now for the topper--

My fur stole!

Damn it!

That stole tied the whole
outfit together! sh*t!

Hurry up, johnny.
I'm not waiting all day.

Hey, clay,
I was just wonderin'

If you have anyone
managing your finances

In these, uh,
tumultuous times.

Well, you know, pork bellies
are not just for bacon.

Heh heh heh heh.

Dougie,
kitchen!

Now!

Yes, mama?

Give me your bank card.
I need some money.

If you need money,

My bank card's not gonna
help you out too much.

Don't tell me
you have no money again!

For god's sake,
you just got paid!

I did. Now I'm only
at negative $800.

Yeah, well,
you're lousy with money,

A lousy salesman,
and p.s.--A lousy son.

But I'm gonna work on
being a better salesman.

Yeah? Well,
I won't hold my breath.

[Passes gas]
uh-oh.

Ooh, my new stole.

Hmm hmm.

Ah. Here, kitty, kitty.

Take a breath.

Good boy.

[Chatters]

What lustrous fur
you have.

[Chattering]

Oh, what an
impressive girth.

And, oh, I see you still
got your jewels.

That's good, that's good.
That's very, very good.

So soft.

So soft.

Put the ferret down.

Relax, slim.

I just love this furry
little hunk of sunshine.

[Muffled moans]

Look, why don't you
run along with johnny,

And I'll watch him
for the day.

No, thanks. I don't like angus
spending time

With things that are
almost dead. We're outta here.

Johnny,
I'll be in the car.

Well played, clay zeeman.

But by the time
the c*ck crows,

Your ferret
will be mine!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

[Grandma coughs]

Clay, wait up.

Oh, hey, johnny.

Hey, paula.
Whatcha doin'?

Just planting
some seeds.

I'd love to plant
some seeds in you.

Uh, you can leave now.

You're just delaying
the inevitable.

I will plow through
your field someday.

I'm sorry, paula.
He's just trying to be funny.

Well, he's an as*h*le.

Now, you're funny,
johnny.

Really?

Yeah.

I can't tell you
how many times

Chip and I have laughed and
laughed thinking about you.

Oh. Are you seeing
chip tonight?

No.

Oh. Are you seeing
chip tonight?

No.

Well, maybe you and I
could go out.

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Oh, you did it again.

Oh, my gosh.
I can't wait to tell chip.

Anyway, I can't go out
with you tonight.

I'm going to my first freshman
ice cream social tomorrow.

That sounds fun.

I hope you make
a lot of new friends.

Me, too. I'm sick of
all the ones I have now.

Ok.

See ya.

Clay, do you think
trees feel sad

When we cut down
other trees?

Trees can't feel,
johnny.

They're not people.

But if they could,

Do you think
they would feel sad?

Yes, I imagine they
would feel quite sad.

Try not to think
about it too much, johnny.

But I can't help it.

I can hear them
crying in my sleep.

They're right outside
my window.

Johnny, you're
a sensitive guy.

I like that
about you.

Now let's watch
some porno.

No, clay.
Pornos are bad.

Last time you made me
watch one of them,

I couldn't stop
hyperventilating.

Just pretend
they're wearing clothes

And let yourself get
swept away by the story.

"ice cream social 19:
nuts on top."

That's weird.

Paula's going to an ice cream
social tomorrow night.

Nice.

Girl on tv:
hi, I'm sally.

I'm here for
the ice cream social.

That's not
where ice cream goes.

But it should.
It should always go there.

Clay, paula's ice cream social
isn't gonna be like this, is it?

They're all
like this.

I don't believe you!

I've never seen anything like
this at my school.

Chuck's
community college--

Not a real school,
johnny.

Oh, my god.
You're right.

I have to warn paula.

Hey, paula. I'm so glad
you're still up.

Oh, hey, johnny.

I need it, baby...

Now!

I guess it could wait
till morning.

There, there,
my green-leafed friends.

I feel your pain tonight.

[Clatter]

[Growling]

Ha ha ha ha ha--

[Coughs]

Is paula awake yet?
It's important.

You just missed her.

You know where she went?

Sure, here's her
itinerary for the day.

Thanks.

f*ck' johnny's
hilarious.

Hey, dad.
You're up early.

The early bird
gets the worm.

Let him be
a lesson to you.

The worm or the bird?

Uh...

Uh, stop messin' me up.
I'm busy.

I got a shitload
of supplies here,

And I'm not comin' back
until they're sold.

Well, good luck, dad.

I myself am off on my own
adventure to find--

Save it.

[Grunts]

[Growling]

[Purrs]

[Growls]

Hmm. If he screws


That's 10 babies apiece.


Uh-huh. I got it.

That's one stole,
two coats, and a hat!

Ha ha ha! That's it.

That's it, kid!

Impregnate the ferrets!

We just have
a few questions

About angus' medical history
we need you to answer.

Yeah, well,
that sounds easy enough.

Uh...

Uh-oh.

[Sighs]



That's bullshit.

I'm gonna cut out
the middleman.

I'm going right
to the people.

[Rings]

Yeah?

Hello, sir.

Might I interest you
in some office supplies?

What are you,
about a size 45 waist?

I'm not sure.
My mom buys my clothes.

How about a stapler?

You have any other
colors besides black?

No, just classic black.

Then I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave.

Well, how about
some paper clips?

Put the f*ck' stapler
in the basket!

Some post-its?

Paula: I am so tired

Of getting your catalogs
in the mail.

If another one shows up,

I'm gonna throw a rock
through your window.

Damn you, ice cream social!
Damn you to hell!

Have you seen a
pretty brunette in here today?

Oh, yeah.
She spent a ton of money.

She's one of
our best customers.

She's loading up her car
out back. Yeah.

Thank god I caught her.

Hey! Watch where
you're going!

Ow! You're not paula!

No, I'm zorro.

For reals?

We can make this
as real as you want it.

Angus.

I told him
a thousand times,

If he's gonna
rent pornos,

He should return the ones
we already watched.

Speak.

Hey, fluffy nuts,

How's that
adorable ferret of yours?

Has he ever had
heart disease?

Who is this?
What about gingivitis?

Is this
johnny's grandma?

Let me ask you this--

Is angus allergic
to penicillin?

Why do you care about
angus' medical history?

If you must know,
I'm trying to figure out

What to get him
for his birthday.

Probably a card.

Good idea.

When was the last time

You checked angus'
stool for worms?

He doesn't have a stool.
He sits on the couch with me.

Clay, "stool" is an
old-time word for doo-doo!

Why am I talking about
ferret sh*t with you?

Hmm. What the f*ck?

Woman on phone:
fred's ferret farm.
How can I help you?

Where are you
located?

[Sighs]
I could use a stiff one.

Hey, can I pay
with office supplies?

Bartender:
sure, how about
just some water?

Would you like
another round, sir?

Ok, I'll pay regular.

I'll have some scotch
with that water this time.

Now you're makin'
sense, rummy.

Oh, that's
a real man's drink.

What are you drinking?

A fuzzy navel.

A real lady's drink.

[Both laugh]

I'll be back
in 15 minutes.

I'm goin' to get tools.
Don't go anywhere.

Hey, johnny.

Omar, what are you
doing in there?

The corona brothers
took all my money for the week,

So I'm trying to round up some
change for a cup o' noodles.

Are you protesting
something, johnny?

No, I'm here
against my will.

Can you help me
get out of these?

Sure, that's simple.

What the heck, omar?

I've been taken hostage
by the corona brothers

So many times
that I find it's best

To keep a hairpin
in my lower intestines.

They never give me
the good supplies,

Like the electric
pencil sharpener.

That's an item
that moves.

Even if I had
a yellow stapler.

I could work
with that.

Do they expect you
to work miracles?

A yellow stapler.
Now, that's pretty.

I would buy some to put around
my house as knickknacks.

I could put them
on my bric-a-brac shelf.

I can't believe
you're still single.

[Both laugh]

Angus, give me a sign

If you've ever had
hepatitis.

I told you to leave
my f*ck' ferret alone.

Please, clay.
I did angus a solid, and--

Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Look!

He's smack-dab in the middle
of a f*ck frenzy!

Way to go, baby!

That's my boy.

You should be
very proud, clay.

He's sire
of the month.

He learned
from the master.

Stop the mating!
Coitus interruptus!

Angus is sterile!

No-o-o-o!

No-o-o-o!

No-o-o-o!

Hmph.

[Both groan]

[Squeals]

You know
what they say--

A person's pet
takes after his owner.

Where are we going
again?

Aw, come on!

What's wrong?

I was gonna catch up
with paula at 3:00,

But she'll be
blowing chip,

And won't be able
to talk.

Why don't we try to head her off
at the whipped cream shop?

That's about an hour away from
here, depending on traffic.

Omar, I don't know
how you do it.

You're always one step
ahead of paula's list.

Let's go!

Can I get a whipped cream with a
protein boost and bee pollen?

Man: it's just
whipped cream,

You little
tree-huggin' b*tch.

Oh. Oh, ok.

Then just
the whipped cream.

Here we are.

Omar: my noodles!

Forget the noodles.
I'll buy you some more.

Don't you understand?

Paula's gonna get r*ped
with a popsicle tonight.

Let's go!

Ok.

Ahem. Excuse me,

Have you seen
a brunette?

I can't help you unless
you buy something.

But it's just
a simple question.

[Salesman hums]
next, please.

Ok. What's the smallest
whipped cream you got?

A gallon.

Fine, I'll take it.

Hey, that's
my noodle money.

Now will you tell me
if you've seen a brunette?

Yes, I did.

Great! How long ago?

Next.

All these
whipped cream blobs

Are better
than noodles any day.

Ah, omar. I wish all I had
to worry about

Was whipped
cream blobs.

Why are you worried
about paula

Going to an ice cream parlor
any old ways?

I'm concerned about
the dirty things she's gonna do.

What's dirty
about ice cream?

Oh, omar. Didn't your father
ever tell you

About the birds
and the bees?

No, he didn't.

Come here.

Tell me about the birds
and the bees, johnny.

Do you ever get
erections?

Oh, sure, all the time.
I like 'em.

What do you do
about 'em?

Oh, I like walkin' around
with them for a while.

Then, sometimes,
it can get in the way,

So I usually twist 'em
or pinch 'em until they go away.

Well, every time
I think of paula,

I get one.

Oh, that's hard when
you got stuff to do.

It can be frustrating.

Well, have you tried
just pinching it?

Omar, I'm trying
to teach you something.

I'm not talking
about just pinching.

I'm talking about love.

The guys who are gonna
be at this ice cream social--

They don't love paula.

So, they twist?

No.

So, they twist?

No.

So, what do they do?

They break
my heart, omar.

They break my heart.

Aww. Well,
then we gotta find paula

And tell her to stop
giving you erections.

Now, what about
the birds and the bees?

My mother
is so overbearing.

So is mine.
And mean, too.

How mean is she?

She's so mean,

She said I used to walk
like a little girl.

She said
I was too effeminate.

Well,
that's preposterous.

You're perfectly
effeminate.

You ooze
effemininity.

You're a beautiful woman,
miss understood.

Oops. What was that?

That was me inviting you
back to my place.

[Both laugh]

And then the bee
pollinates the flower.

The end.

God, I'm lonely.

Me, too.

But I've gotta overcome
this horrible loneliness

To check out
paula's list again.

Are you in love
with this list

Or are you in love
with paula?

You know where
she's gonna be tonight.

Stop f-ing around.

God, omar, I've never seen you
so passionate.

I just ate a gallon
of whipped cream.

Let's go rent you
a tux.

Why?

Because you look
like a bum.

You can't go to the social
looking like that.

You'll stick out
like a sore thumb.

Oh, my god.
You're right.

Angus can't be
sterile!

No, there must be
some mistake.

You f*ck' drug addict.
You k*lled your nuts.

[Groans]

Isn't there anything
we can do?

The situation is almost
completely hopeless.

But if you want,

You can put angus
through a battery

Of completely humiliating
experimental--

And ill*gal--
tests and treatments

To try to bolster
his sperm count.

[Gasps]

Whatever it takes.
Money is no object.

No blanks of mine
are gonna be sh**ting ferrets.

Or the other way
around.

[Panting]

Grandma:
increase the incline!

Don't worry, buddy.
It's only a half hour more.

Your nutsack's gonna be
in shape in no time.

Man, he really
let his nutsack go.

Get a load
of that flab.

You should talk about flab.

You look like a deflated
parade float.

For a woman my age,
I'm tight as a drum.

Uhh!

What are you
talkin' about?

Men k*ll
to suck my wattle.

[Kisses]

Stop flickin'
that thing.

It's scarin' away
all the sperm.

Drink this.

It'll add some weight
to your berries.

[Gags] ewww!

Now it's time for the
experimental drugs.

[Chatters]

That's right, pal.

You're about to take
some sh*t

That hasn't even been
tested on lab rats.

Here we go.

Heh heh heh.

Hello, angustino.
I'm-a your sperm.

We had a good-a
thing going,

But you stab-a me
in the back

When you
smoke-a the dope.

I'm-a go away now.
Ciao, angustino.

Uh! Let-a me go!
I hate-a you guts!

Aah!

Oh!

Ha! You can no catch me,
angustino.

I'm-a too quick.

I already in-a
the north pole.

I don't think these refrigerated
shorts are cold enough.

My tongue
won't stick to them.

Because your tongue's
already dead,

You dried-up corpse.

I'm putting angus
in the freezer.

Speed things up.

I'll do it, you stretched-out
walking p*nis.

Hey, james bond.

I spy a sexy man.

[Imitates james bond]
thank you, moneypenny.

And this big and tall shop
has the best prices in town.

You're gonna
fit right in.

Why don't you make
yourself comfortable?

Have another drink.

God, you're a nice lady.

Oh. Oh! It's
the bric-a-brac shelf.

That's ri-ight.
I'll be right back.

Don't go wrecking
my house, you animal.

[Groans]

[Coughs]

Oh, my.

Well, this works, too.

Ah.

Oh, boy.

He's done.

Go bust a nut,
buddy.

It's the moment
of truth.

Well, if this
doesn't work,

We can always shock
the sperm out of him.

Shi-i-i-i-it!

[Groans]

Did we get anything?!

I--i--i want
to go to sleep.

Name?

The name's jenkins...
Johnny jenkins.

Not on the list.

Miller? Fred miller?

He's a sophomore.

Now, get lost,
you phony fred miller.

What would
fred miller do

In a situation
like this?

Wow, this is
really great.

A contrived setting

Coupled with
forced interaction

Is perfect for
making lifelong friends.

How do you feel
about toppings?

I'm for them.
Let's be friends.

Oh, good.

Well, what about
sprinkles?

Sprinkles are a topping,
you tree-hugging b*tch.

P-p-p-paula!

Johnny! There's
no place for nudity

At an ice cream social.

[Shivering]
y-you mean there's
no o-o-orgy?

The stuttering idiot's here!
Yay!

Johnny, I didn't know
they booked you for this.

You're
the stuttering idiot

Everyone's been
talking about?

Announcer: ladies and gentlemen,
the entertainment has arrived.

I--i--

Ah, f*ck it. Sharon!

Hey, what gives?

You shouldn't
make fun of ozzy.

It's uncool.

I--i--fu--

Ah ha ha ha!

I came to
rescue you.

A bunch of dirty stuff
is gonna happen

Right after that idiot
gets offstage.

Johnny, if you wanted to come
to the social this badly,

You should've
just asked me.

This is embarrassing.
Now, pull up your pants.

Angus, you've been
in there 3 minutes.

Hurry up!

[Grunts]

Hmm. It feels
a little light.

Hey, clay, go crank up
the sparkinamat...ta...ma...

You know what the f*ck
I'm talkin' about.

I got a feeling
we got nothin'.

Clay: angus,
you've got 3 sperms.

You're a winner!

[Chatters]

I'm gonna take these
right down to the breeder,

And get those b*tches
pregnant

So I can k*ll their babies.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

Ahh. Hmm.

You're not killin'
any babies, baby.

I'm freezin' these babies.

I'm gonna be a granddad
to some ferret babies.

Uhh! What about
my stole?

Not my problem.

Grandma:
damn you, zeeman.

I'll get you for this!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha--

[Coughs]

Johnny: thanks for
driving me home, paula.

Sorry I embarrassed you.

Johnny,
it was sweet of you

To be so concerned
about me,

But I'm
a big girl now,

And I can make my own
decisions about ice cream

And/or a**l sex.

I'm sorry, paula.
I'm just afraid

You're gonna go off with all
your new a**l sex friends

And forget all about me.

That's just silly.

I want to make
new friends,

But that doesn't mean
I'll replace the old ones.

It just means I'll have
less time for them.

So you mean
we'll still be friends,

Even though
I acted like an idiot?

[Laughs] johnny,
the only reason I like you

Is because you act
like an idiot.

You're a big
f*cking idiot,

And I think
it's hysterical.

You should have more
confidence in yourself.

Ok, I'll try.

Remember, johnny--

As long as you live
next door to me,

You'll always be
my neighbor.

Karma my a*s!

I got me a stole,

And I'm as bad
as I wanna be.

Heh heh heh!

Yipee. Oh, yeah.

Mama, I'm cold.

Grandma:
♪ a-charleston, charleston ♪

♪ Oh, god,
that night in charleston ♪

♪ I am so hot ♪

♪ Look at me, boys... ♪